When we DON'T hear from them

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm sticking by his request that I never contact him again.

What you will do, when he contacts you? That is most likely.

Promising he has 'changed'  crying and begging you for one more chance to prove it?

[DragoN]

I'm sticking by his request that I never contact him again.

What you will do, when he contacts you? That is most likely.

Promising he has 'changed'  crying and begging you for one more chance to prove it?

[peas]

What you will do, when he contacts you? That is most likely.

Promising he has 'changed'  crying and begging you for one more chance to prove it?

Marek, I don't see that happening because he did that before and it was usually within a few days of a breakup. If he did he would have contacted me by now, given his past behavior of only going a few days. I think he is sticking to his word on this one because he wants to maintain a facade of strength. I am also a big trigger for him and he doesn't want that in his life.

In our last fight, he was so disgusted with me. Also, I tried to reach out a week after the b/u and he pushed me away more. I gave him a cooling off period. It just strengthened his resolve.

[DragoN]

Maybe in a year or two. Such was the case with me. They don't finish with you that quickly. You were a good supply, and if you are not careful and he knows you find someone else, he will be there instantly.

[Ironmanrises]

They dont finish with you at all.

It is not a matter of if... .

But when they will contact you again.

That is all part of their disorder.

Even if they leave you for someone else... .

They will exhibit same behavior to that new person... .

Even before that relationship falls apart... .

And it will... .

Who do you think they will be contacting again... .?

You.

Especially if they know you took them back in before.

You have to remove yourself from that equation.

No contact.

[willbegood]

That is the main reason I will not break contact. I couldn't handle him telling me more brutal stuff.

I've come to accept it's like a kid telling his parents he hates them. They just happen to be an adult so you can't send them to there room.

Even before that relationship falls apart... .

And it will... .

Who do you think they will be contacting again... .?

You.

Especially if they know you took them back in before.

You have to remove yourself from that equation.

Again it's like a kindergartner's first day of school. Scared to death his parents just left him. It's not that they do or don't care about you. The first thing they take care of is themselves and they need to get out of that scary position of being alone.

[Ironmanrises]

That is the main reason I will not break contact. I couldn't handle him telling me more brutal stuff.

I've come to accept it's like a kid telling his parents he hates them. They just happen to be an adult so you can't send them to there room.

Even before that relationship falls apart... .

And it will... .

Who do you think they will be contacting again... .?

You.

Especially if they know you took them back in before.

You have to remove yourself from that equation.

Again it's like a kindergartner's first day of school. Scared to death his parents just left him. It's not that they do or don't care about you. The first thing they take care of is themselves and they need to get out of that scary position of being alone.

In bold.

Nice analogy. 

[peas]

It just occurred to me: I know why I won't hear from the ex. He's not a risk taker. Contacting me exposes him to rejection. Or it could expose him to reconciliation. But knowing him, he's insecure and doesn't have much confidence and he doesn't like to get out of his comfort zone. His comfort zone now is back to what it was before I entered his life.

I can't believe I just solved that damn lingering question.

That, or he really can't give two ___s. 

[willbegood]

My ex won't be the one to make contact either. I've always had to reach out to her. Her other ex who she recycled for years, I believe, also always had to make contact.

Because she's not one to contact people, for whatever reasons, she ends up with the very first person available. When no one is available she ventures over to the ex husbands place who she really has no interest in.

It's not about giving a ___ or not... .like you said, they are so insecure with themselves they're not going to put themselves in a position to be hurt further.

I go round and round in my head trying to make sense of everything. Trying to answer questions just like yourself. When the real answer is they're just sick.

[Bach Cantatas]

It just occurred to me: I know why I won't hear from the ex. He's not a risk taker. Contacting me exposes him to rejection. Or it could expose him to reconciliation. But knowing him, he's insecure and doesn't have much confidence and he doesn't like to get out of his comfort zone. His comfort zone now is back to what it was before I entered his life.

I can't believe I just solved that damn lingering question.

That, or he really can't give two ___s. 

Thank you!

You have just answered the question I have wrestled with for five months!

[peas]

The other explanation, which hurts the most and is actually quite simple and most likely the case: He doesn't love me anymore. That's just how it goes. I have to accept that and cut through the rationalizations.

[starshine]

Peas, that's a painful one to wrap our heads around.  I know I COULDN'T believe he didn't love me anymore.  But after some intense therapy, I was able to look back and see he had fallen out of love (or painted me black, anyways) with me long before he ended our relationship.  It sure is hard to imagine that everything he said coming from a place of untruth, but as the words sink in that I have read over and over on this board: HIS ACTIONS SPOKE LOUDER THAN HIS WORDS.  I am noticing this in many of my relationships- that people often say one thing, but behave in a way that doesn't reflect their sentiments.  Live and learn! 

[topknot]

When there was someone else, I did hear from him, just not as often.  He wanted to be able to triangulate. He pushed me back, but still touched base to make sure I still cared.  When I heard nothing at all for weeks on end, it meant he was in his cave, his life was not going well, and talking to me would make him "feel", which at those times would be hell on earth for him. If I made contact, I got two word answers and the brush off. Don't make him feel, it's too painful...

[dansure]

What you will do, when he contacts you? That is most likely.

Promising he has 'changed'  crying and begging you for one more chance to prove it?

Marek, I don't see that happening because he did that before and it was usually within a few days of a breakup. If he did he would have contacted me by now, given his past behavior of only going a few days. I think he is sticking to his word on this one because he wants to maintain a facade of strength. I am also a big trigger for him and he doesn't want that in his life.

In our last fight, he was so disgusted with me. Also, I tried to reach out a week after the b/u and he pushed me away more. I gave him a cooling off period. It just strengthened his resolve.

Bold:

I am in the exact same situation. Usually my ex would contact me a few days after our break up, but this time she didn't contact me in 2 month.

Did your ex contact you eventually?

[blurry]

Didn't read far past the OP peas, but I'm on roughly the same timeframe as you peas. And feel the same. I think I'm about as far along on detatchment as I've been in the past and kinda have hope right now that I can be done with her.

I'm fairly positive mine will reach out sooner or later even though the damage was massive during our last breakup, it included every hurtful thing short of physical violence.

All I can think about is the fact that I don't want a woman who marries me in july, and is asking her ex to let her and her kids move back in with him 3 weeks later. It just shows such a lack of integrity. I can't be with someone who's willing to let herself get passed around like a peace pipe. Tired of letting BPD be a license to behave like a psycho.

Disorder or not, my psycho needs to recognize her patterns, admit they're deplorable and her behavior is dispicable, and get help. I'm done with it, short of a miracle.

[Traumatized]

It just shows such a lack of integrity. I can't be with someone who's willing to let herself get passed around like a peace pipe. Tired of letting BPD be a license to behave like a psycho.

I hear what you're saying.  You get sick of them being able to say or do whatever they want, no matter how deplorable, with full license and no accountability. 

Mine too gets passed around like a peace pipe.  She said she's had sex with over 5000 people.  That blows my mind. 

[DragoN]

She said she's had sex with over 5000 people.  That blows my mind. 

She would have had to have been having sex for 13.6 years every day and a different partner each time! That is vile.

[Traumatized]

What upsets me is I have never before felt so close to finding a husband, to being married, and I feel that won't happen again anytime soon. I really thought, and maybe it was delusion and wishful thinking.

I understand how painful it feels to finally meet the person you've been waiting for your entire life.  To feel so excited, so connected, so happy.  Then they hurt you worse than anyone else has ever hurt you in your life and disappear.  Leaving you crushed.  Leaving you devastated.  Leaving you thinking that the dream is over and that there will be no one else.  Realizing how little you actually meant to them.  Realizing how easy it is for them to move on and how hard it is for you.  That you were just another warm body to keep them from feeling alone for a short period of time.  Now you've been devalued and discarded.  No more recycling attempts.  You've become the enemy in their eyes and there's nothing you can do to change their feelings. 

I am sorry you are going through this.  You are not alone.

[Traumatized]

She said she's had sex with over 5000 people.  That blows my mind. 

She would have had to have been having sex for 13.6 years every day and a different partner each time! That is vile.

She's a sex addict and has been at for more than 25 years.  I do not doubt her claims.  I wonder how many people she's been with since she's broken things off with me?  A lot I would imagine.

[gettingoverit]

I am one of those rare people that has not heard from my ex in about two years. My ex was one of those ___ on you, then cut and run types. When she is done with you, she is DONE. We broke up in April of 2011 after 6.5 years together. She moved out July 1st (She had moved on rather quick, less than 24 hours to my now ex-friend). Once she moved out, I heard from her one time around Christmas when they both decided that they needed to return old Christmas ornaments to me (@ssholes). I have not heard from her since. Going on two years. My ex and ex-friend have been married a little over a year now and I don't see her EVER contacting me again. You know what? Thank God for that! She is an abuser, a liar and extremely toxic. I don't need her to keep coming back for me to know she is crazy. This dysfunctional dance would have gone on forever if she had not found another sucker to seduce with her fake abuse sob stories. If you don't hear from them, chances are they are too preoccupied with their new "soulmates". Don't take that too personally. When the honeymoon ends, trust me you will be in their thoughts again. Anything to keep the focus off of themselves. When things were ify between us, she would often cyber stalk her old "abusive" boyfriend on Facebook and look at all his photos and stuff. I already know that both of those losers have checked my facebook account (now they are blocked). You are on their minds. You can't be with someone for years and have nothing remind you of that person. They may have BPD, but they are still human. View no contact as a blessing. They are giving you the gift of space and time to heal. I know it does not feel that way, but trust me it is waaaaayyyyyy better to have them disappear, then have to deal with them in your face all the time. Kinda like being an alcoholic trying to quit, and having your drunk buddy coming around all the time with your favourite scotch. It makes sobriety that much more difficult.

[Century2012]

Hear you StarShine ... .

He told me he loved me at least 10 times the night before we broke up. The night we broke up he shouted how much he loved me in front of the soon to be replacement girl.

[Century2012]

Will be good ... .

I LOVE your little kid analogy. It really does explain a lot.

The I hate you ... .don't leave me alone.

Their leaving is like a kid running away from home.

Their rebounding immediately is because the need a new "mommy."

[Jbt857]

Will be good ... .

I LOVE your little kid analogy. It really does explain a lot.

The I hate you ... .don't leave me alone.

Their leaving is like a kid running away from home.

Their rebounding immediately is because the need a new "mommy."

Mine actually did the 'running away from home' thing when he was about 18 (he comes from a culture where you live at home until you marry).

I felt he basically played out exactly the same scenario when he left here (except, unlike his parents, this time, I wasn't begging him to come home).

Funnily enough, after he'd been left about 2 months, he came over (we were still in contact and I was still trying to look out for him at that point). He was coughing badly. I said 'You don't sound very well, do you need a doctor?" He just looked at me and said "Of course I'm not well, nobody's looking after me."

When he saw the look of utter astonishment on my face, he quickly changed it to 'I'm not looking after myself' and changed the subject, but it just astounded me that a man in his thirties was incapable of being responsible for himself.

Always stayed with me, that little slip.

[saw_tooth]

I knew from our last fight that it was the real end as it followed weeks of him detaching from me. As I got more serious, he became less so.

Their fractured emotional realm does not allow them to be 'serious' or 'committed' to anyone.

But he was adamant and nasty, telling me to eff-off, we were done and there was no going back. He said I sucked, was a psycho bi**h and threatened to call the cops if I continued to text him.

The harsh and nasty things he said were meant to push you away to limit the closeness because there is a strong chance that your emotional love and care triggered him.

But part of me wants to know if he misses me or is having a grand old time with me out of his life. The weak, attachment-problem side of me fantasizes about having a r/s do-over with him.

He might remember you but again,these feelings are transient and they do not attach or bond like a non so don't quite know about 'missing'.They are self-esteem issues and view self as dirty so they cannot have a grand old time,ever,unless they enter therapy.

[saw_tooth]

He broke up with me in a shocking and sudden manner (he tried to make love with me that morning, had me moved out by the evening)

Mine left suddenly after spending an entire day with me on a holiday(we had come too close,things were fantastic) and he got triggered badly.

[saw_tooth]

Like you I put a tremendous amount of work into my relationship. When she responds to my messages she doesn't say one nice thing. Not one bit of remorse. Not the slightest attempt at an apology. Just letting me know how much she hates me, never loved me, I should've gotten the hint a long time ago... .then just starts up with the victim nonsense.

Been there,experienced this(stuff in bold) time and again.

[peas]

Saw_tooth, yes, get too close and get burned. Of course, they spend a lot of words and energy drawing us close, but if we don't follow the directions, which are printed in invisible ink, we are rejected.

What I don't understand is why they are so mean when they decide they are done. I understand rejection and I understand falling out of love, but for whatever reason that feeling just makes a pwBPD irate instead of remorseful or empathetic. To them, it's our fault they developed feelings for us. 

[starshine]

Mine was really mean- which was such a contrast to him wanting to make love only hours before.  Maybe it's to see if we will really jump ship.  Mine said horrible things to me, kept  bunch of my stuff, signed over my car for thousands more than we paid for it (it had to be in his name) so I had to pay more to get it registered.  Devalued me as a lover, told people I cheated on HIM.  People knew that was a lie- I was obviously head over heels for the guy.  The meanness cuts right to the heart.  It was very disorienting to have him behave like that.  It took me utilizing a bunch of different tools to kick start the healing process, for sure.  And I'm still working on it, becoming more whole every day.  It's been over 2 years since I've heard from him.  I don't think I will, and that's a blessing.  It's taken me years to get this far... .

[peas]

Mine was really mean- which was such a contrast to him wanting to make love only hours before.  Maybe it's to see if we will really jump ship. Mine said horrible things to me, kept  bunch of my stuff, signed over my car for thousands more than we paid for it (it had to be in his name) so I had to pay more to get it registered.  Devalued me as a lover, told people I cheated on HIM.  People knew that was a lie- I was obviously head over heels for the guy.  The meanness cuts right to the heart.  It was very disorienting to have him behave like that.  It took me utilizing a bunch of different tools to kick start the healing process, for sure.  And I'm still working on it, becoming more whole every day.  It's been over 2 years since I've heard from him. I don't think I will, and that's a blessing.  It's taken me years to get this far... .

Starshine, it is so hard sorting through this level of betrayal. You really do wonder who this person is that you thought you loved, when they are in terrorizing mode. It's like you can't believe these things are happening to you as they are happening.

Although you weren't the one to end things with your ex -- I wasn't either -- at least they are ended. I don't think we will ever receive answers about what happened within them, their view of matters and what drove their behavior. I have had to accept that I will need to heal with different tools than I used for past failed relationships.

I was thinking today how I would like nothing more than to break NC and ask my ex to give me an hour of his time so I can ask him all my burning questions about what went through his head during our relationship and especially the breaukup. But I know I will never get that because he was never capable of giving me what I needed. He doesn't have it in him to do this even as a courtesy.

[Ironmanrises]

Mine was really mean- which was such a contrast to him wanting to make love only hours before.  Maybe it's to see if we will really jump ship. Mine said horrible things to me, kept  bunch of my stuff, signed over my car for thousands more than we paid for it (it had to be in his name) so I had to pay more to get it registered.  Devalued me as a lover, told people I cheated on HIM.  People knew that was a lie- I was obviously head over heels for the guy.  The meanness cuts right to the heart.  It was very disorienting to have him behave like that.  It took me utilizing a bunch of different tools to kick start the healing process, for sure.  And I'm still working on it, becoming more whole every day.  It's been over 2 years since I've heard from him. I don't think I will, and that's a blessing.  It's taken me years to get this far... .

Starshine, it is so hard sorting through this level of betrayal. You really do wonder who this person is that you thought you loved, when they are in terrorizing mode. It's like you can't believe these things are happening to you as they are happening.

Although you weren't the one to end things with your ex -- I wasn't either -- at least they are ended. I don't think we will ever receive answers about what happened within them, their view of matters and what drove their behavior. I have had to accept that I will need to heal with different tools than I used for past failed relationships.

I was thinking today how I would like nothing more than to break NC and ask my ex to give me an hour of his time so I can ask him all my burning questions about what went through his head during our relationship and especially the breaukup. But I know I will never get that because he was never capable of giving me what I needed. He doesn't have it in him to do this even as a courtesy.

In bold/underlined.

I too... .

Have thought the same... .

When she left me the first time.

And then she returned... .

3 months later... .

And told me... .

What i wanted to hear.

Acted... .

In the way... .

I wanted to see.

And then... .

The inevitable... .

Happens... .

Trigger point is reached.

Devalued for 3 months... .

Discarded again.

That was my answer.

If i were... .

To let her back in... .

In would happen... .

Exactly the same way again.

And that would be my answer... .

Again.

BPD.

Hell on earth.

[dansure]

Although you weren't the one to end things with your ex -- I wasn't either -- at least they are ended. I don't think we will ever receive answers about what happened within them, their view of matters and what drove their behavior. I have had to accept that I will need to heal with different tools than I used for past failed relationships.

I was thinking today how I would like nothing more than to break NC and ask my ex to give me an hour of his time so I can ask him all my burning questions about what went through his head during our relationship and especially the breaukup. But I know I will never get that because he was never capable of giving me what I needed. He doesn't have it in him to do this even as a courtesy.

I also wanted some answers from her as well because I was wondering about the exact same things as you.

So I called her and it was a mistake. She said things like "the relationship with you was the worst year of my life" and that she didn't enjoy the time with me at the end anymore and of course it was all my fault.

And yes, the last time I saw her before we broke up she said I love you many times.

It doesn't make sense to get an explanation from them. Once you are painted black, everything you ever did was wrong and he/she doesn't remember the good times. No matter what they said shortly before the break up.

Their actions are more important than their words.

I was first very sad and upset that she didn't contact me at all and just disappeared from my life. But now I think exactly that shows me that she wasn't the right one for me, I don't want a gf that can cut me out of her life and thoughts in an instant. That's not real love in my opinion.