BPDFamily.com

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Hi Jonie. I agree with your take on this. I see my exBPD in the same light. Often over nothing he would just back off and go silent. Usually for a week or two. Once I broke the silence and text him " I understand you don't want to talk to me. I just want to let you know I had a great time with you. Take care" he instantly rang me and said " stop thinking so much. Everything's fine. Do you want to go out tonight" and we went on as though nothing had happened. 

My exBPD panics and runs as soon as we get too emotionally intense. It's the push pull cycle. I believe he goes into " flight" mode when he feels overwhelmed emotionally. Then I get nothing. NC. Silent treatment.

It's over with him now. This time we agreed to be friends and then he's given me silent treatment for 3 months. I found out he was pursuing my friend behind my back and trying to hook up with her. I've been through 3 months of hell dealing with this. It's been devastating.

Last week he came to my door. I wasn't home and he hasn't attempted to contact me again. But for me it's over. The silent treatment is psychologically so

Damaging. ( not to mention trying to shag my best friend. Ex best friend now)

I do believe he's ashamed of himself and so he should be.

It's awful to not know whether you're in a relationship or not isn't it?

Peace 

Hi Jonie! Hi Narellan!

Jonie, I love how you wrote "(ex?)upwBPD". I'm currently at one months total silence from my dBPDexbf and I was often questioning early on whether he was my ex or not but I figured I would have to take that decision upon myself and I have. As you said, Narellan, "It's awful to not know whether you're in a relationship or not isn't it?" It is. It's destructive and totally infuriating so I had to decide. I was going nuts otherwise.

Thank you both so much for sharing your thoughts, I found them very interesting to read and gave me a lot to consider. It's nice to know I'm not alone. I've spent quite a lot of time pondering the possible reason behind my dose of the ST (admittedly my thoughts vary depending on what mood I am in but luckily you have caught me on a clear thinking reasonable day today lol)

I think the silence I am receiving is based on a few things in my case: I think it's primarily rooted in self defence and that this over the top reaction is because I do mean a lot to him, I have no doubt. I also think he feels ashamed (we ended up in this situation due to a fight over some lies he told). I do however think there is an element of punishment to this - he didn't like some of the things I said and wants to hurt me.

The last contact we had was when I messaged him suggesting we talk about things, his response to this was to block me from all social media and messaging devices. This is what I struggle with the most. To my non BPD mind to block someone is taking things to a whole other level, it sends out a very aggressive message (although through my reading I have discovered this is very common behaviour for pwBPD)

I have moments when I consider reaching out and sending him a message but then I remember he has actively blocked me from possible channels of communication and that screams "I DO NOT want to hear from you" so I have left him be and just carried on with my life. I'm just working on getting my mind to fully accept that it's over. Silent treatment by it's "unfinished business" and uncertain nature makes this quite difficult!

BR xx

Hi thanks for your replies!

Narellan, ai! that must have been so painful, knowing he tried to hook up with your friend! That’s really devastating!

Yes, it’s very hard not to know where you stand, and this silent treatment is very damaging. We’ve been together for 6 years, with lots of BPS-stuff going on, but I could deal with all of that, that didn’t get to me. This silencing does. It’s so unfair and unnecessary. It would have made all the difference if he would have simply said sorry. 

I too am struggling with silent treatment from my exBPDgf. It is by far the most difficult element to deal with. No communication of any kind and being treated like some invisible spectre is just cruel. I still have thousands of photographs on my phone of the two of us, some as recent as one month ago on an epic trip together. Laughing, smiling, cuddling. How do you go from that to being invisible. It's so hard to grasp.

I don't know if it's shame, guilt, pride, cowardice, ego, anger, hatred, resentment, avoidance. Is it something I did? Is it something she did? I will never inflict the silent treatment on someone because it is mentally and spiritually cruel, especially when it comes from someone you love and wanted to spend your life with. It's been 16 days now which seems like nothing compared to the months of NC others have endured. Will she ever talk again? Is there anything I can do? Any trigger, magic word or memory I can invoke to open the channels if communication. Right now I only have assumptions on how she's feeling. Maybe she's waiting to hear from me or maybe she's hoping I crawl in a hole and die. Assumptions are a waste of time I suppose and cause my head to spin in circles which is why this silent treatment is awful.

The blocking on social media could very well be a passive aggressive message for punishment. It also however could be a privacy issue -- meaning that he doesn't want you to see his comnu ications with others.

Post breakup, after about 10 months the ex and I were communicating and beginning talks of reconciliation. Some time after her swearing she wanted to be together again her facebook account was disabled. I didn't bring it up for a while as to not cause any issues, and I thought perhaps she was trying to avoid communicating with another ex of hers whom she accused of stalking. After a couple of weeks her account was back online and I waited a while then sent her a nice message. She completely ignored it although I know she saw it immediately. My thoughts now on this have changed. I don't think she disabled her account, rather I believe she blocked me for a while and then later unblocked me, possibly to hide her communications with other men while she was stringing me along saying she wanted to reconcile. After cleaning things up she'd unblock me. I'll never know the whole truth but at the same time I'm no fool :)

I struggled through 9 months of silent treatment.  It is horrible and destroying.  After silent treatment ended, I asked for a reason.  What made it possible for her to throw away 3 years in an instant.  She said, I can't explain it.  It was just too hard for me to face you.  She never apologized and got angry when I raised the topic again.  She said it was too painful to discuss and that I was calling her an awful person.  I never called her anything.  I told her that I needed to understand how she could dismiss 3 years of friendship in blink of an eye without any explanation.  And she just kept saying that she couldn't explain it.  I also thought that she wanted me dead. I mentioned that to her after SC was ended.  She said she never wished that.  

The only thing that prompted her to break SC was that she had hit rock bottom with another person, and I was being recycled.  I only now know this in hind sight.  

I don't believe SC has anything to do with the nons behavior.  If the pwBPD feels risk of abandonment or finds someone else to idealize, SC is a means to get out without confrontation.  It also usually leaves door open for the pwBPD to come back on their terms, to someone who has been waiting for them to come back.

B&B, it makes sense that she said she can't explain it. In order to do so, she must be able to stand back and reflect on her emotions and actions - which is exactly what BPD's are incapable of doing. If she would have that capacity, she probably wouldn't have made you suffer like this. Any 'normal' person would understand how intolerable that is for a partner and explain or apologise for keeping some distance. Sadly, their own inner life is so overwhelming that they can't see past that.

Are you back together again?

Quote"•   I don’t want to give him the opportunity to be the victim here; he always complains that people leave him, while it is he who is pushing people away. I want it to be obvious that it is his choice"

It doesn't matter what you do Jonie he will be the victim. You don't have to have done anything. It doesn't matter how good you are to him, he will still turn on you. It's a coping mechanism. They don't want confrontation and they instinctively have to run. Whether you've done anything wrong or not, in his eyes he will find a reason to paint you black to cope with feelings of shame.

JBB  quote " it was too painful to face you" this sums it up perfectly.

Jonie you say even with all the reasons you give for staying you know it's not going anywhere.

This is a difficult place to be in, how long do we sit around stuck not going back but not moving forward? This is very damaging.

Peace to all you guys. 

Hi LostGhost 


Same. I have some amazing photos from 5 weeks ago of us laughing our a$$es off at something stupid. I took them off my phone and downloaded them to my computer. It stops me constantly looking at them. Maybe you could do the same? I wish I had answers to your questions, I think your questions are exactly what we are all struggling to answer right now.

Hi Goldylamont! 


Oh yes, i think it sends a very passive aggressive indeed! Bizarrely he's left a a couple of my family members on there so if I wanted to snoop I could. Truth is I have no intention of doing that such is my commitment to moving forward. It really makes no difference what he is doing.


Hi JackBlacknBlue 


Spot on. Absolutely!

Hi Jonie 


My dBPDexbf has been on the receiving end of the silent treatment from his father for approx. 2 years now. It kills him, I know it tears him to pieces inside. He sends messages which are read and ignored and it causes him agonising pain and yet he feels it acceptable to dish out the same behaviour!

I agree with Narellan.  He will always make himself out to be the victim irrespective of what you do.  

My pwBPD has always been victim.

her ex-husband- she claims she was only one that worked on relationship, he never did.  He is subsequently in therapy and an emotional wreck from the relationship

her best friend - it is his fault that he hasn't stayed in contact with her as much as he used to, despite changing jobs and having a brand new baby.  He's not making time for her.  (she had him in silent treatment during this)

another friend - it is the friend's fault.  BTW, the friend's husband was facing stage 4 cancer.  My pwBPD was upset at being deprioritized.

children of the man she is having an affair with - she said that she feels victim because the kids will never have benefit of getting to know her as a mother figure because he refuses to leave his wife.  (in my head I thought thank goodness!)

me - after silent treatment, I should be more sympathetic to her situation. She felt like the victim of her own feelings, not being able to face me.  When I asked for apology, and I asked directly several times, she never could apologize - just kept saying she couldn't explain and imagine how she felt.  

I think pwBPD feel perpetually the victim - of their circumstances and of their feelings.

Hi guys, o yes, I know, he is hiding behind all kinds of false accusations and delusions on me. He is living in another reality - that's why I never asked him any questions on why he did certain things, as I knew I would never get any real answer. He will also be painting a distorted picture of me, no doubt, I'm fully aware of that.

But this is one of the more childish reasons for not ending things myself: it sometimes feels as if he is almost begging me to end it, to ease his conscience, and I refuse to play along with that game.

I got lots of silent treatment from an uPAPD xSO (passive-aggressive personality disorder). It began with days, then weeks and the turned into months (almost a year of it).

Of course he wasnt BPD, but I still believe people use ST for a reason: control and manipulation. Our first instinct is to reach out, to apologize and make them feel better. So, we were abused and we apologize! My xSO never apologized, he just resumed contact as if nothing had happened. Last time I told him I was done, we could communicate but the boat had sailed for me. Long story short, he played the victim, never assumed he was trying to get his way through ST... .

I let him know my mind: ST is a control/ manipulative tool, you are grounding me like Supernanny and Im an adult, so this is disresoectful and you should know better, you have zero emotional inteligence, etc.

Surprisingly, he didnt give me ST again, cause I told him I didnt care and I hadnt reached out the last time... . But he uses it with EVERYBODY around him. When hes displeased, he uses it (with family and co-workers). In my experience, there´s no shame in it, its just a way to make people behave the way he wants.

I can say Im an expert in ST myself, thats what brought me to this forum, but he´s not BPD, although I feel this has a lot to do with ego, narcisism and narcisistic injury.

wow. few people have the fortitude and attitude you have to (a) spell it out plainly to the person that you know what they are doing, and (b) that you are not bothered about what they think about it. you're just letting them know that you know that they know :) and, that they can do it to you if they want, but honestly, it's not going to work.

coming to these realizations about our SO's motivations is really eye opening. once i was able to some understanding and call out my ex for her behaviors they stopped abruptly--and let me know she understood fully what she was up to.

i would urge others to always consider this if you believe your SO is unable or incapable of understanding their actions and the effects they have on you. a lack of empathy doesn't necessarily mean someone doesn't understand how you feel, it can mean that they simply don't care... .

Goldylamont, thank you for your words. To be very clear, it didnt happen overnight, I was subjected to it for over 7 years and at first I was so confused, reached out, apologized, etc... The typical people-pleaser behaviour. It just got worse (longer periods of silent treatment).

At some point I told him that he coldnt hurt a corpse, cause that was what I had become, he "over-used" his punishment. I was really fed up and I called him on his bluff (I think he also used ST to test my limits and see how far he could go). He is a good person and has a lot of qualities, but honestly, this ST behaviour seems quite sadistic to me.

I believe he lacks empathy, or he just feels superior and entitle to punish people.

I cant say our r/s improved after that. We communicate, but I established boundaries (I dont contact him at all, no phone calls or emails anymore). The boundaries were limits for me to not be hurt, but of course they are not supposed to change his behaviour.

Im not sure how this would work with a BPD. My uBPD relatives would probably rage when confronted with some truth, its not even possible to make them listen on how I feel (or others feel)... . They simply dont care. But I do believe ST has a lot to do with N traits, they feel a narcisistic injury and have to have their revenge... .

Wow ! Quote : " i would urge others to always consider this if you believe your SO is unable or incapable of understanding their actions and the effects they have on you. a lack of empathy doesn't necessarily mean someone doesn't understand how you feel, it can mean that they simply don't care... . "

This is something I don't want to see. If I acknowledged this, it would mean everything he said to me was a lie, and that would make me a fool. I'd prefer to think he has guilt and shame. I have seen that in him at times. I'd rather think he can't cope with his emotions. If he didn't care why would he keep coming back? There's plenty of fish in the sea... .

He doesn't always have someone in the wings. He's often on his own. He's not a womaniser. Had just 1 girlfriend in the past 5 years that was and still is a push pull relationship of course. He can't be with her either but stays friends with her. She lives thousands of miles away so it's long distance keeping in touch kind of thing.

He lives a few hundred metres from me so when he has that impulse to see me he drops by.

I'm coming to the conclusion that because I didn't contact him after he came around last week that he's let me go. I'm not on eggshells waiting for another drop in now. In fact I just saw him gardening at home and I felt peaceful that he's not bothering me in any way. Once you've made up your mind there's no going back silent treatment is good all round.

Holy cow batman ! Those are the exact words my ex would say.Unfortunately, I would have worked myself up to such a worry about what was wrong and about to happen that those words were calming and made me smile, they took the worry away... . for a minute, until my "non" mind would kick in and start waving the  red-flag's and then the gut feeling came back

As it happens, I ran into a FB-post yesterday: he held a party at his house, to celebrate a special occasion for a mutual friend. That already hurted, to know that even for this he hadn’t invited me, notified me. But what really slapped me in the face was to see that his ex-wife was there. The woman who abused him all these years, who stripped his house at their separation, who kept the children away from him and abused them, who set up friends and family against him… All the people there know, and still sit with her as if nothing happened. And none of them asks about me… none of them pulls on his sleeve on why he is treating me so disrespectfully. I know that, because even our ‘best’ mutual friends admitted they are afraid to raise any issue with him. It feels as if they are joining him in his silence treatment, which makes me very angry and upset. BPD’s may have an excuse for behaving so badly – they don’t!

It is so hurtful Janie. Your friends do have an excuse. They are afraid of him. They don't want to rock the boat so they'll stay out of it. Can you block him on FB? It's really better for your healing to not see what he's doing. He has history with his wife and they share kids so they are going to interact. It might not feel like it now but things will get easier for you. At the moment you're stuck not knowing where you stand. Why don't you make a decision on where you stand with him. Are you friends, lovers, together or apart. This is your decision just as much as his. X

Hi Narellan, I have to disagree with you: not wanting to interfere is not a valid excuse. These are ‘friends’ we met every week, for years. And when this ST began, they didn’t even want to ask “hey, why isn’t Jonie with us today?”. ST is abusive behaviour, and keeping silent about it means going along with it. I’m not saying they should blame him or take sides, but as mutual friends they could have done something. If you picture it as physical abuse - him kicking me while they stand by to watch, say and do nothing and have a drink with him afterwards – you’ll get my point.

For the rest…it’s complicated…. I lead my life as if we’re not together anymore, I don’t reach out to him anymore, but I find myself unable to cut the cord entirely…  If I would block/unfriend him on FB (and I would love to do that!) it would mean just that to him.

Btw, I don’t oppose to him having contact with his ex-wife, but believe that the intensity is wrong; it’s unhealthy for them, and damaging to his children, his family – and me.

Yes, I agree with you. My dBPDexbf is infallibly the victim of every single relationship in his life – friends, family, lovers, colleagues etc, in fact I have never known anyone to have such bad luck with the people in his life!  lol I absolutely think he feels that he is the victim in all of this and I actually envision him sitting there feeling quite sorry for himself about this whole SELF INFLICTED and UNNECESSARY situation. 

Hi Louise 


Yes! When I realised I had been removed and blocked my overwhelming first instinct was to drop him a panicked email asking what the heck was going on – you’re totally right! However  I didn’t, I just completely ignored it. I would rather chew my elbow off than feed into his behaviour.


You’re probably right again, my initial gut feeling when it happened was that the blocking was a move to try and evoke a response from me since I hadn’t given any further chase than the one message a few days prior requesting that we talk about the situation like adults. Funnily enough a few days after he blocked me he gave me a few other nudges in various ways as if to say “Hey! Blondie! I blocked you! Didn’t you see? Aren’t you raging mad?”. I also totally ignored those! The blocking also wasn’t consistent – I was blocked on some things (the most obvious things) but not others... . it’s ok, I took control and personally removed myself from the other things – at least do the job right!

Jonie – I totally understand if you don’t want to block him on Facebook or even defriend him but could you “unfollow” him? That means you are still friends but his stuff won’t pop up in your newsfeed. No good comes from seeing what they’re doing, it will just hurt you.

BR Quote"Hey! Blondie! I blocked you! Didn’t you see? Aren’t you raging mad? "

WOW  ! I can just hear my ex saying these exact words ! Blondie was his nickname for me and I too ignored when he defriended me... . I smiled when I read this :)

Hahahaha! It also helps if you imagine them yelling it while jumping up and down and waving their arms like children to try and get your attention!  lol

BR, following him on FB has it's advantages as well. At our last meeting he told me he had never expected to be without me, didn't want to loose me and agreed to be in closer contact in order to see if it was possible to reconnect. That was 2 months ago now... . So every weekend it has been at the back of my mind that he could invite me to meet, followed the nagging feeling 'Why doesn't he?'. By following him on FB I was able to see that he had all kinds of social obligations and work going on in the weekends, which put my mind a bit at rest. (no excuse, btw: he could have messaged me 'Sorry can't make it, how about next week?'

Other advantage: it enables me to check his stories, as he often makes up his own version of events

Ah I see, well you must do whatever works for you. In my situation I am very anti social media as I know I would get hurt to see things (even if there was nothing to be hurt about I know I would read it in such a way to upset myself!). My friend commented the other day how good I am when I said I hadn't once snooped on any of his stuff (and have never done so with any ex)... . to me it would almost be a form of self-harm. I do best when I have no contact at all.

I did the same Jonie. I watched what he was posting... . He was still posting photos of us together, kissing and cuddling several weeks after we had split. He was posting phrases I thought were meant for me. So one day I just deactivated my account. All the posting of me stopped. ( I saw through a mutual friends FB) he knew he no longer had my interest or attention so it all stopped. Then after a few weeks he unfriended my deactivated account lol, I still gave no response. And nothing further has been posted about me. :)

Hi BR, well, I’m not sure if this really works for me, I guess it’s the best of two bad options… 

Narellan, haha, that’s the opposite of my FB-situation! He befriended me, but made it very clear that he doesn’t want to be associated with me in any way, as he is ashamed of me. I wasn’t hurt by that, as I see it has to do with his poor self-image, but it’s not a pleasant situation. So my plan was to unfriend him after I had the chance to explain this to him, but as we don’t meet, I haven’t had that chance yet. When I unfriend him now, it will mean to him that it’s over between us. So I’m sort of stuck as long as I don’t want to do that. Maybe I should start posting pictures of us cuddling on his page now  lol

What do you mean he didn't want to be associated with you? Didn't he take you out places? How do you mean he was ashamed of you ?

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firstly, i've told the stories below before, but i feel it's kind of therapeutic for me to retell and i feel they can shed some light on the topic. long-story-alert!  


oh no, didn't happen overnight for me either. we were together 4 years and during the r/s i never suspected that she could be so aware of her passive aggressiveness. i definitely knew her to be "difficult" with a capital D, but i never thought of her as a liar, not at all. that's a deal breaker for me ladies! (<<this is a stupid quote from 30 rock, see link below). this all changed after i broke up with her--but while we still lived together (almost 2 months). i started noticing cracks in her stories, overheard her telling itty bitty lies to her mom on the phone... . got me thinking... . then it was like opening pandora's box. i saw so many things much clearer than before, it was devastating yet eye opening. and even after she moved out it still took me another 8 months or so with low contact to finally convince myself that she was completely untrustworthy and had a purposeful sadistic side to her. it wasn't just me at this point, i saw her effect on at least 4 other people, 2 of whom came to me (i was the last 'stable' bf of hers) over a year later, sitting in my living room shaking like they had hypothermia. i remember that shake! damn, she got to you too?

Louise7777 i consider myself a relatively aware individual. honestly i think the only people who wouldn't be blindsided by this type of behavior are, well basically what we are now--people who've already been blindsided by it before. learned the lesson. that's why it's impossible to explain and get other people to believe how convincing someone can be while at the same time being so calculating and cold--other people won't believe you on this, they feel like they would be smart enough to figure it out themselves. but they aren't. hell, we probably did also at some point  :)


oh ya, my ex over-used two of her techniques to keep me in line. one was where she would follow me around, instigating an argument, not letting it go. and the more reasonable and calm i became the more she would amp up her instigation. finally one day something clicked in me and i couldn't stop looking at her hand. why was she holding that phone? to record me? oh hell no--i figured it out right then and there. she had recorded at least 5 or six arguments of ours, probably more. she wanted to get a recording of me saying nasty things (to use against me?), but i was being a complete idiot about it by unknowingly staying calm, drawing boundaries, walking away from the argument. this pissed her off so she had to instigate more to try and make me fly off the handle. how sweet of her. i still find it unbelievable that she did this and that i was able to figure it out. i never would have figured it out if she didn't over-use it and try so hard to get me to blow up. so glad i called her out on this--she even played me stuff she had from weeks earlier, boy was i scared, but from what i heard none of it was too bad and i was actually proud of myself...

the most hurtful to me was when i figured out that she was faking ptsd just to punish (and laugh?) at me. i only caught it after she used it several times. she would start an argument, say hurtful things, wait for my reaction, then before i could finish what i was saying she'd start crying and shrink away from me. full on panic attack with shaking, then she'd scream "just go AWAY!" tears tears tears. me leaving, not having a say. me? scared as hell in my own home. devastated. thinking my anger had traumatized the woman i thought i loved. how could i be so irresponsible? how could i forget she had been raped? wow was i giving off a violent vibe? i was mad but i never meant to scare her... . i must have serious issues--NOPE! she was just punishing me. passive aggressive style. almost impossible to figure out. one day she kept coming at me, smiling telling me how great her new life was with her new bf. he's this. he's that. somehow i remain calm. then, that she feels so connected and comfortable with him. it's so odd exploring a new man's body. she knew their r/s which started 10 days previous (lasted less than 4 months) was going to be long term because she knew she could trust him soo much--that threw me over the edge, for years she swore i was untrustworthy after all i had done for her. i reacted verbally. she does her crying/ptsd ditty, screams in agony for me to go. i don't know what came over me, all i can say was that i was very very calm. i didn't go, not this time. i was washing dishes at the time. i remembered someone telling me that if you are ever in a room with someone you feel is threatening, to always be closer to the exit door than them. so, i calmly walked past her to make sure she could leave and that i wasn't blocking her exit. i had a theory to test. then i said something to the nature of "i'm not going anywhere. in fact, you can kiss my arse. if you're afraid of me then YOU go. i was washing dishes and you just want to provoke me and make me jealous." Immediately she stops crying, straightens up, cops a haughty attitude and i swear she chuckled as she wiped the tears away as i went back to my dishes. she didn't leave. she stayed right in there with me and made some tea. false alarm, eh?

the only way i could believe something like this about her was by living through it myself.



yes, in the moment this is true. as i said before, my ex had real empathy but there was zero present when she thought of me as the enemy. revenge is very common in pwBPD and requires a certain degree of consciousness to deliver.

almost forgot the link. don't forget to laugh today!  :)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyHSo2Jd-58

Hmm, that’s quite a story, GL…

I’m familiar with lying too, but from another persective. My X was always changing the truth to make himself look better or more important, or to prove a point. I guess that’s one of the reasons why he’s afraid to reconnect with me and keeps away, because he knows I can see what’s hidden behind his mask. Even though he knows I’m not judgemental about this at all, he just can’t bear to know I’ve seen his weak spots, his actual self, the self he feels ashamed of. I think it’s easier for him to have someone who is impressed by his stories and who goes along with his fabrications.

GL, I feel that it’s even more difficult to break up if you know that your partner is being foul because he is hurt, vulnerable, ashamed etc but would love to do things right (as I think is the case with my X), than when your partner is deliberately manipulative and and intends to hurt you (as with you). How do you feel about that? Or is it more difficult to come to terms with yourself, on why you stayed in the relationship that long?

- typed ‘relation___’ there  :)

ah, that turned up blocked: Meant to say I made a typing error typing a -t at the end in 'relationship'  :)

lol, relationshi+, i get it  :)

i can't really speak on how hard it is to breakup knowing your ex is deliberately manipulative--i broke up with my ex before experiencing either of the above stories. 4 yrs together and both of the above occurred within the last 6 weeks of us living together. she had used these 'techniques' in the months previous to our breakup but i was unaware i was being played at the time. when i broke up with her i just felt, kind of like a quiet intuition telling me that we needed to be separate. she had grown so paranoid that i was cheating and consistently disrespectful and during a phone convo where she was being dismissive i just told her i didn't want to do this anymore. it wasn't planned at all, no yelling or anything, just happened in the moment. i'm forever grateful for this moment though as i feel at least i ended things on my terms rather than waiting for her to find a replacement first, *then* tell me that she was through. i'm pretty sure that's what would have happened if i hadn't acted first.

so i never experienced any guilt about staying too long. i see the way she's ended 2 r/s since we broke up and can see that i actually made a hard decision before other men could. i fared better in this regard. but i will say that after 'breaking up' with her, the couple of months afterward were the toughest in my life. i remember us being on the couch holding each other and crying saying that we didn't want things to end but that we both knew it was best. we swore to stay strong, respectful and to remain friends. this is status quo for me, i'm friendly with all my other exes except for her. i had the idea that we had to separate, but i definitely wanted to reconcile at a later date after we had both done some growing on our own. so, to go from holding each other like this, to two weeks later she's sleeping with some other guy (and lying about it), then two weeks later announcing to the world that she's in love--it was pretty crippling. we were still living together and sleeping in the same bed, she hadn't even found a new place yet. i have a lot of friends, we had at least 50 shared friends on FB and unbeknownst to me she changes her r/s status to being in a r/s with some new guy. most of my friends didn't even know we had broken up yet since it had only been a month (half of which was spent with us trying to reconcile). it was terrible, i was getting phone calls and emails asking if it was a joke. so i found out from friends instead of the woman i was sleeping next to. the whole thing was done to embarrass and punish me. i remember her showing off gifts she got from her new bf and then she'd faun over them and leave it on our bed stand for me to see all day. laughing and giggling while she read sex horoscopes for the two of them while i read in bed. his constant, constant texting back and forth. shortly thereafter she started sleeping on the couch.

so for me there was no transitory period where i realized she was untrustworthy before breaking up. i just had an underlying sense that things weren't right. at the same time i didn't have to deal with a lot of post-breakup guilt like others--there were never any threats of suicide, guilt trips, etc. in fact, the reason i think we lasted so long was b/c in regards to 'power' in the r/s i feel we were pretty even most of the time. i wasn't a needy codependant like many of her other bfs (which i feel made me more attractive/stable in some ways, but triggered her abandonment fears to a higher degree). yet at the same time she was very high functioning, really loyal for the majority of the r/s. my friends loved her, we were quite the item. my breaking up with her (this was the second and last time) i think triggered her big time, so it was only then that i saw how nasty things could get. because we lived together there was just no where to go.

to answer your question about how difficult it was breaking up. well, the actual act of doing it, me saying the words... . oddly this happened almost in a moment of peace. but the ensuing 2 months thereafter were the darkest i had ever experienced. nothing easy about it at all. perhaps though i can see your point that looking back there were more obvious character flaws there. i can see that, yes. but the abrupt nature of me finding this out actually created chaos, confusion for me that would take years to work through  :) don't cry for me love though, i'm good now!   and i must apologize if i have hijacked this thread. i feel i needed to go back to this dark place again and recapitulate. this week i'm quitting smoking and also these boards for a while to 'cleanse', so all this writing is kind of a guilty pleasure extinction burst so i can get it all out. thank you for listening though 

Jonie, Im sorry for what you are going through. Once I was in a brief r/s with a guy I now see as uNPD. I broke up with him and he turned all our common acquaintances against me. All. Every single one. They were not my friends, but stil... . Neither his friends! I believed they had their own issues. Some were just mean and joined him on bashing me. Im guessing either your friends have issues or they are afraid of him (but that doesnt justify anything anyway). You should be glad you see their true colours, no matter how hurtful it is right now.

Goldylamont, thanks for the link, I hadnt watched that episode. I see so many deal-breakers in my life nowadays, I believe thats healthy, I didnt even see red flags some time ago... . Our uPDs really love mind games, dont they? So much effort to control people! Wouldnt it be easier to let go and enjoy life?

Blonderunner, you were actually very smart. It took me a long time to realize what was going on, but the result is now I can see a red flag 10 miles away.  :)

Hi Louise, to be honest I’m not 100% sure that refusing to acknowledge his behaviour was particularly smart move on my part – it primarily happened because I have a strong stubborn streak and a very low tolerance for BS (qualities that work well in some situations but less so in others... . ).

You may have been smarter by calling your pwBPD out on their behaviour, at least you got to tell him that you were no fool and knew exactly what his game was so he snapped out of it - my dBPDexbf has kept this up for a month solid now! I sometimes wonder if he believes his silence has kept me locked in limbo, barely eating, washing or sleeping? It totally hasn’t, by the way!  lol

BlondeRunner, my xSO isnt BPD, he is uPAPD. In many ways, its easier to deal than a BPD or NPD.  :)

I read somewhere that when they give the ST, actually THEY are the ones obsessed about us: they keep thinking about us and expecting some reaction. I believe thats true, they dont expect to end the r/s, they just want to "break our backbone" and put us into submission mode.

With my xSO uPAPD, he snapped out of it for a while, but its such a rooted behaviour that Im sure at some point he will do it again to me (he continues using it with others). He is open enough to admit using it, but he doesnt admit using it for punishment: he says he´s hurt so he needs "time away". My answer was "come on, buddy, dont u know by now who u talk to? U aint SuperNanny to punish people".  :)

But thats easy for me, cause he doesnt rage, as all my uBPD relatives do. 

Aha – I’ll swap my dBPDexbf for your uPAPD!


I must say it’s quite an exercise in mental strength from both sides! It’s been a month though, buddy – I can tell ya I won’t be reacting!

Yes, JackBlacknBlue expressed a similar opinion above suggesting that it’s a potential way of keeping the door open for them to come back to someone who was “waiting”. I must admit I have found it all totally bizarre! I have dated some jerks in my time but this behaviour is off the scale!

So I assume the silent treatment and not initiating any contact is different? Anytime I would break no contact he would eventually answer me, but it was no more than three word responses. NEVER initiated contact but yet would vaguely answer me. Not sure would that is called but I do know I will never break no contact again.

Banshee, in my understanding, ST and NC are completely different things. When a non decides for NC (Im NC/VLC with my uPD relatives) its because we cant take it anymore. We cant take the abuse, disrespect, rages, etc. NC is not supposed to get a reaction from them, its supposed to make US stable and peaceful.

On the other hand, ST is a tool to make people REACT and SUBMIT to the uPD wishes. They use it in order to keep us into submission mode, to put us in "our place" so we provide them with whatever they want. Its a punishment. And they resume contact as if nothing happened, cause our period of grounding is over. So they allow us to be in touch with the royal highness again.  :)

Hi All

I've not been able to read all your posts yet - hopefully I have some time later today, but for the time being: I started this thread to question the idea that ST is always about punishment. That may be true in some cases, but in others it's more because they are emotionally blocked, stuck in their own overwhelming feelings (shame, guilt, anger, jealousy,... . ) and unable to realise how this affecting us.

 Louise7777,


QUOTE

So I assume the silent treatment and not initiating any contact is different? Anytime I would break no contact he would eventually answer me, but it was no more than three word responses. NEVER initiated contact but yet would vaguely answer me. Not sure would that is called but I do know I will never break no contact again.

Ugh so what is it called that my ex is doing? I really hate this mess, it's like if I could only understand this little thing I will be ok enough to move on, but then there is another question where I say again if I knew the answer to this last question I'll be ok.It's like a puzzle where you find and put a puzzle piece in and two come up missing!

Banshee, since this is your ex and you are broken up, i don't think this person really has any responsibility to keep in contact. He may be doing his own thing. However, at the end of the day I don't think this should feel like a puzzle piece anymore. I shared my experience above to show others that, yes, grown people are fully aware of when they are messing with you. passive aggressiveness and silent treatment suck because the person doing it wants to throw you off the trail or make you seem like you are the one going crazy. You feel confused right now? Not sure about what he's thinking or why he's acting this way? **Of course you feel this way--you were meant to feel this way because you're being punished. It seems like you know this already, and that now you are questioning whether you are right--so basically your wondering whether you can trust your gut instincts. trust me, just trust your gut instincts on this one. if interacting (or lack thereof) with someone makes you feel terrible then just trust the terrible feeling you have. i know for myself because i proved it to myself that my ex was playing games on purpose. you may have missed this opportunity to expose them to the degree you seek, but if you choose to stay on the fence about this in some effort to try and give your ex some credibility then honestly you're probably just giving into his game playing. mission accomplished for him. the reason these games work is because the victims go through life unable to believe the person is actually capable of doing it. they are. trust me. but most of all, trust how you already feel and don't feel guilty about it.

put another way, i think a lot of people have thoughts like "i know my ex or SO is bad... . but they can't be **that** bad, right?" um, yes, they can. if you feel that bad then yes. no need to make excuses for them.

Thankyou Goldylamont for the first time ever I'm moving past the need for explanations and justifications of his behaviour. I'm done trying to explain him. It's not my job. I am starting to see his bahaviour and the real person he is. Regardless of whether he has BPD or not, he has enough awareness to know he is hurting me... . Ongoing and continually. I took myself out of the game a while back but now I'm taking my empathy away. I'm not giving any more of my emotions to this man. ( or my ex best friend)

I feel like I've turned a corner now. Well into detachment when I don't feel the need to excuse him due to BPD. Nothing left to feel. No confusion, anger, love, frustration. Just nothing.

But it's taken many months to get here.

thank you Narellen for saying this. i write my posts and sometimes i worry that they may come across as too forward. and i never mean to bash or cast people with mental disorders in an all-bad light. i just feel it's important to know and accept the truth, and the way to get to the truth is to trust our instincts and verify them over time.

Narellen i love your attitude of removing yourself completely from the situation--this has always been a goal of mine. Yes, i recognize my ex did some pretty narc-y type things to me on purpose while seeming to enjoy herself. And i call her out on this. But this doesn't mean that i haven't been and don't continue my work of detaching and ultimately forgiving. Realizing your ex actually is "that bad" doesn't stop you on the path to forgiveness. It brings up anger and sadness, sometimes hate, but in the end i feel it actually speeds up your recovery to accept the totality of the bad--it speeds things up because you are no longer confused as to what you have to forgive. no longer doubting yourself and your decisions to leave. like i said in a previous post somewhere, my mindset regarding my ex is "well bless her stupid little heart"   :) only took a couple years to get here.

p.s. thank you all for tolerating my pity-party in the previous posts, lol, it was cleansing in a way

Yes, those phrases or quotes they post or like are meant for one person, YOU. My BPD friend does this all the time. The movies she wants to see via Flixster is her way of telling me that she wants me to see it with her.  I don't react or ask her to see it with me.  She needs to put in the effort. Why would I put myself in a position where she can give another excuse not to go.  It also includes songs she listens to in Pandora, those are directed at me. I mean really, who cares what she's listening to.  There is a Pandora option not to publish the songs and I know she doesn't publish all the songs she listens to. Checking in anywhere she goes especailly when I call or text and she doesn't respond... . she cannot tell me she hasn't told her other friends where she is.  I know she doesn't tell me and I find out through FB.  Passive way of communicating but that's how BPDs are. Another passive act is trying to do things with my other close friends... . sort of one degree of separation.  She won't do anything with me but will seek out my friends... . in her mind, it's a way of being close to me.  I know all the tricks... . I just observe, I let her come to me. If I have to put up with her behavior, she needs to put all the effort.  I got tired of asking to do the usual things we used to do. I am still bothered with periods of silent treatment but I never ever let her know or show it.  I keep myself busy because I know once that cycle is over, she acts like it was nothing. When they realize that the ST is not working, they usually stop.  Ignore the ST and go about how you usually treat her.

I asked her recently if she was upset about something I did or didn't do because she was giving me the cold shoulder... . she said "this is just the way I am."  Never a straight answer.  I took her word for it and went about doing things I usually do.  She slowly [2 weeks] snapped out of the ST when she realized I just went about my business.

I know there's another ST in the very near future but I know what to do.  It's getting old really!