My ex has a new GF already? How can they move on so quickly?

[Century2012]

hopealways ... .

Yes, it is their fear of being "found out."

It is a bit of a mind xxxk some times. They do things that they feel shameful about. Because their actions are so impulsive driven by this neediness. Then they either rearrange the facts or blame it on someone else.

I never felt such pain to the core of my being when we broke up. So I can't even imagine how you feel ... .8 years is a really long time. My heart goes out to you. It really does.

Try to stay strong. The no contact is SO important.

Triangles will form and they will lash out. Someone will ask about you, in a nice way, and they will some how contort that and pick a fight with you.

They will also create triangles by "wanting to be friends." But the rebound person will find out they are staying in contact with you. And the BPD will twist it all around. And then you have two people spewing bile at you.

Focus on healing ... .

[maxen]

hi supernova. there are many great posts on this thread. i'm chiming in to add another 'stay strong' voice.

Now he is on cloud nine in love while my heart is shredded to pieces and I'm still looking for the lost fragments of my soul. I don't get it.

i'm in the same position. my wife is in a new thing that she likes, she says, and i have nothing. i've had little sleep, must remind myself that this is really happening, and thought of them as gods for their amorality and audacity and myself as a shrimp for being so easily ignored. it's so painful and incomprehensible.

What I don't understand is why he would want to shut out the one person who has stood by him all these years and loved him even while seeing his real self.

because as a BPD he could not appreciate your constancy, and may not share your idea of what his real self is.

[Jbt857]

Hi Supernova,

My BPDexh of almost 10 years did the same. After a lot of back and forth trying to salvage our r/s, just as I believed we were about to reunite - boom! It was about 2 weeks since we'd spent his birthday together, and I actually was feeling pretty optimistic (of course, since then I've come to realise that optimism was pointless). It was right at the point where he knew he had me in his hands all over again, when it could do the most damage.

A couple of months on and being NC, yes, it still hurts that he could throw our marriage away and move on, but as others have said, I do see that it's not real. He's just creating an illusion of happiness to self-soothe and I know him - it won't last too long.

Being NC has given me the clarity to take off the rose tinted glasses and see that it could never have worked, when only one of us was actually trying. I have the clarity to see all the mean and nasty things and how he manipulated me, and, on reflection, how he probably lied and cheated on more than one occasion.

And it's given me the time to think about me - what led me to choose him, all the red flags I chose not to see, how I allowed myself and my self esteem to tolerate and accept the nastier sides of his character and behaviours.

It may take us more time to move on, but I'm sure we will be going forward with far greater resolution and self awareness to make better choices for the future.

Hang in there.  

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Hi Supernova,

My BPDexh of almost 10 years did the same. After a lot of back and forth trying to salvage our r/s, just as I believed we were about to reunite - boom! It was about 2 weeks since we'd spent his birthday together, and I actually was feeling pretty optimistic (of course, since then I've come to realise that optimism was pointless). It was right at the point where he knew he had me in his hands all over again, when it could do the most damage.

A couple of months on and being NC, yes, it still hurts that he could throw our marriage away and move on, but as others have said, I do see that it's not real. He's just creating an illusion of happiness to self-soothe and I know him - it won't last too long.

Being NC has given me the clarity to take off the rose tinted glasses and see that it could never have worked, when only one of us was actually trying. I have the clarity to see all the mean and nasty things and how he manipulated me, and, on reflection, how he probably lied and cheated on more than one occasion.

And it's given me the time to think about me - what led me to choose him, all the red flags I chose not to see, how I allowed myself and my self esteem to tolerate and accept the nastier sides of his character and behaviours.

It may take us more time to move on, but I'm sure we will be going forward with far greater resolution and self awareness to make better choices for the future.

Hang in there.  

This and some other things said reminded me of the tortoise and the hare. Slow and steady wins the race. That's our answer!

They just run out and find the first thing that comes along. In my experience they are not that choosy many times in moving on. They just need someone to fill the void and give them validation. New validation is more exciting than old validation.

I have read somewhere and experienced too that we would be shocked who they leave us for. We glamorize them to be somebody so much better than us and many times that is not the case. When I saw the kind of person my ex left me for the first time I was shocked. Not just looks but the kind of person too. I feel like he definitely traded down. And of course that blew up in 10 months. I also realized at least with mine is they also move very quickly and pick anyone because they know full well they aren't in it for the long haul. It's just a temporary fix.

A healthy person is much more picky because we are looking for something of substance so we leave time to find that. We also know we need to heal and be healthy to be in a relationship.

My ex as long as I have known of him and heard his past has never had a minute alone without a relationship. I think that is very insecure and needy.

[Waifed]

They appear... .

To move on.

That appearance... .

Is for the enablers... .

To reward their god awful behavior... .

And... .

To hurt you.

And... .

If they are of the type... .

Of pwBPD... .

That has returned to the non... .

Before... .

The disorder... .

Will drive them... .

To keep returning... .

So that you... .

Can sooth them.

They have to portray this... .

Appearance... .

Because if they do not... .

Everyone else(the enablers)... .

Will see them... .

For how they really are... .

And... .

Will not stick around... .

Literally.

They will not be as understanding... .

As us.

Hang in there Supernova.

I am sorry you are experiencing this.

I know it hurts.

Very interesting observation. During our last breakup of 4 weeks my BPD would text me like clockwork once a week and I remained NC - but when I met up with her best friend who is also my best friend, and told the best friend that she had been texting me during the breakup the best friend had absolutely no idea (and I believe it).  She said "wow I never knew."

So they do not want the enablers to know how they act - they know they are manipulative and do not want their covers blown.

My ex uBPDgf called the police on me when I suggested she had BPD and I would help her with therapy. SHE ASKED THE POLICE TO TELL ME NOT TO CONTACT ANY OF HER FRIENDS OR HER. She was only concerned that I would tell her friends she had BPD. A woman who never raised her voice at me in 3 years contacts the police. Freak!  I an so glad I am healing myself from the Devil. I can move on and live a happy life while she continues to live vainly in denial. I WIN!

[crazytrain2]

Supernova... I hope you don't mind if I spam "Magick"'s past post here as well.  Your current topics were different, but somewhat related and perhaps that post belongs in both places as it might place perspective to both questions you had. Yet may help us with differing driving questions.

Here goes... .for the 'moving on quickly' befuddled ones of us...

-----------------------------------------

Quote:

Second. I noted in my opening screed my BPD mate's starting a serious relationship within days after our breakup. Indeed, she tried to start another 18 months ago when we were going through a rocky time. ----

--------------------------

Magick's response:

Feeling I know enough I could probably write a book on the topic, I'll admit that while I understand the psychology behind this behavior, it's still one of the most difficult parts for any SO to deal with because that behavior naturally causes us to question the validity of any love/affection in the relationship they had with us.

Prior to dating, a friend of mine asked my now exBPD why she always needed to be dating someone and she replied that she didn't know why she did it, but she felt she had to do it. While we were together, she'd often tell me that she had difficulties being alone; just in general. She didn't like being in the house alone - or single. And no different than many other people, mine was with a different guy just days after we split.

As Clearmind said, someone suffering with BPD typically feels an emptiness inside; literally like they are hollow with this void inside of them. Relationships appear to help temporarily distract them from feeling this because they can adopt an identity based on their partner and gain a false sense of purpose due to the relationship.

The common breakup is either:

1. The person with BPD becomes dysregulated, abandonment fears are triggered and they end the current relationship - either outright or via self-sabotage (either way, it's because they believe their partner will leave them so they act first).

2. The SO of someone with BPD recognizes the dysfunction within the relationship and they end it. (but often #1 happens because the pwBPD already predicted this moment well before the relationship started).

My own research into the topic has suggested that if someone with BPD is abandoned first, they appear less likely to instantly begin a new relationship and will often try to win the partner back for a period of time first. If they do the abandoning, data suggests they are much more likely to form a new relationship in a very quick period (often having a new potential partner picked out before they actually end things with the former).

That seems incredibly cold to anyone with a healthier concept of love and there are other disorders where this same behavior is indeed cold, done by people with no capacity for empathy, who also used the person as a supply and nothing more. That's typically not the case with BPD.

If they are splitting their former partner to an evil person, then yes, it's possible some of their actions serve as a maladaptive coping mechanism and also a way to communicate pain by being hurtful or punishing towards that former partner.

But really, that relationship hopping behavior serves two purposes:

1. It prevents them from having to deal/cope with the emotions from whatever occurred in the previous relationship (they are hurting, they lost someone they did love - even if that form of love isn't the mature form an SO would expect) and

2. It provides a new source of attention/affection (because after a breakup, someone who constantly feels unlovable is certainly looking for someone to make them feel loveable - even if it's temporary).

If that replacement relationship ends or begins to have problems, depending on the pwBPD's current view of a former partner they may have reflected on what occurred and may contact that former partner in preparation to once again bounce out of their current relationship and into a new one (which would be back to a former partner).

Of course, this is an endless cycle because all of it is done to avoid dealing with the emotions that they need to be address rather than hide or run from. But that cannot happen without them being taught more effective methods to cope with those emotions and great effort on their part to take control of their reactions to those difficult emotions.

I hope that explanation helps you.

[maxen]

thanks for posting that crazytrain.

[leftbehind]

It helped me too, so thanks

[LaSuede]

Thanks for that "spam" 

It was spot on and helpful to see the exact pattern of my pwBPDexbf, from someone detached. Thanks!

[YorksGuy]

Heeltoheal's post speaks to something I have been pondering and working on... .what was my role in all of this and why did I work so hard to stay in the madness. I found I needed the help of a therapist to untangle it all and make sense of things. It has been incredibly empowering and for me a real key to giving me the strength to move on.

These have been the primary questions since I've detached:  why was I having such a deep emotional experience by myself?  Why was I thinking this person was on the same page I was when we weren't even in the same book?  What did I think I was in love with?  How detached from the reality of the situation was I?  Why did I think if I just kept pushing and kept loving that I could 'fix' everything?

Pondering these things, soberly and in the absence of input from the Disordered, has been a profound opportunity for growth, and continues to be.  My current teacher showed up in beautiful packaging with a disordered mind.[/quote]

[aggie04girl]

I have come to the conclusion these people need to come with a disclaimer, because I wish someone had warned me four years before all this happened, because now I need therapy to deal with borderline stockholm syndrome at leaving him. 

Mine lied to my face, but I paid the phone bill and new he was texting a bunch of girls.  I also knew his passcode to his phone, because he thinks I am an idiot and couldn't figure it out.  The day before I took him to the airport I took pictures of his text messages (he was playing off two roommates and neither knew he was talking sexually to the other).  I hadn't decided how I was going to handle it, because I didn't want to be a psycho ex gf and go after the new gf, but at the same time I wished someone had warned me... .would I have listened was a whole other question.  So after talking to A LOT of my guy friends they told me to warn these girls.  So I downloaded an anonymous texting app and I sent them a warning.  They confirmed he was trying to use them for a place to live and they talked to each other about his messaging them both.  They said they were going to stop talking to him and they thanked me for the warning.  I never told them who I was.

I feel I did the right thing.

They may "move on" but they are just trying to survive and manipulate.  I strongly wonder if they are capable of love at all, but that they want the affection and the idea of love.

[fromheeltoheal]

I have come to the conclusion these people need to come with a disclaimer, because I wish someone had warned me four years before all this happened, because now I need therapy to deal with borderline stockholm syndrome at leaving him.  

Mine lied to my face, but I paid the phone bill and new he was texting a bunch of girls.  I also knew his passcode to his phone, because he thinks I am an idiot and couldn't figure it out.  The day before I took him to the airport I took pictures of his text messages (he was playing off two roommates and neither knew he was talking sexually to the other).  I hadn't decided how I was going to handle it, because I didn't want to be a psycho ex gf and go after the new gf, but at the same time I wished someone had warned me... .would I have listened was a whole other question.  So after talking to A LOT of my guy friends they told me to warn these girls.  So I downloaded an anonymous texting app and I sent them a warning.  They confirmed he was trying to use them for a place to live and they talked to each other about his messaging them both.  They said they were going to stop talking to him and they thanked me for the warning.  I never told them who I was.

I feel I did the right thing.

They may "move on" but they are just trying to survive and manipulate.  I strongly wonder if they are capable of love at all, but that they want the affection and the idea of love.

I have come to the conclusion these people need to come with a disclaimer.  Funny.  Back in the day it would have been a scarlet letter.

Yes, a borderline is just trying to survive, just like all of us, but a borderline is doing it with a serious mental illness, which at the least puts them in a different reality from most, and interacting with that different reality causes massive pain for all involved.

Cool that you busted him to those girls, seems like something you needed to do.  Time to start detaching and focusing on you?

[aggie04girl]

I have come to the conclusion these people need to come with a disclaimer, because I wish someone had warned me four years before all this happened, because now I need therapy to deal with borderline stockholm syndrome at leaving him.  

Mine lied to my face, but I paid the phone bill and new he was texting a bunch of girls.  I also knew his passcode to his phone, because he thinks I am an idiot and couldn't figure it out.  The day before I took him to the airport I took pictures of his text messages (he was playing off two roommates and neither knew he was talking sexually to the other).  I hadn't decided how I was going to handle it, because I didn't want to be a psycho ex gf and go after the new gf, but at the same time I wished someone had warned me... .would I have listened was a whole other question.  So after talking to A LOT of my guy friends they told me to warn these girls.  So I downloaded an anonymous texting app and I sent them a warning.  They confirmed he was trying to use them for a place to live and they talked to each other about his messaging them both.  They said they were going to stop talking to him and they thanked me for the warning.  I never told them who I was.

I feel I did the right thing.

They may "move on" but they are just trying to survive and manipulate.  I strongly wonder if they are capable of love at all, but that they want the affection and the idea of love.

I have come to the conclusion these people need to come with a disclaimer.  Funny.  Back in the day it would have been a scarlet letter.

Yes, a borderline is just trying to survive, just like all of us, but a borderline is doing it with a serious mental illness, which at the least puts them in a different reality from most, and interacting with that different reality causes massive pain for all involved.

Cool that you busted him to those girls, seems like something you needed to do.  Time to start detaching and focusing on you?

My statements might seem cold and uncompassionate, but my compassion for BPD or mental illness right now is non-existent, because I need to me angry at my ex I need to know that how he treated me was not right.  I cannot be understanding or kind.  I need that distance.  I think our compassion and sweetness is what gets us trapped in these situations.

[fromheeltoheal]

My statements might seem cold and uncompassionate, but my compassion for BPD or mental illness right now is non-existent, because I need to me angry at my ex I need to know that how he treated me was not right.  I cannot be understanding or kind.  I need that distance.  I think our compassion and sweetness is what gets us trapped in these situations.

Yes, I can relate, I spent a long time hating her and being extremely angry at everything in general; it's a process and you're right where you need to be, and how he treated you was not right. 

Learning about the clinical side of the disorder really helped me depersonalize it, and with time I realized she's a sick person not a bad one.  It can be good to have faith that it will get a lot better as you detach, and you'll know you're getting there when you can find some compassion for him.  Stay strong, stay here, and keep sharing.

[Perfidy]

Our disordered partners never intended to stay with us for life. When we were selected it wasn't based on healthy practices. We were selected because of what we had to offer. We were figured in to a survival plan. When nothing was left to offer or a bigger better deal came along the relationship was over. When whatever the relationship was primarily based on was gone so was the relationship. We can't know what another person is thinking. We can watch their behavior to see if it matches their words. They had planned on moving on from the beginning. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Our disordered partners never intended to stay with us for life. When we were selected it wasn't based on healthy practices. We were selected because of what we had to offer. We were figured in to a survival plan. When nothing was left to offer or a bigger better deal came along the relationship was over. When whatever the relationship was primarily based on was gone so was the relationship. We can't know what another person is thinking. We can watch their behavior to see if it matches their words. They had planned on moving on from the beginning. 

My borderline, and from what I've read it's pretty universal, was terrified of abandonment, a reliving of the abandonment trauma a borderline never successfully traversed as a tot, so it keeps showing up in their adult relationships.  Abandonment is humiliating, a borderline expects it and has anticipated it from before the relationship started, and after a few relationships they get ready to bail as soon as they see hints of the fantasy eroding; better to leave than get left.

[houseofswans]

Our disordered partners never intended to stay with us for life. When we were selected it wasn't based on healthy practices. We were selected because of what we had to offer. We were figured in to a survival plan. When nothing was left to offer or a bigger better deal came along the relationship was over.

Your words moved me to the core

That explains so much to me and questions I have been asking.

Thank you

[RecycledNoMore]

Dearest supernova,that was very hard to read,im sitting in the local library trying my hardest not to cry,I understand how very hard it is for you at this moment because ive been there too.Its ok to cry, its ok,there will be many tears,questions about why, feeling like you want to give up,you feel destroyed, numb desolate, its ok hun, many of us here know your pain... .

I too left my BPD ex 2 wks ago, 8 years of violence,emotional blackmail,fear,questions about if he really loved me, how could he hurt me?

My ex also said he loved me, wanted to work things out,said he didnt want anybody else,but in my heart i knew it wasnt true,we had broken up recycled many times, hed cheated alot, i found his profile on various dating sites,In the past I just put on my rose coloured glasses, believed his promises, and the cycle continued

I was looking for advice on domestic violence one day when I came across BPD.It scared the crap outta me, everything just seamed to fit,I observed his behaviour, moods, lies,actions,words,it changed someting in me forever, after I knew about BPD, there was just no turning back.

It was a blessing because Id finally found out why he behaved the way he did,but also a curse because I knew there was no hope for the relationship,I had basically taught him to treat me badly, let him know that whatever he did to me Id always come crawling back,hitting me, screaming at me, kicking our dog to get at me, kidnapping me, taking my shoes and leaving out in the middle of no where to walk home...

Extreme acts, and I let him do it.

I Suppose what Im trying to say is,he had no conscience,it didnt matter what I said or how much pain I was in, he never saw or felt it, nothing ever touched him, including my love,he was good at saying the things I wanted to hear, and that was about it, it all became one long repeat, same words, same promises verbatim.

So when 2 wks or so ago when I told him I was done, and he said he loved me, I knew it wasnt true, he harrased me daily, my phone, my daughters phone, got his sister to call my home phone saying the dog was bleeding,113, missed calls on my cell in 1 day! I blocked fb, he made 2 new aliases,it went on and on, one day he turned up to where I was studing, said that he was going to " shame" me, he threw a large rock on my classmates car, accusesd me of fcking all of them, that was my last straw...

I got a protection order that day, ya know whats so sad about that? I did it cause he threw the rock on my friends car, I couldnt even do it for myself.

All I can say to you my dear supernova, is it worth it? I have learned through this process is, it was as much about my own self worth my own childhood wounds as it was about him and BPD.I said before finding out was a blessing and a curse, Its probly hard to see any blessing at all right now but bear with me, if I hadnt had been with him, I would have been doomed to repeat those same mistakes in any future relationships, thats pretty scary, It is however the HARDEST thing Ive ever done to detach from this r/ s, I wake everyday thinking of him, he too is already livin it up with his new girl, while I walk around like a numb zombie, trying to be a good mum, trying to build my confidence, trying to find myself... .

All I can say is learn, about BPD, about you,I have gained a sort of strength in knowledge,joining the dots slowly,trying not to give in to the darkness...

Cause I want to be ready, for the day, when he tries to recycle me, to say those lines again the ones that wrench my heart, I want to be able to push delete and not give a damn about it

Find youself supernova, be your own hero.