Gearing up to file custody mod.

[marbleloser]

Do a Google Scholar search for the word "custody" in your state. You'll have some reading to do,but it will give you a great view as to what the court deems a "material change of circumstances" and cases where the courts have reversed judgement based on new information. Sometimes,just withholding visitation time from a non custodial parent is enough to change custody.

[marbleloser]

Also,send her a registered return receipt letter about kiddos school issue.She hasn't responded to the email,so you will show due diligence to the court by sending an R3 letter. Simple and to the point,no accusations or punishment.

Keep a copy of the letter and keep the receipt and notice she's signed for it.

I've done this when denied visitation time and it's one the best things I've done.I have blocked visitation documented,with a letter signed by stbx as receiving,and my atty contacting her atty about it.

[Waddams]

Also,send her a registered return receipt letter about kiddos school issue.

No need.  I have her acknowledging receipt in a text she sent.  I have a phone app that backs up all my texts to my GMAIL account as well.  Makes printing it out and organizing my documentation very easy.

Do a Google Scholar search for the word "custody" in your state. You'll have some reading to do,but it will give you a great view as to what the court deems a "material change of circumstances"

Reviewed the case with my L - L is one of the best in the state, and thinks I've got as close to an airtight case as I can have.

I guess my only other thought is I have this fanciful thought that maybe, just maybe I can get uPDxw to agree to put him back in school without going to court again.  I'd love that.  I really don't want to go back to court again.

[ForeverDad]

I guess my only other thought is I have this fanciful thought that maybe, just maybe I can get uPDxw to agree to put him back in school without going to court again.  I'd love that.  I really don't want to go back to court again.

Come on!  Be brave and shoot for the stars.  Her putting him back into school doesn't fix the core issue - lack of reasonableness, cooperation, etc.  If you get custody or decision-making with this action then FUTURE problems will be vastly more manageable.  And you know without a doubt there will be future problems in the next 8+ years, you just don't know what they will be - yet.  The difference right now is that she's messed with something that will almost surely be a game changer.  A lot of the other thorns in your side won't get nearly as much court attention.  You may not get this good of a chance to fix the future as right now.  Some strong pain now or eight more years of medium level hassle pain.

I got custody 3 years ago.  Good but issues stayed the same.  I got majority time and all of a sudden I'm much more relaxed.  Frankly I can't imagine getting much better than this so I'm thinking any future court actions would have very little benefit.  Odds are if we go back to court it will be her filing and not me.  The only big thing I didn't get this last time was majority time during the summer but on the flip side that's not so bad since it gives me some personal freedom for a couple months where I will pull back to 50% time.

[david]

My atty filed for a change in circimstance back in August. It just mentions I do more school work with the kids than mom does and I want more time during the school year to help them. Nothing more in the petition.

I have two years worth of info. All of last year is on one page and all of this year is on one page. I have all the evidence to back each page up. That is considerable. Even wirth her knowing since this last August she still does little with either boy and their school work. I have documented that I do over 90% of all school work with the boys and she does the rest. Half of what she does with our S10 is so wrong it made my atty and several others laugh out loud.

One thing I made sure my atty understands. Every piece of info is to be presented to the judge in court. I want the judge to be overwhelmed so that he/she doesn't have to make a decision. It will all be in front of him/her.

[Waddams]

I actually got a response from her.  Maybe i'm just too close to it emotionally, but it seems to be full of a lot of entitlement and an attitude of that refuses to see there's accountability in this world.  Response below:

Sorry that its taken me awhile to respond, its been rather busy the past few days.

I don't feel that public school would be a good option.  I've seen a huge improvement in S9's confidence levels and motivation in the past few months.  Some of our friends from our park group have also commented on it.  I feel that public school would put him back into a negative environment and really cause him to slide backwards again.  Learning doesn't have to happen in a classroom, it can happen anywhere.  S9 does a whole lot better when he isn't tied to a desk all day.  We can usually make any situation a learning environment.  And, as I mentioned the other day, several of the moms in our park group were amazed when I told them that he had attention problems when in school.  There are so many benefits to homeschooling that outweigh how miserable he was while in public school.  We do focus a lot of his school on what he is interested in rather than on the state standards.  Mainly because he learns better than way and retains more.  We have started learning about world war II as he has been asking me a lot of questions about it and Hitler.  I have just pulled up the standards and can work on incorporating them into what we are doing.  I'm not worried about his math as every child learns at a different time and in a different way.  He has been finding more reasons to be motivated to learn math lately, depending on what other projects he is working on.  I put an idea for math at the bottom.  I've also noticed that there are often times that we have worked on topics that his public school friends have not yet covered.  Its kind of awesome watching S9 teaching them about it - like over the weekend he was telling Katie about DaVinci (who we haven't actually covered yet).

www.naturalchild.org/guest/earl_stevens.html

www.cnn.com/2011/US/08/03/unschooling.sudbury.education/

We haven't actually been spending as much time working in the car in the past few months.  We are only actually at job sites 2-4 times a month.  We have been at home a lot more.  I'm trying to schedule as much as I can in the evenings or on the weekend when I don't have S9 with me.  One of the options that I would still very much like, is to enroll him in <private academy name redacted> one day a week.  When I had checked into it at the beginning of the school year it was going to be roughly $200/month.  This would enable me to schedule most of what I need in one day and he would be in a classroom setting taking a variety of classes.  They have everything from the basics (math, history, etc) to guitar and drama.  The class he would really enjoy is the STEM class.  I have heard many people talking about how much they love these classes.  They are alacarte classes, you can enroll in one class or the full day.  They also include parent involvement throughout the school

year.  They have several locations, including <townname redacted> (by your house) and <town name redacted>.

<weblinks to private academy pages redacted>

I have said repeatedly that I am open to suggestions or ideas.  Yes, one of his biggest struggles is with math.  I would very much like to get the 'Life of Fred' elementary math series for him.  We borrowed the first book and he has been asking for the next one.  It is roughly $150 on amazon.com.  If possible, if we could split it and each pay half, this is a set I think would benefit him greatly.

www.lifeoffredmath.com/lof-elementary.php

I really do not want to put him back in public school.  I think that it would cause him to regress instead of improving as greatly as he has been recently.  Neither of us felt like public school was working for him.  I realize that every school is different, but I don't think that a different one would really be that much better.  He would still stand out, esp if he's the only one with an extra teacher with him.  I have been working on trying to keep my schedule more open and flexible so that we are normally home in the mornings.  If we can possibly enroll him in Summit for a half or full day, that would help too. If not, I'll keep working around it the way that I have been.  I've talked with S9 and told him that we need to have more handwritten work that you can see in hopes that you can feel more involved.  You can always work with him on many things too, such as times tables and spelling.  He has also been asking me about drawing to scale.  I told him that would be a great question for him to ask you.  I am fully confident that we can work together to figure this out as we both only want what's best for S9.

A few comments/questions from me:

1 – she makes it out like S9 was miserable and wasn't doing well in any way.  I don’t remember that.  I remember him having some behavioral issues but having very good grades, being in the talented and gifted program, and also the schools testing showing his progress was 2-3 years ahead of the standard for his age.  Oh yeah, his school records remember it that way too.  The behavioral issues were really more related to him getting frustrated with having issues with learning how to fall in line in the discipline needed day to day, which his mom really had no interest in trying to help him with.

We do focus a lot of his school on what he is interested in rather than on the state standards.

2 – this statement bothers me to no end.  Of course he does better with what he’s interested in.  She’s letting him pick whatever he wants instead of requiring him to learn fundamental math and reading/writing skills!

We haven't actually been spending as much time working in the car in the past few months.  We are only actually at job sites 2-4 times a month.  We have been at home a lot more.

3 - the text records i have from her show differently.  very differently.  

4-what’s the purpose of the links to the unschooling people.  She doesn’t say anything about them…just throws them in.

When I had checked into it at the beginning of the school year it was going to be roughly $200/month.  This would enable me to schedule most of what I need in one day and he would be in a classroom setting taking a variety of classes

5 – notice the 1 day a week class at the private academy is to free up her time for stuff she wants/needs to do.  Not much mention of a specific educational goal for him.

I really do not want to put him back in public school.  I think that it would cause him to regress instead of improving as greatly as he has been recently.

6 – when he was in school, I never thought he seemed to act too sad or miserable when he was with me.  He was really a happy/go lucky little boy that really didn’t like to do his homework and classwork.    

Neither of us felt like public school was working for him.

7 – that is a misrepresentation of what I said at the time.  I think I had emailed her very differently too at the time.  Will need to look that up.  I thought his school was not executing his IEP as well as could be done and wanted to address the issues.  But it wasn’t like he was failing miserably like she portrays here.  He was in TAG and was getting good grades.  I felt it could be working better for him than it was, not it wasn't working.

He would still stand out, esp if he's the only one with an extra teacher with him.

8 – ah hah!  Thisgenerates so much suspicion for me!  Was his mom blocking my requests behind the scenes for a resource teacher? Gotta go dig into the old school records and correspondence.  S9 is smart, only wants to please, and once he’s been coached up on what he needs to do, he wouldn’t need the extra teacher help.  It’s not a permanent thing that is needed.  i believe once S9 is coached up so he can keep his school stuff organized better himself, he'll be fine.  that sort of thing just doesn't come naturally to him.

So to summarize, it seems that because he doesn’t like doing regular school work, S9 shouldn't have to because it makes him miserable.  He also shouldn't have to learn how to sit still and behave properly in a group environment.  He shouldn't have to be held accountable.  Oh wait, we’re talking about uPDxw…the queen of refusal to accept true personal accountability and responsibility!  I think she's projecting the way she sees life should be for her also onto how life should be for S9.  The problem with that is that then S9 will turn into just a big loser as uPDxw has turned into.

Ugh.  :)oes anyone else see anything different?  Are my emotions and biases (and I admit I have them in this situation) clouding how I'm interpreting everything?

[Matt]

Has she been diagnosed with BPD or any other psychological disorder?

The reason I ask is, I think it takes an exceptional person to be both a mom and a teacher for all different subjects.  Not just an intelligent or broadly educated person - that much for sure - but also someone whose behavior and thinking are consistently good.

A child who is around someone with BPD all the time is at very high risk for lots of stuff long-term - substance abuse, depression, etc.

I'm not either pro-home schooling or con - I think it can work very well but I also think there are big advantages to a regular school.  But if the person doing the home schooling has any psychological disorder, I would be strongly against it, for that reason - exposing the child to that person too much just isn't healthy and the risks are very high.  (Tons of research shows that - it would be easy to prove that once she is diagnosed.)

[ForeverDad]

Of course she's going to sugarcoat everything.  Do you really think she would say she can't educate him well? 

Let his past schoolwork and records versus his current tests speak for themselves.  As I wrote before, this may be the best opportunity ever to get custody and parenting changed in your favor.  Don't let it slip by.  Don't gift it away.  A situation like this that will rivet the court's attention may not come again.

Recently we restarted therapy for son, even his T asked why he was coming back after over 2 years and I replied that court expected him to return and let a T decide if and for how long it should continue.  I said his evaluations cited anxiety.  She replied that he'll have anxiety as long as his parents don't get along.  She sounds good.

So the point is that it's normal for a child with parents having some level of conflict to be affected.  My son sure was.  My son was restless and distracted in his early years.  From kindergarten to the middle of third grade he was distracted, distracting others and bright but always the last to finish.  When he turned 9 years old something clicked and was a much better student at school.  Now he's getting B's more or less.

Don't let her rewrite history.  School is good.  Socializing with other children and groups.  Structure of expected behavior and learning skills.  Etc.

As Matt said, Homeschooling has its place but the home environment must be healthy and functional for it to be successful.  Disaster looms if unhealthy and dysfunctional.

[david]

Her email sounds like she is talking about a mixture of homeschooling and montessori education.

From the little I know, montessori education takes the view that people learn things at different times. One may be interested in math and pursue that area more intensely for a time. Then your interest will follow reading, etc. Eventually it will all balance out. That type of program goes through elementary school. Once a person gets to that level in their education they go to a high school like everyone else. It works with the right person and the right teachers.

An easy way to explain it is you may be in third grade for English, sixth grade for Science, fourth grade for Math, etc. The next year you would still be taking English, Science, Math, etc. but at each new grade level or some may be at the same level until you have mastered what you need to master to move to the next level. That takes a group of trained teachers to work in that kind of system.

Sounds like your ex is taking bits and pieces of something she heard about or read somewhere.

I agree with Matt, homeschooling has it's place. Homeschooling does need structure to be successful. A good homeschooling structure also covers all the topics needed for a well rounded education. That requires discipline and a good plan from the start. Of course, things do change but if you don't have a plan it is unlikely to be successful.

The fact that your ex says he is doing well in the playground... . What 9 year old wouldn't enjoy that. My S10, if given the choice between recess or classroom time, would be at recess all day long and having fun. He would rather be hanging out with me than going to school too.

Your ex, from her emails, sounds like she is making the decision with S9's input. Whether that is true or not is not the issue. The issue I see is she is co parenting with him. My ex is good at that too. This takes all blame away from her. If it doesn't work she has someone besides herself to blame.

[Waddams]

Has she been diagnosed with BPD or any other psychological disorder?

She's undiagnosed.  Was never willing to do any kind of personal T.  She's not BPD like most are used to.  It's really closer to a mix of NPD/bipolar.  She gets the BPD rage too, but expresses very passive aggressively most of the time.  Queen of ignorning and silent treatment, while going and doing things like spending a bunch of money and creating more debt for me, or talking about me behind my back to a bunch of our friends/acquaintances so that at social functions I got ignored or treated very brusquely, refusing all physical contact, even a hug, refusing to even begin discussions to try to resolve issues.  It was punishment for not going along with things she wanted when they weren't good ideas, and sometimes when they really weren't feasible, or even possible in reality.  I'd get punished and isolated from everyone she had contact with unless I acquiesced to her.  Which I never really did very much, so we really ended up with two totally separate friend circles, and then she'd try to interfere in that too.  But full on face to face confrontation was very, very rare.  I think I'm the only person in her life that has ever told her "no".  And she reacts like a toddler to it.  She knew she couldn't win an argument based on merits/facts of a situation, so she went other routes instead.  She still does to be honest.  A tiger doesn't change it stripes.

Our old marriage T used to tell me in private there was something going on w/ her but nobody would ever know until she accepted it and got into T.  She's got an a huge entitlement attitude, and an almost delusional attitude of grandeur about herself.  S9's T (that dx'd S9 with Asbergers and ADHD) noted something was off kilter with her that needed addressing as part of his evaluation of S9 (he based it on interviews with S9 and various questionaires and other info. he got from mom, me, and S9's teachers).

Her email sounds like she is talking about a mixture of homeschooling and montessori education.

Right.  She worked at a Goodard School after we D'd.  They are an early childhood daycare/development center and have a montessori style.  I know they always had her in with the 2 and 3 year olds wiping noses and changing diapers.  They also ran a pre-k and kindergarten that S9 did there (his mom got steep discounts to the point it was cheaper for him to do pre-k/kindergarten there than regular school kindergarten and normal daycare elsewhere).  However, they never let uPDxw near any kid older than 2 or 3.  I'm sure they had some kind of on-the-job training program for employees, and uPDxw has always been one to soak up a little a bit of info. (or other personality traits from other people she decides she likes... . so she emulates them) and then think she's an expert.  The people that ran everything there were all degree'd and licensed educators.  uPDxw is thinking she's one of them herself now.

The problem is she's been exposed enough to be able to think she knows what she's doing.  It's like thinking you can do brain surgery when someone taught you how to stitch up a bad cut in the skin.  And she's mixing and matching various theories so it's all convenient for her, there's no thought at all to S9's needs and any idea that she might have to actually put in extra work gets quashed.  She finds a way to rationalize something else in her mind to get out of it.  She's also always had a staggering ability of denial of reality when it conflicts with something she wants.

I honestly think she just likes having S9 under her thumb all the time, and she's otherwise rather lazy and doesn't want to the hard work that responsible and accountable parenting requires, so she's rationalizing to herself in a way that she can give herself permission to not do it.

And yeah, she's letting S9 run the show as to what he wants to do.  There's not much in the way of discipline.  She has no self discipline herself either, so I guess that's to be expected.

Of course she's going to sugarcoat everything.  :)o you really think she would say she can't educate him well?  

Yup, I totally agree, and she'd not admit anything she's doing is wrong.  If she couldn't admit that screwing her best friend's husband was wrong when we were married (I heard her say something to the effect of it was just a bad accident but didn't mean anything many many times), then she wouldn't admit this either.

I just know my emotions are also tied up in this situation and I'm naturally pre-disposed to judging everything about her with lots of suspicion because she's turned out to be such a gigantic liar and manipulator.  

Trying to figure out my next response.  I think it's got to be short and simple, and not give away future arguments to hit her with in a trial.  Something to the effect of:  I strongly disagree that what is happening is in S9's best interest.  I don't think the amount of time I can put into teaching fundamental math, reading, and writing is enough, and I don't think he has enough structure or routine.  I very strongly feel that what's happening is not good for his long term growth or educational needs.  I really think he needs to go back to school.

I'm trying to think if I should put something in that provokes a bit of rage and splitting at me in writing.  Wondering if I can do it so what I said would look like normal to a judge later and her response would look bad.  Something that is bluntly truthful but her PD filters would twist into personal attack, that she'd then attack back on personally towards me.  I know this is bordering on getting lost in fighting with her and not focusing on S9's needs, but at the same time, I'm setting up a case to fight for primary custody, which will benefit S9, so I gotta think up tactics and strategies that will make the court outcome most likely to be favorable.  

I hate this whole thing.  Such a pain in the a$$.

[Matt]

I think that it would help if there was a diagnosis.  You might be able to file a motion for a Custody Evaluator to be appointed, with the instruction to administer objective psych evals like the MMPI-2 to both parents.

If there was a diagnosis of BPD or some other psychological disorder, you could easily research online to find how being with an adult who has that disorder affects a child long-term.  You could make a strong case that a child with one parent who has that disorder should be mostly in the care of the other parent, and should be in a regular school so the parent's disorder doesn't affect him too much.

[Waddams]

Yeah.  L is already talking about filing for a custody evaluator.  Says this will likely turn into a full blown custody fight.

I just need to file and quickly get into court for a temp hearing to get temp orders for primary.  Then go through the rest of it.

[Matt]

A custody evaluation doesn't have to be a big huge deal, if you can find the right person to do it.  Our guy was a Ph.D. psychologist who often did CEs for this court.  He charged $5,000, which I had to pay, but I got half back in the settlement.  Plus $500 each for the psych evals - we each paid our own.  Took about six weeks including writing his report.  It was pretty thorough - I would have agreed to spend more if it was needed but what he did was good.

A strategy question to discuss with your attorney would be, is it best to tell the court right now that you believe your ex may have BPD and/or another psychological disorder, and that makes home-schooling a bad idea;  or is it best to withhold that thought til later in the process.  You will certainly need to put such a concern in very moderate terms - "Because of her patterns of behavior it is likely she may have some psychological disorder such as Borderline Personality Disorder which may make primary custody and home-schooling risky for Child long-term." or something like that (not "She has BPD!  I'm sure of it!".  You could cite specific, documented events, and some literature which supports your concerns, without making any statements you're not qualified to make.

You can also strengthen your argument by proposing moderate and balanced steps, focusing on protecting the child and getting information in front of the court.  For example, you can show statistics that the local school is a good and safe one;  you can note that you are not proposing for either parent to home-school;  and you can emphasize that you want both parents to take psych evals with the results shared with the court and both parties, but not to be made public.  Moderate, fair steps - no presumption of the outcome - not an attack on the other party - ways to protect the child and get relevant information in front of the court... .

[david]

I only communicate with ex through email. When I send an email I always write it with the thinking that a judge will be looking at it sometime in the future. I write it and walk away. I come back and look at it through the judges eyes. This helped me eliminate things that could be viewed as continuing the adversity, fighting, drama, etc. I've been doing this a few years now and I can write an email to her pretty quickly without much rewrites. Ex continues arguing, attacking, etc. Her attacks really don't affect me anymore. I have detached to the point her emails are like spam that I am ordered to open by court order.

I picked boys up yesterday. S10 had a math sheet he did at his mom's with her help. He was confused and didn't understand it. She gave him the answeres and her handwriting is on the sheet with her signature. I copied it first. I then explained what was supposed to be done. After about 5 minutes he got it. I then gave him his worksheet and had him find all the mistakes. He got everything right the first time. I signed and dated and copied it. This is "normal". Ex does about 10% of homework with him and half is wrong. I am a math teacher so I got what the worksheet was doing. If I tried to explain to ex she would immediately go into attack mode so I don't go there.

[Waddams]

Re: Custody eval and psych evals -

i'd have to get L's recommendation, and my initial feeling (which is not always right!) is that it would be better to wait on requesting evals.  let the custody evaluator see the big picture and then then CE can chime in for that request.  uPDxw knows about my prior DV arrest (which is now expunged) with a different uBPDgf (and didn't I know how to pick 'em!), and i want to be very cognizant of not appearing to be attacking uPDxw or villianizing her.  Just sticking up for S9's best interests.

also S9's T did write into S9's eval report there is something off kilter about uPDxw so i've already got something with a Ph.D's name behind it showing a professional has recognized there's something potentially wrong with S9's mom.  i guess that could be justification for asking for the psych evals if L thinks it's a good idea.

Re:  Communicating with ex-

I do stick to written communicating.  Emails for anything significant.  Texts for general "are you on the way for pickup?" type stuff.  I have an app installed that backs up text threads to my phone so i can document it all later.  i will admit to seeing a bit meeker and boring for the last few years, and not taking the conflict baits she's left hanging out there.  she's gotten more comfortable running her mouth freely, and since i'm preparing for a case, it's made for some interesting recordings.

[ForeverDad]

I've always viewed psych evals as "potentials" that may impact life to a greater or lesser degree.  I've viewed custody evals as generally including psych evals and then combining that with history, observations, interviews, etc.

So I agree, asking for a psych eval may be somewhat meaningless without the added work to determine how it should impact custody and parenting decisions.

[Matt]

Yeah, I'm only familiar with psych evals as part of a custody evaluation.

But a custody evaluation without psych evals - or "psych evals" that have no objective testing - might be risky.  A psychologist who thinks he can draw conclusions just by interviewing the parents and kids might be fooled by someone with a personality disorder.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm not even experienced in this, but my thought is keep your eye on the ball.

You asked her to consider public school because it makes you look more reasonable to the court that you discussed it with her before filing with them.

You didn't expect her to agree. She didn't.

Time to continue according to plan.

Worrying about what she said in the email is a distraction unless you actually believe her. 

[Waddams]

I'm not even experienced in this, but my thought is keep your eye on the ball.

You asked her to consider public school because it makes you look more reasonable to the court that you discussed it with her before filing with them.

You didn't expect her to agree. She didn't.

Time to continue according to plan.

Worrying about what she said in the email is a distraction unless you actually believe her.

I'm actually glad she sent me such a long write up full of drivel.  My L is gonna have a field day with it.

I'm just wondering about best response.  I'm thinking it's best to just be very brief and say something like "I disagree strongly and think he would be better off going to back to public school.  I think the current situation is not in his best interests and has become harmful because of the lack of structure and routine.  I don't think one day a week at an academy or other options that don't include going back to a formal full time school are acceptable for S9.  Consider me wanting to put him back in school an open ended request."  And leave it that as for discussing this with her on my own.  At this point, I don't want to give away anything that will become a point of contention in trial. 

Just need to pay the L and get this going.

[Matt]

She has told you she is not open to putting him in school.  You have decided that it won't work to do it without her agreement.  So court is the only option.

So... . what can be accomplished by responding to her latest note?

I've found it necessary to continually reduce the amount of communication, and make it simpler and more direct.  Just statements of fact, questions and requests, like "I will pick up the kids at noon Saturday." or ":)o you have S15's birth certificate?  I need it so he can get his drivers permit."

If you thought that one more e-mail might convince her, that would be different, but it's pretty clear it won't.

So... . your options are legal action or do nothing and look for another way to help your son.

[Waddams]

So... . what can be accomplished by responding to her latest note?

I guess the idea is to show the judge that if it were to occur at any point before we are arguing a case in front of him/her that uPDxw changed her mind and offered to put him back in school, then I'd do that and drop out of the legal realm.  Kinda set the stage for that kind of thing.  Show I'm not trying to badger or harass her via the court system, instead I'm only focused on S9's well being.  And I really would withdraw the case if she put him back him school.  I'm not really all that thrilled about the 3rd go-round in court with her since 2009.

S9 said something the other day that gives more insight to uPDxw's thinking though.  She apparently has her boss/business partner moving in with her and she/they want to try to find a new house some place outside of our county near a lake or something. Big wooded lot, etc. is what S9 was talking about.  Sounds great and all, but it wouldn't work if S9 were enrolled in school in this county.  At least not for her.

I guess if the business partner moving in with her happens, it will balance the playing field with us both cohabitating without being married.

On a side note, the business partner, in my limited interaction with him, seems to be an okay guy.  I got no complaints about him.

[Matt]

What you may be showing the judge is that you haven't learned how to manage the situation.  Your behavior is dysfunctional too.

Maybe better to show that you are learning practical measures that work.

You can state in your motion, "If Ms. Ex agrees to put Son in school, I will withdraw this motion.", or something like that.  (But it's kind of implied.)

[ForeverDad]

You can state in your motion, "If Ms. Ex agrees to put Son in school, I will withdraw this motion.", or something like that.  (But it's kind of implied.)

I don't feel comfortable with that, schooling isn't the only issue.  I like this better, "Ms Ex did not see a need to enroll our son back in school.  Yet the testing done thus far shows he is struggling and failing to meet standard expectations in testing.  That is why I'm asking for decision making and more parenting time with our child."

{If she suddenly relents and agrees to school}  "Ms Ex agreeing to put our son back in school does not make a deeper issue go away:  We are unable to come to agreement on core issues in parenting and I can more reasonably handle making those decisions.  I do not want our pattern to be that our parenting choices always have to be decided in a courtroom scenario.  This is not the first issue we've had and it is doubtful this will be the last.  As the more reasonable and practical parent, I am seeking decision-making to reduce the likelihood of us returning to court or at least minimize our returns here."

My point is, schooling is one incident or issue.  Other issues exist and more will keep occurring.  Dropping the case before trying to get a comprehensive solution is not a fix.  Yes, if a judge says No, then you've done what you could, but deep down you know that pulling back won't stop or minimize future conflict.

And... . Not quickly getting a temp order putting him back into a school in your area might give her additional time to move away with her BF and if then she is ordered to put him back in school it could be remote.

[david]

I would reduce it , " I think the current situation is not in S9s' best interest. The structure in a public school environment and its' supporting staff gives him the best chances for success."

That is pretty much what you have been saying in this post and it appears you have facts/evidence to back that up. Ex just has her feelings that her way is better.

[Waddams]

L's very insistent that I get I include the statement "Can we please put him back in public school?" in a brief email.  Just sent it.  It's 3 sentences.  Just says I think he'd do better in a more structured environment and I don't think the current situation is best for his long term development.  Then asks to put him back in school.

The idea is that we have to show a judge that we tried to get what's best for S9 done, but uPDxw is obstructing.

Gonna also go ahead and start the filing process.  I know she's not going to do it because it doesn't fit in with what else she wants to do in her life.

[Matt]

What about her intention to (maybe) move to another school district?  Will that be an issue in the case?

I think it probably should be.

[Waddams]

What about her intention to (maybe) move to another school district?  Will that be an issue in the case?

She hasn't said a word to me about it.  S9 has only mentioned it.  I don't want to bring that up with her yet.  Don't want her to turn around pressure S9 or anything.

I'll leave it to ask either in deposition, or at trial.  Or both.  Regardless, once something's filed, there's a standing RO that you can't remove the child from the court's jurisdiction, being this county.  She'd have to file something and seek court permission.

[david]

Filing sounds like a good plan so that it prevents any changes until  A) you both agree to a change, which I agree will not happen   or B) the court makes the decision. Since you have a lot of information showing what is best for S9 it forces ex to make an arguement why it is best to do what she feels is best. It sounds like she has no facts or court recognized experts, etc. so this should go fairly well for you. Make sure your atty understands what you want and you both understand the plan for court. There was a person on this site before an that insisted his atty present everything. His atty didn't think that was neccesary but he insisted or he would get another atty. It took two days in court. I remember him saying the judge was annoyed towards the end of the first day. However, halfway through the second day he said he noticed the judge began to listen more. He was awarded full custody.

[ForeverDad]

A note of warning... . Most cases end in settlements.  In other words, half-measures.

Problem... . If there is only a minimal pseudo-fix of one issue and not the package, then likely you'll be back in the same situation within a year or two.

Odds are, that's all a settlement offer would be, a minimal pseudo-fix of one issue and not the package.  Probably better to proceed and let the judge make a decision.  You have real basis, child poor testing by neutral professionals, that will make a judge sit up and take notice.  A settlement - or a settlement too soon - will not resolve a majority of the issues.

Just my thoughts, knowing you'll get pressure to accept a settlement quickly.  Good thing you've got an experienced lawyer, one who knows a quick partial fix is almost worse than no fix.  Also, if you get a temp order ordering him back to school, you're halfway to your goal.  The other half is getting decision making, more parenting time or other things.

[Waddams]

A note of warning... . Most cases end in settlements.  In other words, half-measures.

Problem... . If there is only a minimal pseudo-fix of one issue and not the package, then likely you'll be back in the same situation within a year or two.

Yup.  I agree.  L is going to depose uPDxw, and then get us in front of a judge as fast as possible.  Then quick run through of past issues, make sure judge is aware of this No. 3 for us and state that I'd really like to stop running up my frequent flyer miles in court, then press for temp orders for primary custody as hard as she can.  We're going to point out that past settlements and half measures have left us where we are currently.

Oh... . by the way... . in my jurisdiction having Primary Physical Custody basically means you have everything.  Child lives with you, visits the other parent on some kind of routine basis.  You have all decision making authority, kid goes to school in your district, etc.  Also, in my state, child support is not allowed to be negotiated with the other party.  There's a state formula that takes both parents income as inputs, and outputs a number.  That number is what the state says the non-custodial parent pays.  The judges have latitude to award a downward parenting time deviation in child support for paying parents that still have the kid alot, but it's rare (but I was awarded it at our original divorce).  The idea is the kid's have a right to be supported by both parents.  The law was enacted to eliminate the courtroom antics that happen over who pays/how much/etc.  The judges aren't given much discretion other than parenting time deviation if the judge awards it, but there is ALWAYS a child support order.  A custodial parent cannot waive it because the support is the child's, not the parent's.  The parent can't waive something that isn't their's. 

So if I get temp orders for primary custody, my child support order ends, uPDxw gets a new order to pay me, and after it would be very very difficult for uPDxw to have the temp orders changed later in the case.  The whole case really swings on whether uPDxw will remain defiant after getting served and if we can get a temp hearing quickly.  It's what I was thinking to start with, and L said she thought that was the best plan after I outlined the case to her as well.

I'm getting really anxious about all this.  I've always absolutely hated having to start fight, and have always gone out of my to avoid it.  Sometimes to my own detriment later.