I was just wondering if I was alone. When I was reeling from having had contact with him on Sunday, I actually begged me ex to take me back... . begged to the point where I knew I was being manipulative. I tried everything to get him to take me back. I even sent an email to him yesterday before I blocked him from calling me or emailing me to tell him he would always be the one who got away to me and that my heart would be waiting for him. That I would wait for him. Granted the b/u is 3 weeks going on 4 and we had not gone a week since the b/u without some sort of contact, but I would never normally have done that. I am horrified now, but I am wondering if I am alone in my actions. God, I hope not... . If I am, it just means that I am crazy.
I'm in the same situation. The break-up was three weeks ago and we're going on four now. We've had limited contact but we have still kept in touch. I told her what my feelings were and told her I'd give her enough time and space to find herself. She's been diagnosed with BPD so she knows what partly caused all the arguments we went through in the last months of our relationship.
The b/u is still a mystery to me. I have inquired several times to find out what the real reasons were. The reasons have always changed everytime I've asked, or she got mad, frustrated and told me she already told me. The reasons she's given me really aren't reasons to b/u. Still confused on that side.
The first two weeks we said we'd "work" on our relationship while being friends. The first two weeks I was able to work on the few things she reproached me. She saw the changed and acknowledged it. I then asked her what she was doing on her side to make things work: "I don't know" is the answer I received.
That marked the end of our relationship.
Now, we're "friends" and of course deep down I would love to get back with her.
Many threads on friendship with a BPD are so negative. The relationship I had with her was not nearly as abusive or even distrustful as the participants in those threads. That's why somewhere I keep hope. Hope that she'll really seek therapy like she said she would. Hope that she'll take care of the few health issues she needs to address. Hope that she'll turn around and realize "Oh ___, that really was the man of my life".
What hurts is that I know if all these changes don't take place in a near future, the hope will fade away, or worst she'll find a replacement.
Then, our relationship (the best I've ever had so far), will only be a memory that I'll cherish, feel sad about, and always remember as an "what if... . " or at least, this is how I feel right now.
As a matter of fact, I'm meeting her tonight. She's coming over to spend some time with me. On a full moon neither one of us can sleep. Twice we've met since the b/u and twice she's sent contradicting messages. She's acting cold/awkward, then warms up, is friendly, too friendly, flirtatious, and cold again. All this in the span of 1-2hours.
Yes, we're in the same boat and I admire you for finding the courage to enforce a NC policy. I still can't but I know at some point I won't have the choice.
