BPDFamily.com

I hate doing this.  There are so many other things that I'd rather do with my hard earned money than more legal work.  Even just burning it in the fire pit would at least satisfy my inner pyro (I'm an Eagle Scout - all Boy Scouts are crazy about fire.  It's inculcated into us!)

Anyway, S9 is not in school.  uPDxw is supposedly homeschooling.  Reality is she's working a job selling tree services and taking her own arborism classes.  Yeah for her trying to personally improve herself.  What's not so great is she's lugging S9 around in her car to various job sites having him do a pittance of work at her house and a good amount of time spent in the backseat of her car, or he's sitting my office with me at work reading fiction books.  She drops him off a lot with me while she goes to a class, or to some job site.  I let her drop him off because I'd rather that than him be on some site where they're chopping down trees, or just in the back of her car.

I calc'd out the percentages, we have 50/50 custody order.  I've actually had S9 70% of overnights over the past year as I get him when she's in night class, or she has an early weekend class on Saturday. 

Met the L yesterday.  Had written out my take on case.  L basically went through it, recategorized a bunch of stuff as supporting arguments, that the change in school is the change in circumstances and everything else is basically ammo to keep out of filings and try to surprise uPDxw with during deposition/trial.  L's eyes got real big when I went through a few of my recordings.  Says I have a VERY strong case to get primary if uPDxw continues to refuse to put S9 back in school.  I believe her exact words were something like "how the f*** can your ex- be so stupid to not only do this stuff, but admit it?"  uPDxw didn't know I was recording, and her escalating narcissism has her bragging and preening for all to see with just a little nudging, so it's not hard to get good stuff for my case!

Advised me to send an email, once a week to uPDxw strongly stating that S9 needs to go back to school.  Don't threaten to file, don't get into specifics, don't give away trial arguments.

L told me her sense of things was to file, get her served, get a response, and get on a judge's calendar for a temp hearing ASAP.  Then go for temp orders for primary custody so I can put S9 back in school and get his life stabilized.  After that, have a custody eval done.  Basically it's full blown custody battle time.  Bring in a custody evaluator and let 'em have at it.  Go to final hearing, get primary custody finalized.

L also told me as soon as temp primary custody orders are issued, child support payments from me to uPDxw stop.  I even get payments from her.  Won't be much with how our state's criteria work given our respective incomes, but just stopping payments will be like hitting the lottery for me.

I asked what happens if she refuses to put him back in school, I file, she starts to realize her exposure, and THEN puts him back in school.  There's still the argument that she only did it to look better to court.  Still a history of bad decisions and still her inability to provide stability for S9 due to her erratic work schedule and class schedule.  So still a good chance to get at least all the tiebreakers in decision making turned my way, as well as primary custody.

One issue, I'm living with my fiancee.  We're not married.  L recommended we get married to make it more stable.  I'd do it in a heartbeat BUT... . fiancee is taking her own classes, and getting financial aid (FAFSA).  I have a decent income.  Once married, she has to report my income as well for FAFSA eligibility.  My income is enough to make her ineligible for aid.  We don't make the cash to add in paying her tuition on our own as well.  She doesn't graduate for another year at least, likely year and a half to two years.  (She's earned an AA, but is now starting on a bachelors).  I don't want her to quit classes either.  Also, we're doing a church group for blended families once a week, and looking into doing a professional premarital counseling course anyway even if we don't marry soon.  So L says we can mitigate not being married yet by letting those things be known to the judge and showing that married or not, we're taking things seriously enough to seek out blended family peer and professional support.

I'm feeling anxious about all this.  Main thought is who has to file a frigging court case to get their kid enrolled in school?  So tired of dealing with all this BS with uPDxw.  Can't find any other chinks she could come back at me with right now, so still feeling as confident as I guess a guy can.  Anyway, will post updates as things progress.

Somebody who had a baby with a person who has BPD.

But I think you are thinking very well about this stuff and looking at all the aspects.  Stay focused on doing what you believe is right for your son, and bringing relevant information to the court, and I don't think you have anything to lose.

Control, Entitlement and Isolation are major tactics of acting-out PDs.  What better way to have even more control over the child than to home school?  (Apparently your ex isn't doing it to that extent, but some have.  I recall 95685dad said his older daughter was home schooled so she could also babysit her baby half-sister.  Eventually, the uHPDex turned the daughter against her father.)  That's why I'm very cautious about home schooling in general, while it can be wonderful for healthy families, it will fail miserably if a disordered person is in charge.  Another factor, even if the school work gets done, the children miss out on the extensive socializing with others, both adults and children.

How is your son doing in homeschooling?  As parent you have a right to progress reports, etc.

My lawyer filed for majority time and recalculation of child support.  The court did nothing until 17 months later after all the continuances, pre-trials and finally the 2 day trial.  So if you can get a temporary order first and get your son back in school, go for it.

My lawyer kept the CS aspect low key, he didn't want it to appear that I was filing just to avoid paying it.  So it was just sort of tacked on as almost an afterthought.  However, magistrate ruled that since the financials weren't submitted, then she was not being ordered to pay CS.  Hmm, what a change, I was ordered to pay child support in the past and my ex never submitted her earnings.  Only now did that issue get raised.  Small wonder.

Will she change her tactics ?

My ex has majority of time with kids (S15 and S10 now) during school year. I tried many times 4 and 3 years ago to discuss school work , etc with her. Got nowhere. Last year I tried and also copied every homework the boys had done. I discovered they were doing over 92% of their homework with me. Half of what she signed off on was grossly incorrect. It was third grade work and ex is a registered nurse (ie college graduate). I saved the money needed for an atty and decided to file a petition to modify custody. That was last August. The petition clearly states my reason: I do the majority of homework with the boys. Of course, ex has used many legal stalling tactics and we still haven't been in front of a judge. This school year started in Sept and it is now Feb. Ex still hasn't done much with either boy and their homework. I have copies of everything and yes she still gets things extremely incorrect. Several made my atty laugh out loud because they were so out there.

S10 has learned to just write what ex says to avoid punishment from ex for being disrespectful. When he gets sick he says little to his mom (a nurse) and will call me to ask what he should do.

There is an element of this for uPDxw.  It's not super strong, and nothing I plan to raise to the court right now.  However, she does feel a need to try to have S9 right under her thumb.  She got ugly with me a few months ago when I refused to give her fiancee's and fiancee's kid's cell numbers.  She felt she should be able to call any number to try to contact S9 at any time.  Ostensibly for safety.  I didn't respond when she got ugly other than to say when S9 is with me the things she was complaining about weren't up to her.  Then walked away.  

When we first split up, S9 was only 4, and I used to get asked questions like ":)addy are you a drunk?  :)addy are you mean?"  I know where that came from.  Was able to pretty effectively curb that though.  When S9 was dx'd with Asbergers and ADHD, the T noted in the report that S9 was unusually attached and close to me and there was something that was not quite right between son and his mom.  I have this in writing from a Ph.D.

Things have been relatively calm for a while, but that's because I keep very tight boundaries with her.  When she thinks she sees a crack in a boundary however, she never fails to try to hit it.


There would have to be work done to base a progress report on.  There's nothing.  I've got her on audio recording admitting and even bragging that she is doing "unschooling" and basically just letting him learn via his everyday experiences and field trips with a home school club, and not doing any kind of formal work.  The field trips seem mainly to be playing on a playground at a local park.  In other words, where the SAHM's meet up for recess.

I took S9 to a private education tutoring center for an evaluation.  I did this without informing uPDxw because I didn't want her to interfere.  S9 couldn't do the test.  He couldn't finish enough of it to get a good read on his academic progress.  I invited uPDxw to the review conference.  I have the conference audio recorded, as well as the report and recommendations they gave me.  All kinds of good stuff in it.  What's awesome is at the end of 3rd grade, S9 had to do a state mandated test for home schoolers.  He did this at home with his mom.  His score was like a 99%.  It turns out it was the EXACT same test as what this education center gave him.  I wanted a true measure of what S9 could do on his own, without his mother hovering and doing it for him.  I think the discrepancy in performance shows a lot.

The education center has a private tutoring program for kids with ADHD.  It coaches and trains them to better stay on task, pay attention, etc.  We've done OT/PT/Interactive metronome/etc. and other T based interventions, and saw improvement, but I think we've gotten out of it what we're going to.  I want to put him in the tutoring program, but unless he's in school for real, one hour of having to work for real vs. the rest of the week of goofing off is just not going to have any impact.


I don't know.  I don't think she's smart enough to figure this all out until it's too late.  I used to think differently, but I've slowly come round to the conclusion she's just dumb.  L knows it too, and wants to set this up to play on her entitlement and narcissism.  uPDxw is begging to show the world how awesome she is.  I think she's going to escalate further into projecting her super home school mom image, dig her heels in that she's not doing anything wrong, that she's miss know it all about everything, I'm a fool, and she'll want to proudly proclaim it to the court.  Otherwise, she'd have to admit I'm right and she's wrong about this whole issue, and she just isn't going to do that.

We're going to put in the filing just about the child not being school and nothing else.  Everything else, the actual parenting time, the arguments about schedule chaos, my text and audio records, it's going to be saved for when we can spring it on her.  I've got texts of her asking to drop S9 with me at work because she thinks it's better for him to be at the office with me than on a job site with her (maybe because it's cold, rainy, etc., but who cares the particulars?)  Well, that's her admitting in writing that he's better off not with her on job sites.  She's going to start keeping him with her more, and keeping him away from me on her time more after getting served.  Then she's gonna have to justify to a judge why she is admitting it's better for him to not be with her, and yet after getting served, keeping him with her in those situations.

And I'll admit I've been working with my T and reading this board, using that knowledge in how to basically set uPDxw up for this case.  L's eyes were really big when I was going through how I got her to admit what she has either on recordings or in writing, and then showing L the documentation.  L said I had it set up almost as perfect as one can do it.

The only chink in my armor is not being married to fiancee yet, but I think we've got some compelling mitigating arguments to deal with that.  Fiancee's financial situation with her own school, as well as the support things we're doing together I think show how serious we are about making this work.  Also, the house we live in, it's rented, but my name only on the lease.  So to a judge, if there's a breakup, I can say I stay in the same place, S9 stays in the same school.  

So if uPDxw changes how she's been dropping S9 off after she's served, she's got to explain later why she did that when I've got her in writing on many occasions saying how it was better for S9 to be with me prior.  

My ex first ran away in 2007. The boys were 4.5 and 8.5 at that time. She had control of them back then. I read Divorce Poison, found a T for myself, found this site, and stayed focused on our kids needs. Around the time our oldest turned 10 I noticed him questioning things. He eventually figured out I wasn't the drunk, abusive, lying, cheating sob she claimed me to be. Whe he was younger he was the golden child. When he questioned her he became the disrespectful one. Our youngest is now 10 and I see a similar behavior of questioning. My ex doesn't handle independent thinking very well. Her actions are pushing the boys further away from her and she doesn't see it because, I believe, she can't. I know if I tried to talk to her   about it she would attack me and then punish the boys.

In order to change custody I had to file Change of Circumstances.  It took over 7 months just to get a decision that there had been a change of circumstances.  A Guardian ad Litem (GAL) was assigned.  It took about 10 months to reach a settlement as outlined by the GAL.  It could have taken longer if either one of us refused to settle.  Nothing changed during those 17 months.

Since your son is currently not in school, I think part of your filing has to include a motion (perhaps a separate one?) for the court to order your son to be enrolled back in school promptly, it can't wait a year or longer for the custody issue to be resolved.  I feel you should ask for temporary custody while the case is ongoing.

Yeah, it seems appropriate to emphasize the urgency of the school issue.

A child who falls behind might struggle for years to catch up.

yeah, L is putting in the rule nisi request for the temp hearing in the initial paperwork.  we're requesting a temp hearing for temp orders to award me temp primary custody and decision making so i can stabilize his routine and put him back in school.

the change in circumstances is mom pulling him out of school.

I agree, you should be able to speed the process along to get him back in school. They call it an emergency hearing in these parts and it usually gets looked at within a week. If you have evidence showing child not keeping pace to where he should be and he has no learning disabilities you should be fine. Make sure you have overwhelming prook. It sounds like you do. Just make sure it is all there and make a page or two that gives all the facts. If ex turns around and claims he has a learning disability you can argue that he needs to be in a school where there are trained professionals that can deal with learning disabilities. Get the info on that beforehand to cover that.

My ex claimed our youngest had a learning disabilty. They tested him and found inconclusive results. She insisted he be given an IEP. Two years later, with a lot of help from me, he was retested and scored very high. His IEP was dropped and he was put in an accelerated program. He flourished. I stayed focused on him and it payed. I also noticed he realized who was helping him and who was not. My ex is a nurse and when S10 gets sick he will call me from his mom's and talk to me about it.

already got it.  and can make the point that he needs to be in school because he has the ADHD dx and she is unable to adequately help him with it.  she doesnt' have the training/background.  she's basically unfit to home school him.

Sounds like you have a good plan and should be okay in court.

My ex registered our youngest in kindergarten 6 years ago. I found out at a conference before court. I tried to explain I didn't think he was ready and that it would be better if he went into a pre k program. The court ruled that since mom was resindential parent and he was technically old enough he would go to kindergarten. Well he floundered and repeated. He did fine the second time around. However, I was concerned he viewed himself as stupid. Ex then insisted he be tested. He was the second half of the second year of kindergarten. No conclusive results but ex insisted and they gave him an IEP. I was furious and let the school know what I thought. I realized they now viewed me as the problem. I am a school teacher. I decided to stay the course and didn't really care what they thought. They didn't like me that much back then. He was given an IEP with a reading disability even though he tested extremely high on math word problems ? I pointed that out and they agreed that seemed unusual.

He went to first grade and did fine. Went to second grade and he did fine. His teacher heard what I was saying. FINALLY. She tested him in class and found he did not have a reading disability. We had a meeting. I suggested he be tested again with all the same tests he had before but at his new age. It took 6 weeks. The results came back that he was average or above average in everything except math, logic , and chemistry. In those he tested in the top 1% of the nation. They decided to put him in their accelerated program starting in third grade and renmoved his IEP. Mom objected but by then many in the school "got it". He flourished in third grade. He is now in fourth and doing extremely well. He does over 90% of his school work when he is wioth me even though mom has majority of time during the school year. I am currently going back to court to resolve this issue. I have the last two years of every homework he has done.

Like many here say it's a marathon and not a sprint.

Also, since he has an ADHD dx make sure you understand what things need to be done to help him. Get as fluent as you can. Talk to professionals and read up on it. Make sure the judge hears you and his mom.

Really good point.  If you're using the right terms, and showing you care enough to have done your homework, that will earn you a lot of credibility, and the right to ask tough questions that maybe your ex can't answer... .

I've kept in touch with the T that made the dx.  I also have the reports he gave me.  Had a few one on one sessions with the guy.  I intend to point out that when we went through the teacher, mom, and dad questionaires, dad and teacher fell in line with the T's testing results.  Mom was an outlier.  Then point out also in the report that the T specifically recommended therapeutic intervention between S9 and his mom to address issues that weren't specified.  And ask mom if she's taken any action to address it, or even discussed it all with the T.

I can go through the report recommendations and talk about what we've done, what he haven't done yet, and what I intend to do about it.  I'm going to encourage my L to put uPDxw on the stand and grill her on what she's doing for treating S9.  Then play the recording from the testing center conference as well.  Make her look like an idiot.  Then get me up there, and go through the report recommendations and say we've done this... . I want to move to this next one here.

I sent uPDxw an email saying I'm concerned about S9 and think he should go back in school two days ago.  No response.  I'll give it another day or two, then send another.  At some point, I'll try to get on recording trying to talk to her about it.  I'm pretty sure she'll just shut it down and refuse to discuss it. 

At that point, pay the retainer for filing the motion and turn the L loose.

This sounds like a really good strategy to me - use the report as the basis for your case - "My objective is to follow through on the recommendations in the report, and to do that I need this ruling from the court."  A practical plan, aimed at helping your son, not hurting your ex.

What about writing that as a proposal to your wife - in a very careful e-mail - propose exactly how you will do this, and ask her to cooperate by shifting custody to you for the next few years, so you can achieve this for your son?

If she agrees, great, you have your lawyer write it up, you both sign it, and you submit it to the court to be approved.

More likely, she won't agree, but won't have any good reason why not.  And that will show the court that you are trying to solve this problem but it can't be solved as long as she has primary custody.

Perhaps.  I'll see how she reacts to enrolling him back in school first.  There was no request for any kind of adjustment of court paperwork.  No mention of lawyers.  Just "I think he needs to go back to school".  I think her reaction will be dismissive, and get angry when I try to talk about it.  Try to inspire fear to make me go away by getting angry at me.  Typical FOG'ing behavior.

If I'm wrong and she agrees to put him back in school, I can explore more, but I don't think I'll approach her with more right now.

Only response to email from uPDxw is that she got the email but does't have time to respond due to her classes' time demands.  Going to send something else probably tomorrow morning if no response received insisting she make time to discuss/respond.  After all, S9 is supposed to have some priority as well.  She can't just ignore the issues because she doesn't have time indefinitely.  Of course, if she does, does that give me that argument she's putting other needs ahead of S9's and therefore not putting his best interest as an important priority?

Here's the approach I've found to work - not saying it will work for you... .

I write each e-mail in terms of what I will do.  Sometimes some background information if it's needed, and then the simplest possible description of exactly what I plan to do when.  "I will pick up the kids at noon Saturday and take them to the concert.  I will pay for their tickets, pick them up after the concert, and take them home, then back to you next Saturday at noon." or whatever.

Phrasing it this way takes away my ex's passive-aggressive approach, because if she doesn't respond, I just follow through and do what I said I would do.  (I usually talk with the kids in advance so they are on board the plan.)  If she responds, it's usually just "OK", or sometimes she has a good reason why my plan won't work for her, and I need to adjust.

What I want to do is take away from her the option to make problems by doing nothing - not responding.  But it's also fair to her to give her the option to object to my plan if there is a good reason, from her point of view.  Phrasing the e-mail as a description of what I will do usually does this - gives her a chance to object but not to road-block by not responding.

I've done that too, Matt, but in this case I can't just enroll him in school without her agreement.  She's got decision making over education issues. 

Doesn't that statement above sound dumb though... . not being able to enroll him school?  Up with which we put when dealing with these yahoos.

You can't make her do anything.  Insisting won't lead to a real change.  Of course you know that and I don't think you will use the word 'insist' with her but I'm wondering if there isn't some way to fulfill the law's requirement (1) without giving her an opportunity to claim you're controlling or harassing and (2) proving you've done your due diligence and have basis to head to court that she can't reasonably contest.

Let's see, son should be in fourth grade?  How long ago did she take him out of school?  How much schooling has he missed?  If it's anywhere close to a year, then it's like she just flunked him a year or held him back for a year.  Phrased that way I doubt a judge would be happy to hear that.  Outraged should be more like it.

What would happen if you sent her an e-mail:  "Son needs to be enrolled in school by next Wednesday March 5.  I will do that on Monday."

Then if she doesn't respond, and you go ahead and enroll him... . ?

Last week I took my S15 to get his drivers permit.  The form to be filled out asked for a signature from his "married parent" or "sole guardian", or if we checked the box that said ":)ivorced parents with shared custody" then it required two signatures.  I checked the box "Sole guardian", so we didn't need to get his mom's signature.  The DMV didn't challenge that - she knew I was taking him to get his permit - nobody was harmed in any way - and I didn't have to drive all over town trying to get her signature on a document, and then go back to the DMV and wait in line again.  Probably saved at least two hours of my time, and possibly more, if she had gone into passive-aggressive mode.

Similarly, if the court paperwork says that, theoretically, you should have both signatures to sign him up for school, but if you go ahead with just yours - and if you have informed her in writing of what you will be doing - maybe that would work.  (I never got her signature when I enrolled them in their current school, for that matter.)

He's waited this long, better to do it through the courts rather than overstepping his authority.  Remember too, this is part of the reason he has basis to return to court for more parental time and responsibility.  If he gets his son back in school sooner, that's good but his case for seeking custody might then be weaker.  Also, I don't know what difference a few weeks or a couple months sooner would make.  He needs to do it right and by the book.

My worry, my experience, is that the professionals will try to push for a settlement deal that fixes the schooling and leaves the rest as is.  Like putting a patch on an old wineskin, patching the biggest leak doesn't really resolve the overall issue.

S9 has been out of school for one year.  He was pulled out in February of last year.


That's why I've got such a detailed account put together showing how much time he's spent at my house and that his mother is literally not able to exercise her parenting time.  I have to be awarded majority parenting time or S9's chaotic schedule cannot be fixed.

Edited to add - Between selling tree services and her classes, she can't find time to make it to a soccer practice or even respond to an email about him.  Given those kind of time demands, how is she supposed to find time for homework, and everything else that goes with real parenting?

Is there some kind of tests that homeschooled kids have to take and pass ? If so, have it done at a school or some authority recognized by the courts. If he is behind and professionals have tested him the courts may listen.

I am a school teacher and the courts would not listen to me about anything dealing with the kids education. I think they looked at it as a bias. I had the IEP team and several adminstrators "get it" after they had enough interactions with ex. Eventually all meetings were done with the school and me. We then formulated a plan that the school would execute without my input.   As long as ex believes I am not involved everything works smoothly.

Had S9 last night (it's his mom's week though).  Seems she couldn't stay for soccer practice last night so I got him for the night after practice was over.  Things like this are a regular occurrence.  She can't see to his needs because other things are more important to her.  Not that I'm all that broken up about it as I like having him with me.  But i'm documenting it as just another instance of this happening.


In my state, the only thing they have to do is pass a state standardized test every 3 years.  Beyond that, there's nothing.  And they can log in from home and take the test with no state supervision.  S9 did his at the end of 3rd grade last year.  His mom told me she let him do the test over a period of days with him doing a bit then going and doing something else.  His score was very high once he finished it.  He had been in the Talented and Gifted program in school and was an A student prior.  To be honest, I suspect mom "helped" him get the score though.  I took him to a private tutoring center and had him do the same test under timed conditions, and he could only finish 15-20% of each section.

Last night after we got home from soccer practice and were having dinner, S9 says to me ":)addy, mommy says you want to put me back in public school."  Keep in mind she hasn't said a word to me in response to the email I sent her.  So she'll discuss it with S9, but not me.  I didn't ask him what she said, I just told him that was between me and his mother and he didn't need to be in the middle of that conversation.  Feeling pretty disgusted with her right now and it's hard to not call the L and tell her to file today.  Trying to hold out until I can send another message or two.

I am going to send an email to her that basically states what S9 told me and tell her I don't think discussing it with him is proper when her and I haven't discussed it yet, and I think he's better off not being in the middle.

This could become a blamefest, I'd get the okay from your lawyer first.  Remember, you can't reason with her, anything you send is interpreted through her veil of emotional perceptions.  Not saying you can't or shouldn't, just be sure your lawyer is kept in sync.

Also, right now your son feels free to talk with you.  (In a way he is a source.)  If you tell her not to talk to him about these adult issues the likely result is she'll keep telling him but pressure him not to tell you anything.

That's a good point.  I'll do a detailed journal entry on it and leave it at that.  It can become the subject of deposition or even a trial surprise.

When S9 asked that question perhaps you could ask him his thoughts. Yes, he is only nine but he may actually want to go to school. He is missing out on socialization which he had in the past. Having recess with his friends helps in his education.

I would stay away from discussing this with ex. The fact that S9 brought it up to you does show she is discussing things with him. He may even have wanted to talk to you about it but is hesitant. My ex punishes the kids in many different ways when they don't just go along with what she says. My T helped me with having our kids trust me so they could talk to me about what was on their mind without the fear of punishment. It took our oldest about 8 or 9 months to open up. He was about 10 at the time. Our youngest (he was about 6 at the time) took much longer.

If the state requires a test every three years and you suspect she helped him with the test last year than have him take that test again at an independent, court recognized place that follows all the state rules. That will go a long way in helping the court see what is really going on. You also need an atty that understands the rules. If you have a good atty and he/she doesn't understand the education rules than you need to educate him/her.

Already done it.  And I have a written report AND secretly recorded the follow up conference between the testing service representative, myself, and uPDxw.


My L understands it all.  She's one of the top family law L's in the state.   When I went in for the initial consult about all this, she went through a list of questions very similar to what we are doing here, and I was able to answer each w/ more than just verbal, but also put documentation in the form of texts, journals/calendars with details noted of relevant info., recordings, etc.  She was pretty much in awe that I'd had the foresight to set this up like I have. 

I'd also written up a draft motion to file.  I did it to make myself go through and organize my thoughts and what I thought the pertinent facts were.  She tore it to shreds, but it was really she didn't want to put all the facts into the motion we file, but instead make the motion very short about just saying the change in circumstances was about school.  Leave everything else out, and use it as evidence supporting the one point about school during the case.  She did tell me everything in it was relevant, just wanted to reorganize the information and not put it in the filing so as to not give away our arguments to the other side too easy.

I'm comfortable with where I'm at.  I think I've got as strong a shot at success as anyone can at this point.

Do a Google Scholar search for the word "custody" in your state. You'll have some reading to do,but it will give you a great view as to what the court deems a "material change of circumstances" and cases where the courts have reversed judgement based on new information. Sometimes,just withholding visitation time from a non custodial parent is enough to change custody.

Also,send her a registered return receipt letter about kiddos school issue.She hasn't responded to the email,so you will show due diligence to the court by sending an R3 letter. Simple and to the point,no accusations or punishment.

Keep a copy of the letter and keep the receipt and notice she's signed for it.

I've done this when denied visitation time and it's one the best things I've done.I have blocked visitation documented,with a letter signed by stbx as receiving,and my atty contacting her atty about it.

No need.  I have her acknowledging receipt in a text she sent.  I have a phone app that backs up all my texts to my GMAIL account as well.  Makes printing it out and organizing my documentation very easy.


Reviewed the case with my L - L is one of the best in the state, and thinks I've got as close to an airtight case as I can have.

I guess my only other thought is I have this fanciful thought that maybe, just maybe I can get uPDxw to agree to put him back in school without going to court again.  I'd love that.  I really don't want to go back to court again.

Come on!  Be brave and shoot for the stars.  Her putting him back into school doesn't fix the core issue - lack of reasonableness, cooperation, etc.  If you get custody or decision-making with this action then FUTURE problems will be vastly more manageable.  And you know without a doubt there will be future problems in the next 8+ years, you just don't know what they will be - yet.  The difference right now is that she's messed with something that will almost surely be a game changer.  A lot of the other thorns in your side won't get nearly as much court attention.  You may not get this good of a chance to fix the future as right now.  Some strong pain now or eight more years of medium level hassle pain.

I got custody 3 years ago.  Good but issues stayed the same.  I got majority time and all of a sudden I'm much more relaxed.  Frankly I can't imagine getting much better than this so I'm thinking any future court actions would have very little benefit.  Odds are if we go back to court it will be her filing and not me.  The only big thing I didn't get this last time was majority time during the summer but on the flip side that's not so bad since it gives me some personal freedom for a couple months where I will pull back to 50% time.

My atty filed for a change in circimstance back in August. It just mentions I do more school work with the kids than mom does and I want more time during the school year to help them. Nothing more in the petition.

I have two years worth of info. All of last year is on one page and all of this year is on one page. I have all the evidence to back each page up. That is considerable. Even wirth her knowing since this last August she still does little with either boy and their school work. I have documented that I do over 90% of all school work with the boys and she does the rest. Half of what she does with our S10 is so wrong it made my atty and several others laugh out loud.

One thing I made sure my atty understands. Every piece of info is to be presented to the judge in court. I want the judge to be overwhelmed so that he/she doesn't have to make a decision. It will all be in front of him/her.

I actually got a response from her.  Maybe i'm just too close to it emotionally, but it seems to be full of a lot of entitlement and an attitude of that refuses to see there's accountability in this world.  Response below:


A few comments/questions from me:

1 – she makes it out like S9 was miserable and wasn't doing well in any way.  I don’t remember that.  I remember him having some behavioral issues but having very good grades, being in the talented and gifted program, and also the schools testing showing his progress was 2-3 years ahead of the standard for his age.  Oh yeah, his school records remember it that way too.  The behavioral issues were really more related to him getting frustrated with having issues with learning how to fall in line in the discipline needed day to day, which his mom really had no interest in trying to help him with.


2 – this statement bothers me to no end.  Of course he does better with what he’s interested in.  She’s letting him pick whatever he wants instead of requiring him to learn fundamental math and reading/writing skills!


3 - the text records i have from her show differently.  very differently.  

4-what’s the purpose of the links to the unschooling people.  She doesn’t say anything about them…just throws them in.


5 – notice the 1 day a week class at the private academy is to free up her time for stuff she wants/needs to do.  Not much mention of a specific educational goal for him.


6 – when he was in school, I never thought he seemed to act too sad or miserable when he was with me.  He was really a happy/go lucky little boy that really didn’t like to do his homework and classwork.    


7 – that is a misrepresentation of what I said at the time.  I think I had emailed her very differently too at the time.  Will need to look that up.  I thought his school was not executing his IEP as well as could be done and wanted to address the issues.  But it wasn’t like he was failing miserably like she portrays here.  He was in TAG and was getting good grades.  I felt it could be working better for him than it was, not it wasn't working.


8 – ah hah!  Thisgenerates so much suspicion for me!  Was his mom blocking my requests behind the scenes for a resource teacher? Gotta go dig into the old school records and correspondence.  S9 is smart, only wants to please, and once he’s been coached up on what he needs to do, he wouldn’t need the extra teacher help.  It’s not a permanent thing that is needed.  i believe once S9 is coached up so he can keep his school stuff organized better himself, he'll be fine.  that sort of thing just doesn't come naturally to him.

So to summarize, it seems that because he doesn’t like doing regular school work, S9 shouldn't have to because it makes him miserable.  He also shouldn't have to learn how to sit still and behave properly in a group environment.  He shouldn't have to be held accountable.  Oh wait, we’re talking about uPDxw…the queen of refusal to accept true personal accountability and responsibility!  I think she's projecting the way she sees life should be for her also onto how life should be for S9.  The problem with that is that then S9 will turn into just a big loser as uPDxw has turned into.

Ugh.  :)oes anyone else see anything different?  Are my emotions and biases (and I admit I have them in this situation) clouding how I'm interpreting everything?

Has she been diagnosed with BPD or any other psychological disorder?

The reason I ask is, I think it takes an exceptional person to be both a mom and a teacher for all different subjects.  Not just an intelligent or broadly educated person - that much for sure - but also someone whose behavior and thinking are consistently good.

A child who is around someone with BPD all the time is at very high risk for lots of stuff long-term - substance abuse, depression, etc.

I'm not either pro-home schooling or con - I think it can work very well but I also think there are big advantages to a regular school.  But if the person doing the home schooling has any psychological disorder, I would be strongly against it, for that reason - exposing the child to that person too much just isn't healthy and the risks are very high.  (Tons of research shows that - it would be easy to prove that once she is diagnosed.)

Of course she's going to sugarcoat everything.  Do you really think she would say she can't educate him well? 

Let his past schoolwork and records versus his current tests speak for themselves.  As I wrote before, this may be the best opportunity ever to get custody and parenting changed in your favor.  Don't let it slip by.  Don't gift it away.  A situation like this that will rivet the court's attention may not come again.

Recently we restarted therapy for son, even his T asked why he was coming back after over 2 years and I replied that court expected him to return and let a T decide if and for how long it should continue.  I said his evaluations cited anxiety.  She replied that he'll have anxiety as long as his parents don't get along.  She sounds good.

So the point is that it's normal for a child with parents having some level of conflict to be affected.  My son sure was.  My son was restless and distracted in his early years.  From kindergarten to the middle of third grade he was distracted, distracting others and bright but always the last to finish.  When he turned 9 years old something clicked and was a much better student at school.  Now he's getting B's more or less.

Don't let her rewrite history.  School is good.  Socializing with other children and groups.  Structure of expected behavior and learning skills.  Etc.

As Matt said, Homeschooling has its place but the home environment must be healthy and functional for it to be successful.  Disaster looms if unhealthy and dysfunctional.

Her email sounds like she is talking about a mixture of homeschooling and montessori education.

From the little I know, montessori education takes the view that people learn things at different times. One may be interested in math and pursue that area more intensely for a time. Then your interest will follow reading, etc. Eventually it will all balance out. That type of program goes through elementary school. Once a person gets to that level in their education they go to a high school like everyone else. It works with the right person and the right teachers.

An easy way to explain it is you may be in third grade for English, sixth grade for Science, fourth grade for Math, etc. The next year you would still be taking English, Science, Math, etc. but at each new grade level or some may be at the same level until you have mastered what you need to master to move to the next level. That takes a group of trained teachers to work in that kind of system.

Sounds like your ex is taking bits and pieces of something she heard about or read somewhere.

I agree with Matt, homeschooling has it's place. Homeschooling does need structure to be successful. A good homeschooling structure also covers all the topics needed for a well rounded education. That requires discipline and a good plan from the start. Of course, things do change but if you don't have a plan it is unlikely to be successful.

The fact that your ex says he is doing well in the playground... . What 9 year old wouldn't enjoy that. My S10, if given the choice between recess or classroom time, would be at recess all day long and having fun. He would rather be hanging out with me than going to school too.

Your ex, from her emails, sounds like she is making the decision with S9's input. Whether that is true or not is not the issue. The issue I see is she is co parenting with him. My ex is good at that too. This takes all blame away from her. If it doesn't work she has someone besides herself to blame.

She's undiagnosed.  Was never willing to do any kind of personal T.  She's not BPD like most are used to.  It's really closer to a mix of NPD/bipolar.  She gets the BPD rage too, but expresses very passive aggressively most of the time.  Queen of ignorning and silent treatment, while going and doing things like spending a bunch of money and creating more debt for me, or talking about me behind my back to a bunch of our friends/acquaintances so that at social functions I got ignored or treated very brusquely, refusing all physical contact, even a hug, refusing to even begin discussions to try to resolve issues.  It was punishment for not going along with things she wanted when they weren't good ideas, and sometimes when they really weren't feasible, or even possible in reality.  I'd get punished and isolated from everyone she had contact with unless I acquiesced to her.  Which I never really did very much, so we really ended up with two totally separate friend circles, and then she'd try to interfere in that too.  But full on face to face confrontation was very, very rare.  I think I'm the only person in her life that has ever told her "no".  And she reacts like a toddler to it.  She knew she couldn't win an argument based on merits/facts of a situation, so she went other routes instead.  She still does to be honest.  A tiger doesn't change it stripes.

Our old marriage T used to tell me in private there was something going on w/ her but nobody would ever know until she accepted it and got into T.  She's got an a huge entitlement attitude, and an almost delusional attitude of grandeur about herself.  S9's T (that dx'd S9 with Asbergers and ADHD) noted something was off kilter with her that needed addressing as part of his evaluation of S9 (he based it on interviews with S9 and various questionaires and other info. he got from mom, me, and S9's teachers).


Right.  She worked at a Goodard School after we D'd.  They are an early childhood daycare/development center and have a montessori style.  I know they always had her in with the 2 and 3 year olds wiping noses and changing diapers.  They also ran a pre-k and kindergarten that S9 did there (his mom got steep discounts to the point it was cheaper for him to do pre-k/kindergarten there than regular school kindergarten and normal daycare elsewhere).  However, they never let uPDxw near any kid older than 2 or 3.  I'm sure they had some kind of on-the-job training program for employees, and uPDxw has always been one to soak up a little a bit of info. (or other personality traits from other people she decides she likes... . so she emulates them) and then think she's an expert.  The people that ran everything there were all degree'd and licensed educators.  uPDxw is thinking she's one of them herself now.

The problem is she's been exposed enough to be able to think she knows what she's doing.  It's like thinking you can do brain surgery when someone taught you how to stitch up a bad cut in the skin.  And she's mixing and matching various theories so it's all convenient for her, there's no thought at all to S9's needs and any idea that she might have to actually put in extra work gets quashed.  She finds a way to rationalize something else in her mind to get out of it.  She's also always had a staggering ability of denial of reality when it conflicts with something she wants.

I honestly think she just likes having S9 under her thumb all the time, and she's otherwise rather lazy and doesn't want to the hard work that responsible and accountable parenting requires, so she's rationalizing to herself in a way that she can give herself permission to not do it.

And yeah, she's letting S9 run the show as to what he wants to do.  There's not much in the way of discipline.  She has no self discipline herself either, so I guess that's to be expected.


Yup, I totally agree, and she'd not admit anything she's doing is wrong.  If she couldn't admit that screwing her best friend's husband was wrong when we were married (I heard her say something to the effect of it was just a bad accident but didn't mean anything many many times), then she wouldn't admit this either.

I just know my emotions are also tied up in this situation and I'm naturally pre-disposed to judging everything about her with lots of suspicion because she's turned out to be such a gigantic liar and manipulator.  

Trying to figure out my next response.  I think it's got to be short and simple, and not give away future arguments to hit her with in a trial.  Something to the effect of:  I strongly disagree that what is happening is in S9's best interest.  I don't think the amount of time I can put into teaching fundamental math, reading, and writing is enough, and I don't think he has enough structure or routine.  I very strongly feel that what's happening is not good for his long term growth or educational needs.  I really think he needs to go back to school.

I'm trying to think if I should put something in that provokes a bit of rage and splitting at me in writing.  Wondering if I can do it so what I said would look like normal to a judge later and her response would look bad.  Something that is bluntly truthful but her PD filters would twist into personal attack, that she'd then attack back on personally towards me.  I know this is bordering on getting lost in fighting with her and not focusing on S9's needs, but at the same time, I'm setting up a case to fight for primary custody, which will benefit S9, so I gotta think up tactics and strategies that will make the court outcome most likely to be favorable.  

I hate this whole thing.  Such a pain in the a$$.

I think that it would help if there was a diagnosis.  You might be able to file a motion for a Custody Evaluator to be appointed, with the instruction to administer objective psych evals like the MMPI-2 to both parents.

If there was a diagnosis of BPD or some other psychological disorder, you could easily research online to find how being with an adult who has that disorder affects a child long-term.  You could make a strong case that a child with one parent who has that disorder should be mostly in the care of the other parent, and should be in a regular school so the parent's disorder doesn't affect him too much.

Yeah.  L is already talking about filing for a custody evaluator.  Says this will likely turn into a full blown custody fight.

I just need to file and quickly get into court for a temp hearing to get temp orders for primary.  Then go through the rest of it.

A custody evaluation doesn't have to be a big huge deal, if you can find the right person to do it.  Our guy was a Ph.D. psychologist who often did CEs for this court.  He charged $5,000, which I had to pay, but I got half back in the settlement.  Plus $500 each for the psych evals - we each paid our own.  Took about six weeks including writing his report.  It was pretty thorough - I would have agreed to spend more if it was needed but what he did was good.

A strategy question to discuss with your attorney would be, is it best to tell the court right now that you believe your ex may have BPD and/or another psychological disorder, and that makes home-schooling a bad idea;  or is it best to withhold that thought til later in the process.  You will certainly need to put such a concern in very moderate terms - "Because of her patterns of behavior it is likely she may have some psychological disorder such as Borderline Personality Disorder which may make primary custody and home-schooling risky for Child long-term." or something like that (not "She has BPD!  I'm sure of it!".  You could cite specific, documented events, and some literature which supports your concerns, without making any statements you're not qualified to make.

You can also strengthen your argument by proposing moderate and balanced steps, focusing on protecting the child and getting information in front of the court.  For example, you can show statistics that the local school is a good and safe one;  you can note that you are not proposing for either parent to home-school;  and you can emphasize that you want both parents to take psych evals with the results shared with the court and both parties, but not to be made public.  Moderate, fair steps - no presumption of the outcome - not an attack on the other party - ways to protect the child and get relevant information in front of the court... .

I only communicate with ex through email. When I send an email I always write it with the thinking that a judge will be looking at it sometime in the future. I write it and walk away. I come back and look at it through the judges eyes. This helped me eliminate things that could be viewed as continuing the adversity, fighting, drama, etc. I've been doing this a few years now and I can write an email to her pretty quickly without much rewrites. Ex continues arguing, attacking, etc. Her attacks really don't affect me anymore. I have detached to the point her emails are like spam that I am ordered to open by court order.

I picked boys up yesterday. S10 had a math sheet he did at his mom's with her help. He was confused and didn't understand it. She gave him the answeres and her handwriting is on the sheet with her signature. I copied it first. I then explained what was supposed to be done. After about 5 minutes he got it. I then gave him his worksheet and had him find all the mistakes. He got everything right the first time. I signed and dated and copied it. This is "normal". Ex does about 10% of homework with him and half is wrong. I am a math teacher so I got what the worksheet was doing. If I tried to explain to ex she would immediately go into attack mode so I don't go there.

Re: Custody eval and psych evals -

i'd have to get L's recommendation, and my initial feeling (which is not always right!) is that it would be better to wait on requesting evals.  let the custody evaluator see the big picture and then then CE can chime in for that request.  uPDxw knows about my prior DV arrest (which is now expunged) with a different uBPDgf (and didn't I know how to pick 'em!), and i want to be very cognizant of not appearing to be attacking uPDxw or villianizing her.  Just sticking up for S9's best interests.

also S9's T did write into S9's eval report there is something off kilter about uPDxw so i've already got something with a Ph.D's name behind it showing a professional has recognized there's something potentially wrong with S9's mom.  i guess that could be justification for asking for the psych evals if L thinks it's a good idea.

Re:  Communicating with ex-

I do stick to written communicating.  Emails for anything significant.  Texts for general "are you on the way for pickup?" type stuff.  I have an app installed that backs up text threads to my phone so i can document it all later.  i will admit to seeing a bit meeker and boring for the last few years, and not taking the conflict baits she's left hanging out there.  she's gotten more comfortable running her mouth freely, and since i'm preparing for a case, it's made for some interesting recordings.

I've always viewed psych evals as "potentials" that may impact life to a greater or lesser degree.  I've viewed custody evals as generally including psych evals and then combining that with history, observations, interviews, etc.

So I agree, asking for a psych eval may be somewhat meaningless without the added work to determine how it should impact custody and parenting decisions.

Yeah, I'm only familiar with psych evals as part of a custody evaluation.

But a custody evaluation without psych evals - or "psych evals" that have no objective testing - might be risky.  A psychologist who thinks he can draw conclusions just by interviewing the parents and kids might be fooled by someone with a personality disorder.

I'm not even experienced in this, but my thought is keep your eye on the ball.

You asked her to consider public school because it makes you look more reasonable to the court that you discussed it with her before filing with them.

You didn't expect her to agree. She didn't.

Time to continue according to plan.

Worrying about what she said in the email is a distraction unless you actually believe her. 

I'm actually glad she sent me such a long write up full of drivel.  My L is gonna have a field day with it.

I'm just wondering about best response.  I'm thinking it's best to just be very brief and say something like "I disagree strongly and think he would be better off going to back to public school.  I think the current situation is not in his best interests and has become harmful because of the lack of structure and routine.  I don't think one day a week at an academy or other options that don't include going back to a formal full time school are acceptable for S9.  Consider me wanting to put him back in school an open ended request."  And leave it that as for discussing this with her on my own.  At this point, I don't want to give away anything that will become a point of contention in trial. 

Just need to pay the L and get this going.

She has told you she is not open to putting him in school.  You have decided that it won't work to do it without her agreement.  So court is the only option.

So... . what can be accomplished by responding to her latest note?

I've found it necessary to continually reduce the amount of communication, and make it simpler and more direct.  Just statements of fact, questions and requests, like "I will pick up the kids at noon Saturday." or ":)o you have S15's birth certificate?  I need it so he can get his drivers permit."

If you thought that one more e-mail might convince her, that would be different, but it's pretty clear it won't.

So... . your options are legal action or do nothing and look for another way to help your son.

I guess the idea is to show the judge that if it were to occur at any point before we are arguing a case in front of him/her that uPDxw changed her mind and offered to put him back in school, then I'd do that and drop out of the legal realm.  Kinda set the stage for that kind of thing.  Show I'm not trying to badger or harass her via the court system, instead I'm only focused on S9's well being.  And I really would withdraw the case if she put him back him school.  I'm not really all that thrilled about the 3rd go-round in court with her since 2009.

S9 said something the other day that gives more insight to uPDxw's thinking though.  She apparently has her boss/business partner moving in with her and she/they want to try to find a new house some place outside of our county near a lake or something. Big wooded lot, etc. is what S9 was talking about.  Sounds great and all, but it wouldn't work if S9 were enrolled in school in this county.  At least not for her.

I guess if the business partner moving in with her happens, it will balance the playing field with us both cohabitating without being married.

On a side note, the business partner, in my limited interaction with him, seems to be an okay guy.  I got no complaints about him.

What you may be showing the judge is that you haven't learned how to manage the situation.  Your behavior is dysfunctional too.

Maybe better to show that you are learning practical measures that work.

You can state in your motion, "If Ms. Ex agrees to put Son in school, I will withdraw this motion.", or something like that.  (But it's kind of implied.)

I don't feel comfortable with that, schooling isn't the only issue.  I like this better, "Ms Ex did not see a need to enroll our son back in school.  Yet the testing done thus far shows he is struggling and failing to meet standard expectations in testing.  That is why I'm asking for decision making and more parenting time with our child."

{If she suddenly relents and agrees to school}  "Ms Ex agreeing to put our son back in school does not make a deeper issue go away:  We are unable to come to agreement on core issues in parenting and I can more reasonably handle making those decisions.  I do not want our pattern to be that our parenting choices always have to be decided in a courtroom scenario.  This is not the first issue we've had and it is doubtful this will be the last.  As the more reasonable and practical parent, I am seeking decision-making to reduce the likelihood of us returning to court or at least minimize our returns here."

My point is, schooling is one incident or issue.  Other issues exist and more will keep occurring.  Dropping the case before trying to get a comprehensive solution is not a fix.  Yes, if a judge says No, then you've done what you could, but deep down you know that pulling back won't stop or minimize future conflict.

And... . Not quickly getting a temp order putting him back into a school in your area might give her additional time to move away with her BF and if then she is ordered to put him back in school it could be remote.

I would reduce it , " I think the current situation is not in S9s' best interest. The structure in a public school environment and its' supporting staff gives him the best chances for success."

That is pretty much what you have been saying in this post and it appears you have facts/evidence to back that up. Ex just has her feelings that her way is better.

L's very insistent that I get I include the statement "Can we please put him back in public school?" in a brief email.  Just sent it.  It's 3 sentences.  Just says I think he'd do better in a more structured environment and I don't think the current situation is best for his long term development.  Then asks to put him back in school.

The idea is that we have to show a judge that we tried to get what's best for S9 done, but uPDxw is obstructing.

Gonna also go ahead and start the filing process.  I know she's not going to do it because it doesn't fit in with what else she wants to do in her life.

What about her intention to (maybe) move to another school district?  Will that be an issue in the case?

I think it probably should be.

She hasn't said a word to me about it.  S9 has only mentioned it.  I don't want to bring that up with her yet.  Don't want her to turn around pressure S9 or anything.

I'll leave it to ask either in deposition, or at trial.  Or both.  Regardless, once something's filed, there's a standing RO that you can't remove the child from the court's jurisdiction, being this county.  She'd have to file something and seek court permission.

Filing sounds like a good plan so that it prevents any changes until  A) you both agree to a change, which I agree will not happen   or B) the court makes the decision. Since you have a lot of information showing what is best for S9 it forces ex to make an arguement why it is best to do what she feels is best. It sounds like she has no facts or court recognized experts, etc. so this should go fairly well for you. Make sure your atty understands what you want and you both understand the plan for court. There was a person on this site before an that insisted his atty present everything. His atty didn't think that was neccesary but he insisted or he would get another atty. It took two days in court. I remember him saying the judge was annoyed towards the end of the first day. However, halfway through the second day he said he noticed the judge began to listen more. He was awarded full custody.

A note of warning... . Most cases end in settlements.  In other words, half-measures.

Problem... . If there is only a minimal pseudo-fix of one issue and not the package, then likely you'll be back in the same situation within a year or two.

Odds are, that's all a settlement offer would be, a minimal pseudo-fix of one issue and not the package.  Probably better to proceed and let the judge make a decision.  You have real basis, child poor testing by neutral professionals, that will make a judge sit up and take notice.  A settlement - or a settlement too soon - will not resolve a majority of the issues.

Just my thoughts, knowing you'll get pressure to accept a settlement quickly.  Good thing you've got an experienced lawyer, one who knows a quick partial fix is almost worse than no fix.  Also, if you get a temp order ordering him back to school, you're halfway to your goal.  The other half is getting decision making, more parenting time or other things.

Yup.  I agree.  L is going to depose uPDxw, and then get us in front of a judge as fast as possible.  Then quick run through of past issues, make sure judge is aware of this No. 3 for us and state that I'd really like to stop running up my frequent flyer miles in court, then press for temp orders for primary custody as hard as she can.  We're going to point out that past settlements and half measures have left us where we are currently.

Oh... . by the way... . in my jurisdiction having Primary Physical Custody basically means you have everything.  Child lives with you, visits the other parent on some kind of routine basis.  You have all decision making authority, kid goes to school in your district, etc.  Also, in my state, child support is not allowed to be negotiated with the other party.  There's a state formula that takes both parents income as inputs, and outputs a number.  That number is what the state says the non-custodial parent pays.  The judges have latitude to award a downward parenting time deviation in child support for paying parents that still have the kid alot, but it's rare (but I was awarded it at our original divorce).  The idea is the kid's have a right to be supported by both parents.  The law was enacted to eliminate the courtroom antics that happen over who pays/how much/etc.  The judges aren't given much discretion other than parenting time deviation if the judge awards it, but there is ALWAYS a child support order.  A custodial parent cannot waive it because the support is the child's, not the parent's.  The parent can't waive something that isn't their's. 

So if I get temp orders for primary custody, my child support order ends, uPDxw gets a new order to pay me, and after it would be very very difficult for uPDxw to have the temp orders changed later in the case.  The whole case really swings on whether uPDxw will remain defiant after getting served and if we can get a temp hearing quickly.  It's what I was thinking to start with, and L said she thought that was the best plan after I outlined the case to her as well.

I'm getting really anxious about all this.  I've always absolutely hated having to start fight, and have always gone out of my to avoid it.  Sometimes to my own detriment later. 

Sounds like a solid, sensible plan to me.

It is commented often that trying to avoid one problem (or encounter, conflict, etc) can end up causing more trouble than if we had just dealt appropriately with the first one.  In your case, you have something which seems very actionable, you may not get an 'opportunity' like this again.

Example, a member doesn't want to cause trouble for the other spouse and so doesn't call police or make a report or drops a case in court.  Then that niceness or timidness is 'rewarded' with a similar claim against the member.  In cases like ours it doesn't pay to be too nice or too thoughtful or even too fair, it will more likely be used against us.

I know.  And I'm going to act.  Every other time I've been in the legal arena, I've done very well so far.  I'm always very prepared and very focused on our son.  She's always very focused on punishing me.  And I'm able to let her villianizing (great word my T came up with!) be water on a ducks back and stay focused.  I know I can do this. 

I'd just rather spend my money on something else... . like a 7 seater vehicle that we really need.  Or a nice cruise vacation that we also really need!

I'm wondering if there's a way to get an order for reimbursement of legal fees from a custody mod.  I know it's possible for a contempt action, but I'm not filing contempt.  Should be fun.

If the other party is acting unreasonably, and that is increasing your costs - legal fees, time off work, etc. - you can request, as part of your motion, that your costs be awarded to you - the other party will have to reimburse you reasonable and documented costs.

Our members here who have asked for that usually don't get it the first time you ask.  The judge may say, "I'm not going to award legal costs to Mr. Waddams at this time, but if either party acts unreasonably in the future I may award costs to the other party." - putting you both on notice to act right.  Then if the unreasonable behavior continues you'll have a good chance to get legal costs awarded.

Doesn't hurt to ask.  Make sure to state what unreasonable behavior the other side has engaged in, and why you think it's unreasonable, and how that has cost you more.

Paid lawyer today.  Hopefully it will be filed soon and then the fun begins.