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Last night I was out my a friend when my phone went around 11. I noticed it was her number.

My mate had asked just 5 mins before what I would do if she text? I said delete her message without reading it.

However I looked at the message. She sent me a massive rant about me being on an online dating site. And the fact that I had put in my profile 'please no weirdos' lol

I broke no contact. She was expecting an argument, she loves that, but I acted nice and explained my position to her.

She continued to text me through the night and today says she wants to be my friend.

Im at the stage where I don't care anymore. I am at the stage where I can say I have moved on.

I would respond to nothing more.  All it does is give her the opportunity to engage.   

She seems concerned that I may have met someone

Now shes telling me shes met a new guy

can you see what is goin on here?

folie

wish them luck.

She's playing a game to bait you back into texting her.

She saying shes happy and settled.

I text her saying that's great, im happy for you.

So what is her intention here?

What is the difference between getting hit by an out of control razor scooter and a BPD mack truck? Keep moving forward. N.C...

Either physically dead or brain dead. :)

Truth, I rather get hit by a out of control razor scooter than a BPD mack truck.

Truth be told even further, I wish I never met the BPD person in my life. Ever. I rather have staid single my entire life rather than having been with her.

I can understand... .

Why you broke NC.

She baited you.

She got you to respond.

Any response... .

To a pwBPD in NC... .

Whether negative... .

Or positive... .

Is validation for them... .

And... .

A way... .

To get a foot in the gate... .

Of your NC wall.

Do not let them get that foot in the gate.

Manipulations will follow.

That is where... .

If your boundaries... .

Are not strong enough... .

Will leave you... .

Easily susceptible... .

To succumbing... .

To the successful re engagement... .

Which will only mean... .

Hurt for you... .

The non... .

At the end.

In bold.

That is the stalking behavior.

A pwBPD does not properly detach.

My exUBPDgf stalked me on Facebook... .

When I was just friends with her.

My exUBPDgf stalked me in NC period... .

After she left me first time.

Now in the NC period... .

After she left me the second time... .

Can we take a wild guess... .

Based on above mentioned behavior... .

If she is stalking me now... .?

Yes.

A part of the disorder.

Strike... .

Try and not reply... .

To any further... .

Inbound messages.

It is for your sanity.

It is for your well being.

NC is your barrier... .

To keep that person away from you.

I know it is not easy... .

By any stretch.

Hang in there buddy.

Validation. To know that you even think about her the 3 seconds that it required to respond. It's a game and a manipulation. When you are detached and not being pulled around by the heart strings, it can be a little bit funny. But if you are still emotionally caught up, it will hurt.


Same. It was much nicer not having been run through the emotional meat grinder of the soul. I don't look at people and situations in quite the same light. Sad to lose that. At the same time, will protect from running into PD's in the future as well.

It was much nicer not having been run through the emotional meat grinder of the soul. I don't look at people and situations in quite the same light. Sad to lose that. At the same time, will protect from running into PD's in the future as well.



Boy, both of these statements hit home.  I honestly wish I had never met my children's father and my last ex.  Both of these men really caused so much pain and destruction in my life.  I was single for 8 years after my baby daddy, knowing that I was attracted to toxic bad boys.  Then my uBPDexbf came along and mirrored me- I thought I was the luckiest woman alive to land such a wonderful man!  After what he did at the end of our relationship, I am no longer the same person.  I don't interact with my community the same, nor do I want to.  It's very sad. 

I have limited contact with my children's father, and my baby turns 18 soon.  At the end of this school year I will be done relating with baby-daddy, except for the rare occasions moving forward.  Maybe I won't have to see him before I'm a grandma... .I can only hope.  Then I can really be NC.

Battle that too. Next year I will push myself. Now? Take my time.

(http://www.simplereminders.com/data/thumbs/blog/thumbnail.simplereminders.com-beyond-your-fear-mcgill-withtext-displayres.jpg)

Unfortunately when you get into a relationships like these and then breakup trying to uncode the language and dynamic is maddening.  Getting drug into it can really set you back and it straight up can be painful.

Trying to detach and not take it personally takes some mindfulness and to exercise some skills.  If you look at motivations - both hers and yours.  Hers it looks like a proof scenario - she saw the weirdo part and your dating thing.  It's about proving to herself she isn't that person.  She'll prove it she's happy and with someone.  This doesn't have anything to do with you and it doesn't change your reality or prove anything. 

But you got looped into her ridiculous proof scenario here... .and its not something either of you are gonna be to prove.  She has her version and you have yours - you are entitled to yours BTW. 

These are circular arguments ... .And conflict is still attention as demented as it seems.

How can you extricate yourself from this?  And its good to look at our motivations - what do you hope to get out of engaging with her?

I told this to my ex BPD.

She went like; Boo-hiting-hoo... .stop pointing the finger at me? You don't feel the same anymore? That's not my problem. Stop drowning in self pity and do something with your life...

I told her often that she has no idea what she does to people.

However, my therapist agrees, I have changed, Harm isnt' Harm anymore. He feels I am not to blame for that.

that sounds awesome!  so, is there something standing in your way of sending one last text saying to her exactly what you said to us:  "Im at the stage where I don't care anymore. I am at the stage where I can say I have moved on."  and... then... move... on... ?

don't respond to any more texts, don't even read them, just delete; don't answer calls, don't listen to voicemails, just delete.  how does that sound to you?  do-able?

icu2

I did that last week. Im happy, time to move on etc.

After 7 days of NC she texts me, even after she said she had deleted my number and that she was gone forever.

Shes text me more in the last 24 hours than in the last 24 weeks of our relationship lol

Thanks everyone 

She told me about her new man in a way to get a response from me. I told her that was great news.

But she seems more interested in who I am seeing and talking to.

If shes happy and settled why is she texting me so much? lol

IMF 

Did you stay friends with your ex after the first breakup? Then get back with her later on?

Strike... .

In round 1... .

My exUBPDgf tried to whittle... .

The relationship down to friends/relationship... .

But... .

Would not come out and say it directly... .

She kept the lines blurry.

So i could not pin it on her later.

(Manipulation)

Silent treatment quickly followed.

Then another RAGE at discard.

She returned to me 3 months later.

Begging and crying... .

"I want my man back... ."

Im thinking that my situation might be heading in a similar direction

Resist it... .

With all of your might my friend.

She is stalking you.

A precursor... .

Of future re engagements.

Also gives the pwBPD... .

The perfect angle... .

From which... .

To come at you with.

Since i removed myself... .

From facebook/instagram... .

After second discard... .

She has no idea at all... .

Of what i am doing... .

And what not.

She knew based on my instagram(it was public)... .

That i had started... .

Moving on(healing)... .

When she started the intrusions... .

Which led to the direct text re engagement... .

Followed by... .

17 more texts from her... .

The next morning.

And then i caved.

Stay strong strike.

What do you think she was hoping for when she told me she was settled with a new guy?

Why the need to be 'best mates' with her?

To hurt you.

With maximum damage... .

On you.

So in case... .

It doesnt work out... .

With the new person... .

(You know it wont)... .

She can come back to you.

Also... .

As a way of staying connected to you... .

(I hate you, dont leave me)... .

Also... .

A pwBPD does not properly detach... .

From the non.

They dont grieve... .

The end of the relationship.

(Thus they never left it it to begin with)... .

Hence... .

The re engagements... .

When they keep returning.

Ultimately... .

All of that will only hurt the non... .

Us.

You.

Me.

So she wants to hurt me but also keep me there incase she wants me back?

Its truly bizarre isn't it lol

I know for a fact she wasn't expecting me to take it all so well.

She knew I was moving on. She knows I have moved on, well beyond ever wanting the nightmare back.

In bold.

Yes.

That is... .

"I hate you... .

Don't leave me... ."

The contradiction... .

From hell.

The contradiction... .

That has... .

Catastrophic consequences... .

On the person... .

Who gets closest to them... .

The non.

We do not operate like that.

Bizarre... .

Yes.

She wasn't expecting you... .

To take it so well... .

Because that means... .

You are not operating... .

According to the script... .

That  her disorder... .

Compels her... .

To operate on.

She will try and re engage you again... .

Do not let your guard down.

A slight shift... .

In the wall of NC... .

Is all that is needed... .

For a manipulation... .

To flow through.

Keep healing my friend.

Keep her away from you.

 

She would have expected me, like most of her exs, to freak out at the idea she's with another guy. She may or may not be with anyone.

If I had freaked out she would have got what she wanted, drama, an argument, another opportunity to rage and tell me I'm no good for her, possessive etc.

I told her something last night that used to always scare her. I told her I was going out with friends. She hated the idea I would meet someone else.

Today she's being all nice asking If I had a good night, if I met anyone lol

All of that... .

That you mention... .

Is validation... .

For her... .

Whether negative... .

Or positive.

Try and resist... .

Any further replies to her.

Her presence... .

To you... .

Will erode... .

You from underneath.

Almost like waves... .

Constantly... .

Eroding away... .

A wall... .

That is placed... .

In its way.

It is why I do not want... .

Any kind of exchange... .

With my exUBPDgf.

Her intrusions... .

Are overwhelming... .

To me.

Literally.

Swamps me.

My radio silence... .

Is my last defense.

And as you can see... .

She is searching... .

To get me to surface.

To destroy me... .

Ultimately.

It seems they don't like it when you appear to have moved on.

NC for me again  |iiii

Yes.

Because they don't properly detach... .

From us.

Their lack of grieving... .

At the end... .

Is evidence of that.

See how the non... .

Grieves at the end.

We are trying... .

To find closure... .

To a relationship... .

That has ended.

The pwBPD does not.

NC is for your well being.

To give you... .

That space... .

To heal.

Constant exposure... .

To them... .

Inhibits... .

That healing.

Thanks for your insight IMF  |iiii

She was hurt badly at seeing me on a dating site and used her friends account to contact me on it.

I never seen the message until the next day as I was out, but she couldn't hold back and also text me a long message of how I was a knob and must have been cheating on her.

I text her back nicely and within a few hours said she loved me as her best mate.

Welcome... .

Strike.

To give you an analogy... .

Of what... .

Her constant intrusions... .

Are going to do to you.

If you have seen the movie... .

Matrix Revolutions... .

The scene where the robot sentinels... .

Are digging to find the city of Zion... .

Is a visual I have of all of this.

City of Zion... .

Is you... .the non.

The machines(diggers, sentinels)... .

The pwBPD(your ex)... .

The walls of the city... .

The docking ring... .

(Is your wall of NC... .

Meant to keep you safe)... .

The diggers reach the wall of NC... .

(Your haven)... .

And one makes it through... .

(PwBPD sends a direct re engagement to you)... .

That breach... .

Allows a stream of sentinels... .

To come pouring through... .

(Manipulations)... .

The inner dock of the city... .

(You)... .

Defended by APU mech suits... .

(Your defense system)... .

Immediately... .

Trains their guns to resist the breach... .

But that very breach... .

By those diggers... .

Was all it took... .

For enough sentinels... .

To make it through... .

And wipe out... .

All of your defense APUs... .

That valiantly tried to keep them out.

The docking ring... .

Gets swarmed... .

And overwhelmed... .

Along with the APUs.

That is why... .

You cannot allow them... .

To breach... .

Your wall of NC.

You will get... .

Literally... .

Overloaded... .

At the end.

That was what it was like for me... .

In round 2.

I couldn't keep her out.

All of my APUs... .

Were firing nonstop... .

And... .

Ultimately... .

Were completely wiped out... .

As her sentinels... .

Poured through that breach... .

Of my wall.

Here is a clip of that scene.

www.youtu.be/5q5rsQJpGV0

Don't let her back in.

Its a great analogy.

I guess its where we all fall down, thinking a text here or there wont matter but by then its too late, she's got over the NC wall and is staring you in the face.

something strange to me, i can't really explain, but my xBPDgf seems to always come out of the woodwork when i am moving on... .when i've reached some new hallmark of healing... .when i've let go just a little more... . when i'm happier, etc etc... .  i know i'm not imagining it b/c my best friend has noticed it too, on many occasions.

the only social media i ever used was FB and i unfriended her/blocked her/and don't even give status updates there anymore anyways!  and as far as i know we don't share any mutual friends - but even if we did i do NOT talk to anybody about her, except my best friends and you guys here at BPDfam.  so how do they do it?  it's almost as if they have some radar, some psychic connection or knowing... .creeps me out at times.

icu2

My BPD ex claimed she was psychic and was able to know how I was feeling.

I too had no contact with her, but yet she knew I was moving on and was happy. Maybe the NC made her aware of that fact?

Now shes ramping up the contact with me

hmmm wow, there's another one:  mine told me the same thing!  she's psychic, she's an empath, she can feel people's feelings - tries to block them but they get through and overwhelm her, etc.  

i thought those were "out there" kinds of things.  until i researched!  astrology, for example, i looked up her astrology chart and it said, in many different resources, that she actually is all those things.  same thing when i played around with her name and numerology - also said the same things about her.  fascinating, but creeped me out some more.

now, your question about the NC tipping them off?  sure, NC gives someone a clear msg that you're moving on or at least trying to.  but still, that doesn't explain, for me in my case at least, the timing of her reaching out to me... .how it so often co-incides with more than just "NC" but more with how i'm actually feeling/adjusting "inside myself"... .  and how could she know that?   

I don't get it either but they do sense it-I think they have an internal clock that tells them "hey this NC has gone farther than my previous victims and probably means he is over me so let me try to reel him back in!"

My BPDx has a 2 month cycle with this feeling. She has reached out to her 2 past boyfriends 2 months after a "final" breakup.

well mine isn't on any schedule, hehe.  i'll give you an example.  i was NC for abt 5-6 months.  during that time, she tried over and over to reach me by phone, eventually i blocked her.  so i'm sitting with my best friend, after a couple months of her being blocked, and crying and saying , like "i can't believe she isn't trying harder to contact me!  if she really loved me she would WRITE after the CALLS were ignored"... .  i swear to god, 7-10 days later?  i got a 2 page handwritten love letter in the mail!  in that letter she said everything i could've wanted to hear.

so, see what i mean abt the timing?  nobody told her that i wanted her to write to me, i just THOUGHT abt it, and she DID it.   stuff like that... .when i say we were "connected", i mean seriously connected.  never had stuff like that happen with anyone else but with her, these... .well, what people generally call "coincidences", happened at an alarming rate.

at what point would any sane rational person stop calling them "coincidences" and start calling it something else?  shrug... .i've always leaned towards science/evidence/rationale/etc but it's hard to get this stuff/these "coincidences" out of my mind... .

They want their cake and eat it too - that's the audacity of them - they think they can ruin our lives, cause us maximum damage, and then suddenly we'll be having coffee with them as friends?  lol My ex implied that we could remain friends too - that is INSANITY, she rebounded after manipulating a breakup, that's mortal enemy material. We're six weeks no contact and counting.

same story. as she was announcing her infidelity and abandonment, mine finished with 'i hope we can be friends someday.' lunatic, cheap-minded stuff.

i'm 4 weeks no see and almost 3 weeks total NC. the rage is strong today. i'm really afraid for my stability sometimes.

Rage is okay for me it helps me get through the day.

I do feel that some of their craziness rubs off on us which is yet another reason to run away! I DO NOT want to be like her.

Just after idealization my ex tried to dial back our r/s to "just friends." I told him no. After all he said to me about wanting to combine our lives, marry, I was his one and only, whatever, I said I can't switch to friends mode. He complied and we were okay for a while. A few months later we were done. 

Done, as in for good?

Yes. We have not had any contact in three months. Break up was four months ago. Toward the end he started saying he wanted to take it slow. He didn't go back to the "just be friends" mindset, which was around mid-r/s, but he did try slowing things down again. That's when I noticed the detachment setting in. He mentally checked out.

Peas... .

Don't assume that he is done for good with you.

The pwBPD... .

Do return more times then not.

Regardless... .

If they say the words

":)one forever... ."

"Cycle stops here... ."

"I found someone else... ."

Remember... .

The pwBPD lives in transitory moments... .

From point A... .

To point B.

Not just in idealization... .

But in devaluation... .

And discard too.

Well it happened last night, what I had expected NC or no NC it was going to happen.

The drunk texts asking if I ever loved her, that she's lost everything, that everything she touches breaks etc.

I have always been opened minded about these things until I met her, now I have no doubt, its creepy.

She knows when to contact me and when not to.

so, strikeforce, what do you attribute it to?  how does she know when to and not to contact you?  what do you think this "connection" is?  it's like a superpower or something?  seriously, they are not your average bear, eh? 

this burning question, HOW does she know these things, thats what drove me to surf the web and it led me to Twin Flames.  and it's a fascinating concept.  and if it's true, it sure does explain a lot. 

and the really "freeing" thing about it, is these "experts" on twin flames, they say these r/s's are super hard and don't expect it to be easy or happily ever after, in fact don't even expect it to last, sometimes it's too much of a struggle for one or both.  the TF theory takes away the 'creep factor'.

so that would

A) explain it, for me in a way that makes more sense than just it reducing 'the love of my life' to that my broken child met another broken child and we had the perfect ___ storm (that leaves me feeling incredibly umm disappointed!)

B) leave me guilt-free and

C) allow me to come away feeling like i'm not a loser but, in fact, a winner and have learned a lot, and evolved.  i saw someone else something to that effect too, getting the greatest gift from their BPDx.  i think that's a lovely way to look at it.