How long to get over it

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

When we find that our relationships have become painful obstacle courses, we need to stop helping build them. Leave the games behind, turn away and walk freely. Self respect will take us far. Making better choices now, we'll get over it much sooner.

[myself]

When we find that our relationships have become painful obstacle courses, we need to stop helping build them. Leave the games behind, turn away and walk freely. Self respect will take us far. Making better choices now, we'll get over it much sooner.

[Split black]

The sex thing depends how you define it. My uBPDex was great in bed, but the sex was not intimate very often. (don't mean to get too graphic) Early on, she was very uncomfortable with the missionary position. It was too close and too intimate. We recycled after she cheated on me (although from her accounts we were already broken up. She never told me we were). True to the fast intimacy thing, we talked about the sex between them. It was far from intimate. He brought a gym-bag of toys every time he was over. She described it as exciting except for the spanking which she didn't like but allowed it because he enjoyed it. It was common to speak of ex-partners in a healthy way, so I didn't mind it

It sucks now because she is back with him and I have all sorts of images I can't scrub from my mind. The sex she now has fits her issues.

I have had a "friend-with-benefits" for years now. I never spoke to her while with my ex. I looked her up a couple of weeks ago. True to form it was better than my ex. However, I am not ready to go back. That is not what I am looking for. I miss the love and intimacy I shared with my ex.

I can only hope "this to shall pass" as well

This could be my BPD ex gf.  Uncomfortable in missionary... . I felt like a human dildo. I couldn't get her to give and take... . share... . it was selfish sex. She always called it sex not making love. I argued with her about it. Shes self aware. She knows she has deep intimacy issues... . I thought I was different that I could get her to another place. yeah right

I was one of a an on going triangle with other one night stands thrown in... .   split black 4 times... . now Im out for good or so it would seem. I just need the mental strength not to go back even though I secretly wish she would call and beg. ha.

And the entire length of my relationship was about a year... . feels like 20.  NC 4 days... . haven't seen her for 3 weeks... .   she was brutal last time I broke down and called her. Gotta stay strong. So hard.

[arn131arn]

Last time I spoke to her, she told me that she now hangs out with a new group of friends from her new job. My replacement is probably among them. For the smear campaign, I deleted her from facebook. She put on her background picture "Better be alone than with people that hurt you". She is clearly playing the victim. It just kills me how she is playing with people's mind and how she seems to made out a reason why we are not together anymore. When I confronted her about her lies, she told me that as I was 28 (she is 22) that people tell me what I want to hear (stupidest reason I ever heard) and added that the last year it was like she was in Hell while she was with me.

? - were we seeing the same person? - I also deleted her from facebook and blocked the new man as well - didnt want to see the rubbish being posted, pseudo-cryptic statuses about 'thinking you know someone' and 'you meet people that say all the right things but then their actions speak louder than their words' - pure insanity and victim role of the highest order. It too was in hell being with me, but never been so happy with the new guy, the once abusive, cheating ex. It still baffles me to this day that that last year of hell was all their doing, they were creating situations for our demise the whole time, bit by bit breaking us down. By the discard  they are the victims as they have had to put up with all the terrible things we have done - NAMELY - the situations and drama that they created and us trying to rectify it - an exercise in futility I might add to that. Crazy making.   

Ok all three of us were seeing the same person! Love the pseudo cryptic messages! Looking at my ex's FB was like looking at a single mother's online dating ad! Her Pinterest is filled with Christian Psalms and moving on is strength rhetoric. She was the martyr who never died... . The eternal survivor... . immortal, though dead from me.

This really is a sad, terrible disorder isn't it?

I cannot imagine going through life in a constant state of fear, anxiety, and depression. I feel for her... . I have to.

[Dog biscuit]

When we find that our relationships have become painful obstacle courses, we need to stop helping build them. Leave the games behind, turn away and walk freely. Self respect will take us far. Making better choices now, we'll get over it much sooner.

Thanks myself! Wise words and oh so true. I finally walked away from my community of 'friends", where the ex is slandering me, and the people are buying his sob story.

I walked out, and am in peace now. No more game playing for me, or with me as a presence. It was a hard thing to do because it means my social circle is suddenly very very small, but it is the only way to get out of the drama and no  longer be a part of it.

Thanks for the reminder!

[Ritchie53]

Ok all three of us were seeing the same person! Love the pseudo cryptic messages! Looking at my ex's FB was like looking at a single mother's online dating ad! Her Pinterest is filled with Christian Psalms and moving on is strength rhetoric. She was the martyr who never died... . The eternal survivor... . immortal, though dead from me.

This really is a sad, terrible disorder isn't it?

I cannot imagine going through life in a constant state of fear, anxiety, and depression. I feel for her... . I have to.

One post I can never forgive during my discard was a Marilyn Monroe quote stating shes impatient, selfish, hard to handle, but if you cant handle me at my worst then you dont deserve me at my best' - this one still makes me angry because its cryptic indicating she knew what she was doing and justifying all her bad behaviour to me and stating that the new guy is going to get the best of her - you are not Marilyn Monroe, you are just insane... .

[tango1492]

8 months since official break up. 7 weeks no contact. Think about him all the time and check his social media sites multiple times a day. It's like a compulsion. Before we went no contact he said he liked for my profile everyday on Facebook too. But woo knows now. I think he's setting someone. And he has not tried to contact me on the last 7 weeks.

[HostNoMore]

I'm with Clearmind in my experience.  At 18 months I was ready to fully face my issues w/o focusing on her at all.  At 2.5 years out, it's like a distant speck on the horizon.  However, I am still very much cognizant of the things I need to do for myself.  I could even date seriously again provided I actually met the right woman.

Now for the time line as best as I can remember it. The first month was unmitigated hell.  In months 2 through 7 things were still bad, but I had made progress though I was still being triggered.  I did an excellent job of resisting her re-engagement attempts thanks to the board.  After month 7, I began to notice my rate of healing began to rapidly increase and began to take the first steps into examining myself.  The first anniversary was a major trigger event for me almost as it was for the deaths of my parents.  The months from 12 to 18 I spent exponentially less wasted time on her and more on me.

Now, on the second anniversary of when she tried to pick up a bartender in front of me on a date while we waited for a table, I marched myself right into that restaurant, and parked my tail in the exact same spot, and proceeded to enjoy myself.  I actually tried to go there on the first anniversary of the event but the triggering was too much for me.

Now, I do not care.  I do everything in my power to avoid her which is so so easy now that she has moved.  I know she is toxic to me and accept it.  About a month ago, I had the stunning revelation that her mirroring was nothing more than her simply parroting back exactly what I said.

Now, I can see the patterns that have affected me in every relationship that I've ever had with perfect clarity.  Yes, the White Knight who got me in trouble so many times has been put to rest.  I'm still the same caring man, but I just don't waste it anymore on people who will hurt me though I will gladly help someone in need who is actually trying.  My boundary skills have been built and tested to actually work. Whereas before my boundaries were located somewhere near the orbit of Neptune. They are now on terra firma.  My self-esteem has improved to the point where I feel I'm normal and do not feel the need to impress anyone.  I've found that people respect me more now too.  I've made a whole new set of good friends to add to the ones I've known for years.

In the end, even though I wish I never had that experience.  It has made me a better and healthier man.  My only regret is that I wish I had these skills 25 years ago as my life would have been so much easier.  Though, the late 40s dating scene is a tough slog I'm now an educated fool and a better fool for the whole experience.

For me, the pain was worth the gain.  It took a lot hard work, but I made it happen.  This board played a huge role as the community of experts kept me on track and the victim's stories gave me something to relate to.  Knowing that you are not alone is so empowering.

[GuiltHaunted]

Right after the breakup, I set myself a time limit of 6 months for grieving. Guess what, it didn't work. As said before, I'm at month 10 and think the 18 months timeframe is more realistic. Though I won't beat myself up (like last time), if it goes above that timeframe. Accepting that it takes whatever time necessary, was actually a big relief.

One of the things, that will never stop to bug me, is that she moved on within weeks. Living a seemingly happy life with her new bf, from the day I moved out. That is just unbelievably unfair and unexpected, as she was the one that was most dependent during the r/s. During the r/s, when things went bad, I wanted out, but couldn't break up with her because I was afraid it would devastate her.

[Ritchie53]

A truly wonderful piece by hostnomore and shows a complete timeline for the process. It is terrible that they move on within days if not hours and we take approx 2.5 years to get them to be a 'speck on the horizon' with 18 months being the average where we start focusing more on ourselves - absolutely terrible and heartbreaking.

One of the things, that will never stop to bug me, is that she moved on within weeks. Living a seemingly happy life with her new bf, from the day I moved out. That is just unbelievably unfair and unexpected, as she was the one that was most dependent during the r/s. During the r/s, when things went bad, I wanted out, but couldn't break up with her because I was afraid it would devastate her.

This always bugs me as well, mine moved on within hours even telling me she had moved on. its the most devastating thing I have ever been through emotionally when it happened and I am learning to accept that I will never get any answers to the questions about it and just have to come to terms with it is what it is. I had very little re-engagement attempts, refused both of them - and doubtful whether I will receive another. At time of posting I am just 6 days short of 6 months - some days go reasonably well, others I have bouts of sadness and anger, I just want to be back to when I felt 'normal'.

[Reforming]

Hi all,

It's just over 18 months since I separated from ex and I'm finally feeling a sense of peace and well being.

I've had periods of this over the last year but this is the first time that I'm really beginning to feel myself again.

I sleep through the night and wake up in the morning without being swamped by sadness or fear.


I'm sure there will be relapses but for now I feel calm and optimistic about the future.


As all the other posters say healing is not linear - it's a process. But you can accelerate it by seeing a good therapist and working on yourself.

Accepting your part and responsibility in what happened without blaming yourself. Forgiving yourself…


I realise that I have a lot of work to do and I'm going to try and work with another T (Schema)

But I feel a huge sense of release and relief that I'm no longer trapped in all that mad darkness.


I went to the races last week (I'm not a gambler) and won a nice chunk of money on a horse that was called Spring Heeled.

How could I resist?


It's spring and the world is beginning to stir with new life.

For all those still trudging through the darkness  there's light and hope ahead.

[Pecator]

One of the things, that will never stop to bug me, is that she moved on within weeks. Living a seemingly happy life with her new bf, from the day I moved out. That is just unbelievably unfair and unexpected, as she was the one that was most dependent during the r/s. During the r/s, when things went bad, I wanted out, but couldn't break up with her because I was afraid it would devastate her.

Take heart in that you had some healthy moments while in. Every time things went bad I was so lost I believed it was my fault. In the whole three years, I never wanted to leave her. I just kept trying to fix things. By this last time I was beginning to see that maybe I wasn't totally at fault. Thankfully i found you folks.

This always bugs me as well, mine moved on within hours even telling me she had moved on. its the most devastating thing I have ever been through emotionally when it happened and I am learning to accept that I will never get any answers to the questions about it and just have to come to terms with it is what it is. I had very little re-engagement attempts, refused both of them - and doubtful whether I will receive another. At time of posting I am just 6 days short of 6 months - some days go reasonably well, others I have bouts of sadness and anger, I just want to be back to when I felt 'normal'.

A part of me wants to see her try to recycle. But I believe that it is just because I could confront her and get closure. As well it would show me that her replacement didn't work out. Not the healthiest attitude. I am only two months out. I have a T and will get there.

I am certain my uBPDex will never reengage. She is very high functioning and very skilled at her coping stuff. She never smears me with anything too extreme. She she doesn't even use faults I know I have. She always lies or twists something to tell others so they will say, "too bad, well maybe the next one is Mr. Right." It avoids having any emotional conversations. Most people heard, "Well, he just wasn't committed to the relationship or being an equal partner. Like the day we took down the Christmas decorations, he was nowhere to be found. Again, it was all on me."

Truth was I was out looking for a place to stay when the day before she shocked me and our "couple's T' with threats of restraining orders and changing locks. I even asked her not to take them down cause she knows I am the one who likes to organized. And most were things I collected from all over the world. They were very precious to me.

But, I wasn't around.

We spoke last night about my visiting the kids. She has decided that when I see the kids, I shouldn't come near the house. She will drop them at the near by Mc Ds. She trusts me with her kids, but I am such a threat she doesn't want me anywhere around her neighborhood.

She finished last night with a new, more sophisticated, mantra. "I don't know why you can't accept that sometimes r/s just don't work out. It happen's all the time, it is just normal."

The subtlety is so crazy-making. I won't go into details here, you can read about it in other posts.

I am the crazy one because I can't accept it is all just normal.

At leaste I am lucky in one respect. Once I get strong enough to detach and go NC, she won't be back to threaten that. She hasn't said a single word to the kid's father in over seven years. He picks the kids up at the end of the driveway.

Jeeze Reforming, 18 months seem so far away. But I can see why it will take that time!

[Dog biscuit]

She finished last night with a new, more sophisticated, mantra. "I don't know why you can't accept that sometimes r/s just don't work out. It happen's all the time, it is just normal."

The subtlety is so crazy-making.

Yes it is! How condescending! 

[camuse]

She finished last night with a new, more sophisticated, mantra. "I don't know why you can't accept that sometimes r/s just don't work out. It happen's all the time, it is just normal."

The subtlety is so crazy-making.

Sorry to bump an old thread, but I am constantly spooked by reading my EXACT experiences on her. Mine said this to me the day after we split for good, WORD FOR WORD except she added "in mature relationships" at the end, as a subtle dig at me (part of her abuse was to devalue my past relationships as immature, so I couldn't compare them and any problems were mine not hers). She just switched it all off in her head in one second, something I would do ANYTHING to be able to do. Thursday she is professing undying love forever and can't live without me, Friday she simply turned off the emotions like a light switch, moved on without a second thought or one moment of self-reflection. No understanding of why I simply couldn't do the same. I don't envy her illness one bit, but oh how jealous I am that she can do that. I'm flipping sick of her occupying my brain now, wasting my time and energy. I just want her to get lost, but there she is still, affecting me all day every day. I know it will take some time, but I hate it. I sound so weak and pathetic but I am not - I'm a strong, successful, confident busy guy with a great life, and she is getting in the way. My friends can't understand why I can't put it behind me, and frankly I agree with them!

[Loveofhislife]

Just a quick quip on a busy day--I've heard that it takes about half the time you were in a relationship to get over it. That seems like a really long time for my 25 year marriage (which I already am over) but I was with exbfBPD for a year. In additions counseling, they say you start detoxing after 2 weeks, but I know I was in excruciating pain for a month. I read yesterday that their silent treatment causes very real pain that can be measured on brain scans. I'm feeling a little better after a month --some if the obsessing seems to be abating. Now is when the real healing begins.

[Split black]

Ive moved thousands of miles away. Im not split black... .Im just not usable so no reason for her to contact. Im not on her rotation. She doesnt have to stress juggling me in between ex and new ___s.  The funniest thing is that I realize or catch myself going all day or sometimes several days without a thought of her. I guess thats how crawling out of the abyss is supposed to feel.  But if you want to speed up the process... .MOVE.  and find yourself another girl and date your ass off.   

[hope2727]

If it provides any comfort at all I was just told today that he expected me to be perfect and know intuitively what he needed all the time. I validated and empathized and then said that I felt it was to impossible a bar to meet and when I make mistakes he crucifies me but when he makes mistakes he is supposed to get an automatic pass. Sigh. Exhausting. So you guys are not alone in being held to impossible standards.

[drummerboy]

We were together 5 months and have been apart 6 months and I'm still hurting most days. I was actually starting to do really well until I started dating someone new and now I'm getting sad because this new woman, whilst a perfectly nice person, is not ringing my bells like my exBPDgf did.That means I'm not over my ex. I wonder if I'll ever be happy with anyone else after the high that came with the over the top idealisation stage.

Just a quick quip on a busy day--I've heard that it takes about half the time you were in a relationship to get over it. That seems like a really long time for my 25 year marriage (which I already am over) but I was with exbfBPD for a year. In additions counseling, they say you start detoxing after 2 weeks, but I know I was in excruciating pain for a month. I read yesterday that their silent treatment causes very real pain that can be measured on brain scans. I'm feeling a little better after a month --some if the obsessing seems to be abating. Now is when the real healing begins.

[Loveofhislife]

Dear Bauie: I think there is an addictive quality in our relationships with and subsequent withdrawal from pwBPD. I know the ups and downs mimic my FOO and the adrenalin released and the constant mental stimulation have been addictive for me. But like other drugs and addictions, it is deadly. I'm suffering now from a scary stress related disorder, yet I miss exbfBPD. Who/what am I really missing? Now that I know he was an empty shell mirroring me, I'm really pondering this, and it's taking a little sting out of my immense grief. I'm missing some-thing not necessarily some-one. I know that sounds so cold, because I have truly loved him, but the realization that he only loved the function of me somehow helps me get through a sense of failure and grief. These days I'm feeling very used and objectified. And I remain angry at me. I am in a relationship now with a man who is loving, and empathetic, and who I've known for 40 years! And it actually HURTS to be in reality instead of la la land with exbfBPD. Posting here is helping me a lot. We must keep moving forward through this pain; I trust that eventually being with a non becomes a new and joyous norm for us.

[hope2727]

I used to refer to mine as my heroine. As of today I am calling him my kryptonite. I have no power to resist him. I think perhaps a 12 step program is in order.

I know that it takes longer than we would like. But I know we do finally recover. One foot in front of the other.

I was doing really well until I saw mine today. Then I totally crumbled. all boundaries melted away and I was a jiggling wreck. Completely spineless. See kryptonite. Sigh.

And yes heroine. He is my drug. My sweet addiction. I know I love the highs. I just can't take the lows. And the withdrawal is BRUTAL. So I know I have to stay completely away from the drug den to avoid wanting to sample the high again.

yup I am definitely thinking 12 step program.

[Split black]

I used to refer to mine as my heroine.

And yes heroine. He is my drug. My sweet addiction. I know I love the highs. I just can't take the lows. And the withdrawal is BRUTAL. So I know I have to stay completely away from the drug den to avoid wanting to sample the high again.

yup I am definitely thinking 12 step program.

Im pretty sure its spelled heroin. Ive had friends that have died from its use over time. Nothing sweet. Detachment leads to freedom. Do whatever you have to do to end it in your head. Its only alive between your ears. We our own worst enemies.

[freedom33]

I just wish someone could describe the next stage? What comes after the popping up? How does it progress. Is it linear, more and more selten they pop up? Or is it all of a sudden that they are just gone? Is it an event (like a new R/S) that makes you progress, or just time?

A bit of a paradox here - I suppose that person who is completely over it is not likely to be hanging around this forum reading this. :-)

I am in the first month of NC and getting over the relationship is like a full time job... .

[freedom33]

The sex thing depends how you define it. My uBPDex was great in bed, but the sex was not intimate very often. (don't mean to get too graphic) Early on, she was very uncomfortable with the missionary position. It was too close and too intimate. We recycled after she cheated on me (although from her accounts we were already broken up. She never told me we were). True to the fast intimacy thing, we talked about the sex between them. It was far from intimate. He brought a gym-bag of toys every time he was over. She described it as exciting except for the spanking which she didn't like but allowed it because he enjoyed it. It was common to speak of ex-partners in a healthy way, so I didn't mind it

It sucks now because she is back with him and I have all sorts of images I can't scrub from my mind. The sex she now has fits her issues.

I have had a "friend-with-benefits" for years now. I never spoke to her while with my ex. I looked her up a couple of weeks ago. True to form it was better than my ex. However, I am not ready to go back. That is not what I am looking for. I miss the love and intimacy I shared with my ex.

I can only hope "this to shall pass" as well

This could be my BPD ex gf.  Uncomfortable in missionary... . I felt like a human dildo. I couldn't get her to give and take... . share... . it was selfish sex. She always called it sex not making love. I argued with her about it. Shes self aware. She knows she has deep intimacy issues... . I thought I was different that I could get her to another place. yeah right

Same thing here. She couldn't climax in missionary. She didn't like it. Almost did it as a favour for me and then she 'd ask to get on top and use me as a dildo... .I don't think it has to do only with intimacy that se wanted to be on top all that time but more importanly with control. She wanted to be in control of the whole sensations down there.