I really want her to make this guy miserable

[Depression = 72% of members]

Even knowing this, I can't help but feel as if I've also lost my best friend, and the most important person that ever came through my life, warts and all.

 i think i am starting to understand it now!  it does feel like i lost my best friend and the most important person b/c the xBPDgf was mirroring me, i fell in love with myself which SHOULD have occurred when i was an infant/young child through intimate contact with my mother, but since it apparently didn't occur with her i was desperate to find it with somebody, anybody, *but* and here's the clincher, i DID find it with my xBPDgf but since i'm an adult now, it's just not gonna have the same affect... . it/she just can't make me whole now.  i can only make myself whole now through healing and that healing can only come from within ME now.  

am i getting close?

icu2

[ucmeicu2]

Even knowing this, I can't help but feel as if I've also lost my best friend, and the most important person that ever came through my life, warts and all.

 i think i am starting to understand it now!  it does feel like i lost my best friend and the most important person b/c the xBPDgf was mirroring me, i fell in love with myself which SHOULD have occurred when i was an infant/young child through intimate contact with my mother, but since it apparently didn't occur with her i was desperate to find it with somebody, anybody, *but* and here's the clincher, i DID find it with my xBPDgf but since i'm an adult now, it's just not gonna have the same affect... . it/she just can't make me whole now.  i can only make myself whole now through healing and that healing can only come from within ME now.  

am i getting close?

icu2

[charred]

Even knowing this, I can't help but feel as if I've also lost my best friend, and the most important person that ever came through my life, warts and all.

 i think i am starting to understand it now!  it does feel like i lost my best friend and the most important person b/c the xBPDgf was mirroring me, i fell in love with myself which SHOULD have occurred when i was an infant/young child through intimate contact with my mother, but since it apparently didn't occur with her i was desperate to find it with somebody, anybody, *but* and here's the clincher, i DID find it with my xBPDgf but since i'm an adult now, it's just not gonna have the same affect... . it/she just can't make me whole now.  i can only make myself whole now through healing and that healing can only come from within ME now.  

am i getting close?

icu2

I believe it feels like losing a mother (parent)... not a best friend... the hurt is much deeper with a parent. Think the reason it feels like that is we put the pwBPD on a pedestal... elevated them to a primary r/s position.  The combination of idealizing/mirroring/love bombing ... . we ate it up, decided we  wanted lots more of that... and then when they turned clingy/hater... . we knocked ourselves out trying to make the illusion we had be true... . and it didn't work. Hate to say it but a truly mentally healthy person wouldn't do what we did... . they would have an r/s where the girlfriend was... . like a girlfriend, and breaking up would be hard but no big deal. The issues I think we have... are that many of us have a hard time connecting with people. It is common to disconnect/disassociate as a way of dealing with trauma/bad stuff... . and when that gets to be habit... you quit feeling things... and avoid situations where you might have to feel bad stuff. Close interpersonal r/s are pushed away... . and most people will stay at the arms length you are comfortable with... . leaving your emotions a bit muted, and a bit of loneliness, but not enough to do anything about it. Then the pwBPD comes along, ignores your boundaries... says you are awesome, and even goes for porn star sex... . we don't stand a chance. We decide that was "unconditional love"... . and elevate the pwBPD in our mind to something wonderful (soul mate in words... . parent in standing)... then the breakup is like losing a parent... depression that lasts long time, severe hurt, lack of motivation... . all those intense emotions we felt are at best replaced with quiet and boredom... if not depression and longing.

They are not the answer (pwBPD)... and they are not THE problem... they seem like the problem at first... but honestly, if we were connected closely with a lot of people... . genuine friends, good r/s with family, ability to be genuinely intimate with a lot of the people we deal with... . we would not have the kind of hole in us that the pwBPD seemed to fill. I finally really accepted that about 6 months ago... but had little idea of what to do... . until a week or two ago. Mindfulness helps you be present... and quit ruminating about your pwBPD... try it if you are still a mess. Being present and not disconnected is necessary to make a real connection with someone new. Google secret to connecting with people... . its no secret... active listening and being present and putting your concerns, words and interruptions aside and being a good listener... try to figure out why each person you are talking to says what they say... . what is behind it and on their mind? A genuine interest in them... and a good ear for what they have to say, is just about like the idealizing/mirroring/love bombing... . people want it and changing how you interact will change how they do.

BPD is an attachment disorder... . meaning the pwBPD didn't attach right with primary r/s (parents)... and has issues in close r/s... . most of us nons... . also seem to keep people at a distance and while not disordered... . we have a need to connect better, or we wouldn't get in to the mess we did. It isn't scary or hard, or complicated... . and to my utter surprise has worked to make my interaction with each person much much better. My problems are not gone, but most of them came from not connecting well, and it was easy to make a big difference.

[Mutt]

I'm just extremely bitter about everything right now. What if she actually is getting better? Did I miss out on the love of my life? Should I have taken her back when I had the chance? Do I still have the chance?

All of my idle time is consumed by these ruminations. I've sought out therapy but it hasn't been very helpful.

BUT MY HEART JUST WON'T FOLLOW. It has been 6 months since the breakup, 3 months since I last slept with her, and 1.5 months since last contact (a phone call). I'm struggling.

Finally Free,

It's been six months since you've been broken up with your ex but you have not made detaching your goal. You have created a narrative in your mind about her being all fixed up and polished for the new guy because she's in therapy and on medication. It's natural to create a narrative about them being "healed" with the new guy but nothing could be further from the truth. If she were healed she wouldn't have cheated with you. If she were healed should wouldn't be betraying her new love interest.

Finally Free. BPD is a serious mental illness and it helps to re-focus on the facts of the disorder. Remember the truth of what you experienced while you were together. BPD cannot be scratched out like dandruff or dropped off at the laundromat. It's a attachment and shame based disorder that is triggered by intimacy and vulnerability.

As for your ex's therapy it takes years of intensive committed therapy before this disorder can be better managed. I suspect that your ex isn't as committed to her healing as you believe. More than likely she is riding the belief that her new beau will cure her of her pretzel logic and emotional dsyregulation.

Your proof that she's the same is that she cheated with you.

One of the most difficult aspects of accepting a BPD breakup is accepting that we fell in love with a mentally ill person. They look normal on the outside but on the inside lives a core damaged and emotionally stunted child with a limited capacity to emotionally exchange in a mature and healthy way. Our BPD's have a past that we cannot fix or make go away and no amount of "newness" will repress their traumatic memories or disorder permanently. Because wherever they go BPD lives and breathes.

So to answer your questions:

Is she getting better? I highly doubt that; particularly if she's in the throws of idealization.

Did you miss out on the love of your life? No. The love of your life is the love you have for yourself.

Should I have taken her back when I had the chance? It depends on what you believe this woman can give you. Do you really believe that this woman has the magical keys to your happiness?

Do I still have the chance? Again. What exactly do you believe this woman has? She has treated you horribly. Left you for new supply. Cheated with you and told lies. Do you want someone back that cannot be trusted?

Again. This all boils down to accepting her disorder. And since you're on the Leaving Board the goal is DETACHMENT and her actions are the truth of her.

Spell

Thanks for this post Spell! It's helped me further refine my perspective on my uBPDex.

[Learning_curve74]

NC includes looking her up on social media

wha... ?  i didn't know that.  how'd i miss that?  is there a place here that explains the full context/definition of NC? 

I guess NC could mean different things to different people? But here is a good description of what seems to work or seems sensible as far as using NC as a tool to work on detachment. It's from this forum topic: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61980.0

WHAT IS NO CONTACT?

*It is best to explain to someone simply and kindly that you do not think it is a good idea for you to keep in contact.  But that's it... . one email, one note.  Validate that this is hard for both of you.  Do this via email or a mailed note.  If they attempt to continue contacting you, either ignore or repeat exactly the same thing (via email or note) but no more than 3 times.  If you are sending them a "final break-up/no contact" note, don't argue, justify, or defend... . just write "It is for the best for both of us."

Then:

No email exchanges

No telephone conversations, texting, or exchanging of voice messages 

No dinner out... . even in the pretense of "friends only"

No asking other people about him or her

No talking about him or her (other than a support group)

No inquiries as to what the N is saying about 'you

*Tell friends who want to tell you about him or her that you don't want to hear anything.

*Don't check out his/her Facebook/Myspace or leave him/her veiled messages on yours

*Don't check out dating sites/profiles or other Internet communities where he/she may be posting

No love notes... . no hate notes... . no somewhere in-between notes

Not even a birthday card (I knew you were wondering about that one... . )

No photo album sob fests

No calling his Mother because you care

No exchange or return on left-behind items if it involves your physical presence

*(Either return stuff immediately right after the break-up... Use a third party and/or mail/deliver the stuff or decide you don't need it.)

No books or movies reminding you of Your Favorite Narcissist

No favorite songs, favorite foods or favorite places connected to the Narcissist

*No drunk dialing... .   This means no or little drinking when you are depressed and sad about the break-up.

Nope.

None of the above.

[Learning_curve74]

Did you miss out on the love of your life? No. The love of your life is the love you have for yourself.

HOLY S***! You just blew my mind, Spell! My eyes just blew up twice their size and are wide open now. Thank you! 

[LoneWolf768]

Did you miss out on the love of your life? No. The love of your life is the love you have for yourself.

HOLY S***! You just blew my mind, Spell! My eyes just blew up twice their size and are wide open now. Thank you! 

LC74, it jumped out at me, too. The very love we want is right here in front of our very noses. And in every mirror we look into. way to fire, BPDspell!

[Surnia]

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