How do you deal with them being in a new relationship?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Because the replacement is just that. A replacement. pwBPD cannot cope without someone validating them in "some" way. Without that validation, they are lost in the wilderness of pain. The replacement can do that for now, because they do not know the pwBPD yet.

Because I know now that I was not special to my pwBPD. He merely needed me. There is a distinct difference between love and need, and pwBPD need us for survival from aforementioned "wilderness of pain".

Because they are the same person in this new "relationship" that they were with us. They are essentially mirroring the new person for now, and soon the mirror will turn. An abuser does not stop abusing the new partner. That is how they function, and have functioned for years. It's new to us, it's not new to them.

Again, this disorder was there long before us and will be there long after. Unless the pwBPD dies or gets help.

i'm almost afraid to agree with this post, because it is so exactly what i want to believe. and yet, i am certain that it's right, not only from my own knowledge of her history, but from the authoritative opinion of my T, who has worked with BPDs and spotted it in my stbxw. at this point the issue turns to me. why do i persist in thinking that i'm somehow emotionally ignorant and am really the one at blame for her deceit and bolting, that she'll blossom into awareness and happiness in her new thing, etc?

Oh, and do yourself a favor, don't find out anything regarding your expwBPD. It just brings more pain. Truly let him or her go. Radio silence from here to eternity.

i'm doing this, but it is soo hard.

I  am stuck exactly where you are at maxen,  especially this last week where she is so much more  normal and focused on the kids for the first time in many months.  maybe I'm just  am emotionally detached,  devaluing jerk who is a poor communicator.  very depressed these past few days. I hope to heck I get better quickly after she's gone. I missed my lawyer appointment last week, but have another one the day after tomorrow. Getting custody enforced legally, Step 1. Getting her out with minimal drama (ha), Step 2. Moping, Step3 for a week or so. Healing, Steps 4 to 100^100

[Turkish]

Because the replacement is just that. A replacement. pwBPD cannot cope without someone validating them in "some" way. Without that validation, they are lost in the wilderness of pain. The replacement can do that for now, because they do not know the pwBPD yet.

Because I know now that I was not special to my pwBPD. He merely needed me. There is a distinct difference between love and need, and pwBPD need us for survival from aforementioned "wilderness of pain".

Because they are the same person in this new "relationship" that they were with us. They are essentially mirroring the new person for now, and soon the mirror will turn. An abuser does not stop abusing the new partner. That is how they function, and have functioned for years. It's new to us, it's not new to them.

Again, this disorder was there long before us and will be there long after. Unless the pwBPD dies or gets help.

i'm almost afraid to agree with this post, because it is so exactly what i want to believe. and yet, i am certain that it's right, not only from my own knowledge of her history, but from the authoritative opinion of my T, who has worked with BPDs and spotted it in my stbxw. at this point the issue turns to me. why do i persist in thinking that i'm somehow emotionally ignorant and am really the one at blame for her deceit and bolting, that she'll blossom into awareness and happiness in her new thing, etc?

Oh, and do yourself a favor, don't find out anything regarding your expwBPD. It just brings more pain. Truly let him or her go. Radio silence from here to eternity.

i'm doing this, but it is soo hard.

I  am stuck exactly where you are at maxen,  especially this last week where she is so much more  normal and focused on the kids for the first time in many months.  maybe I'm just  am emotionally detached,  devaluing jerk who is a poor communicator.  very depressed these past few days. I hope to heck I get better quickly after she's gone. I missed my lawyer appointment last week, but have another one the day after tomorrow. Getting custody enforced legally, Step 1. Getting her out with minimal drama (ha), Step 2. Moping, Step3 for a week or so. Healing, Steps 4 to 100^100

[Clearmind]

The ex before me probably considered me their replacement.

The girlfriend after me will also be replaced.

Its a cycle.

Often we have a hard time dealing with them being in a new relationship because we still place blame on ourselves for its demise. Work on that, work on you and you will no longer care in the slightest who they are with - because you have self worth and know instinctively that you deserve better.

We compare ourselves to the new person because we still hold onto shame/guilt.

[maxen]

i'm almost afraid to agree with this post, because it is so exactly what i want to believe. and yet, i am certain that it's right, not only from my own knowledge of her history, but from the authoritative opinion of my T, who has worked with BPDs and spotted it in my stbxw. at this point the issue turns to me. why do i persist in thinking that i'm somehow emotionally ignorant and am really the one at blame for her deceit and bolting, that she'll blossom into awareness and happiness in her new thing, etc?

I  am stuck exactly where you are at maxen,  especially this last week where she is so much more  normal and focused on the kids for the first time in many months.  maybe I'm just  am emotionally detached,  devaluing jerk who is a poor communicator.

it's a hell of a place to be, isn't it? i am not the world's most emotionally expressive guy. i get impatient and if continually and deliberately provoked i respond with sarcasm. these are counterproductive attributes. BUT none of that excuses what she did (in both our cases). we have both (i believe i can say) been responsible and honest and consistent. the adultery is hard but worse is the deceit and being presented with a done situation.

there are times i view things objectively and i feel sure of my situation and clean. but i can't seem to bring those times, i can't seem to control my moods about this. going from embroiled in misery to relatively optimistic just happens, i don't even know if there are triggers i should avoid. oh, damn.

We compare ourselves to the new person because we still hold onto shame/guilt.

i actually don't compare myself to the new s.o. that person was a full participant in my w's deceit and therefore has as little moral development as my w does and i have no envy. my w even said, after she bolted, to my jaw-dropping amazement, that she was "content to stay in the marriage as it was." she only left when she found someone whom she could jump to. the fact that that person is a woman has also relieved me of envy as the texture of this new relationship will have to be not exactly comparable to what we had.

what has deranged me is the deceit and how far gone she was in it by the time she told me and the fact that she discussed her plans with a few others and it appears nobody said to her "don't deceive your husband," so the picture she must have presented to them was pure BPD (either that or those people are shts, too).

but yes i do hold onto guilt for the things that i think i handled badly in the marriage. it doesn't occur to me (often enough) that she might have forgiven my actions (as i did hers) or that she might have acknowledged how she contributed to the emotional standstill we had reached.

[blissful_camper]

When I found out, I didn't deal with it well at all.  Particularly since I knew my replacement. There is a 30-year age difference between her and my exBPD. What was even more devastating was finding out that he cheated on me (with her) during our relationship.  Cheating was one thing I felt confident he hadn't done.    silly me for thinking he was monogamous with me.

It was one of those ah-ha moments when so many questions that had been unanswered suddenly had answers. In that moment of grief and shock, there was clarity that provided a bit of validation for me, and I held onto that.  He is incapable of having a healthy relationship.  His choice in a replacement proved that to me. And that choice eventually, will turn his world upside down.

I spoke with him recently having been NC.  I wouldn't recommend that anyone do this.  What was illuminating is that during the call I listened to him horrified that I didn't 'see' as clearly then as I do now. He pulled it all out.  Nice-nice, dangling carrot for backup-future-recycle, passive aggression, not respecting my boundaries, trying to impress me, lying, selective memory, no accountability, not wanting to get off the phone when I tried to end the call, the list goes on. It was a 1.5 hour turn-off. I've come a long way since last summer.   

All this time I've been wanting validation from him and that is what made the breakup difficult.  Validation that he wasn't an illusion, that our relationship meant something to him, that I meant something to him, that he was sincere when he said he realized he had major issues and wanted to heal. I wanted validation that he had been honest with me, present when we were together, that he meant what he said. That's the validation that I thought I needed to hear from him all these months. During that call however, I

came to realize that that wasn't what I was wanting or needing to hear from him after all.  I needed validation that I was involved with an ill and abusive man. That was the validation that I got during our conversation. 

After speaking with him, it was much easier dealing with the knowledge that he's in a new relationship, or maybe I should say 'primary'  .  After hearing all that garbage pour out of his mouth once again, I knew that I really didn't want him, nor did I care anymore, not about him anyway. 

I'm still healing from being with the most abusive man I've ever been in a relationship with, and the after shocks of being mistreated, but what he does from this day forward and who he is with doesn't matter.  I'm just glad it's not me.  She's the target now.  And I'm free to live a drama-free, peaceful life.