BPDFamily.com

My BPDbf hates socializing with my friends (only talks to strangers or people online). I never have people over. We don't go to birthday parties or nothing like that. I'm not the very social kind but I do like an occasional dinner with nice people.

This weekend we are going to a wedding. According to him that's a big "love proof". (I'm still waiting to see if he is actually coming... .) He has been bit**in about it since the invite came so you can imagine the turmoil this event has been... .

So I tough... .: I miss my friends. I live by myself and he only visits. I pay my bills. I pay my rent. What is stopping me from having some friends over once in a while? So that's when it hit me: Nothing! So I'm having a dinner party!

He tries so hard for me to break contact with all people that I'm so sick of having my weekends looking at him sleeping. He sometimes even makes me feel bad for doing my stuff around the house while he sleeps trough the afternoon! So he is not being an excuse anymore. Is he behaves... .good. If he doesnt... .Well. We'll see.

sounds like you are beginning to set some healthy boundaries for yourself. kudos for this--make sure you stick to the plan!  |iiii perhaps others can chime in with advice on setting and keeping this boundary for yourself to give you the most success. best wishes.

In every relationship I see myself doing the same mistake: I forsaken my social life for the other person. This time... .It's with a very very manipulation person. I love him dearly but I 'm starting to love myself more. After all... .Whats the worse that can happen? Either he realizes that he actually loves their company or he walks away (which will happen eventually... .)

I already know that my low self esteem is the reason I put up with so many discussions. I'm soo scared no one will love me that I just keep going... .Isnt that stupid?

no it is not stupid. so many people are living with self esteem issues which affect them negatively in relationships. it's not stupid. you are not stupid. the fact that you are aware of your issues is a great starting point to work on yourself. you will find here plenty of others that share your predicament who have made amazing strides with recovery themselves. keep listening and keep posting. you are an artist creating your reality, and with your new awareness growing you *will* learn to paint a more beautiful, peaceful future for yourself.

I am trying really hard to solve this issues. A BPD r/s can really mess up our mind if we dont pay attention... .


This is so beautiful... .Thank you <3

You know that feeling when a fight is coming and your heart starts racing... .? This is happening to me now. Just spoke on the phone with him. He says I'm forcing him to go to the wedding. That he hates weddings. He hates his new tenis shoes. They dont go with his shorts. And Im to blame. I told him black tenis shoes goes with everything. He hates weddings. He hates that I am not saying "you dont need to go" when he talks about how much he hates weddings.


I can just feel it... .

Tonight we are going to argue. I just know it. Im going to keep my mouth shut about this wedding and he is going to freak out about having to go... .Like a little child.

ARGH! Why can't he just be "normal"? WHY? Why me? Why not a nice normal guy... .? We do we both have to suffer with mediocre things and why doesnt he get better and grow up... .?

How much can a person take?

Well, I'm of two minds on this.

First, good on you for setting your boundaries and doing what you want to do. Nothing wrong with having friends over at all.

Second, this WILL trigger him. I'm going to bet you'll pay a price emotionally for this party. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, but I think maybe you want to ask yourself whether you're doing this to carve out boundaries that will help make the relationship healthier, or to piss him off and give you an another excuse to leave. If the latter is the case, then I think the healthy way to make that happen is to come to believe that YOU are worthy of being out of a bad relationship, and then leaving if things don't improve. Just sayin'... .

Only as much as you choose to... .

That is a great insight on this. I am doing this for two reasons:

1st: I want to expose him to the thing he hates the most: Being with other people. I believe that he would enjoy it if he just let go of his fears of being criticized.

2nd: I want to make him see we can have a normal life and that there is so much more that he can do with his life.

He doesnt work or never worked. He is too afraid. He is 34 and living with his mother.

He doesnt enjoy life. He just sleeps, eats and plays on the xbox.

He never traveled.

He never allows himself to be happy.

He has in him the potential of doing more and being more. I want to help him get there. But I will not let myself be lost in the process. (more than I already am... .)

To be honest boss... .I never realised I could take so much cr**. Either I am stronger than I thought I was or I am weaker than I thought I was.

these are the wrong reasons and if this is why then i suggest you do not go forward with this plan. you can never make him face his fears, nor make him see that you can have a normal life. nor that he can do more with his. the need, the want to fix him is unhealthy and something to work on with your own self development. holding onto the idea that you are helping him (you are not) or yourself (definitely not) is unhealthy and will cause both of you more pain in the long run.


a lot of people would then ask you "if the above is true then why are you even with this person". however from your previous sentences it sounds like perhaps him having these qualities is a big part of why you are with this person. you want to fix someone and you still believe that you can. you simply cannot. perhaps a trained therapist or psychologist that is detached emotionally could help after years of working with them, but even this is questionable. a partner can never fix their significant other though. perhaps offer support while they help themselves is the best you can offer, however you will most likely lose yourself in this process with nothing to reap in the end.


If he has the potential then he will start showing it despite anything you provide. if he's in his mid 30s and his family, friends and acquaintances weren't able to change him, why would you think that you are the person who can? it is unhealthy to think so.

i remember 18 months after breaking up a mutual friend of my ex came to me after she (finally) started wondering if something was wrong with my ex. my friend came to me so anxious from whatever my ex had done she was shaking and nervous. i tried to tell her as best i could that she needed to remove my ex from her life to preserve her health, but she wasn't as far along in healing and wisdom as i was yet. hadn't been betrayed enough yet. still needed extra proof. she was convinced that "all [ex] needs is love and compassion... ."--hah, AS IF! *) as if i didn't give this to her. as if i didn't witness her family try this already. as if my ex didn't cycle through and abuse most anyone who showed her love/compassion. and that somehow, she (my friend) was the one who could help her? but you have to think about this--how important do you really think you are? my friend knew my ex for less than 2 years. i knew my ex for 5 years, lived with her, knew her family, made more sacrifices and had many more moments. yet, being the savvy BPD my ex is, she can easily make some people feel like all they need to do is "love her" to death (their own death, not hers :).

this is a tough thing to swallow MissTajo. know i'm saying it with love. but you will not only have to accept that your bf simply is who he is, but also have to accept for yourself that you have no power nor business trying to fix him.

p.s. many people here refer to your disposition as being a "fixer" or having "vulnerable narcissism". there's many that have been in your shoes and can offer help. that have been just where you are at. please keep posting and learning!   

goldylamont, thank you so much for all your insights. Its very useful for someone who has been in a recent relationship with a BPD (1yr and a half) to learn from someone who has been in one longer.

I do have some updates on the wedding event.  |iiii

The night before he was really anxious and nervous. He tried really hard to keep it in. I tried to confort him (I do understand the stress of being in a social event we dont want to be) and he said many many times the phrase "You dont understand. You will never understand" I tried to keep calm and validate him as much as I could. It worked. At the wedding he was still nervous and anxious. By dinner he was much better. he was talking to people. He was laughing and we danced a lot. He had fun. He enjoyed it... .A lot. Like I knew in my heart he would if he didnt give up. And Im happy. Im so happy it worked out. I feel that if I expose him to the things he is afraid of he will manage to overcome his fears.

I also found out something I was suspicious of: His mother is his main trigger.

He told me he didnt tell her he was going to a wedding and instead told her is was a birthday. Even so her answer was : Don't go. You should not go. Why do you go? You are not going to like it.

He wisely decided to ignore the "advice"... .I wonder how this woman can see her son is suffering and tried to put him down even more... .? He has been dealing with this since he was a child. No wonder his head is all messed up... .