Moonie just checking in but what's she mean by the lying, cheating and secrets?
She says I'm very hard to read & it winds her up incredibly. She takes this to be being secretive.
She often gets totally paranoid about where I've been, where I am, who I've seen or spoken to on phone etc etc etc. Example, she'd text me stuff like "I'm going to pop in shortly so you better hide anything you don't want me to see" or sometimes it would be slightly different saying instead "I'll be there in 30 minutes so you got time to get whatever cheap slut is with you out of there before I arrive".
It was uncalmable & utterly maddening.
Cheating issue comes from a club I was in that included men AND WOMEN. She struggled with this immensely. The friends male & female in that club saw how unhealthy my relationship was for me & also knew of her triangulating
(read definition) me with another guy last summer. They're good friends & didn't like what they witnessed her put me through & it's various stages of the cycle (I was honest with them about my home life). A lot of the men in that club didn't swarm round her like she's used to because of what they knew & she didn't like it. Equally the women were civil & polite (for my sake) but were never going to be any kinds of friends to her.
She turned this into sure fire evidence that something had gone on behind her back with me & a woman or women in the club! It was THE ONLY THING close to an explanation for her not getting a warm welcome whenever she turned up. She was convinced everybody knew something except her & their communal guilt of 'all knowing something she didn't' was reason for their lack of enthusiasm to include her!
It convinced her beyond reason that I'd been unfaithful & did untold amount of damage to us. It was cancerous & thoroughly draining. But above all, VERY upsetting for both of us.
It is very upsetting for both parties. And hugely exhausting.
Unfortunately part of the disorder can have moments of profound rejection and insecurities it tends to fuel paranoia like that. It's a cascade effect.
There are a lot fears a person with BPD and its a hard balance to maintain trying to take care yourself/boundaries and not making these things worse too. Its can be difficult for even the most committed.
Insecurities like this don't go away miraculously either. Each relationship will have insecurities not all like this - its the intensity of them and how they are handled. Which kind of takes the fantasy off the table. They can take a toll on relationships - not just the romantic ones. Something to think about for the future.
Once you get past the newness and enamored parts you are dealing with the rest of life. As these problems start to surface they tend to dull the once shiny parts. Its a pretty enlightening lesson on what's worth it and how you want your life to be. What you are willing to cope with.
