Did anyone else feel bored with their BPD partner?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I know that question may sound pretty awful.  The reason I ask is there were times throughout the relationship, and particularly toward the end of the r/s, where I felt this.  I became so exhausted by my ex's issues -- his drama, negativity, self centeredness, the circular conversations that went nowhere, the sensation of being stuck or in limbo with him, that the interaction was frankly boring. I feel badly for saying this, because his issues are serious ones, but that's honestly how I felt at times.  I felt that today, strongly, as I reflected on the r/s.

I was wondering if anyone else felt that way.  Is there something wrong with me for feeling that way? 

[blissful_camper]

I know that question may sound pretty awful.  The reason I ask is there were times throughout the relationship, and particularly toward the end of the r/s, where I felt this.  I became so exhausted by my ex's issues -- his drama, negativity, self centeredness, the circular conversations that went nowhere, the sensation of being stuck or in limbo with him, that the interaction was frankly boring. I feel badly for saying this, because his issues are serious ones, but that's honestly how I felt at times.  I felt that today, strongly, as I reflected on the r/s.

I was wondering if anyone else felt that way.  Is there something wrong with me for feeling that way? 

[Banshee]

I was wondering if anyone else felt that way.  Is there something wrong with me for feeling that way?

I understand this very well it's what would make me leave... like it's squeezing the life out of me  oh so slowly too.

My ex would kinda hang his down and shake it ... I would instantly freeze and scream in my mind please please please don't start this.

The way you had to be at such strict attention for long talks of absolutley nothing... don't look away ... don't interrupt ... don't agree but then don't disagree either...

I couldn't stand it when he would make a fist and put it on his stomach and say I GOT TO SAY THIS ... IT'S GOT TO COME OUT NOW... I knew then I was in for a doozy. By the time he was done I was either out the door ... mouth hurting from clenching my teeth or having to sit on my hands to keep myself from snatching the hair right out of my head.

[bunnyrabit]

Now that you mention it, yeah totally and for exactly the same reasons you sum up there.

[froggy]

not sure if it's boredom or being emotionally burned out.

So much time controlling our own emotions and trying not to set them off... . years... decades of it = emotional burn out.

[AwakenedOne]

not sure if it's boredom or being emotionally burned out.

So much time controlling our own emotions and trying not to set them off... . years... decades of it = emotional burn out.

My answer is the same as froggy's -> emotional burn out. To much chaos happening to consider anything boring with my ex.

[Jb101]

Yeah, though it took the last breakup for me to see it, before that I was on the roller coaster and at my wits end.

Then I came around one night while we were trying to work it out, she ignored my like usual and played with her dogs, constantly telling them she loved them. We had dinner, if it wasn't taking about her whatever is said was crap and reflected I wasn't good enough for her. Anything new I liked she belittled etc. either everything was about her little part of the world or it was useless, and I remember thinking wow this is insanely boring, she hates everything but herself...

[blissful_camper]

I was definitely emotionally burned out. I felt like I was running on empty throughout most of the r/s.  :)rained.  I dunno, maybe I was beginning to detach from the r/s during the r/s.  I just remember stepping back during his silent treatment or in the middle of him manufacturing chaos, and thinking to myself that there's more to life than this.  There are so many positive things that stimulate me.  The negative that he put out there almost non stop didn't stimulate me, it got old.  

[blissful_camper]

Anything new I liked she belittled etc. either everything was about her little part of the world or it was useless, and I remember thinking wow this is insanely boring, she hates everything but herself...

Exactly.

[calpenna]

Yes. In my experience I felt the emotional burnout some of you mentioned. Also, his perpetual unhappiness, down in the dumps mentality, being a victim of the world, selfish mindedness was both draining and boring. I'm a happy person... . let's just be happy!

[Trent]

+1 emotional burnout.  What I would have given for one solid week of stability... .

... . and just as I typed that out, I had a vision of a stable, loving relationship and I could hear my heart screaming "YESSS!"   While a "normal" relationship might be more boring than a BPD relationship, I know will be much more contented.   

[BacknthSaddle]

It was a combination of emotional burnout and boredom. There was a lot of emotional discussion, but without any substance or content, if that makes sense. I would have killed to just have a normal conversation about ideas or events or SOMETHING other than emotions and sex and drama. The relationship was "boring" in the sense that it was not intellectually stimulating in any way. It was unadulterated emotion, which led to emotional burnout.

It is very important to note that "chaos" is not the opposite of boredom. Chaos can, in fact, be decidedly boring.

[mywifecrazy]

Yes, I hate to say it but my uBPDxw bored the hell out of me. She was no fun at all. Non inspiring! She had no interests or hobbies. I on the other hand had many interests and hobbies. I guess when your only  desire is using other people to make yourself feel good doesn't leave room for anything else.  I remember telling her that I never felt motivated to write any songs about her (I play guitar) and I remember thinking to myself it's because she doesn't inspire me me in anyway. At the end I remember telling her that I never felt like a loving partner with her but I was made to feel,like I was her Dad. I'm glad to be finally out of that role!

[blissful_camper]

I like peace and harmony, calm, quiet, solitude.  I live in an area that fosters that.  Yet I've found myself in relationships where my partners like it running "hot."  By that I mean chaos, drama, and upheaval.  

Initially, on the surface, they appear to enjoy peace and harmony as I do.  But as time marches forward, I find myself at the receiving end of a partner who is attempting to work through old baggage through the r/s.  There's the acting out and creating chaos, and when the issue is discussed, playing victim (I'm to feel sorry for them because of x,y,z) and pretty soon I'm in the position of trying to restore harmony and stability.  I become the peacekeeper.  That's where my energy goes in relationships. I've selected partners whose behavior undermines my lifestyle. The last r/s was rock bottom for me, and choosing to stay in it was one of the worst choices I've ever made.

The question is, why didn't I walk away at that moment when I saw that my ex and I weren't compatible?  :)rama is boring to me.  Chaos is boring.  Those things turn me off.  In friendships I steer clear of people who try to bring that to the table, and yet in romantic relationships I tolerate it even when I see the writing on the wall.

[Mutt]

The question is, why didn't I walk away at that moment when I saw that my ex and I weren't compatible?  :)rama is boring to me.  Chaos is boring.  Those things turn me off.  In friendships I steer clear of people who try to bring that to the table, and yet in romantic relationships I tolerate it even when I see the writing on the wall.

I look at the beginning of the r/s with ex. The end of the r/s was immense chaos, but it was quite the opposite in the beginning. I was being knocked off the pedestal at the end, it was a long way down.

There was no polarizing dynamic in the beginning. What attracted me to being put on a pedestal is the question that I needed to ask myself.

[blissful_camper]

The question is, why didn't I walk away at that moment when I saw that my ex and I weren't compatible?  Drama is boring to me.  Chaos is boring.  Those things turn me off.  In friendships I steer clear of people who try to bring that to the table, and yet in romantic relationships I tolerate it even when I see the writing on the wall.

I look at the beginning of the r/s with ex. The end of the r/s was immense chaos, but it was quite the opposite in the beginning. I was being knocked off the pedestal at the end, it was a long way down.

There was no polarizing dynamic in the beginning. What attracted me to being put on a pedestal is the question that I needed to ask myself.

At the beginning of my r/s I was mostly placed on a pedestal, but even then there was some subtle devaluation.  I wasn't comfortable with him elevating me like that, and at the time I was able to identify the devaluation.   

Looking back, at about the one-month mark, it was as though he was grooming me, alternating between devaluation and putting me on that pedestal, to condition me to be thankful for the crumbs he would throw me later in the r/s. 

[Mutt]

At the beginning of my r/s I was mostly placed on a pedestal, but even then there was some subtle devaluation.  I wasn't comfortable with him elevating me like that, and at the time I was able to identify the devaluation.  

Looking back, at about the one-month mark, it was as though he was grooming me, alternating between devaluation and putting me on that pedestal, to condition me to be thankful for the crumbs he would throw me later in the r/s.

I can understand this, I saw the other side of her on a phone conversation before we started dating. I triggered her fear of abandonment because I stood her up on a date. She was yelling and screaming on the call, disproportionate anger. The same personality that I'm dealing with constantly now, 7 years later. An alarm went off   "there's something really wrong here" and I ignored my intuition.

I went through our articles, listened to other members and identified that I'm codependent. It was the validation that I needed from my ex due to my FOO issues. I ignored the warning signs due to my traits, that's what I brought to the table in our r/s.

[blissful_camper]

At the beginning of my r/s I was mostly placed on a pedestal, but even then there was some subtle devaluation.  I wasn't comfortable with him elevating me like that, and at the time I was able to identify the devaluation.  

Looking back, at about the one-month mark, it was as though he was grooming me, alternating between devaluation and putting me on that pedestal, to condition me to be thankful for the crumbs he would throw me later in the r/s.

I can understand this, I saw the other side of her on a phone conversation before we started dating. I triggered her fear of abandonment because I stood her up on a date. She was yelling and screaming on the call, disproportionate anger. The same personality that I'm dealing with constantly now, 7 years later. An alarm went off   "there's something really wrong here" and I ignored my intuition.

I went through our articles, listened to other members and identified that I'm codependent. It was the validation that I needed from my ex due to my FOO issues. I ignored the warning signs due to my traits, that's what I brought to the table in our r/s.

Thanks for that insight.  Since I was the peacekeeper (the one trying to restore balance) I have to wonder if I'm playing the role that my mother did in my FOO.  I found myself wanting validation from my ex when he mistreated me.  But I'm not someone who *needs* validation from others to maintain my sense of wellbeing.  I guess my question is, is my codependency rooted in peacekeeping?  Does that even make sense? 

[Mutt]

Thanks for that insight.  Since I was the peacekeeper (the one trying to restore balance) I have to wonder if I'm playing the role that my mother did in my FOO.  I found myself wanting validation from my ex when he mistreated me.  But I'm not someone who *needs* validation from others to maintain my sense of wellbeing.  I guess my question is, is my codependency rooted in peacekeeping?  :)oes that even make sense?  

That is very good insight and a valid question. I was on the leaving board, but was seeking answers about myself in the context of why I got attracted to a BP. What are issues and why I stayed in a toxic r/s. I would post on different boards. I didn't want to fall into the rabbit hole again with another PD. I wanted to identify my negative personality traits and learn from this painful experience, I wanted answers.  

I think that it makes sense. Do you think it's something worth exploring and re-posting / re-directing this post on PI? Taking Personal Inventory Board

[Cmjo]

I know that question may sound pretty awful.  The reason I ask is there were times throughout the relationship, and particularly toward the end of the r/s, where I felt this.  I became so exhausted by my ex's issues -- his drama, negativity, self centeredness, the circular conversations that went nowhere, the sensation of being stuck or in limbo with him, that the interaction was frankly boring. I feel badly for saying this, because his issues are serious ones, but that's honestly how I felt at times.  I felt that today, strongly, as I reflected on the r/s.

I was wondering if anyone else felt that way.  Is there something wrong with me for feeling that way? 

Yes After years of being together I would know when the brick wall was going up... . there were long journeys in the car say two hours or more without a word spoken, because my attempts at conversation went nowhere, OK Im not a chatterbox but he didnt seem to be able to express an opinion on anything, unless it was a black and white knee jerk reaction. He couldnt really hold a conversation with anyone, didnt have close friends, it made me feel cut off, I knew we were missing out on life... . everything had a negative edge put on it, and even his unpredictable reactions became predictable, when I saw that look in his eye I knew here we go again, now he's going to explode and wont talk to me for a week... . yawn.

[blissful_camper]

Thanks for that insight.  Since I was the peacekeeper (the one trying to restore balance) I have to wonder if I'm playing the role that my mother did in my FOO.  I found myself wanting validation from my ex when he mistreated me.  But I'm not someone who *needs* validation from others to maintain my sense of wellbeing.  I guess my question is, is my codependency rooted in peacekeeping?  :)oes that even make sense?  

That is very good insight and a valid question. I was on the leaving board, but was seeking answers about myself in the context of why I got attracted to a BP. What are issues and why I stayed in a toxic r/s. I would post on different boards. I didn't want to fall into the rabbit hole again with another PD. I wanted to identify my negative personality traits and learn from this painful experience, I wanted answers.  

I think that it makes sense. Do you think it's something worth exploring and re-posting / re-directing this post on PI? Taking Personal Inventory Board

Thank you!  Yes, I think I've zeroed in on a "why" that I should explore further. Yes, I'd like to redirect this post on the PI board.  Should I begin a new thread there? 

[Turkish]

It was a combination of emotional burnout and boredom. There was a lot of emotional discussion, but without any substance or content, if that makes sense. I would have killed to just have a normal conversation about ideas or events or SOMETHING other than emotions and sex and drama. The relationship was "boring" in the sense that it was not intellectually stimulating in any way. It was unadulterated emotion, which led to emotional burnout.

This was it for me, too. We'd sometimes talk about interesting things, then she would bury herself in some fashion mag. My T got to know her a little,.and me really well since I didn't abandon therapy. He finally told me that we were just not a good match and to pick someone my own level next time. He also said, "find someone your own age." I think he was talking about more than just the years.

In the beginning when we were first dating, I had this feeling like she had attached herself to me as more an accessory. Very waifish. I still stayed, even though I kept thinking "why am I with this woman?"

[Mutt]

Thanks for that insight.  Since I was the peacekeeper (the one trying to restore balance) I have to wonder if I'm playing the role that my mother did in my FOO.  I found myself wanting validation from my ex when he mistreated me.  But I'm not someone who *needs* validation from others to maintain my sense of wellbeing.  I guess my question is, is my codependency rooted in peacekeeping?  :)oes that even make sense?  

That is very good insight and a valid question. I was on the leaving board, but was seeking answers about myself in the context of why I got attracted to a BP. What are issues and why I stayed in a toxic r/s. I would post on different boards. I didn't want to fall into the rabbit hole again with another PD. I wanted to identify my negative personality traits and learn from this painful experience, I wanted answers.  

I think that it makes sense. Do you think it's something worth exploring and re-posting / re-directing this post on PI? Taking Personal Inventory Board

Thank you!  Yes, I think I've zeroed in on a "why" that I should explore further. Yes, I'd like to redirect this post on the PI board.  Should I begin a new thread there? 

Yes create a new thread.    I hope you find answers 

[rougeetnoir]

I felt emotionally exhausted and unconsciously and then consciously started detaching once my partner broke her promise to get therapy. We'd try to have conversations about the things we once talked about (we were and are really well matched in terms of personality, interests, etc), but I just didn't care.  I knew I was depressed and I knew I was withdrawing.  I had had several "come to jesus" talks with her and all were met with the predictable behaviors.

Bored?  Emotionally exhausted? Depressed?  I just didn't care what she was talking about because I knew it led to the same place.  I just slept a lot by the end.

[Perdita]

not sure if it's boredom or being emotionally burned out.

So much time controlling our own emotions and trying not to set them off... . years... decades of it = emotional burn out.

Going through that now.  Not saying what's on my mind anymore.  Not even about small things in general.  I feel I am never heard and always walking on egg shells anyway.  I use to listen to his every word.  Now I find my mind drifting off when he's talking.  Not all the time, but enough for me to feel sad about it.  So much of my love for him has died. 

[Lion Fire]

More exhaustion than boredom for me ... .

If it wasn't her constant and ever changing health problems, her eating disorder, all kinds of triggers, her discontentment with life, lack of direction, money problems... . it was something else.

It would ALWAYS end up being about "us" being the main source of her problems and then it would be narrowed down to me not meeting her needs.

Damn it was tiring. I'm still catching up on sleep 

Zzz

[Banshee]

If it wasn't her constant and ever changing health problems,

The health problem stuff  something was always wrong ,hurting not feeling right with him... it made me think of older people that complained so much and in so much detail... I would catch myself wanting to take a deep breath but I did very sly like so he wouldn't notice... sure is funny he didn't seem bothered at all when he was around other people... once they were gone  the "Face" would come back. bleh

[thinkingthinking]

When we had been married about 2 years, I can remember my mom saying "I think you are going to outgrow him".  Even though somewhere inside I knew she was right, I was instantly defending him.  But that was more difficult to do as time went on.  While I finished college and started a career,  raised 3 kids, and tried to keep the peace,  he remained in the same place emotionally. His idea of a fun evening is still "partying" 20+ years later.

So maybe boredom in the sense that the issues just repeated over and over, and we did not grow together in interests or anything else.  Exasperation and exhaustion from feeling like the only reliable adult/parent for a very long time.

[Emelie Emelie]

YES on the health thing.  There was always something physically wrong.  Something that hurt.  Is this common?  

And yes I got bored sometimes.  When he was going on and on about how somebody was an a$$hole or his work.  If I was speaking he would constantly interrupt me.  Constantly.  Change the subject back to him.  The reason I finally noticed it was he accused me of always interrupting him.  So I tried to be very conscious of that.  That's when I realized it.  He wasn't very interested in what I had to say.

[Mutt]

YES on the health thing.  There was always something physically wrong.  Something that hurt.  Is this common?  

This quote is written as she in context, but change to he.

The world ails her. Physical complaints are common. Her back hurts. Her head aches. Peculiar pains of all sorts come and go like invisible, malignant companions. If you track their appearance, though, you may see a pattern of occurrence connected to the waning or waxing of your attentions. Her complaints are ways of saying, "don't leave me. Save me!" And Her maladies are not simply physical. Her feelings ail her too.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

[Narellan]

I wasn't bored. But my relationship was only 4 months. And it was pure excitement and awakening for me in every way possible. But it was constant drama and chaos too, and I liked the adrenaline the whole thing was like one big trip. Very very unhealthy when I look back. My ex told me toward the end he was bored having sex with me in my bed, he needed variety. This makes me laugh now, because only 50% of the sex was in my bed. And it was never boring to me.