|
Title: When does she suffer..when do I release the anger? Post by: cron65 on April 06, 2014, 06:59:55 PM I have many emotions running through me at this stage. Confusion, pain, love, sorrow, regret, bewilderment, etc... . but at the present anger is the strongest. I am angry at my ex BPD for the total mind screw I have been through. She goes caring only for herself ... no empathy for anyone. She will go on destroying others in her path. When does she suffer... when do I release the anger?
Anyone feel like this? Title: Re: anger Post by: DB33 on April 07, 2014, 12:16:00 AM I felt like that last May when I went to work one day and casually sent a txt to my exGF that my daughter was going to be coming in from out of town in a few days and would be staying with us for a couple evenings. We were navigating thin ice at the time and that for some reason triggered her. She threw everything I owned in the garage (minus furniture) put my dog on the street and locked the doors telling me we were done effective immediately and I had to find a new place to live.
Anger was one of the many emotions that welled up inside me. I was fortunate and not only found a place that day, but one that was fully furnished. I was able to accommodate my daughter and my 2 yr old grandson. That was the beginning of 3 months no contact. During that time I was a mess. I was depressed, I felt intense "Confusion, pain, love, sorrow, regret, bewilderment, etc." And I was angry at her at me and at God himself. What I wanted was right in front of me and I knew what I wanted to happen but I didn't know how to get it. We ended up recycling in August, broke up in Oct. Had a miscarriage in Nov broke up end of Dec, moved in together late Jan broke up mid Feb, broke up early March. And here it is early April and she has locked the doors again, refusing to give me any of my belongings and I am once again in my own place. This one isn't furnished. I have clothes and a couch. Nothing to cook or eat on, no kitchen anything, no bed, no pillow no hangers even... . Why am I telling you all this? Because a change occured. Not in her but in me. I am not angry, I am not confused. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel anything, I do. But it's muted, it isn't engulfing me. I overstayed my welcome on purpose. I exposed myself to her bad side long enough that it made it easier for me to detach. And she is RAGING this whole weekend but I refuse to engage. It is all in perspective and expectations. I was expecting me to find a workable solution. I was expecting her to have an epiphany and snap out of it. I was expecting a happy ending. And there is where the perspective comes into play. I can now perceive that my happy ending isn't going to be with her. My happy ending is right in front of me, it is just up to me to decide what it is going to be. I am free. And that is nothing to be angry at. Title: Re: anger Post by: LuckyNicki on April 07, 2014, 01:24:19 AM WOW.
This is soo unbelievable. I went through the EXACT same thing you went through. I swear, it's like we all took the same drug. This is so nuts to me. I literally had 5 different emotions in a span of 1 hour when I was going through this. ANger, compassion, relief (single), laughter (can't believe what just happened), regret... . wowowow... . Did we all use the same drug? this is just so crazy to me. Title: Re: When does she suffer..when do I release the anger? Post by: cron65 on April 07, 2014, 06:58:01 AM Thanks for your replies. The whole thing is such a mind fhit that it is hard to comprehend. IN the end, I have to look at only the good, pray and move on
The reality and the sadness for all of us is that we fell in love and deeply cared for a sick individual. That in itself is a tragedy. Well, it is for me. I put my trust in God and hope that he will show me the way, take away my pain and hopefully soon will let me sleep a restful slumber. For me it's hard because of the huge investment I made in this relat(as I am sure you all have). When it's over, you hope for a semblance of normalcy but that is realistic, since your exBPD is a very sick person. My constant refrain is that, 'the hard part for me is that I fell in love with a deeply disturbed person.' I guess in the end, I am more angry at myself. I always sensed something was awry with her. I should have listened to my gut... but the heart sings louder and clouds all objectivity... well... I guess so, anyway. Title: Re: When does she suffer..when do I release the anger? Post by: Mutt on April 08, 2014, 10:13:37 AM She goes caring only for herself ... no empathy for anyone. She will go on destroying others in her path. When does she suffer... when do I release the anger? I'm sorry about the pain and the hurt that you are feeling cron65 from your ex. I often wonder about my time spent with my BPD. NOw that we are over, I wonder what she remembers, what she felt about me, does she care about me now? I helped her immensely, something she readily acknowledges and something her family and friends can attest to. One thing that bothers me too is that none of her family members have come forth and thanked me for my time, efforts, etc... in regards to how much I gave her and helped her. Much of what I have read about BPD suggests to me that her main instinct is to drown out the noise, to do whatever she can do to survive. Empathy for her is not a priority. Can anyone reflect on what I have written here... it is greatly appreciated, as always. She is in her own pain, and what you experienced in your relationship, is differently than what she experienced. I do believe that mine did care, or at least there were sincere moments in the r/s that I can recall. You are grieving a loss, anger is a part of grieving, and the stages are not necessarily in order, you may feel different stages at the same time. Anger can be a mask for pain, it's OK to feel that anger and vent. Respecting our anger (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=135831.0) Us: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0) She threw everything I owned in the garage (minus furniture) put my dog on the street and locked the doors telling me we were done effective immediately and I had to find a new place to live. We ended up recycling in August, broke up in Oct. Had a miscarriage in Nov broke up end of Dec, moved in together late Jan broke up mid Feb, broke up early March. And here it is early April and she has locked the doors again, refusing to give me any of my belongings and I am once again in my own place. This one isn't furnished. I have clothes and a couch. Nothing to cook or eat on, no kitchen anything, no bed, no pillow no hangers even... . This is heartbreaking and devastating. I put my trust in God and hope that he will show me the way, take away my pain and hopefully soon will let me sleep a restful slumber. For me it's hard because of the huge investment I made in this relat(as I am sure you all have). When it's over, you hope for a semblance of normalcy but that is realistic, since your exBPD is a very sick person. Thank you for sharing your insight, motivation, acceptance that it is a disorder and that you can move on. |