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How do any of you on here deal with them being in a new relationship?

I feel like this is also cruical in detaching as it calms the "what ifs" i.e. what if she gets better? what if with this guy it works?

I am interested to hear what others have to say bc I wonder those same things. It's like if the next relationship works then that means I failed and that's why the r/a didn't work.

I haven't had to deal with it yet, but I feel like it's coming soon. I'm probably not going to like it, although, realistically, it will be good for me because she'll maybe focus on that and ease up on me a bit.

She said she's going to go ballistic when I get into another relationship.

Then she said she hopes we can always be friends. I don't see it happening.

Whenever she finally winds up in a straight jacket at a mental hospital, I may go visit every year or two, but that'll be about the extent of our friendship.

Because the replacement is just that. A replacement. pwBPD cannot cope without someone validating them in "some" way. Without that validation, they are lost in the wilderness of pain. The replacement can do that for now, because they do not know the pwBPD yet.

Because I know now that I was not special to my pwBPD. He merely needed me. There is a distinct difference between love and need, and pwBPD need us for survival from aforementioned "wilderness of pain".

Because they are the same person in this new "relationship" that they were with us. They are essentially mirroring the new person for now, and soon the mirror will turn. An abuser does not stop abusing the new partner. That is how they function, and have functioned for years. It's new to us, it's not new to them.

Again, this disorder was there long before us and will be there long after. Unless the pwBPD dies or gets help.

Feel some sorrow for the new victim, they have no idea what they are walking into, and will someday feel the intense pain that we feel.

We are just one in a long string of people to be hurt by a pwBPD. The choice you have here is to continue to be a victim, or to pull yourself out of it and make a new life, with a person who can REALLY love you back, with mutual respect and love.

Oh, and do yourself a favor, don't find out anything regarding your expwBPD. It just brings more pain. Truly let him or her go. Radio silence from here to eternity.

Blessings,

L

I will no longer be a victim... . been there, done that. I'll leave that for the others.

I won't validate her anymore, not with a phone call, or a simple text. And for my exgf, responding to a text is validation for her... . she wins, got control... . NO MORE.

I'm taking control now. She had it for 2.5 yrs, although she claims she wasn't controlling... . whatever.

  I agree with the other aforementioned posts, we are just another person thar got caught up inthe insanity of being in a relationship with someone that has a serious mental illness.  However I chose to to stay despite the abuse.  Whether the next relationship works out or not doesn't matter to me because it was not working for me.  And I am responsible for my own happiness.   Getting that person out of my life will only make me happier because my ex was the most abusive woman I have ever met.

|iiii


The 'what-ifs' continue as long as we face their direction and ask them.

 There replacement will go through the same misery we endured. GUARANTEED! ! This illness is for life. No amount of meds or therapy can help much.(unless the BPDer is 100 on doing the hard work)  Ive done the therapist thing with my exBPDgf and with out her. If they are recycling they are not following thier therapist advice, or doing the work. They will never be cured. (Its impossible ). Just know we all will be ok eventually. ... . life does get better every day the thoughts will ease up. And soon it will be a memory.

Ive been saying this on the boards since I was also replaced and know first hand how to get through the pain of it.   People who overlap or jump into a new relationship without processing their feelings ESPECIALLY if the relationship was toxic and THEY were the ones to exhibit dysfunctional behavior have pretty much zero chances of changing for the new partner.  They learn absolutely nothing from their relationships but they do go on the rebound and bury their feelings.  They carry invisible baggage from partner to partner and never fully detach in a healthy way.  With each new partner these unresolved feelings will manifest eventually but many times in a different way.  it could take months or years but you can use their past relationship history and length as a good indication of when it will erode.  They think if a new partner is interested it is a way to press a reset button and start fresh, and if someone else is interested it couldnt possibly be their issue and its obviously the other partners fault.   I see this happening with my friends who are in relationships with people who arent even disordered.  Its simply not possible for them to do a 180 without doing some serious internal work and facing their abandonment issues as well as digging deep, and that is wayyyyy too painful and traumatic for them.  Therefore change is not coming anytime soon especially without any therapy. 

just keep telling yourself this over and over again.  and dont be surprised in a year or so you find them reaching out to recycle or you hear they are single again.  Best to work on yourself and be the best and most healthy person you can be so you can have your ultimate revenge by being in a happy healthy relationship where you are treated with love and kindness and forget they ever existed!

Why is it that when I read these kind of posts, even though she is diagnosed BPD co-morbid drug addiction, that I feel like she is saying this very thing about me... . That I was the a$$hole and she is going to live a good life as revenge for the $hitty one that she had with me?

... . going absolutely out of my hiting mind, thank you very much.

That's about how I am dealing with it

I was thankful to find this board this past week because I was having the same kind of feelings after a break up 6 months ago. It was triggered by my memories of how tough last holidays were and seeing how she moved in with a new BF about 3 month after we broke up.

I kept seeing her on FB with the new guy and they appeared to be having the outgoing relationship I tried to have with her but one she wouldn't do.

So I felt like I held her together for a year and a half only to have some new guy come in and reap all the benefits with her where she totally changed almost everything about herself.

But when I read a lot of these threads it reminded me a lot of how things were good for us for the first 2 months and got gradually worse over time. And I recognize so many of the hardships when I read some of what people are going through as they are still in their relationships with the BPD partner.

Now I cant help but feel her patterns will come back out because she has never given herself the time to heal. And now instead of feeling as resentful as I did, I am starting to appreciate that I had a choice to make a different future for myself and how I used to wish she would meet someone new who might be capable of helping her in the ways that I couldnt.

Block, dude, block. I did mine and I still live with her and our two toddlers. Still, I saw from her browser history that she made a private FB group called "My Love And I" sick... . or maybe I am a little bit sick for checking it. I entertained the thought of locking the pc and forcing her to use the ipad (which I bought her, and she raged at me because I bought the wrong color cover),  but I need peace while she's still living here and until, we sign a custody agreement. Even then, I will need peace, for my kids and for myself.

Were you a choirboy? I could be a jerk sometimes, so I sure wasn't. She usually triggered me, but we did them as well, though usually over stupid little things ;^)

Well... .

Can someone please for the love of god, jesus, mary and joseph explain to me how you can possibly fall in love with someone after 4 weeks of dating and sleeping with them on the 1st date?

I know I did; but how does the BPD do it?

Oh I did block her. I was in low contact (text message about once every 2 weeks) with her until she got into her relationship because I still was fearful she might follow through on her threats to hurt herself. I went no contact at that point.

I stayed friends on Social Media because I thought it was the mature thing to do but it was a bad idea. In her new relationship it seemed that she was a totally different person than the one I knew and I ended up feeling pretty bad about myself during that time so I had to just delete her.

But, she's never tried to contact me since the new relationship and I've been working on getting myself back on track.  It took about half a year but Im just about back to where I was before I met her in terms of my work, family and friends.  I just had this slip up the past week and felt resentful for losing that time but now I look at it as I could have still been in the same situation.

I wanted to know HOW after 14 years together, a son, family, picket hiting fence, little league baseball, someone can fall in love with someone and leave another behind with nothing but a broken spirit without a care in the world?

hiting piece of hit Hannibal Lechter mother hiting whore freeloading using hiting hit!

I ask myself the same question, how mine can start calling him My Love while I am still providing for her, and took care  of her kids while she was out medicating. She searches online on sites trying to figure out if she is falling in love. At this point it simply disgusts me. Maybe she is putting so much stupid stuff on fb that its telegraphing her insanity. I still get olenty of interaction from her cousins (female) on my benign fb posts that they obviously don't as much, if at all, buy into her story. I don't need their validation, but some feels good.

The short answer is it isn't love. Its neeeeeeed!

That kind of leopard doesn't usually change their spots. If they do, good for them. It's a big enough jungle for improvement. I've seen it myself.

Fact: We all were with each other to feel better.

Question: Where do we go from here?

Thanks, Turk... . PM me if you want to know what all that means

Buddy of mine sent this to me:

"We were together I forget the rest."  Well that's just great Walt, how the hit do you forget the rest... . that's the only answer I need

I don't know Arn... . I am kind of the opposite situation... . a boy (granted, from rich parents). I think, would I feel worse if it were a self made man like me? Maybe its not right to focus on the who, but the what. The what is an inability to love, because it isn't love. There is no justice for us, we are victims. Can we move past that? That is up to us. I wish I had the answer, and I am painfully working on it myself. Even if I find the answer... . realizing there may be no "answer", it might not work for you. I'll certainly keep you and eveybody updatef though, if I find it. It may not be a Damascus Road epiphany though.

  I don't think my xgf will be in a "relationship" as such, for a while. She's in "fv<k every guy in town" mode at the moment.  I was only her fourth live-in partner, (I know this from her family) and her 40th birthday is next week. The way she carries on you'd think it was her 14th. 

Amen to that, I have to realize this as the days go by and my mind tells me this over and over because I have already lost myself to this pwBPD and it's effecting others now as well... .   I couldn't have said it better myself.   |iiii

This is right on the money. My BPDex of 2 and half years is doing this right now with a boy 4 years younger than her (shes 25) and just met 2 weeks ago. He hasnt even started university ! They hooked up the first night they met and now is totally in her idealization phase. I feel sorry for the fella. No clue what is gonna hit him.

*Sidetrack - Day 5 of NC from her.  :) *)

Going back to your original point, Dizzy, I cried. An ocean. It felt like the breakup all over again. I felt back at square one. I had all the what ifs too. But nc and time... . It just takes time. Now, almost a year after my breakup, I actually feel a little relived that it's not me putting up with his cr*p anymore. Because he is who he is and has done nothing to reflect or improve or understand his behaviours. Out of the FOG and the grieving, I can now see that to be true.

And frankly, now it's his business. I'm focused on me and what I want now, not whatever he's doing with his life. Sure it crosses my mind sometimes, but that gut wrenching pain has gone at last. That's been a relatively new change for me, but it sure feels good not to care so much.

If rereading answered it for me, I wouldn't have asked.

Mixing non BPD with BPD makes it confusing for people.

I spoke to BPD ex fiance's new wife (10 months post break up and 3 months post cancelled wedding and he's married) for a week before her wedding. She was sweet, sympathetic and supportive.  She didnt tell me her wedding events had started to save me pain.  The morning after she was married, she excused his punching me by saying he was drunk, told me not to interfere and that the next step she would take if I continued to give her unsolicited advice would be to start ignoring me.  Maybe it is me, but I think ignoring people is pretty low.  Yup, that level of change and manipulation in 12 hours.  Her telling me that he hadn't painted me black when she overheard me describe his abuse to him and him accuse me of lying and denying he has ever abused me, even though I sent her evidence.  I don't blame her, she started off being nice and I could hear his words coming out of her mouth at the end.  They are no better off, they will not change.  So toxic that this is the damage they can do in 12 hours.  Thank God it's not me, I hope she realises sooner rather than later.  She's a smart confident woman, like I was before he had his way with me.  I wonder how long it will take before he crushes her.  It will happen, it's a matter of when.  I tried to warn her, and my heart will go out to her when she calls me telling me I was right.

i'm almost afraid to agree with this post, because it is so exactly what i want to believe. and yet, i am certain that it's right, not only from my own knowledge of her history, but from the authoritative opinion of my T, who has worked with BPDs and spotted it in my stbxw. at this point the issue turns to me. why do i persist in thinking that i'm somehow emotionally ignorant and am really the one at blame for her deceit and bolting, that she'll blossom into awareness and happiness in her new thing, etc?



i'm doing this, but it is soo hard.

I  am stuck exactly where you are at maxen,  especially this last week where she is so much more  normal and focused on the kids for the first time in many months.  maybe I'm just  am emotionally detached,  devaluing jerk who is a poor communicator.  very depressed these past few days. I hope to heck I get better quickly after she's gone. I missed my lawyer appointment last week, but have another one the day after tomorrow. Getting custody enforced legally, Step 1. Getting her out with minimal drama (ha), Step 2. Moping, Step3 for a week or so. Healing, Steps 4 to 100^100

The ex before me probably considered me their replacement.

The girlfriend after me will also be replaced.

Its a cycle.

Often we have a hard time dealing with them being in a new relationship because we still place blame on ourselves for its demise. Work on that, work on you and you will no longer care in the slightest who they are with - because you have self worth and know instinctively that you deserve better.

We compare ourselves to the new person because we still hold onto shame/guilt.

it's a hell of a place to be, isn't it? i am not the world's most emotionally expressive guy. i get impatient and if continually and deliberately provoked i respond with sarcasm. these are counterproductive attributes. BUT none of that excuses what she did (in both our cases). we have both (i believe i can say) been responsible and honest and consistent. the adultery is hard but worse is the deceit and being presented with a done situation.

there are times i view things objectively and i feel sure of my situation and clean. but i can't seem to bring those times, i can't seem to control my moods about this. going from embroiled in misery to relatively optimistic just happens, i don't even know if there are triggers i should avoid. oh, damn.


i actually don't compare myself to the new s.o. that person was a full participant in my w's deceit and therefore has as little moral development as my w does and i have no envy. my w even said, after she bolted, to my jaw-dropping amazement, that she was "content to stay in the marriage as it was." she only left when she found someone whom she could jump to. the fact that that person is a woman has also relieved me of envy as the texture of this new relationship will have to be not exactly comparable to what we had.

what has deranged me is the deceit and how far gone she was in it by the time she told me and the fact that she discussed her plans with a few others and it appears nobody said to her "don't deceive your husband," so the picture she must have presented to them was pure BPD (either that or those people are shts, too).

but yes i do hold onto guilt for the things that i think i handled badly in the marriage. it doesn't occur to me (often enough) that she might have forgiven my actions (as i did hers) or that she might have acknowledged how she contributed to the emotional standstill we had reached.

When I found out, I didn't deal with it well at all.  Particularly since I knew my replacement. There is a 30-year age difference between her and my exBPD. What was even more devastating was finding out that he cheated on me (with her) during our relationship.  Cheating was one thing I felt confident he hadn't done.    silly me for thinking he was monogamous with me.

It was one of those ah-ha moments when so many questions that had been unanswered suddenly had answers. In that moment of grief and shock, there was clarity that provided a bit of validation for me, and I held onto that.  He is incapable of having a healthy relationship.  His choice in a replacement proved that to me. And that choice eventually, will turn his world upside down.

I spoke with him recently having been NC.  I wouldn't recommend that anyone do this.  What was illuminating is that during the call I listened to him horrified that I didn't 'see' as clearly then as I do now. He pulled it all out.  Nice-nice, dangling carrot for backup-future-recycle, passive aggression, not respecting my boundaries, trying to impress me, lying, selective memory, no accountability, not wanting to get off the phone when I tried to end the call, the list goes on. It was a 1.5 hour turn-off. I've come a long way since last summer.   

All this time I've been wanting validation from him and that is what made the breakup difficult.  Validation that he wasn't an illusion, that our relationship meant something to him, that I meant something to him, that he was sincere when he said he realized he had major issues and wanted to heal. I wanted validation that he had been honest with me, present when we were together, that he meant what he said. That's the validation that I thought I needed to hear from him all these months. During that call however, I

came to realize that that wasn't what I was wanting or needing to hear from him after all.  I needed validation that I was involved with an ill and abusive man. That was the validation that I got during our conversation. 

After speaking with him, it was much easier dealing with the knowledge that he's in a new relationship, or maybe I should say 'primary'  .  After hearing all that garbage pour out of his mouth once again, I knew that I really didn't want him, nor did I care anymore, not about him anyway. 

I'm still healing from being with the most abusive man I've ever been in a relationship with, and the after shocks of being mistreated, but what he does from this day forward and who he is with doesn't matter.  I'm just glad it's not me.  She's the target now.  And I'm free to live a drama-free, peaceful life.