BPDFamily.com

I was just wondering if I was alone. When I was reeling from having had contact with him on Sunday, I actually begged me ex to take me back... . begged to the point where I knew I was being manipulative. I tried everything to get him to take me back. I even sent an email to him yesterday before I blocked him from calling me or emailing me to tell him he would always be the one who got away to me and that my heart would be waiting for him. That I would wait for him. Granted the b/u is 3 weeks going on 4 and we had not gone a week since the b/u without some sort of contact, but I would never normally have done that. I am horrified now, but I am wondering if I am alone in my actions. God, I hope not... . If I am, it just means that I am crazy. 

My T did let me know that this is because I let him reel me back in and I CAN NOT have contact with him, or it is going to continue to be that roller coaster of emotions for me.

Absolutely I did! It's one reason why there is so much doubt after such a relationship, because the BPD brought out our own issues. It's why there was always an element of truth to their projections and why we accepted their judgments of us. If I got upset because I hadn't heard from her in a bit, I was too needy. I wasn't understanding of everything she was going through.

In the end, the truth I found was that the only possible way for she and I to be together would be if I disappeared and became a shell. Sadly, that too would not work, as I know she'd not respect me and that it would be boring. Actually, in truth, the only way to be in a relationship with someone with BPD is to treat them terribly, use them, not care about them, et cetera. That would be tremendous bait for them to stay.

Love? Compassion? Commitment? Nah, you're an abusive prick if that's your game.

Thank heavens. I was afraid I was really loosing it and was the issue like I keep being told I am.

Very insightful. Seems so insane but I tend to agree with this.

AO

just_confused,

Your T is right on about going n/c.  The abusive cycle SUCKS!  I lived it for 3+ years with my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  What did I do during the r/s that I didn't normally do before or outside of the r/s?  I allowed someone to control me and emotionally abuse me.  I even allowed her to physically abuse me one time before I left for good after the second incident.  What else?  I returned to the abuse without so much as an apology or accountability for what happened.  There's more, but no reason to go into it.

I'm 124 days out of the r/s with 99% of that time n/c.  She rents a home with her young kids on my block and is moving at the end of the month.  There were some attempted n/c breaks by her, but all has been quiet in the past couple months.  All I can say is that recovery from the effects of a r/s with a pwPD (you name the variety!) is extremely difficult on the nons.  N/c gives you the time and space you need to navigate this difficult journey.  I suggest you set yourself up with a support/accountability network of friends/loved ones including this board.  Think of posting here before you break n/c or respond to your ex.  The folks here are great and have helped me immensely.  

Stay strong and stay n/c!  It's time to celebrate you!

I'm in the same situation. The break-up was three weeks ago and we're going on four now. We've had limited contact but we have still kept in touch. I told her what my feelings were and told her I'd give her enough time and space to find herself. She's been diagnosed with BPD so she knows what partly caused all the arguments we went through in the last months of our relationship.

The b/u is still a mystery to me. I have inquired several times to find out what the real reasons were. The reasons have always changed everytime I've asked, or she got mad, frustrated and told me she already told me. The reasons she's given me really aren't reasons to b/u. Still confused on that side.

The first two weeks we said we'd "work" on our relationship while being friends. The first two weeks I was able to work on the few things she reproached me. She saw the changed and acknowledged it. I then asked her what she was doing on her side to make things work: "I don't know" is the answer I received.

That marked the end of our relationship.

Now, we're "friends" and of course deep down I would love to get back with her.

Many threads on friendship with a BPD are so negative. The relationship I had with her was not nearly as abusive or even distrustful as the participants in those threads. That's why somewhere I keep hope. Hope that she'll really seek therapy like she said she would. Hope that she'll take care of the few health issues she needs to address. Hope that she'll turn around and realize "Oh ___, that really was the man of my life".

What hurts is that I know if all these changes don't take place in a near future, the hope will fade away, or worst she'll find a replacement.

Then, our relationship (the best I've ever had so far), will only be a memory that I'll cherish, feel sad about, and always remember as an "what if... . " or at least, this is how I feel right now.

As a matter of fact, I'm meeting her tonight. She's coming over to spend some time with me. On a full moon neither one of us can sleep. Twice we've met since the b/u and twice she's sent contradicting messages. She's acting cold/awkward, then warms up, is friendly, too friendly, flirtatious, and cold again. All this in the span of 1-2hours.

Yes, we're in the same boat and I admire you for finding the courage to enforce a NC policy. I still can't but I know at some point I won't have the choice.