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Everyone always says "It will be the same with the next guy" but no one ever actually posts stories about the next relationship failing. I'm about 1 month NC (6 months after I BROKE UP WITH HER). Within two weeks of our breakup, she immediately leached onto another guy and they are still together. At this point for me, I feel like it would really help to read horror stories of exBPDs with their new victims. I believe reading them will help me see that I made the right choice to break up with her. For some reason, I can't shake the feeling that I could have made it work, and it bothers me to think that this next guy might.

MY STORY:

After we broke up, she sent me photos of her cutting herself (on her leg) with my name finger-painted in blood on it. The next day, I had to call the police and have a car sent to her house because she said she was going to kill herself. Trying to make sense of everything, it was about this time that I learned about BPD.

Within 2 weeks of our break up, she leached onto another guy. She went on OKCupid and deliberately found someone who attended a different graduate program at my school, and proceeded to parade her new relationship in front of me (on Facebook "checking in" with him at places we used to go to, etc). She moved-in with him almost immediately. (This is also likely because she could never afford to support herself, and had been leaching off of me for our entire relationship -- she hasn't paid rent in YEARS.) I told her that she likely has BPD. I also begged her to read about it.

After only 3 months with the new guy, he graduated and she followed him across the country (not before cheating on him with me before she left). While living across the country with him, she let me know that she has been diagnosed with BPD, she is doing DBT, and she is taking Prozac. She's still with the new guy 6 months after our breakup. He takes her on lavish vacations, buys her gifts, etc... . he doesn't seem to mind that she can't (and will never be able to) support herself. She can't hold onto a job and is a community college drop-out.

I'm glad that she's out of my life, but I can't help but wonder whether I got all the pain/grief of her BPD, and now the new guy is getting all of the benefits since she is in treatment now -- which is all because of me!

I suppose it's possible that they might live "happily ever after" and I'm torturing myself with how things might have gone differently if I had known she had BPD when we were together.

I know it's petty, but I really want her to make this guy miserable so I can feel better about the choice I made.

I'm really sorry you are going through this my friend... .

I'm about the same amount of time out as you and the situation is very similar. I think the reasons no one keeps tad of their ex's anymore is because the situation is no longer about them its about you. You deserve to heal, be happy and in a relationship that shows you the same love and respect that you give as well. The goal here is to detach and if we all keep account of our ex's future romances it stops us from moving on. I promise you everything you have been told is the truth and there is no time frame. People with BPD unless treated are ticking time bombs to their emotions.

Keep in mind there is no miracle cure as well. You ex has taken the first steps but it will take years to see progress.

EXCELLENT way to say it, Snap! We give up keeping tabs on our ex BPD'ers because, in my humble opinion, we begin to gain some momentum with the healing and we're keeping the focus on us. After a while, all we're doing is keeping the focus fixed on ourselves.

Fantastic post, Snap! ^5 to you!

Do you really need an example?  Ok, I was a next guy, so was the one before that, and that, and him, and it, and them and those and you get the picture.  Lots of next guys and they (we) all failed miserably, lightly put.  As far as the one after me, I don't really know or care, I'm a year out and it feels pretty good.  But if I had to guess from experience, things are already bad.  Roughly 9 months without a peep from me and she's tried dozens of times to get in touch with me, random numbers, drive bys, blocked numbers, texting pretending to be other people, sitting in my driveway, and who knows what she'll come up with next.  When she does call or text, it's usually 4 or 5 times a day for about week before she gives up... . probably when they stopped fighting until the inevitable next time.

I understand why you would want to hear stories about things going to hell for the next guy too.  At one point, that would have been quite validating and definitely a little amusing for me.  Oh, and mine tried to cheat on him with me about 3 months after we broke up.  That was the only time I responded to her at all since we broke up, and it felt pretty good to shoot her sorry ass down.  Besides, your ex already cheated on the next guy, success story about to happen?  Maybe on a blue moon when pigs fly and hell freezes over.  I wouldn't worry about it though, besides, you're the one who dumped her.  You'll get to a point where you could care less either way.

Yap... Me too. I posted a thread on here about that. I was the next guy too at one time. I saw the pattern repeat itself in the next next guy. Seriously creepy. When you have the opportunity to see it from the outside looking in it gives a more realistic firsthand look at the disorder. How's your sense of humor today? I will apologize in advance if I offend anyone. If you really want to get one up on her just turn gay and put the moves on her new boyfriend. Think about it. That's funny!

Finally free,

It is a pattern of behavior. If she did it to you, it will only continue with the next person. Idealize. Devalue. Discard. For me, I do not know if my exUBPDgf is with someone else and in all honesty, it would only hurt me profoundly if I knew. Nonetheless, a good indicator of future behavior is past behavior. Round and round. Like a circle. I know it hurts. If you read the posts on here stretching back to 2007, almost all the stories are the same. Same behavior. Same exact outcome. Same exact hurt.

I still tumble. My Ironman suit could not protect me.

Me personally have had... . lessee... . I might be wrong but I think that I have had six relationships that I would label long term. More than a year. Of those six I only know of one ex that is still with her next guy. That girl and I split up 35 years ago. I was 17.  That being said the other five must certainly have BPD. Kidding. So I was with the one that has BPD for almost eight years. Umm... That's a long time. She was amazing to a certain extent. She was always VERY difficult to deal with on an ordinary level. Things that require a decision could be monumental in nature. Menus at restaurants seemed to be a huge deal to her. If I wanted to give her a gift she HAD to pick it out. She wanted final say in almost every decision that we made together. If I decided something she didn't agree with then I would be devalued and there were never any little deals. Even the smallest of decisions were huge deals to her and she would completely stress over the little stuff. This, I believe, is called neurosis. Ok... . Still with me? Now,BPD is BORDERLINE between neurosis and psychosis. Seriously. The neurotic part is tolerable. I feel that each and every one of we human beings has the quality of neurosis to some degree. The psychotic part... . Well... that is where the problem lies. Psychosis in any degree is not understandable by a sane person. Mental health professionals can be affected by their psychotic patients to the degree that they lose their own sanity. So when we live with these kind of illness for years we must be cared for ourselves. There is a clear pattern to non behavior just as there is a clear pattern to disordered behavior. They go hand in hand. Worrying about the ex is non behavior. Not caring about the ex is BPD behavior. Umm... We as nons must take on the qualities that hurt us and achieve indifference. Something that our partners seem to do casually. Who but a psychopath could hurt someone without feeling? Did they hurt us? Did we allow ourselves to be hurt? Did we hurt ourselves?

This is what I know about my exBPDgf's new relationship... .

We are still on the same phone plan. I have access to her phone records online. After she left me she continued to talk to other men behind his back. She pulled her disappearing act on him on the fourth of July. On July twelfth she showed up at her daughters house intoxicated and had split him back, told her she hated him. I found out from the replacements sister this week that the two of them get drunk frequently and they fight every time her accusing him of cheating. Her boss told me this week how she was saying that she can't stand him and he had threatened to kick her out. For the last two weeks she has been going behind his back texting and calling me. She hasn't changed. After three months her new relationship is as bad as it took ours twelve years to degrade to.


Your ex is putting up a good front. It seems a lot of them do. But she is still the same and her relationship is not all she is leading you to believe it is.

As we are all too familiar with by now, one of the DSM's criteria for BPD diagnosis is "a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation."  Seeing as that's the case, the odds are high that there will be no happy ending with the "next guy". 

My W has recently recycled an old boyfriend who, if I put the pieces of the puzzle together properly, she has likely spilt black a number of times.  I know she did it early in our relationship, when I'd been told they were only friends, and I know she did it earlier this year after she'd run to him following her nervous breakdown when my mother died--she said she realized what a despicable person he was for having tried to seduce a married woman.  And yet here we are 7-8 months later, and she's now involved with that very same person.  What are the odds it is magically going to work this time?  That's a rhetorical question, BTW.

My exBPDgf... we were supposed to move in together, she went NC 3 days before I was to come down and start moving and two weeks later was on FB with posom. Had all kinds of flowery wonderful stuff to say about him. Then she started trying to contact me and I ignored her then blocked her on everything I could.

After a few months she posted pics of her and her new guy a few miles from my house, looking so happy (she had to take a 200+ mile trip to do it)... and I kept ignoring her. Then she left a voice mail (had phone set to go direct to voicemail for her only... should have had number blocked.) Her message was I have great news... need to talk to you. Then finally she left a message that the great news was that she didn't have herpes and her new guy was SO HAPPY.  Just another nasty dig.

Anyway the holidays come and suddenly all his pics were gone and she was talking about coping with the end of the r/s. Then she was talking about needing a procedure... and was playing for sympathy.

Curiosity got the better of me, contacted her and she told me the procedure was for an STD he had given her... . and he had told her she was nothing special... . so then she wanted sympathy from me.

I told her we could be friends... was sympathetic, but I was always a bit too busy to see her or make the trip... then she got mad and said she wasn't going to be wasting her time with me, that she couldn't be around hand holding and being a crutch for all my problems. (I laughed at the absurdity... . and let her know that was fine with me.)  Been NC ever since.  |iiii

I know what you mean, But even if you made a mistake on dumping her. Would you really want to deal with the walking on egg shells? Or her possibly cheating on you when your at work? I say no f-ing way. I would like to see my ex GF crash and burn as well. But really her life has to really suck, jumping from one relationship to another. Never really being truly happy. They are just content for a little while, until the wow factor wears off. And then they are off to another wow factor.

Stop trying to track her or follow her on facebook. It will just pro-long your pain. Been there, done that.

Go to the L1 Board and read New Member Introductions.  Many stories posted there of the next guy/girl.  

I am with you though, as if the next relationship failing will help me to feel better.  But as time passes I am realizing it really won't, only I can make myself feel better.  The next relationship failing will not change the fact that my relationship with my ex was extremely disordered.  

Thank you for your replies, everyone. I really appreciate the support.

I guess my problem is that she claims to be in treatment now -- doing DBT and taking Prozac (which I can't confirm because she is living across the country with the new guy). It's killing me because after our break up I was the one who told her about BPD -- and now I'm extremely bitter that the next guy might not go through the hell she put me through, and that maybe I should have taken her back when she begged me to. Maybe I could have made it work if she were in treatment with me.

On the other hand -- after our break up, I think I was merely a victim of her TRIANGULATION:

The last contact I had with her was a little over a month ago. She texted me begging to talk because she was having an "extremely hard day." I agreed to take the phone call because she claimed I'm "the only person who understands" her --

She was crying about her new boyfriend "bullying her out of the house" with a pile of her resumes and making her go out and deliver them to local businesses. Apparently this happened because she lost her bartending job, her "couchsurfing with her friends" plans didn't work out, and she was "forced to" move-in with him since she didn't have a job. She was crying.

The following week, she texted me to let me know: 1) she got a job, 2) she got an apt, and 3) she's on medication. She also thanked me for my help. I told her "great job -- keep it up!"

That's when I realized that my continued contact/support was essentially a way FOR HER keep her "primary" relationship alive. Since then I have blocked her phone number (through the phone company), blocked her emails (with email filters and auto-reply "not delivered" messages), and blocked all social media. Even social media which I can't block, I have not looked at. I have no idea whether she has tried to contact me. I didn't even warn her that I was going NC.

Still, there's a small part of my brain which wonders if she's going to get better and they are going to sail off into the sunset together. It's killing me.

Have you spent some time reading stories about what "getting better" actually looks like?

Your version of getting better is likely not the same as what it looks like for a pwBPD to get better.

A great book for you to read is The Buddha and the Borderline - very real, very honest, symptom-free

After you read it, tell me if that is what your version of "getting better" would be.

Thanks for the recommendation, SeekingBalance. I will check it out!

From the conflicting information I have heard, my BPDex may be dating two guys at once.  Or she may have left the first one, but I know for sure she is with the second.  The second is one who was "just a friend"... . and he is fat, greasy, trashy, and does cocaine.  A huge step down from me if I do say so myself.  If she leaves him or she cheats on him and he leaves her, I have my validation that she can't pull it off with the new guy.  If they stay together, I get the validation of knowing that she has picked a pretty ___ty guy to date and that all of her problems are still there.  I can't lose really.  But, as mentioned, it is A LOT more about YOU than it is her.  Wanting her relationship to fail is about you, not her.  And ultimately at some point we realize that what happens with our BPDex's in their lives is not our concern.  We each have an awful lot of life to live of our own, and worrying about what a person who has pretty poor character and who has hurt us quite a bit is doing is pointless.

I mean in honesty, I wouldn't say I am completely to the having let go point I described in my post.  But I am working towards it.  Last night I had someone who knew the guy, while she agreed he was sketchy and trashy, tell me that "I mean he is good to her".  That was a bit weird to hear, but you know... . I was good to her too.  I was great to her, the best I could be considering all of the things she threw my way.  I don't know if she chose to get with a guy who is as ___ty as she thinks she is and feels because she doesn't feel like she deserves any better... . I know she told me when we split that "I was never good for you, you are so much better of a person than I could ever dream of being, and as sad as that is we both know it is true".  It is hard to fully let go.

I firmly believe they get WORSE in each relationship! I'm convinced of it.

Their disordered 'acting out' is largely shame/guilt based. They cannot face their own shame & wrong doings but because they can't face it, they can't lay any of it to rest or make piece with it. Only option left is to CARRY IT INTO NEW RELATIONSHIP AS EXTRA BAGGAGE.

My ex got progressively worse after each recycle (because she was subconsciously carrying more shame each time around).

I had it worse than my predecessor & he had it worse than his... .

I'm the neighbors predecessor & he'll get it worse than me because she's now carrying the shame of what she did in our relationship.

Ya get me?

Better yet, how about stories of succeeding with the NEXT GIRL (for those of us on this end of the equation)?  |iiii

I've said it a million times before and I'll say it a million times again... . I JUST DON'T GET IT. When my ex dumped me and cut me out of her life I never heard a single thing from her again. Not a word, not a peep, zlitch, notta, NOHING! There wasn't any of this make me feel jelouse games, or checking up on me... . heck I didn't even get a chance to block her on social media, she blocked me from everything. Really drives me nuts to read stuff like this. Sure I read the odd story of ex's vanishing on here but 99.99999999999% of the stories I read on here involve the ex's always remaining in some sort of contact and or recycling. MUST BE NICE!

I'm still waiting to tell that story. Only 10 weeks out of the relationship. After a BPD relationship. I don't think any relationship would be considered a bad one. :)

Dave44 thank your lucky stars. There ain't nothing nice about post breakup contact. It's all a bunch of childish nonsense that causes even more hurt. Exes be exes for a reason.

Trust me, there's nothing "NICE" about it... . at all.


I said the same thing about leaving a relationship with an alcoholic. Little did I know what future dysfunction was in store. Hmm. Maybe I can find me an old fashioned paranoid schizophrenic with multiple personalities!  :)

I genuinely haven't laughed so hard for a long long time as I did just when i read that!

From the bottom of my heart, Thank you

Well for me things keep getting stranger. My wife of 7 years began cheating once again on Facebook 3 months ago and then flew out of state to make it physical. I filed for divorce and am awaiting judges signature. I was painted black by the wife and the new guy is the king of the world, well was. Don't really want to get into all the borderline behavior over the last 8 years so I will keep this short. Wife tells me her new guy & her talked about getting married and they were going to have the perfect relationship but she still wants me to be best of friends for life. She says, please don't abandon me. So, after 3 months she is ready to get married to a new guy and we are still legally married. She didn't even admit to the affair and told her friends she didn't know why I was divorcing her. Suddenly new guy blocks her from Facebook and its over according to my wife. Now she is trying to reverse course and paint the new guy black and me white again. Sorry, too late for that, I've had enough. I will be moving 1,200 miles from her and divorce will be final soon. Any bets next week new guy is painted white again & me black? So, yes if your partner is borderline the pattern will keep repeating and the next new guy will be on these boards soon enough. For me it doesn't matter if my wife is borderline anymore because all that matters is we had a horrible relationship and I need to address myself and my issues because I want my next relationship to be healthy. As far as the Next Girl, it will be awhile before I ever date again.

These days it's easy to be tempted to follow the ex on social media.  That is a huge mistake that will only delay a healthier you!  My exBPDgf was all over social media immediately after the breakup.  She was trying too hard as her friends would say.  I had to literally logoff and not contact any of my friends via Facebook, Twitter, etc.  I communicated the old fashioned way, via telephone!  Not knowing what she was up to helped me move forward.  I stopped second guessing myself and realized that it was just me now and I needed to be healthy for the first time in a while!

I actually survived without social media and here I thought there was no way I could! 

First time around she didn't contact me again... was some 26 yrs before she did... on FB, and it led to a divorce and general devastation in my file. We recycled 7-8 times... . I am in treatment for PTSD now. She is just like Jodi Arias... as a hater she could easily shoot, stab and slice my throat.

Must be nice? Was the single worst thing in my life so far. Be careful what you wish for... . with a pwBPD... it can always be worse.

Obviously my comment had a lot of sarcasm. It's just been so tough to deal with the fact that she dropped me on my head SO severely. She cut me out of her life and ignored me so hard it made me question my own existence. I know I should NEVER turn to her for validation but something, even just the LITTLEST form of reaching out or contact would at the very least give me some validation. Trust me, I don't want her back. But I do exist, I am still here and considering she wanted to marry me less than 48 hours of her ending it you'd think I'd be at the very least worthy for SOME form of contact. Instead I'm left wondering if it all just happened, or was I just dreaming... .

Dave44, i know how you feel, i think the same. Im sure if it happened i wouldnt feel so good but right now all i can think is why is everyone getting contact and im not!

Thinking they love you so completely one day to complete emptiness the next, no goodbye, no take care, no nothing... . i keep thinking if i meant anything to him he would make contact, but then on the same note i know i meant nothing to him anyway, none of us did, so if he did it would only be for him and i dont need reminders of it always being about him.

Im glad my ex has gone to his mums as its about 70 miles away so i will never have to see him again, thats the only way i can get through this. If i saw him it would break me. Its a love hate feeling at the moment, working towards indifference.

Its never going to have a happy ending, no matter who they end up with. 

With time, love and care we will move on and find happiness, its sad that no matter what they wont. I do feel sorry for my ex, its not his fault but at the same time he could of stuck to therapy and given it a real go for him.

I wouldnt want to be the next one, would you?

I understand... first go round I was devastated... she dumped me and showed up a week later hanging on a neighbor... I considered shooting him, her, myself... and decided to move instead. Quit my job and went 1500 miles away. Back then I didn't know she was a pwBPD. Took me about 5 yrs to get back dating others without being a compete basket case. Then I met my wife... we were together 22 yrs... lost my job along with tons of people back in about 2009... and was desperate for a job, finally got on FB looking for connections, she chased me down and messed up everything a second time.

Seems like they should have warning's tatoo'ed on to them or something... given the devastation.

Far as i know, my exBPDgf... was married/divorced twice, engaged 7 times, had 2 STD's (near time I dated her)... an abortion, and so many BF's that she had no idea how many she has had. On meeting her you would think butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, she seems sweet/innocent. When angry... . never seen anyone so hateful with absolutely no filter/brake on her behavior... she really could easily kill someone. Longest argument was her yelling at me (in circles)... for 7 hrs ... . I took it, then walked out. No question it was abusive... but I was trying to rationalize it somehow... I had left my wife and daughter, lost a second job, more than 1/2 of my stuff ... . and for a gal as mean as a junkyard dog... took a lot for me to accept it. But it is the truth.

As far as the next guy... . he can have her! But the generic he/next guy... . can do better.

Seems like they should have warning's tatoo'ed on to them or something... given the devastation.


charred,

My Ex GF talked about getting my named tattooed on her. I told her it was not necessary as I'm not really into tattoo's.

I can just imagine if every guy she has been with had there name tattooed on her body. Maybe that would be a sign,( red-flag) BPD beware. She did have her finger nails done with my name spelled out like love ----. I thought it was stupid, but what ever floats your boat. :)

I don't mean to take over the original poster/topic but in regards to the question quoted... . yes. I'm so incredibly lonely at this point I would take any form of interest from a woman -- BPD/healthy or not. I've become a prisoner of my own world of loneliness suffering every day wondering if someone, anyone is going to acknowledge my existence. It's completely bizarre as I'm a very good looking guy with SO much to offer in a relationship yet finding a woman to even breath in my direction has become a pointless endeavor. I just don't get it.

NYC, If it's any help, I was a "next guy", and my BPDex and I didn't "sail off into the sunset together" even though I learned early on that she had BPD. She's had therapy in the past but quit. If you read enough stories on the boards, lots of BPDers quit their therapy and backslide. If you want a temporary fantasy, you're better off buying a lottery ticket because it's cheaper and less disappointing when you don't win.  lol


Dave44, hang in there. Your self esteem took a big hit and needs some time to bounce back. You'll get it back and get back your mojo as well.  |iiii   To be totally honest, I too felt a strong urge to be needed and desired after breaking up with my BPDex.

I cannot agree with this more... I understand where your thinking is, but trust me, you are way, way, way better off! The more he contacts me, the more I hurt... . truly.  :'(

My take is recovery from BPD is similar to recovery from alcoholism, in that complete abstinence is required, and only then does the real work start, the search for and resolution of the underlying causes.  To do it right, a BPD should end a relationship, or have it ended for them, and enter treatment, substituting a relationship with a good therapist for a significant-other relationship, for a long, long time; there's a lot of work to do.  And as with alcoholism, the success rates are very low, and real progress takes years and years of intensive work.

But more likely, a BPD will start the cycle all over again with a new victim, a willing victim mind you, naive as hell in my case, but a victim nonetheless, remembering that the BPD was the original victim in childhood.  So the cycle repeats, and there will be a continuous supply of kind-hearted individuals that will go down the same path we did, and enjoy the same chaos.

The best we can do is realize we can't fix it, and use the pain to motivate us to not only avoid those types of relationships in the future, but dig deeply into our own stuff, searching for the reasons we went so far down a dysfunctional path, ignored all those red flags, and accepted all that abuse, trying in vain to get back to something that was a fantasy and a fiction to begin with.  What can we make the experience mean, realizing that everything happens for us and not to us?

Dave44,

My exUBPDgf re-engaged me once after she left me the first time. I let her back into my life knowing full well what she has and what the inevitable outcome was going to be at the end. And it played out literally exactly in Idealize. Devalue. Discard. Both times.

Based on this, she will try and re-engage with me again. As you can see, she successfully did it to me before. It is only a matter of time. When that time comes, if i let her back in again... . She will hurt me again in the same exact way. She hurt me really bad when she left first time. The second time, multiply the hurt by 1000. The next time will kill me.

She will only hurt you. The hurt you are feeling now will pale in comparison to the hurt she will inflict in a future discard of you. It is inevitable.

My Ironman suit was ripped apart in the process. As much as i read about BPD... . made no difference... . other then being able to forecast her exact horrifying behavior that was aimed only at me. The person most intimate with her.

My Ironman suit could not protect me. I tumble from space in the aftermath.

Ironmanfalls

I know for a fact my exBPD's next 'victim' is going through hell right now.

He's trying to keep busy with work just to stay SANE.

Classic push/pull, manipulation, etc driving him around the twist.

In his own word: "I don't know what normal is any more" ... .

I think the quiet loneliness is what gets us in trouble, we are lonely for a reason, like we disconnect from people in general, and keep them at a distance. The pwBPD ignores boundaries and is super nice to us at first and we trust them, then when they turn on us or leave... . we are devastated.

They didn't do us in... . we did it to us, by isolating ourselves from our feelings, and from genuine connections with people, ... . THEN they came in and gave us a hyper taste of emotions and connection and we loved the good stuff, they gave us connections to bad feelings and we didn't like that, but we felt alive and involved. They kind of force you to be in the moment and feeling things... . much like a little kid... . and normal people don't do that.

Having them contacting us after breakup... . is excruciating, not nice. The r/s we had with a pwBPD is like one with a parent, all that early fake nice stuff they do seems like unconditional love, we eat it up, put them on a pedestal and deep down react like they are a parent... and when they dump us or we break up... . the hurt is like losing a parent, not just a girlfriend. Imagine losing your mom... . and then getting to talk to her for a hour every once in a while after you lost her... . it would make you nearly insane... would not help. You would have so much emotional stuff riding on every word you would be a basket case... . all the loss feelings would come back each time when you had to quit talking or leave again... Making desperate pleas to not be gone would make you like a begging child mentally... . that is what the post-breakup contact does.

What I find really, really disturbing (but considering the source, it isn't so disturbing after all) is the fact that the BPD'ers will more often than not start the fights, accusation, button pushing, etc. to have a reason to leave the relationship. That's what mine did. These people have our blue prints memorized enough to know how to really stroke the fires within us. Then, when they've gotten us to blow a gasket, they simply and calmly say things like "See? This is what the problem is.", "It's too bad you're friends don't know you like I do." and "I can't deal with you and your drama. This isn't what I want."  If they would just take the road less traveled and less combustible, perhaps the situation would be less painful and volatile.

I'm sure, if my ex ever meets someone, she'll drive that guy nuts and smear his name to all of her friends like she did me and I can just hear her telling her friends that what led to the breakup was EVERYTHING HE DID! This is under the presumption she keep a man long enough. Any man that would want to put up with a married woman living with her husband, daughter, sister-in-law and mother-in-law must have a pretty low sense of self worth himself.

A part of me wouldn't mind hearing how bad her next relationship will turn out. It's inevitable. And the Cycle of Spiritual Justice will side in my favor :

)  !

And what is with the other part? What would he wish or do?

I have a really hard time thinking about my BPDxbf getting involved with someone else.  I try not to think about it because, like the rest of you, it about kills me.  There wasn't any infidelity in our relationship.  And at first I thought he might have met someone, or had someone lined up, but I'm pretty sure i was wrong about that.  In any case I had numerous conversations about him about trying some sort of medication for his anger and irritability.  He rejected it out of hand.  When we were talking this week he indicated he was going to check into it.  Got to admit that hurt.  I mean he wouldn't do it for me but he wants to try so his next relationship doesn't crash and burn.  But in any case... . I think i can honestly say I don't want him to make the next girl miserable.  "She" is an innocent as we all were going into this.  And I don't want him to be miserable either.  He's in so much pain and misery as it is.  Yes I'm beyond hurt.  Yes I'm angry.  Yes I want him back (but can't go back).  But I still love him.  And I hope and pray I'll get over this yearning and sadness someday.  But I still worry about him.  I want him to be happy.  There is a tortured soul there.  I want him to find some peace. 

Surnia, the other part of me is the sympathetic human being in me that wouldn't want to hear she was abused in any way. Yes, I'd like her to get her comeuppance, but I don't want to her she was smacked around or anything by some guy whose emotions she toyed with. I'm not THAT cruel!

This was my guess, that you are not so cruel. Thats why I asked. 

She deliberately sought out a guy at another graduate program at my school. I saw them together on campus heading back to his apartment and I almost had a panic attack. Since he graduated, they both moved across the country (after less than 3 months together).

They are both 3000 miles away from me now. But this new guy is still very "real" to me -- I've seen him with my own eyes, and I lived in a personal prison looking over my shoulder for the rest of my schooling until they left together.

I just wish this relationship would fail and she can meet someone else. Some nameless, faceless, random guy 3000 miles away. And she can "recycle" the new guy all she likes -- threatening suicide, etc... .

I honestly think it would make me feel substantially more "removed" from the situation, and I would feel my pain transferred into the new drama triangle. As if my pain wasn't happening to me anymore, but to him now. I know it might seem petty, and irrational -- but it's how I feel right now.

Surnia, Thank you for your correct guess. No, I don't want any sort of violence to come her way, in any way, shape or from from anyone, let alone some new guy.

No one deserves to be beaten to a pulp or hurt so bad their in the hospital (or, God forbid, worse) but some people, when their emotions are toyed with, react in a variety of ways from walking away to inflicting physical harm. We see it all the time on the news. Make me wonder what this person did to the person who freaked out!

Thank you again for recognizing I'm a good man. Now, my ex will disagree with you, and she has her reasons. She apparently expected me to just roll over when she started her mind games and all I did was use words as my defense... . and words hurt far less then hands and fists do!. 

One of the things to learn about is that we know our values and that we have options.

This was a very important lesson to me.

be careful what you wish for... . no joke  doesn't anybody else here have serious deep rooted fears of their pwBPD maiming or killing them?  maybe i run on the paranoid side, but i was often afraid to go to sleep @ her house.  she almost always stayed awake doing god only knows what.  we are most vulnerable when asleep.  jodi arias didn't even wait for sleep... .

but back to the OP, please don't take this as criticism, it's more an invitation to look deeper.  i've entertained plenty of unhealthy thoughts but if what we Nons feel/felt for our pwBPD is/was truly "love" then wouldn't we actually desire for them to find a happy, meaningful, fulfilling love r/s even if it's with someone else? 

why are so many of us Nons somewhat (fully?) obsessed with themes/thoughts revolving around hate, revenge, ill-will, etc?  we talk about the pwBPD being childish/immature/dysregulated emotions/etc but how much better off are we?

i'm seeing more and more clearly, thanx to this board and all ya'll great folks, that this entire experience/process is soo much about ME, than it ever was about HER.   :light:

icu2

Loud and clear, good buddy! Excellent post, Moonie! I'd like to think if my ex is involved with someone right now (other than her husband, that is) that she's feeling some regret for how things shook out. I don't know if she's all bark and no bite (save for her not following through with her calling the police on me... . which would've been useless for her) and I can't really gauge if she felt any shame or regret at what happened. Whatever guilt, shame or regret she may have felt, she placed firmly on my shoulders.

Must be nice to just blame everything else i.e. bad luck, wrong place-wrong time, fate, etc. and everybody else for things that go wrong in your life. And as you wrote and we're all coming to realize... . take it out on the person in the next relationship.

You're absolutely correct: they can't accept any blame whatsoever. It's like strangling their own ego if they admit they're human.

FFINNYC

From my own experience. My uBPDex fiancée hooked up with a male 'friend' straight after she finished our relationship. She is still with him 20 months later, I now that for sure. Is she happy? I don't know. That being said we were together for over 2 years... . I kept hanging in there... . the new partner maybe hanging in there to... . hoping she will change, hoping he can 'fix' her. Up until recently my ex and myself kept our relationship on the slow burner, meeting for coffee, making love, being a couple even though she was in a relationship with her 'friend'. If she cared for him, loved him, or felt any empathy for him she wouldn't have done those things... . I was in his position once. 

Without therapy why would they change their behaviour with a new partner? We're talking about changing someone's mind. I'm no psychologist but would a schizophrenic suddenly become well without therapy? a person suffering with tourettes suddenly become well without a cure? no.

I think it's important to focus on how were were treated during our relationships with BPD partners. I was treated appallingly, lied to, blamed, raged at... . none of us deserve that.

Long post, but really struggling right now -- please read and comment if you'd like. I really appreciate everyone's support so far :)

Lately I've just been CONSUMED with feelings of doubt. She claims to be in DBT therapy and on Prozac now (after I told her about BPD). The diagnosis and treatment came AFTER she moved thousands of miles away with the new guy. While they were together in my city, she constantly emailed me behind his back begging me to take her back. I even agreed to meet her the day before she left to move across the country with him (he had already left a few days earlier, and she had been with him for about 3 months at this point), and she told me "He will always be second to you." etc... . And we ended up sleeping together.

I also suspect I'm going through some form of PTSD. After I broke up with her, she sent me photos of her cutting herself (with my name written in blood) and attempted suicide with pills (I had to call the police and have a car sent to her). I've never gone through anything so traumatic. Also, her deliberate choice to start seeing someone at my school (she was NOT a student at my university -- she deliberately searched OKCupid for students who go to my school) caused extreme anxiety for me whenever I went to/from campus. Meanwhile, she was constantly emailing me saying things like "[new guy] is a poor substitute" for me. etc... . extremely manipulative. 

I have been NC for about 2 months, but recently broke it by looking at her social media. This guy has bought into her BS hook-line-and-sinker. He  just took her on a luxurious trip to Vegas, Napa Valley, and Hawaii. There are tons of photos of her kissing him, in a tropical paradise, etc... .

When I saw her before she left, she alluded to her new bf's affinity for cocaine. He will be starting his first job as a lawyer soon, so basically he spends tons of his parent's money on her (considering he has never had a "real" job). I suspect he has serious self-esteem issues (hence the cocaine) and spending money on her boosts his ego (she grew up in poverty and is essentially broke). I doubt he is aware that she is also thousands of dollars in debt. I suspect maybe even I had similar issues, because it made me feel good to take care of her. But when I realized that she was never going to get her life together, I decided I wanted more out of a relationship and broke up with her.

I'm just extremely bitter about everything right now. What if she actually is getting better? Did I miss out on the love of my life? Should I have taken her back when I had the chance? Do I still have the chance?

All of my idle time is consumed by these ruminations. I've sought out therapy but it hasn't been very helpful.

My brain knows a life with her would be miserable. She will never

- go back to college and earn a degree

- hold a "real" job

- have health insurance

- be able to support herself on her own

She would always just be completely dependent on me [just like she is with the new guy].

BUT MY HEART JUST WON'T FOLLOW. It has been 6 months since the breakup, 3 months since I last slept with her, and 1.5 months since last contact (a phone call). I'm struggling.

FFINNYC,

You touch on something that has been eating away at me for some time.  My separated BPDw started DBT a short time before she walked out on our marriage, and I find myself constantly ruminating whether she is ultimately going to find some sort of peace and happiness as she continues the therapy and carries on with a creepy ex-boyfriend she's recycled in the midst of our separation.

But I have to remind myself that DBT takes a concerted effort for a considerable amount of time before borderlines can show any marked improvement, and even then it can't necessarily be assured that there lives, feelings and emotions 'normalize' in any permanent way.

Even knowing this, I can't help but feel as if I've also lost my best friend, and the most important person that ever came through my life, warts and all.

8 Months on and I am still hurting a little but I've never ever wanted anything but for her to be happy period. That's love right there. Forgiving her wasn't too hard its myself I need to forgive and almost have.

This is a really good point... . we've all focused too long on our x's, why not talk about new r/s's in which we applied our new skills and knowledge to it?

MCC

ffiNYC, it might be best to just block her from your social media. NC includes looking her up on social media, asking friends what she is up to, etc. NC gives us the time and space to heal because we can easily spend too much time and energy on them instead of ourselves. Every time we see/hear something about the next guy, it just opens the possibility of hurting us or at least setting us back on our healing.

If you really want a dose of reality, go to the staying board and read the stories there. It's not very empathizing of me, but sometimes it makes me feel like we are the lucky ones.

FinallyFree,


For pwBPD, Facebook or whatever is simply another tool/weapon for them.

Once you begin to recognize some of their patterns/tactics/techniques, it's both fairly amusing & pathetic.


They do this stuff intentionally, taking full advantage of the "leverage" of social media. Try not to buy into it.

If you do, you're playing right into their hand, and they're accomplishing exactly what they set out to do.

wha... ?  i didn't know that.  how'd i miss that?  is there a place here that explains the full context/definition of NC? 

i thought it just meant no direct contact be it physical, phone calls, texts, etc.  i mean like, where do we draw the line?  if i look at her pictures or get a letter in the mail and read it, did i break NC?  i guess the 6 months of NC under my belt isn't really under my belt... .  

icu2

so true.  i also discovered, too late, that my xBPDgf used Facebook as a virtual single's bar for hook-ups.  that's where she met every guy that she cheated on me with (that i'm aware of) ... .   she puts up sexually appealing "selfies", encourages men to contact her and trolls to make local "friends" who then become "victims" lol.  (ok, lil anger seeping out there, sorry)

in the end, one day she left it open and i had the opportunity to look inside her FB, at personal messages, and it was a bit tempting but i passed on it, for my survival.  probably the best use of what little bit of common sense and dignity i had left!   :light: i knew it would be painful at best and might just shatter my world at worst.

icu2

Finally Free,

It's been six months since you've been broken up with your ex but you have not made detaching your goal. You have created a narrative in your mind about her being all fixed up and polished for the new guy because she's in therapy and on medication. It's natural to create a narrative about them being "healed" with the new guy but nothing could be further from the truth. If she were healed she wouldn't have cheated with you. If she were healed should wouldn't be betraying her new love interest.

Finally Free. BPD is a serious mental illness and it helps to re-focus on the facts of the disorder. Remember the truth of what you experienced while you were together. BPD cannot be scratched out like dandruff or dropped off at the laundromat. It's a attachment and shame based disorder that is triggered by intimacy and vulnerability.

As for your ex's therapy it takes years of intensive committed therapy before this disorder can be better managed. I suspect that your ex isn't as committed to her healing as you believe. More than likely she is riding the belief that her new beau will cure her of her pretzel logic and emotional dsyregulation.

Your proof that she's the same is that she cheated with you.

One of the most difficult aspects of accepting a BPD breakup is accepting that we fell in love with a mentally ill person. They look normal on the outside but on the inside lives a core damaged and emotionally stunted child with a limited capacity to emotionally exchange in a mature and healthy way. Our BPD's have a past that we cannot fix or make go away and no amount of "newness" will repress their traumatic memories or disorder permanently. Because wherever they go BPD lives and breathes.

So to answer your questions:

Is she getting better? I highly doubt that; particularly if she's in the throws of idealization.

Did you miss out on the love of your life? No. The love of your life is the love you have for yourself.

Should I have taken her back when I had the chance? It depends on what you believe this woman can give you. Do you really believe that this woman has the magical keys to your happiness?

Do I still have the chance? Again. What exactly do you believe this woman has? She has treated you horribly. Left you for new supply. Cheated with you and told lies. Do you want someone back that cannot be trusted?

Again. This all boils down to accepting her disorder. And since you're on the Leaving Board the goal is DETACHMENT and her actions are the truth of her.

Spell

:light:  i think i am starting to understand it now!  it does feel like i lost my best friend and the most important person b/c the xBPDgf was mirroring me, i fell in love with myself which SHOULD have occurred when i was an infant/young child through intimate contact with my mother, but since it apparently didn't occur with her i was desperate to find it with somebody, anybody, *but* and here's the clincher, i DID find it with my xBPDgf but since i'm an adult now, it's just not gonna have the same affect... . it/she just can't make me whole now.  i can only make myself whole now through healing and that healing can only come from within ME now.  

am i getting close?

icu2

I believe it feels like losing a mother (parent)... not a best friend... the hurt is much deeper with a parent. Think the reason it feels like that is we put the pwBPD on a pedestal... elevated them to a primary r/s position.  The combination of idealizing/mirroring/love bombing ... . we ate it up, decided we  wanted lots more of that... and then when they turned clingy/hater... . we knocked ourselves out trying to make the illusion we had be true... . and it didn't work. Hate to say it but a truly mentally healthy person wouldn't do what we did... . they would have an r/s where the girlfriend was... . like a girlfriend, and breaking up would be hard but no big deal. The issues I think we have... are that many of us have a hard time connecting with people. It is common to disconnect/disassociate as a way of dealing with trauma/bad stuff... . and when that gets to be habit... you quit feeling things... and avoid situations where you might have to feel bad stuff. Close interpersonal r/s are pushed away... . and most people will stay at the arms length you are comfortable with... . leaving your emotions a bit muted, and a bit of loneliness, but not enough to do anything about it. Then the pwBPD comes along, ignores your boundaries... says you are awesome, and even goes for porn star sex... . we don't stand a chance. We decide that was "unconditional love"... . and elevate the pwBPD in our mind to something wonderful (soul mate in words... . parent in standing)... then the breakup is like losing a parent... depression that lasts long time, severe hurt, lack of motivation... . all those intense emotions we felt are at best replaced with quiet and boredom... if not depression and longing.

They are not the answer (pwBPD)... and they are not THE problem... they seem like the problem at first... but honestly, if we were connected closely with a lot of people... . genuine friends, good r/s with family, ability to be genuinely intimate with a lot of the people we deal with... . we would not have the kind of hole in us that the pwBPD seemed to fill. I finally really accepted that about 6 months ago... but had little idea of what to do... . until a week or two ago. Mindfulness helps you be present... and quit ruminating about your pwBPD... try it if you are still a mess. Being present and not disconnected is necessary to make a real connection with someone new. Google secret to connecting with people... . its no secret... active listening and being present and putting your concerns, words and interruptions aside and being a good listener... try to figure out why each person you are talking to says what they say... . what is behind it and on their mind? A genuine interest in them... and a good ear for what they have to say, is just about like the idealizing/mirroring/love bombing... . people want it and changing how you interact will change how they do.

BPD is an attachment disorder... . meaning the pwBPD didn't attach right with primary r/s (parents)... and has issues in close r/s... . most of us nons... . also seem to keep people at a distance and while not disordered... . we have a need to connect better, or we wouldn't get in to the mess we did. It isn't scary or hard, or complicated... . and to my utter surprise has worked to make my interaction with each person much much better. My problems are not gone, but most of them came from not connecting well, and it was easy to make a big difference.

Thanks for this post Spell! It's helped me further refine my perspective on my uBPDex.

I guess NC could mean different things to different people? But here is a good description of what seems to work or seems sensible as far as using NC as a tool to work on detachment. It's from this forum topic: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61980.0

WHAT IS NO CONTACT?

*It is best to explain to someone simply and kindly that you do not think it is a good idea for you to keep in contact.  But that's it... . one email, one note.  Validate that this is hard for both of you.  Do this via email or a mailed note.  If they attempt to continue contacting you, either ignore or repeat exactly the same thing (via email or note) but no more than 3 times.  If you are sending them a "final break-up/no contact" note, don't argue, justify, or defend... . just write "It is for the best for both of us."

Then:

No email exchanges

No telephone conversations, texting, or exchanging of voice messages 

No dinner out... . even in the pretense of "friends only"

No asking other people about him or her

No talking about him or her (other than a support group)

No inquiries as to what the N is saying about 'you

*Tell friends who want to tell you about him or her that you don't want to hear anything.

*Don't check out his/her Facebook/Myspace or leave him/her veiled messages on yours

*Don't check out dating sites/profiles or other Internet communities where he/she may be posting

No love notes... . no hate notes... . no somewhere in-between notes

Not even a birthday card (I knew you were wondering about that one... . )

No photo album sob fests

No calling his Mother because you care

No exchange or return on left-behind items if it involves your physical presence

*(Either return stuff immediately right after the break-up... Use a third party and/or mail/deliver the stuff or decide you don't need it.)

No books or movies reminding you of Your Favorite Narcissist

No favorite songs, favorite foods or favorite places connected to the Narcissist

*No drunk dialing... .   This means no or little drinking when you are depressed and sad about the break-up.

Nope.

None of the above.

HOLY S***! You just blew my mind, Spell! My eyes just blew up twice their size and are wide open now. Thank you!  |iiii

LC74, it jumped out at me, too. The very love we want is right here in front of our very noses. And in every mirror we look into. way to fire, BPDspell!

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