Does she care about me now?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I often wonder about my time spent with my BPD. NOw that we are over, I wonder what she remembers, what she felt about me, does she care about me now? I helped her immensely, something she readily acknowledges and something her family and friends can attest to.  One thing that bothers me too is that none of her family members have come forth and thanked me for my time, efforts, etc... in regards to how much I gave her and helped her.

Much of what I have read about BPD suggests to me that her main instinct is to drown out the noise, to do whatever she can do to survive. Empathy for her is not a priority. Can anyone reflect on what I have written here... it is greatly appreciated, as always.

[cron65]

I often wonder about my time spent with my BPD. NOw that we are over, I wonder what she remembers, what she felt about me, does she care about me now? I helped her immensely, something she readily acknowledges and something her family and friends can attest to.  One thing that bothers me too is that none of her family members have come forth and thanked me for my time, efforts, etc... in regards to how much I gave her and helped her.

Much of what I have read about BPD suggests to me that her main instinct is to drown out the noise, to do whatever she can do to survive. Empathy for her is not a priority. Can anyone reflect on what I have written here... it is greatly appreciated, as always.

[scallops]

Dear cron65

I wanted to encourage you to post on the Leaving: Disengaging from a Partner with BPD

You will more input from the members on that board... . members that have been or are going through the same as you.

As far as your question... . I have a dd16 and even though I wold like to beleive she appreciates all we do for her I really doubt she does. She feel entitled but that is probably because of her immaturity. Maybe one day she will appreciate what we do for her but I am not holding my breath and I am not waiting or expecting it. My dd16 is struggling and as her mom I want to help and support her as much as I can.


Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

US: as victims


I hope these articles give you some insight... . it takes time to heal cron65... . how are you coping and what are you doing for yourself right now?

[sirensong65]

Just my personal 02. cents but they are robotic in their feelings.  And frankly, by the time the relationship is over, they have moved on WAY before you even knew it was going to end.  They have done this dance MANY times, they know how it begins, and how it ends and they do it with surgical skill.  By the time THE END comes, they usually already have a replacement well in place (or you would still be hanging in the balance), so they are onto the next victim and it is ALL about the chase and the manipulation, the dance to woo as it were.  Sadly, they drive with the rear view mirrors broke off so once they pass you, they can't see you anymore... only the horizon.

And sadly, you are lucky in this though it doesn't feel like it at the time.  Painful lessons we all have learned or ARE learning here now.

[Sunny Side]

I often wonder about my time spent with my BPD. NOw that we are over, I wonder what she remembers, what she felt about me, does she care about me now? I helped her immensely, something she readily acknowledges and something her family and friends can attest to.  One thing that bothers me too is that none of her family members have come forth and thanked me for my time, efforts, etc... in regards to how much I gave her and helped her.

It's a good question, cron, and a popular one on these boards.  In my r/s, she would acknowledge and say many things about the r/s that would suggest she cared.  She seemed to really struggle with splitting me overtly b/c when she would attempt it I would typically counter her with cold facts -- time spent with her putting out mutual fires, raucously celebrating her ability to solve problems w/o my help, making decisions on her own w/o relying on rescuers (as I surely was early on) to guide her, all which of course lead to the shattering of the ideal mirror.

In response, as often as she would try to split me (and it wasn't necessarily overt on her part), when countered with facts something in her developmentally arrested brain created surges of dissonance that wouldn't allow her to faithfully complete the split.  In other words, in my futility to arrest the inevitable devaluations as they happened I wasn't so invested in trying to make her acknowledge my role as a chief supporter (to make her "care" as much as force a confrontation between the facts and the distortions of her split.  I hope that makes some sense, I didn't state it very well.

Her family (father - abuser, mother - abuser/alcoholic, 3 brothers and sister) was also highly dysfunctional, though divided evenly between high-functioning (wealthy, successful) and low-functioning (poverty level substance addicts and abusers) and didn't have the baseline health or awareness to be able to acknowledge much of anything.  I did become close with a sister and one of her brothers (I've met all but one) but the sad thing was all around her there were very few reliable narrators among family and friends.

Much of what I have read about BPD suggests to me that her main instinct is to drown out the noise, to do whatever she can do to survive. Empathy for her is not a priority.

Do what she could to survive?  For my ex -- absolutely in spades, but perhaps different than you and I might perceive.  Her need to "survive" seemed less about the common glue that unites all of us living organisms and more about the need to actively stave off annihilation at all costs.  As a result empathy was something she didn't seem to organically understand.  This usually would come out in phrases like "I don't usually think about what other people's feelings are" or "I just do what I want" without any thought to repercussion.  And generally though she projected many "close" and authentic relationships with others -- new BFF's of all stripes would be invariable split -- those "others" typically functioned as vessels either for her attachment or discard.   

That said, I do believe she cared for me and could acknowledge it, but to what degree and how sincere I absolutely don't know.

[expos]

Here are some cold hard facts. 

1.  They only care about themselves, how they feel, what they can get, and where it can take them.

2.  They wouldn't care if you died.  Maybe momentarily, if they feel that they can get some sympathy from others and some attention for it for personally knowing you.  But, they'd be over it in a few days because you'd be dead and really not provide anything to them.

3.  They discard people who they can't benefit from - family, friends, pets, co-workers, doesn't matter.

4.  They do drown out the noise.  They don't ever explore what they did wrong, they just bounce from relationship to relationship and make the same mistakes over and over again.  If your BPD would have learned a few lessons from her relationship before you, you'd likely still be together, because she would have been more introspective and acknowledged her problems.  But, she didn't, and that's why your relationship failed.   You did nothing wrong, she failed you.

5. They don't care what you did - it's what you can do for them now.  If they can find someone else to do it with, they will drop you.   If you cannot be controlled or manipulated, they will flee to find someone who they can control.   There is never a shortage of suckers and doormats ready to take a beating from someone out of complete desperation.  In fact, they find the most desperate ones an obliterate them.

6.  They view exes like a school they once attended, a shoe they once wore, a sandwich they once ate.  It had it's time and now it's done and over with.  They are not like you and me, where relationships and lifelong bonds are important, they view you as objects.

7.  Hurting you and leaving is their survival technique.  Painting you as the devil makes it's easy for them to leave and feel really good about it.  Heartfelt apologies and a real sense of closure is not in their wheelhouse of skills.

8.  They are selfish, entitled, and condescending.  But it's only because they don't know who they are, which leads to a lot of self-loathing and projection at the people closest to them.   

9.  They are triggered by rejection.  In fact, they fear closure and abandonment.  If you discarded them, and they didn't have a replacement waiting for in the wings, they would grieve for eternity.

10. They fail in ALL of their relationships.

[coolioqq]

I often wonder about my time spent with my BPD. NOw that we are over, I wonder what she remembers, what she felt about me, does she care about me now? I helped her immensely, something she readily acknowledges and something her family and friends can attest to.  One thing that bothers me too is that none of her family members have come forth and thanked me for my time, efforts, etc... in regards to how much I gave her and helped her.

Much of what I have read about BPD suggests to me that her main instinct is to drown out the noise, to do whatever she can do to survive. Empathy for her is not a priority. Can anyone reflect on what I have written here... it is greatly appreciated, as always.

First of all 

Empathy is an extremely complex emotion. It requires emotional, spiritual and even physical identification with the suffering of another individual. It is not that people with BPD are generally unable to feel it. It is that their mental apparatus is often such that they have no mindfulness to the degree of identifying with others at such a deep level I described above.

Take the example of my dBPDexgf. I am currently NC (will stay forever) and, despite her promise to leave me alone after all the pain and suffering she has caused me, she contacted me again this weekend. She questioned my love for her and called me cruel. That is after a couple of previous contacts and numerous attempts where she, at first, admitted fault, and then shared it with me. At no point she mentioned her feelings for me which, as I found out, do not exist.

To her feeble mind (and I say so with great pity and compassion), being loved by me is the only thing of importance. Reciprocation is simply unnecessary to even mention, and much less feel, and I doubt that she is even aware of how that affects me. If you asked her, I am positive that she would mumble that she "thinks she loves me." As she said after I broke it off. But, to her, that is secondary to my love for her. Now, ask yourself, do you think such a person (or a lack thereof) is capable of empathy? An empathetic person would make a last contact asking me for forgiveness, fully accept the responsibility for own lies and actions that led to me breaking it off, express genuine embarrassment for lying, hypocrisy and manipulation, and no matter how much it hurts them let go and leave me alone. Unfortunately, I may hear from her again.

Your situation is likely different, but counting on their empathy may be a meaningless and exhausting effort. Their personality vortex may let them feel it in a fraction of time, but that gets lost soon thereafter. I found it useful to focus on what her empathy would mean to me. And then I realized that the lack of it actually means more. It is a strong reason for detachment, healing and finding someone yearning for and worthy of our love. There is someone else who is much more deserving of what you have to offer. Your mission is to find her. Think of this woman as a lesson that will make your search for the right woman for you more focused and less erroneous. This woman was simply a sign by the road... .

[coolioqq]

And sadly, you are lucky in this though it doesn't feel like it at the time.  Painful lessons we all have learned or ARE learning here now.

If there is a single phrase to help you get over it, it's ^^^ Remember that! I painfully came to that realization. Save some of yourself, write it on a piece of paper, stick it to your forehead, and look into the mirror :-).