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When we were in the devalue stage of our relationship, my uBPDexgf began having severe stomach problems, vomiting in the middle of the night (she actually thought she was pregnant), panic attacks and she would get a burning sensation in her ears and the tip of her nose. I am wondering, has anyone else had an experience like this where your pwBPD would have somatic illness associated with the devaluation or discard stage? Is this common?

Mine had hypochondriac tendencies, though not as bad as some. The thing that scares me is that I am starting to see them in our S3! I try to nip it in the bud now, but at 3? Seriously? "If it ain't bleedin' or broken, it ain't worth cryin' over. And then, not so much, unless it's spurtin'."

My diagnosed bipolar/borderline ex wife had some issues toward the end of our time together.  During some horribly toxic times she would suffer from a mysterious rash all over her body.  Red bumps and itching, with no apparent cause, would afflict her entire body.  She blamed it on stress.  I think it was the massive amount of deception and betrayal leaching out of her soul.  I believe psychosomatic responses can occur in such cases.

Fiddlestix

Mine had exceptionally high blood pressure for most of the time we were together and had started to develop migraines towards the last 3 months of our relationship he also developed possible cancerous lesions in his throat the month we broke up.

I didnt stick around for his diagnosis. 

She was sick often when she was in the inbetween stage of cutting off her previous ex and solidifying the relationship with me. I'm not sure how much of it was due to lowered immune system due to alcohol and drug abuse tho. She was much healthier the last month before I left, but she did suffer insomnia which I believe was due partially to the anxiety of always wondering when I'd drop her a$$.

Amazing! Mine began to experience these physical symptoms very strongly when she was basically cutting me off and jumping into a relationship with my replacement. This disorder is so crazy!   

Headaches, back aches, sinusitis, sore ears, upset stomach.

Many times these appeared just before a push period, or were used later as reasons for bad behavior.

The way I understand it, a lot of the physical problems are results of a body that is almost as dysregulated as a BPD mind -- the bodily systems are exhausted from constant over-activation, and that causes a lot of chronic, stress-related illnesses.  The physical symptoms are real, and based in the body,  but the ways they are used to manipulate others/excuse behavior/ etc. are tied into the mental/emotional piece of the disorder.

Well said, r&f.  I'm sure the stress does cause a lot of physical symptoms which may or may not be psychosomatic, but seem real to the pwBPD.  One time when my Ex was having stomach issues I went to a Dr. appointment with her, at her request, and afterwards asked the Dr. what I could do to help.  He replied, don't come to these appointments!  Nothing was wrong and I'm sure he suspected my Ex was just looking for attention, which is pretty typical for a pwBPD.  Lucky Jim

Mine had constant sinusitis, back problems, knee problems, stomach problems, headaches, problems with muscles in hand, sleep apnea, tired a lot and he is a big strapping healthy looking guy who looks young for his age. Always wondered the connection. I have read somewhere there is.  Also extreme anxiety issues where he somewhat abuses xanax. I have also done research and xanax is one of the worst things you can take for BPD. It Has a paradoxical effect. More anxiety, more anger... .

Mine had deep vein thrombosis. For real! No has blood clots in his lungs!

Interesting... .I never heard about the adverse effects Xanax might cause for BPDs.  The first of two docs that diagnosed my wife also prescribed Xanax for her, so this is obviously a red flag regarding the physician's capability for treating BPD.  My wife generally used it to help her sleep, and I didn't really notice any issues with her use, though she did grow to depend on it a bit more than she should.  I did encourage her to skip some nights in an effort to ensure she didn't develop any real physical dependence.  She eventually discontinued using it altogether. 

Hilarious mine thinks she has nonstop blood clots going to her heart.   Always has heart pain from it.   Sad thing is she taught kids this.  Anytime she had pain she would drink an ounce of alchohol or rub it on her legs.   She thought it thinned her blood and stopped the clot.

I couldn't tell from Century's post if the deep vein thrombosis in her ex was real, or imagined.  (Not sure if that "no" was a typo, or not).   

Mine had all sorts of health problems, too -- part of the reason she weaseled her way into my sympathy so easily, since I am a chronic illness sufferer myself (I had Lyme disease that wasn't treated when I first got infected, so I have some lasting problems from that). 

The thing is, chronic, prolonged activation of the stress systems in the body does cause real and lasting changes to the immune system, and to just about every other bodily system too. If one is subjected to early, prolonged stress and  trauma (which most BPD folks were), the body develops in a state of chronic stress, and that does cause real, physical problems.  So, my take on it is that the pain and suffering is very physical, and very real, for a lot of these people. Add to that, the pain-relay systems in the body seem to get about as dysregulated as the emotional relay systems, so the sensation of pain becomes hugely magnified.

The problem is that when you have a BPD person, what would be a minor event to a non, often becomes a HUGE event.  Take, for example, the splinter that my ex got in her foot, as we were getting ready to go to a concert.  WOW, the world is ending, she has a splinter in her heel!  Drop everything! Everyone needs to cancel going to the concert so we can take her to the EMERGENCY ROOM to get the SPLINTER OUT OF HER HEEL!   (I didn't cancel going, btw, and somehow, miraculously, she managed to go too).

It makes it hard to know when something is serious, and when it isn't. Often any hint of disbelief on my part (real or imagined), or of thinking that she was blowing something out of proportion, brought on a rage.

The really sad part is that these people then get labeled as hypochondriacs, and aren't taken seriously when something actually does go wrong in the body.  And for non-BPD people, who have difficult-to-diagnose or chronic illnesses, it isn't uncommon to have their symptoms blown off as being imaginary, because doctors are quick to label invisible symptoms as "psychosomatic."  It's a mess!

I do have to say that the "alcohol on the legs" cure for "blood clots" is a pretty creative one, and that gave me a chuckle.

Mine told me... .

Towards the end of idealization... .

That her skin... .

Was becoming so sensitive... .

That me merely touching her... .

Would cause it to feel... .

Like it was burning her.

Also complained of various ailments... .

Headaches... .

Migraines... .

Irritable bowl syndrome... .

Which increased... .

In devaluation.

Not that having headaches... .

And IBS... .

Signifies BPD... .

It doesn't... .

I know.

But it increased significantly... .

In that time period.

All of those conditions are stress-mediated -- and during devaluation, our partners tell us about their pains a lot more than they do during idealization, I think.  It's yet another guilt inducing, sympathy inducing way to get what they are needing.   

Mine also liked xanax, although I wasn't sure how she got it and I'm pretty sure she couldn't get it on a consistent basis since she didn't have a prescription. Also, she would take serotonin (5-HTP) every day.

My experience was very similar. She began complaining of stomach pains when devaluation started and as the relationship got deeper,the stomach pains became more frequent. Then the vomiting in the middle of the night, making sure that I woke up with her to listen to her puke. In the later stages of devaluation, and ultimately discard, she had frequent stomach pain (every day) and she started having panic attacks and weird physical problems associated with those attacks. There has to be a reason for all of that?    

My dBPDw has had her appendix, gall bladder, tounsils, adnoids, vein stripping  2 times each leg, and has had had multiple cortisone hits in her back all in a span of 8 years all for pain reasons.  She doesnt take the pain medicine but more than a couple days after each surgery- so it is not to get the meds.  I think she feels very soothed by the attention she gets from the docotr and people who come t I her aid.  I can see her spirits lift up during these times.   About 3 years ago finally a  doctor said that there isnt anything else that ciuld be wrong except that u are depressed or it is mental. 

What is interesting after BPDw got with a new man magically all her physical ailments stopped.

She gave up on doctors and ER visits after a number of years.  They caught on and wanted to treat her for mental problems.  So she started going to non-traditional medicine.   I am pretty sure they knew she was nuts, but had no problem taking my money laughing to the bank.

Yes, he said it was IBS.  Always tummy stuff, always seemed to get worse before we were going to meet friends or go on a trip or go to marriage counseling or basically when he was angry at me.  I'm sure some of it was stress and some was real and some was just him making excuses.

So interesting that fiddlestix mentioned a rash... .

My guy displayed hypochondria when under BPD relation-related stress, during "crisis" moments where his abandonment and/or engulfment fears would set in towards me and/or his ex. Sometimes he'd freak out and leave him for me, or me for him; would push him to pull me and vice versa. It often felt like he set things up as a triangle so that he never got too attached to either of us and so that when he felt like he was getting in "too deep" with one of us, could use the fear of losing the other as an "out" to prevent the engulfment. It was odd, it was almost like he strategically used his abandonment fears to "balance" his engulfment fears by suspending himself in the tension between two of us like that.

Anyway, lots of hypochondria, yes. He'd say he "felt unwell" and report vague physical symptoms during these stressful moments for him like a headache, stomach ache, sore throat, fatigue. He would then be terrified that it was some fatal illness, especially HIV (which specifically seems connected to sexual guilt and gay-related ambivalence) and seek out several different doctors' opinions etc etc.

Specifically, during this last crisis (which lasted several months of devaluing me until he finally broke free of me again to go back to the ex) he had a rash or eczema that he broke out in. It may have really just been related to his allergies (he had a lot) or just some other cause (lots of people get minor eczema like that) but I also think now there is a big chance it was purely stress-related or psychosomatic related to the relationship freak-out again.

Either way, whatever the cause, he interpreted it again in a terrified fashion, thought it might be HIV (though he is not high risk at all; he's only been with me and the ex in the past four years, and didn't do any high-risk activity with either of us... .), went to a bunch of doctors, tried to cut out gluten (but only did it for 10 days and then decided it wasn't that, even though to see results you'd have to try abstaining for at least 6-8 weeks), told me he had prepared a letter for his family in case he was dying. It all seemed absurd to me.

When I later learned about BPD, I thought that hypochondria under stress like this probably fulfills the conditions for symptom 9: "Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation"

The last year of our relationship found him cycling through IBS, panic attacks, depression, back pain, stomach pain.  Within 2 months after we broke up he had his gall bladder removed.  I don't know if he's any better, in any way- but I can almost bet you that he's not.

Really great observations about the stress related paranoid ideation, UmbrellaBoy -- it sounds like that is exactly what is going on with your ex. 

I think that, on some subconscious level, my BPDxW "enjoyed" it when she was in poor health, because it brought her attention and sympathy.  Yet she cried wolf so many times that eventually I took her health concerns with a grain of salt, so this approach ultimately yielded diminishing returns in terms of attention and sympathy.

Luck Jim

Mine was losing weight, cracking teeth through grinding, stomach pains and head aches... .all my fault of course.

Wow! Reading all this is very insightful my ex suffered from everything too... .ibs, stomach pains, neuralgia, constantly had a cold, tonsillitis, headaches, toothaches, muscle aches... .I could go on... .he lost a tremendous amount of weight in such a short space of time too I'd say he was around 11 and a half stone when I met him and he looked good, very attractive, he was never fussy about his food and how much he ate (although he's a vegetarian) but now he's got very picky with what he eats and has lost around the 2 stone mark... .I don't even want to know what he looks like as I've not seen him in such a long time albeit to say I think he has an eating disorder... .no I don't think he has an eating disorder I KNOW he has.

This is interesting.  My xBF did have a lot of physical ailments.  But the last few weeks of our rs, why he was pushing me away hard, he had terrible neck and shoulder pain.  Debilitating.  It could have been all the stress and confusion he was feeling about the rs.  He's all better now. 

Wow... .again just so blown away by the similarity of symptoms amongst folks. My ex broke out in rashes, seemed to hurt herself a lot, would obsess over eating & body issues, and had a major breakdown after breaking a bone. I know broken bones cause a lot of pain but I've never seen anyone wail like this & I've seen people in great pain from serious disease & accidents. This also begs another question:

Do BPDs sometimes not react well at all to painkillers? I've been wondering if the painkillers initiated a major long rage period as the timing matches up. It could also be related to subsequent lack of exercise & work distraction after injury.

Haven't seen this one yet in the thread, despite all the tummy problems:

diverticulosis/diverticulitis

My uBPDh recently had a couple inches of his large intestine removed. The doc said it was all out of shape and useless. Stuff was getting impacted in there and infected, sending him to the hospital once a year. The cause? Well, the predisposition is hereditary, but all the yoyo-ing on his food intake and weight has got to be the main cause. He binges on high-sugar and fatty foods; his weight can range from close to normal to just over the line into obesity. When he binges he will eat a huge quantity in one sitting, then hibernate for a full day.

My bf will vomit when he is very stressed. He also has problems with eating. The vomiting thing happens when he is dysregulated and/or angry with me particuarly.

mine would get ' migraine' and go to bed really early, however I have friends with migraine and none of them could contemplate sex whilst having a migraine episode, mine did, so conclusion, ' notice me, save me, love me '  or else! also back and shoulder pains, panic attacks that she didn't tell me about, extreme tiredness, or was that just cutting off from un bearable feelings? they are a conundrum!

Geez Calm Waters, I forgot about the migraine thing!  You could have been writing about my exbf. 

Wow,my exBPD always " experienced" pains in his chest( the place where his heart should have bin, it became patently obvious he didnt actually have one, usually after hed been yelling or having some sort of conflict either with me or someone else, he said it felt like a heart attack...



H

It has been shown that stress can cause chest pains.   I think BPD are always having anxiety problems.  My wife had chest pains every day.   She assumed it was blood clots going to her heart!

[/quote]
It has been shown that stress can cause chest pains.   I think BPD are always having anxiety problems.  My wife had chest pains every day.   She assumed it was blood clots going to her heart![/quote]


Quite right,he was always reckles too, always had a cut somewhere, wouldnt take care of them, said he loved scars,he was always picking at something, in the last year he developed a pimple on the side of his left eye, hed just pick and pick and pick, I told him to just leave it, get some cream, something, but he never did, I bet hes still at it... also 1 time he had a really bad toothache, I mean bad, he refused to go to the dentist said he didnt like them, we, well I slept with the windows open in winter for about a month, he SAT UPRIGHT, in bed for that long because of the pain, in the end he pulled out his tooth with a pair of pliers, he was so proud, because thats what his dad had done.

That was one of the saddest moments I ever experienced.

Funny mine did the same thing,

He is 39 years old and constantly complained of back, shoulder, stomach issues and being exhausted. He would sleep ALL day. Come down at like 1-3pm or even past that because he didn't want to deal with my girls when they came home at 4. My current boyfriend is 50 and he works hard at physically and mentally at a job for 13 hours straight. He never complains. He is able to leave work issues at work and come home present with family (no complains). He always gets up positive and happy. Only time he says if he is in pain is with his shoulder (old injury). I am always happy to rub ICE/HOT for him or massage it. He always so great!

BPD ex would take all sort of vitamins and I am thinking you eat crap! You don't even work out! How is THAT suppose to make you FEEL BETTER?

He would get chest pains a lot too. He told me it was me causing all this. His recent email said now his health has improved 100%. Mmmmm... ok.

On the other side for those of us that have dealt with BPD partner do you FEEL any of these symptoms?

I left in June, and now I am physically exhausted. I also have had 3 major heart surgeries and I maybe facing 4th on top of being on heart meds now. My energy level is no where near it used to be. I lived on the surge of adrenaline for years. If I wasn't well I had an ability to shove it. Keep going. I can't do it that anymore now. I dislike my current state. My heart goes haywire, I am very tired, I find myself sleeping a lot. I eat great, I work out (body permitting) and I go out as well. Just there are times I Just can't push myself at all.

Anyone experienced a burnt out phase? When you can finally feel release and able to really let go and not push yourself?

I made a mistake LOL oops

During the R/s it was always self diagnosed kidney infections to imply that I had been sexually active with other women, because that's the only reason she gets them!

During the prolonged detachment phase, it was constant back pain with an unidentifiable source.

Mine has suffered from extreme panic attacks and anxiety - panic attackes have been constant for more than 20 years - he has been on xanax for about 15 of those ...

Hey guys, I want to point something out here.  Not all those symptoms are a manipulation or lie I would guess.  I have struggled with extreme panic attacks and have gone through 3 different phases in my life (I am only 33) where I had trouble even leaving my own home.  I have also had periods where I would break out in hives and maybe twice in my lifetime a strange rash that doctors could not determine what was causing them.  Those two lasted for several weeks (5 to 7 I think) and only steroids helped.

Anyway - many of those symptoms are our bodies going haywire from stress, pressure and fear.  I would say emotional pain triggers a lot of the symptoms mentioned.

I think SOME of this is real for them - and it is because even if consciously they are rewriting the reality, their subconscious knows the truth and they are overwrought probably with mostly shame.

For me, I am realizing the trigger around my anxiety is relationship fear.  The first time it got that severe I was 20, had opened my first business, was going through a bunch of break up / bf sleeping around / make up cycles with my first "love"/long term relationship.  I thought it was the combination of the stress.  But then it started happening when I moved in with my exh and we were getting married (and I was constantly trying to cheer him up/deal with his major depressive episodes).  And then here recently, when I filed for divorce the panic started again.  BAD.

Anyway - I think for them it can be real too. 

HOWEVER - to add to what you all are saying, I DEFINITELY noticed my exh using ailments for attention or to get me to feel sorry for him.  There were times where he made things up or over played them for sympathy as well as to get out of things.  Especially if it was something he felt like it would make him look crappy to flake out on - he would use some excuse of a physical ailment to get out of it and not have to look bad.  Can't tell you how many times that happened so I went to my family event alone and came home to him piddling away on some project he had all, all better all the sudden.

Yes rashes that would go up the back of her neck into her hair, always flaky scalp from it. Always had bruises and was recovering from some accident or other. Always a pervasive feeling of ill health, alcoholic skin on her face, slight smell of urine, aches and pains generally. I thought most of it was due to stress and alcohol.

Certainly, Lady31, I would not hastily chalk up pwBPD's physical ailments to hypochondria.

As noted in my H's case above, his eating disorder of binging plus inactivity is probably the cause of his diverticulitis. In other words, the maladaptive behaviors of pwBPD can often result in serious physical medical ailments.

Today he is immobilized with back pain. That is real, too, and related to his BPD. His yoyo-ing weight seems to have thrown his back out of kilter early in life, then in a rush to "fix it" he went in for experimental surgery that made the problem worse, and permanent.

Oy vey.

Hi - I think this is a really interesting question.

Given that BPD is an EMOTIONAL DYSREGULATION disorder... .and that there is a clear and measurable link between emotions and physical health... .

Mind-body health is an area I've done a lot of reading about. There are reams of studies showing the connection between our emotions and our body/health (one book on this is Dr. Gabor Mate, When the Body Says No).

My former partner was highly AVOIDANT - he was unable to admit to or express ANY negative emotions (fear, anger, etc.) On the other hand, he was highly expressive of positive emotions -- and was wonderful to be around when he was feeling them.

I was very aware with him that he had a LOT more health stuff on a regular basis than me or any of my close friends who have similar healthy lifestyles. He ate very healthy, didn't drink or do toxic substances, exercised adequately, didn't have a high-stress job or life... .YET, he experienced:

* Chunks of his hair falling out and permanent random hair loss on his head - due to "stress" -- this was during his marriage (before me) and while over-performing at his then-job... .we talked about this quite a bit during our r/s and identified his insecurity and need to "please" and get validation which led to him working WAY more than he needed to or was paid for... .

* Sleep apnea (?) waking in the middle of the night unable to breathe, disturbed sleep

* Recurring episodes of kidney stones

* Joint pain coinciding with times when upset about something

* Neck pain (esp. if we were having a conflict)

* Eczema at random times

* Mysterious ballooning weight gains around his abdomen which would come and go -- many tests and doctors visits about these, nothing any tests could determine

* Severe case of a dizziness/balance disorder this past spring coinciding with the purchase of our apartment (which was one of the last steps out of the way so I could move to be with him - we were LD) - he was unable to work for 3 weeks

* Oversleeping and very fatigued when there was any r/s conflict (escape)



Same for me! At the discard, he basically inferred that our r/s was "making him" unwell - and referred to some of these things, in particular the stomach and dizziness - and insinuated (there were never any SPECIFICS given -- totally passive-aggressive) that he had to leave the relationship for his health and that being with ME made him unwell (ever a victim of controlling, suffocating women - sorry for the sarcasm, but that's what he told me about his former partner and why he felt so unwell with her... .and naive me... .I believed him).

Which in a way I believe was the truth. There was so much repressed emotion in him b/c he could not be emotionally honest that I believe it DID lead to illness in his body. When he was happy and everything was peachy and easy in the idealization stage, his health was the best it had ever been. People commented on how great he looked. Hmm. Did I cause him to repress his feelings and get sick? No. HE did that. In one of a few short emails that followed the discard he said (very sensitively... .given that I was by then in full PSTD and trauma) that he felt great since he'd cut off the relationship. Well, yeah, makes sense... .no more r/s, no more having to hide all that stuff... .no more having to face me and own the hurtful consequences of his actions... .

However, I don't believe a person can habitually do this and maintain health. So the "feeling good" will I believe be temporary. As soon as new circumstances trigger repressing the same emotions, the build-up (and health issues) will start again.

Hey Discovery,


My bf dumped me in June for a 12 day period - we are still together. He had stomach and sickness problems before. He also said the same to me after that NC period that he felt physically great now. So hurtful! And your observation as to why that is is the same conclusion I came to!

Of course the other reason he could have felt better was that at the start of that NC period he finally went to the doctor and got stomach meds - duh!. But still he insisted that I was making him ill and therefore it was my absence that was making him better.

My borderline ex put a well above average burden on the health care system, which is the norm for the disorder.

She went to the doctor when we were together, to get her blood pressure checked and because she was feeling "sick", got a prescription from the doctor, filled it, and turns out it was anti-anxiety medication she doesn't remember talking to the doctor about.  I can only imagine what the vibe was in that exam room with the doc, but what and anxiety-fueled disconnect.

Discovery -

Thanks for posting! You actually made me open my eyes and see, or maybe just remember the painful memory, of my uBPDexgf implicitly trying to pin her stomach ailments and stress on me and the relationship. Our relationship was long distance at the end and every time I would get ready to fly to her city, she would tell me that her stomach was acting up. She never said that it hurt, but that it was an almost nervous feeling - I was flattered. I believed that she was getting butterflies because I, the one she loved, was coming to see her. I would mention this to her and she would say "maybe." However, after a few visits she would make it seem like the feeling was uncomfortable for her and she didn't like it - it wasn't the good type of nervous. I realize now that she was trying to imply that I was the cause of this and she wasn't sure why I caused that reaction in her. I don't know whether to believe that I was close enough to elicit that type of response, or if I really was a cause of hurt for her - it drives me nuts thinking about. It's such a strange disorder.