That is a great insight on this. I am doing this for two reasons:
1st: I want to expose him to the thing he hates the most: Being with other people. I believe that he would enjoy it if he just let go of his fears of being criticized.
2nd: I want to make him see we can have a normal life and that there is so much more that he can do with his life.
these are the wrong reasons and if this is why then i suggest you do not go forward with this plan. you can never make him face his fears, nor make him see that you can have a normal life. nor that he can do more with his. the need, the want to fix him is unhealthy and something to work on with your own self development. holding onto the idea that you are helping him (you are not) or yourself (definitely not) is unhealthy and will cause both of you more pain in the long run.
He doesnt work or never worked. He is too afraid. He is 34 and living with his mother.
He doesnt enjoy life. He just sleeps, eats and plays on the xbox.
He never traveled.
He never allows himself to be happy.
a lot of people would then ask you "if the above is true then why are you even with this person". however from your previous sentences it sounds like perhaps him having these qualities is a big part of why you are with this person. you want to fix someone and you still believe that you can. you simply cannot. perhaps a trained therapist or psychologist that is detached emotionally could help after years of working with them, but even this is questionable. a partner can never fix their significant other though. perhaps offer support while they help themselves is the best you can offer, however you will most likely lose yourself in this process with nothing to reap in the end.
He has in him the potential of doing more and being more. I want to help him get there. But I will not let myself be lost in the process. (more than I already am... .)
If he has the potential then he will start showing it despite anything you provide. if he's in his mid 30s and his family, friends and acquaintances weren't able to change him, why would you think that you are the person who can? it is unhealthy to think so.
i remember 18 months after breaking up a mutual friend of my ex came to me after she (finally) started wondering if something was wrong with my ex. my friend came to me so anxious from whatever my ex had done she was shaking and nervous. i tried to tell her as best i could that she needed to remove my ex from her life to preserve her health, but she wasn't as far along in healing and wisdom as i was yet. hadn't been betrayed enough yet. still needed extra proof. she was convinced that "all [ex] needs is love and compassion... ."--hah, AS IF!
as if i didn't give this to her. as if i didn't witness her family try this already. as if my ex didn't cycle through and abuse most anyone who showed her love/compassion. and that somehow, she (my friend) was the one who could help her? but you have to think about this--how important do you really think you are? my friend knew my ex for less than 2 years. i knew my ex for 5 years, lived with her, knew her family, made more sacrifices and had many more moments. yet, being the savvy BPD my ex is, she can easily make some people feel like all they need to do is "love her" to death (their own death, not hers
.
this is a tough thing to swallow MissTajo. know i'm saying it with love. but you will not only have to accept that your bf simply is who he is, but also have to accept for yourself that you have no power nor business trying to fix him.
p.s. many people here refer to your disposition as being a "fixer" or having "vulnerable narcissism". there's many that have been in your shoes and can offer help. that have been just where you are at. please keep posting and learning!
