BPDFamily.com

I was thinking to myself... . ?

If someone tells you "I love you" in a short period of time and you say it back, what does that say about you?

If someone you barely know tells you they want to spend the rest of their life with you becuase your their soulmate and you say it back, what does that say?

If you say you love someone, what does that really mean? How much is enough? How much are you willing to take from this person because you love them?

They are who they are, I get it... . I don't get them, but I get it.

But what about those of us who stay? Those of who leave (me)? and those of us that continue to feel pain from something that we should move forward from? Just food for thought.

You got a very interesting point,at least for me,cause is what appenened in my r/s... . exactly what you described.

And i belong to the group of those who continue to feel pain for something i should move forward from.

I was dreaming and waiting and struggling for that kind of "love" since all my life... . i guess i'm not less needy then my BPDexgf... . that's why i'm not able to focus on myself... . cause i don't know how to give happiness to myself by myself... . i find harder to have a real confrontation with my life and what really i am then go on inside an unhealty r/s... . just like if it was a drug who made me forget about my problems and fears satisfying at the same time my primary need of love and closure and blending with another human kind... . someone to call "my soulmate".

I know that there's something else beyond my "love" for her... . at least for her best qualities,her good side... . something working in background which depends just from me.

That's why i'm going in therapy soon.

Cheers  :)

Good luck with therapy Nicco, I hope you find a good one.

It true, you have to learn to make peace with yourself and be content with who your are.  Your happiness does not belong to someone else, it is within you.  Two people can create a happy life together but sometimes somethings just come our way so we can learn from it and grow.

Who would want to believe that we have another half of us awaiting us somewhere in the world, something to look forward, and not being alone.

But, that happiness that you once had and shared with someone, if it was real for you, then it was real! Which means that you can have it again with the right person when the time is right.  You will be that much stronger and smarter to notice the redflags and follow your gut, especially when something is happening to fast.  Love is not something we find overnight, it is something two people develop that begins with respect!

Great post Tolou. I printed that one. It is a message for hope to all of us. Hope is a very powerful tool in moving on. Good stuff

thanks!

My ex and I were telling each other 'I love you' and talking about long term plans very early.  I now know what I thought we had was a fantasy I created on my own, while she created one of her own.  The two fantasies, totally different, crashed into each other in the middle ground called reality, which didn't measure up to either of our fantasies, so we set about beating them to death in mutual frustration.

Once again,i find parts of my own story written on this board by someone else.

Was just that... . a wonderful dream... . with a terrible awakening.

For my own i can say that i've the 50% of "guilt" maybe... . i filled up her expectations and dreams like she filled up mine... . the crash with reality must have been brutal for both probably.

What is "funny" is that i was feeling that was wrong in some ways... . that wasn't impossible that everything was as true and healty as was showed but i wasn't able to stop myself from doing it.

Mmmm.

I relate completely to this.  I wanted that fantasy so bad i proceeded to destroy the real life i had.  Reality came crashing down on me and now consequences must be worked through.

The main difference between her & I ?

She loved me the same way I love my coffee maker at 7am.

If it stop working for me I will replace it & bin the old one. I won't feel bad about it. I won't explain this sad turn of events to the old coffee machine as it goes into the bin. The coffee machine will not get closure from me & I won't give a damn.



I don't view/see/treat people as soulless inanimate objects void of feelings & emotions!

I think this says, initially that you have weak boundaries. In other words, this is not really a normal thing couples say to one another without there being some development of trust and a reason for that trust to bring forward those kinds of feelings in a well adjusted individual. It also says, to me at least, that I should watch out (but I didn't like nearly all others here I'm sure), because it's aberrant behavior.

Secondly, it says that we might be needy. I believe many BPDs use these words to sort of select who they are likely to pair up with. If you have boundaries as I've discussed and realize this is one of those statements that has sort of been delivered a little too prematurely, you'll have the ability to dial back the intensity. But if you have low self esteem yourself, this sounds like an answer to your pain or struggles.


Again, I think this says that you have weak boundaries and low self esteem issues. To respond back in such a manner serves as an invitation to take things further for both parties. If you, the nonBPD feels so empty or so needy that you will succumb to the declaration of a soulmate without giving it much thought or time to develop, it's troublesome for you the Non and you should seek out a T. But the bigger question is, "Who does that first?" Answer: Probably and likely, nobody. That's why we're all here... .


For you it might mean some fantasy. Who knows what enough is, I think that's an individual question. In other words, different for each individual. And as for how much one will take for the other person. Again, that's an individual thing. It really depends on primarily your personality, pain threshold, up bringing, etc. all of the things we discuss here.


I think the part that you don't get is, why are they all over the map, so attractive to us, but yet so painful too. It's because, they're not like us. They were either born, raised differently or a combination of the two (nature & nurture). They use their developed senses and techniques to obtain for themselves what they perceive or feel is missing, from others. How? Manipulation, objectification, etc. Whatever means necessary to survive. They're in survival mode, like we probably have never experience, most of the time. That in and of itself is why they puzzle us so. We have not experienced our existence like they have and do. It's foreign to our thinking and common ways of functioning daily. In essence, they think differently than many of the rest of us, even though there is a part of them or times that they might masquerade or appears to be just like everyone else.
For those who stay, they find a way to make it work for them. People don't stay together if they don't perceive that their needs are being met. People who leave are ones who've realized they're being abused or at a more primal level are not getting their needs met by the other. For those who are still in pain, we have still more work to do to resolve that and to move beyond it.

You are silver tongued mr. Devil! A way with words to be sure!

The difference?  Consistency. My feelings were steady and coherent throughout. Hers looked like the graph of a heartbeat on one of those machines. __/\-hit_/\-   

You sound like me! We are codependent and BPD reflects the "addict" in the codependent/addict paradigm. We ourselves have issues with self esteem and self image much as someone with BPD. For me personally, my pain and trauma from the past hasnt manifested into a BPD but as White Knight Syndrome. We dont feel we are good enough to be loved as who we are, so we need to be loved for the rescuing acts we attempt for someone. These acts being the reason we are worth being loved and kept.

White Knight + Borderline = Disaster