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I have been thinking a lot during the past couple of days.  After almost 4 months NC I have been thinking constantly about my exBPDh.  I have an urge to contact him.

I found some of our wedding photos.  Just when I seem to be getting over him, I always seem to find something that brings it all back.  Anyway, I put the photos in an envelope and I was going to send them to him.  I think I just want to remind him of me and make him see that he threw away a great relationship, a good life and a fantastic future.  I want him to see that he was wrong.  I want him to see that he treated me badly.  I wanted him to be sorry.

I know that this will never happen.  He is living his life without a care in the world with the replacement.  He probably doesn't even think of me at all.

I WANT HIM TO PAY FOR WHAT HE HAS DONE.  I WANT HIM TO HURT LIKE HE HURT ME!

Any advice?

I left my ex and ignored her repeated contact attempts because I had learned about BPD by then, and how the fear of abandonment is at the core of the disorder, so leaving her and ignoring her, abandoning her, was the way to hurt her the most painful way possible, short of beating the crap out of her, and ruminating about a borderline from a jail cell didn't sound fun at all.  She had it coming.

Anyway, if your ex is really suffering from BPD, he never has no care in the world.  Of course you would know, but the intensity of emotion, the inability to self soothe and all the wreckage the maladaptive coping tools create is a hell on earth full time.  My ex was only happy in short bursts, or the fake happy she turned on as a facade, but she is a miserable individual who hates herself and can't "figure out" life.

My hallucination is he's paying every day, he's hurting every day, in those quiet times when there aren't any distractions he does think about you, curled up in a fetal position rocking back and forth, mired in shame.  Call me crazy.

This is what'll happen if you send him the photos: he'll read it (correctly) as a sign that you're not over him. Which will feed his ego. Because with BPD/NPD it's ALWAYS about them and about CONTROL. Not love. He may even toy with you and say he's sorry things didn't work out, and maybe suggest that you try again. He might even turn on the tears for you. What would you do then? He's got his replacement. And most likely a replacement for that replacement. Do you want to be another of his replacement objects?  He won't be thinking about what he did wrong because if he reasoned that way he'd not have BPD. When was the last time anyone with BPD admitted they'd done anything wrong? They explode in fury if a non suggests they have any imperfections whatsoever. He's seeking soothing objects, and you're thinking of offering yourself up to be objectified as one. Don't waste your time on this. It will not end well. Been there, done that.

I'm sorry you are hurting Popcorn.  My experience in this phase - post-abandonment - is that I serve as a "trigger" to darkness for my ex-girlfriend.   Nothing I say, or do, will alter the fact that I am painted black.

I think the best thing for us to do is detach and create our own futures.   Someone quoted this to me once, and it resonates, "Anger is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die."

Popcorn,

It is so beautifully human how you are feeling and I have been there, too!  My uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years was a huge part of my life.  The problem was that with some of the good, I allowed her to emotionally and then physically abuse me.  She's high functioning and puts on a huge show to hide what is really going on inside.  I was the unlucky recipient of the dark side!  Her three young kids are also very troubled.  In the 124 days we've been apart and n/c, she's moved on to a replacement (poor sap!) who is going to be taking the whole clan into his house in a couple weeks.  This means she's moving from the rental house a baseball's throw from my home (YES!).

The only time I broke n/c was about a week into the b/u when I ran into her on my street and had some fantasy that we would have a warm closure discussion including her apologizing to me.  That's not how it went.  I was as calm as I've ever been with her and she basically said "I've needed a change in my life for the last year and you just bring out the worst in me." To which I asked - "you mean the fact that you emotionally and physically abused me?" Her answer was - "I've never had that issue before, so yes it was because you brought it out in me."  Then the zinger - "I did that stuff because I loved you."  And then - "I want you to still be in my life as a good friend and neighbor."  Wow!  I just shook my head and said "no thank you" and walked away knowing that one week earlier I had made what could end up being the best decision in my lifetime!  I could have responded about her ex H leaving her for another woman because of her craziness or her college bf taking out a restraining order against her.  I found that stuff out from her ex H.  None of it needed to be said and I knew all I needed to know about this mentally ill, emotionally and physically abusive person.  Just as she continued to act out and abuse, there will be nothing different with the new sap and it may get worse.

I still have dreams about her finally apologizing and taking responsibility for what she did and for driving me away.  I also know it will most likely never happen and I will go on with life having learned HUGE lessons about about myself, about life and about love.  I obviously don't need her to help me in that department... .

I hear you loud and clear. It's not fair what happened to you,me and all the other nons here. I try not to wish her ill thoughts. I have to remind myself that she is sick but the path of destruction they leave is massive and you would hope that in a perfect world they would be accountable for it.

But this world is neither fair nor perfect. I wish you all the best... . praying for you.

Either we dated exactly the same woman, or we're twins separated at birth, or both! :)

Breakup/NC initiated by the nons hurts them the most. I am not proud of that by any means... . But I was certainly not the only one hurt in this - she was too, but not out of her love for me (she can't love), but because of the rejection, abandonment and her complete lack of character and persona compared to myself. I say this with great sorrow because I love her, and she will remain a part of me forever. You said it well there - once the lights turn off and they are left alone, the pain starts... .

I actually had the whole "fetal position drama" unveil before my eyes... . It was surreal and traumatic... . It hurts incredibly to watch the person you love transform into an obviously mentally and emotionally ill, face-twitching, manipulative liar. As she went into a fetal pose, I could see a million emotions at the same time in her eyes, but the need to get out of the situation she got us both into and keep me at all costs was predominant and visible. She could not believe her own lies... . It was so pathetic that she felt shame but could not stop manipulating... . The crying, the begging, the lies... . I don't know what broke my heart more - her betrayal of everything that I gave her, her confession that she is diagnosed with a mental illness (and a list of other things she lied about), her admitted uncertainty of her feelings for me or a host of other emotions that were running through both my heart and my head. At that point, her devilish facial gestures, the infamous fetal pose, her inability to abstain from further manipulation... . All of that made her a mythical creature of sorts in my eyes, intent on devouring me emotionally, rather than a person who I thought loved me... . It was just surreal... . So, I know what you mean.

They go crazy after you if you show them strength of character; it's something they crave the most because it is impossible for them to have... . So, the best general advice I have for everyone is, once it starts, stay NC. They will respect you and envy you, no matter how much they hate to admit. My dBPDexgf noted that recently. She is strongly impressed by that (her words, and she's not the type to admit that), even though she hates me for that and labels me as "cruel."

I am curious what MBTI type are you since we reacted pretty much the same way... . Check out my MBTI topic: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223582.0

What does that look like for you?

It's never going to happen. That's the whole point of BPD and the whole reason why a healthy relationship can't occur. Sorry... .

The best revenge you can get is doing something awesome and being happy and living your life free of drama. Who cares about this idiot? Go do something super awesome.

It sounds to me like there are strong FOO issues playing a part in this... . People that have  healthy coping mechanisms dont want to make another suffer... .

Try to find what it is youre really angry with... . yourself, mom, etc.

Yes, your ex hurt you... . BUT in the end we played our role in it... . when you accept even staying with him was your part in this then you can start to grow from this... .

He is NOT living without a care in the world!  The same stuff will happen.

I was a replacement.  I met my xhusband when he was breaking up with his girlfriend.  We were married by the end of the year.  If you looked on my blog seven years ago, you'd see jokey references to him, humor, then stuff about our kids.  Nothing about all the pain and the emotional abuse.  Now we're divorced.  I don't know if his ex gf even knows that, or if she's still angry that he hurt her and moved on. 

I feel your pain.  I hoped for some validation.   It never came and never will.  I am probably the last person on this board to offer advice because hoping for some small amount of decency in the face of the advice of 4 psychologists, 1 psychiatrist and every one else in my life has driven me to a complete breakdown. 

What I can say though is that what I hoped for has not worked.  Radical acceptance of what is is I believe the only way through it.   God knows I have resisted that.   

They move on without a care in the world as far as we are concerned but there must be some bleakness there somewhere with them.   We won't see it, most of the world will never see it.   

Just please just don't make the same mistake I did clinging on to the hope that there would be some reasoning with them, some kindness or empathy.   

I just read an email from my ex sent three years ago today.   A couple of days before she was telling me it was "me and her against the world".  A few days later we were very close again.  But the email in hindsight is a clear example of how quickly they can change - from painting someone white to black.

My life feels very empty right now but I can (only barely) cope with my grief without someone adding to it.  All contact on my part was futile and has only made the healing that much harder and longer.

Want to hurt him good?

Do something nice for yourself. Have a spa day. Go on a short overnight trip. Go to a movie. Laugh. Even if you have to fake it. Listen to music loud, dance... .



The sweetest and most fulfilling revenge is to make yourself happy and love yourself. I mean really love yourself and make yourself number one, not him.  Any attention given him, no matter the outcome and even if it does hurt him, he will only hurt you MORE

Because Karma is a funny thing. PDs are great at imploding and hurting themselves, compliments of Karma, BUT, if you are also trying to hurt them, Karma steps back and allows you to TRY.

Leaving them alone allows Karma to do her thing. Believe me, I have tried both. Its much sweeter letting Karma do her thing.

Be Happy! :)

PS, Iam at a point where I truly pity mine. (ex BPD) Life has not been kind to her since she cheated on and left me.

By the way, my ex eventually DID admit he was at fault.  Through lots of therapy.  It only shows that deep down, they know.  I don't think they can come to terms with it because it is just not logical.  The good part of them can't understand the part that pushes away the ones they love.  So in their mind, they have to believe it's you in order to cope.

Good advice. You don't need revenge when they are sabotaging their lives with every cycle and eventually running out of narc supply as their looks fading. I saw her BPD mother raging, drunk and beating the crap out of her husband. Hospitalized from time to time. That is their future.

I don't think they can come to terms with it because it is just not logical.  The good part of them can't understand the part that pushes away the ones they love.  So in their mind, they have to believe it's you in order to cope.  Yep.  Shtty place to be.

And getting royally pissed off at the fcking borderline after we've been bludgeoned by maladaptive coping mechanisms is a normal and natural response to abuse.  And beating the sht out of a keyboard to post our outrage here is a healthy coping mechanism; sometimes reframes are fine and can take the edge off, sometimes it's better to let fly with with the rage.  We gotta get it out, the only challenge being doing it in a way that doesn't create more wreckage.

Hey popcorn, It's rare for a pwBPD to say he/she is sorry for the abuse they dole out, so trying to "make" your Ex feel sorry about throwing away a good relationship with you strikes me as a losing proposition.  Nevertheless I find your feelings to be quite normal.  My suggestion: don't bother to send him the photos.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

I'm loving everyone's responses but Seeking Balance's post raised a question that really hits home for me.

What does a PWBPD's suffering look like? How should it look? What will be a good sign of their it? What painful thing "should" be happening to them on a publicly displayed level? Should they be dragged in the middle of the streets adorned with a crown of thorns like Jesus of Nazareth being pointed and laughed at all while wearing a straight jacket? Should they have the letters "BPD cow branded on their foreheads?

Boisnix79 makes a good point. Usually when we want someone to suffer in a horrible way we're usually quite angry with someone other than the BPDex. I didn't want to believe this about myself when I had fantasies of beating my ex senselessly while tied to a chair. Because I was certain that it was ALL him. Turns out I was also quite angry at my Mom too. VERY ANGRY. I had gotten so used to bottling my anger towards mommy dearest that the ex became a comfortable projection for all of my rage. So yeah. I definitely had lots of unresolved FOO issues.

It's hard to see that our Ex's are suffering especially because of the intense pain that we feel ourselves. It's hard to see the pain of ourselves when our own hearts are so broken from abandonment, rejection, loneliness, and having to pick up the pieces of your life after mental illness.

But the more you learn about BPD the more you will fully see how shamed filled and perpetually damaged our ex's are. They do not have a magical "get out of jail free" card. They do not get to skip into the sunset of happiness while were are left broken. Because everywhere they are so is BPD.

Spell

Thanks for all your support.

I still have the photos here.  I know that it won't achieve anything to send them.  There were some other photos here of his too.  These were of his kids when they were young.  He didn't take them either.  I can't ever remember him looking at photos other than the odd one of his grand-daughter which he kept on display - more to appear as the doting grandfather to other people, than because he is really bothered about her.  I don't think there is anybody in this world who really means anything to him so why would he want photos of people?

I have had a really bad time lately and I am sick of it being me getting all the crap.  I did nothing wrong.  I was too good to him.  Yet he goes merrily on his way through life after turning my life upside down and wrecking everything I had worked so hard to achieve for us.  I wish I had been more selfish and looked after myself rather than doing the best thing for 'us' all the time.  I thought he was doing his best for 'us' but in fact he was only thinking of himself and using me.

That's why I am so angry.  I am angry at him.  I trusted him 100% and the reality was that he knew that and took advantage of me.  I hate him for that.  He knew what he was doing and he wanted to hurt me as much as possible.  He didn't just leave and end our relationship.  He chose to do it in a way that he knew would hurt me most.  It was almost a carbon copy of the way my first husband had left.  He had spent 9 years saying how bad my first husband was and he did the same thing, even though he always promised he never would, because he, himself had been hurt in this way too in the past.  He always told me he was not capable of putting me through such pain as he knew what it felt like.  He told me so many lies.  That is why I am angry and want to see him suffer!

I will take some of your advice and be good to myself.  I have some time off work next week so I will use it to do whatever I feel like doing.  I will sit back and let Karma work.  It's difficult but I know it's the right thing to do.  

What does a PWBPD's suffering look like? How should it look? What will be a good sign of their it? What painful thing "should" be happening to them on a publicly displayed level?

I saw it frequently, the look on her face in unguarded moments, when she wasn't putting on the facade of happiness, that attachment tool that works so well.  It was the look of someone who was in pain, just smelled a fart, and was hypervigilant of impending doom.  Not pretty, and I couldn't fix it.

Usually when we want someone to suffer in a horrible way we're usually quite angry with someone other than the BPDex.  I didn't want to believe this about myself when I had fantasies of beating my ex senselessly while tied to a chair. Because I was certain that it was ALL him. Turns out I was also quite angry at my Mom too. VERY ANGRY. I had gotten so used to bottling my anger towards mommy dearest that the ex became a comfortable projection for all of my rage. So yeah. I definitely had lots of unresolved FOO issues.

Yep, I was mostly mad at myself for putting up with what I did; took a while to cut myself some slack and validate that my heart was in the right place, towards someone who couldn't reciprocate.  And then mommy dearest too, absolutely, and acknowledging that has been one of the gifts of the relationship.  Our relationship in recent years has been one of sugar coated superficiality and sporadic, and I have no time for that anymore; now she gets earfulls as I work through it.  Hallelujah!

Thanks Spell.

So, specifically - you want him to feel the abandonment and loneliness that you feel so that he would... . what exactly?  What action are you looking for him to do?

I wouldn't care what he did after.  I just want him to know what it feels like to be treated like that. Why should he be happy when all he does is hurt people who are good to him?

An understandable sentiment under the circumstances but the more you build this up in your thoughts, the harder you're making it for yourself to detach.

He has a serious mental illness. Unfortunately you didn't spot it sooner and you got trapped in his abusive behaviors, which are symptoms of his mental illness. He does not see things as you see them. If you break NC then he will adjust his thoughts about that interaction to feed his perception of being the victim.

I would gently suggest that he isn't setting out with a diabolical master plan to hurt people who are good to him. Rather, he has spent a lifetime growing into a serious mental illness and he's learned ways to deceive others about his condition. He seeks relationships for selfish reasons, to be sure, which is ultimately hurtful to his partners. Unfortunately the nature of BPD is that they desire relationships (as do we all) but relationship intimacy triggers his destructive/abusive behaviors.  When he's triggered he has the emotional capacity of a 3-5 year old. Would you wish ill or pain upon a small child for his selfish behavior?

Popcorn. I'm sorry you are hurting. The pain of being abandonment and mistreated does feel very unfair but building up the narrative in your head that your ex is "happy" will only intensify the worst of your feelings. But I also respect that your anguish and hurt are a part of the healing process. In time you will come to accept that your ex really isn't a "happy" person who gets to hurt people for fun. Your ex is a very sick man and a man that will never be happy no matter how many plastic smiles he wears, no matter the new object, supply or latest escape….

When my ex left me for his ex and cheated with new supply... . after all that I had given him... . I too felt your exact same feelings of being thrown away. I wanted revenge and I wanted to see him dumped, shamed, and embarrassed in the same exact fashion he did to me. My ex physically assaulted me as well and never spent more than a night in jail. So yes. I understand your feelings of injustice. My ex hurt me and I gave him ALL of me. And what did he do? He took my money, left me for new supply, started a smear campaign, and never once apologized for shattering my heart.

In my heart for the longest time…I longed for an apology, for the validation that he treated me wrong, for him to fix what he had broken but it never happened. Many of us on here will not get the apology we desire or the recognition that we sacrificed ourselves for our exs but in time that apology will not matter because we don't need their validation to heal or feel whole.

You are allowed to feel hurt, angry, frustrated, disappointed, pissed and more importantly: sad. Feel your feelings today and as long as you need to.

Spell

Popcorn, re: your anger I would say get down and get in it, it can help you heal.  I would just add, and gently so, just keep in mind to use it as a means to an end -- your healing -- and not the end itself.  Keep posting, you have my empathy.




LGEX, I don't know about you but I know some 3-5 year olds that could use a good swift shot to the pills.

:)

I understand the comparison to a child.  While I was with him my teenage daughter and her friends described my ex as 'an overgrown toddler'.  Much of his behaviour was very immature for a man in his 50s.

However, thinking that doesn't lessen my pain and anger.  Although I also see that if he was hurt it wouldn't really positively affect my life either.

Popcorn u r wasting ur time.  let it go.  he mostlikly is hueting but is not gonna admitt it.  and the longer u linger around him the more he feeds off of ur hurt.

Popcorn, my advice would be, learn about BPD, read about it, understand what it means to have this illness.

If what you say is true and you think he is living his life without a care in the world then you really don't understand the disorder, or he hasn't got BPD and is actually a psychopath.  You want him to see he threw away a great relationship?  Be honest, was it great?  In reality you escaped from a toxic relationship and a miserable future... .

I go round and round the painful feelings too, and when I do and want to contact him I remind myself of why I'm no longer with him, why I left.  Did you leave him or did he leave you?  Seems that for those who are left it is harder to let go, but let go you must or you will never be able to get on with your life.

It's hard, but ask yourself why, really why, you want to make contact at this point?

  Janey

Janey you are right. All of you are right.

I felt better yesterday. I just seem to have one problem after another and it gets me down. All these problems are due to him leaving. He really tried to make sure my life would be difficult and he suceeded with that. I am slowly getting things sorted though. But I don't know how much more crap I can deal with.

I really want to contact him to upset his life a bit. To remind him what he has done. But I understand that it would have the wrong effect. It would make him feel better not worse. He would feel no sorrow or pain.

I still can't help but hope he faces what he put me through one day but I know I won't be the one who causes this.  It is so unfair to see him living as though he has no problems at all when he totally trashed my life.

Popcorn71,

I understand very much how you feel. My wife threw me in the garbage 8 months ago. 8 months now NC with the uBPDstbxW.

It's not easy of course. Your free now though and a real life awaits you. That's how I look at it. Try to not let your hatred or anger of him overflow in you just because he's happy in (his world). My ex is happy too. I just have a who cares / disgusted vibe every time I unfortunately think of her. I wanted my ex to at least say she's sorry or good luck to prove she's not evil. In 8 months that call hasn't come. After I thought about things though her past apologies were B.S., she'd do the same cr*p she apologized for an hour later or a week later or whatever. Each apology I got from her seemed lamer and less heartfelt. I plan to never speak to her again.

You asked for advice. Don't send the picture, go NC or LC if you must. He isn't going to learn any lessons or have any new real revelations. Give it up. Instead be ready for the person that your meant to be with that comes tomorrow or next year.  Make a list of all the bad things he stands for and pain he has caused you. If you look at that list often you will be glad he's gone. I have quite a list. I will have to see her in divorce court UNFORTUNATELY.

I have my own technique for healing. Its a mix of this and that. I am doing far better than I thought I would be which is great. Still is a rough road. I am just going to stay out of the ditches and holes on the road. Hope this helps. Thanks for letting me vent also. Hang in there.

Peace,

AO

Popcorn,

I'm glad you are feeling better. That is what posting is about: The catharsis. The thoughts of others who've worn your shoes keeps us from feeling all alone in this struggle to unhinge and detach.

As for contacting him keep this in mind: A mentally ill person cannot validate you and a mentally ill person cannot make amends or fix their wrongs. Contacting him will only give him the gratification that he is still on your mind and still has power over you. Let silence be your answer. I don't care if you have to cry every night or post a hundred times. Work on yourself and your own pain because he cannot make you feel better. That is a lie we tell ourselves when we believe that they are the keys to our happiness.

I understand that you are having a tough time but it won't last forever. My ex trashed my life as well with a devastating smear campaign and dangling his new supply in my face. The times he abandoned me made me feel like old newspapers. I felt very discardable and unimportant and it was a very sad time for me to feel the pain of having to put it all back together but this is where your strength kicks in.

The best way to upset a borderline is not through contact. It's by living your life to the fullest; without them. That is their burn and their kryptonite. Abusers always hate to see others succeed without them. This is your calling card and it is the best revenge. Getting revenge is a normal feeling. You want to see him hurt but let karma do its work on its own. Karma doesn't need your help. Trust that Karma collects; with interest.

The others on here are right. If your ex is BPD then he has problems for sure. They may not be visible to you but the same thing you experienced with him will be doled out to the new supply. He is not problem free and will never be.

Spell

BPD Spell:

I'm in a similar place as our original poster... . But the mentally ill one is my mother... Would you say that what you wrote below would go for a Mom as well? It's far harder than my BPD ex to not contact... . but without any acknowledgement of what happened when I was yooung its close to impossible for me to move on with our relationship... . Ahhhh what would you say?

As for contacting him keep this in mind: A mentally ill person cannot validate you and a mentally ill person cannot make amends or fix their wrongs. Contacting him will only give him the gratification that he is still on your mind and still has power over you. Let silence be your answer. I don't care if you have to cry every night or post a hundred times. Work on yourself and your own pain because he cannot make you feel better. That is a lie we tell ourselves when we believe that they are the keys to our happiness.

I like the way you put this Boisnix79, they cannot be the key to our happiness, no one person can actually, even though we want it so badly.

I'm sorry that you are suffering with having a mother who has BPD.  It's going to be harder to have NC in that situation I imagine?  What advice have you had from the Family board? 

Janey