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My exbf left me after 8 years. We have had several rounds of recycles but not in 4 years. My father died last year and I have been handling his estate. I just received the money from selling his house and we (my ex, my 12 year old daughter from a previous relationship) and I found a home to move into. Our first house. But it was causing problems between me and my ex. He wanted his name on the deed. Even though we weren't married. I felt like it wasn't stable enough between us to do that. So then he told me it was my house not ours. So he wasn't going to help me pack. He also was angry that I bought a new car but only spent a fraction on him for a new car.

As the moving day approached on Labor Day weekend, he said he would help me with what I needed. But he continued to blow me off throughout the weekend. He had many angry outbursts for the previous two weeks and he was becoming very abusive. Finally on the last day of the holiday weekend, I asked if he would help. He said after he finished fixing his coworkers computer. I snapped. I knew the other show was going to drop and I was petrified so remained numb and detached up until that point. But then I couldn't control myself. I was shocked he would commit to someone else on the weekend we were supposed to move. And as soon as I snapped that was all he needed. He was extremely physically abusive. He sat on top of me and smothered my face with his hands. He called me names and told me he didn't love me anymore. And he said he was leaving. He said he felt sorry for me but he couldn't be with me anymore. After 8 years.

So I moved with my daughter and my parents helped me. He left me with a huge burden. And he didn't contact me. I went NC with him too. Something I had never done. In the past I would be frantic about calling and texting. I would try everything to get him back. But this time I couldn't do that. I was dead inside. And then I started to wake up. And I cried and cried and cried. All the time. It was such intense grieving. But I know it was part of the process. And I accepted that.

Then 3 weeks ago, I got a phone call in the middle of the night. It was him. He said he had been watching a movie and he was so sorry for what he had done to me and he missed me and still loved me. I got sucked back in and agreed to see him the next day. For the next week we talked and hung out and had sex. We even went on a date and saw gravity opening night. I found out he was hanging out with coworkers a lot. Like all of a sudden he had this new social life. And I was holing up in my new house with my daughter crying my eyes out.

Then after about a week, he started blowing me off again. Stopped answering the phone. Finally told me after 3days of not talking to me that he just wanted me in his life casually. Still exclusive with each other but not living together. I said I didn't want that. So he told me this would be goodbye for good. After holding me in his arms while we made love and looking tenderly into my eyes less than a week before that, now he's done for good?

So 2 days ago I broke NC. I had to talk to him. I looked at his FB. And he ended up texting me back several hours after not answering my call to tell me we have no business together and I shouldn't call or text. He told me to move on. He said he had. When I asked if that meant he was with someone else he said yes. I asked him how after 2weeks he could do that and he didn't answer. When I asked him about the time we had just spent together and he said he still loved me, he replied that he had lied. I was devastated. Just like that, he threw me away.

Now he is on cloud nine in love while my heart is shredded to pieces and I'm still looking for the lost fragments of my soul. I don't get it. Did he really lie about loving me? Did he ever love me? He said he would never leave me. And is he going to do things right with this new person since he is starting fresh? I'm so sad.

I feel so empty. I don't believe in love anymore. I'm just a mess. And I still miss him even though I hate him. Someone please help.

Hi Supernova9star

Your ex sounds like mine, abusive and dangerous and cruel, yet I too, just like you, was addicted to him inspite of that.

I also got the 'perhaps you should move on then', and that he had moved on, (but I neglected to ask if he had moved on to someone else).

I kind of already knew in my heart/gut... and had ignored that very strong instinct for most of the time I was with him.

These guys are two different people, and it hurts like hell to think that they could say all that stuff so romantically, with such feeling, and then days/weeks/hours later, act like it meant nothing at all, but there are two parts to them, one might have meant that and then the other kicks in, and all that sentiment vanishes on the wind.

Such is their illness, heartbreakingly cruel... .

You must realise that whoever he has shacked up with now, will be getting exactly the same treatment within a very short time, and most likely has no idea that either you exist, or has been served with a very different picture than the truth. He will look her in they eyes and lie through his teeth too, eventually she will wake up, (hopefully very quickly and sooner than us!).

I hope my ex's new source of supply dumps his sorry ass, and I would love for her to find out very quickly just what she has got involved with. I know she will of course, and I almost hope she comes looking for me when that happens. I will gladly help her.

In the meantime, I am dealing with the fallout, the low self-esteem, the weight gain, (he often called me a fat C**T), and he was obsessed with youth, (his own and others) and blondes, oh and his ex's, he never stopped talking about the ones that got away... I will be the new ex on that list now... and I shudder to think what lies he has already told...

you are not alone in this Supernova, please do not disapair.

I am shuddering now, because a Private/Blocked number just called my cell, and thankfully I missed that call.

Supernova,

You may not want to read this but your ex just did you a tremendous favor.

I know your heart is bleeding and you are feeling the pain of abandonment but your ex is playing childish narcissistic games to punish you for not giving into his demands. After eight years together I'm pretty sure you've been experiencing this kind of demanding entitlement for some time as you've recycled with your ex.

I know you are probably feeling confused, dazed and lost but as you learn about narcissism and it's strain called BPD you'll better comprehend the toxic dance that takes two to tango.

When I didn't give in to my ex's demands he literally dumped me in the morning; for a girl he had sex with the night before. He dropped me like a half-eaten sandwich in the middle of the street and gave me his butt to kiss because I wouldn't give him $50 when he asked for it. Never mind the fact that we made love two night before that.

So he cheated. Twice.

I had had it up to my neck in being my ex's mother. The entitlement, the neediness and the expectations were becoming a huge source of resentment for me. And yet I held onto my ex even with the glaring lack of reciprocity coming from his end. And how did he repay me? By giving me the shaft.

Their actions are cruel but it is their sickness at work.

Supernova. Empower yourself. Learn all you can about BPD so you can make an informed choice on whether to go No contact.

Our ex's are mentally ill and need attention to feel validated. They need to mirror others to feel as they exist.

It does hurt to be discarded but this is your time to truly step back and evaluate the entire HISTORY of your relationship. Do you really want to be with this person for the rest of your life? Was your relationship really a good one or one you tolerated out of fear?

BTW. Our BPD's don't move on; they repress by painting us black. It is what their child minds do to survive. They are used to swallowing and repressing painful conflicting emotions by shutting that part of themselves down.

You are probably enmeshed in a toxic bond with your ex. It would help you a great deal to get some talk therapy for catharsis and assistance in understanding why you're in love with someone who cares so little about your feelings.

Keep posting on here and keep reading the stories of others... .

You are not alone in this.

Spell

Hi Supernova

a big, big hug. 

I would be sad and devasted too.

You are not alone with this here - so many members here are struggling with the fact how fast their partner are in a new rs. It is often part of the fear of abandonment, a quich replacement is needed.

Its okay to be sad, angry, all this. We are here for you.

Same here, supernova.  My soon to be ex BPD wife recycled me last spring.  Luckily, we did not end up in bed. But she did kiss me, tell me I was cute, told me she still loved me, she wanted to sit in my lap... .very intimate talk... .It was heroin to me.  Then, literally days later she lost interest. No warning, no explanation, just gone. She met a young biker at a bar. As far as I know she is still "honeymooning" with him.  

I don't know if BPD people willingly turn off the love like a faucet, or if it  just "happens" as per their disorder.  Perhaps it wasn't love at all. I am less hurt if it is truly out of their control.  As a chaplain in a home for retired and ill veterans I see a lot of schizophrenia and other illnesses.  I feel compassion for them, not anger.  They can't help the mental oddities they display.  If that is the case with my ex, then   I can move forward and not take the rejection quite as personal.

Fiddle

Perhaps their moving on is only the symptom of a very disordered mind.  It still

Oops, that last post got cut off... .


  I know it is difficult, but seeing their ghastly behavior as the effects of a crippling mental disorder can make it a tad easier to overcome the anger, resentment and grief.  Perhaps, when I heal some more, I will feel compassion for my ex.  I hope.

Fiddlestix

The short answer is:

1.) They are sick, so they "move on".

2.)  They don't actually move on.  They are just so hurt and impulsive they do whatever it takes to soothe themselves in the moment.

Read.  Read.  And Read more here and elsewhere until you begin to let it sink in.

It's taken me months of reading and im still not out of denial fully, but trust your gut.

And lean on your family here.

In my mind, logically I can understand that my ex wife has to move on quickly for her own sense of survival. My emotional self is torn apart by this fact, left crushed and wondering if I even mattered to her and or if she even even looks back on what we had. I do better if I stay in the logical part of my mind on this one it is less painful and easier to detach. I am so sorry you are going through this too, but like someone else said so many of us are and so many of us understand.

Mine has already moved on too, or so she says, I doubt she really has the time for a R/S

But yet she wont stop contacting me, despite the fact she told me to delete her number a week ago

I'm sorry you're hurting Super.

I was reminded of something as I read your post: a BPD, lacking the ability to self-soothe, will do something impulsive in an attempt to deal with an emotion.  That something creates it's own shame, so they do something else impulsive, and on and on.  It snowballs, increasing the chaos between their ears.  My relationship was short compared to many, and I couldn't imagine spending 8 years with mine, my head would explode.  I'm wondering if there were periods of relative calm and stability in your time with him, there was very little in mine, short lived, and she was never faithful to me, even though she thought I thought so.  Things will get much better for you as you walk through a detachment, and things will never get better for him; the current fantasy is just that, and unsustainable.

It is because they can't stand to be alone. Their irrational need to have someone fill them up causes them to act impulsively. Many us feel so discarded and question if they really cared. They have a hole in their heart. They are so insecure. They can only get their self-validation from someone else. Not within themselves.

They appear... .

To move on.

That appearance... .

Is for the enablers... .

To reward their god awful behavior... .

And... .

To hurt you.

And... .

If they are of the type... .

Of pwBPD... .

That has returned to the non... .

Before... .

The disorder... .

Will drive them... .

To keep returning... .

So that you... .

Can sooth them.

They have to portray this... .

Appearance... .

Because if they do not... .

Everyone else(the enablers)... .

Will see them... .

For how they really are... .

And... .

Will not stick around... .

Literally.

They will not be as understanding... .

As us.

Hang in there Supernova.

I am sorry you are experiencing this.

I know it hurts.

Very interesting observation. During our last breakup of 4 weeks my BPD would text me like clockwork once a week and I remained NC - but when I met up with her best friend who is also my best friend, and told the best friend that she had been texting me during the breakup the best friend had absolutely no idea (and I believe it).  She said "wow I never knew."

So they do not want the enablers to know how they act - they know they are manipulative and do not want their covers blown.

In bold.

Exactly Hope.

How many of those supposed friends... .

Would remain friends with... .

The pwBPD... .

If they knew... .

If they really knew....

How they treated... .

The very people... .

That did nothing to them... .

To elicit... .

Anything remotely close... .

To the rain of fire... .

And hell in earth... .

That we endured... .

As a direct consequence... .?

They would be horrified... .

And immediately think... .

If that person... .

Can act in such a way... .

To the very person... .

Who got that close to them... .

In such a horrific manner... .

Imagine i got that close... .

To that person... .

That could very well... .

Be me... .

And they would jettison themselves... .

Of the pwBPD.

The pwBPD knows this.

An awareness... .

That is needed... .

To further propel... .

The dysfunctional behavior.

Your exs best friend... .

Not knowing of this... .

Is a direct reference... .

To what i described above.

Horrifying... .

Sad... .

And... .

Destructive to us... .

And only... .

Us.

Hi supernova,

I'm so sorry for your pain. I know how dark and lonely those times can be. Been there and am back again. It can feel like your in a hole and can't get out.

To answer your question directly. I believe they are able to move on so quickly because their emotions are not deep. They are superficial. They just can't be deep. They can pretend deep but they don't feel it the same way we do. My ex used to always make the comment when I was talking about something deep. Let's just keep it surfacey. Hmm. Our emotions were deep so of course it will take us much longer to recover. It hurts to see them off like nothing ever happened while we are left in the dust crying but theirs is a temporary high. It will come crashing down again so we shouldn't envy them.

If you can try and be grateful you are a healthy enough person to have these emotions as painful as they are. I will work on taking my own advice as this is hard for me too.

I think we all know people like this are not worth it but we are human and we loved someone and we believed they loved us back. They are very good at deception. They show us what they want us to see until we are hooked then it's so hard to detach. If he didn't do it for me I don't think I could on my own and I consider myself a very strong person. Mine was a master manipulator. It is an evil disease. Dont blame yourself. It's not you. And I believe thinking it is keeps us stuck.

You don't deserve what he did to you. Stealing someone's heart and soul is one of the worst things someone can do to a person. I think because it's become so common place today for people to do these things and be selfish there is almost no stigma attached to it in society and it makes it easier for people to get away with it and there is not the right amount of sympathy to help us heal. Even nons do this.

I am just 3mo out of my 2nd major discard. 1st time he was with someone a few days later. This second time I just find out he had been cheating on me for much of our relationship with a coworker and now they are together. I am still numb. I haven't even processed it all yet.

These have been the primary questions since I've detached:  why was I having such a deep emotional experience by myself?  Why was I thinking this person was on the same page I was when we weren't even in the same book?  What did I think I was in love with?  How detached from the reality of the situation was I?  Why did I think if I just kept pushing and kept loving that I could 'fix' everything?

Pondering these things, soberly and in the absence of input from the Disordered, has been a profound opportunity for growth, and continues to be.  My current teacher showed up in beautiful packaging with a disordered mind.

Supernova,

Totally understand how you feel and how difficult it must be for you to cope with all the hurt and pain.8 years is a long time and things ending suddenly like a switch being turned off sure bust be hard to fathom and live with.

You need to understand

-BPD is an emotional regulation and attachment disorder and rationalizing his behavior will ruin you but you will not be able to make sense of it so please stop that ASAP.Accept the fact that he is disordered and that is all there is to it.

-The relationship was abusive and looks like you were the giver,all along.He overstepped your boundaries by physically assaulting you.Abuse of any form(even though it is due to a person being disordered) must never be tolerated.

-It would never have been a whole and loving relationship even if he stayed.There would have been times when he would make you feel special only to top it up with abusive irrational behavior which would cause you great emotional pain.

-Even if he is seeing someone new(as he claims), the relationship will meet the same fate and he will leave yet another heartbroken confused lady behind.You are much better now because you are not a victim anymore.By discarding you he has given you the ability to cease control of your life and maneuver it in a direction you choose.Re-finding your self esteem and learning to respect your beautiful self yet again can be a good starting point.

To end this post,I'd like to share with you a few lines from my mentor which helped me heal from the BPD aftermath.

"There are two types of love-the one that heals and the one that sickens.You need to tell the difference between the two and promote the good one".

Good luck with healing.

My current teacher showed up in beautiful packaging with a disordered mind.

I have used a similar analogy many times about my ex. I would say he was like a beautiful house that was built on sand. (I think something similar is from the bible about relationships)

Not to change topics but just to digress for a second. I hear many many people here talk about how above average good looking they are and the looks are part of the hook. Mine had women always coming after him and he is 50. Couple that with fake charm and he has a lot of opportunities. Even though I am not a superficial person I have to admit I couldn't help but be attracted to that combined with his idealization of me. I just wonder how much looks played a part in forming the disorder. Maybe that's more the narcissistic part of the disorder. Plenty of normal good looking people too though.

Iwalk-Heruns,

My ex said that same thing. He would say let's change the subject whenever our conversation went deep. And sometimes he said our conversation was going to make him cry, and then he would promptly change the subject. It was weird because often, he was the one who initiated the conversations.

I've been learning about BPD for a few years now because he wasn't the first one I've known. And I see the patterns. What I don't know still is if they dislike deeper talks because they can't relate to what you're saying, or is it because its too painful. Maybe a little of both.

Supernova,

I know the words that everyone has written here are probably not sinking in just yet. I've been there in that despair. Believe the words- as everyone says, it does get better. Keep reading, keep learning, and eventually you will be able to focus on yourself instead because you'll realize he is who he is and will always be. Patterns remain until or unless the individual truly seeks change, and that means many years of serious work in therapy. Whenever I miss him and forget what I've learned and who he really is, I come here to remind myself.

Daisy

Supernova,

All the post here are so correct. There is not much to fill in... .

Keep on reading.

Mourn, do what you need, swift focus from your ex to you.

And somewhere in this whirlwind of feelings understand that you are happy that he swifted focus from you... .

You know how it will end.

You have seen it.

You would not want your worst enemy to go thru that.

I am not out of that whirlwind, I am all newly broken.

I know how you feel. You are not alone. 

Bingo.  Deep emotional conversations require two autonomous selves, and a BPD doesn't have one.  The seduction was all choreographed fantasy, gleaned from what has worked before, but it's all a charade, digging deeper would expose it, and then you will leave, which is their worst fear.  Better to keep it light and meaningless, whatever it takes to keep you my dear, since I literally don't exist without you.

Rollercoaster,

Mine would call me the c word when he was angry. Which I told him and he knew I hated. He of course would apologize but I think it's just indicative of how they perceive woman and the reason they can move on so quickly. They just don't value women or what they have.

Oh the I like blondes is a sore spot for me and always was in the relationship. On our 3rd date the topic came up somehow innocently and he said that all men prefer blondes. I said not all men some men prefer brunettes. It's like saying everyone likes red. He said anyone that tells you they like a brunette over a blonde is lying to you. I'm like helloo I am a brunette! Thinking aren't you at the stage of trying to impress me?  I was insulted. I said what if I said all women like white collar over blue collar guys as he is an electrician. He seemed to get that but it was obvious he preferred blondes. Things got a little touchy for a bit.  I dismissed this because I thought well he can't be that serious and he otherwise seems so interested in me. Should have been a major red flag  red-flagto me and the last date. He lived in my building though so there were more opportunities to see each other. He mentioned the blonde thing several times in our relationship. Even though he would tell me that I was beautiful I never quite felt like I was good enough or I was the ultimate for him. I In turn became very sensitive to pretty blondes in his presence and even in movies. Which I was always very secure before. No man should ever compare you to other women if he cares about you. Just another example of the not very deep nature of their personality and their ability to move on.

I am so grateful to this forum.

At least I am not alone... .although its tragic to see how many has been living thru so hurtful situations.

The B or C word, I can not count how many times he said to me?

Even in front of the kids.

Normally he repeated things, a joke, a verbal abuse, a hang-up he had on me, some situation way back when he had noticed something that revealed my bad personality.

Have you others experienced that? The repetitions? And I explain ones, twice, three times - than at the 25th time like: helloo did you not hear? And then the 100th time: "hear we go again", which is the one phrase that blows a BPD up I have noticed... .

I am as far from porn as anyone can be.

My ex was obsessed by it and the girls in it. He thought it was real somehow.

Meanwhile "loving me for who I am".

Just to soon "hate me for who I am"

Now he is together with an escort. 1,5 week after our final separation where he was going away, back home to heal.

Promising to our son to come back, even be here this week I realise, today... .

She first sold sex to him, and then they become a couple... .

So he moved on, even to another country. The 4th in a short notice and cause of women as far as I know.

I was the one standing up the longest. And probably awoke some health in him, because he started to be aware.

I don't know if that is good or bad. For sure co-dependent.

I guess this time its all so crazy so not even me can protect him or stand behind him.

Good in a sense.

I had once written my ex quite a few love poems(in my hand,on special paper)  how happy I am to have him about how deeply i feel about him

His initial reaction was,write these on a letterhead and then maybe I will read them.Co-dependent and boundary less that i was,I actually wrote them on a letterhead and he said ':)on't ever write emotional stuff.You know I don't like to get emotional,don't you?'.Despite saying this he spent an entire day with me and insisted on focusing on the superficial aspect of things like food and the movie we watched as against anything related to feelings.

He vacillated between clinging to me, seeking assurance that I would not leave him and saying 'I will go abroad forever(was his code for for 'I will leave' on that day we spent together.

We had come very close and he could not take it.Shut down thereafter for 3 months which drove me nuts.

So yes,anything emotional triggers them and they prefer to keep strong feelings at bay lest the mask of normalcy they wear slip off(it does anyway,but they sure try)

Sawtooth,

WOW! I completely belly laughed at this. I am obviously not laughing at your pain but the absurdly of the things they can say to us. I mean many people would kill for someone to love them that much to put it into words like that. The letterhead thing is classic.

My ex actually majorly raged at me once for crying at Cinderella man. He later told me it's because his mother would drink badly and go from happy to sad. He hated crying. Unless of course they were his tears.

The absurdity sure is  lolable I walk :).If we were to journal them,it would become a life-long laugh riot .

Jokes apart, thank you for acknowledging the depth of my love,glad someone understands.

Thank you Ironman. I know he is choosing some very young and naive people to surround himself with because they will buy into his illusions. What I don't understand is why he would want to shut out the one person who has stood by him all these years and loved him even while seeing his real self. And I don't get why he would want to hurt me. I'm not a bad person. Te hardest time is at night when my daughter is in bed and I alone. He isn't here to talk to and I miss the companionship. It also hurts to know he could be holding his new girlfriend "victim" the same way he held me while I am sitting here in tears every night dealing with the pain.

I know I ignored my instincts as well. But he also helped me to second guess myself. He always called me paranoid. In fact, he tried telling me I had an anxiety disorder. There were also many times he fought with me just because I had a bad gut feeling about him. He would turn it around and convince me that I was delusional.

He would say the prettiest things sometimes. I felt like I was the most loved person in the world. But then his actions would contradict it all. The abuse and the lies made me question his feelings for me which drove me insane and made me resentful towards him. I was certain I was being blindsided. But the denial was so intense and his charm was like a drug. I didn't want to believe that it was all fake.

Now to see how easily he can turn away from his life with me and move on it makes it clear he wasn't ever really there. But I was. And I was trying to make it work. I was giving it my all. It just feels so unfair.

hopealways ... .

Yes, it is their fear of being "found out."

It is a bit of a mind xxxk some times. They do things that they feel shameful about. Because their actions are so impulsive driven by this neediness. Then they either rearrange the facts or blame it on someone else.

I never felt such pain to the core of my being when we broke up. So I can't even imagine how you feel ... .8 years is a really long time. My heart goes out to you. It really does.

Try to stay strong. The no contact is SO important.

Triangles will form and they will lash out. Someone will ask about you, in a nice way, and they will some how contort that and pick a fight with you.

They will also create triangles by "wanting to be friends." But the rebound person will find out they are staying in contact with you. And the BPD will twist it all around. And then you have two people spewing bile at you.

Focus on healing ... .

hi supernova. there are many great posts on this thread. i'm chiming in to add another 'stay strong' voice.


i'm in the same position. my wife is in a new thing that she likes, she says, and i have nothing. i've had little sleep, must remind myself that this is really happening, and thought of them as gods for their amorality and audacity and myself as a shrimp for being so easily ignored. it's so painful and incomprehensible.


because as a BPD he could not appreciate your constancy, and may not share your idea of what his real self is.

Hi Supernova,

My BPDexh of almost 10 years did the same. After a lot of back and forth trying to salvage our r/s, just as I believed we were about to reunite - boom! It was about 2 weeks since we'd spent his birthday together, and I actually was feeling pretty optimistic (of course, since then I've come to realise that optimism was pointless). It was right at the point where he knew he had me in his hands all over again, when it could do the most damage.

A couple of months on and being NC, yes, it still hurts that he could throw our marriage away and move on, but as others have said, I do see that it's not real. He's just creating an illusion of happiness to self-soothe and I know him - it won't last too long.

Being NC has given me the clarity to take off the rose tinted glasses and see that it could never have worked, when only one of us was actually trying. I have the clarity to see all the mean and nasty things and how he manipulated me, and, on reflection, how he probably lied and cheated on more than one occasion.

And it's given me the time to think about me - what led me to choose him, all the red flags I chose not to see, how I allowed myself and my self esteem to tolerate and accept the nastier sides of his character and behaviours.

It may take us more time to move on, but I'm sure we will be going forward with far greater resolution and self awareness to make better choices for the future.

Hang in there.  

This and some other things said reminded me of the tortoise and the hare. Slow and steady wins the race. That's our answer!

They just run out and find the first thing that comes along. In my experience they are not that choosy many times in moving on. They just need someone to fill the void and give them validation. New validation is more exciting than old validation.

I have read somewhere and experienced too that we would be shocked who they leave us for. We glamorize them to be somebody so much better than us and many times that is not the case. When I saw the kind of person my ex left me for the first time I was shocked. Not just looks but the kind of person too. I feel like he definitely traded down. And of course that blew up in 10 months. I also realized at least with mine is they also move very quickly and pick anyone because they know full well they aren't in it for the long haul. It's just a temporary fix.

A healthy person is much more picky because we are looking for something of substance so we leave time to find that. We also know we need to heal and be healthy to be in a relationship.

My ex as long as I have known of him and heard his past has never had a minute alone without a relationship. I think that is very insecure and needy.

My ex uBPDgf called the police on me when I suggested she had BPD and I would help her with therapy. SHE ASKED THE POLICE TO TELL ME NOT TO CONTACT ANY OF HER FRIENDS OR HER. She was only concerned that I would tell her friends she had BPD. A woman who never raised her voice at me in 3 years contacts the police. Freak!  I an so glad I am healing myself from the Devil. I can move on and live a happy life while she continues to live vainly in denial. I WIN!

Supernova... I hope you don't mind if I spam "Magick"'s past post here as well.  Your current topics were different, but somewhat related and perhaps that post belongs in both places as it might place perspective to both questions you had. Yet may help us with differing driving questions.

Here goes... .for the 'moving on quickly' befuddled ones of us...

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Quote:

Second. I noted in my opening screed my BPD mate's starting a serious relationship within days after our breakup. Indeed, she tried to start another 18 months ago when we were going through a rocky time. ----

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Magick's response:

Feeling I know enough I could probably write a book on the topic, I'll admit that while I understand the psychology behind this behavior, it's still one of the most difficult parts for any SO to deal with because that behavior naturally causes us to question the validity of any love/affection in the relationship they had with us.

Prior to dating, a friend of mine asked my now exBPD why she always needed to be dating someone and she replied that she didn't know why she did it, but she felt she had to do it. While we were together, she'd often tell me that she had difficulties being alone; just in general. She didn't like being in the house alone - or single. And no different than many other people, mine was with a different guy just days after we split.

As Clearmind said, someone suffering with BPD typically feels an emptiness inside; literally like they are hollow with this void inside of them. Relationships appear to help temporarily distract them from feeling this because they can adopt an identity based on their partner and gain a false sense of purpose due to the relationship.

The common breakup is either:

1. The person with BPD becomes dysregulated, abandonment fears are triggered and they end the current relationship - either outright or via self-sabotage (either way, it's because they believe their partner will leave them so they act first).

2. The SO of someone with BPD recognizes the dysfunction within the relationship and they end it. (but often #1 happens because the pwBPD already predicted this moment well before the relationship started).

My own research into the topic has suggested that if someone with BPD is abandoned first, they appear less likely to instantly begin a new relationship and will often try to win the partner back for a period of time first. If they do the abandoning, data suggests they are much more likely to form a new relationship in a very quick period (often having a new potential partner picked out before they actually end things with the former).

That seems incredibly cold to anyone with a healthier concept of love and there are other disorders where this same behavior is indeed cold, done by people with no capacity for empathy, who also used the person as a supply and nothing more. That's typically not the case with BPD.

If they are splitting their former partner to an evil person, then yes, it's possible some of their actions serve as a maladaptive coping mechanism and also a way to communicate pain by being hurtful or punishing towards that former partner.

But really, that relationship hopping behavior serves two purposes:

1. It prevents them from having to deal/cope with the emotions from whatever occurred in the previous relationship (they are hurting, they lost someone they did love - even if that form of love isn't the mature form an SO would expect) and

2. It provides a new source of attention/affection (because after a breakup, someone who constantly feels unlovable is certainly looking for someone to make them feel loveable - even if it's temporary).

If that replacement relationship ends or begins to have problems, depending on the pwBPD's current view of a former partner they may have reflected on what occurred and may contact that former partner in preparation to once again bounce out of their current relationship and into a new one (which would be back to a former partner).

Of course, this is an endless cycle because all of it is done to avoid dealing with the emotions that they need to be address rather than hide or run from. But that cannot happen without them being taught more effective methods to cope with those emotions and great effort on their part to take control of their reactions to those difficult emotions.

I hope that explanation helps you.

thanks for posting that crazytrain.

It helped me too, so thanks

Thanks for that "spam"  lol

It was spot on and helpful to see the exact pattern of my pwBPDexbf, from someone detached. Thanks!

|iiii

These have been the primary questions since I've detached:  why was I having such a deep emotional experience by myself?  Why was I thinking this person was on the same page I was when we weren't even in the same book?  What did I think I was in love with?  How detached from the reality of the situation was I?  Why did I think if I just kept pushing and kept loving that I could 'fix' everything?

Pondering these things, soberly and in the absence of input from the Disordered, has been a profound opportunity for growth, and continues to be.  My current teacher showed up in beautiful packaging with a disordered mind.[/quote]

I have come to the conclusion these people need to come with a disclaimer, because I wish someone had warned me four years before all this happened, because now I need therapy to deal with borderline stockholm syndrome at leaving him. 

Mine lied to my face, but I paid the phone bill and new he was texting a bunch of girls.  I also knew his passcode to his phone, because he thinks I am an idiot and couldn't figure it out.  The day before I took him to the airport I took pictures of his text messages (he was playing off two roommates and neither knew he was talking sexually to the other).  I hadn't decided how I was going to handle it, because I didn't want to be a psycho ex gf and go after the new gf, but at the same time I wished someone had warned me... .would I have listened was a whole other question.  So after talking to A LOT of my guy friends they told me to warn these girls.  So I downloaded an anonymous texting app and I sent them a warning.  They confirmed he was trying to use them for a place to live and they talked to each other about his messaging them both.  They said they were going to stop talking to him and they thanked me for the warning.  I never told them who I was.

I feel I did the right thing.

They may "move on" but they are just trying to survive and manipulate.  I strongly wonder if they are capable of love at all, but that they want the affection and the idea of love.

I have come to the conclusion these people need to come with a disclaimer.  Funny.  Back in the day it would have been a scarlet letter.

Yes, a borderline is just trying to survive, just like all of us, but a borderline is doing it with a serious mental illness, which at the least puts them in a different reality from most, and interacting with that different reality causes massive pain for all involved.

Cool that you busted him to those girls, seems like something you needed to do.  Time to start detaching and focusing on you?

My statements might seem cold and uncompassionate, but my compassion for BPD or mental illness right now is non-existent, because I need to me angry at my ex I need to know that how he treated me was not right.  I cannot be understanding or kind.  I need that distance.  I think our compassion and sweetness is what gets us trapped in these situations.

Yes, I can relate, I spent a long time hating her and being extremely angry at everything in general; it's a process and you're right where you need to be, and how he treated you was not right. 

Learning about the clinical side of the disorder really helped me depersonalize it, and with time I realized she's a sick person not a bad one.  It can be good to have faith that it will get a lot better as you detach, and you'll know you're getting there when you can find some compassion for him.  Stay strong, stay here, and keep sharing.

Our disordered partners never intended to stay with us for life. When we were selected it wasn't based on healthy practices. We were selected because of what we had to offer. We were figured in to a survival plan. When nothing was left to offer or a bigger better deal came along the relationship was over. When whatever the relationship was primarily based on was gone so was the relationship. We can't know what another person is thinking. We can watch their behavior to see if it matches their words. They had planned on moving on from the beginning. 

My borderline, and from what I've read it's pretty universal, was terrified of abandonment, a reliving of the abandonment trauma a borderline never successfully traversed as a tot, so it keeps showing up in their adult relationships.  Abandonment is humiliating, a borderline expects it and has anticipated it from before the relationship started, and after a few relationships they get ready to bail as soon as they see hints of the fantasy eroding; better to leave than get left.

Your words moved me to the core

That explains so much to me and questions I have been asking.

Thank you

Dearest supernova,that was very hard to read,im sitting in the local library trying my hardest not to cry,I understand how very hard it is for you at this moment because ive been there too.Its ok to cry, its ok,there will be many tears,questions about why, feeling like you want to give up,you feel destroyed, numb desolate, its ok hun, many of us here know your pain... .

I too left my BPD ex 2 wks ago, 8 years of violence,emotional blackmail,fear,questions about if he really loved me, how could he hurt me?

My ex also said he loved me, wanted to work things out,said he didnt want anybody else,but in my heart i knew it wasnt true,we had broken up recycled many times, hed cheated alot, i found his profile on various dating sites,In the past I just put on my rose coloured glasses, believed his promises, and the cycle continued

I was looking for advice on domestic violence one day when I came across BPD.It scared the crap outta me, everything just seamed to fit,I observed his behaviour, moods, lies,actions,words,it changed someting in me forever, after I knew about BPD, there was just no turning back.

It was a blessing because Id finally found out why he behaved the way he did,but also a curse because I knew there was no hope for the relationship,I had basically taught him to treat me badly, let him know that whatever he did to me Id always come crawling back,hitting me, screaming at me, kicking our dog to get at me, kidnapping me, taking my shoes and leaving out in the middle of no where to walk home...

Extreme acts, and I let him do it.

I Suppose what Im trying to say is,he had no conscience,it didnt matter what I said or how much pain I was in, he never saw or felt it, nothing ever touched him, including my love,he was good at saying the things I wanted to hear, and that was about it, it all became one long repeat, same words, same promises verbatim.

So when 2 wks or so ago when I told him I was done, and he said he loved me, I knew it wasnt true, he harrased me daily, my phone, my daughters phone, got his sister to call my home phone saying the dog was bleeding,113, missed calls on my cell in 1 day! I blocked fb, he made 2 new aliases,it went on and on, one day he turned up to where I was studing, said that he was going to " shame" me, he threw a large rock on my classmates car, accusesd me of fcking all of them, that was my last straw...

I got a protection order that day, ya know whats so sad about that? I did it cause he threw the rock on my friends car, I couldnt even do it for myself.

All I can say to you my dear supernova, is it worth it? I have learned through this process is, it was as much about my own self worth my own childhood wounds as it was about him and BPD.I said before finding out was a blessing and a curse, Its probly hard to see any blessing at all right now but bear with me, if I hadnt had been with him, I would have been doomed to repeat those same mistakes in any future relationships, thats pretty scary, It is however the HARDEST thing Ive ever done to detach from this r/ s, I wake everyday thinking of him, he too is already livin it up with his new girl, while I walk around like a numb zombie, trying to be a good mum, trying to build my confidence, trying to find myself... .

All I can say is learn, about BPD, about you,I have gained a sort of strength in knowledge,joining the dots slowly,trying not to give in to the darkness...

Cause I want to be ready, for the day, when he tries to recycle me, to say those lines again the ones that wrench my heart, I want to be able to push delete and not give a damn about it

Find youself supernova, be your own hero.