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I know that question may sound pretty awful.  The reason I ask is there were times throughout the relationship, and particularly toward the end of the r/s, where I felt this.  I became so exhausted by my ex's issues -- his drama, negativity, self centeredness, the circular conversations that went nowhere, the sensation of being stuck or in limbo with him, that the interaction was frankly boring. I feel badly for saying this, because his issues are serious ones, but that's honestly how I felt at times.  I felt that today, strongly, as I reflected on the r/s.

I was wondering if anyone else felt that way.  Is there something wrong with me for feeling that way? 

I understand this very well it's what would make me leave... like it's squeezing the life out of me  oh so slowly too.

My ex would kinda hang his down and shake it ... I would instantly freeze and scream in my mind please please please don't start this.

The way you had to be at such strict attention for long talks of absolutley nothing... don't look away ... don't interrupt ... don't agree but then don't disagree either...

I couldn't stand it when he would make a fist and put it on his stomach and say I GOT TO SAY THIS ... IT'S GOT TO COME OUT NOW... I knew then I was in for a doozy. By the time he was done I was either out the door ... mouth hurting from clenching my teeth or having to sit on my hands to keep myself from snatching the hair right out of my head.

Now that you mention it, yeah totally and for exactly the same reasons you sum up there.

not sure if it's boredom or being emotionally burned out.

So much time controlling our own emotions and trying not to set them off... . years... decades of it = emotional burn out.

My answer is the same as froggy's -> emotional burn out. To much chaos happening to consider anything boring with my ex.

Yeah, though it took the last breakup for me to see it, before that I was on the roller coaster and at my wits end.

Then I came around one night while we were trying to work it out, she ignored my like usual and played with her dogs, constantly telling them she loved them. We had dinner, if it wasn't taking about her whatever is said was crap and reflected I wasn't good enough for her. Anything new I liked she belittled etc. either everything was about her little part of the world or it was useless, and I remember thinking wow this is insanely boring, she hates everything but herself...

I was definitely emotionally burned out. I felt like I was running on empty throughout most of the r/s.  :)rained.  I dunno, maybe I was beginning to detach from the r/s during the r/s.  I just remember stepping back during his silent treatment or in the middle of him manufacturing chaos, and thinking to myself that there's more to life than this.  There are so many positive things that stimulate me.  The negative that he put out there almost non stop didn't stimulate me, it got old.  

Exactly.

Yes. In my experience I felt the emotional burnout some of you mentioned. Also, his perpetual unhappiness, down in the dumps mentality, being a victim of the world, selfish mindedness was both draining and boring. I'm a happy person... . let's just be happy!

+1 emotional burnout.  What I would have given for one solid week of stability... .

... . and just as I typed that out, I had a vision of a stable, loving relationship and I could hear my heart screaming "YESSS!"   While a "normal" relationship might be more boring than a BPD relationship, I know will be much more contented.   :)

It was a combination of emotional burnout and boredom. There was a lot of emotional discussion, but without any substance or content, if that makes sense. I would have killed to just have a normal conversation about ideas or events or SOMETHING other than emotions and sex and drama. The relationship was "boring" in the sense that it was not intellectually stimulating in any way. It was unadulterated emotion, which led to emotional burnout.

It is very important to note that "chaos" is not the opposite of boredom. Chaos can, in fact, be decidedly boring.

Yes, I hate to say it but my uBPDxw bored the hell out of me. She was no fun at all. Non inspiring! She had no interests or hobbies. I on the other hand had many interests and hobbies. I guess when your only  desire is using other people to make yourself feel good doesn't leave room for anything else.  I remember telling her that I never felt motivated to write any songs about her (I play guitar) and I remember thinking to myself it's because she doesn't inspire me me in anyway. At the end I remember telling her that I never felt like a loving partner with her but I was made to feel,like I was her Dad. I'm glad to be finally out of that role!

I like peace and harmony, calm, quiet, solitude.  I live in an area that fosters that.  Yet I've found myself in relationships where my partners like it running "hot."  By that I mean chaos, drama, and upheaval.  

Initially, on the surface, they appear to enjoy peace and harmony as I do.  But as time marches forward, I find myself at the receiving end of a partner who is attempting to work through old baggage through the r/s.  There's the acting out and creating chaos, and when the issue is discussed, playing victim (I'm to feel sorry for them because of x,y,z) and pretty soon I'm in the position of trying to restore harmony and stability.  I become the peacekeeper.  That's where my energy goes in relationships. I've selected partners whose behavior undermines my lifestyle. The last r/s was rock bottom for me, and choosing to stay in it was one of the worst choices I've ever made.

The question is, why didn't I walk away at that moment when I saw that my ex and I weren't compatible?  :)rama is boring to me.  Chaos is boring.  Those things turn me off.  In friendships I steer clear of people who try to bring that to the table, and yet in romantic relationships I tolerate it even when I see the writing on the wall.

I look at the beginning of the r/s with ex. The end of the r/s was immense chaos, but it was quite the opposite in the beginning. I was being knocked off the pedestal at the end, it was a long way down.

There was no polarizing dynamic in the beginning. What attracted me to being put on a pedestal is the question that I needed to ask myself.

At the beginning of my r/s I was mostly placed on a pedestal, but even then there was some subtle devaluation.  I wasn't comfortable with him elevating me like that, and at the time I was able to identify the devaluation.   

Looking back, at about the one-month mark, it was as though he was grooming me, alternating between devaluation and putting me on that pedestal, to condition me to be thankful for the crumbs he would throw me later in the r/s. 

I can understand this, I saw the other side of her on a phone conversation before we started dating. I triggered her fear of abandonment because I stood her up on a date. She was yelling and screaming on the call, disproportionate anger. The same personality that I'm dealing with constantly now, 7 years later. An alarm went off  red-flag "there's something really wrong here" and I ignored my intuition.

I went through our articles, listened to other members and identified that I'm codependent. It was the validation that I needed from my ex due to my FOO issues. I ignored the warning signs due to my traits, that's what I brought to the table in our r/s.

Thanks for that insight.  Since I was the peacekeeper (the one trying to restore balance) I have to wonder if I'm playing the role that my mother did in my FOO.  I found myself wanting validation from my ex when he mistreated me.  But I'm not someone who *needs* validation from others to maintain my sense of wellbeing.  I guess my question is, is my codependency rooted in peacekeeping?  Does that even make sense? 

That is very good insight and a valid question. I was on the leaving board, but was seeking answers about myself in the context of why I got attracted to a BP. What are issues and why I stayed in a toxic r/s. I would post on different boards. I didn't want to fall into the rabbit hole again with another PD. I wanted to identify my negative personality traits and learn from this painful experience, I wanted answers.  

I think that it makes sense. Do you think it's something worth exploring and re-posting / re-directing this post on PI? Taking Personal Inventory Board  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=27.0)

Yes After years of being together I would know when the brick wall was going up... . there were long journeys in the car say two hours or more without a word spoken, because my attempts at conversation went nowhere, OK Im not a chatterbox but he didnt seem to be able to express an opinion on anything, unless it was a black and white knee jerk reaction. He couldnt really hold a conversation with anyone, didnt have close friends, it made me feel cut off, I knew we were missing out on life... . everything had a negative edge put on it, and even his unpredictable reactions became predictable, when I saw that look in his eye I knew here we go again, now he's going to explode and wont talk to me for a week... . yawn.

Thank you!  Yes, I think I've zeroed in on a "why" that I should explore further. Yes, I'd like to redirect this post on the PI board.  Should I begin a new thread there? 

This was it for me, too. We'd sometimes talk about interesting things, then she would bury herself in some fashion mag. My T got to know her a little,.and me really well since I didn't abandon therapy. He finally told me that we were just not a good match and to pick someone my own level next time. He also said, "find someone your own age." I think he was talking about more than just the years.

In the beginning when we were first dating, I had this feeling like she had attached herself to me as more an accessory. Very waifish. I still stayed, even though I kept thinking "why am I with this woman?"

Yes create a new thread.  |iiii  I hope you find answers 

I felt emotionally exhausted and unconsciously and then consciously started detaching once my partner broke her promise to get therapy. We'd try to have conversations about the things we once talked about (we were and are really well matched in terms of personality, interests, etc), but I just didn't care.  I knew I was depressed and I knew I was withdrawing.  I had had several "come to jesus" talks with her and all were met with the predictable behaviors.

Bored?  Emotionally exhausted? Depressed?  I just didn't care what she was talking about because I knew it led to the same place.  I just slept a lot by the end.

Going through that now.  Not saying what's on my mind anymore.  Not even about small things in general.  I feel I am never heard and always walking on egg shells anyway.  I use to listen to his every word.  Now I find my mind drifting off when he's talking.  Not all the time, but enough for me to feel sad about it.  So much of my love for him has died. 

More exhaustion than boredom for me ... .

If it wasn't her constant and ever changing health problems, her eating disorder, all kinds of triggers, her discontentment with life, lack of direction, money problems... . it was something else.

It would ALWAYS end up being about "us" being the main source of her problems and then it would be narrowed down to me not meeting her needs.

Damn it was tiring. I'm still catching up on sleep  :)

Zzz

The health problem stuff  something was always wrong ,hurting not feeling right with him... it made me think of older people that complained so much and in so much detail... I would catch myself wanting to take a deep breath but I did very sly like so he wouldn't notice... sure is funny he didn't seem bothered at all when he was around other people... once they were gone  the "Face" would come back. bleh

When we had been married about 2 years, I can remember my mom saying "I think you are going to outgrow him".  Even though somewhere inside I knew she was right, I was instantly defending him.  But that was more difficult to do as time went on.  While I finished college and started a career,  raised 3 kids, and tried to keep the peace,  he remained in the same place emotionally. His idea of a fun evening is still "partying" 20+ years later.

So maybe boredom in the sense that the issues just repeated over and over, and we did not grow together in interests or anything else.  Exasperation and exhaustion from feeling like the only reliable adult/parent for a very long time.

YES on the health thing.  There was always something physically wrong.  Something that hurt.  Is this common?  

And yes I got bored sometimes.  When he was going on and on about how somebody was an a$$hole or his work.  If I was speaking he would constantly interrupt me.  Constantly.  Change the subject back to him.  The reason I finally noticed it was he accused me of always interrupting him.  So I tried to be very conscious of that.  That's when I realized it.  He wasn't very interested in what I had to say.

This quote is written as she in context, but change to he.


https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

I wasn't bored. But my relationship was only 4 months. And it was pure excitement and awakening for me in every way possible. But it was constant drama and chaos too, and I liked the adrenaline the whole thing was like one big trip. Very very unhealthy when I look back. My ex told me toward the end he was bored having sex with me in my bed, he needed variety. This makes me laugh now, because only 50% of the sex was in my bed. And it was never boring to me.  |iiii

I wouldn't call it bored, but I was stressed to the point that I no longer wanted to do anything with her, and couldn't even have sex with her.

I don't know if I was bored, but I was very tired of walking on eggshells.  I was tired of trying to read her moods.  I was tired of trying to keep her balanced.  I was tired of trying to keep her from raging... .

If you noticed I said TRYING... I was walking on eggshells, I couldn't read her mood, I couldn't keep her balanced, and I couldn't stop the raging.  So I don't think I was bored, I think I was just done and didn't know it.

I can't even recognise myself when I look back on the time with him. I'd forgotten he said that about being bored already. We had sex in the most outlandish places. Including a tree! And his fathers back shed. It makes me laugh to think about it now. The things you do :)

I would've been crying a few weeks ago to think that was all gone, all that spontaneous passion. Now I can laugh about it and see how unsustainable the whole thing was.

Sorry  :) I think I've gone off the thread a bit lol, but no I was never bored.

:)

The mental picture of this is hilarious! How on earth was  that possible? IN a tree? lol

Hahaha I am cracking up thinking about it now  :) it wasn't difficult. There was an old car bench seat in a tree some kids had made this kind of a treecubby. And we stumbled upon  it one day when we were walking. We both grew up in this local suburb and we always reminisced about our childhood and teen years. So we started exploring this cubby, and exploring each other. Fairly exciting due to the thrill of getting caught. And about it being inappropriate. Lol. We were so impulsive. I can't even say I was easily led, because pretty sure I misled him. I was actually reliving my teen years when I was with him.

Banshee, I don't know if you intended it this way but this gave me a good laugh :).  Thanks.  Myself I'd become a trained seal where in order to keep getting fish thrown my way I had to achieve some Boddhisattva level of emotional self-suppression.  What a mess, I'm actually embarrassed at how many unhealthy choices I made.

Yes, it's common.  I played nurse to heartburn, headache, body aches, and imagined flu symptoms.  All these ailments appeared every week in one form or another and lasted hours.  They appeared when he was feeling deeply unsatisfied with life (work, friends) and was grumpy.  A couple of times the physical symptoms were so bad (he appeared to be in so much discomfort ) I thought he needed medical attention.  The symptoms lessened within minutes when I would suggest we go to the ER.    Those were sure light bulb moments. 

When I look back on it and being a fly on the wall I could see it being funny ... me sitting there looking like a deer in headlights haha...

That resonates with me.  Perhaps my ex was low functioning, because he was like that everyday.  He could keep up appearances at work (enough to keep his job), but outside of work, that was him (what you described) every day.  He could only spend time with others, one-on-one or in groups, for 3 or 4 hours at a time.  The first hour he was reasonably pleasant, and then his walls went up, his mood crumbled and that was it.  I think this is why he minimized his social contact and time spent with others, me included.

Yes mine too was a hypercondriac and always at the physio. I didn't know this was a common theme for them. And I had a lightbulb moment reading a few of these posts about his conversation topics.he would often switch it back to him. And once he said he's not into " cyberbabble when we were messaging on FB. And told me he was bored. This was an hour before we split for the last time. Clearly he couldn't be bothered with the act anymore.

Oh my word.

My marriage to a T. When he started to use a cane (at 44) I felt as if I was married to an old man. We had been to so many doctors, had MRI's, X rays... . no one could find anything wrong with him.

It was all in his head. And a way to get attention, and to get out of doing stressful things in life.

My ex was the most frightened man I've ever met. The world was out to get him.

I'm not sorry he's gone. I rejoice.

L

Like some have said, I felt burned out, sick of dealing with it. Funny too, he stopped wanting to go out and do much once he got together with me. Before he seemed to love to go out but after we became a couple he wanted me to be his whole life. I guess that was pretty boring now that I think about it. And tiring, always waiting for his next tantrum

WOW Mine too... he thought my ex husband was crazy not taking me out... wanted to know details of our problems so "he would never make those Mistakes' We never went to ONE SINGLE PLACE... after getting together... he would grab his stomach and say he got a knot in the pit of his stomach with anxiety anytime I mentioned it.

Now we did go to the beach twice... I planned and paid,,but he never left the room or balcony... . damn what was I doing with such a person... I mean really.

Hi all

Yes Yes Yes

I relished the times when I got my own space from him (that wasn't a breakup as they were depressing and exhausting).

I could go on Facebook, check my emails in private, (without fear of accusations/assumptions) listen to music if I wanted, or watch movies, none of these things were supposedly 'interesting to him', he considered himself above all 'that' and said most of that stuff is for 'kids', (yet another indirect insult).

All he said he was interested in when around me, was looking at cars on Ebay, or reading history books, or other novels, (if risqué it was OK because 'he' was reading it),eating or complaining about all his woes and ailments, (yawn yawn).

I later learnt towards the end, that as I had always suspected, he was drinking alone a lot more than he ever let on, and I suspect doing other drugs too, he would also listen to music when he wasn't with me, and watch movies when he was staying in his elderly parents shed-room. Yet he would refuse to watch movies with me, and often prevented me from watching them too, starting fights, or ripping my plugs out of the wall.

So yes, boring it was. Ironically it was he who frequently complained about being 'bored' being with me. Later he kept asking me if I was bored being with him?

I wanted to scream YES, YES, YES. But didn't, no point trying to resolve anything.

Well, thanks for letting me share.

Roller

Wow... . we must have dated the same woman. I found that after a while, we just didn't have anything to talk about. She was boring as hell. She had no hobbies (except infantilizing her daughter) and she watched reality TV continuously. I just found we could never have any "deep" discussions about things or anything for that matter because she never had anything to say. She was so unhappy with herself and the world she had created for herself... . and of course her discontentment was my fault. I wasn't meeting all of her needs (emotionally and financially). It just became too tiring and draining. Truth is she never really "knew" me... . oh she knew what she needed to do to set me off or manipulate me to get something she wanted, but had no idea who I really was. If truth be told, I had no idea who she was either. The person she "sold" herself to be is not who she actually turned out to be. I probably would have had more luck dating Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny.

This is exactly what my T told me about my uBPDx (he saw her for two sessions after the first joint session).


I knew and know mine better than anyone in the world. The trouble is that she tried to become what she needed to be to be a more mature women (kids, home, "wife", but then cycled back to the emotional teenager, because that's more emotionally safe, familiar, and not challenging.

I am with you both. About a year into our r/s she had started to rebuild a circle of friends (she had spit a bunch before). When she spit me then, I remember grieving the loss of that group of friends terribly. We recycled, and a year later we were at a dinner party and I remember thinking "how did I ever find these people interesting." They were shallow and ignorant. Most were professionals but very "small-town minded." (gosh that sounds cruel, sorry)

My ex is a professor at a college (would be jr. college in States). But seemed incapable to have any deep conversations.

As I get out of the FOG, I realize we never did one thing that derived from my interests. I spent so much time learning to appreciate and live with hers. Sheesh!



We both agreed that our most fun was dancing and vacations by the beach. Those were the two things she wanted most in a partner. My replacement doesn't dance and has a phobia of water.

I dated Santa. He's got the Easter Bunny

Blissful and mutt ... . Thank you x lightbulb moment for me. I am exactly the same. A peacekeeper. That's why I stayed with my bipolar exh for 23 years. This is much the same as rescuer and co dependent due to my Christian upbringing, that the relationship is more important than the self. I might explore the other board too. Thank you 

Yep.  My ex seemed more interested in events in my life (recent ones), than who I am as a person.  Superficial.  He didn't know anything about me that dug below the surface. Never took a photo of me even with a cellphone. Right before I moved, I realized this man doesn't really know me like my friends do, and he doesn't want to know me like my friends do.  I had more emotionally intimate conversations with platonic friends than I did with him.  Same here - the person he sold himself to be (interests, values, etc) was not who he actually was. 

There has got to be something up with this ... . a reason... My ex didn't  point a camera at me either EVER... It's very strange especially when you hear about them posting replacements on facebook... Maybe it's a male BPD thing?

blissful_camper... .

Yep... . Bored and burned out after so much of going over and over and over and over the same issues day in and day out and day in and day... . oh... . you get the idea... . right?

You may feel ashamed that this crept into your thought process and you may even feel a little disturbed that you are feeling callous about your loved one over this, but realize this... . that facing the same NEVER changing attitude that you dealt with was frustrating and limiting in approaching how do deal with these things that it's no wonder any of us never caught on and said "Enough... . I'm outta here!" Except to say that we are all so exhausted by this madness that we can't see the cows for the dung in the pasture and only put up with the stink of it all because we really can't smell it because we are so accustomed to it.

Knowing I fell for this and lived for so long and so numb to any real emotional attachment to her because I had to save what little sanity I had left just to do the left overs (a job, fixing the house, raising the kids... . yea, the leftovers because her emotional well being is the ONLY thing that matters at EVERY given moment) that I felt little attachment and love for her when all is said and done.

Now that I've seen this for what is and what it has done to us, I've got a new found appreciation for what I need to do to keep me healthy and wise to the madness going on around me. With this new outlook, I can move on. And hopefully, out and on to someone else who may think I might really be something special and awesome and not the doormat for the cow dung I currently am.

blissful_camper... . So... . Long way of saying... . Don't for another second feel badly that so much effort was wasted on this. Move on and enjoy the rest of what you've got left. There is something better than this numbness (or should I say... . dumbness!)

Thanks... . GopherAgent

We've talked about this before elsewhere on the board.  Yeah, what is up with this?  Months into the relationship he was over here and looking at some photos of me.  I said "you can have one if you want".  He said "no, that's OK."  I thought that was bizarre.  Then around Christmas he suddenly took some photos of me.  All I can think is that one of his friends from out of town wanted to see what I look like (lots of people coming home for holidays).  He had no photos of me and so had to suddenly take some.  His friend/s must have found that odd too.

Still has no photos of me on his laptop, pc, phone, nothing printed.

 

I don't know. 

My ex really couldn't express his emotions, and he didn't like others knowing how he felt. 

Possible reasons?

1. Perhaps he didn't like me enough to have a photograph of me. 

2. Perhaps in making a photograph that revealed emotion that he was uncomfortable revealing. 

3. Perhaps it was a form of withholding because he didn't want me feeling I was important enough to him for him to photograph me. 

Who knows.  I do know one thing though.  He didn't want me feeling too good about myself. My guess is the reason was #3.

I have felt ALL those feelings... I was leaning more towards #1 and #3... I'm just shocked at how they all do the same thing... it's so sad

Someone mentioned the TV thing.  Admit this drove me nuts.  It was on constantly.  Background noise.  Now I loved to snuggle up and watch a movie.  Or laugh with him at a good sitcom.  Never watch TV at home... . too many other things I need/want to do.  But seriously.  The damned thing was never off. 

My ex was the opposite. But he's a professional photographer. Always took photos of me. He was obsessed with it. I feel like I was in some movie being played out. I have hundreds af beautiful pics like he wanted to document our time together. He posted lots on FB. Probably to show off. He said on numerous occasions he had raised the bar being with me, and when we were out he loved people seeing he was with me the most gorgeous woman in the room. He took me to meet his relatives, again to show his own worth to be with me. I loved how much he desired me, but it was probably all to do with his self esteem. His last gf was unattractive he told me and showed me photos. He was very much into physical appearance. Always commenting on other people's appearance. I thought it may have been his photographic eye. Who knows I was flattered among other things. He made me feel beautiful.

I was never bored with my ex partner.  I was content to just hang out and just be together if thats all we were doing. I found his company interesting most of the time.  I used to worry if he was bored with me though. He stopped being interested in going out like we used to and slept alot .  I think this may have been something to do with his drinking and his age.

My ex's house felt sterile.  You couldn't really get a sense of who he was, or his personality. His photo albums contained no photographs of his ex wife or any former partners. There were hardly any photos of him except for family photos (kids, parents, siblings).  And the bulk of those photos were stored in his basement, with only a few photos in living areas of the house.  

GopherAgent, thanks for this.  I spent so much time caring during the r/s, and afterward worrying about him, that there's nothing left in me to give to him. 

I care about people, I care about my ex-partners, but strangely not this one, not this time.  It's a little alarming because that's not my way.  Today I'd be lying if I said that I cared about what happens to him.  I don't. 

I don't care if he's happy, sad, or falls off of the planet.  I'm not saying that out of anger.  I feel that I cared too much for someone who has little (or no) compassion for others, and has enough awareness about himself to know that he has issues requiring professional help.  He chooses to not seek help.  How can I feel badly for someone who admits he needs help, but doesn't seek it, instead choosing to continue deceiving and hurting others?   

That's how I'm feeling and maybe that will soften with time.  I don't hate him for what he did, but at the same time I don't like him as a person.  I feel that I got a glimpse of the worst side of human nature, and it changed me. 

If he contacted me with a problem I wouldn't help him.  That's not like me, not at all.  It's not like me to turn other's away who have a problem and ask for help.  That's what has changed about me.  As a result of my experiences in the r/s, I feel as though I will always be leery of anyone who asks me for help.   That's sad.  I'm the one who made everybody feel okay, and like everything would be okay.  I can't do that anymore.