BPDFamily.com

So, as many of you might know, I work with my ex. It is really tough. I have been doing well. I keep my contact with her to a bare minimum. She has been texting me some and exhibiting some pull behavior that I wont get too specific about. Yesterday she contacted me saying she wants to meet up and have a face to face conversation. We talked on the phone(well, i mostly listened). She wants to explain to me what happened when we got into the argument that we eventually split up over. She says there are some things I deserve to know.

Of course, there are some things I want to say too. Have any of you had your ex reach out to you in a way like this?

Yeah after the second time we split she wanted to meet up so she could explain the situation.

It ended up being a chat on facebook about our sex life, but there you go.

What you planning on doing?

Wouldn't do it.

What is there to gain? Like seriously? Are you expecting blind person to suddenly start seeing things?

i haven't made a decision yet.

IMO when I limited contact with my ex or even stopped contact for a period she would try things like this.

You will only end up worse off and hurt badly if it goes anything like what I went through.

Its difficult the fact that you work with her but for your own mental health avoiding her is the best thing in the long term.

I agree completely with Strikeforce. For your own mental health, avoiding her is the best thing now and in the long term.

I found anytime my ex wanted to have a discussion, which was rare, it wasn't actually a discussion she wanted. She wanted to tell me something, I was to listen and accept it. Otherwise the "discussion" was over.

Yep that's it. The discussion if for her soothing nothing else.

that is what it seems like. the discussion is for her not "us".

@strikeforce... .same thing. i have been totally avoiding/ignoring her. the pull behavior has increased and now the wanting to get together face to face.

With a BPD its never about 'us' its only ever about them.

It sound like she is escalating the situation and it appears she may attempt a recycle soon, especially if you have shown her that your moving on.

mine wanted to meet to "discuss the possibility of returning home" (we're married and she bolted). my heart leapt. but it was a fiasco and she just "wanted to see you." her inner baby, totally self-centered. so you may be right, LA,

the dilemma is... .do i say no and then the texts, pull behavior, etc increase or do i just go, listen to her and leave.

i'm not going to go... .will push it off and talk to my therapist about it tomorrow.

It's interesting that she's giving you time to consider it. Also interesting that if you say no she would still be pulling.

why do you say that?

Is there a reason that you don't block her or change your number?

That's your best move

It doesn't seem normal for a BPD to give you control of the situation. If you say anything other than what she wants to hear I would expect fear to kick in and push rather than pull.

Although when my ex was ready for a recycle she did change the rules up until she got what she wanted.

Their words don't match their actions.

She may say something to make it appear your in control but the reality is very different.

She will not be giving away control, just making it seem that way.

My ex did it all the time.

There is only dilemma, when you 'just go', but the way you post, gives me the idea you want to go anyway.

She wants to meet to explain things to you so that she can hurt you again in x period of time. I get why you are thinking about it, just keep in mind that a good indicator of future behavior is past behavior. I personally would not do it, but we are here for you either way.

Actions ring true. If my ex called me from a residential facility that treated BPD and had a team of special forces to treat his addiction issues, his ptsd issues, his BPD and possible apd and meds and an ACT OF GOD... .then I'd say... .well that's nice. Hang In there. Good luck.

  They will pull out special forces to re engage, but it sounds like you know this. For me, going through withdrawals with nc, I'd just be resetting the clock backwards. Just to see him or hear his voice right now could be seriously detrimental to my health. 

  It also seems that you have a lot of responses here from others who want to support you and warn you of opening yourself up to lots of potential confusion and hurt.  You'll continue to get that support no matter what you chose to do. It's good that you put your question out there for feedback.  :)

If you are concerned that the pull will increase if you say no - what do you think she will do if you say YES and then LEAVE after?  Um, same outcome either way only the pull may actually increase if you meet her and leave.

Are you open to reconciling with this woman at all?  If you do not want to - it's easy - you absolutely do not meet her.  If you are open to it - then you will want to meet her. 

No one can tell you what to do.  If you do decide to meet her - I would first ask myself under what terms would I reconsider this relationship?  Since by meeting her that is actually what you are doing.  At least you will have a clear checklist of expectations in your mind of what boundaries would have to be met.

I don't think it's a good idea at all - but it's your life.

I don't want to sound bitter. Can a disordered person really set you straight? Do you really need her to tell you which way the grass grows? Weren't her actions enough explanation? Will you be hurt by this?

Something to consider about meeting with the ex.  Think about all those times when you did (or didn't do) something that triggered whatever fear or anxiety she has and the sh!t storm that came of it.

Leaving is an enormous trigger for your ex.  It's everything she/he most feared and assumed you would do.  Even if your ex plays nice, as soon as you get comfortable he/she will hit you over the head with the proverbial frying pan.

i went. i wanted to do it for myself. i appreciate all of your advice.

it went nothing like i thought. she apologized for basically everything she did. she also explained why she did them, which i wont get into. she then invited me into the conversation. i talked about what i wanted to talk about, which i also wont get into. she never got triggered. honestly, it was a very mature conversation. another thing she said was "i was relying on you to make me happy. my happiness has to come from me and that wasn't fair to you" we never talked about getting back together nor did she try to pull me in. after, we hugged and walked off.

i expected a bombardment of text messages, but they never came. i feel alot better. of course, future behavior might change. idk. we will see.

I was lures more than once ( 10+) into this and it never did me any good, but truly understand the reason we go back. For me it was closures and everytime i thought i got it i soon realized later on that it was just a big manipulative skeam.

sad,really sad but there is no closure, it just goes round and round

It sounds like she has pretty good self control.  It also sounds like she might be very manipulative and calculating. She likely has a plan. I don't think a pwBPD really cares to explain things unless they have an  ulterior motive.  Could be wrong. They are still people and like everyone else they have their own personalities.

Plugging back into all that crazy making? Do you really want to connect to someone who is mentally il and has made a serious connection to deep parts of your psyche? Did she not abuse and torment those parts to see what they did to you? Did she not run a soldering iron randomly around your emotions and perceptions until you felt stunted, confused, hurt, anxious and ill?

Will she cry then blame then rage then cry then tell you about her life now as if you were nothing? She has no friends because friendship is built up over time and are based on trust! Why would anyone trust her except to get some sex from her? No one can be a friend to her really, isn't that one of the main diagnosis of BPD... .a history of intense, chaotic interpersonal relationships that end in devastation !

What words in any language could she use ? Humiliation, shame, abuse, deceit, blame? Haven't you seen how completely unequiped she is to have a significant relationship with anyone? Let alone you, who has been painted black. Don't they poison every river they wash themselves in? Even being a faceless neighbour of theirs is painful!

Why not write yourself the words you'd like her to say to you, then reread it and see if there is anyway she would say these things to you, why not then write what you think she would actually say to you and see the difference between the two.

Maybe she just needs some money for a termination!

One of the things my exUBPDgf said to me in both rounds in devaluation was "Why do you think I have no friends?" I remember when she said it to me in round 2, I said to myself, "It really does feel like a script she must be reciting from her brain." A wave of sadness washed over me at that point. Here I was, trying to be a lover to her, a best friend, and here she was telling me the exact opposite.

Did she really ask you? Like you would answer her?

My x was always on about her female friends and how great they were. When we split I found out from them that they hardly knew her, others said she would never look them in the eye. I told a friend she had no friends and they said it wasn't true and listed 2 friends she had... .Both were friends I'd known for years and are glad I'm not with her, a bloody liability.

She said it in reference to her withdrawing from me and at the same time, a subtle reference to her disorder but not really coming out and saying it directly. I just remember looking at her in round 2(I was present in her house when she said it to me) and wondering, ":)o you not see that I accepted YOU back in my life knowing full well about your disorder." Mea culpa. In the end, I am to blame. I allowed this to happen to me.

Well that was a strange thread. Which I "won't get into"... .

Yeah, denial is powerfull Voodoo, I believed her words and wanted her/us to get better... .from what I didn't know? I know now, thought it was the alcohol. But yes getting real about my role in this RS. I'm finding that changing some of my ways and wounds is very scary and painful. Learning to fight all over again.

Shadowdancer, do you mean he met her and it seemed all a bit normal, I missed that post, yes odd.

Oh! Reread it, but I won't etc etc

I cannot decipher if it was normal or not. The thread did/will "not get into" that part.

Oops there I go getting butting "in".

i just put "i won't get into that" bc i didn't want the post to be too lengthy and discuss every issue/fight we ever had. basically, she seemed very aware of her condition, which i had no idea of. again, we didn't talk about getting back together nor do i have any intention too. 

your post kinda took me back. you are pretty intense man. chill out

I apologize if my post felt hurtful, I didn't mean it to be. Venting my thoughts. The meeting you had seemed pretty good, not sure if this is consistent with BPD symptoms, good though. If I could get that kind of rational closure I would feel very different than I do.

Mine did it for a long time an I'm just waiting for it to happen again, like i mentioned on other post ,i pushed her away for long, we were friends with an unhealthy relationship. This is why i realy believe our relationship caused her this condition,even though she had issues before she met me i guess