BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

I had a dream with her today. Those dreams that stay with you all day, those dreams that are basically a calling from your subconscious mind.

well... .I'm sure this is probably the most banal question on here but what the heck might as well ask... .and please, I know it's for the best but I don't want to hear... "keep your mind off her, it impedes your recovery" It's just one of those friggin' days

I haven't heard a peep from her in 2 years. I have not contacted her and I have made it extraordinary clear to never contact me again. I know she's moved on, has had sex with numerous men, traveled etc. I don't know anything else, these are things I've heard from friends. She actually still communicates with my family albeit they were never close. 

I never got any closure and I never heard from her again.

Do some of them go off the grid permanently because they know? they realize that they are the ultimate reason that the relationship failed?

I have heard up to high heaven that Bpd is a shame-based disorder... .is this another shameful scenario that they run away from?

Or could it simply mean, I didn't mean sh!t to her and I was expunged from her memory.

I don't know what to think exactly, it's a conglomeration of thoughts, a heterogenous mixture of just "She hasn't contacted me because she feels shame, maybe she doenst care, maybe my boundaries have made it clear"

I say no, repressing things impedes your recovery.  Mine showed up in dreams all the time for a while, but she hasn't made an appearance in a long time, and I say it's because my subconscious is purged of her.  I also say think, think, think, get it all up and out, punch something that won't care, whatever, and in time it will run its course.  Processing and purging are better than repressing.

2 years is a pretty long time though, don't know how long your relationship lasted, but ongoing rumination is not purging, and there are tools to help with that.

Mine tried to contact me for a few months after the break up and then stopped.  I figure she finally got the hint, but I don't know, and more importantly I don't care.  Pretty much none of my ex girlfriends have contacted me again, and sure, some of the relationships ended badly, some didn't, but I don't take that to mean they're mired in shame or guilt or whatever, or that they're still pissed off, they have just moved on, and so have I.  We had some good times, we had some ugly times, it was a slice of life and an experience we shared; I don't have negative thoughts towards any of them anymore including the borderline, because I have healed and reframed the events to serve me.

So I'm curious, why does it matter?  :)etachment and healing are non-linear, and a bad day pops up every now and then, but do you spend undue time and emotional energy on her consistently?  Maybe you're right where you're supposed to be or maybe you need some help and some more work?  Take care of you!

In italiacs:  I understand.  It's been over 2 years since my breakup, and I've never heard from my ex either. I also immediately went into nc mode- the level of betrayal was so deep and painful I couldn't bear to participate in any conversations with him about anything.  I've never had any closure.  It's very difficult and painful to go from having my SO try to "make love" with me in the morning to having me moved out that day and moved on within 4 days.  It's hard to imagine that someone we built a life with could just do such cruel things, but it's the reality of our situation.  I'm sorry you're going through this- I completely understand where you are at.  I still struggle with the fact that my entire life was a mirage, and basically I've been left out in the desert and the tribe has moved on. 

In bold:  That is creepy.  I had to ask my family to unfriend him from FB.  I am sorry your family still interacts with your ex.  Maybe you could talk with them about this?  There is no reason for that kind of contact, other than to keep a toe in the door. 

My ex tells people that the reason we broke up was that I moved out.  Nothing about the fact that he packed all my stuff and loaded it onto the moving truck.  I'm not sure what goes on in his head, because basically everything he ever said to me is suspect now.  I can't believe that he said such beautiful things to me for years, and one day ended it all with no warning.  I feel sorry for him, in some ways.  I'm a great person and will be a catch for the right person if I can ever heal my heart from this and the PTSD. 

I don't know how I'd react if he ever contacted me.  I'm sure there is a deep well of shame in that man, and I don't imagine that he has the internal strength to look at his own behavior and make amends.  No way.  He and my replacement never even said "I'm sorry for the bad behavior"- and I was the one that paid with losing my house, my community, my assets.  I hope they both rot in hell.  That may be harsh, but that's how I feel.

Shame on them, shame on them they are destruction in themselves and others.

Hey Trying, I think you ask a very reasonable question, especially considering that the majority of people on the leaving board seem to get continued contact from their exes after the break up.

Just like everybody is different, each person with BPD is different. I think what you say about the shame your ex feels is probably a big reason behind her going silent. She also may have the feeling that you would not be one to give her what she is looking for, maybe feels that you're too smart to fall for her again especially when you made it clear that she shouldn't contact you.

It's almost four months since I told my exBPDgf it was over, and while I don't know how many of the unknown and unrecognized number phone calls were from or instigated by her, she only texted me once which I ignored. A mutual friend related to me that the exBPDgf told her that I was a good person and deserved better than her. So I'd bet that at least in the case of my exBPDgf that she feels shame in imploding yet another relationship with her behavior.

I'm sure your ex remembers you since she still is in contact with your family. I think BPD people live a lot in the past, even though they might not necessarily all show it, because that is the only thing that is sure and stable about them.

Trying, you said it's been two years. Do you feel this dream was just a blip? How are you doing? Are you doing things to take care of yourself?

thank you all for the reply.

Learningcurve,

I am doing well actually. I hate to admit it but I do carry some 'scars' fromthis relationship. It traumatized me the first 6 months post break up. I actually go on dates, have fun, enjoy life. There are times where I just go into a funk. I was driving the other day and some song from Pink (just give me a reason) came on the radio and the lyrics resonated profoundly within me. "We're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again" sounded like my BPDex. Since then, I started thinking about her.

Why does she still engage in small contact with my family? why hasnt she contacted me? For someone whom I thought a lot about post break up... .I wonder if she has as well, it's only human natur. The no closure was the worst part.

Dreams are a big trigger in my opinion.  I caught my BPDex cheating Oct 13th of this year and texted her to never contact me again, and she hasn't.  The first few weeks were brutal with withdrawals and all, but then the nervousness in my legs started to subside and things got progressively better.  However, about 3 days ago, I had a dream with her and things have gone a bit backwards since.  Though I don't want her to contact me, I often wonder why she hasn't.  Is it because she is so wrapped up in the new guy, whom she has already professed love for (according to her sister), or is it that she really is ashamed of having hurt me, or she simply doesn't care because her needs are being met by the new guy?  In any case one has to work through this and keep moving forward.  I think we all know that they were toxic for us, and I re-read all the bad things she did as a reminder whenever I get like this, it certainly helps.  I also keep a rubber band on my wrist and when I start thinking about her, I snap the band and visualized a traffic Stop Sign and say stop in my mind.  These two things have helped me to stop thinking about her. 

smart move with the rubber band woke up,

I vascillate with my thinknig about her. Some days I am greatful she is gone, some days I don't think about her at all and unfortuantely some days I can't stop thinking why she hasnt contacted me, why no closure?

In her mind, is she permanently avoiding me because of the shame she feels because yet another person/relationship has been hurt/failed because of her?

How is that a problem that you carry some scars from that relationship? How is it a problem that it traumatized you for a long period? How is that NOT normal behavior? Because to me it all is and it's completely beside me why you are so hard on yourself after you already got hurt so much by your ex!

I don't know Trying, but we may never have closure in that regard.  Coming to grips with that reality is a task that we must work through.  Some days that task is easy, other days not so much, but as long as progress is being made (no matter how little), that's all that matters.  

harmkrakow,

I thank you for your post. I don't know what to say other than I don't know why I am hard on myself. I guess it's a mix of people saying "cmon man get over it, there plenty of fish out there, the usual cliche stuff, makes me feel that there is something wrong and that I should get over it ASAP. Irrational thinking of course.

Wokeup,

agreed. I've tried to give myself closure and it helped out a lot. I guess I just want her to pop out of the blue say that she effed up an apology and that's it. I'll feel 10 pounds lighter. But nevertheless, It's me who has to give myself a proper closure.

But nevertheless, It's me who has to give myself a proper closure.[/quote]
Bingo! |iiii

Been there done that.

Unfortunately the majority of your friends have not been into the disaster of a BPD relationship. I've had the exact same reactions of my friends. Cmon man... get over it? Jeez... what a p#ssy... you still not over her? Damn dude... grow a pair of bollocks ... I know man, serious, 9/10 friends told me the exact same. The 1 friend who did know about BPD told me, take all your time brother. And that's what we should do. It's one of the reasons why i tried to explain borderline personality disorder to my closest friends and they know all have BPD radars hanging around them :) ( lol )

Harm,

That's the worst. It truly is, I'm not going to lie and say I'm over her but I have been able to move on with my life in many many aspects. Unfortunately as you know, it's hard to just forget someone who gave us so much to remember good or bad.

There are just days that I will be having a couple of beers with my friends and the convo of ex girlfriends come up and I'd like to ask, do you guys think she still thinks about me? I mean she still does small contact here and there with my family. I just don't want to hear, AW COME ON MAN MAN UP! It's been two years! Jesus.

Moving on and detachment is something different. I've come across a really good post describing this.




I have fully moved on, I live in a new house, new city, new bed, new people, new job, new everything. That doesn't mean the EX is still every day in my head and i'm mourning every day the same about her.

Amazing and startling.

I thought I was doing the right thing by blocking, keeping to nc like a religious fanatic, not hearing about her. I thought doing this would help me move forward and forget about her. I thought that distance and time made the heart grow colder and eventually to a point of ambivalence. This is my first relationship with a pwBPD and I am in uncharted territory. Most ex girlfriends I got over with in a couple of months but this... .I don't know. I vacillate between not thinking about her, being hopeful about the future, to just down right depression. I miss her so f#cking much sometimes. I want to hold her, be with her, but it could never happen, I see it the same way I view a loved one that died.

How do I detach? I don't know. I hate that she still has hundreds of photos of us, I hate that she makes small contact here and there with family because it leads me to believe that I am on her mind.

I have given her the utmost power in my mind. I don't see her as a damaged tortured person. I see her as a dark demonic force that could cripple me with just a few words.

Sorry for the rant, how are you detaching?

Lettin go and lettin God!

By learning about the disorder, the clinical side of it, which helps me depersonalize it and realize the reality of what we had, a loaded bond.

By realizing what I miss is the way I felt alive when I was with her, not her specifically, I don't even like her.

By realizing what happened between us was supposed to because I had growth to do and I was ready.

By focusing on a new, improved me in a bright future, one that does not include her.

My stock kept crashing and I had to stop investing in it.  Investing in myself is a safer and more abundant decision to make.

Pain can not cure my pain.  He brought me pain.

He and I are to the point where we can only trigger each others pain.  I do not want pain for myself, and on some days I do not want him to drown in a pool of green jello either. 

I truly love him, and I understand that he does not have the ability to truly love me back.

Gnarly!  Chocolate pudding might be fun too?

I am in the same boat. I have moved on, physically. I live in a new town, in a new house, in a new bed, with a new kitchen. No memories of her here. None. I do other stuff, other hobbies and meet other people. One would think, that there is improvement in the 'i miss her less' category. There isn't. I'd take her back within a second. Now is that wise? No ...

I know she already went over a few boyfriends probably (at least 1, the rest is guessing). I miss her so much it's painful. But it's indeed not just the missing. It's the holding, the touching, the love making, the comforting, the everything. Waking up next to her in bed etc. All of it. I would cross an ocean for a day of re-living that honeymoon phase. Seriously.


I also see her as a dark person. But my therapists have been telling me, and even my doctor, high-functioning borderline is like cocaine. Once you sniff it, you want to throw your face in it like scarface and just sniff it all the time. The moment it's gone, it feels literally like something got torn out your body. Like a limp missing.

How do I detach? In the literal sense of the word? I was lucky enough to have recorded over 10 hours of conversation between her and me which I use for psychological evaluation. The crazy, well, really crazy behavior stands out very clearly. And the person I hear on that tape is not even close to the person I have in my head. Other than that I have done a lot of reading on BPD and basically checking the boxes is the ultimate detachment tool for me. There is so much stuff wrong with her it's crazily insane.

But again, you'd ask me, she stand in front of my door and want me back? Mate i'll throw my BPDusername throw the window and close myself of for some days of BPD crazyness. That's how weak I am.

So do I not function at all? Of course I do, I continue my life. Like I said before, everything around me is new. My daily activities are new. New new new ... but Misses BPD doesn't go away that easily.

Me thinks Freud would have had a field day with that "limp missing" part! :)

Harm it takes balls to admit that, I don't think I would take her back but I would give in to talking with her and hopefully getting everything I have to say about her off my chest as futile as it may be.

I have had numerous partners before and girlfriends but none of them had the intense bond I shared with her. For gods sake, I had to wipe her behind one day due to a horrible stomach virus she had. Could you imagine the intimacy behind that, if you're still attracted to a woman after that then it's love in my book.

I can say this, I am 29 years old and in my entire life, I have been happiest during the honeymoon phase. Not so much the idealization but just the fun new things we did everything was a novelty.

I read and read as much as I can about BPD and I try to depersonalize it. I try to see her for a sick individual but her actions at times seemed so calculated that I can't just say its BPD. It's a personality disorder not a mental illness in the sense that it cuts off any form of mental reasoning, but I could be wrong.  At the end of the day, I too am crazy. Perhaps crazier than her because I stayed. And I know why I stayed. I've done sufficient 'soul' searching in these past two years.

Why do I still think about her. You harm, I am hard on myself because as disordered as she is, she walked out of this relationship from what I observed, unscathed and readily available to have sex with numerous men past me. That in itself is disordered but I hope I am making sense. I am literally comparing my recovery with her recovery (which does not exist)

I want her to hear or see that I am doing better. I want it to sting a bit, even if it hurts for a matter of 5 min. Why do I care? I wasted 2 years with her + 2 years trying to heal from the wounds. Man, if I could get those 5 min... .I'd pack my bags and never look back at this relationship.

Im fully with ya for the 100% :)

Thanks for posting this. . .I'm a bit relieved to know it's not just me   I have been out of a 13 yr r/s for over 2 years, haven't seen him for 2, complete NC for about 18 months after I'd told him I wasn't interested in keeping touch, and I felt I'd be made a fool of for long enough.

The other day I heard through the grapevine, as the song goes, that he has someone regularly in his life.  It sent me down into sadness again.  I just thought of us in those early days and know that he, no doubt, will be going through his same charming motions with someone else.  I miss him and those times terribly, still.

However, I have learnt to accept that those times were wonderful, they were just not meant to last. . .and when the bad times came, I had to decide - could I, would I accept this or not.  It had to be not.  It is important to me to hold those values.

But as the counsellor said "you get hooked". . .and I'm like the rest of you, if I had contact with him, it would be dangerous - I'd be at serious risk of getting sucked in.  Sometimes, with the distance I've had, and reading I've done, I think I could handle him, it better. . .but I'm not sure, I think I would always be the casualty.



This has kept me hooked.  I've imagined him feeling the same as me, wanting me back, missing me etc etc. . .and this can't be true.  He was involved with other women at the end, and I don't think has been truly alone since we ended.  He used to make out he was but his actions said something totally different.  I think that was the cruellest of the lot.

If that car crash that crippled me could feel remorse, if the stairs I fell down could cry, if that cupboard door I banged my head on could feel bad!

If the monster that cut up my insides could feel the pain they put me through!

This is magical thinking, they are seriously deranged, if the hell they live with is to be believed, what to them is our pain?

Drink you monsters, drink to numb the pain while I choose to get stronger.

Something that helped me is realizing that the core issue for a borderline is they never detached from their primary caregiver and became an autonomous human when they were less than 3 years old or so, long before their brain had developed enough to think rationally and still very much formative, so their experience of the situation got hardwired into their personality and is subconscious.

So everything moving forward is an attempt to reestablish that attachment with a replacement, you, then feeling engulfed, pushing you away, feeling abandoned, pulling you back, on and on, stuck in that place between 'one' with another and their own 'self'.  That is where all the convoluted bullsht originates, and then throw in the emotional retardation that makes a borderline unable to see how they are affecting people as adults, and the resulting behavior seems mean, cruel, coldhearted, manipulative, and calculated.  But going back to the genesis of the behavior explains everything, just don't get any on ya.

I have the same issues. If she'd be back right now I would believe again from day 1 on wards that i'm strong enough to keep the r/s together. That is not going to work out of course :). I had a few 2 many drinks last night and ended up, again, emailing her. Haven't had the guts to check my mail. It happens. I seek for something I will never find while maintaining my normal life. Continuous going on, new hobbies, started cooking more. New habits, new rituals. The whole lot.

But the insides of my brain are still guarded by my BPD ex. I often wonder if I give her power over me or whether or not she takes power over me. I don't know.  

Good point. Fairly aware of this. Shame that that doesn't always help to fully detach.

It's like ... she IS crazy.

OK!

...

So detach!

...

...

Doesn't work :' (

lol

It worked for me, but OK, try this: I realized that what I missed was the feeling of being alive that I got from my borderline, not her specifically, in fact I don't even like her.  She lives in a world of perpetual chaos precipitated by the disorder, which kept me on edge full time, which felt like being intensely alive.  I liken it to how we feel when we're faced with an emergency, an intense situation where we're reacting, not acting, and later we think back and discover we felt completely alive in that situation.

The other piece that worked for me is to realize what we had was a fantasy, a buzz, a high, not sustainable emotions that can lead to long term love and commitment.  I liken it to alcohol, cocaine, meth, pot, intoxicating substances that speak to that part of our brain that wants that buzz, wants that feel-good, even when we know it's not good for us, could potentially destroy us, yet we do it anyway.  That unobtainable high that is the best the first time, and we keep going back to it again and again looking for that same high, but it's never as good as the first time.  That's not love, it's addiction.  Maybe this site could be called Bordelines Anonymous.

For me, the pull you back in and then push you away behavior has left me in limbo, the space between those 2 worlds, not really there and not really here. A paradox of happiness and sadness intertwined. And then I tried to save her with my "love" all in the while I am not loving myself as I should have always been while perpetually existing in that limbo after all was said and done. I've immersed myself in that chaos and that chaos has consumed me.

Realize Ironman that there are women who are capable of sustained love and there is no push/pull, beyond the conundrum that the masculine always considers the feminine, that our love can be reciprocated, and framing it such that us 'saving' someone isn't as healthy as just sharing love and life with someone.

Also, watch out for the language you use: you say that chaos has consumed you.  What if it's her chaos and she took it with her?  What if you are stronger than the chaos and you will consume it, chew it up and spit it out?  What if the order, rationality and health that is innately yours will emerge as the chaos dissipates and you get your feet on the ground, become grounded, once again?  Language is powerful, we get to be careful with it.

You are right. It was all about the drama, the excitement, the non stop rollercoaster. My time with my ex was the quickest period of my life. It literally flew away.

What you say is right. As I said, I have moved on, did everything I had 2. The unfortunate problem being that everything I do is not even near half the fun as it was before I met my ex. And come to think of it, my ex wasn't that special. Wasn't that superbly pretty, but she had this 'thing' which made it special. Still don't know what it is, but I assume it's the ability of how she could make me feel. But then again, that's all part again of the disorder... .

What that is is a borderline's need to attach, not just a want but a life or death need, one they're not even aware of consciously.  A borderline MUST attach to someone else to feel whole, since they have a half baked self, a partial personality, so they get very good at worming their way into our psyche, and it feels like nothing else as you can attest.  I like the buzz as much as the next guy, but something like skydiving is probably less risky, and having a healthy, grounded relationship to live in will make it all better.  Time to go get that.

We decided what is fun. We decide what is special. We decide.

Stop. Look. Listen.

Life is good.

Like so many others here, you mention "power". Isn't the true problem for both the pwBPD and the non actually denial? In many cases it sounds like both sides deny responsibility for being able to control their actions, hence the feeling of having no power over the future that both the pwBPD and the non often feel.

Feelings are another matter entirely, as you noted, it is not easy to simply wish them away and probably not healthy anyhow as your therapist suggested. Just as a physical path through the forest or jungle cannot be established in one single journey, mental and emotional paths cannot be established without repeated journeys in the direction we wish to establish. It is much easier to follow the path of least resistance which we are used to, painful as they may be. Forging new paths can be scary and hard work, but the alternative is even scarier.

Hugs to all. 

Wow I thank you all for the input, I wasn't expecting this much feedback.

All I could add on here is that... .from my tireless efforts trying to understand BPD and what the hell I went through, I read that BPD are able to move on so quickly because they cannot stand to be alone. If they are aloe, they are left with their thoughts and fears. This is something that BPDs cannot tolerate. They don't know themselves so they have to attach to someone ASAP. They have this impending doom about being alone.

You see, when I read this I can't help but to say shlt thank god I am not like that. Thank god I have the strength however scary it may be, to look at myself. When we look at other stories of BPD we quickly see how disordered they are but when we look at our own, we see this godlike demonic woman or man.  I think this is because they inflict pain on us. We perceived them as rational humans who are capable of rational thoughts thus traumatizing us.

I used to work as a security guard in a psych ward a few years back and at times it was my job to just guard rooms of aggressive patients. I used to be called idiot, worthless, dumb, my mother is a fat wh0re, and I would just say dear lord these men are just beyond gone. I feel bad for them but I wouldn't feel hurt because I understood and perceived these men as mentally well... .INSANE. We don't apply that understanding here.

Building on what harmkrakow said,

What you say is right. As I said, I have moved on, did everything I had 2. The unfortunate problem being that everything I do is not even near half the fun as it was before I met my ex. And come to think of it, my ex wasn't that special. Wasn't that superbly pretty, but she had this 'thing' which made it special. Still don't know what it is, but I assume it's the ability of how she could make me feel. But then again, that's all part again of the disorder... .

I admit my BPDex is freaking sexy but she's nothing out of this world. Doesn't have much going for her career wise. But there's something about her that made me feel so alive. A type of alive that I've only felt a handful of times in my life. But this feeling of "alive" occurred almost all the time with her. The spontaneity of it. One moment we are having sex in the shower, watching tv, the next we are taking a road trip to god knows where. Or going to the beach at 3am with her friends and I talking about everything. I miss that. I miss those times.

However, I can't I cannot take her back, I don't want to see her. I don't want to know how she's doing. She's dead to me and that's not being said with aggressive overtones.

There are much more beautiful women out there. But I haven't felt alive since.

Shadow, yes! And for you,  Trying, that's something we get to do over and over again. A lot. We might get to spend just as much time into actively letting go as we did obsessing about our exes.

... .'Borderlines Anonymous', haha. Love it.

It becomes a mantra... .a discipline. Something I needed... .a little discipline in my life.

I've hit a turning point, I think.

About five days ago my attitude changed. I don't care about my ex anymore. Or maybe I have become more interested in me. Either way, when I think about my ex and the b/u, I'm not jabbed with pain. Note: this change followed a heavy relapse of missing him and wanting badly to break NC, which we have both held for four months. It was like the last throes in something about to die.   

I've stopped analyzing the past. I have stopped reliving scenes from our relationship. I just hit a point where I was so done with worrying about me, worrying about him and ruminating about the injustice of BPD. I have been extremely depressed since the breakup five months ago and frankly I'm sick of being depressed. 

I'm at a point where I don't care if he has BPD or NPB or is actually normal functioning. We didn't work out. Tough ___ for me. Okay, next.

What's significant is this is something I feel as well as think. My ex detached before he sent me packing. Took me a few months longer than him, but now I'm ready to breakup too.

I don't care if he is seeing anyone or if he cheated on me.

I don't care whether he contacts me again. 

I don't care if I contact him again.

I don't care about his friends, things and hobbies.

I don't care if he is happier or worse off without me. 

My ex was an assh*le to me, and that makes him an assh*le. Straight up. No more excuses about how he's otherwise great and it's his BPD and alcoholism that requires special consideration, or that I am to blame because I couldn't give him what he needed. Or believing that he was The One for me because we met cute at just the right time in our lives.

He is an assh*le.

Peas, my BPDex like soo many others on here was a victim of sexual abuse.

It's banal already.

I gave her immunity. A special consideration because she was raped. Is horrible. But she's old enough to realize Her actions. I made so mamy excuses for her behavior. At the end of the day, she's cruel. She used her past to manipulate me. She doesn't love me, or even consider me.

She's of cruel because she has BPD or because she's my ex... .she's cruel because of the way she treated me.

Good for you peas.  I was wondering what your experience was if you sent him that letter we all discussed, and it now seems like a non-issue.  :)etachment is a process, with different stages, similar to the grief process.  Sounds like you're entering the anger stage, and good for you, that's healing.  Take care of you!

Yes this is the awful truth, she treated me to the ultimate abuse a human could. She is the smile from a nazi as they push children into gas chambers all else is forgivable. sadism is at the heart of this condition.

No it's not, fear of abandonment and shame are.  There are a number of reasons a borderline acts mean and cruel, projection, self-loathing, shame avoidance, fear of engulfment, garden variety power struggle.  Our perspective shifts as we detach.

Changing, it is!

We have fault in it but I just don't know what to say.


I am angry at her but most importantly at myself. For putting up with it. For allowing myself to hear her bullsht. I can't. I must be strong for myself. That's the only way I can evict this bxtch from my head.

Heal,


I was all set to send a letter. I had it planned out: I was going to write a single statement and enclose a few photos of him that I took during our better moments and liked. But fate intervened: work got extra busy so I put off a couple days getting the photos printed, then the machine at the photo printing place was broken, which delayed my idea even longer. The urge passed to break contact and I don't need to send my ex anything. 

For myself... .I don't stay in touch with any of my ex's. two exceptions. My ex wife lives with my daughter. One ex girlfriend that I don't really understand why but I stay in touch with her. I dint consider this healthy for her nor i. The BPDexgf is not one that I choose to stay in touch with. Several others I haven't needed to contact or ever hear from again. I think staying in touch or hearing from them must indicate a failure by one or both to move on. I would not even consider getting back with BPD girl. I will never hear from her again and that's ok with me. Good bye. Good riddance.

Perfidy,

Agreed. There is no reason why Anyone should keep in contact with an ex unless its because of work or there are children involved.

You break up with an ex you also break up with the family.

Hmm, i'm still in weekly contact with 2 of my exes. I can even consider them in my circle of best friends. I can always call them if there is any issue and vice versa. Their bf's also don't see it as a problem and I like them 2. I never understood that after a relationship everything needs to be cut of and this person who you once shared every day with, then just becomes a stranger or a person who you only deal business with.

When I had my issues with my BPD ex, I went to one of these exes and her bf's and cried and poured my heart out for days. They even let me sleep over. Made dinner for me, invited me for Christmas.

It's also because we sort of split up with the 'shaking hands' as adults rather than any black spitting which happened with the pwBPD ex. Not every relationship ends with b!tch fighting and smear campaigns. I've spent a lot of time in my life with these exes and they know me better than the majority of people around me. So I always wondered why I should throw them away? The only difference is that we don't live under 1 roof and no physical attraction. Well, that was easy! :D It was also one of the first sanity checks by my therapist.

1. Can you maintain friendships and (inter)personal communication with others for a longer period of time?

Harm, of course.

I should of put "with a crazy or toxic person"

There are exes of mine that I still have a love for and I know they do as well. But there is no attraction. I keep in touch here and there with other exes we like you said, shook hands and agreed that its best to part ways. No ill feelings or hostility.

This is completely opposite of what it is after a BPD relationship.

It is practical to cut all ties. It may not harm me or my ex. It may harm any current relationship that I might have. I would not date a person that stayed friends with their ex unless there was a super compelling reason such as children. My ex knew that I was friends with my ex and it put a strain on our relationship. Not to say that I couldn't be friends with my ex's. truthfully though... .What guy really just wants to be "friends" with someone that he has had known lust for? I believe friendship can become love. I find it difficult to believe that love can become friendship. At least for quite a while. I think it may be possible when neither person wants the other. By the time that happens both should have moved on. So it just doesn't seem realistic.

Plus to me friendship is the core of a healthy relationship; if you were really friends the relationship wouldn't have ended.  Maybe someone's been in a situation where it was decided that yes, you are friends but you're better off just friends, and that works, I've just never done it.

I totally believe that for some people, they do "go off the grid permanently" because they carry a lot of shame about how the r/s ended.  And it's WAY too scary and vulnerable for them to have ANY contact because that would mean in some way having to acknowledge the existence of the person whom they have hurt so much.

My former partner severed all communication w/ me. Two of my good friends emailed him and told him what THEY thought of his cruel discard. They "stood" for me as witnesses. That was really important to me, and it was a way of saying to him: "You have been seen. People know what you did." I know that he respected my circle of friends -- and rightly so -- my friends and family are people of integrity, not the kind to trash people, really caring people who try to live a conscious, loving life. Knowing that these people see him for who he is, I know that he wouldn't have the courage to initiate any further contact with me... .he KNOWS he did something really wrong. And I believe he has gone into hiding because he could never face me or them. He does not have the emotional skills to own his part or to apologize but he knows he did something very very hurtful.

I'm of the philosophy that you should hate actions, not trust people who have breached your self, be angry at people, be understanding of people, forgive people. Because I don't really think anyone is evil. Just misguided, coping, warped, whatever. They are broken. Honestly, many of us were broken too, just not so badly that we denied reality.

Tryingnottoslip

NEW MEMBER

*****

Offline Offline

Posts: 34


View Profile  Personal Message (Offline)

   

Re: Never hear from them again because it brings them shame? another failure?

« Reply #37 on: Yesterday at 01:09:58 PM »

Reply with quoteQuote

Building on what harmkrakow said,

What you say is right. As I said, I have moved on, did everything I had 2. The unfortunate problem being that everything I do is not even near half the fun as it was before I met my ex. And come to think of it, my ex wasn't that special. Wasn't that superbly pretty, but she had this 'thing' which made it special. Still don't know what it is, but I assume it's the ability of how she could make me feel. But then again, that's all part again of the disorder... .

I admit my BPDex is freaking sexy but she's nothing out of this world. Doesn't have much going for her career wise. But there's something about her that made me feel so alive. A type of alive that I've only felt a handful of times in my life. But this feeling of "alive" occurred almost all the time with her. The spontaneity of it. One moment we are having sex in the shower, watching tv, the next we are taking a road trip to god knows where. Or going to the beach at 3am with her friends and I talking about everything. I miss that. I miss those times.

However, I can't I cannot take her back, I don't want to see her. I don't want to know how she's doing. She's dead to me and that's not being said with aggressive overtones.

There are much more beautiful women out there. But I haven't felt alive since.




In reflecting upon my exBPD relationship I felt much the same exact same way.   She was pretty, smart, and funny,     but she wasn't a total knockout model, she wasn't a stand up comedian, she wasn't any smarter than myself. 

I think that part of this 'alive' problem for me in the beginning was this:   Not how great, pretty, smart, or spontaneous she was, but rather how smart, funny, handsome, witty I was how perfect I was for someone else.    Much like that one Seinfeld episode I now know what I have looked to be in love with all these years-   Myself!

I consider myself lucky then. I broke up quite a few times with the handshake, and realization it's more brother/sister story than a true loving relationship. Hobbies and interests went their own way and you grew away from each other. Or we had to make the choice of career/relationship and we had to pick the job as we might never get a chance like that again. We broke up but that doesn't mean a straight away go ___ yourself and I don't want to see you anymore. I truly still hang out with them very often. Physical attraction is not there anymore, the rest is :P

Discovery,

I recently found out she has a boyfriend, actual conformation for the first time. Truthfully, perhaps I am just saying this now... .I don't think she cared at all after she broke up with me. When I think back at the relationship, she never cared. SHe did things that were so disgusting and shameful. Not only to me, but my FAMILY. Yeah the certainity of her having BPD is probaby 90% but I just feel as if when she thinks back at this relationship she goes "Tryingnottoslip? yeah he's immature, stupid, worthless, SUCH A BAD BOYFRIEND UGH" etc. etc. She never cared.

I could think she went off the grid because she feels so much shame coming here and looking at me in the face but I think i might be lying to myself.

I am in the same boat. I have moved on, physically. I live in a new town, in a new house, in a new bed, with a new kitchen. No memories of her here. None. I do other stuff, other hobbies and meet other people. One would think, that there is improvement in the 'i miss her less' category. There isn't. I'd take her back within a second. Now is that wise? No ...

I know she already went over a few boyfriends probably (at least 1, the rest is guessing). I miss her so much it's painful. But it's indeed not just the missing. It's the holding, the touching, the love making, the comforting, the everything. Waking up next to her in bed etc. All of it. I would cross an ocean for a day of re-living that honeymoon phase. Seriously. [/quote]
How much i understand you... .i quote every single word... .damn... .

Sorry but in my last post up here i made a mess quoting other people and i can't find any EDIT botton to solve.

Nicco- It's eerie to see how similar we all feel and even scarier to realise just how similar our stories all are!

This is great- how affirming and validating to know your friends had your back and called him out on his bad behavior.  It can feel like no one saw what happened to you, and it's nice to know that he knows that people know he's a schmuck.  See, even though he may go around and tell stories of how it's not his fault, he knows it is and other people know it is too.  Nice to have friends in your corner.   

i'd never presume to tell you to stop thinking about her... .i don't think it's "bad" per se, but i would rhetorically ask why you are wondering "what to think exactly"  <shrug> when you made it extraordinarily clear not to contact you.  whatever her reason(s), consider yourself extradordinarily fortunate!  you set a boundary and she ~ so far ~ has respected it.  what else is there to think? :)

Lucky you, they may fear exposure of their condition, may need to get rid of you to start new lies, you may remind them of the central untruth of their life, or all of the above.

Dodged a bullet, your body knows this, you haven't processed it yet. Trauma is what we're going through. Trauma that we have been through in the past is with us again. This is tough love, without the love. Stronger I say.

You were in denial of the danger you were in, vulnerable to a preditor=anxiety... .yikes.

They have betrayed us in such an extreme way, they will do it forever. Have done it forever. They shred RSs like a grenade, everyone gets a bit. This is not sustainable over time.

changingman, you (like so many others here) are such a great writer... .great style.  BPD seems to be drawn to this type of person... .i mean, all the posts here are clearly written by quite intelligent and gifted people!

in bold, yikes indeed.  confession:  half the time i'm STILL in denial about the danger i was in.  but my subconscious?  i guess it always knew?  i remember one dream towards the final demise of my xBPD r/s... .i was petting this big german shepherd... .so friendly and beautiful, i was petting it, dog liked it, then i was hugging it, it was all good... .when suddenly it started growling at me.  scary sound, terrified me.  i tried soothing it, to calm it down, to realize i was no threat... .i was afraid for my life! guess what i called it when i was soothing it?  xBPDgf's name!       

woke up sweating, heart racing from that one.  i don't remember too many dreams long term but that one sure stays with me.

I actually made the mistake of telling her she had BPD and she still came back!

lol.

I think she might have thought bi-polar.  I don't know if my ex was actually diagnosed. All I know is every fight she would use psych terms like that I was "push pulling her" being "passive-agressive" and "projecting"

All terms I am sure her ex who is a psychiatrist (ha) was using on her in their relationship in an attempt to help.

Yes ucmeicu2,

Thanks, I really like some of the writing styles on these boards, but all the writing is amazing. Might have gone mad if not.

Still processing lots of subconscious signals, I have more respect for it now, very protective of us.

Love that Dream,

there, there ********, it's ok ********, you are loved here, its all good, safe, its ok *****

GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRERRRRRRRRRR!

Ha, so true really funny... .Good luck ucmeicu2 you are shown love here

GGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

*mod*

Locking this thread as it has reached it's 4 page limit. You are welcome to start another thread.  :)