BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone just have to say how this site has been my saving grace the last couple of weeks. As much as I have a lot of support around me, I don't think anyone truly understands how I feel except on here. My family are getting frustrated with me as they see me struggle they have experienced first hand what I was put through but right now I need their support and understanding.

I don't understand myself when I look back how I miss my fiance, he gave me no choice but to leave, he didn't fight for me and blames everyone else for our issues but himself. He has tried to isolate me from family and friends, been disrespectful to my parents face and I have been called moron sl**t stupid and told to f**ck off out of the house by the end of the month. Yet because of my resentment of him and how I have been distancing myself from him lately, our relationship has gone south. HE TOLD ME TO LEAVE. I have tried to talk to him but it's like talking to a brick wall, I have been to psychologists (who mentioned he may have BPD that's how I found this site) and relationship psychologists and he sits back at his farm wondering when im coming home, yet doing nothing to make me feel assured that this won't repeat itself. I am close to my family, yet I have had to hear him abuse them to me for 12 months, they aren't welcome on the farm, he will due before they see any grandkids and told me to talk to them about their involvement in my life or leave the farm. Now if my parents were too involved in our relationship I would say something but he is talking about their relationship with me which is none of his business and I have no problems with my parents. Looking back I think that might have been him isolating me from them.

That is a bit of history but as of yesterday I think it is officially ended, he doesn't see the real issues, or does he but admitting them would mean he was wrong? I would like to think he has a conscience, do BPD sufferers have one? I know I have done everything possible to make this work so take comfort in that, but I just want to be able to understand why he can't see what I see. Why is he willing to give up me and our future to me just for the sake of his pride, can't admit he was wrong. Just seems so very sad, he is going to be miserable for those reasons. Or will he be miserable? How do I move forward now knowing this could have been easily fixed by him? I have no closure?

I am so sorry you are experiencing that.

I know it hurts.

Beyond.

You are in the right place... .

Where... .

We will understand you.

In bold.

He cant... .

Wont... .

Doesnt want to... .

Doesnt know how to... .

Does know but wont admit to it... .

Is it one... .

Or all the above... .?

See what you see... .

Because he has a disorder... .

Called BPD.

We are here for you.

Hang in there.

I'm sorry you're hurting loz; lotsa stuff in your post and it's early, please stay here and keep talking.

BPD is a complex disorder.  There are a lot of good resources on this site, and I recommend you read as much as you can.  The lights were going on every day for me in the beginning, as I learned more and more that was 100% applicable to my situation, and echoed countless times by others here.  It is uncanny how common the stories are, and all of the information and other's experiences really, really helped me hold on to some sanity; the emotions were very strong, you can probably relate.

To address a few things, mine would never admit she was ever wrong about anything, always had many comebacks to whatever I brought up, and everything was always my fault.  As you learn about the disorder you'll see there must always be a scapegoat for a BPD to make sense of their reality, and it will always be us, there is no other way and the thought process is not rational.  Also, a BPD doesn't care about themselves at their core, so they can't care about us; trust the actions not the words, the words are whatever came to them at the time, the actions are the truth.  He can't see what you see because the disorder causes sufferers to live an entirely different reality, and trying to make sense of it is crazymaking, as you probably know.  A BPD is mostly miserable, the disorder is a living hell, but he will punctuate it with various impulsive actions in an attempt to soothe.  The only closure you will get you will need to give to yourself.

Enough for now.  The good news is it gets better as you detach, much better.  Although you have strong emotions, one of them might be a huge sigh of relief once you've stopped walking on eggshells all the time; my shoulders were spasming it got so bad, and the day I left her was the first time the spasms stopped and they relaxed in months.  Take care of you.

Oh, I forgot to address the title of your post.  Bottom line: the long term effects have been awesome, which to me is really the gift of a BPD relationship.  The pain forced me to look at myself, because it does take two to tango, and the resulting growth has put me in a place where I feel a lot healthier, grounded and more optimistic than I did before I met her.  Something to focus on and look forward to?

Thank you so much for your replies, it helps me a lot to have people understand. I gave so much of myself to make my fiance happy and the whole time I didn't realise I wasn't getting it reciprocated. I spoke to him how I feel and how he can make me feel and he said you make me sound like awful like I always treated you like that so I end up defending myself even though he knows full well we had some excellent times and he could be lovely to me. I did feel like I was walking in eggshells especially after making me clean the house top to bottom and then he would inspect each room and when he didn't like me relaxing at all during the day as there is always gardening to do if I have finished inside the house. I think that was his culture speaking. He says to me I'll still be single at 50 cause of my parents and I will realise how good he was to me in the future. Is there something wrong with my mum wanting to be part of my wedding day, she wasn't going to take over at all. Is a black and white nature common in a BPD sufferer, my fiance can't seem to cope with anything outside his norm, hence the wedding situation. His parents completely stayed out of it and because mine wanted to help, it was abominable for my fiance. They are just flowers for goodness sake, do BPD suffers realise how hurtful their actions are on others? Do they hear themselves sometimes and go geez that was rude? My fiance only admission to his problem is that he doesn't think before he speaks! Is it that simple? First day of no contact whatsoever, we spent 24/7 together so struggling today especially knowing he is prob scouting Internet sites looking for my replacement without a care in the world!

Bingo!  They're crafty like that, and that might be your biggest area of growth moving forward.  Why did you do that?


Time for an upgrade girlfriend.


To him there is; a BPD is all about control, since to him you are not two individuals, the two of you make up a whole, not in a good way, and he needs the upper hand in that whole.  Isolating you from everyone else is one tact to achieve that control.


Extremely


Sometimes, and it produces profound shame, all emotions to a BPD are profound, but BPD is a shame-based disorder, and that one usually sent mine, at least, over the edge; she'd get severely dysregulated, the attacks on me would get extreme, which is projection, and she'd look for ways to soothe; binge eating was a favorite.


You've got a lot of untangling to do, and you sound like a good person.  Breaking free might be a challenge, and it will be important, if you really are committed to taking care of you, to stay steadfast in your resolve, get support, and seek professional help if you need it.

He may seem cold and disconnected, but believe he's just doing what he needs to do to survive, which is a full time job, and it's not about you, it never was at the core, and that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the disorder.

Great information heeltoheal.


If he were, would you want to marry him if he came back apologizing? The nasty abuses are then often followed by complete contrition and many tears. And the cycles get shorter and the nastiness worse over time.

Loz1982,

I understand what you are feeling with the family.  Over the 15 years of marriage I had begun to feel guilty and even sneaking around to talk with them.  And I only talked with them about once ever 2 weeks. 

My family got great understanding from the CD on 'Splitting' by Bill Eddie.  I gave it to them- and it was an hour car ride from them not understanding at all to after the 2 hours of listening- ok now I understand.  They started taking it less personally and they started having an understanding what I have been going through. 

That was a game changer for me with my family and their understanding me and my relationship with my dBPDw.

hi loz, i'm sorry about what you've been in and as others have said, we understand. this is a place to work out your feelings.


a frequent issue among those who are involved with BPDs. the blast of accusation leaves us off balance and we wind up apologizing for things that are 50% our responsibility, or less. i've done it, i bet all of us here have done it, don't be embarrassed by that.

You are all helping me soo much. 2nd day of no contact, stalked his Facebook which he removed me from a month ago but that is it. Don't know what I would say if I text him anyway that is the sad part, not getting through to him and using all the energy I have left to try and do so.

He told me the next girl will be very lucky as he has learnt a lot from this, he had never lived with anyone before me so I guess I was like the test case unfortunately. They do say on here that living with them escalates their fear of abandonment as they come to rely on you more. He said how can we work this out if you are all the way interstate, making me feel guilty, I had no choice to move to my parents, I had nowhere else to go, he said the spare room at the farm was there but he doesn't realise that moving straight back in with him again wont change anything. If I had did that do you think he would've just thought right she is back now, I can treat her anyway I like and she will still come back?

I have been broken up with before but that was so straight forward they didn't want to be with me anymore, this is soo much harder, the lack of closure is heart wrenching particularly when you have both said you still love the other and he called me the love of his life a couple of days ago. Because I can't agree with him on one particular point, he can't let it go, doesn't matter that he made a 3 hour phone call to my parents saying they have f**cked up my life, that he abuses me physically(which he doesn't) and he will die before they see any grand kids. I'm the bad one for wanting my mum help with the flowers for the wedding and I didn't ask him first. I thought the control thing was just his background but now I see it is also a big thing with BPD sufferers. You are right about abuse escalating, over the last few months I can't do anything right and have been treated more like this worker than his partner. I never felt like I was walking beside him, always a step behind. He was brought up in a family that taught him from a young age the value of work, you had to work work work, didn't have much of a childhood and he hates it looking back on it now. His mum was so hard on him and his sister but he is now doing the same thing to me and seems to me like he wants me to be like this mum. He came out with these deeper issues a few weeks ago before I came over here, saying he was emotionally abused when he was younger and was now recognising he was doing the same to me. I need to go and see someone about it and I thought wow that explains a lot and it had me wavering whether I go back now that I knew this but a week later that is all forgotten and myself and my parents are to blame for where we are. He wonders why I am too scared to go back, he text me to say I need to realise what is important not to sweat the small stuff and was trying to build a rose garden for the future and didn't realise I had the roses right in front of me, meaning me. Then a week later said I was only saying that to make you feel better, didn't mean it. Trouble is I believe he does mean it at the time but for some reason doesn't want to lose face so retracts it. He did go to a psychiatrist mid year who didn't mention BPD to him but I think he used it as a blaming session rather than talking about anything deeper.

I'm sorry about the venting I guess trying to understand how I got here. I was in an emotionally abusive off and on relationship before him so maybe my self esteem was perfect for this, he was so attentive did everything he said he would in the beginning which was so different to what I was used to. Never had to second guess where his loyalties lied, was never worried about him cheating so no reason to be jealous. But maybe if I look at now it seems he revolved his life around me, my life is his life as mentioned above they can't see us as individual people. Lucky I kept my friends even though I was living an hour away and they have been amazing. I am very sad to lose his family and friends though, they were all lovely people that I made a lot of effort with. It disturbs me what he will tell them about myself and my parents but hope they know me well enough not to take too much notice!

A question also even if my parents said nothing about the wedding my fiance would've found somrhibg else to have an issue with in the future... .

Yeah, I come back to that point - being, that even if 'insert whatever here' happened differently, or I dealt with it differently, or said/didn't say something differently, or knew more about how to deal with someone suffering depression/grief/BPD/other - it would always have resulted in the same outcome... .

... .maybe it would have taken longer, maybe it would've meant a split for good much faster - but ultimately, I could not make this relationship and love work - no matter how much love and affection I feel for him.

Very true accepting, I guess we have to resign yourself ourselves that our best is never going to be enough, anyone's best really. Has anyone ever experiences what you think is moments of clarity with their BPD partner? Meaning they seem to see the real issues for a time and you think you are getting somewhere only to have them revert back after a week? That is what I found most hard to deal with and why I kept giving the relationship ago. My fiance had a major breakdown on was meant to be our wedding day (it had been called off 5 months prior) and rang my parents for 3 hours and abused them much to my horror, I mean it was my wedding day too but I didn't react like that. Long story short I took myself away for awhile and he had said to my Im the problem Im getting help seeing a psychiatrist on medication so I thought there is more to this he can't help it so I went back. Only to have him a few months later take himself off his medication cold turkey without telling me. Mind you I could tell you the day he did it looking back as he became more antagonistic and not as relaxed. He has never been properly diagnosed, his mum suggested he go to her doctor as she is on medication for depression, anxiety and I believe she just gave him the same medication for that reason. A couple of weeks ago before I went interstate for some time out, he said he needs to get help as he thinks his childhood is still affecting him to this day and he was emotionally abused by his mum and now I am doing it to you. Made a lot of sense and softened me towards him, still I went away and then a week later, he is back to blaming myself and my parents. Do they really mean what they say sometimes but the reality of them admitting fault is too much for them to handle? Or are they just saying things we like to hear to get us back? My fiance has also said some really hurtful things to myself and my parents and says I know, I just go for the jugular, what can hurt the most! Surely this means they do have some sense they are hurtful? That they are not totally unaware of their impact on people?

Also do you struggle with the guilt is just thinking about the bad times to get through this but knowing there was also really really good times as well, I make my fiance sound like a monster and I know he's not.

I felt with my situation he had definite moments of clarity and remorse but these were fleeting and on a cycle. The cycle itself did not always fit in to a pattern in the end. Early on in knowing him the cycle was fairly clean cut, but towards the end I didn't know which way he was going to go with things. He seemed far more lost in the abyss in his mind/emotions. It was as though relating to someone who was sometimes drunk, other times not... .and you don't know what you're going to get on any given day. It's random is what I'm trying to say - and from a clear mind it's very hard to get a grip on or try to understand - because it simply just is all muddled up in their own mind. That's why I am sincerely trying to now accept that he simply has an issue that I can not change and that this issue makes a relationship not possible for me. My needs will not be met, in fact, they will become less and less met the further along the path we go. So, I'm just trying to focus on walking away... .with compassion for both him and I. Compassion for him suffering this condition, and for myself in having been exposed to this experience and the feeling of a failed love - what I thought was a partner I'd grow old with.

You sound like where I want to be, I haven't reached the acceptance stage yet still quite raw only on my 4th day of no contact. How long were you with your partner? What I also find really hard is in other relationships they have ended because someone has stopper caring and doesn't want to be with them anymore but for this situation, we both still love each other but you have tried your best but it still doesn't work! You think surely there must be something you can do or say but the reality is it's out of your hands. Hard to take!

I also thought I would spend my life with him, was engaged and trying for kids, I guess in hindsight it's lucky we weren't successful conceiving. They say things happen for a reason I guess!

We were in a crazy pattern of recycles (I only recognised it was a cycle half way through) for 19mths. I've had two longer relationships lasting 5 and 6yrs previously, so this was not so long... .but he made me feel for the first time in my life like I'd met someone on par with my way of thinking about life, my morals, my desires. I felt far more reciprocal love/emotion with him than I did with my ex who I owned an apartment with. Strange how it all just sucks you in. It was the first time in my life I have been with someone and not felt like 'there was still a man out there for me' - I just felt he was the one for me. He owned nothing though he had a great and stable job - and I felt like I'd happily forgo anything materialistic just to be with him - 'that I'd be happy to live in a cardboard box so long as he was with me'. It was very intense at the start and we communicated like crazy *in hindsight it was crazy  *) * - he wanted me to commit to him and I was hesitant about his fast paced request... .but I was drawn to him and trusted him. He spoke of how if I were to fall pregnant he'd happily have children with me and how he would love to wake with me every day though we never lived together... .we would laugh and have a ball, go on country drives and have home cooked meals. I'd sit on his kitchen bench in my pjs and slippers and it just felt like I was at home when we were together. I thought his issues were depression and grief related as he'd had a failed marriage and his mum passed away - but over time I saw cycles emerging, things he said didn't add up (like things were muddled in his mind; time line of events was skewiff), his comments on things from long ago lead me to realising that (as my mum suggested - good on you mum!) his issues seemed to stem from longer than his divorce or mother's death - all of a sudden, upon reading about BPD, everything just added up - and whilst it was a relief in ways to finally put two and two together on everything that happened, it also saddened me - cos suddenly I could no longer feel as though I was waiting for him to recover from grief or to get passed a phase of depression, suddenly I realised I was dealing with a whole lot more than that, a much longer problem. He has a tattoo on his back saying "save me from myself" - his school yearly class photos show him doing 'the finger', he talked about things which somehow I didn't put weight on till we went through our recycles - I didn't like these 'red flags' but didn't put enough weight on them - just brushed them as being school boy things. In hindsight it was all adding up to a long term behavioural issue/cycle - sad.

I am doing really well and I'm further along than you in the process - but it is hard. I cried a lot the other day - he didn't call me at all for my birthday or acknowledge it - I discovered he's on online dating after having proclaimed his deep need to have space from me to discover himself - he mentions reading the book I gave him for his birthday on his online profile and has named his alias after a punk band who I now see from their lyrics are dark and twisted - and he has used a pic that was especially taken from a friend for me of him. It's just weird. Even discovering his profile was strange - I was up late unable to sleep the week of my birthday, sick... and I was thinking of how we'd met online and something in me just wanted to check that he wasn't on there - I really didn't think he'd ever be back on the dating site - it was just a random thought and I felt like proving to myself that he wasn't on there again. He came up at the top of the list. I was so shocked I shook - all the talk about seeing a psychologist and needing to find himself and how he had lost himself in falling for me and how if I respected him and understood then I'd give him the space he needed to be by himself... .and there he was, on online dating, searching, hunting to replace me.

I think I'm accepting because I see the overall picture finally. When you're 'in it' it can be so hard to separate the reality from the emotions you're feeling. You want it to be the good without the bad... .but once you are away from them you realise the bad is so much part and parcel of them. When you haven't had this kind of relationship before, it's hard to believe the reality of such disordered thinking - you keep pushing aside the irregularities cos they just don't add up - you keep trying to piece it all together but then push aside the yucky parts cos the emotionally close parts are so enthralling and perfect, beautiful. I think I reached my tether in seeing him online on the dating site. Til that point, whilst I thought he had severe issues, I still always trusted in his word. Now that trust is broken and I have proof - I have to respect myself by walking away. It's nice to look after yourself and stand your ground.

I too met my fiance online, I read somewhere that there is a high percentage of men online with BPD I'm not sure if that is true or not. My ex had told me before we had even separated officially that he is already online looking at other girls. I would not be surprised if I got on there and found him, that would prob help me move on quicker too, think that was also his way to get me to move back to the farm quicker. Talk about the wrong way to do it! I am already able to see why I should not be in this relationship so I am on my way I think! This had been my longest relationship but my others even though shorter were so much healthier looking back but you are right when you are in it, it just seems normal and you really hang onto the good times as the bad times kept coming more frequently!

I'm sorry to hear what you have been through, you do feel like the centre of their world no one has ever made you feel like this and you are so comfortable with them. It's such a shock when it all ends, I think how will I find that connection again then I think was it as real to them as us?

The things you are wondering are often discussed on this site - I've been on about a month now - I read in the background before joining up. It's really helped, posting. Sharing experiences and getting an understanding - cos unless you've been in it, you just wouldn't 'get it' - and friends n family just don't understand why we return, why we're even spending a second's thought over these people who cause such emotional pain for us.

I feel like my ex did feel the same level of connection which I felt - in his clear moments. I do feel like he felt remorse for his behaviour and like he wished he could stop. He'd say that he felt that by being with me he felt he was putting himself at risk of being hurt more than he ever had hurt in his life (besides his mum passing) and that he pushed me away to try to save me from him - that he never meant to hurt me. He also said one recycle, leading to a recycle, that his psychologist said it was important for him to let me know that 'it was not my fault'. At that point, I still thought progress was being made in his therapy and that it was grief and depression, not something further. The more I discovered and the more 'answers' I got from the situation, the worse it became. Finding truths and putting two n two together only seemed to unravel our 'relationship' more. Whilst I felt 'a'ha!' moments, he just seemed to resign himself to my having discovered the truth - and he withdrew, gave up, pushed me away more. For me, I thought this was grounds for making more solidarity between us, to working towards 'making it work' but for him it obviously meant that I 'knew too much', could no longer be a part of things - had to be pushed away.

The last time we saw each other I stayed with him a few days, they were so perfect at times, amazing... .I remember thinking that if only I could stay frozen in time at that point - but alas, shortly after this (when I was feeling incredible about us), he withdrew and treated me to solid silent treatment. It's truly bizarre. What would lead most people towards wanting to spend more time together and commit further, instead has the opposite effect on them. I'm sad for him if anything, not angry... .I kind of pity him and empathise even thought I don't 'understand'. I understand now that there is such thing as BPD, but I really still can't say I get it.

Accepting,

This is exactly the things I miss out and tares my heart up. Everything you described are the things I loved and miss the most. It's uncanny. He loved to cook. I remember in the morning or after work at night sitting in my pjs talking and laughing while he was cooking I felt like I was at home. Home in the real sense of this is what I've always been looking for this feels so perfect and meant to be. I have described it that way before too. I was never so happy than sitting there or being next to him while we were just driving aimlessly though the country laughing and talking. Him grabbing for my hand. Going on long walks together. The simple things. I am tearing up just thinking about it. And then suddenly out of nowhere he could get so angry over nothing and my world would be ripped apart. Anger silent treatments were excruciating for me.

I had also had thought he was suffering from depression. Mainly from his mothers death. She died a month before we got together. It's been 4 years since her death and he is mourning like it was yesterday. Not to minimize it but the level of grief never subsided at all.  I have my theories on the that. He left me on my birthday... .So much of what you have written I thought is this the same guy. If it wasn't for the tatoo I would be convinced it was.

Sorry for what you are going through. I know.

Good thread.  I thought about the clinical side of BPD reading your posts.  BPD's are hypersensitive and constantly looking for signs that we think they are flawed and/or thinking about abandoning them.  It can be something as little as the way we say something, a slight look on our face, a random sigh, that they interpret as the definitive proof we disapprove and are leaving.  The hardest part for me was just getting too comfortable in the relationship meant to her I was no longer trying and ready to leave, ridiculous, but very real to her.  So the BPD gets triggered, meaning strong emotions come up, they lack the ability to soothe, and the best defense is a strong offense, so they lash out.  It's not about us, it is not rational, and there is no sitting down and talking through anything; the emotions are too strong, and a BPD cannot admit they did anything wrong because that means they are flawed and again you'll leave.  So we're left sitting there in complete shock wondering what the hell just happened, undefinable, but of course it's all our fault.  Bet you guys can relate.

Iwalkheruns,

It's uncanny the similarities in these relationships isn't it? But then I guess when we sit down with others and relate experiences in life, we often are surprised about what we have in common... .things we thought we felt that others don't etc. Sometimes though, with these relationships, the similarities are mind blowing.

To ease your mind further, I'm in Australia :) I'd hate to think we were talking about the same guy... .that'd just be a little too close to home for comfort wouldn't it?  

I miss those simple things the most. It's the reason I tried so hard to make it work - cos the parts that were so joyful were those that I consider 'real', the important stuff - just falling asleep with him was so much more comforting that falling asleep with partners in the past - I could fall asleep with his arms around me whereas with exes I remember asking to have my fair share of the bed and doona lol! :) haha. There was just something innately comforting about being close to him. He also did things physically (not just sex) that was different to things I experienced in the past - focusing on scent and touch and connecting eyes more than I'd had before. It all seemed to throw me off guard but compel me to him even more. How they draw us in and get us addicted huh?

It's almost 1am in Australia... .I just finished my studies for this module ... yay! Finally a night where thoughts of him haven't intercepted my study too much to focus properly.

heeltoheal, this is the cycle that takes ages to work out but once you have you get little reprieve in your 'a'ha!' moments because before you know it, the very putting two n two together that you've just spent so much time pondering, only leads to your ex doing the disappearing act - leaving you even more utterly shell shocked!

Yes, and the motivation behind the disappearing act is leave before they get left, since they now think you're on to them, which you are.

I didn't hang around that long.  I have to be able to talk about what's going on with me, and her, and have the ability to problem solve together, otherwise the relationship will never work.  There was absolutely none of that with us, everything was always my fault, she always needed to be in control, and she wouldn't meet me in the middle, no way.  Sorry, gotta go.

His idealization was so convincing and I thought it was so real. I would actually challenge anyone that says they would not fall for it. It was that great. I felt like I had never had a purer love (except for my son). Of course I know now it was one sided and I was deceived.

To answer this post directly. I will someday stop grieving I suppose but I am really worried I will never be able to fully trust someone again. Being a trusting and not jealous person is something I thought was a good thing about me. I knew he left me for someone else but I just found out the other day that he was seeing a nurse at work all the while he was looking in my eyes telling me I am the only one for him. How do you recover from something like that?

I was very susceptible when she showed up, and within a couple of days we were talking literally all night on the phone, 9 full hours at a time, and had shared intimate everything, relationships, family, sex, infidelity, exes, the whole nine.  It felt both weird and a dream come true, I now realize it was way too much way too early, but I was enjoying the hell out of that buzz.


I say the trial by fire made me far more wary, and aware of what I'm thinking and feeling, and I really don't see myself falling for that again.  Strong, healthy boundaries, a focus for me lately, will make folks earn the right to my vulnerability, and trust is built, not assumed.


By realizing it for what it was: a lesson it was time for us to learn, and the teacher showed up wrapped in borderline pathology.  It takes two to tango, we fell for it, and the resulting growth borne out of pain will raise the bar for future mates and make our next relationship healthier.

Thanks heeltoheal. I like your name.

You are right about everything you said. I know for a fact that I will never be with someone who rages, silent treatments, talks to me with disrespect... .The thing I find the hardest and most hurtful out of all of it though is the deceit and cheating. I really did not know and even nons can do this too. He was so good at hiding it. How do I protect myself from things I have no control over?. If I do go into a new relationship and he could be the most faithful person but how will I ever know for sure and I don't want that to effect my behavior and possibly ruin something good. I feel like he took that away from me because he showed me how deceitful people can be . I get that that is a chance in every relationship but having lived it I could not go through that again. I will work hard to reconcile it but to answer the post question that for me is the long term effect I will have to deal with.

Feeling a little sensitive right now. Just got back from getting tested. Hopefully no long term effects of that kind. Talked to the doctor who was both of ours and it resurfaced a lot of feelings. Not only does cheating damage you emotionally but they put your health in jeopardy with out a second thought. Also, I had breast cancer (twice) and lost my longtime job while we were together and he acted like the rock for me through this. He didn't even care enough to not heap more on me.

Yeah, I get it.  In the beginning my borderline used to say "just don't tell him (or her)" to a lot of things, which I realize now is a red flag, but I ignored it at the time; she lived in a world of secrets and no one ever got to know the real her, probably because there wasn't one, it was all an illusion.  But at least I know what I wanted, a deep emotional bond and true intimacy, and you can't get there if you're always keeping yourself from people.  She was not faithful to me, I knew it, and I sense she knew I knew it, and I think that's true in any relationship.  If one partner cheats, an emotional distance grows in the relationship, and the other partner either notices and brings it up, or let's it go, but to me it's pretty obvious if you are close.  Of course if we're that close my partner isn't going to cheat anyway, since the emotional distance happens before the physical transgression, except with a borderline, who has sex outside the relationship as a soothing tool, and doesn't consider it cheating.


I'm glad you made it through the Dr appointment, I can imagine that was difficult.  Good luck with the test results, hopefully he didn't share more than is wanted.

Mine turned it around on me: I was tired of her crap one day, said so, and she chose to tell me I gave her HPV as her comeback, and she had sores on her vagina and mouth, and was very upset.  We were apart physically for a few weeks then, so I never saw any of that, and turns out it was all a lie.  The lengths to which they'll go to avoid shame and guilt are amazing.

Hopefully you are fine. I've not been tested since my relationship with him ended but I've not been with anyone either. I did freak a little seeing his dating profile as I suddenly realized my trust was not deserved and I could have been with a cheating man. Not nice - I can't imagine how hard actually having proof that he was cheating is. I don't want to know any more than I already do. Just know that it's robbing oneself of something real when they do something like that... any instant gratification is blown away in the wind. I'd much rather loving connection that was genuinely reciprocated. We will find love and trust again.

Like you, I too was ill when with him - for the first time in my life i had a fairly debilitating sickness and whilst getting over it towards a year into knowing him I too was made redundant. More uncanny similarities. He always proclaimed concern but his actions were the opposite. He likely prolonged my recovery due to emotional stress. I got better and got a new career as well as studying during the last half of knowing him and he said he was so happy for me and proud but then he almost tore me back down all over again in a recycle and I've had to recognize that all the hard work I keep putting in to better myself is ruined when I involve myself with him. I need to be by myself or with someone who enhances me... .not someone who's toxic to us both.

There's a lot of good people out there. I now want to meet someone truly amazing. Someone who really is what they portray.

I too can relate to the fantastic times that can be had, holding hands while driving, driving day trips to places, grocery shopping together and even clothes shopping I mean what guy likes to do that. We were 24/7 together and I always thought men liked their space maybe that should have been a red flag as my fiance didn't have a problem with it.

Day 5 NC and he wasn't the first thing I thought of when I woke up so I think I'm making progress. Just a question if I had spokento my fiance before my parents got to our house in wanting my mum to be a part would that have made a difference? He keeps mentioning like this would condone his behavior towards them? People keep telling me that if not the wedding, he would find something else to have a problem about!

I'm in Australia too perhaps we should be worried Accepting :)

Wow both of yours are maybe the down under doppelgänger of mine. As weird as it sounds grocery shopping was a big deal for us and very warm memories for me. We did it almost everyday as he loved to cook. After his first discard I literally could not go grocery shopping without feeling like I wanted to vomit for months. Mine also would take me shopping and lavish attention on me. I loved his attention not the clothes as much. I too have said to myself wow what guy likes to do that.

And to answer your question NO!  Nothing you did would have changed it. He used it as an excuse like mine did. They do this to shift blame and justify their behavior. It would have been something else.

Remember! You didn't cause it and you can't change it. It is one of the hardest things for me to accept but I think I am on my way. In large part thanks to you all.

You are doing great for only 5 days no contact if you don't think about him when you wake up.

loz, he doesn't want to get married, in my opinion. He is looking for a way out that shifts the attention away from his defects to someone else.

In my experience, after 20 years with my udBPDw, who began finding fault immediately with my family as if they had done something to her, but they never did anything except welcome her, I have concluded that her fault-finding was about one thing only. Her fear of being discovered for what she is like and who she ISN'T.  She didn't want me to have the support of emotionally close ties with my family when the hell - which she knew would happen - broke loose, so she could maintain control through a credible victim status of her own. She did not want eyes watching her.

If you are young, understand that your future is long ahead and still to be made. It would be a huge mistake to start it out with a man so disturbed that he can treat you so badly emotionally. And make no mistake - his rejection of your family's participation in your marriage is bad emotional abuse. A man who loves you should be happy and secure, and encourage you to be close to everyone you love in your life and not treat your love for them - or their love for you - as a reason for rejection as if those loves are a cancer upon his existence.

Yes I got emotional the first time I went into a supermarket, I must of been a sight, I was trying not to lose it when I was in the fruit section. Clothes shopping holds no joy at the moment, he did buy me things also but I think as I wasn't working and working for him not being paid, it was his way of paying me back. When I said I wanted to go back to casual work, he did seem to encourage it but at the same time resent it and make it sound like I am ungrateful for the life he is giving me. He said I was going to buy you a car, I never asked him for one and would never expect him to buy me one at this early stage but he seemed to resent me for that. I went back to casual work and suddenly I am responsible for all my expenses, even if I was just working a day or there, sort felt like he cast me out on my own.He did say he thinks my parents are to blame also for ruining our ability to work together on the farm.

Thank you so much for clarifying the wedding stuff, they seem to be able to twist things so you are convinced it is your fault even though nothing is an excuse for his behaviour. Can you honestly say you don't have a gripe to your partner about your parents every now and again, I mean sometimes parents frustrate us, nothing serious. He had frustrations he told me about as well but never did I know I was dealing with someone who would obsess about things like this and then use it against me! I would never hold it against his mum, all I was concerned about is how she treated me, like he should've been. That last line you wrote sums it up perfectly fish I never thought of it as emotional abuse re the wedding organisation but I can see now what you mean, why should they not want the people I love close to me, it doesnt make sense!

My ex early on misinterpreted something my dad said and that was it for that. I told him right off the bat before he even met him that sometimes my dad can be kind of gruff even to me and don't take anything personally. Mainly harmless stuff. Just kind of old school. I was there when he supposedly said this and it wasn't much of anything at all.  During devaluation times he has told me I can't deal with the fact that you look like your dad. Even though in the beginning he was supposedly so attracted to me. I was thinking I can't help what I look like or be responsible for my father. I mean he hates his dad because he abandoned the family for another woman and family when he was 12. I don't hold that against him. He looks just like his dad. (And apparently acts like him). He then starts to say every time he was upset with me "oh ok insert dad's name, to me. Just to degrade me in his mind. He would have gone biserk if I ever said anything about his family. Which I never would do that.

Oh so so true I know exactly what you are saying, my Dad talks a lot talk the ear off anyone which can be frustrating but he is a decent country guy! Anyone he has some one liners and is a bit opinionated but my fiance used to interpret anything he said as interfering like the time my dad said to him my mum never worked on the farm and he interpreted that my dad didn't agree with me working on the farm. Dad said to me not true he said out of his daughters I was the one he could see on the family. Dad mentioned flowers in the church for the wedding and just to be antagonistic my fiance said don't need them it's a place of worship. Dad said I'm happy to pay for them if that's a problem and took that as my Dad interfering. It must be exhausting to be always looking for bad things all the time. His mum emotionally abused him and he didn't have a fun childhood so I could resent her for that but I don't, bur obviously our thought processes are not the same!

And yes I didnt have to say much about his parents and he went off. I said the fact that I resent the fact that your parents come and go as they please and mine aren't made to feel welcome and that was enough to set him off, even though I had copped abuse about my parents for a year!

A week tomorrow NC I have got here because every time I have weakened I think will contacting him get me anywhere so it stops me. I only want to be happy at the moment and from other posts here it seems contacting the ex has brought nothing but upset why would I be any different? I won't deny I have wanted to hear from him just so I know he cares  

Does anyone else feel the guilt of abandonment? I came interstate to clear my head and my parents are here but he says we can't work it out with you there! I guess its the if I couldve done this scenario would it be any different.

Also my ex is on Luvox he took himself off cold turkey but I know now he is back on them. I read that is something people with BPD are put on to help them. Is this true? My ex went on them for anxiety and obsessive compulsive thoughts as he hasn't been diagnosed with BPD. Do you think long term on this Luvox would help him? Does only medication help?

Hi Loz... .well done on taking some time out and sticking with it. Last night I was the most swayed towards contacting my ex that I've been since this period of NC began. I was so upset and missed him intensely after seeing people he knows at the local shopping centre yesterday afternoon - they didn't see me. It was so hard not to send him an email saying I loved him. I desperately wanted to reach out to him.

I came on to this forum and read others experiences and posts... .and with a little support I managed to decide not to break contact and to take a few panadol with a big glass of water and go to sleep (after more tears).

When I woke today I felt sad still but far less desperate... .the tears had helped distance me a little, helped ease some of the pain. I felt really glad that I didn't contact him. I think that unless you are happy to consider a future which has a likelihood of panning out along a similar path to the one you've already followed up till this point, then the best option is to let them go. So, so hard to stick to this resolve though I know. Hang in there. 

I'm sorry about the pain your feeling Accepting I know exactly how you feel, I think my pain is lessened for me at the moment as I'm interstate so I'm not around any familiar landmarks or people. It might be a different story when I'm back. Is that what stops you from going back, the worry it will be the same again? I know deep down that will be the case and I'm pretty sure I would resent him for not getting the help he needs and for treating me badly even though I know he can't help it! Unfort I still have some stuff at our house when I go back so hopefully that doesn't set me back too much when I go back there! We are god parents to his friends daughter and her mum would like to catch up with me when I'm back which is nice but it might also set me back. I know I'll be a much stronger person and know what I want more out of this but it is a hard lesson to learn! I find the night times in bed the hardest that's when I have a bit of a cry, I just miss that contact and feel lonely!

Yep. If I felt like there was any chance we could make this work then I'd be with him... .gosh, I felt he was my partner for life... .it felt so incredibly natural being together and I simply couldn't fathom why he'd push me away over n over again. I saw him 5wks ago and have not heard from him in 4wks, went NC from my own end about 3wks ago when I deleted all contact for him. Whilst I've been shattered by it all in the past, this time it feels like my most real attempt to really accept this is all bigger than I'm able to help him with and hence I have to be final about things with him. It hurts like crazy at times, then other times I'm pretty good... .calm, clear minded and resolved about it all. Night times or weekend times where I'm not preoccupied are the worst for sure. Also... .I still really want to hear from him... .I can't help having that feeling. Though it's futile as I know that hearing from him would do nothing good... .it would only mean that he was thinking of me in some form and appease those horrible feelings that arise from him sending his Silence my way. I love him from my heart and have never felt so selfless in relationships... .never felt like I could grow old with someone and love them despite adversity that life threw our way - yet this BPD or similar (he's not diagnosed-well hasn't told me if he is... though he is in therapy) is way over my head. I'd give anything to have it not be the case but it simply is the case. I'm on the Gold Coast btw... .I remember you saying you're in Aus too. Most posters are in the US I believe.

I live in Brisbane I am close by I grew up on the Gold Coast :) I'm sorry about your pain I feel very much like you. We are only human and care but we need to take our lives back :)

oh hey   haha, that smiley waving icon is pretty funny... .thought I had to use it. Wow another Aussie and a local. I lived in Bris for over ten yrs... .been on the coast the last 4 or so. It's actually nice to know there's 'locals' on here cos I felt I'd posted on a US based forum and just felt like it was aimed at them - but it's been great posting n reading here either way. It's all the same issue in the long run - to varied degrees.

Know what's weird? I instantly wondered if you are a guy or girl cos my ex dated a few girls from Bris... .eek!

... .

edit... .just read your post in another thread. And you're a guy :)

I'm in Melbourne it is nice to have some Aussies on here. I too have had to have Panadol before I go to bed a couple of times because I've had a lot of trouble falling asleep! I too also saw him as my soul mate we were getting married trying for kids so this is the furtherest emotionally I have invested in a relationship so it's very very hard to let those dreams go! There are times I'm also very good clear minded about things and seeing them for what they are, my friends say you are very strong and brave but not always like now I'm writing this as I lay in bed with tears in my eyes. I pick up my new car tmoz so at least I have something to be excited about!

I'm doing things for myself again. I'm sick of being upset all the time though and I think what doesn't help is all my nightshifts and lack of sleep. The fact its getting hot again doesn't help either I just wish my energy and motivation levels would stay up.

Awww   that was me last night. Tonight I'm listening to a bit of Bliss n Eso lol which has kept those tears at bay. Bit hard to cry with B'n'E bashing it out lol.

I hope you get some sleep easily tonight... .though a new car would keep me up like it was Christmas!  

This is cool, now I'm reading all these posts hearing an Australian accent.  G'day, mates!

It is pretty exciting most people when upset go on a shopping spree I buy a car lol. Thank you I hope I can shut my brain off, reading a book to make me tired! Snappafcw keep doing things for yourself I wish it was hot here! I find going for a walk really gives me energy and clears my head. Night mate (heeltoheal) :)

How are you feeling today Accepting? Did you ever for guilty for leaving or abandoning them as they believe? I keep picturing my ex sobbing saying he is going to need to find someone like me, god I miss him! He would need to get a lot of help before i went back as im not strong enough just to deal with it, the control, abuse and lack of my needs met. I just read that on another post about not having my needs met, because it was always about him, what i could do for him. It's like a revelation I've come to recently, it was a very one sided relationship. Did you find that? I mentioned BPD to him he said some of it doesn't apply to him and he can see me in the description, with that as his attitude nothing will improve!

Firstly... .how is your new car?   *)  :)

I don't have a car port for my car living here in a valley in the hinterland at my brothers so I don't have cover if I bought one and won't - but I too was thinking... .hmmmm ... .new car... .would be nice... .When I saw that was your therapy to yourself it made me smile.

Today I had a great work day and then treated myself to a belated b'day pressie of a facial with Estee Lauder. Very very unlike me. Buut... .I was thinking during the experience how I should start treating myself to more little things like this... .treatments, acupuncture... .maybe weekends away with friends - nice calming little distractions.

I'm a funny mixture of good n not so good this past week. I am really trying to stick to my resolve of moving on. I honestly feel a great want for him to contact me out of the blue - and am 50/50 on whether he will. But in reality it's best he doesn't cos I know that I want it only for confirmation that I mean something to him still and also in ways to prove that he's unwell - cos I think when you go no contact you disassociate with the reality of the situation and put them on a pedestal - ruminating about the good things that happened and downplaying the bad. The moment I read other's posts on this forum, I remember so clearly those heart shattering, sickening moments that is the reality of being 'with them'. If one good thing comes out of the shared stories and pain others go through on here... .it is remind those of us who are remaining no contact of what we can expect if we choose to go there and try to re-engage with our exes. It is an illness and it is something that we can not cure for them. No matter how much we want to or how much we fantasise about the what if's... .the what if we could just get passed the hurdle... .nothing will change. I've recycled enough times to know that I've put my all in to it. The only thing was, I didn't know that his behaviour had a name - now that I do I feel torn - could I try harder to make it work vs there's no point ever trying again. The latter is reality.

I feel like avoiding this site at times as it makes me think of him... .but it stops me wanting to reach out to him and that is so very important right now. I need solid ground between him and I... .I need to do the work to strengthen my resolve. All my family and friends want something special for me and they all dislike him so much - even that makes me feel guilty and bad - like sticking up for him... .and that is the issue here. Sticking by the person who is actually causing us the pain. Crazy making. Love is a little crazy even without what we're going through though isn't it?

How are you tonight?

Btw, to answer your question... .Yes, I also found it was very one sided. I think that is because they are not able to meet us in the middle with things - effort, attention, commitment... .it's all things they want to be able to try and will say that they will try harder each time... .but it all comes crashing down quickly with the reality that they can't do this stuff for their own selves let alone for us.

I empathise with them I really do. I don't feel poorly, if anything I try to understand and get a grip on being lucky that I don't face this condition myself. It's horrible and would be a terrible affliction. I love him so much but I can not fix this. This is bigger than me... .and boy have I tried.

My car is great thank you for asking, bit worried about driving it for the first time more powerful than what I am used too so love it and the new car smell! I'm going okay tonight a week today, evenings are the hardest but my parents have been great. We have our moments not easy living with the parents again but we are finding our routine now and putting on some much needed weight I lost!

My friends and family especially are not a fan, my friends out of loyalty to me are shocked to hear what I put up with, they never saw anything personally but are 100% sure I have done the right thing. My family have seen and heard first hand my ex's abuse in front of my sister and brother in law he said he wants a woman not a girl meaning me and has sent abusive emails and made abusive calls to my parents so it's a no brainer for them whether I leave or not. That I also have more reason to try and stay away as I would lose all respect from everyone and considering how he has treated my family I would eventually become more isolated from them in the future. No person should be isolated from people they love.

I too don't normally spoil myself but had a pedicure and manicure a couple of weeks ago and even though it was used to help with pregnancy at the time acccupuncture was the only relaxing thing in the latter part of our relationship. I wish I'd known about BPD earlier maybe I would've pushed it earlier re treatment as he was open a few months back when he thought he had anxiety problems. I def think I couldn't have stayed if he didn't get help as people talk about setting boundaries but my ex is not the sort to conform to boundaries it is his way or the highway! I have given him about 4 chances this being the only time I have moved out so if this isn't enough to wake him up losing the love of his life, I feel nothing will get him to get help!

We are lucky to have great family and friends hey! I'm a bit bored not working and keen to get back to a routine a job somewhere to live but know I can't rush these things. I don't know where I want to live!

Love is definitely not always smooth sailing but I don't think it should be as damaging to us as what we have been through. It is about respect compassion and meeting each others needs making the other as happy as possibly. None of that would explain my relationship.

I had some contact tonight. A text asking how I was and if I am still coming back to Melbourne still if so what do I want him to do with my belongings? I said I'm still planning on coming back for a couple of weeks if it is okay to keep my belongings in the spare room. Said I'm doing well enjoying my new car and new iPhone and he said all you need now is a new man! Not sure why he made that comment? Felt a bit jolted in hearing from him even if it is just to see when I'm out of his hair completely!

Yep... mine always said I deserved so much more than him, than what he could give me.

He was all I wanted.

When I recycled with him he'd say things like "wow, you still have my shirt... .I thought you'd have burnt it" - everything was dramatic like that... .he'd say he'd avoid gigs cos he didn't want to risk seeing me with a new guy. Those times I'd have been pining over him waiting on  his call. It's crazy making stuff.

So hearing you, mine said have you still got your engagement ring or have you thrown it out. It is so special to me how could he think I would discard it like that. Also said if he sold the farm he would have to go interstate as staying in Vic would remind him of me too much. He was the one I wanted too, I don't care about material stuff, I never got the emotional things I was after, he could've been a garbage collector and I would've still loved him! I felt like writing back I DONT WANT ANOTHER MAN but I can't have him in the sense I want him or deserve. One message and I'm set back thought I was doing better than that . I take comfort in the fact I am crossing his mind!

I got a text first thing this morning saying he still loves me but doesn't understand why i have relied on him to fix things with my family. Maybe because it is only his to fix. And so the text kept going rehashing the same stuff, and if I answered his text rationally no way he could rebutt, another issue would come into the next text. It is like he is grabbing at straws so I will never win. It was nice to hear he was still thinking of me but NC for a week hasn't made him anymore keen or gain anymore clarity to save our relationship. My parents have been apart of my life for 31 years and no one has the right to interfere in that relationship. Cant he see that he has made me choose? As someone has told me before, anyone who loves and cares for you would want those that love me involved in my life, not use it as a negative. He says I am the one you should come to now we are engaged and I always did but look where it gets me, it is used against me and my parents. He seems to want to control everything, I call him on it and he said my parents are controlling. Doesnt he realise these are my parents, I would never speak about his in this way!

Hi, I'm struggling today, I have been made to feel guilty by my ex. I thought we had broken up officially a couple of weeks ago because he got sick of waiting around for me to clear my head. We had NC for a week and before that hadn't had even a day so I thought that was it, it was hard getting through each day but whenever I waivered I just had to read some of his text messages. Anyway i didn't removed my status on Facebook of Engaged, didn't feel ready for the whole world to know and wasn't ready to make that step. So he asked me after a week of NC am I still coming back (i'm interstate at the moment staying with my parents) to work and I said yes and then I got nice texts for the next few days. Then he asked am I going back to my parents after the work assignment and I was like yes I have nowhere else to go. He got very mad and said stop playing games I thought with your status you wanted to stay and work on things. I admitted I still loved him and my heart hadn't moved on but I thought I was over. I didn't mean to send him mixed signals but all the time I have been here he keeps blaming my parents and myself for what went on. He does say he has matured a lot and learned a lot from the relationship and he certainly did the wrong things but it is always with a but. (I abandoned him during the wedding talks, I am not united with him in the relationship, I need someone who is in love with me 150% (is that possible), I'm happier and back to being my old happy self possibly because I have all you out of my life, how cruel is that. Out of respect for you I am letting you know I'm going to move on with my life) I know he is hurting that is why he is lashing out but it seems when he isn't getting his own way he hurts me in the worst way possible. Its like because I might not be staying around I am the one responsible for this relationship ending. The things I mentioned in brackets are what he never gave me, I never had any emotional needs met, I was always trying to meet his. I find it so confusing as I feel so low at the moment maybe if I moved back I wouldn't feel like this but something holds me back, I think it is the worry I will end up feeling worse as nothing will change. He said I know I have talked a lot of bulls**t and excuses but what it comes down to is I don't like your mum, I was like okay not sure why as she hasn't done anything to you but why did you have to act on it. Plenty of people don't get along with their in laws but just tolerate for their partners sake, not mine! My feelings have never come into his head which I find really heart breaking as I mean more than that

Common theme around here.  Yet we stayed anyway.  This was and is a glaring question for me; why did I think that giving and giving was the best way to get?  And why did I keep giving even when she hurt me?  Processing... .

Has anyone ever written a letter with all your thoughts not expecting a response but only for yourself thinking it may be a way to get through to the rational side of his brain. I'm tearing my hair out at the moment as the door is open to me but am afraid to go back as I feel they will be his terms and we will repeat the same process. I have so much to lose going back yet not getting any assurances! How can I love him but hesitate to go back so confusing!