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Today is the 8th day of NC for me. I realized that she blocked me and probably changed her number today not informing me so i guess she wants to NC too

Anyway... . pushing ahead... .

How does it make you feel that you are blocked?

i feel nothing, not angry or sad... . i just take it as thats what they do... . ? lol

Never know the reason why she did it but... .

Thanks Mutt

Thanks Skip for editing the thread... . it was started by Banshee originally

counting the days of NC... . was hard for the first 4 or 5 days, during that time felt i was feeling angry and constanly checking on my phone... . got fed up and deleted her from speed dial, removed her pics on the phone and silent all alerts on her calls and text... . seems peaceful for the last few days and spending more time here

It's Day 9 for me  |iiii Day 10 is the longest I've been no  contact and thought If I text him something on Easter, things would be nice and peaceful... Nah ,it was the same distant response.

He's never went total silent on me or cussed me out and said to never speak to him like Ive read so many times here. I think that might be one of the reasons I kept having contact.

It's easier this time around .I don't look at my phone as much or take it from room to room |iiii

You were together for 13 years? You have a long history together. I got rid of some things, pictures, gifts. I took some letters, family albums and stored them away. Removed all photos together on social media etc. I found it helpful to remove reminders of her, but I also didn't want to regret getting rid of everything. Kept things for kids when they are older.

NC is difficult, urges and impulses to contact your BP, it will pass, it takes a little time. The FOG will lift, your head will clear and you will feel better. It's important to try to not think about what she's up to. I hope that helps.

Sirius - here is really what NC can do for you:


As that happens, emotions will flood you - it is in this that a lot of people think "contact" is the way to soothe the emotions - in fact, these emotions need to be felt & processed (step 3 on detachment).

As you feel emotions - please post about it - no need to go through this alone - we are here.

Peace,

SB

Yes! Don't let the " I'm doing good" emotion trick you into  thinking you can   send a text or short phone call either!... For some reason I let THAT emotion trick me... most likely because when you hear and read about emotions they are the sad ... depressed and  negative ones... . the good ones can set you right back to day 1 too.

wow... . this is what i did not thought of ...

"NC is difficult, urges and impulses to contact your BP, it will pass, it takes a little time. The FOG will lift, your head will clear and you will feel better. It's important to try to not think about what she's up to. I hope that helps."

"As that happens, emotions will flood you - it is in this that a lot of people think "contact" is the way to soothe the emotions - in fact, these emotions need to be felt & processed (step 3 on detachment)."

"Yes! Don't let the " I'm doing good" emotion trick you into  thinking you can   send a text or short phone call either!... For some reason I let THAT emotion trick me... most likely because when you hear and read about emotions they are the sad ... depressed and  negative ones... . the good ones can set you right back to day 1 too."

I was thinking what she is up to... . thats why the urge was lurking behind it... . and the trick thing make sense now... .

Thanks guys... . going into 9th day now.

7 weeks yesterday and the need to break NC is back. I'm feeling overwhelmed with sadness and anger. I don't know where it's coming from. I've been feeling so strong and in control. The longest NC before this was 10 days. I thought for sure he was going to try another recycle and I'd had my rejection for him all planned. I guess the longer the time goes on I realise that may not happen. And that's where my sadness lies. Not that I want him in my life. I firmly don't but I want to be able to show him that rejection that he showed me. It kills me he's replaced me with my ex best friend. I've made an appointment with a psychologist today. I had a few visits with her 2 years ago when my marriage failed. I have to wait 2 weeks to see her. I can feel my despair building up again. It's consuming my life.

Narellan,

Mine is 10 days too! and your thoughts are EXACTLY like mine with the hopes ... . dang I'm thinking my ex won't contact either ... but just like and your reason wanting him to contact is once again exactly my thoughts too!



My question to this is what would you say?

I thought about it and this is what I would text  ... I'm coming by to see you this weekend :) and then wait for a response...

I'm not but it's right there... I'll fight it with all I have.

I want him to break the NC. Thats the all important thing for me. I want him to show up at my door begging for another chance, so that i can say nothing, but close the door on him. Its a final closure thing for me. I really dont want to say anything to him. I just need to know he still thinks of me. And i want to reject him the way he has rejected me. Im so hurt to have lost him, but i never ever want him back in my life after how hes treated me. I suppose i would feel like im taking back some power if i get a chance to do this final rejection to him.

Narellan, These are my frst few days of posts here... I feel your pain and understand to well

Yes Banshee. Exactly my thoughts.

That classic one liner, or final exit for me occupies my thoughts. I am prepared for it, which is good. But then more and more let down that i cant exit from this by having the upper hand.

I feel humiliated by him, so i want to get even by rejecting him face to face when he comes back to recycle.

The thought that he wont try to pains me further.

When you focus more on what YOU are up to, it gets much better.


Staying NC accomplishes this.

Why resort to an eye for an eye?

Revenge is not the best form of closure.

I want to see and feel it this way... This will come in time I'm sure but the overwhelming need to take back what someone purposely destroyed that was giving with love surly has to go through a phase before I can realize that... . One thing that I hold on to is reading so many times about their thinking is so different than ours... Most likely he won't feel the same rejection i did and it would be pointless.

Thats so true Banshee. "he wont feel the same rejection i did and it would be pointless"

But mine thinks we are still friends. Thats what i agreed to in our last contact. And i think he will feel something if thats not the case. I dont really think of it as revenge, more taking back control over the bullsh#t.

But then id probably feel guilty afterward. Im not a mean person at all. Then id probably text to apologise. Lol its made me rethink all that now. Best if he never does come back at all. Maybe its a blessing in disguise that he and my ex best friend have each other.

At this point I feel very much like Narellan and Banshee too however I have restrained myself from anger... .

I was thinking to put it up to her face all the evidence of cheating I gathered for the past 12 years when she was with me and to hurt her as a closure and I think again, that will hurt me to hurt someone I used to love. So, I decided not to confront her or talk or even see her for any reasons would be the best closure for me. As like one of my dogs that went missing, one day she left, no clue and no warnings after staying with me for 9 years, I rescued her from an abusing owner, no matter how long or how much I went to search and try to find her, she is gone. I was angry and felt how ungrateful that was, over the years, I accepted it and only leaves the good thoughts in my mind about it.

At this point in time, I am still hurt, ashamed and bruised mentally, somehow I chose not to be like her no matter how much I want her back, I am moving forward away from her no matter how long or how it it takes not because I was hurt, because I have given her the best I could all the 12 years I was with her, I have done my best for her and I will not let her

hurt me anymore.

It will be difficult because not only we had tormented times with them, we also shared happy and meaningful times together, I want the good to remain as memories knowing I will not have her back again.

  Sirius xx

Thanks Banshee and Narellan... . |iiii

It's been like 12 or 13 days now NC? I lost exact count of it.

Went to visit my mom yesterday... . took a 3 hours drive... . reminded me and her again on our last trip there in December... . was sad remembering the conversation we had at that time

Broke no contact on day 10 I suck.  but I do hate him... really I do!

Banshee... . seems the same result all them when we break NC... . isn't it?

Once in a while i had the urge to text and i lay down the phone and said to myself, wait another hour and the urge went off later... .

So he reach out for you or you texted him?

Weekends and holidays are the worst... .

I did it... me all me

I've quit smoking and know that feeling of the urge passing... but with No contact ... I will be doing fine and then bam the urge... MINE doesn't pass, every time I've broke no contact it has been like that... Maybe I'm missing that pass link.

Yes one good thing is I found out he's seeing someone and just like I said  on another thread this was a step up for me.

I don't take ganders at my phone to see if he's texted.

I don't think about hmmm maybe he will contact by the weekend... tues... thurs... etc. I KNOW he won't have nothing to do with me while seeing someone else ( I would have never known this if it wasn't for this site) Thank you.

I can now get up and do something besides  sitting here like an old cat lady trying to ride it out ,hoping we could fix it.

My victory is  I left on a good note with class and dignity... that was for 2 reasons

1) If he never contacts me again I still have my dignity.

2) If he did contact me I would rip him to shreds like a rabid dog with one simple text! and block all his numbers.

#2 may change  to just ignore and never look back but that would depend on my mood and how much time has passed.

The worst part  of  breaking NC  for me, that was worse than knowing his with someone else , is the fact he kept saying he couldn't be with anyone right now because of his illness... I've heard this several times and I would  suggest  if your exBPD says this .twist their sentence just as they are so notorious of doing  and hear it for what it really means.

This is what their actually saying

I can't be in a realtionship with anyone that has knowledge of my illness.

Do so true Banshee they can't be with anyone that has knowledge of their illness. My ex was so paranoid about what I was saying to other people all the time. Hated gossip. So do I, but I think more so he never wanted people to know the real him. And I am seeing the real him for everything it's worth now. No wonder he was paranoid. After our split he did a ring around most of my friends and made sure none of my family members were talking to me. This is to isolate me so I wouldn't have anyone to confide in. Purely conjecture in my part, but it's all falling into place now. Xx

This sounds so awful ... are things better now with your family and  friends?

Thank you so much for such kind words...

Yes things are all restored with my family. He didn't paint me black to anyone, just rang them to make his point that he only ever wanted a friendship with me and to explain his side of the story. I only know this from reading his FB messages :) no one had mentioned him to me again, maybe he did bag me but I don't really give a toss. They're none of my best friends just acquaintances really. The only friend I lost was my best friend. And really that was no loss either now I look back.

Let me relate what just happened to me today, I am in NC since 21st April, today I went to see my therapist and he told me that he received a call from my uBPDexGF on 21st April, almost 2 weeks ago asking for information and he told her that he need to get my permission to be able to talk to her about me. So on the 21st April, i went to sign the disclaimer at the office and my T called her on 23rd April. Here's the conversation (i was only told about this today ):

T: Hello, Ms.BPD, I am mrT for Sirius, he has been our patient/client here for the past months and has been here every Sunday and fortnightly, how can I help you?

Ms.BPD: Ah... . so you are the T for Sirius eh? Do you know that he has gotten worst than before he went to you, please tell him to stop harassing me or I will take up a restraining order. ... . hang up

What the heck! what did i do? The last time on 20th April when I decided to go NC, I emailed her all the passwords and access that belonged to joined emails and account that we had because I don"t want it anymore and she can do whatever she wanted with it, I am so done with it.

To her, that is harrassement or what? It makes me more determine now that this person is beyond repair 

Sirius, I'm sorry. Have you read information on BPD smear campaigns? She is distorting you to your T. Protect yourself, don't give her these opportunities.

Thanks Mutt, I know and my T also knows about it, the last time she called i was with my T and i put it on speaker phone so my T can listen to how she speaks to me and also the nasty text that accused me of being with another women at the very moment my T is sitting infront of me... . lol

I asked my T to go figure who has been harassing who?

I consciously stay out of any situations with ex that would triangulate me or her. I get email bombs and I'm careful, I choose only what needs a response with the kiddos. I steer clear, she can't come to me to soothe herself for something that is happening to her in her life. Take care of you!

Today is the 15th day or maybe 14th day of NC, I hope she doesn't call and I think/guess she has moved on to someone new. Anyway, after finding out from phone records that she's been cheating for the past 12 years and also started calling up guys 2 days after we broke up, it makes it easier for me not to look back and i felt the 12 years was a lie. I have made good progress addressing the pink elephant and I hope this would stay.

Urge of texting and missing her is almost gone and the thing is, what I am doing most now is thinking a lot of the things she said to me while she was cheating on me as if I am trying to figure out what was a lie and when did she do it that I did not noticed about it. I don't think that is good and I have to stop talking about her. I started addressing her as my exGF now, using the word EX.

Bro... . I feel for you man... . truly. I get absolutely ashamed at my own weakness having gone thru only one year of lies, cheating, manipulating, blackmail, stealing, and did I say CHEATING. Yet slinking back for her sex and rollercoaster drama ugh. The insanity made normal life boring. But now... . its soo nice to just relax and think about playing golf or tennis with my buddies again.  I cant imagine the prison you have been in. I can not imagine the pain and suffering when I hear stories of attachments for decades... .  thank the gods I  busted her as many times as I did... . thank the gods she split me black and banished me... . ( and then contacted me after a smear campaign)  Yeah... . running back 4 times was enough for a lifetime.

Stay strong, good luck.

You owe yourself so much more then that ... . we get one life... . no do overs... . recover the best you can... . and try to remember not all women are total asss.

Well today would have been my 8th day of NC but I screwed up.  I was having a total sob fest melt down.  I texted.  I said I am just trying to understand what happened here.  It was just so sudden.  What happened?  He absolutely shredded me.  I am horrible, hurtful, self-centered, think I can do no wrong.  He has made a decision that I will never "leave him" or "tell him to go away" again.  I "insist" on engaging him which only frustrates him and makes him act like an a$$hole which gives me more ammunition "against him".  He doesn't want anything to do with me ever again.  "Is that CLEAR enough?"

Major freaking ouch.  I was asking him about what led to the falling out.  Where he screamed and yelled at me and I said I was "done with this".  He was talking about the aftermath.  I did say some nasty things to him.  Called him abusive.  Told him he was seriously f'ed up.  Not capable of a rs.  That he hurts people and takes no responsibility for it.  I posted about it.  I wasn't proud of myself.  I was pretty sure he'd never forgive me for that.  And it looks like he won't.  I'll take responsibility for my part.  And I know I had some responsibility for what led up to it.  I knew he was feeling insecure.  (Not why but that he was.)  I knew that was where a lot of his criticism and abusive behavior was coming from.  I didn't deal with it well. 

I responded that I was sorry for hurting him.  I regretted the things I said.  I would not attempt to engage him further.  I loved him.

So that's that.  I'm devastated.  Really am.  I can't deal with him hating me.  Once again I know it needs to be over but I just have the hardest time letting go.  Now I don't have much choice.  I hope my pride will prevent me from ever reaching out again.  It has to.  God this sucks.

Em, I have done EXACTLY as you have done.  We are human, we were abused and finally had enough.  You apologized, feel good about that.  What he replied to today? Don't (try) to over analyze, but some of what he said was probably projection, he is disordered, his thoughts do not line up.

Forgive yourself and move on, tomorrow is a new day.  I have been exactly where you are, and I understand.  "if you love something set it free... . ". In our case, detach with love. 

CiF

Emilie my hearts breaking for you. I totally understand how you feel. Don't feel responsible for this. It might just be the turning point you need to really see who he is. But the complete devastation you're feeling now I felt a few weeks back. What got me through was spending hours on here , spending hours sobbing, grieving the loss. It's taken me weeks to feel a bit better. Keep posting on here, and I think you can see NC now is the only way to get over this.  Do you have some friends you can talk to? Admittedly I couldn't face anyone for days, I just needed to curl up in bed and cry like I'd died a thousand deaths when I discovered his  affair with my best friend. I couldn't see a way through it. But after a few days the answers came to me, and I have improved. But for now sweetie feel the pain. It is what you will remember if he contacts you again. If you need to talk I'm home today, feel free to message if u want. Xxx

I hurt so bad reading that... just shocked,,I'm so sorry :'(

You have to wonder what evil could someone be possessed with to  say this with 8 days of not speaking to them.

I know of NOTHING that would  have me react to someone in this way.

Has he ever said anything like this before?

On one hand he sounds angry but on another he seems just  miserable.

Get back on that no contact ,it's hard but we're here for you

Thank you Banshee.  I guess he has said some of it before.  The first time he broke up with me because I "walked out on him" one night when he was being super abusive.  He was never going to let me "walk out" on him again.  Of course that wasn't why... . which he later admitted.  It's how he orchestrates break ups.  He did the same thing this time.  He was ranting and raging and I said "I'm done with this" and now he's never going to let me do that to him again.  He has told me he would never speak to me again more than once.  But he never broke off contact or ignored me before.  I think there are a couple of things going on here:

1.  He promised me the world if I would only come back to him.  Then the "hating" started all over again.  After the ranting and raging argument I called the next day to try and work it out.  He wouldn't take my call.  He hasn't "spoken" to me since.  Making it my fault alleviates his guilt for dumping me again and it's how he'll explain it to people. 

2.  He asked me for a big favor early last week.  Financial in nature.  After the abusive behavior and dumping me again.  I replied "Are you f'ing kidding me?".  Proceeded to ask him if he had any idea how I felt right now?  I felt used and discarded.  He knew I was terrified to get back into this rs.  I just didn't want to go through this pain again.  And here I was.  That he had made me a lot of promises... . none of which he kept.  Etc.  His response was cruel and dismissive (I suppose he was embarrassed to ask and I said no on top of it).  And I lost it.  I told him exactly who I thought he was.  It wasn't pretty.  And I called him on some things that I knew he couldn't face.  Some things he had done to other people.  Things that cost him life long friendships.  That he had created stories about to alleviate his guilt, his responsibility.  He can't face those things and he now knows I know the truth.  (I never said anything before.)  He lives with all this SHAME.  I held up a mirror.  He can't handle that.  I see him as he really is and he can't live with that.  I have to be wrong.  I have to be bad.  He has to hate me now.  I don't think there's any coming back from this.

I do feel terrible for hurting him that way.  He's said a lot of equally awful things to me over the course of our rs but I'm supposed to be the healthier one, right?  Good, bad, and terrible I still love him.  My "engaging" him consisted of one text last week asking that we not leave it this way.  He said it hurt less this way.  I told him to go away.  How else was there to leave it?  I said like we mattered to each other.  I apologized (again) about the things I said.  I took a lot of responsibility.  He never responded.  That was it until today. 

Split Black, thank you... . i can see what you mean now. Prison? I have been to prison for false accusation and was acquitted, prison feels nothing like that, the folks there were more caring.

I once place a gun on my forehead and pulled the trigger... . the cartridge did not went off for some reason i don't know why... . now I knew the answer, its not me that is insane, i was driven to madness.

Emelie, as much as I melt down missing her and want to soothe her pain and reach out, everytime she would just trash me and devalue me more... . to the point I have no more remorse or sympathy for her... . like Cardinals said, if you love something set it free... . I would say, if you love yourself and also him, set both free... .

Felling hurt and lost is natural as we lost someone we once loved dearly and still is. Now that we know why we are where we are and who they are or were, pick up the pieces and TRY not to look back, one day we will know the answer as to why the relationship has failed. The relationship failed not because of one person, so don't blame yourselves for it.

by not keeping NC i guess we are just in circular conversation... . it doesn't solve anything contacting them or hearing from them.

This is interesting to me ... pwBPD like to blame everything on the SO... I'm very surprised that more don't provoke a break up so it too will be blamed on the NON.

This is what my ex did he would go off and get frustrated and I would HAVE to go ... I couldn't sit there any longer ... But just like you I would turn around and call or text ... trying to fix from a distant to be met with Oooh NO you broke up and abandoned me and I'm not doing it anymore.

I remember one time real early in our relationship where were having  a spat ... I asked him... If you want to break up let me know... he text back and said I just can't do it ... you will have to. Now at the time I thought that is a cute and sweet as a bunny with hiccups... he can't break up with me ... Ohh How I love us! ... WRONG ... I realized he couldn't break up because he didn't want to take the blame ... he wanted me to be at fault like all the other stuff I was blamed for.

Also just like your situation the break up is also different ... alot worse... everything went to minimum almost to silence... if he would answer by text it would be 2-3 word replies... refused to speak on the phone or see me... He was the one to abandoned the relationship but yet screamed so loud over the phone early on "YOU F-n fix it you F-n broke it! I did everything he asked to do to get back together ... every hoop I jumped only to watch him fade away in darkness.

Don't beat yourself up and feel bad for him... I said some awful stuff to my ex too... we can't go from soul to soul sucking the emotional life out of ppl like them ... you were angry you had the right to be and he probably deserved every word. We   you and we're here for you

Good words Banshee