i broke NC

[antjs]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=228131.0

this was my struggle yesterday.

I broke NC and sent her the screenshot followed by :

I was going through my dropbox yesterday and found this

It made me laugh

How can you have that switch from love to hate in a second

anyway take care of yourself

Hope the best for you (her name)

---------


I got the silent treatment as anticipated. I hope i will not be in the FOG again. I hope i will not feel worse cause my physical body can not take more depression than this. I hope i would be stronger and that would be the last contact ever. This incident somehow gives me relief. I do not know relief because of what but i feel that i am really done. I have done my best with her. I have killed any doubts of shortcomings from my side.

[Blimblam]

I understand where you are coming from. I have been down that path and it almost led me to suicide.

keep in mind the phrase, "hell hath no furry like a womans scorn."

In my experience anytime I have ever tried to bring up relevant considerations to the outcome of things with the ex it always hurt me deeply.  For the sake of my sanity I no longer do it.  She will not forgive this though she may try to draw you back in and if she does she will hurt you for this all the way to your core. If there is any part of you that even still cares do not upset her if she decides to get back at you it could be in ways that will make you regret you ever thought of trying to shame her.

She will drag you down to her level and beat you with experience.

[antjs]

She will not forgive this though she may try to draw you back in and if she does she will hurt you for this all the way to your core. If there is any part of you that even still cares do not upset her if she decides to get back at you it could be in ways that will make you regret you ever thought of trying to shame her.

She will drag you down to her level and beat you with experience.

my ex does not do this. she is like ur ex blimblam. the silent non raging waif that is soaked in emotions and do not like to respond in very bad ways. she is giving me the silent treatment since the moment i told her that she is BPD. I feel relieved now actually the chest tightness and pain is gone (i contacted her 2 hours ago). I know the pain might be getting ready to kick later. though i know that her silent treatment from her point of view is a punishment or just to drive me crazy it is actually working. maybe she is not playing games and really the disorder is so in control and i am painted black like darkness and i am just a "mean" ex that does not deserve a reply from her.

[Blimblam]

She will not forgive this though she may try to draw you back in and if she does she will hurt you for this all the way to your core. If there is any part of you that even still cares do not upset her if she decides to get back at you it could be in ways that will make you regret you ever thought of trying to shame her.

She will drag you down to her level and beat you with experience.

my ex does not do this. she is like ur ex blimblam. the silent non raging waif that is soaked in emotions and do not like to respond in very bad ways. she is giving me the silent treatment since the moment i told her that she is BPD. I feel relieved now actually the chest tightness and pain is gone (i contacted her 2 hours ago). I know the pain might be getting ready to kick later. though i know that her silent treatment from her point of view is a punishment or just to drive me crazy it is actually working. maybe she is not playing games and really the disorder is so in control and i am painted black like darkness and i am just a "mean" ex that does not deserve a reply from her.

Well hopefully this give you closure.

I was speaking from my experience with my last ex and the ex I had years ago that was BPD.  Anytime I said or did something to shame them I paid the price dearly.  Because part of me still cared, I was upset but I still cared so when I found out how they acted out it hurt badly.  It tends to come in the form of smear campaign and sleeping around.  All of a sudden you sense you are the butt of a joke.  The group of people that are privy to it will be people you can not ever face without feeling shame on some level beyond your grasp and in essence it gas lights you.  Your gut can sense it though.  The point is they will do things that will cause you to doubt yourself.  They do not have the moral code or bounderies you or I would have they are cunning and ruthless when it comes to revenge and they take a sadistic pleasure in it. 

[antjs]

She will not forgive this though she may try to draw you back in and if she does she will hurt you for this all the way to your core. If there is any part of you that even still cares do not upset her if she decides to get back at you it could be in ways that will make you regret you ever thought of trying to shame her.

She will drag you down to her level and beat you with experience.

my ex does not do this. she is like ur ex blimblam. the silent non raging waif that is soaked in emotions and do not like to respond in very bad ways. she is giving me the silent treatment since the moment i told her that she is BPD. I feel relieved now actually the chest tightness and pain is gone (i contacted her 2 hours ago). I know the pain might be getting ready to kick later. though i know that her silent treatment from her point of view is a punishment or just to drive me crazy it is actually working. maybe she is not playing games and really the disorder is so in control and i am painted black like darkness and i am just a "mean" ex that does not deserve a reply from her.

Well hopefully this give you closure.

I was speaking from my experience with my last ex and the ex I had years ago that was BPD.  Anytime I said or did something to shame them I paid the price dearly.  Because part of me still cared, I was upset but I still cared so when I found out how they acted out it hurt badly.  It tends to come in the form of smear campaign and sleeping around.  All of a sudden you sense you are the butt of a joke.  The group of people that are privy to it will be people you can not ever face without feeling shame on some level beyond your grasp and in essence it gas lights you.  Your gut can sense it though.  The point is they will do things that will cause you to doubt yourself.  They do not have the moral code or bounderies you or I would have they are cunning and ruthless when it comes to revenge and they take a sadistic pleasure in it. 

I do not care about the smear campaign cause we do not have common friends. The interaction with her was more of a fast fling.

yes her silent treatment since the past made me doubt myself that i am the one who has something wrong with him. now i know it is used against me but i dont know the reason and i dont care what is the point. shame of her, trying to guilt me, gaslighting me, maybe cause i confronted her that she keeps all her exs enmeshed and is like a child teasing they are still friends with me while you are not (i am glad !)

I have said things that are worse 3 months ago and she did not come back at me. I hope she does not this time too.

[antjs]

I just feel so relieved now. I thought that her giving me the silent treatment if any contact would bring me back to the hell vip lounge . but, i feel so relieved. I am not sure maybe i feel numb not relieved. I hope there is nothing bad waiting for me emotionally in the upcoming days\weeks.

[BorisAcusio]

She will not forgive this though she may try to draw you back in and if she does she will hurt you for this all the way to your core. If there is any part of you that even still cares do not upset her if she decides to get back at you it could be in ways that will make you regret you ever thought of trying to shame her.

She will drag you down to her level and beat you with experience.

the silent non raging waif

Actually, I do not beleive that type even exist, your relationship just wasn't long enough to see her dysregulated.

[Blimblam]

I just feel so relieved now. I thought that her giving me the silent treatment if any contact would bring me back to the hell vip lounge . but, i feel so relieved. I am not sure maybe i feel numb not relieved. I hope there is nothing bad waiting for me emotionally in the upcoming days\weeks.

it is a case of ignorance is bliss.  You don't want to know, hopefully you have her blocked on FB.  I will tell you this waifs that don't rage tend to take revenge sexually and as a sort of self punishment also.  If any part of you still cares trust me you don't want to know.  If you didn't care you would be indifferent and you are not.  For every action their is a reaction. This Hatred will eat at you, it will define you if you let it.

You continuing to send her messages after so much time has passed with the intent to hurt her is spitefull and malicious and it reflects on you.  What is it you hold on to that upsets you so much?  What happened in your past?  Who does she remind you of in your family of origin?  She inflated your bubble and when it burst it hurt so badly because now your core truamas are exposed and salt poured into them.  

The thing about trauma is when they happen in your life they happen in real time and their is no background music to tell you how to feel. Something happened man.  Turn the mirror inward and reflect if you want to live.  

listen to Tool.

"The Grudge"


Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.

Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.

Desperate to control all and everything.

Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.

Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.

Terrified of being wrong. Ultimatum prison cell.

Saturn ascends, choose one or ten. Hang on or be humbled again.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.

Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.

Saturn ascends, comes round again.

Saturn ascends, the one, the ten. Ignorant to the damage done.

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.

Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.

Desperate to control all and everything.

Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.

Wear your grudge like a crown. Desperate to control.

Unable to forgive. And we're sinking deeper.

Defining, confining, controlling, and we're sinking deeper.

Saturn comes back around to show you everything

Let's you choose what you will not see and then

Drags you down like a stone or lifts you up again

Spits you out like a child, light and innocent.

Saturn comes back around. Lifts you up like a child or

Drags you down like a stone

To consume you till you choose to let this go.

Give away the stone. Let the oceans take and

Transmutate this cold and fated anchor.

Give away the stone. Let the waters kiss and

Transmutate these leaden grudges into gold.

Let go.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQQlyJjBvcE

[antjs]

She will not forgive this though she may try to draw you back in and if she does she will hurt you for this all the way to your core. If there is any part of you that even still cares do not upset her if she decides to get back at you it could be in ways that will make you regret you ever thought of trying to shame her.

She will drag you down to her level and beat you with experience.

the silent non raging waif

Actually, I do not beleive that type even exist, your relationship just wasn't long enough to see her dysregulated.

one time we had an incident in a restaurant in a touristic resort. there was no scene thanks to god. i went away and she begged to talk for like 2 hours. we made peace after a short conversation. and she said "you know if this incident did happen with my husband years back i would shout and rage in public places. i am glad that i stopped doing so." basically she wanted to say that she changed from raging in the past to more calm now (though there were one or two incidents of rage against me, compared that we have been together for a month then i would say yes she can be raging actually). and her ex-husband (longest relationship for her) lasted for 2 years with her. I imagine a man marrying this creature for 5+ years, i think he is either gonna leave her or commit suicide.


I am really glad that i feel relieved now after the contact. last contact was 3 months ago and it ended up badly from my side with me calling her a pu$$y. maybe the closure for me was to say goodbye in a decent way though the message has a subtle shame towards her.

[Blimblam]

She will not forgive this though she may try to draw you back in and if she does she will hurt you for this all the way to your core. If there is any part of you that even still cares do not upset her if she decides to get back at you it could be in ways that will make you regret you ever thought of trying to shame her.

She will drag you down to her level and beat you with experience.

the silent non raging waif

Actually, I do not beleive that type even exist, your relationship just wasn't long enough to see her dysregulated.

I had seen mine dysregulated plenty of times she never raged at me.  She would just cumble into a pile of insecurity and dread.  Freaking out.

[antjs]

I just feel so relieved now. I thought that her giving me the silent treatment if any contact would bring me back to the hell vip lounge . but, i feel so relieved. I am not sure maybe i feel numb not relieved. I hope there is nothing bad waiting for me emotionally in the upcoming days\weeks.

it is a case of ignorance is bliss.  You don't want to know, hopefully you have her blocked on FB.  I will tell you this waifs that don't rage tend to take revenge sexually and as a sort of self punishment also.  If any part of you still cares trust me you don't want to know.  If you didn't care you would be indifferent and you are not.  For every action their is a reaction. This Hatred will eat at you, it will define you if you let it.

You continuing to send her messages after so much time has passed with the intent to hurt her is spitefull and malicious and it reflects on you.  What is it you hold on to that upsets you so much?  What happened in your past?  Who does she remind you of in your family of origin?  She inflated your bubble and when it burst it hurt so badly because now your core truamas are exposed and salt poured into them. 

The thing about trauma is when they happen in your life they happen in real time and their is no background music to tell you how to feel. Something happened man.  Turn the mirror inward and reflect if you want to live. 

i have her blocked on facebook since march.

i don't hate her. my grieve process shifted towards processing pain of something i am not still aware of. i believe it is from the past. i am still digging deep to know what it is.

i don't mean to hurt her. i sent her this message after being exposed to a big trigger last night. i was doing ok with NC for three months. i did not mean to shame her when i wrote the message but after i have sent it yes i can see that i am shaming her.

the message did not mean to be shameful. i just feel relieved cause i gave closure to myself by sending this message.

[Blimblam]

listen to this over and over and over and over.  This is your new theme song like Rocky and eye of the tiger. It is by tool and indeed it is a tool for inner alchemy as said in the other song to turn these "leaden grudges into gold." Use the tool for transformation.  The thing is even once you intellectualy know "why" it doesn't mean you will have processed it by your body.  This music is dealing with these issues and is about feeling it, feel the music and let it transform you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tja6_h4lT6A


"Forty-Six & 2"


My shadow's

Shedding skin and

I've been picking

Scabs again.

I'm down

Digging through

My old muscles

Looking for a clue.

I've been crawling on my belly

Clearing out what could've been.

I've been wallowing in my own confused

And insecure delusions

For a piece to cross me over

Or a word to guide me in.

I wanna feel the changes coming down.

I wanna know what I've been hiding in

My shadow.

Change is coming through my shadow.

My shadow's shedding skin

I've been picking

My scabs again.

I've been crawling on my belly

Clearing out what could've been.

I've been wallowing in my own chaotic

And insecure delusions.

I wanna feel the change consume me,

Feel the outside turning in.

I wanna feel the metamorphosis and

Cleansing I've endured within

My shadow

Change is coming.

Now is my time.

Listen to my muscle memory.

Contemplate what I've been clinging to.

Forty-six and two ahead of me.

I choose to live and to

Grow, take and give and to

Move, learn and love and to

Cry, kill and die and to

Be paranoid and to

Lie, hate and fear and to

Do what it takes to move through.

I choose to live and to

Lie, kill and give and to

Die, learn and love and to

Do what it takes to step through.

See my shadow changing,

Stretching up and over me.

Soften this old armor.

Hoping I can clear the way

By stepping through my shadow,

Coming out the other side.

Step into the shadow.

Forty six and two are just ahead of me.  

[Blimblam]

The thing is even once you intellectualy know "why" it doesn't mean you will have processed it by your body.  This music is dealing with these issues and is about feeling it, feel the music and let it transform you.  I am in this same stage.  Except I know "why."  The feeling it part is the hard part.

The same part of you that defends the fantasy is defending something else. The hope of recognition by the love of who? TO be seen and understood by who? These are people in your family of origin.

[Blimblam]

They leave you with a burden that is immense and unbearable.  It is the accumulation of all the pain they have inflicted on you, all the betrayal, and especially all the blame.  Even the way they constantly discard us and walk away says, "You're nothing, but I'm awesome.  And look at how easily everybody else sees it."  And this burden is carried and then compounded because of the fact that it is so wrong.  As we heal, our anger linked to pain surfaces, and we demand that there be justice.  We demand that *they* be the losers and that the world recognize it. 

And this only makes things worse, because we have zero control over any of this.  So, bitterness cements the chains around our hands that tie us to this burden, and it actually fulfills their victory -that we remain forever chained to them and be the carrier of the burdens.  Everything we wish upon them actually becomes ours -we drink the poison, ourselves.  They get to project all of their crap onto us, and in our anger and bitterness we swallow it all.  They get to stride on through life and to their next victims as the victor, and we remain the losers. 

But in the end, it is only our choice and truly only within our power to finally decide we no longer want to carry that burden.  We are the only ones who can get to the place where we decide to put it down and never pick it back up again.

Why do they do it? I don't really know, but I suspect it is driven by their undying need to feel like somebody. My ex's mother, though not knowing every aspect of our story, suggested to me on more than one occasion that she believes her daughter is actually jealous of me.  So, she seeks to destroy and cut others (me) down so that she feels more powerful and good about herself. The best case for them is to have a good, kind, and carying person with lots of potential feel like they are a total loser and be wrapped up in them.


It's the whole "Who's the winner and who's the loser" game.  Here's what it looks like if it could be summarized into a dialog:


Them:  I'm the winner.  You're the loser!  Look at me!  Look at me!  Happy as can be!

Us:  (writhing in pain)  "No... but that's not true!  Look at all you have done!"

Them:  Oh yeah?  Well, who is the one walking away like its nothing?  Who is the happy one who has a great new life?  Not you!  Who is the one with all these new friends?  Not you!

Us:  But, that's not right!  You're playing games and putting that on me!

Them:  No.  I'm not doing anything.  It's simply that you cannot get over it.  It's you who is the problem.  I'm innocent.  I'm just a happy person, and you're the unhappy one.  I'm right.

Us:  (burning with anger)  Grrrrrrrrr  (churning ourselves up inside)

Them:  See?  Look at you.  It's your fault.  You're the loser, and I'm fine.  Others agree.  I told you for years it was you.  I'm right.

Us:  (burning with anger) Grrrrrrrrrrrr (churning ourselves up inside more, feeling lower and lower, as our bitterness squelches our life and we "become" the loser in the game.  We fulfill the role they wrote for us.)

Until... .

Us:  That's nice, but I no longer care for this game.  I put the ball down a while ago.  I'm free, and I know who I am.  I don't need to play the "who's the winner and who's the loser" game anymore.


Despite what they say, they *need* for us to be the loser.  It helps them survive.  Their fragile ego depends on it.  If we are the loser in the game, that means they get to be the winner.  If we are the miserable one, they get to be the happy one.  And we carry the role of the blamed one, and they get to be the strong ones who just made a few mistakes and now are free from us.  This is a more advanced and insidious form of projection called "Projective Identification." The only way out is to get out of the game, to put the ball down for good and never pick it back up.

[x1985x]

Blimblam,

I'm a huge TOOL fan also, great advice.