BPDFamily.com

"You & I are not the same. Yes sure Everybody loves good old Moonie don't they! BUT, I've seen what they haven't! SOON YOU WILL REALIZE YOU HAVE MESSED UP THE BEST THING YOU EVER HAD! I was loving, caring, compassionate & loyal. But it's never enough & still, you drag me down with your lies & being miserable (why can't you just enjoy life). Your lying, cheating & being so secretive would be enough to drive any woman away so you can't expect me to stick around at take your crap! You definitely have some serious issues & for your sake I hope you get some help so your next relationship stands a chance of working. I know there's a decent kind loving man in there somewhere! I've seen little glimpses of him & he's beautiful. But you just won't stop being so guarded & mistrusting so all your relationships fail just like we have! I'm strong, confident & YOU WILL NOT DRAG ME DOWN OR CHANGE ME. Get help Moonie for the sake of your future."


I don't think there's one little bit of that, that isn't her projecting herself onto me?

And if she's looking at us in the reverse of reality seeing me as her & her as me, SHE'S JUST PAID ME A HUGE COMPLIMENT! :) :) :) :)

I got a similar email a week ago man. According to her, I purposefully abused her and I'm ten folds more twisted than she is.

I was tempted to reply "I couldn't have said it better myself, thank you for your back to front self awareness".  lol

Moonie do we have the same ex? Cos I got the "I'm not going to be dragged down by you" bull.

Haha, u gotta love it though, projection so obvious! For those who read alot of posts will of read mine, and im feeling good tonight (yay) because i think ive finally understood the messages as projection. My message was so similar. How he hoped i would find someone nice after messing up all my previous relationships and making them leave (not true) how i took took took (again not true he was on benefits and i gave gave gave)

I wasnt going to reply as i knew he wanted me to get mad so he again could say my fault so i simply said, thanks for a few good times, luckily i get many more, goodbye and good luck.

I am learning with every post on here and read them every minute i get to build my strength and have most of that due to Hurtbad, im hoping we can all do this for all our sakes.

How you feeling about it all?

Projection much? Wow.

There is one honest to goodness truth in her email. Just one, "You will not change me."

IMJ72,

A year ago that message would've smashed me to my core. It would've done damage which would take an age to repair. But now I understand a little about the BPD mind it doesn't. It still hurts though, not for me but for her! For someone you cared so deeply for to still think that of themselves (and seemingly not even know it) is absolutely tragic. Horrifically, deeply tragic & incredibly sad.

It clearly told me she KNOWS she needs professional help, but isn't mindfully aware.

She's even studied counselling for last three years & wants to be a therapist. She's totally consumed with this studying & her devotion to it is impressive I have to say. In an argument we were having before we split I lost my temper & told her "the text books all over the house, the classes at college, the intense dedication to this course etc. It has f*** all to do with helping others! It's about diagnosing & fixing yourself! You're too stubborn & proud to admit something's not right so you took this route to your cure by disguising it as educating yourself in order to help other folks".

She went off into another galaxy on hearing that & didn't come back to earth for quite a few days.

 

My ex was in therapy, was on meds and had been relatively calm, it was the escalating lies that became my problem. He said he was going to a hypnotherapist and thats when he ran off to his mums again. He tried telling me he had been and it really was working, he was a different man now, then would finish the msg with something like "but whats your major malfunction" "cant u see the damage u caused" then come out with a blatant lie, when i picked him up on it i was being picky and needed to stop being so controlling lol.

Of course im hurt and in pain but at least now knowing he is with someone else same day he was telling me he loved me and couldnt be without me I feel better equipped to deal with it, I know the truth now... .

I dropped off the last of his stuff for his friend to collect and allegedly getting mine back tomoz, will that happen i doubt it.

Funny thing is though he still hasnt deleted me off whats app which really would be the obvious thing to do now.

Im gonna be ok, not now, dont know when but i will.

I just need people contact at the moment as really feeling the lonliness so if anyone wants to talk please let me know.

It's good that you recognize the projection.  I broke up with mine back in March and I still get the occasional angry "You've lost me for good this time and you're going to be so sorry when you look back and realize what you threw away."  Like I'll be sorry that I "lost" a compulsive lying junkie who never had a job, mooched off of me, terrorized me emotionally, and refused to accept our break-up even after "falling in love" with someone new.   Yeah, I'm sure I'll start kicking myself any day now... .  

Don't remember how many times she told me I was never going to find anyone like her again.  I told her finally that that was the idea.  Never to meet someone like her again.

When she was before the decision get help for the BPD or loose me as well as a friend (even with the offer that I had no problem going to the therapist myself to see what problems I may have) I did get as a reaction that she had no problems and that I was not going to manipulate her. 

They keep telling themselves over and over again it's not them, it's the rest of the world... .

Reg

HA  lol  |iiii

I wouldn't directly tell my ex that so as not to trigger her, but yes, NEVER AGAIN!

Reg, that was a good one! Now, every time my ex will tell me that I'll never find anyone like her I'll be sure to think to myself "yes,I hope not, that's the point!"

cska,

lol  Indeed, it is a very good reminder.  Finally I did get so tired of all the bull that I did tell it her face to face.  She never used it again, not even with the final breakup between us weeks later.

Reg

Moonie,

It is amzing how similar these people act.  Ths was lmost verbatim what my ex told me... . ths was the lat thing she texted me after 7 months of intense dating.   

Couple more text messages since earlier saying same old same old. I haven't responded But I did get a thought tonight about the child in them.

Every child I've ever known has desperately wanted even think they NEED anything they can't have!

I've never ignored her before & had little or no boundaries, so my disinterested cold shoulder is a first!

Based on dealing with a child that wants what they can't have, will this get worse? And harder?

Getting worried about my personal limits now because I don't feel I've had long enough to prepare for this.

I don't know what it is today but these posts have had me in stitches laughing so hard.  Thanks everyone!  :)

Moonie just checking in but what's she mean by the lying, cheating and secrets? 

Moonie,

Holy crap!   Were you and I dating the same woman?   I have gotten almost the exact same message.   Several times.

I'm not at the point where I can truly say I am over her and not hurting anymore, but, like you, I do have moments of clarity and the last message like this one she sent you caused me to have almost the same response,  WHAT A DAMN COMPLIMENT SHE JUST PAID ME!

Our BPDex's have no originality. I swear they all bought the same "How to Drive Away Your Ex by acting Like a Wackadoodle for Dummies" book.

Mistrix, yea, all pwBPD act so similarly and predictably, as if they're all reading from the same script. From what I've read here and from my own experience, most pwBPD act and same way and even say almost identical things! Its bizarre...

I'm not sure. There appears to be a pattern in my exBPD's cycle of obsession, hate, numbness. So if you are trying to make a prediction, you would need to track their changes in behavior for a few months, and also figure out what kind of environment they are in.

Have you considered joining support groups, and blocking her number? Don't leave that door open, it's just picking at the scab.

I did ask a question earlier... .

Four messages tonight now. I've never given her the cold shoulder before & have I realize now been unconsciously available for recycling. I'm not in that place anymore (I hope) and have never previously needed to go beyond early stages of recycling coz I've gone back into the lions den.

I've read much on here about how they are arrested children & I mentioned all children I know want specifically what they CAN'T have.

Does this logic apply to wanting the ex that's no longer interested?

I'm a little worried that I'll get tested beyond my limits as it's early day for me in getting her out of my system.

Very bizarre. What about us, made us prime targets for them, I wonder... . because they don't just randomly target everyone, the hone in certain types, it's almost predatory... .  my-issues

Mistrix,

I'm self employed after recently starting my own business up. My number & contact details are advertised everywhere!

If I attempt to become impossible for her to contact I'm also impossible for new customers to contact.  :'(

So, a part of you is hoping she will return to you?

As a parent, I would say that the over generalization of children wanting what they can't have is false. What you are is a security blankie to her.

You can attempt to pretend that you are disinterested in an effort to attract her, but what you would be doing is feeding her sickness by behaving emotionally abusive. You don't want to be "that" kind of a person.  She is sick, and her behavior is illogical. You would be activly choosing to be cruel, and with a range of emotions, the guilt from that choice may be something you will find difficult to live with. Please consider seeking therapy. Many places offer sliding scale fees, so you could be paying as little as a dollar. If you visit a clinic at a University, the care may be free.

I would even go so far as to suggest joining an AL-Anon group because they are often dealing with pwBPD; you need support and you need to occupy your free time. You've spent far too long in her manure, that you have forgotten that manure smells bad - it's time to get outside and get some fresh perspectives, so that you can live the life you deserve.

That said, I've shut my facebook down entirely (didn't use it anyway). I've moved from my rented flat to a different one thanks to very understanding landlord letting me do a swap. I've also begun socializing in different place & leave the old haunts alone (for the time being. I'm not gonna get run out of the places I like for ever, it's just temporary precaution).

But phone numbers are advertised locally & website has contact page. Worst of all & most frightening she could simply come down to my premises & just walk right through the customer entrance!

You can directly block her number for free through your cell service provider , as well as your local telephone service. You deserve a life free of pain, regrets and you deserve LOVE, real pure love that is mellow, kind and not a rollercoaster.

No Mistrix. I don't want her back. The dreamer in me may still fantasize about the perfect world yadda yadda yadda. But the logical healthier side of me does not. I do not want the drama, lies, infidelity etc. And mostly, I want to be able to focus (without her distracting crap) on my new business. (that's a big stress of its own & doesn't need her complicating matters).

I want to grow so my business has a better chance of growing. I don't want a BPD shrinking the chances of that!

I can do lots about her mobile phone number with network providers yes. But anyone can use a new email address to contact a business website. Or another number to call the contact numbers advertised all over south west England. Like I said, she could simply rock up at the reception desk!

I co-owned a business with my exBPD. I would use Sendhub to screen calls, also Google Voice to transcribe calls (its awesome, although sometimes the transcription gets wonky). There are also IPhone apps that you can use to record calls. She could walk into your business, but for today she hasn't. Today, she is texting you and drumming up your churned emotions. You have options to blockade this behavior of hers - you can block her number.  If she does show up, by the time she cycles in that direction, if she does, you will have given yourself sufficient time to gain some emotional ground. You CAN do this.

You deserve better. Remind yourself of that. You are capable of a full range of emotions! Metaphorically, if you are offered a free grand piano or a fisher price toddler toy piano (for free) - why settle for anything less than the grand piano?

I would hate for you to have to learn the hard why like I did (and am). a person with BPD is far more dangerous than a paranoid schizophrenic who is actively suffering. (www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2790397/) Any game that we would ever attempt to play to secure their "attraction" is like Russian Roulette.

They do not return to us, or any of their ex's because we are "unobtainable", we're a pub they remember having good memories at, that they are stopping by for a drink as they pass through. We are not people to them. We can't make them love anyone, including themselves.

You are not weak. You came here asking for help, which shows that you have the STRENGTH to recognize her sickness and its negative impact on your life. I think you are tougher than you give yourself credit for.

Just wanted to add to the chorus of 'my ex wrote me the same text'!

In fact he wrote it many times... a couple of times with a torrent file attached so that I could watch a film 'when thinking of us with regret and pain' and 'understand what our relationship had been about' (because of course he understood far better than I could and I needed 'teaching' :))

Oh, the little scrap of 'kindness'- 'there is a beautiful person inside you'... . 'I know you have a good side. I loved that person'. The last is a quote from my ex's last message in which he told me he was being forced to cut me off forever, having taken and taken from me financially and emotionally for years, because I was just too f***ed up and dangerous for him and would continue to do damage to him 'again and again and again' (I had asked for £50 and a cardigan back  :) and told him I was depressed and down because we were drifting apart finally).

eerie, the 'you will not change me' message- I had that many times, along with shrill protestations of moral superiority- that's actually such an indicator of their fragility and how they feel swallowed up by emotions. How they need to obliterate the loved/hated object (us).

She says I'm very hard to read & it winds her up incredibly. She takes this to be being secretive.

She often gets totally paranoid about where I've been, where I am, who I've seen or spoken to on phone etc etc etc. Example, she'd text me stuff like "I'm going to pop in shortly so you better hide anything you don't want me to see" or sometimes it would be slightly different saying instead "I'll be there in 30 minutes so you got time to get whatever cheap slut is with you out of there before I arrive".

It was uncalmable & utterly maddening.

Cheating issue comes from a club I was in that included men AND WOMEN. She struggled with this immensely. The friends male & female in that club saw how unhealthy my relationship was for me & also knew of her triangulating (read definition) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0) me with another guy last summer. They're good friends & didn't like what they witnessed her put me through & it's various stages of the cycle (I was honest with them about my home life). A lot of the men in that club didn't swarm round her like she's used to because of what they knew & she didn't like it. Equally the women were civil & polite (for my sake) but were never going to be any kinds of friends to her.

She turned this into sure fire evidence that something had gone on behind her back with me & a woman or women in the club! It was THE ONLY THING close to an explanation for her not getting a warm welcome whenever she turned up. She was convinced everybody knew something except her & their communal guilt of 'all knowing something she didn't' was reason for their lack of enthusiasm to include her!

It convinced her beyond reason that I'd been unfaithful & did untold amount of damage to us. It was cancerous & thoroughly draining. But above all, VERY upsetting for both of us.

Another example. I'm drummer (hence nickname everybody knows me as) in a busy & popular band that works most weekends. Fri or sat but never both (so our significant others didn't lose their whole weekend with us). It's a balanced ethic that works well for all other band members relationships but you guessed it, NOT MINE!

If for example I was due to play a Saturday night she'd get more & more tense & sharp tongued as the day rolled on & would usually escalate to a row or rage in last hour before I had to leave home for gig.

Due to child commitments, geography of gigs & other factors, after I joined this band she didn't get to see us gig until i was about 8 months in. The first gig she attends the attractive blonde singer announces she's leaving to join another band. We (the rest of band) are stunned & also gutted. Girlfriend see's this as suspicious. PERFECT TIMING. On the way home ex concludes I'd f***ed the singer & on meeting my girlfriend she couldn't take the guilt and so she quit there & then on the night she met her.

That issue never got dropped either & always got thrown at me. "I can't accuse without proof which I don't have. But it doesn't mean I'm wrong!" My ears burn with how often I got hit with that!

Moonie, I hear you man. My experience was similar.

My ex would always accuse me of being vague, and it wound her up to the point of becoming physical with me.

When I met her, I was back in school to change career paths, and she would always push me to drop out of school because there were girls in it. I ignored her and went back to school. It drove her nuts. She forbade me to talk to any women, including saying hi. When I told her that it was impolite to ignore people, she wouldn't budge.

In one of my classes I was in a study group, and there was girl in the group, and my ex became convinced that I like her and/or have slept with her. Oh man, she would rage about it etc. etc.

It is very upsetting for both parties.  And hugely exhausting.

Unfortunately part of the disorder can have moments of profound rejection and insecurities it tends to fuel paranoia like that.  It's a cascade effect.

There are a lot fears a person with BPD and its a hard balance to maintain trying to take care yourself/boundaries and not making these things worse too.  Its can be difficult for even the most committed. 

Insecurities like this don't go away miraculously either.  Each relationship will have insecurities not all like this - its the intensity of them and how they are handled.  Which kind of takes the fantasy off the table.  They can take a toll on relationships - not just the romantic ones.  Something to think about for the future.

Once you get past the newness and enamored parts you are dealing with the rest of life.  As these problems start to surface they tend to dull the once shiny parts.  Its a pretty enlightening lesson on what's worth it and how you want your life to be.  What you are willing to cope with.