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She will not forgive this though she may try to draw you back in and if she does she will hurt you for this all the way to your core. If there is any part of you that even still cares do not upset her if she decides to get back at you it could be in ways that will make you regret you ever thought of trying to shame her.

She will drag you down to her level and beat you with experience.

my ex does not do this. she is like ur ex blimblam. the silent non raging waif that is soaked in emotions and do not like to respond in very bad ways. she is giving me the silent treatment since the moment i told her that she is BPD. I feel relieved now actually the chest tightness and pain is gone (i contacted her 2 hours ago). I know the pain might be getting ready to kick later. though i know that her silent treatment from her point of view is a punishment or just to drive me crazy it is actually working. maybe she is not playing games and really the disorder is so in control and i am painted black like darkness and i am just a "mean" ex that does not deserve a reply from her.

Well hopefully this give you closure.

I was speaking from my experience with my last ex and the ex I had years ago that was BPD.  Anytime I said or did something to shame them I paid the price dearly.  Because part of me still cared, I was upset but I still cared so when I found out how they acted out it hurt badly.  It tends to come in the form of smear campaign and sleeping around.  All of a sudden you sense you are the butt of a joke.  The group of people that are privy to it will be people you can not ever face without feeling shame on some level beyond your grasp and in essence it gas lights you.  Your gut can sense it though.  The point is they will do things that will cause you to doubt yourself.  They do not have the moral code or bounderies you or I would have they are cunning and ruthless when it comes to revenge and they take a sadistic pleasure in it. 

the silent non raging waif

I just feel so relieved now. I thought that her giving me the silent treatment if any contact would bring me back to the hell vip lounge . but, i feel so relieved. I am not sure maybe i feel numb not relieved. I hope there is nothing bad waiting for me emotionally in the upcoming days\weeks.

Actually, I do not beleive that type even exist, your relationship just wasn't long enough to see her dysregulated.

Actually, I do not beleive that type even exist, your relationship just wasn't long enough to see her dysregulated.

it is a case of ignorance is bliss.  You don't want to know, hopefully you have her blocked on FB.  I will tell you this waifs that don't rage tend to take revenge sexually and as a sort of self punishment also.  If any part of you still cares trust me you don't want to know.  If you didn't care you would be indifferent and you are not.  For every action their is a reaction. This Hatred will eat at you, it will define you if you let it.

You continuing to send her messages after so much time has passed with the intent to hurt her is spitefull and malicious and it reflects on you.  What is it you hold on to that upsets you so much?  What happened in your past?  Who does she remind you of in your family of origin?  She inflated your bubble and when it burst it hurt so badly because now your core truamas are exposed and salt poured into them. 

The thing about trauma is when they happen in your life they happen in real time and their is no background music to tell you how to feel. Something happened man.  Turn the mirror inward and reflect if you want to live. 

They leave you with a burden that is immense and unbearable.  It is the accumulation of all the pain they have inflicted on you, all the betrayal, and especially all the blame.  Even the way they constantly discard us and walk away says, "You're nothing, but I'm awesome.  And look at how easily everybody else sees it."  And this burden is carried and then compounded because of the fact that it is so wrong.  As we heal, our anger linked to pain surfaces, and we demand that there be justice.  We demand that *they* be the losers and that the world recognize it. 

And this only makes things worse, because we have zero control over any of this.  So, bitterness cements the chains around our hands that tie us to this burden, and it actually fulfills their victory -that we remain forever chained to them and be the carrier of the burdens.  Everything we wish upon them actually becomes ours -we drink the poison, ourselves.  They get to project all of their crap onto us, and in our anger and bitterness we swallow it all.  They get to stride on through life and to their next victims as the victor, and we remain the losers. 

But in the end, it is only our choice and truly only within our power to finally decide we no longer want to carry that burden.  We are the only ones who can get to the place where we decide to put it down and never pick it back up again.

Why do they do it? I don't really know, but I suspect it is driven by their undying need to feel like somebody. My ex's mother, though not knowing every aspect of our story, suggested to me on more than one occasion that she believes her daughter is actually jealous of me.  So, she seeks to destroy and cut others (me) down so that she feels more powerful and good about herself. The best case for them is to have a good, kind, and carying person with lots of potential feel like they are a total loser and be wrapped up in them.


It's the whole "Who's the winner and who's the loser" game.  Here's what it looks like if it could be summarized into a dialog:


Them:  I'm the winner.  You're the loser!  Look at me!  Look at me!  Happy as can be!

Us:  (writhing in pain)  "No... but that's not true!  Look at all you have done!"

Them:  Oh yeah?  Well, who is the one walking away like its nothing?  Who is the happy one who has a great new life?  Not you!  Who is the one with all these new friends?  Not you!

Us:  But, that's not right!  You're playing games and putting that on me!

Them:  No.  I'm not doing anything.  It's simply that you cannot get over it.  It's you who is the problem.  I'm innocent.  I'm just a happy person, and you're the unhappy one.  I'm right.

Us:  (burning with anger)  Grrrrrrrrr  (churning ourselves up inside)

Them:  See?  Look at you.  It's your fault.  You're the loser, and I'm fine.  Others agree.  I told you for years it was you.  I'm right.

Us:  (burning with anger) Grrrrrrrrrrrr (churning ourselves up inside more, feeling lower and lower, as our bitterness squelches our life and we "become" the loser in the game.  We fulfill the role they wrote for us.)

Until... .

Us:  That's nice, but I no longer care for this game.  I put the ball down a while ago.  I'm free, and I know who I am.  I don't need to play the "who's the winner and who's the loser" game anymore.


Despite what they say, they *need* for us to be the loser.  It helps them survive.  Their fragile ego depends on it.  If we are the loser in the game, that means they get to be the winner.  If we are the miserable one, they get to be the happy one.  And we carry the role of the blamed one, and they get to be the strong ones who just made a few mistakes and now are free from us.  This is a more advanced and insidious form of projection called "Projective Identification." The only way out is to get out of the game, to put the ball down for good and never pick it back up.