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My BPDexgf broke up with me 3 months ago. During the breakup, she was really abusive and really brought my self esteem down (insulting me, my family). 24 hours after the breakup she was talking to me like a complete stranger and yelling at me. I talked to her since then 4-5 times (I made the move everytime). Everytime I talked to her, I found out later that 50% of what she was telling me was lies. For example: said that her parents are mad at me (her parents really like me and told me they never said anything bad about me and admited that she had a problem), sometimes she would say that she moved on and others that she still have open wounds, that it will take her time to date again as I was the man of her life but she d rather stay alone all her life than be with me (she actually was dating someone else a month after the breakup). Last time we spoke 2 weeks ago it was because her stuff was still at my place, I confronted her about some lies she said. She was denying. I told her I spoke to her ex (I didn't actually spoke to him but a friend of his and their relationship was exactly the same pattern). The line broke up. I called her back. She never answered. With all the proofs that she most probably is BPD and all the lies she made up during the r/s, I do understand that NC is the best thing but It s like my mind doesnt want to move on. I think about her constantly. I still have a hard time sleeping (not more than 5 hours straight) and it affects my professional life. I started seeing a girl last week. We went on a date. It went well but It s like my focus is still on my ex. I can't stop thinking about her. How long did it take to you guys to actually move on? Our r/s was 3 years and we lived together officially for 1 year even though she was 70% of the time at my place before. I was providing for everything (restaurant, food, housing) Also, i never confronted her about her lies during the r/s because she was so persuasive that I always ended up thinking that I was the one who misunderstood or didn't hear well. it was a big shock for me when I found out all the lies at the end of the r/s.

I am still asking myself questions like how did she move on so fast ? How come I didn't see all her manipulation and lying game? My sisters were warning me that she was a liar but I never paid attention to what they told me. My aunt (who raised me) was visiting from abroad at my place during the summer. My ex immediately starting hating her for no reason. Everytime I was coming back home from work, she was telling about stuff my aunt was telling her. When I was asking my aunt, she would be I didn't say anything. She barely says hi to me. She even pushed it to the point that if we have kids one day she doesn't want my aunt to come close to them. In the beginning, my family liked her but slowly they noticed her lies and immaturity.

I am always stuck with these thoughts all day long. All my friends I am talking to dont understand how come I am still dwelling over her. It is kind I am still clinging to the words she was saying during the r/s (promise me you will never leave me? I love you forever, you are the man of my life). She was repeating that constantly. When we had arguments, It was like i was painted black right away and it would take me all the energy in the world to bring her back to better feelings. I really want to move on and forget about her but I still have this little thought that maybe in a few months she will get treated and will understand how bad she treated me and how good I was to her.

Hey dzstyle,

Your scenario is a familiar one.  Three months is not that long to get over a three year r/s, particularly after living together for a year, so give yourself a break.  I predict that, at some point not too far down the road, you will be grateful to have moved on.  In the meantime, I suggest you focus more on yourself and why you were drawn to a pwBPD rather than on unrealistic expectations that she will get help, realize the error of her ways and come running back to you, which in my view is highly unlikely.

Lucky Jim

DZstyle

You are exactly where I was at 3 months. I am now at the 6 month mark and things have started getting better, life has a purpose again and I seem to have manufactured some sort of closure. I would love to hear experiences if people who are 9 months, 12 months and 18 months out.

At 6 months, the trauma bond has been broken to a large extent, and the toxicity has depleted. Yes I still get days of depression, sorrow and anger but I made huge efforts to fill my time after the break up - so there are good memories even in the darkest days post break up. I am not fully healed yet so like yourself am looking for the answer to how long or at least how people feel further down the line.

Dz,

It will take a while to get over women like these. I saw myself in allot of your story there.  The trying to alienate people that love you, like your aunt, my sister, my mother, etc. That is a classic for an abusive relationship.

My son's mother is the professional victim. That is how I came to find out about Borderline Personality Disorder.  I googled "professional victim". 

The problem with this type of victim mentality is that victim's never get free. They are always at constant odds and have problems with the world about them.  What kind of way to live is that?

When I caught my son's mother in my replacement's SUV early x mas morning, it tore me to pieces. I wanted to die, I wanted her to die, I wanted him to die. I wanted to grab him from his high tower of finance office, drag him by the ankles 37 flights of stairs, bring him into the parking lot and thumb rocks into his ears... . but some of the best advice that I got was to do nothing.  And for several weeks afterwards, I WAS THE VICTIM.  I acted, looked, and talked the talk of someone that was victimized.  But I wasn't... . looking at the relationship from my part, I can clearly see that I had a very important role to play in its demise.  I can tell you I was the perfect man to her, and I would be lying to you.  You see, my ego, my pride doesn't want me to see the truth about myself- because if I do, it can no longer be someone else's fault, and I would have to own MY OWN behavior.  Ego and pride are two very strong and very dangerous parts to my psyche... .

And that's what I did,... . nothing. And instead, I did everything about me. I went to see a P, and I will continue to see him every Friday, until he tells me I no longer need to.  More importantly, I looked at me and what I could change in myself, my attitude, and my spirit.

How long does it take?  I may never be able to forget about my son's mother, never be able to not care about her, and she may be around til the last song fades, and the music dies... .

But she will NEVER control my thoughts, how I feel, how I react, where I am, what I stand for... . she will never take away my attitude, my grace, my serenity... . never again in a million years.

Stay strong for you, have hope, find faith, and search for your own truths- then you won't care when you are over this woman because it will no longer matter.  I'm okay with loving this woman until the day I die... . just over very large distances... . it just feels better than hating her, you know?

Arn

Dear DZstyle,

It's really not about getting over her. It's about acceptance... Accept the fact that this happened to you and try to figure out for yourself why.

BPD's move on because they know no other way. I have spoken to many people afflicted and they always say the same. If they would confront themselves with their past relationships, their false identity would literally die. They need to move on. Without remorse, empathy or thoughts about their ex's. However, they know they have done wrong and it does afflict them, so their further existence is basically "hit and run".

Your rumination is normal. There is no closure and there are no answers. You are trauma-bonded with your ex. She brought out the best and the worst in you. That's what BPD's do best. They lie, manipulate, and brainwash. You and everybody around you. So you become theirs and theirs alone. Any connection with you and the outside world they see as a threat to their abandonment issues. Your aunt, family, whatever.

Honestly, you have a long way to go, but what your going through is healthy and important. You need to grieve, ruminate and relive. At some point, you will get to the question why you chose this relationship. After that, it's important to examine yourself. Your childhood issues and what made you susceptible to a relationship with a borderline.

Look through the stages of grief. You will go back and forth between them many times, finally settling between anger and acceptance. You will learn to let go and your future will be brighter and a virtual revelation!

I am 18 months out and although I still think about my ex daily, I know that my experience with her has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. It helped me to discover the path to my real, true self. See it as a blessing not a curse. You cannot help her and she will never, ever feel what you feel. In the end, you will feel pity and ultimately indifference... .

The most important person in your life is... . , you. :-)

All the best, mrclear.

Thanks a lot my friends! Your words really helped me to get through the afternoon. It's a big relief to see that there are people that have been through, healed and became better persons. Lately, my mood is really going through cycles. Things that I really regret are that I begged her to comeback for the first two weeks than the other 4-5 times I talked to her was to try to establish a closure (mostly friends). I feel like a brought my ego to the floor for someone who doesn't even deserve it. I am questioning myself why I let her move in my house (she put the pressure on me to move in together. At that time, her parents were renting her a place. As she was most of the time at my place, she wanted to move in with me. She ended up not paying a single dime). I regret not listening to myself sometimes when I knew that bringing her to move in with me will probably jeopardize my relationship with my family as they won't be able to come and visit.  Sometimes after her verbal abuse, I was really always an inch breaking up with her but I would comeback to normal when I see her.

It is really hard for me to accept that I might probably never have any news from that girl anymore. I have been seeing a T for almost 2 months. He thinks that I suffer from social anxiety and low self esteem which probably kept me into the relationship as I was scared not to find another girl (I was 25 at the beginning of the r/s and it was my first serious relationship). During my childhood, I was constantly bullied and mocked by other children at school. Even though, I now have a really good job, good looking appearance. I still suffer from low self esteem.

Hi dzstyle,

This is my first post on here, as I am fairly new to this too.

I was amazed at the similarities of your situation to mine.

I'm 25, first relationship as well, 2 months post break up (her ending it too), and feeling the roller coaster of emotions without having the much wanted closure.

As I imagine you feel as well, it feels that you're entire world falls apart, despite it only being the relationship and companionship that is ending (we retain our good jobs, good friends, etc.). It is difficult to comprehend and process, and for me, it results in many more questions than answers.

So it is comforting in a sense to know that I'm not alone.

I too often ask myself how long it might take to get over.

Unfortunately I can't answer this for you, and I don't think there is a definitive answer (as it will be different from person to person, and by situation).

So while I can't offer you any advice, it sometimes helps just to know that somebody else out there is feeling the exact same way, and you aren't alone.

Personally, I'm just trying to look after myself, keep busy as much as possible, talk to friends, and regain the appreciation I had for myself before entering the relationship.

And whilst the relationship might seem like a web of lies to me now, and the person may seem so distant to who I thought she was initially, I am trying to be thankful for the better times and experiences had along the way (while trying not to think about it too often at the same time).

But I guess it is a personal experience and about what finding what works for you (coping mechanisms).

I wish you well in the recovery process.

You're not alone!

We all stay in abusive relationships for a reason.

I didn't have to get over my ex - I had to get through my own issues that got me into the relationship. And why I stayed despite the abuse.

It took me 18 months to really get it and for it all to sink down to the head and heart level.

We don't detach until we begin to turn the focus on us.

Lovely posts by Dansure and Clearmind.

It appears 18 months is about the length of time for the whole saga to really sink through. After 6 months I feel I am only now starting to look at my issues of why I allowed a lot of the abuse to take place. The healing has been hard due to the smear campaign and flaunting of the new love in the BPDex life - this makes the healing so much more difficult - the triangualation alone is enough to cause severe trauma.

I also feel that the healing takes that much longer than a 'normal' relationship due to the self doubts post break up - the questions 'Was it me?' 'Was I not good enough?' etc. The mind plays awful tricks and you feel like you are battling your own sanity as well as trying to progress with life, its very tough.

I still have the doubts as to whether I was just a 'fill in' for my BPDex before she returned to her once 'abusive' ex - was I just used? and was I the problem in the relationship? I have had to battle, and still battle with telling myself 'No'. Yes I made mistakes in the relationship, but some of the insane things that occurred were not my fault, the projections, gas lighting, the cruel remarks etc, whether it was me or not, she was a callous and vindictive individual in the end towards me, so either way I am best away from it.

Does it still hurt after 6 months, god yes, but I'm on the right road to recovery. No contact has been set in stone long ago, so now it is just a matter of time.

I don't think they use you, as in they plan for stay with you for a while until they don't need you anymore and then move to the next victim. It's just how they work, it's a disorder and it's not a coincident that so many here share a similar story. She didn't use you, she just couldn't give you a normal, long-lasting relationship and provide you with the kind of love a healthy woman could give you.

You probably did mistakes. And some flaws of the relationship are most probably your fault. It's normal that we do mistakes in a relationship. Conflict can be healthy, because it helps us to understand our partner better and learn about their boundaries and needs. However, it's only healthy if you can learn from it, if you apologize when you did a mistake and try to make things better. Fighting over the same things over and over again, blame shifting, apologies that are nothing but lip service and gaslighting are not healthy conflict. But BPDs are not able to have healthy conflicts. That's why the relationship often doesn't last long after the honeymoon period. And that won't change for their future partners. Maybe it will take longer before they have conflicts, but sooner or later they will, because its human. And just like the conflicts we had with them never got resolved in a healthy way, the conflicts they have with their future partners won't be resolved in a healthy manner either. If the next partner can live with a relationship with a bunch of unresolved conflicts then it's up to him. As for us, we need to be happy to be out of it.

Went for a second date with the girl I've met. We ended up having sex at my place. It was the most awkward experience I ever had. I immediately started thinking about my ex. This girl is not as attractive as my ex. Although I didn't enjoy the experience, the girl didn't seem to notice. I couldn't sleep the whole night. Does that mean I am still not ready for dating? did it happen to anyone of you?

I'm 10 months down the line, and I still think about her EVERY day. In the first 6-7 months I thought about her ALL the time.

Now she pops up in my thoughts every 2-3 hours, and of course at times - like when reading posting here, she is present for longer periods. Otherwise, it's more like she pops up, and leaves again once something distracts me.

Guilthaunted - really, really helpful post from yourself being a little further out than me. I thought about her all the time and am only now seeing the 'flashes' of the 'popping up' stage you mentioned. Heartening to know that although that it does progressively get better.

Don't be alarmed if taking a step back, as from my experience it will happen too. I.e. you will have days again, where you think about her all the time. I guess you just have to work through. Those are the times where it is the hardest not to break NC.

I just wish someone could describe the next stage? What comes after the popping up? How does it progress. Is it linear, more and more selten they pop up? Or is it all of a sudden that they are just gone? Is it an event (like a new R/S) that makes you progress, or just time?

I second guilt haunted here as well. I suppose asking how somebody feels around months 13,14 and 15 after relationship.

Reading this thread blows me away.  It's like we're all dating the same person. 

It's just so shocking how this type of female affects us.  None of my breakups ever in the past has affected me like this.  I usually get over it in 2-3 weeks but this relationship was just mind-blowing.

The trauma that I had was definitely from the Triangulation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0).  My ex dragged me into not one, but TWO Triangulation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0)s.  The first one I let it slide because she had a pretty good excuse.  Then she brought another one on board a month later.

I swear, i was having trauma every time she flaked out on me.  I felt like she was waiting for a reply from someone else to get a confirmation and then flake out on me. 

That happened so many times it was so rough.  I was overlooking that redflag because of "love".

dzstyle -- if you were with this person for 3 years it's going to take you years to 'completely' get over this r/s. 3 months is nothing. if you're already dating other women you're ahead of the game. but you will still be hurting for a while coming, and this is ok.

i suggest not focussing on when the hurt will end at this point--rather focus on how you behave as you walk through this dark stage in your life.

someone told me it takes half the time that you were in a r/s to get over it, and i think this is a somewhat decent rule of thumb to use. for you since you were in the trenches for 3 years, plan on this being a big part of your life for at least 1.5 years.

as far as dating others, having sex, etc -- it's up to you to determine this. it's always awkward at first and you will incorrectly start comparing an idealized version of your ex to the woman you are currently dating. many folks will tell you to not see anyone and deal with your issues alone--this can actually be really good advice. in my case however, it was healing for me to start dating and getting validation from other women. i had been devalued and lied to about my worth, having another woman lust for me (and me for them), having fun emotions with them, sexual validation was very healing for me, even though i wasn't completely 'over it'.

i am 2 years out of a 4 year r/s with uxBPDgf and hell no do i think i should have waited 2 years to start dating or having great sex. here's the thing though! be respectful and honest with the women in your life. no matter how casual it may be. even when it's challenging give them the undivided attention that they deserve if you choose to share intimacy with them, and when feelings for your ex bubble up, make sure to try your best to not hurt these women with your past traumas. because in reality that's the BS your ex is doing to all the men she's seeing (hurting them b/c of her past trauma). if you feel like you are going to hurt a woman's feelings because you are still healing then talk to her about it or stop... . but if you can handle the situation with integrity and honesty, even if not perfect, then judge for yourself if it makes you feel good and go from there.

as long as you know that sex with someone else won't fix your situation and you don't have unrealistic expectations, it can be healing if you are careful and considerate to your current partner. i see the women i was with since my breakup kind of like angels that restored my sense of manhood and masculinity. and i only hope i gave them the same amount of pleasure in return.

you will be managing this pain for *years*, and it's ok... ok? it's in *how* you manage it, so don't worry so much about when it will 'stop'. you'll be doing so great and feel like you're on top of the world for a few days a few months from now and then you'll fall back into some depression for a few days, like, where did that come from? just know this is a natural cycle for working through trauma. congrats on getting laid!  << and ya, take a break from this if you feel you're not ready. AND STOP trying to find some girl as 'fine' as your ex! Good lord this is the lesson i had to take away from this. Us men are soo fckgn VISUAL it's sickening. Ughhhh. I'm still working on this myself. You're going to start noticing a lot of beauty in a lot of new and interesting ways in women that you didn't before b/c some physical features your ex had was blinding you to it. Good grief what have i written?

How long to get over it?

Dont know, I dont think there is a standard for the time it takes to get over a r/s. When a r/s comes to its 'natural' end, it may take some time to get used to being alone again and to proces the r/s. The aftermath of a troubled or toxic r/s is quite different I suppose, because there is so much more confusing emotions and unanswered questions to deal with.

I am out now for 3,5 months, and slowly starting to feel a little bit better. I dont feel the raw pain anymore but the ruminations are still there.

I'll tell you, a really excellent piece about our subsequent relationships and 'sex life' after the BPD trauma. Although we have supportive friends, family and these boards we are still alone in coping with the trauma and rebalancing our returning or newly acquired boundaries, namely in the dating/sex arena - it is here that we are alone as we do not have a therapist, parent, family member or friend with us at these points so we have to trust in our judgements (that have been knocked by the BPDex). Slowly they are returning, but it does feel hit or miss to start with.


This is an absolute golden statement and one which when we do come to terms with it has an enormous (positive) impact on our healing process.

Amazing thread so far as it is uncanny how people feel/felt very similar at different stages of the healing process e.g.




This was so true of me at 3.5 months - the pain had subsided and my anxiety was waning but the ruminations were still in flow at this point - at 6 months the ruminations have died down a bit, but are still there.

It is exactly the same for me. Anxiety is slowly vanishig although morning are still hard and I m still not able to sleep more than 5-6 hours straight. The last 2-3 days I started to realize how toxic were her lies (she basically lied about most of her past, the people that she knowed,her family), her gazlights, her ultimatums, her verbal abuse (I am 6'3. She was 5'4. She used to tell me that she yelled at me because I was 1 foot taller than her. Sometimes, she would tell me that I was the one who started screaming which never happened), the number of times I was thinking that I was the one that was crazy because she was denying stuff she told me before. The fact that she was hanging out with tons of guys. Sometimes, she was flirting with guys in bars in front of me. Also, everything I did for her. Took her out to the best restaurants in town. She stayed at my house all expenses paid without getting any gratefulness even during the break up.

It is like my eyes are starting to open up on how messy the r/s was. Sometimes, I still beat myself on how come I didn't see any of this while I was in the r/s. The first 3 months after the break up, the trauma bond was still present and kind of blinded me to all this issues. I still ruminate about her everyday but I think I m slowly going towards the right direction. What bothers me a lot is probably the smear campaign. All her friends deleted me from facebook except her two sisters who know the truth (they were really supportive after the break up). It's like I feel really bothered that the truth about her will never come out. I still dread the day I will stumble into her. It's like I still have so much anger I won't be able to restrain myself.

The girl I slept with is cool although not as attractive as my ex. Sex was really not as good as with my ex.Did you guys experience the same thing as BPD are known for giving great sex?

Absolutely snap to everything you just wrote. The smear campaign bothered me as much as you at your stage, it does lessen a few months down the line. It bothered me that the truth will never come out about her, but also remember, they become totally different people in the next relationship with different circles and different friends - its crazy, illogical but we just have to come to peace with it. They are not the same person as we once knew and the next slander will be something totally different with totally different people.

The lack of sleep is what bugs me the most as well.  Before all of this charade,  I was able to sleep a solid 8 hours every night and now I wake up after 3 hours of sleep.  

I swear, its like we all just toyed with an individual that is possessed or something.  Why is it that we all have such similar symptoms over a break up with a BPD?  

I'm 9 months out and not much better, She is still on my mind about 16 hours a day. Mine is a rather complicated story involving addiction, LDR, rehab, and a level of deceit that is indescribable that employed many other "nons" that i thought were mutual friends to keep her "ruse" going. Add on idealization, trauma bond, PTSD from finding the truth out... you get the picture.

Well I have only been here for a few days. I am not in any way prepared to switch from "Undecided" to "Leaving." Just thought I would take a peek at what I might be in for.

I am so glad I did.

Lucky, it dose seem like we are dating the same person.

Thanks to those who spoke of not sleeping. I thought I was slipping back to anxiety issues I have managed well for almost a year. Nice to hear it is common to our plight. I am more optimistic that this to shall pass.

The sex thing depends how you define it. My uBPDex was great in bed, but the sex was not intimate very often. (don't mean to get too graphic) Early on, she was very uncomfortable with the missionary position. It was too close and too intimate. We recycled after she cheated on me (although from her accounts we were already broken up. She never told me we were). True to the fast intimacy thing, we talked about the sex between them. It was far from intimate. He brought a gym-bag of toys every time he was over. She described it as exciting except for the spanking which she didn't like but allowed it because he enjoyed it. It was common to speak of ex-partners in a healthy way, so I didn't mind it

It sucks now because she is back with him and I have all sorts of images I can't scrub from my mind. The sex she now has fits her issues.

I have had a "friend-with-benefits" for years now. I never spoke to her while with my ex. I looked her up a couple of weeks ago. True to form it was better than my ex. However, I am not ready to go back. That is not what I am looking for. I miss the love and intimacy I shared with my ex.

I can only hope "this to shall pass" as well

? - were we seeing the same person? - I also deleted her from facebook and blocked the new man as well - didnt want to see the rubbish being posted, pseudo-cryptic statuses about 'thinking you know someone' and 'you meet people that say all the right things but then their actions speak louder than their words' - pure insanity and victim role of the highest order. It too was in hell being with me, but never been so happy with the new guy, the once abusive, cheating ex. It still baffles me to this day that that last year of hell was all their doing, they were creating situations for our demise the whole time, bit by bit breaking us down. By the discard  they are the victims as they have had to put up with all the terrible things we have done - NAMELY - the situations and drama that they created and us trying to rectify it - an exercise in futility I might add to that. Crazy making.   

She still didn't put pictures of her ex (she didn't deleted me from Instagram). Her parents don't want her to get a new bf before she deals with her issues (had a long talk with her dad when he came to pick up her stuff. told me that he knew there was something wrong the day her younger sister was born. He said she was constantly banging her head on the floor to seek for attention also he stopped taking her out to visit people because she was telling them that her dad was beating her which was totally wrong). My sister saw her at a common's friend with the guy. It was the same guy I saw when I stumble into her at a show in january.

Oh yeah, the smear campaign. This helps writing about to remember this was not all me.

We are dating the same person. Mine is 48. Complete hell is how she describes our time together. She even wrote a friend that the whole (my name) fiasco makes her believe it would be better off being alone. Not sure my replacement is aware of this feeling.

She sent out an email to her family announcing that our relationship was on its last legs over Christmas and that we were finally over. We spent a week before Christmas in the Caribbean (great family time) we had social gatherings every night from Christmas to New Years. She admits that we had a great time. Guess she had to back-date everything when my replacement appeared so quickly and her brother discovered his wife cheating about the same time. She had to do something so she could have righteous  anger at her sister-in-law and set apart her actions.


I am getting closer to switching to leaving!

For the smear campaign, I am expecting the same things she did with her ex. Told me that he cheated on her. He beat her. She invented everything. It seems that the guy is super nice (her dad told me that even once at the family dinner she said his mom was stupid in front of everyone). Same thing happened to me. She said my parents didn't like her (she was partially right because they noticed she was a liar and attention-seeker... . she used to work with my sister and once a colleague asked my sister who brought her in the company. My sister said it is my brother's gf. My ex went to my sister and told her why do you tell people I have a bf?). With the issue with my parent, she told me look we will work something out during christmas. I agreed and beginning of december without warning before going to bed she breaks up with me.

Similar sort of things, towards the end an old friend (female) reconnected on facebook with me - absolutely nothing in it, although in her eyes I was cheating as the old friend said I was still looking hot as when I was younger. She labelled me the same as the cheating ex, saying Im giving you a second chance and I NEVER take a cheat back, in her eyes cheating was as bad as peadohilia or raping. 'I am a strong independent woman' she would say over and over again. Fast forward a couple of weeks, I am discarded for being a liar, a cheat and an abuser, and she is back with her ex. It was drummed into me, 'Strong independent woman' Never take a cheat back' Cheating as bad as paedophilia and rapists' - what a crock of rubbish all that was. That is one of the reasons I feel I will never have a reconnect in the future because no matter how victimised she is, or what sob story she could come out with, no matter what she'd do or say, I would only give her a one sentence answer and it goes along the lines of. '... . Ummm... . Ummmm... . one question! ... . What the heck?'

When we find that our relationships have become painful obstacle courses, we need to stop helping build them. Leave the games behind, turn away and walk freely. Self respect will take us far. Making better choices now, we'll get over it much sooner.

This could be my BPD ex gf.  Uncomfortable in missionary... . I felt like a human dildo. I couldn't get her to give and take... . share... . it was selfish sex. She always called it sex not making love. I argued with her about it. Shes self aware. She knows she has deep intimacy issues... . I thought I was different that I could get her to another place. yeah right

I was one of a an on going triangle with other one night stands thrown in... .   split black 4 times... . now Im out for good or so it would seem. I just need the mental strength not to go back even though I secretly wish she would call and beg. ha.

And the entire length of my relationship was about a year... . feels like 20.  NC 4 days... . haven't seen her for 3 weeks... .   she was brutal last time I broke down and called her. Gotta stay strong. So hard.

Ok all three of us were seeing the same person! Love the pseudo cryptic messages! Looking at my ex's FB was like looking at a single mother's online dating ad! Her Pinterest is filled with Christian Psalms and moving on is strength rhetoric. She was the martyr who never died... . The eternal survivor... . immortal, though dead from me.

This really is a sad, terrible disorder isn't it?

I cannot imagine going through life in a constant state of fear, anxiety, and depression. I feel for her... . I have to.

Thanks myself! Wise words and oh so true. I finally walked away from my community of 'friends", where the ex is slandering me, and the people are buying his sob story.

I walked out, and am in peace now. No more game playing for me, or with me as a presence. It was a hard thing to do because it means my social circle is suddenly very very small, but it is the only way to get out of the drama and no  longer be a part of it.

Thanks for the reminder!

One post I can never forgive during my discard was a Marilyn Monroe quote stating shes impatient, selfish, hard to handle, but if you cant handle me at my worst then you dont deserve me at my best' - this one still makes me angry because its cryptic indicating she knew what she was doing and justifying all her bad behaviour to me and stating that the new guy is going to get the best of her - you are not Marilyn Monroe, you are just insane... .

8 months since official break up. 7 weeks no contact. Think about him all the time and check his social media sites multiple times a day. It's like a compulsion. Before we went no contact he said he liked for my profile everyday on Facebook too. But woo knows now. I think he's setting someone. And he has not tried to contact me on the last 7 weeks.

I'm with Clearmind in my experience.  At 18 months I was ready to fully face my issues w/o focusing on her at all.  At 2.5 years out, it's like a distant speck on the horizon.  However, I am still very much cognizant of the things I need to do for myself.  I could even date seriously again provided I actually met the right woman.

Now for the time line as best as I can remember it. The first month was unmitigated hell.  In months 2 through 7 things were still bad, but I had made progress though I was still being triggered.  I did an excellent job of resisting her re-engagement attempts thanks to the board.  After month 7, I began to notice my rate of healing began to rapidly increase and began to take the first steps into examining myself.  The first anniversary was a major trigger event for me almost as it was for the deaths of my parents.  The months from 12 to 18 I spent exponentially less wasted time on her and more on me.

Now, on the second anniversary of when she tried to pick up a bartender in front of me on a date while we waited for a table, I marched myself right into that restaurant, and parked my tail in the exact same spot, and proceeded to enjoy myself.  I actually tried to go there on the first anniversary of the event but the triggering was too much for me.

Now, I do not care.  I do everything in my power to avoid her which is so so easy now that she has moved.  I know she is toxic to me and accept it.  About a month ago, I had the stunning revelation that her mirroring was nothing more than her simply parroting back exactly what I said.

Now, I can see the patterns that have affected me in every relationship that I've ever had with perfect clarity.  Yes, the White Knight who got me in trouble so many times has been put to rest.  I'm still the same caring man, but I just don't waste it anymore on people who will hurt me though I will gladly help someone in need who is actually trying.  My boundary skills have been built and tested to actually work. Whereas before my boundaries were located somewhere near the orbit of Neptune. They are now on terra firma.  My self-esteem has improved to the point where I feel I'm normal and do not feel the need to impress anyone.  I've found that people respect me more now too.  I've made a whole new set of good friends to add to the ones I've known for years.

In the end, even though I wish I never had that experience.  It has made me a better and healthier man.  My only regret is that I wish I had these skills 25 years ago as my life would have been so much easier.  Though, the late 40s dating scene is a tough slog I'm now an educated fool and a better fool for the whole experience.

For me, the pain was worth the gain.  It took a lot hard work, but I made it happen.  This board played a huge role as the community of experts kept me on track and the victim's stories gave me something to relate to.  Knowing that you are not alone is so empowering.

Right after the breakup, I set myself a time limit of 6 months for grieving. Guess what, it didn't work. As said before, I'm at month 10 and think the 18 months timeframe is more realistic. Though I won't beat myself up (like last time), if it goes above that timeframe. Accepting that it takes whatever time necessary, was actually a big relief.

One of the things, that will never stop to bug me, is that she moved on within weeks. Living a seemingly happy life with her new bf, from the day I moved out. That is just unbelievably unfair and unexpected, as she was the one that was most dependent during the r/s. During the r/s, when things went bad, I wanted out, but couldn't break up with her because I was afraid it would devastate her.

A truly wonderful piece by hostnomore and shows a complete timeline for the process. It is terrible that they move on within days if not hours and we take approx 2.5 years to get them to be a 'speck on the horizon' with 18 months being the average where we start focusing more on ourselves - absolutely terrible and heartbreaking.


This always bugs me as well, mine moved on within hours even telling me she had moved on. its the most devastating thing I have ever been through emotionally when it happened and I am learning to accept that I will never get any answers to the questions about it and just have to come to terms with it is what it is. I had very little re-engagement attempts, refused both of them - and doubtful whether I will receive another. At time of posting I am just 6 days short of 6 months - some days go reasonably well, others I have bouts of sadness and anger, I just want to be back to when I felt 'normal'.

Hi all,

It's just over 18 months since I separated from ex and I'm finally feeling a sense of peace and well being.

I've had periods of this over the last year but this is the first time that I'm really beginning to feel myself again.

I sleep through the night and wake up in the morning without being swamped by sadness or fear.


I'm sure there will be relapses but for now I feel calm and optimistic about the future.


As all the other posters say healing is not linear - it's a process. But you can accelerate it by seeing a good therapist and working on yourself.

Accepting your part and responsibility in what happened without blaming yourself. Forgiving yourself…


I realise that I have a lot of work to do and I'm going to try and work with another T (Schema)

But I feel a huge sense of release and relief that I'm no longer trapped in all that mad darkness.


I went to the races last week (I'm not a gambler) and won a nice chunk of money on a horse that was called Spring Heeled.

How could I resist?


It's spring and the world is beginning to stir with new life.

For all those still trudging through the darkness  there's light and hope ahead.

|iiii

Take heart in that you had some healthy moments while in. Every time things went bad I was so lost I believed it was my fault. In the whole three years, I never wanted to leave her. I just kept trying to fix things. By this last time I was beginning to see that maybe I wasn't totally at fault. Thankfully i found you folks.


A part of me wants to see her try to recycle. But I believe that it is just because I could confront her and get closure. As well it would show me that her replacement didn't work out. Not the healthiest attitude. I am only two months out. I have a T and will get there.

I am certain my uBPDex will never reengage. She is very high functioning and very skilled at her coping stuff. She never smears me with anything too extreme. She she doesn't even use faults I know I have. She always lies or twists something to tell others so they will say, "too bad, well maybe the next one is Mr. Right." It avoids having any emotional conversations. Most people heard, "Well, he just wasn't committed to the relationship or being an equal partner. Like the day we took down the Christmas decorations, he was nowhere to be found. Again, it was all on me."

Truth was I was out looking for a place to stay when the day before she shocked me and our "couple's T' with threats of restraining orders and changing locks. I even asked her not to take them down cause she knows I am the one who likes to organized. And most were things I collected from all over the world. They were very precious to me.

But, I wasn't around.

We spoke last night about my visiting the kids. She has decided that when I see the kids, I shouldn't come near the house. She will drop them at the near by Mc Ds. She trusts me with her kids, but I am such a threat she doesn't want me anywhere around her neighborhood.

She finished last night with a new, more sophisticated, mantra. "I don't know why you can't accept that sometimes r/s just don't work out. It happen's all the time, it is just normal."

The subtlety is so crazy-making. I won't go into details here, you can read about it in other posts.

I am the crazy one because I can't accept it is all just normal.

At leaste I am lucky in one respect. Once I get strong enough to detach and go NC, she won't be back to threaten that. She hasn't said a single word to the kid's father in over seven years. He picks the kids up at the end of the driveway.

Jeeze Reforming, 18 months seem so far away. But I can see why it will take that time!

Yes it is! How condescending! 

Sorry to bump an old thread, but I am constantly spooked by reading my EXACT experiences on her. Mine said this to me the day after we split for good, WORD FOR WORD except she added "in mature relationships" at the end, as a subtle dig at me (part of her abuse was to devalue my past relationships as immature, so I couldn't compare them and any problems were mine not hers). She just switched it all off in her head in one second, something I would do ANYTHING to be able to do. Thursday she is professing undying love forever and can't live without me, Friday she simply turned off the emotions like a light switch, moved on without a second thought or one moment of self-reflection. No understanding of why I simply couldn't do the same. I don't envy her illness one bit, but oh how jealous I am that she can do that. I'm flipping sick of her occupying my brain now, wasting my time and energy. I just want her to get lost, but there she is still, affecting me all day every day. I know it will take some time, but I hate it. I sound so weak and pathetic but I am not - I'm a strong, successful, confident busy guy with a great life, and she is getting in the way. My friends can't understand why I can't put it behind me, and frankly I agree with them!

Just a quick quip on a busy day--I've heard that it takes about half the time you were in a relationship to get over it. That seems like a really long time for my 25 year marriage (which I already am over) but I was with exbfBPD for a year. In additions counseling, they say you start detoxing after 2 weeks, but I know I was in excruciating pain for a month. I read yesterday that their silent treatment causes very real pain that can be measured on brain scans. I'm feeling a little better after a month --some if the obsessing seems to be abating. Now is when the real healing begins.

Ive moved thousands of miles away. Im not split black... .Im just not usable so no reason for her to contact. Im not on her rotation. She doesnt have to stress juggling me in between ex and new ___s.  The funniest thing is that I realize or catch myself going all day or sometimes several days without a thought of her. I guess thats how crawling out of the abyss is supposed to feel.  But if you want to speed up the process... .MOVE. lol  and find yourself another girl and date your ass off.   

If it provides any comfort at all I was just told today that he expected me to be perfect and know intuitively what he needed all the time. I validated and empathized and then said that I felt it was to impossible a bar to meet and when I make mistakes he crucifies me but when he makes mistakes he is supposed to get an automatic pass. Sigh. Exhausting. So you guys are not alone in being held to impossible standards.

We were together 5 months and have been apart 6 months and I'm still hurting most days. I was actually starting to do really well until I started dating someone new and now I'm getting sad because this new woman, whilst a perfectly nice person, is not ringing my bells like my exBPDgf did.That means I'm not over my ex. I wonder if I'll ever be happy with anyone else after the high that came with the over the top idealisation stage.

Dear Bauie: I think there is an addictive quality in our relationships with and subsequent withdrawal from pwBPD. I know the ups and downs mimic my FOO and the adrenalin released and the constant mental stimulation have been addictive for me. But like other drugs and addictions, it is deadly. I'm suffering now from a scary stress related disorder, yet I miss exbfBPD. Who/what am I really missing? Now that I know he was an empty shell mirroring me, I'm really pondering this, and it's taking a little sting out of my immense grief. I'm missing some-thing not necessarily some-one. I know that sounds so cold, because I have truly loved him, but the realization that he only loved the function of me somehow helps me get through a sense of failure and grief. These days I'm feeling very used and objectified. And I remain angry at me. I am in a relationship now with a man who is loving, and empathetic, and who I've known for 40 years! And it actually HURTS to be in reality instead of la la land with exbfBPD. Posting here is helping me a lot. We must keep moving forward through this pain; I trust that eventually being with a non becomes a new and joyous norm for us.

I used to refer to mine as my heroine. As of today I am calling him my kryptonite. I have no power to resist him. I think perhaps a 12 step program is in order.

I know that it takes longer than we would like. But I know we do finally recover. One foot in front of the other.

I was doing really well until I saw mine today. Then I totally crumbled. all boundaries melted away and I was a jiggling wreck. Completely spineless. See kryptonite. Sigh.

And yes heroine. He is my drug. My sweet addiction. I know I love the highs. I just can't take the lows. And the withdrawal is BRUTAL. So I know I have to stay completely away from the drug den to avoid wanting to sample the high again.

yup I am definitely thinking 12 step program.

Im pretty sure its spelled heroin. Ive had friends that have died from its use over time. Nothing sweet. Detachment leads to freedom. Do whatever you have to do to end it in your head. Its only alive between your ears. We our own worst enemies.

A bit of a paradox here - I suppose that person who is completely over it is not likely to be hanging around this forum reading this. :-)

I am in the first month of NC and getting over the relationship is like a full time job... .

Same thing here. She couldn't climax in missionary. She didn't like it. Almost did it as a favour for me and then she 'd ask to get on top and use me as a dildo... .I don't think it has to do only with intimacy that se wanted to be on top all that time but more importanly with control. She wanted to be in control of the whole sensations down there.