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So I'm 2.5 months mutual NC, three-months broken up, with ex-uBPDbf and I am itching badly to hear from him. But unlike many other board topics where the non asks for help because their exBPD person has returned, I need help reconciling that I may never hear from the ex again.

I have no intention of contacting him, but man do I miss him. I feel so weak and embarrassed just starting this post, but him being able to go this long without a word is upsetting. In the past when he would break up with me he would be back within a few days.

I knew from our last fight that it was the real end as it followed weeks of him detaching from me. As I got more serious, he became less so. So I sensed he wanted me out for good. I had drafted but didn't send an e-mail pouring out all my thoughts chronicling his emotional unavailability and how we seemed to be fundamentally broken. I was going to send it but I thought it would really kill things then and there, so I refrained. Didn't matter. The following weekend was our blow out fight where I walked out of his life. I didn't declare a breakup, but he did the next day. Maybe he interpreted me walking away from the fight at his house and staying overnight with a friend as me breaking up?

We had a flurry of mean text exchanges two weeks after the b/u, where I tried to make peace with him and yes, to test the waters to see if I could salvage anything. But he was adamant and nasty, telling me to eff-off, we were done and there was no going back. He said I sucked, was a psycho bi**h and threatened to call the cops if I continued to text him.

Anyway, that's that and I'm really trying to get past this guy. But part of me wants to know if he misses me or is having a grand old time with me out of his life. The weak, attachment-problem side of me fantasizes about having a r/s do-over with him.

We live in different cities (same state) and I know for pwBPD out of sight can be out of mind. I could be across the world and still grieving just as heavily, but it's probably easy for him to write me off because I'm out of the area.

You want to know if he misses you?

Yes and no.

No and yes.

Both.

Either.

Or.

All the above.

That is the disorder.

Even if he returns(probability is high if he has returned before successfully)... .

You will get hurt again.

What you are feeling now... .

You will feel a magnitude worse of pain.

He will hurt you worse each time you allow him to come back into your life.

I went through 2 rounds of that.

The second time being 1000 times more painful then the first.

She left me both times.

If I were to allow her back in again(and the day is coming where that re engagement will possibly occur)... .

She will hurt me again.

Even worse then before.

I won't allow that to happen again.


Stay NC.

You need to heal.

I'm sorry Peas.  Almost the exact same scenario with me.  Weeks of him pulling back followed by really hurtful behavior that caused me to walk out and then he ended it.  But unfortunately (and I'll follow up on an earlier post I made with this because I just had the most bizarre conversation with him) we have had all this unproductive hurtful contact over the last almost three months.  I understand how you feel because I would feel the same way.  But then again I have to tell you I think you're better off.  It's painful nasty stuff and I think I would have been better off without it.  In any case when we first broke up I did think he was having a grand old time without me.  He wasn't.  He does miss me.  I'm sure your guy misses you too.  They just don't know how to deal.  

Hey peas.  I have not heard from my uBPDexbf of 5 years in over 2 years now.  He broke up with me in a shocking and sudden manner (he tried to make love with me that morning, had me moved out by the evening)- we had minimal contact over about a month, as he had moved on publicly in 4 days, although I bet that fling was going on before he snapped. We know the pattern... .I had little contact with him until I was able to get some of my property back from him.  Since then I have avoided him, her, and any of their friends.  I really wanted him to call me for a long time, to say he was sorry and that he made a mistake.  That he wanted to try therapy with me, again.  That really he did love me- but even then, I COULDN'T have taken him back.  What he did was so public and awful, no one- including and especially myself, would have had any respect for me.  So, as painful as it has been, thank goodness he hasn't contacted me.  I get twisted up if I think I see him.  Last time I saw him I got a stye.  I can't imagine hearing his voice on my phone.  Ugh.

Please do not feel embarrassed about this - sometimes, we read so much about others with exes contacting them that we think maybe my pwBPD doesn't love me, maybe they are not BPD; maybe it was me - many of us here have had this same experience.  There is not a one size fits all reason why someone may or may not contact us.  But this much is sure - no contact does not mean you were not loved.

It is ok to miss someone we love - this makes us normal and human.  In the bigger picture - 3 months is not very long even though it likely feels like a lifetime to you right now.

I have written about this before, but the same summer my uBPDexw left for good - one of my best friends husband died.  Nobody would dream of telling my friend after 3 months to not miss him.  Nor should you hold yourself to some self-imposed standard of time for your grief... .the person you loved is not in your life - it is equal to a death... .the death of a dream, the death of a connection.

Give yourself the time and space to grieve - you deserve this gift from yourself.

Peace,

SB

Thank you for such a helpful post Seeking Balance.    I guess what I would like to say is, no matter how these relationships end, it is going to leave a sour taste in our mouth.   When they just up and leave and move on publicly We would always like to talk to them to try to clear up our confusion and bewilderment, but looking at how some other relationships have ended on here, ie arguing, screaming, yelling, the police being involved, physical damage, etc,       be glad and Thankful you didn't get involved in any of that stuff.  As bad as it seems, believe me  it could always be much worse.   

Thanks, Seeking. That's true, I'm experiencing the death of a connection and it's okay to miss him still. I guess I'm being hard on myself because rationally I should be celebrating that someone who caused so me so much grief is gone. It doesn't make sense, but when emotions are involved, it's a slippery slope. I'm also cautious about allowing myself to miss him because I feel if I don't moderate that, I will go into heavy rumination or obsession territory.

What upsets me is I have never before felt so close to finding a husband, to being married, and I feel that won't happen again anytime soon. I really thought, and maybe it was delusion and wishful thinking on my part, that he was it. It's like I waited my whole life for him, for us, and it's gone. 

Thanks Emelie. I have been keeping up with your progress and through you I see the other side, how it can be when they do maintain contact and challenge you with more anguish. I don't doubt my ex loved me. I think he loved me a lot. But like you said, they just can't deal.

Oh Peas don't be so sure that won't happen again anytime soon.  You sound like a wonderful, intelligent, thoughtful, loving woman.  If you want to get married it will happen.  After my divorce I thought I'll never meet anyone again.  Guys my age want to date 30 year olds.  Well first I met him (God help me) who was six years younger and now I'm dating a great guy who is my age.  I don't sense there's going to be a long term relationship with new guy but my point is I didn't think I'd meet anybody.  When you're ready let people know you'd like to meet someone.  I was introduced to new guy by a mutual friend.  Dreams die hard.  I know that.  The grief is real and it's hard.  But if you want it to happen it will.  And this time it will be someone who deserves you.

I know it hurts to put your hopes & dreams on someone only to have it fall apart - I really do.

It's ok to be sad, but keep in mind - the dream you had was never - and I mean EVER - going to be your reality with this pwBPD... .it just wouldn't have been.

Cry until you are done and remember that life will work out, it always does. 

One of my favorite quotes I heard over the last year was from the movie Best Exotic Marigold Hotel -

"But it's also true that the person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing. All we know about the future is that it will be different.  But perhaps what we fear is that it will be the same, so we must celebrate the changes, because, as someone once said, everything will be all right in the end, and if it's not all right, then trust me, it is not yet the end"

You will be ok - give yourself the time to process the emotions... .

Peace,

SB

Definitely, Emelie, I am staying positive. I am a hopeful person and I usually attract nice men. I often feel that things will be okay and will work out. But then I start getting anxious and thinking the worst scenarios. I'm also being impatient, which isn't helpful. I am a nice, loving, caring person and I know I deserve a person who will respect me and be interested in me and not hurt me to make himself feel good.

Funny, but my ex is four years younger than me. I am on the lookout for a stable man closer to my age, maybe older. That is what I plan to hold out for.

I'm feeling better reading the responses in this thread. I'm glad I was vulnerable and just said, Hey people, I'm struggling here with this. At first I felt ashamed for seeming weak. I'm trying so hard to be strong.   

We will all meet new people.  As we emerge from this dark place and begin walking with our heads up and shoulders upright, we will exude more confidence.  Hopefully, we are wiser now.  We know more about ourselves, and why we stayed in the thick of an abusive relationship.  Red flags are more obvious now.  In fact, I kind of/sort of have a new lady friend after 1.5 year out of my 23 year marriage (divorce pending).  I am not ready for full sexual intimacy (we did for a while, but it was too emotional for me). My new friend is kind, sweet, gentle, respectful, calm, honest, caring, loyal... .  After a year of friendship, no red flags.  We are good friends... .maybe lovers some day.  I am in no hurry.  I am just enjoying the company of a good woman who doesn't freak me out.  She understands my anguish about my ex and knows that I need time to heal. 

I am still hoping to get to the point where I don't care if my ex BPD wife contacts me again.  I am not there yet; I still kind of look for a text here and there.  That tells me I am on her sonar screen somewhere.  I know it shouldn't matter; I guess after all the years we had together I hope I left an imprint on her heart and mind in some way.  But I know she doesn't think about me too much.  She is in the idealization phase with her new guy (14 years her junior).  Maybe when/if that fails she will re-engage me again. 

Fiddlestix

I am going through the same thing right now... .one month of no contact, and I know my ex... .he won't contact me again, and i'm reading about how others get contacted again, and part of me was hoping for the other same thing too... .almost jealous.

But everyone here is correct... .that is so much worse... .we can't see it right now... .it's too early... .but we really are the lucky ones...

I'm so confused about the lack of contact.

Are we getting the silent treatment or do they want us out of their lives?

Huhhuh,

Silent treatment is the usual precursor to the discard in devaluation.

They want the non out of their lives.

Why?

Because we triggered them.

Because they are disordered.

Some of them cheat in the process.

Some of them do not.

Regardless... .

We are no longer wanted in their world.

A disordered world.

Stay NC.

Do not allow them back in.

EnigmaSoul, yes, I "know' my ex too. He's proud and stubborn and misguided emotionally. He's not the type to look weak with contact after he and I parted badly. When he paints black, so to speak, he paints black. I asked him once if he was ever in contact with his ex wife and he said no. He said when she left, that was it and he wanted nothing to do with her again. He has amazing moving on abilities. I don't.

People say we are the lucky ones to not have to deal with our exes. I don't feel lucky now. Which is wrong, but that's just what I'm going through. I feel like he is going to easily go to the next person and continue where he left off with me -- wanting to get married, buy a house and start having kids. He has no shortage of admirers. It's like I primed him and put in a bunch of work to have that, only for him to choose someone else. And of course I feel like I will be single and miserable indefinitely. That's the unhealthy loop playing in my head.

Sometimes I wish I had BPD abilities to quickly change partners, emotions and memory and just run with it.

They dont process the ending of a relationship the way we do.

That is why they appear to move so fast.

But then they return.

Again and again.

Why?

Cause they never truly ended the relationship with us to begin with.

That is nothing to envy.

They are disordered.

Unstable.

He will treat the next person exactly like the way he treated you.

They do not stop.

That is the disorder.

I do not know how long was your r/s, but from my long experience, this was part of the addiction. The break up, the reconciliation. After each "break up" which was emotionally traumatic, the pwBPD would come back. And the addiction / emotional trauma would be soothed. Perhaps this is really the crux of part of the problem. The other, is genuinely caring about your partner.


That is the sad truth.

Out of sight... .Out of mind.

Or so it seems... .

They want it to appear that way to you.

An illusion of power.

Of control.

If you read a lot of the accounts on here... .

The pwBPD comes back more times then not.

Stalking behavior is exhibited more times then not.

Even when they are with someone else... .

They still reach out.

You are very much in their thoughts... .

Especially if you got close.

You have become a trigger for their disordered behavior.

It was three months that I last heard from my ex via that email... .

Since that time

- Some guy that I don't know messages me fishing for information about me and my BPDex asking why we are not together ect. His profile is sus and says he is from another state but when his notifications come up on facebook he is from the same suburb as my ex... .sus... .

- Ex Randomly messages me and asks if I casually have a song... .Like really?

The thing is even if you don't hear from them they are always fishing and when things with their new target do not work out you can bet they are stalking your profile most likely even if they will never contact you... .

They live in torment and in the past we dont have to.

|iiii

Good point.

The closer you are/ were the worse the behavior.


That is the huge difference. We are not trapped in the temporal bind and twisted, black and white shame filled thinking. They are forever tortured with it. The errors of their actions may at times torment them enough to reach out, but only if their current r/s is falling apart. There is not introspection into the demise of the r/s but rather a desire to find an instant fix or band aid for the current pain.

Oh, no! It comes with a heavy package of shame, self-loathing and  not-knowing who you are... .

Everyday my heart wishes we could have one more conversation and end things amicably and in kindness until my head reminds me that they are not capable of such communication in the first place... .

It still really hurts me but realising this is the closure right there the hardest part is accepting it and I am not all the way there yet... .

I really hear you on this. I know I'll hear from mine because we have some practicalities that will necessitate it, but in the future? he's so black and whit that its entirely feasible I'll never hear from him again. 

And in your head it hurts when you worked so hard on making them a better person, and you feel someone else has the benefit.

Of course, the truth is that they will get the same cr*p that we did. But it doesn't feel like that, and it doesn't feel fair that we can't just flip to the next page like they can.

Hi Peas, I can relate. I could see the detachment for months but the last fight I could tell was the last one for her. Difference is I can contact her and she'll usually respond. All it ends up being is a quick fix. Just like any drug.

Like you I put a tremendous amount of work into my relationship. When she responds to my messages she doesn't say one nice thing. Not one bit of remorse. Not the slightest attempt at an apology. Just letting me know how much she hates me, never loved me, I should've gotten the hint a long time ago... .then just starts up with the victim nonsense.

Like I said to my ex... .I can be alone I just don't want to be. She can't be alone. Even though you or I may think we'll never find someone else. It will happen. And it's good that it doesn't happen right now. It's not a good idea to get into a relationship until we're happy being alone.

Snap and Ironman, I think you are correct: they do tend to stalk from a distance. I may never hear from him again, but I have suspicion he has checked up on me on social media. I do not have proof, but I know he's capable.

When we were together we were on Facebook briefly, but after a couple arguments he refused to be my friend on Facebook (yeah, that's messed up. It was a power thing). He still looked at my profile. He made a couple comments about my profile when we weren't connected. One time he suggested I change my profile picture. Also, during a couple fights he brought up some FB photos -- old ones from deep in my albums that were from before I met him -- and used them as a tool for argument. He also brought up some ancient posts I had. I got the sense he scoured my profile good. Oh, and he wanted me to remove my phone number from my FB about page.

He blocked me from FB after the b/u and I have not checked whether I'm unblocked. I don't want to look at anything about him online. I'll be damned if I ever type in his name anywhere in an online search field. He is dead to me online.  

It is why i permanently closed my facebook and instagram.

Simply blocking them doesnt fully protect you... .

They can easily stalk you via a fake account(mine did this)... .

Now she has no idea at all of what i am doing.

I am completely off the grid.

I dont have the luxury of deleting social media i rely on it heavily for my career and its very public with 8000 members between my fan page and personal page on facebook (wonder how many are fake stalker accounts) However I am proud of the self control I have had to not look at her media (blocker her where i can) and to stop people trying to give me info... .

Moving on all comes from within you. I think baby steps and a minute at a time is the best way. Its really important you dont check their social media when you miss them of feel lonely you will go back to square one.

That is the main reason I will not break contact. I couldn't handle him telling me more brutal stuff. He started to go there during our last texts to each other right after the b/u about how our r/s was a sham and was over when it started, which of course angered me to no end because that means I wasted seven months of my life, emotional energy and money on him.

I also don't want to be the one to contact and he sees this but doesn't reply. Or he replies that he's happy with someone else. I'm sticking by his request that I never contact him again.

In bold.

That is projection.

They know they messed up.

But to admit that... .

Their disordered minds will vehemently deny.

So they project that onto you.

Mine said something similar too... .

And she was the one who came back to me, begging and crying.

I know it hurts.

What you will do, when he contacts you? That is most likely.

Promising he has 'changed'  crying and begging you for one more chance to prove it?

Marek, I don't see that happening because he did that before and it was usually within a few days of a breakup. If he did he would have contacted me by now, given his past behavior of only going a few days. I think he is sticking to his word on this one because he wants to maintain a facade of strength. I am also a big trigger for him and he doesn't want that in his life.

In our last fight, he was so disgusted with me. Also, I tried to reach out a week after the b/u and he pushed me away more. I gave him a cooling off period. It just strengthened his resolve.

Maybe in a year or two. Such was the case with me. They don't finish with you that quickly. You were a good supply, and if you are not careful and he knows you find someone else, he will be there instantly.

They dont finish with you at all.

It is not a matter of if... .

But when they will contact you again.

That is all part of their disorder.

Even if they leave you for someone else... .

They will exhibit same behavior to that new person... .

Even before that relationship falls apart... .

And it will... .

Who do you think they will be contacting again... .?

You.

Especially if they know you took them back in before.

You have to remove yourself from that equation.

No contact.

I've come to accept it's like a kid telling his parents he hates them. They just happen to be an adult so you can't send them to there room.



Again it's like a kindergartner's first day of school. Scared to death his parents just left him. It's not that they do or don't care about you. The first thing they take care of is themselves and they need to get out of that scary position of being alone.

In bold.

Nice analogy.  |iiii

It just occurred to me: I know why I won't hear from the ex. He's not a risk taker. Contacting me exposes him to rejection. Or it could expose him to reconciliation. But knowing him, he's insecure and doesn't have much confidence and he doesn't like to get out of his comfort zone. His comfort zone now is back to what it was before I entered his life.

I can't believe I just solved that damn lingering question.

That, or he really can't give two ___s. 

My ex won't be the one to make contact either. I've always had to reach out to her. Her other ex who she recycled for years, I believe, also always had to make contact.

Because she's not one to contact people, for whatever reasons, she ends up with the very first person available. When no one is available she ventures over to the ex husbands place who she really has no interest in.

It's not about giving a ___ or not... .like you said, they are so insecure with themselves they're not going to put themselves in a position to be hurt further.

I go round and round in my head trying to make sense of everything. Trying to answer questions just like yourself. When the real answer is they're just sick.

Thank you!

You have just answered the question I have wrestled with for five months!

The other explanation, which hurts the most and is actually quite simple and most likely the case: He doesn't love me anymore. That's just how it goes. I have to accept that and cut through the rationalizations.

Peas, that's a painful one to wrap our heads around.  I know I COULDN'T believe he didn't love me anymore.  But after some intense therapy, I was able to look back and see he had fallen out of love (or painted me black, anyways) with me long before he ended our relationship.  It sure is hard to imagine that everything he said coming from a place of untruth, but as the words sink in that I have read over and over on this board: HIS ACTIONS SPOKE LOUDER THAN HIS WORDS.  I am noticing this in many of my relationships- that people often say one thing, but behave in a way that doesn't reflect their sentiments.  Live and learn!  |iiii

When there was someone else, I did hear from him, just not as often.  He wanted to be able to triangulate. He pushed me back, but still touched base to make sure I still cared.  When I heard nothing at all for weeks on end, it meant he was in his cave, his life was not going well, and talking to me would make him "feel", which at those times would be hell on earth for him. If I made contact, I got two word answers and the brush off. Don't make him feel, it's too painful...

Bold:

I am in the exact same situation. Usually my ex would contact me a few days after our break up, but this time she didn't contact me in 2 month.

Did your ex contact you eventually?

Didn't read far past the OP peas, but I'm on roughly the same timeframe as you peas. And feel the same. I think I'm about as far along on detatchment as I've been in the past and kinda have hope right now that I can be done with her.

I'm fairly positive mine will reach out sooner or later even though the damage was massive during our last breakup, it included every hurtful thing short of physical violence.

All I can think about is the fact that I don't want a woman who marries me in july, and is asking her ex to let her and her kids move back in with him 3 weeks later. It just shows such a lack of integrity. I can't be with someone who's willing to let herself get passed around like a peace pipe. Tired of letting BPD be a license to behave like a psycho.

Disorder or not, my psycho needs to recognize her patterns, admit they're deplorable and her behavior is dispicable, and get help. I'm done with it, short of a miracle.

I hear what you're saying.  You get sick of them being able to say or do whatever they want, no matter how deplorable, with full license and no accountability. 

Mine too gets passed around like a peace pipe.  She said she's had sex with over 5000 people.  That blows my mind. 

She would have had to have been having sex for 13.6 years every day and a different partner each time! That is vile.

I understand how painful it feels to finally meet the person you've been waiting for your entire life.  To feel so excited, so connected, so happy.  Then they hurt you worse than anyone else has ever hurt you in your life and disappear.  Leaving you crushed.  Leaving you devastated.  Leaving you thinking that the dream is over and that there will be no one else.  Realizing how little you actually meant to them.  Realizing how easy it is for them to move on and how hard it is for you.  That you were just another warm body to keep them from feeling alone for a short period of time.  Now you've been devalued and discarded.  No more recycling attempts.  You've become the enemy in their eyes and there's nothing you can do to change their feelings. 

I am sorry you are going through this.  You are not alone.

She's a sex addict and has been at for more than 25 years.  I do not doubt her claims.  I wonder how many people she's been with since she's broken things off with me?  A lot I would imagine.

I am one of those rare people that has not heard from my ex in about two years. My ex was one of those ___ on you, then cut and run types. When she is done with you, she is DONE. We broke up in April of 2011 after 6.5 years together. She moved out July 1st (She had moved on rather quick, less than 24 hours to my now ex-friend). Once she moved out, I heard from her one time around Christmas when they both decided that they needed to return old Christmas ornaments to me (@ssholes). I have not heard from her since. Going on two years. My ex and ex-friend have been married a little over a year now and I don't see her EVER contacting me again. You know what? Thank God for that! She is an abuser, a liar and extremely toxic. I don't need her to keep coming back for me to know she is crazy. This dysfunctional dance would have gone on forever if she had not found another sucker to seduce with her fake abuse sob stories. If you don't hear from them, chances are they are too preoccupied with their new "soulmates". Don't take that too personally. When the honeymoon ends, trust me you will be in their thoughts again. Anything to keep the focus off of themselves. When things were ify between us, she would often cyber stalk her old "abusive" boyfriend on Facebook and look at all his photos and stuff. I already know that both of those losers have checked my facebook account (now they are blocked). You are on their minds. You can't be with someone for years and have nothing remind you of that person. They may have BPD, but they are still human. View no contact as a blessing. They are giving you the gift of space and time to heal. I know it does not feel that way, but trust me it is waaaaayyyyyy better to have them disappear, then have to deal with them in your face all the time. Kinda like being an alcoholic trying to quit, and having your drunk buddy coming around all the time with your favourite scotch. It makes sobriety that much more difficult.

Hear you StarShine ... .

He told me he loved me at least 10 times the night before we broke up. The night we broke up he shouted how much he loved me in front of the soon to be replacement girl.

Will be good ... .

I LOVE your little kid analogy. It really does explain a lot.

The I hate you ... .don't leave me alone.

Their leaving is like a kid running away from home.

Their rebounding immediately is because the need a new "mommy."

|iiii

Mine actually did the 'running away from home' thing when he was about 18 (he comes from a culture where you live at home until you marry).

I felt he basically played out exactly the same scenario when he left here (except, unlike his parents, this time, I wasn't begging him to come home).

Funnily enough, after he'd been left about 2 months, he came over (we were still in contact and I was still trying to look out for him at that point). He was coughing badly. I said 'You don't sound very well, do you need a doctor?" He just looked at me and said "Of course I'm not well, nobody's looking after me."

When he saw the look of utter astonishment on my face, he quickly changed it to 'I'm not looking after myself' and changed the subject, but it just astounded me that a man in his thirties was incapable of being responsible for himself.

Always stayed with me, that little slip.

Their fractured emotional realm does not allow them to be 'serious' or 'committed' to anyone.


The harsh and nasty things he said were meant to push you away to limit the closeness because there is a strong chance that your emotional love and care triggered him.


He might remember you but again,these feelings are transient and they do not attach or bond like a non so don't quite know about 'missing'.They are self-esteem issues and view self as dirty so they cannot have a grand old time,ever,unless they enter therapy.

Mine left suddenly after spending an entire day with me on a holiday(we had come too close,things were fantastic) and he got triggered badly.

Been there,experienced this(stuff in bold) time and again.

Saw_tooth, yes, get too close and get burned. Of course, they spend a lot of words and energy drawing us close, but if we don't follow the directions, which are printed in invisible ink, we are rejected.

What I don't understand is why they are so mean when they decide they are done. I understand rejection and I understand falling out of love, but for whatever reason that feeling just makes a pwBPD irate instead of remorseful or empathetic. To them, it's our fault they developed feelings for us. 

Mine was really mean- which was such a contrast to him wanting to make love only hours before.  Maybe it's to see if we will really jump ship.  Mine said horrible things to me, kept  bunch of my stuff, signed over my car for thousands more than we paid for it (it had to be in his name) so I had to pay more to get it registered.  Devalued me as a lover, told people I cheated on HIM.  People knew that was a lie- I was obviously head over heels for the guy.  The meanness cuts right to the heart.  It was very disorienting to have him behave like that.  It took me utilizing a bunch of different tools to kick start the healing process, for sure.  And I'm still working on it, becoming more whole every day.  It's been over 2 years since I've heard from him.  I don't think I will, and that's a blessing.  It's taken me years to get this far... .

Starshine, it is so hard sorting through this level of betrayal. You really do wonder who this person is that you thought you loved, when they are in terrorizing mode. It's like you can't believe these things are happening to you as they are happening.

Although you weren't the one to end things with your ex -- I wasn't either -- at least they are ended. I don't think we will ever receive answers about what happened within them, their view of matters and what drove their behavior. I have had to accept that I will need to heal with different tools than I used for past failed relationships.

I was thinking today how I would like nothing more than to break NC and ask my ex to give me an hour of his time so I can ask him all my burning questions about what went through his head during our relationship and especially the breaukup. But I know I will never get that because he was never capable of giving me what I needed. He doesn't have it in him to do this even as a courtesy.

In bold/underlined.

I too... .

Have thought the same... .

When she left me the first time.

And then she returned... .

3 months later... .

And told me... .

What i wanted to hear.

Acted... .

In the way... .

I wanted to see.

And then... .

The inevitable... .

Happens... .

Trigger point is reached.

Devalued for 3 months... .

Discarded again.

That was my answer.

If i were... .

To let her back in... .

In would happen... .

Exactly the same way again.

And that would be my answer... .

Again.

BPD.

Hell on earth.

I also wanted some answers from her as well because I was wondering about the exact same things as you.

So I called her and it was a mistake. She said things like "the relationship with you was the worst year of my life" and that she didn't enjoy the time with me at the end anymore and of course it was all my fault.

And yes, the last time I saw her before we broke up she said I love you many times.

It doesn't make sense to get an explanation from them. Once you are painted black, everything you ever did was wrong and he/she doesn't remember the good times. No matter what they said shortly before the break up.

Their actions are more important than their words.

I was first very sad and upset that she didn't contact me at all and just disappeared from my life. But now I think exactly that shows me that she wasn't the right one for me, I don't want a gf that can cut me out of her life and thoughts in an instant. That's not real love in my opinion.

Exactly the same! Although it was often mixed with silent treatment, so I was not sure whether it is a punishment or caving. FB was helpful to identify the difference :)

Ironman,

Thank you. Your points are spot on ... .

Mine said it was not a relationship,I never felt anything,I never wanted to come close and we should move on because 'You got too emotional'.

Totally agree with the stuff in bold,doesn't make sense to reason with them because their disorder renders them incapable of rational adult behavior.

Mine said it was not a relationship,I never felt anything,I never wanted to come close and we should move on because 'You got too emotional'.

Totally agree with the stuff in bold,doesn't make sense to reason with them because their disorder renders them incapable of rational adult behavior.[/quote]
She told me that I was "so intense" except she was the one with the constant texting, always wanting to sit on the phone for hours, pushing me to say "I love you" first with all this manipulation. I agree, I definitely am intense with my love; however, I am also very guarded and she played the game long enough that I let my guard down. Now I'm suffering for being me, but it's better than suffering being someone I'm not because that's who I'd become.

True this.

But if we consider closeness from their perspective,it burns them like acid falling on skin because they get triggered each time a 'semi-attachment' is formed.They hurt more often than us.




3 things to understand for starters, peas

a)It never was love because there never was an emotional bond.Idealization feels like love to the non but it isn't.

b)They are disordered and a change of feelings from good(happy,loving) to bad(hateful,mean) is a characteristic of this disorder.Baffles us non's but has no rational explanation.

c)Remorse and empathy are emotions which stem from an emotionally mature persons core who feels sorrow deeply.To feel sorrow,you need to feel pain due to an attachment being severed.A BPD can't attach emotionally like a non and hence feels none of these emotions.

Totally understand how you feel D&O.

They idealize us and make us feel loved.If,before we are painted black,we do not reciprocate that love with equal intensity or succumb to all their desires, they play victim and say stuff like 'If you cared about me/loved me you would have done xyz thing for me' but cannot withstand true love being bestowed upon them because with it are concomitant positive emotions which make their shame based self feel insecure and trigger their abandonment fears.

So it is a no win situation for the non unless the BPD enters and sticks to therapy.

I think they do think of us, even if they've moved on.  Moving on is just a way to avoid the pain/facing the consequences of their actions and the r/s ending.  It's classic avoidance behavior. Some will go in the other direction and bury themselves in work, or any activity really, where they can avoid their feelings.

I moved out of state when I ended the r/s, but a friend told me my ex was in pretty bad shape after I left.  Angry, anxious, weight loss.  He and I had contact after the r/s ended, and he expressed a desire to move here to be with me  - I said 'No'. 

I attempted to end the r/s on a positive note (we'd had a history/friendship prior to the r/s). The more I tried to create closure for us both, and end it on a positive note, the more abusive he became.  It was painfully obvious he was intentionally trying to hurt me in the end and with full awareness of what he was doing. 

Everyone is right.  They can't participate in anything that creates goodwill, particularly at the end of an r/s.  In my experience, I think part of this had to do with him not wanting to face that the r/s was actually over.  He probably also felt 'why should I be nice to you if you've left/abandoned me'?

Eventually, I let it go and it was painful. He has a history of not contacting his ex's so I know that he will not reach out to me.

All of this still hurts, but it's getting easier as time passes. 

One of the questions I've asked myself, is this: if he called, would I actually want to talk with him?  What would we talk about? 

I've imagined this (having a catching up pleasant conversation), and I know I'd end up shaking my head at the end of it.  The dialog at his end would be the same negative stuff that he enjoys discussing: how people have wronged him (playing victim), small town gossip, how he's targeting and making an innocent person's life miserable with the help of the local police department (vindictive, control, power), and then I'd probably get some line about how I'm a good person, and how he has issues, how he's trying to be a better person. 

So the answer is, no I wouldn't want to speak with him because he is a boring, disordered man - a bottomless pit of negativity, misery, chaos, drama, and immaturity.  He will forever be a child in an adult body. 

I no longer want to hear about what he's up to (the desire to know ended 2 months ago when my friend told me he wasn't doing well), I've blocked him on Facebook, and anyone associated with him.  My taking control of little things like that feels good.  He can find someone else to sting and project his mental illness onto. 

Oh how true the above-statements are.    I have been sad that I have not heard from my guy myself.  Then I read what I have in quotes above.   I don't have to hear from him.   It is the exact same conversation over and over.  And then ending it with "I am trying.  I am better than I used to be."  Yeah, but it always looks and sounds the same to me.   Thank you for this post.  It has been quite helpful. 

Oh good!  I'm glad it was helpful to you. 

One thing that I found most peculiar is that my ex could not create a dynamic (relating, conversation, shared experiences) that were any different than ones he had already experienced in previous relationships.  That's because he brought those patterns to the table in each relationship he had.

A pwBPD just needs a warm body to plug into their script. That script doesn't change.  It can't change for the pwBPD because if it does, it becomes something that is unpredictable and can't be controlled.  They are all about control.  They need us to behave in certain ways, and react in certain ways so that we play the role they want us to play in their script. 

My ex admitted to me that he had created the same sick, dysfunctional dynamic in every relationship he'd had.  He shared that with me numerous times but only when it was convenient for him to do so.  When he was raging, moody, shut down, or in a state of psychosis, he would deny it by feeding me the line 'you don't know what happened in those relationships', forgetting he'd admitted to me *numerous times* his unhealthy relationship patterns. 

While my ex was a pathologic liar, that's one thing that he didn't lie about.  His ex-wife was gracious enough to share her story with me, and our experiences were identical.  He's a creature of habit and the patterns don't change with new partners.  It's quite creepy. 

Yes, blissful, as drv said, your post is helpful -- it is level-headed and clear.

When I remove the romance and heartbreak filter, the reality is my ex bores me too. I am reminding myself of this and it is helping my healing, not because it's mean or insulting, it's just true and it's something that started to bother me when we were a couple. We didn't have many stimulating conversations because I had more varied life experiences than him and I also had more intellectual curiosity.

Like your ex, mine was from a small town and he centered his life around that. His personal interests were limited to the same three or four musical groups and one sport that he was passionate about playing. That's all fine, but he didn't talk about much else.

As drv said, it's the exact same conversation over and over.

And although my ex did the breaking up, I believe he thinks of me but has moved on without contact to avoid the pain of facing his actions.

This!


bBissful, you are totally on it. I identified this in my ex early on, which actually drove me to want to fill that script even harder. I knew all he needed was a warm body and if I could just hold on, and he held on, then we'd last. I knew I would have to conform to his script. And I removed my own boundaries in vain to make it happen. That's the fundamental fear I had in the r/s with my ex: I knew he just needed a warm body and if it wasn't me, it would be someone else soon after. I don't know if he is seeing anyone, but I presume he is based on that very notion that he just needs someone to be there. All the better if she is conforming to his script.

Yes! 

Something that has helped me when I get a touch of missing him, is I visualize him watching the TV from his couch with that unhappy, angry look on his face (that got old!).  Or I 'hear' his verbiage, the same lines he used over and over like prerecorded messages without any creative use of language. Or I think back on the time that he took me away for a romantic weekend, and refused to hot tub with me, preferring instead... .you guessed it! to watch TV (he looked quite grumpy while doing so).  There are ways to counter the moments when we miss them (and I still do at times) but I'm getting better at pulling myself out of it by digging up memories that were true turn-offs. 

Heh. I recall moments of my ex's vacant stare, which sometimes alternated with a look of "duh." And like your ex wanting to watch TV during a couple's weekend, my ex didn't want to do or see much on a trip to a bigger city. He really had a problem getting out of his routine and comfort zone. Unfortunately, I tried like hell to stay in his comfort zone. I knew once I was there and he got the message, I was home free. But doing so meant compromising my own interests and ideas, assuming a big interest in his life, and downplaying my achievements and worldly experiences. 

Oh dear, our experiences are pretty similar! 

In addition to other quirks, my ex was quite quirky about food.  Perhaps picky is a better choice of words.  When shopping each week, he came home with the same products.  He didn't like healthy, even in his choice of foods.  Lettuce was exotic to him.

I wonder if the problem they had in getting out of their comfort zone was due to there being no one except us to provide them with attention.  I wonder if it reminded them too much of how dependent they actually were on us. Just a thought. 

Yes, once I moved to 'his' town, my life was suddenly all about him.  He made sure of that.  Everything we did, in fact the entire 'relationship' was on his terms.  Like you, I learned to downplay my accomplishments and life experiences, so as not to 'rock the boat'. 

He was not supportive of my career - that was much too threatening to him as it required my having contact with the world-at-large -- outside of his small town.   

Blissful and Peas I can totally relate.  Mine would say the same things over and over.  If he wasn't complaining about his ex, or his job, or the fact that he couldn't see his kids, he was talking hocky and comedy.  That's it.  Anything I liked it didn't matter.  We would go to the video store and he would say get what you want.   Then the next thing in his hands was a comedy.  Then he talked through the entire thing.   I hated watching TV with him.  What do you think that guy is gonna do?  Did you expect that to happen?   Is that funny?  You didn't think that was funny did you?.  Shoot, I never saw the movie cause he talked through the entire thing.  Ugh.  And God forbid I have a complaint about anything.  Not even relating to him.  That came back  to bite me in my buttocks.  Big time.  Never could I say anything.   I was a giant trigger for him.  I could say, looks like rain and I would be negative like his ex wife.   Geezo.  I still wonder why I even care that he's gone.  Self esteem thing for me.   I know it.  If

I've heard that one: "this was the worst two years of my life, I can't believe I wasted my time with you".

The truth is she loved it while it was happening, but re-wrote the whole thing in her head somehow.  The "normal" way to do it would be to say "look, this isn't going to work out, it's been fun but we should break up".

The similarities still amaze me; it seems we were all with the same person.

I was having that exact same thought. And for my part I will try to think that way. I saw that quote on instagram and I really liked it:

Ex means thanks for the experience, our time has expired and now please exit my life.

@fromheeltoheal

The similarities amaze me as well and its actually those similarities that made my register here in the first place. I felt that life was really unfair because all my friends enjoy a normal relationship or had at least a normal break up.

I thought why am I the only one who had to be hurt so much when breaking up? No nice words left.

But realizing that it seems to be a pattern of a people with BPD and seeing that other people were as unlucky as I was and got into a relationship with a BPD makes it easier for me to accept it and deal with it.

I think most of us did not know that he or she had BPD when we fell in love with them. In Germany we have a saying: "You can only look a people's forehead, not into their heads". But now that we had some insight into their heads we know better.

They were not the right ones for us and we can only hope for the next relationship with a normal beginning, a normal everyday life and a normal break up - and not this abuse relationship we just came out of.

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