Worried of the long term affects of this

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone just have to say how this site has been my saving grace the last couple of weeks. As much as I have a lot of support around me, I don't think anyone truly understands how I feel except on here. My family are getting frustrated with me as they see me struggle they have experienced first hand what I was put through but right now I need their support and understanding.

I don't understand myself when I look back how I miss my fiance, he gave me no choice but to leave, he didn't fight for me and blames everyone else for our issues but himself. He has tried to isolate me from family and friends, been disrespectful to my parents face and I have been called moron sl**t stupid and told to f**ck off out of the house by the end of the month. Yet because of my resentment of him and how I have been distancing myself from him lately, our relationship has gone south. HE TOLD ME TO LEAVE. I have tried to talk to him but it's like talking to a brick wall, I have been to psychologists (who mentioned he may have BPD that's how I found this site) and relationship psychologists and he sits back at his farm wondering when im coming home, yet doing nothing to make me feel assured that this won't repeat itself. I am close to my family, yet I have had to hear him abuse them to me for 12 months, they aren't welcome on the farm, he will due before they see any grandkids and told me to talk to them about their involvement in my life or leave the farm. Now if my parents were too involved in our relationship I would say something but he is talking about their relationship with me which is none of his business and I have no problems with my parents. Looking back I think that might have been him isolating me from them.

That is a bit of history but as of yesterday I think it is officially ended, he doesn't see the real issues, or does he but admitting them would mean he was wrong? I would like to think he has a conscience, do BPD sufferers have one? I know I have done everything possible to make this work so take comfort in that, but I just want to be able to understand why he can't see what I see. Why is he willing to give up me and our future to me just for the sake of his pride, can't admit he was wrong. Just seems so very sad, he is going to be miserable for those reasons. Or will he be miserable? How do I move forward now knowing this could have been easily fixed by him? I have no closure?

[loz1982]

Hi everyone just have to say how this site has been my saving grace the last couple of weeks. As much as I have a lot of support around me, I don't think anyone truly understands how I feel except on here. My family are getting frustrated with me as they see me struggle they have experienced first hand what I was put through but right now I need their support and understanding.

I don't understand myself when I look back how I miss my fiance, he gave me no choice but to leave, he didn't fight for me and blames everyone else for our issues but himself. He has tried to isolate me from family and friends, been disrespectful to my parents face and I have been called moron sl**t stupid and told to f**ck off out of the house by the end of the month. Yet because of my resentment of him and how I have been distancing myself from him lately, our relationship has gone south. HE TOLD ME TO LEAVE. I have tried to talk to him but it's like talking to a brick wall, I have been to psychologists (who mentioned he may have BPD that's how I found this site) and relationship psychologists and he sits back at his farm wondering when im coming home, yet doing nothing to make me feel assured that this won't repeat itself. I am close to my family, yet I have had to hear him abuse them to me for 12 months, they aren't welcome on the farm, he will due before they see any grandkids and told me to talk to them about their involvement in my life or leave the farm. Now if my parents were too involved in our relationship I would say something but he is talking about their relationship with me which is none of his business and I have no problems with my parents. Looking back I think that might have been him isolating me from them.

That is a bit of history but as of yesterday I think it is officially ended, he doesn't see the real issues, or does he but admitting them would mean he was wrong? I would like to think he has a conscience, do BPD sufferers have one? I know I have done everything possible to make this work so take comfort in that, but I just want to be able to understand why he can't see what I see. Why is he willing to give up me and our future to me just for the sake of his pride, can't admit he was wrong. Just seems so very sad, he is going to be miserable for those reasons. Or will he be miserable? How do I move forward now knowing this could have been easily fixed by him? I have no closure?

[Ironmanrises]

Hi everyone just have to say how this site has been my saving grace the last couple of weeks. As much as I have a lot of support around me, I don't think anyone truly understands how I feel except on here. My family are getting frustrated with me as they see me struggle they have experienced first hand what I was put through but right now I need their support and understanding.

I don't understand myself when I look back how I miss my fiance, he gave me no choice but to leave, he didn't fight for me and blames everyone else for our issues but himself. He has tried to isolate me from family and friends, been disrespectful to my parents face and I have been called moron sl**t stupid and told to f**ck off out of the house by the end of the month. Yet because of my resentment of him and how I have been distancing myself from him lately, our relationship has gone south. HE TOLD ME TO LEAVE. I have tried to talk to him but it's like talking to a brick wall, I have been to psychologists (who mentioned he may have BPD that's how I found this site) and relationship psychologists and he sits back at his farm wondering when im coming home, yet doing nothing to make me feel assured that this won't repeat itself. I am close to my family, yet I have had to hear him abuse them to me for 12 months, they aren't welcome on the farm, he will due before they see any grandkids and told me to talk to them about their involvement in my life or leave the farm. Now if my parents were too involved in our relationship I would say something but he is talking about their relationship with me which is none of his business and I have no problems with my parents. Looking back I think that might have been him isolating me from them.

That is a bit of history but as of yesterday I think it is officially ended, he doesn't see the real issues, or does he but admitting them would mean he was wrong? I would like to think he has a conscience, do BPD sufferers have one? I know I have done everything possible to make this work so take comfort in that, but I just want to be able to understand why he can't see what I see. Why is he willing to give up me and our future to me just for the sake of his pride, can't admit he was wrong. Just seems so very sad, he is going to be miserable for those reasons. Or will he be miserable? How do I move forward now knowing this could have been easily fixed by him? I have no closure?

I am so sorry you are experiencing that.

I know it hurts.

Beyond.

You are in the right place... .

Where... .

We will understand you.

In bold.

He cant... .

Wont... .

Doesnt want to... .

Doesnt know how to... .

Does know but wont admit to it... .

Is it one... .

Or all the above... .?

See what you see... .

Because he has a disorder... .

Called BPD.

We are here for you.

Hang in there.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry you're hurting loz; lotsa stuff in your post and it's early, please stay here and keep talking.

BPD is a complex disorder.  There are a lot of good resources on this site, and I recommend you read as much as you can.  The lights were going on every day for me in the beginning, as I learned more and more that was 100% applicable to my situation, and echoed countless times by others here.  It is uncanny how common the stories are, and all of the information and other's experiences really, really helped me hold on to some sanity; the emotions were very strong, you can probably relate.

To address a few things, mine would never admit she was ever wrong about anything, always had many comebacks to whatever I brought up, and everything was always my fault.  As you learn about the disorder you'll see there must always be a scapegoat for a BPD to make sense of their reality, and it will always be us, there is no other way and the thought process is not rational.  Also, a BPD doesn't care about themselves at their core, so they can't care about us; trust the actions not the words, the words are whatever came to them at the time, the actions are the truth.  He can't see what you see because the disorder causes sufferers to live an entirely different reality, and trying to make sense of it is crazymaking, as you probably know.  A BPD is mostly miserable, the disorder is a living hell, but he will punctuate it with various impulsive actions in an attempt to soothe.  The only closure you will get you will need to give to yourself.

Enough for now.  The good news is it gets better as you detach, much better.  Although you have strong emotions, one of them might be a huge sigh of relief once you've stopped walking on eggshells all the time; my shoulders were spasming it got so bad, and the day I left her was the first time the spasms stopped and they relaxed in months.  Take care of you.

[fromheeltoheal]

Oh, I forgot to address the title of your post.  Bottom line: the long term effects have been awesome, which to me is really the gift of a BPD relationship.  The pain forced me to look at myself, because it does take two to tango, and the resulting growth has put me in a place where I feel a lot healthier, grounded and more optimistic than I did before I met her.  Something to focus on and look forward to?

[loz1982]

Thank you so much for your replies, it helps me a lot to have people understand. I gave so much of myself to make my fiance happy and the whole time I didn't realise I wasn't getting it reciprocated. I spoke to him how I feel and how he can make me feel and he said you make me sound like awful like I always treated you like that so I end up defending myself even though he knows full well we had some excellent times and he could be lovely to me. I did feel like I was walking in eggshells especially after making me clean the house top to bottom and then he would inspect each room and when he didn't like me relaxing at all during the day as there is always gardening to do if I have finished inside the house. I think that was his culture speaking. He says to me I'll still be single at 50 cause of my parents and I will realise how good he was to me in the future. Is there something wrong with my mum wanting to be part of my wedding day, she wasn't going to take over at all. Is a black and white nature common in a BPD sufferer, my fiance can't seem to cope with anything outside his norm, hence the wedding situation. His parents completely stayed out of it and because mine wanted to help, it was abominable for my fiance. They are just flowers for goodness sake, do BPD suffers realise how hurtful their actions are on others? Do they hear themselves sometimes and go geez that was rude? My fiance only admission to his problem is that he doesn't think before he speaks! Is it that simple? First day of no contact whatsoever, we spent 24/7 together so struggling today especially knowing he is prob scouting Internet sites looking for my replacement without a care in the world!

[fromheeltoheal]

I gave so much of myself to make my fiance happy and the whole time I didn't realise I wasn't getting it reciprocated.

Bingo!  They're crafty like that, and that might be your biggest area of growth moving forward.  Why did you do that?

I did feel like I was walking in eggshells especially after making me clean the house top to bottom and then he would inspect each room and when he didn't like me relaxing at all during the day as there is always gardening to do if I have finished inside the house.

Time for an upgrade girlfriend.

Is there something wrong with my mum wanting to be part of my wedding day, she wasn't going to take over at all.

To him there is; a BPD is all about control, since to him you are not two individuals, the two of you make up a whole, not in a good way, and he needs the upper hand in that whole.  Isolating you from everyone else is one tact to achieve that control.

Is a black and white nature common in a BPD sufferer

Extremely

Do BPD suffers realise how hurtful their actions are on others?

Sometimes, and it produces profound shame, all emotions to a BPD are profound, but BPD is a shame-based disorder, and that one usually sent mine, at least, over the edge; she'd get severely dysregulated, the attacks on me would get extreme, which is projection, and she'd look for ways to soothe; binge eating was a favorite.

First day of no contact whatsoever, we spent 24/7 together so struggling today especially knowing he is prob scouting Internet sites looking for my replacement without a care in the world!

You've got a lot of untangling to do, and you sound like a good person.  Breaking free might be a challenge, and it will be important, if you really are committed to taking care of you, to stay steadfast in your resolve, get support, and seek professional help if you need it.

He may seem cold and disconnected, but believe he's just doing what he needs to do to survive, which is a full time job, and it's not about you, it never was at the core, and that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the disorder.

[DragoN]

Great information heeltoheal.

knowing he is prob scouting Internet sites looking for my replacement without a care in the world!

If he were, would you want to marry him if he came back apologizing? The nasty abuses are then often followed by complete contrition and many tears. And the cycles get shorter and the nastiness worse over time.

[Sluggo]

My family are getting frustrated with me as they see me struggle they have experienced first hand what I was put through but right now I need their support and understanding.

Loz1982,

I understand what you are feeling with the family.  Over the 15 years of marriage I had begun to feel guilty and even sneaking around to talk with them.  And I only talked with them about once ever 2 weeks. 

My family got great understanding from the CD on 'Splitting' by Bill Eddie.  I gave it to them- and it was an hour car ride from them not understanding at all to after the 2 hours of listening- ok now I understand.  They started taking it less personally and they started having an understanding what I have been going through. 

That was a game changer for me with my family and their understanding me and my relationship with my dBPDw.

[maxen]

hi loz, i'm sorry about what you've been in and as others have said, we understand. this is a place to work out your feelings.

I end up defending myself

a frequent issue among those who are involved with BPDs. the blast of accusation leaves us off balance and we wind up apologizing for things that are 50% our responsibility, or less. i've done it, i bet all of us here have done it, don't be embarrassed by that.

[loz1982]

You are all helping me soo much. 2nd day of no contact, stalked his Facebook which he removed me from a month ago but that is it. Don't know what I would say if I text him anyway that is the sad part, not getting through to him and using all the energy I have left to try and do so.

He told me the next girl will be very lucky as he has learnt a lot from this, he had never lived with anyone before me so I guess I was like the test case unfortunately. They do say on here that living with them escalates their fear of abandonment as they come to rely on you more. He said how can we work this out if you are all the way interstate, making me feel guilty, I had no choice to move to my parents, I had nowhere else to go, he said the spare room at the farm was there but he doesn't realise that moving straight back in with him again wont change anything. If I had did that do you think he would've just thought right she is back now, I can treat her anyway I like and she will still come back?

I have been broken up with before but that was so straight forward they didn't want to be with me anymore, this is soo much harder, the lack of closure is heart wrenching particularly when you have both said you still love the other and he called me the love of his life a couple of days ago. Because I can't agree with him on one particular point, he can't let it go, doesn't matter that he made a 3 hour phone call to my parents saying they have f**cked up my life, that he abuses me physically(which he doesn't) and he will die before they see any grand kids. I'm the bad one for wanting my mum help with the flowers for the wedding and I didn't ask him first. I thought the control thing was just his background but now I see it is also a big thing with BPD sufferers. You are right about abuse escalating, over the last few months I can't do anything right and have been treated more like this worker than his partner. I never felt like I was walking beside him, always a step behind. He was brought up in a family that taught him from a young age the value of work, you had to work work work, didn't have much of a childhood and he hates it looking back on it now. His mum was so hard on him and his sister but he is now doing the same thing to me and seems to me like he wants me to be like this mum. He came out with these deeper issues a few weeks ago before I came over here, saying he was emotionally abused when he was younger and was now recognising he was doing the same to me. I need to go and see someone about it and I thought wow that explains a lot and it had me wavering whether I go back now that I knew this but a week later that is all forgotten and myself and my parents are to blame for where we are. He wonders why I am too scared to go back, he text me to say I need to realise what is important not to sweat the small stuff and was trying to build a rose garden for the future and didn't realise I had the roses right in front of me, meaning me. Then a week later said I was only saying that to make you feel better, didn't mean it. Trouble is I believe he does mean it at the time but for some reason doesn't want to lose face so retracts it. He did go to a psychiatrist mid year who didn't mention BPD to him but I think he used it as a blaming session rather than talking about anything deeper.

I'm sorry about the venting I guess trying to understand how I got here. I was in an emotionally abusive off and on relationship before him so maybe my self esteem was perfect for this, he was so attentive did everything he said he would in the beginning which was so different to what I was used to. Never had to second guess where his loyalties lied, was never worried about him cheating so no reason to be jealous. But maybe if I look at now it seems he revolved his life around me, my life is his life as mentioned above they can't see us as individual people. Lucky I kept my friends even though I was living an hour away and they have been amazing. I am very sad to lose his family and friends though, they were all lovely people that I made a lot of effort with. It disturbs me what he will tell them about myself and my parents but hope they know me well enough not to take too much notice!

[loz1982]

A question also even if my parents said nothing about the wedding my fiance would've found somrhibg else to have an issue with in the future... .

[Accepting]

Yeah, I come back to that point - being, that even if 'insert whatever here' happened differently, or I dealt with it differently, or said/didn't say something differently, or knew more about how to deal with someone suffering depression/grief/BPD/other - it would always have resulted in the same outcome... .

... .maybe it would have taken longer, maybe it would've meant a split for good much faster - but ultimately, I could not make this relationship and love work - no matter how much love and affection I feel for him.

[loz1982]

Very true accepting, I guess we have to resign yourself ourselves that our best is never going to be enough, anyone's best really. Has anyone ever experiences what you think is moments of clarity with their BPD partner? Meaning they seem to see the real issues for a time and you think you are getting somewhere only to have them revert back after a week? That is what I found most hard to deal with and why I kept giving the relationship ago. My fiance had a major breakdown on was meant to be our wedding day (it had been called off 5 months prior) and rang my parents for 3 hours and abused them much to my horror, I mean it was my wedding day too but I didn't react like that. Long story short I took myself away for awhile and he had said to my Im the problem Im getting help seeing a psychiatrist on medication so I thought there is more to this he can't help it so I went back. Only to have him a few months later take himself off his medication cold turkey without telling me. Mind you I could tell you the day he did it looking back as he became more antagonistic and not as relaxed. He has never been properly diagnosed, his mum suggested he go to her doctor as she is on medication for depression, anxiety and I believe she just gave him the same medication for that reason. A couple of weeks ago before I went interstate for some time out, he said he needs to get help as he thinks his childhood is still affecting him to this day and he was emotionally abused by his mum and now I am doing it to you. Made a lot of sense and softened me towards him, still I went away and then a week later, he is back to blaming myself and my parents. Do they really mean what they say sometimes but the reality of them admitting fault is too much for them to handle? Or are they just saying things we like to hear to get us back? My fiance has also said some really hurtful things to myself and my parents and says I know, I just go for the jugular, what can hurt the most! Surely this means they do have some sense they are hurtful? That they are not totally unaware of their impact on people?

Also do you struggle with the guilt is just thinking about the bad times to get through this but knowing there was also really really good times as well, I make my fiance sound like a monster and I know he's not.

[Accepting]

I felt with my situation he had definite moments of clarity and remorse but these were fleeting and on a cycle. The cycle itself did not always fit in to a pattern in the end. Early on in knowing him the cycle was fairly clean cut, but towards the end I didn't know which way he was going to go with things. He seemed far more lost in the abyss in his mind/emotions. It was as though relating to someone who was sometimes drunk, other times not... .and you don't know what you're going to get on any given day. It's random is what I'm trying to say - and from a clear mind it's very hard to get a grip on or try to understand - because it simply just is all muddled up in their own mind. That's why I am sincerely trying to now accept that he simply has an issue that I can not change and that this issue makes a relationship not possible for me. My needs will not be met, in fact, they will become less and less met the further along the path we go. So, I'm just trying to focus on walking away... .with compassion for both him and I. Compassion for him suffering this condition, and for myself in having been exposed to this experience and the feeling of a failed love - what I thought was a partner I'd grow old with.

[loz1982]

You sound like where I want to be, I haven't reached the acceptance stage yet still quite raw only on my 4th day of no contact. How long were you with your partner? What I also find really hard is in other relationships they have ended because someone has stopper caring and doesn't want to be with them anymore but for this situation, we both still love each other but you have tried your best but it still doesn't work! You think surely there must be something you can do or say but the reality is it's out of your hands. Hard to take!

[loz1982]

I also thought I would spend my life with him, was engaged and trying for kids, I guess in hindsight it's lucky we weren't successful conceiving. They say things happen for a reason I guess!

[Accepting]

We were in a crazy pattern of recycles (I only recognised it was a cycle half way through) for 19mths. I've had two longer relationships lasting 5 and 6yrs previously, so this was not so long... .but he made me feel for the first time in my life like I'd met someone on par with my way of thinking about life, my morals, my desires. I felt far more reciprocal love/emotion with him than I did with my ex who I owned an apartment with. Strange how it all just sucks you in. It was the first time in my life I have been with someone and not felt like 'there was still a man out there for me' - I just felt he was the one for me. He owned nothing though he had a great and stable job - and I felt like I'd happily forgo anything materialistic just to be with him - 'that I'd be happy to live in a cardboard box so long as he was with me'. It was very intense at the start and we communicated like crazy *in hindsight it was crazy  * - he wanted me to commit to him and I was hesitant about his fast paced request... .but I was drawn to him and trusted him. He spoke of how if I were to fall pregnant he'd happily have children with me and how he would love to wake with me every day though we never lived together... .we would laugh and have a ball, go on country drives and have home cooked meals. I'd sit on his kitchen bench in my pjs and slippers and it just felt like I was at home when we were together. I thought his issues were depression and grief related as he'd had a failed marriage and his mum passed away - but over time I saw cycles emerging, things he said didn't add up (like things were muddled in his mind; time line of events was skewiff), his comments on things from long ago lead me to realising that (as my mum suggested - good on you mum!) his issues seemed to stem from longer than his divorce or mother's death - all of a sudden, upon reading about BPD, everything just added up - and whilst it was a relief in ways to finally put two and two together on everything that happened, it also saddened me - cos suddenly I could no longer feel as though I was waiting for him to recover from grief or to get passed a phase of depression, suddenly I realised I was dealing with a whole lot more than that, a much longer problem. He has a tattoo on his back saying "save me from myself" - his school yearly class photos show him doing 'the finger', he talked about things which somehow I didn't put weight on till we went through our recycles - I didn't like these 'red flags' but didn't put enough weight on them - just brushed them as being school boy things. In hindsight it was all adding up to a long term behavioural issue/cycle - sad.

I am doing really well and I'm further along than you in the process - but it is hard. I cried a lot the other day - he didn't call me at all for my birthday or acknowledge it - I discovered he's on online dating after having proclaimed his deep need to have space from me to discover himself - he mentions reading the book I gave him for his birthday on his online profile and has named his alias after a punk band who I now see from their lyrics are dark and twisted - and he has used a pic that was especially taken from a friend for me of him. It's just weird. Even discovering his profile was strange - I was up late unable to sleep the week of my birthday, sick... and I was thinking of how we'd met online and something in me just wanted to check that he wasn't on there - I really didn't think he'd ever be back on the dating site - it was just a random thought and I felt like proving to myself that he wasn't on there again. He came up at the top of the list. I was so shocked I shook - all the talk about seeing a psychologist and needing to find himself and how he had lost himself in falling for me and how if I respected him and understood then I'd give him the space he needed to be by himself... .and there he was, on online dating, searching, hunting to replace me.

I think I'm accepting because I see the overall picture finally. When you're 'in it' it can be so hard to separate the reality from the emotions you're feeling. You want it to be the good without the bad... .but once you are away from them you realise the bad is so much part and parcel of them. When you haven't had this kind of relationship before, it's hard to believe the reality of such disordered thinking - you keep pushing aside the irregularities cos they just don't add up - you keep trying to piece it all together but then push aside the yucky parts cos the emotionally close parts are so enthralling and perfect, beautiful. I think I reached my tether in seeing him online on the dating site. Til that point, whilst I thought he had severe issues, I still always trusted in his word. Now that trust is broken and I have proof - I have to respect myself by walking away. It's nice to look after yourself and stand your ground.

[loz1982]

I too met my fiance online, I read somewhere that there is a high percentage of men online with BPD I'm not sure if that is true or not. My ex had told me before we had even separated officially that he is already online looking at other girls. I would not be surprised if I got on there and found him, that would prob help me move on quicker too, think that was also his way to get me to move back to the farm quicker. Talk about the wrong way to do it! I am already able to see why I should not be in this relationship so I am on my way I think! This had been my longest relationship but my others even though shorter were so much healthier looking back but you are right when you are in it, it just seems normal and you really hang onto the good times as the bad times kept coming more frequently!

I'm sorry to hear what you have been through, you do feel like the centre of their world no one has ever made you feel like this and you are so comfortable with them. It's such a shock when it all ends, I think how will I find that connection again then I think was it as real to them as us?

[Accepting]

The things you are wondering are often discussed on this site - I've been on about a month now - I read in the background before joining up. It's really helped, posting. Sharing experiences and getting an understanding - cos unless you've been in it, you just wouldn't 'get it' - and friends n family just don't understand why we return, why we're even spending a second's thought over these people who cause such emotional pain for us.

I feel like my ex did feel the same level of connection which I felt - in his clear moments. I do feel like he felt remorse for his behaviour and like he wished he could stop. He'd say that he felt that by being with me he felt he was putting himself at risk of being hurt more than he ever had hurt in his life (besides his mum passing) and that he pushed me away to try to save me from him - that he never meant to hurt me. He also said one recycle, leading to a recycle, that his psychologist said it was important for him to let me know that 'it was not my fault'. At that point, I still thought progress was being made in his therapy and that it was grief and depression, not something further. The more I discovered and the more 'answers' I got from the situation, the worse it became. Finding truths and putting two n two together only seemed to unravel our 'relationship' more. Whilst I felt 'a'ha!' moments, he just seemed to resign himself to my having discovered the truth - and he withdrew, gave up, pushed me away more. For me, I thought this was grounds for making more solidarity between us, to working towards 'making it work' but for him it obviously meant that I 'knew too much', could no longer be a part of things - had to be pushed away.

The last time we saw each other I stayed with him a few days, they were so perfect at times, amazing... .I remember thinking that if only I could stay frozen in time at that point - but alas, shortly after this (when I was feeling incredible about us), he withdrew and treated me to solid silent treatment. It's truly bizarre. What would lead most people towards wanting to spend more time together and commit further, instead has the opposite effect on them. I'm sad for him if anything, not angry... .I kind of pity him and empathise even thought I don't 'understand'. I understand now that there is such thing as BPD, but I really still can't say I get it.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

we would laugh and have a ball, go on country drives and have home cooked meals. I'd sit on his kitchen bench in my pjs and slippers and it just felt like I was at home when we were together. I thought his issues were depression and grief related as he'd had a failed marriage and his mum passed away

Accepting,

This is exactly the things I miss out and tares my heart up. Everything you described are the things I loved and miss the most. It's uncanny. He loved to cook. I remember in the morning or after work at night sitting in my pjs talking and laughing while he was cooking I felt like I was at home. Home in the real sense of this is what I've always been looking for this feels so perfect and meant to be. I have described it that way before too. I was never so happy than sitting there or being next to him while we were just driving aimlessly though the country laughing and talking. Him grabbing for my hand. Going on long walks together. The simple things. I am tearing up just thinking about it. And then suddenly out of nowhere he could get so angry over nothing and my world would be ripped apart. Anger silent treatments were excruciating for me.

I had also had thought he was suffering from depression. Mainly from his mothers death. She died a month before we got together. It's been 4 years since her death and he is mourning like it was yesterday. Not to minimize it but the level of grief never subsided at all.  I have my theories on the that. He left me on my birthday... .So much of what you have written I thought is this the same guy. If it wasn't for the tatoo I would be convinced it was.

Sorry for what you are going through. I know.

[fromheeltoheal]

Good thread.  I thought about the clinical side of BPD reading your posts.  BPD's are hypersensitive and constantly looking for signs that we think they are flawed and/or thinking about abandoning them.  It can be something as little as the way we say something, a slight look on our face, a random sigh, that they interpret as the definitive proof we disapprove and are leaving.  The hardest part for me was just getting too comfortable in the relationship meant to her I was no longer trying and ready to leave, ridiculous, but very real to her.  So the BPD gets triggered, meaning strong emotions come up, they lack the ability to soothe, and the best defense is a strong offense, so they lash out.  It's not about us, it is not rational, and there is no sitting down and talking through anything; the emotions are too strong, and a BPD cannot admit they did anything wrong because that means they are flawed and again you'll leave.  So we're left sitting there in complete shock wondering what the hell just happened, undefinable, but of course it's all our fault.  Bet you guys can relate.

[Accepting]

Iwalkheruns,

It's uncanny the similarities in these relationships isn't it? But then I guess when we sit down with others and relate experiences in life, we often are surprised about what we have in common... .things we thought we felt that others don't etc. Sometimes though, with these relationships, the similarities are mind blowing.

To ease your mind further, I'm in Australia I'd hate to think we were talking about the same guy... .that'd just be a little too close to home for comfort wouldn't it?  

I miss those simple things the most. It's the reason I tried so hard to make it work - cos the parts that were so joyful were those that I consider 'real', the important stuff - just falling asleep with him was so much more comforting that falling asleep with partners in the past - I could fall asleep with his arms around me whereas with exes I remember asking to have my fair share of the bed and doona ! haha. There was just something innately comforting about being close to him. He also did things physically (not just sex) that was different to things I experienced in the past - focusing on scent and touch and connecting eyes more than I'd had before. It all seemed to throw me off guard but compel me to him even more. How they draw us in and get us addicted huh?

It's almost 1am in Australia... .I just finished my studies for this module ... yay! Finally a night where thoughts of him haven't intercepted my study too much to focus properly.

[Accepting]

heeltoheal, this is the cycle that takes ages to work out but once you have you get little reprieve in your 'a'ha!' moments because before you know it, the very putting two n two together that you've just spent so much time pondering, only leads to your ex doing the disappearing act - leaving you even more utterly shell shocked!

[fromheeltoheal]

heeltoheal, this is the cycle that takes ages to work out but once you have you get little reprieve in your 'a'ha!' moments because before you know it, the very putting two n two together that you've just spent so much time pondering, only leads to your ex doing the disappearing act - leaving you even more utterly shell shocked!

Yes, and the motivation behind the disappearing act is leave before they get left, since they now think you're on to them, which you are.

I didn't hang around that long.  I have to be able to talk about what's going on with me, and her, and have the ability to problem solve together, otherwise the relationship will never work.  There was absolutely none of that with us, everything was always my fault, she always needed to be in control, and she wouldn't meet me in the middle, no way.  Sorry, gotta go.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

His idealization was so convincing and I thought it was so real. I would actually challenge anyone that says they would not fall for it. It was that great. I felt like I had never had a purer love (except for my son). Of course I know now it was one sided and I was deceived.

To answer this post directly. I will someday stop grieving I suppose but I am really worried I will never be able to fully trust someone again. Being a trusting and not jealous person is something I thought was a good thing about me. I knew he left me for someone else but I just found out the other day that he was seeing a nurse at work all the while he was looking in my eyes telling me I am the only one for him. How do you recover from something like that?

[fromheeltoheal]

His idealization was so convincing and I thought it was so real. I would actually challenge anyone that says they would not fall for it. It was that great. I felt like I had never had a purer love (except for my son). Of course I know now it was one sided and I was deceived.

I was very susceptible when she showed up, and within a couple of days we were talking literally all night on the phone, 9 full hours at a time, and had shared intimate everything, relationships, family, sex, infidelity, exes, the whole nine.  It felt both weird and a dream come true, I now realize it was way too much way too early, but I was enjoying the hell out of that buzz.

I will someday stop grieving I suppose but I am really worried I will never be able to fully trust someone again.

I say the trial by fire made me far more wary, and aware of what I'm thinking and feeling, and I really don't see myself falling for that again.  Strong, healthy boundaries, a focus for me lately, will make folks earn the right to my vulnerability, and trust is built, not assumed.

How do you recover from something like that?

By realizing it for what it was: a lesson it was time for us to learn, and the teacher showed up wrapped in borderline pathology.  It takes two to tango, we fell for it, and the resulting growth borne out of pain will raise the bar for future mates and make our next relationship healthier.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Thanks heeltoheal. I like your name.

You are right about everything you said. I know for a fact that I will never be with someone who rages, silent treatments, talks to me with disrespect... .The thing I find the hardest and most hurtful out of all of it though is the deceit and cheating. I really did not know and even nons can do this too. He was so good at hiding it. How do I protect myself from things I have no control over?. If I do go into a new relationship and he could be the most faithful person but how will I ever know for sure and I don't want that to effect my behavior and possibly ruin something good. I feel like he took that away from me because he showed me how deceitful people can be . I get that that is a chance in every relationship but having lived it I could not go through that again. I will work hard to reconcile it but to answer the post question that for me is the long term effect I will have to deal with.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Feeling a little sensitive right now. Just got back from getting tested. Hopefully no long term effects of that kind. Talked to the doctor who was both of ours and it resurfaced a lot of feelings. Not only does cheating damage you emotionally but they put your health in jeopardy with out a second thought. Also, I had breast cancer (twice) and lost my longtime job while we were together and he acted like the rock for me through this. He didn't even care enough to not heap more on me.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks heeltoheal. I like your name.

You are right about everything you said. I know for a fact that I will never be with someone who rages, silent treatments, talks to me with disrespect... .The thing I find the hardest and most hurtful out of all of it though is the deceit and cheating. I really did not know and even nons can do this too. He was so good at hiding it. How do I protect myself from things I have no control over?. If I do go into a new relationship and he could be the most faithful person but how will I ever know for sure and I don't want that to effect my behavior and possibly ruin something good. I feel like he took that away from me because he showed me how deceitful people can be . I get that that is a chance in every relationship but having lived it I could not go through that again. I will work hard to reconcile it but to answer the post question that for me is the long term effect I will have to deal with.

Yeah, I get it.  In the beginning my borderline used to say "just don't tell him (or her)" to a lot of things, which I realize now is a red flag, but I ignored it at the time; she lived in a world of secrets and no one ever got to know the real her, probably because there wasn't one, it was all an illusion.  But at least I know what I wanted, a deep emotional bond and true intimacy, and you can't get there if you're always keeping yourself from people.  She was not faithful to me, I knew it, and I sense she knew I knew it, and I think that's true in any relationship.  If one partner cheats, an emotional distance grows in the relationship, and the other partner either notices and brings it up, or let's it go, but to me it's pretty obvious if you are close.  Of course if we're that close my partner isn't going to cheat anyway, since the emotional distance happens before the physical transgression, except with a borderline, who has sex outside the relationship as a soothing tool, and doesn't consider it cheating.

Feeling a little sensitive right now. Just got back from getting tested. Hopefully no long term effects of that kind. Talked to the doctor who was both of ours and it resurfaced a lot of feelings. Not only does cheating damage you emotionally but they put your health in jeopardy with out a second thought. Also, I had breast cancer (twice) and lost my longtime job while we were together and he acted like the rock for me through this. He didn't even care enough to not heap more on me.

I'm glad you made it through the Dr appointment, I can imagine that was difficult.  Good luck with the test results, hopefully he didn't share more than is wanted.

Mine turned it around on me: I was tired of her crap one day, said so, and she chose to tell me I gave her HPV as her comeback, and she had sores on her vagina and mouth, and was very upset.  We were apart physically for a few weeks then, so I never saw any of that, and turns out it was all a lie.  The lengths to which they'll go to avoid shame and guilt are amazing.

[Accepting]

Feeling a little sensitive right now. Just got back from getting tested. Hopefully no long term effects of that kind. Talked to the doctor who was both of ours and it resurfaced a lot of feelings. Not only does cheating damage you emotionally but they put your health in jeopardy with out a second thought. Also, I had breast cancer (twice) and lost my longtime job while we were together and he acted like the rock for me through this. He didn't even care enough to not heap more on me.

Hopefully you are fine. I've not been tested since my relationship with him ended but I've not been with anyone either. I did freak a little seeing his dating profile as I suddenly realized my trust was not deserved and I could have been with a cheating man. Not nice - I can't imagine how hard actually having proof that he was cheating is. I don't want to know any more than I already do. Just know that it's robbing oneself of something real when they do something like that... any instant gratification is blown away in the wind. I'd much rather loving connection that was genuinely reciprocated. We will find love and trust again.

Like you, I too was ill when with him - for the first time in my life i had a fairly debilitating sickness and whilst getting over it towards a year into knowing him I too was made redundant. More uncanny similarities. He always proclaimed concern but his actions were the opposite. He likely prolonged my recovery due to emotional stress. I got better and got a new career as well as studying during the last half of knowing him and he said he was so happy for me and proud but then he almost tore me back down all over again in a recycle and I've had to recognize that all the hard work I keep putting in to better myself is ruined when I involve myself with him. I need to be by myself or with someone who enhances me... .not someone who's toxic to us both.

There's a lot of good people out there. I now want to meet someone truly amazing. Someone who really is what they portray.