BPDFamily.com

1) How can I tell whether an 11 year old girl (my gd) who is showing BPD traits like her mother,  is BPD or is traumatized because of the emotional and mental abuse she experience at the hands of her BPD mother?

2) And what do we do? I keep talking counseling to my son but it is falling on deaf ears! HELP!

I am really sorry mother in law, if your son isn't open to hear you, there isn't much you can do to change his family situation... .

What you CAN do, is learn yourself as much as you can on the disorder, so you can be the best support for your granddaughter when she is around you. People suffering from BPD or developing BPD need different approach.

Also, if/when your son shares with you some of his struggles with his wife, or daughter, you may be able to gently share with him what you have learned.

As far as being able to tell whether your granddaughter is developing BPD or just showing some learned behaviors, that is an issue for professionals, and even those are reluctant to diagnose someone before the age of 18. At the same time - BPD does have a genetic component, so it depends whether she has the predisposition for BPD or not. Generally, children w/out the sensitivity and predisposition do not develop BPD just from living with someone who has it, unless there is severe abuse present as well.

Does this help?

What kinds of behaviors are you concerned about?

What have you been able to read on BPD so far?

Hi pessim-optimism,  what a great name I love it.  My gd where do I start.  She is on the whole a great kid.  Does well at school, used to have problems with friends but that seems to have settled, has only good reports from teachers,  plays a musical instrument,  loves the outdoors and physical activity especially the beach. 

She has however always been attention seeking , I have always put this down to being an only child and both parents who never told her to wait her turn! ! She is now 11 and the attention seeking hasn't really changed. She is hopeless at entertaining herself if out anywhere and she is bored and she lets the whole world know. ... And not in a nice way!  At 11 I thought she may be growing out of this but no.  She then becomes moody,  sulky,  rude ie won't talk to anyone. This seems to happen when she does not get her own way.  I have to say her mother does the same but then has anger thrown in. Her mother admits that she did exactly this all the time when young to get her own way,  so yes it does worry me.

My son gd dad is a very good father but after 10 years of all sorts of ghastly abuse (the verbal continues)  just wants to run away I think at the thought of more of it.  He has been told by 2 different psychologists that it is better he talks to his daughter than them.and he does try. 

My exBPD dil has been out of control for the last 2 weeks and gd bears the brunt of this. She is with her mother from late Sunday to Thursday then With her father all weekend. When the BPD dil is of out of control the rages are fierce and would be very scary for anyone never mind a child. We have had to rescue gd on odd occasions.

Sometimes I think the behavior is just copying her mother, sometimes I wonder if she is another BPD in the making and sometimes I think she is very traumatized from the rages.  I do talk to her sometimes and tell her none of it is her fault. I have read quite a bit on this wonderful site but all 3 possibilities have different treatments/ways of handling them whence the question what do we do. Exdil will have nothing to do with us so I have decided to let that go and help those I can.  When we talk to gd we stress using words not anger,  how we become happy,  that we love her,  ringing us if she has a problem but how do we stop or reduce the sulky moods?

Hi Mother in law,

I'd like to join Pessim-optimist in welcoming you to our family. *welcome*

You have asked some very good questions! Your son and GD are lucky to have your support.  I agree with Pessim-optimist that learning as much as you can about BPD will help everybody, including you.  As for sharing what you've learned to your son's "deaf ears,"  I sure understand how frustrating that is!  What is it about men and asking for help anyway?  (No wonder they won't ask for directions! lol)  I think Pessim has a good idea about this too... .wait until your son shares his troubles with you.  THEN share pertinent facts and information with him.


This certainly is one of the traits of BPD.  And for a lot of us parents, we noticed traits in our BPD offspring very early.  My DD is almost 18 now, but she was always highly sensitive and needed a lot of attention.  We thought it was the "only child" thing too, but that wasn't the case, now that she's been diagnosed with BPD.


How frightening and sad for you, and it must be so awful to watch your poor GD go through this! 


Could be.  As my therapist says, the "diagnosis" isn't as important as treating the symptoms.  In any case, she is so lucky to have your stable, loving voice! 


Uh oh.  I hate to say it, but at age 11, your GD may be entering puberty and those sulky moods may be around for a while.  My DD turned moody and Goth overnight around the same age.  It had nothing to do with divorce or trauma.  (DH and I are happily married since before she was born.)  She died her honey-blonde hair black and wore nothing but black clothing and heavy black eye liner for several years.  She is FINALLY coming out of that stage, so it doesn't last forever.  What I'm saying is her moodiness may be quite normal.

I'm not sure what you've read here yet, but the treatment for BPD is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT).  I can tell you first-hand that typical "normal" parenting techniques do not work on kids w BPD, so you would do well to learn the DBT techniques to help your GD learn to regulate her emotions.  I wish I'd known about DBT when my DD hit puberty. 

I have found the tools to the right of this board to be particularly helpful. ---------------->

If you haven't read these already, check out "Validating" and "Respond with S.E.T."  These tools have really helped me to calm my DD down when she's upset.  A big part of BPD is that the person suffering from it feels chronically misunderstood because their emotional reaction is so disproportionate from other people's reactions.  So learning to validate her feelings wherever you can may really help you.  Teaching this simple tool to your son may also help, but you'll have to wait until he's receptive.

Hang in there mother in law!  I'm glad you found us!

So healing spirit or anyone else the last episode was in a restaurant.  The adults were talking and gd was playing on the phone. We included her in the conversation,  she started saying she was bored and trying to get the attention on her self. She was told put the phone down and we will talk to her she refused the phone was taken off her and we started to talk again. She started to sulk got up on her knees turned her back and looked out the window.  Of course the atmosphere changes it is very uncomfortable and she has achieved what she wanted... .attention.  

Using SET how would you address this? What would you say and do both at the time and now after the event?

Much as I love her I really am loathe to take her again as we pay good money for her to spoil it!I  I can't decide if she is a spoiled brat, BPD in the making or totally screwed up by her mother! I will add that her mother is from a culture that indulges children till they are about 5 then it all changes.  Unfortunately it didn't for her and now her father sees the error of his ways wants to change it but she doesn't get it! !

I am happy to talk to her as she usually listens to me.

It sounds like your gd needs not only validation, but boundaries.  How can she get positive attention without being entitled to ruin everyone's dinner. 

My dd is ADHD and ODD, and needs rules and limits set.  I can give her empathy and gentleness, but need to stand strong in teaching her limits.  If my dd cannot behave appropriately, or purposely annoys others, she is not ready to engage in that activity and will stay home next time. Reality is a good friend.

Setting limits mainly involves dealing with our own guilt, and letting go of fear that results in enabling behaviors. 

All the best!

Oh, this is so frustrating!   


I'm not sure SET would have helped you in this scenario.  It isn't a cure-all.  That's for sure.  Sometimes ignoring the behavior you don't want and giving attention to the behavior you DO want helps.  But, in this situation, I think SET might have looked something like this... .

"I can understand why you're bored.  It's hard to go to a restaurant with a bunch of grown ups and we're probably not talking about anything you're interested in. I love you and I'd like to help you not be bored while we're here.  Is there something we can all talk about that would make you more interested in the conversation?  Would you like to play a game like 20 questions?" 

But, I can tell you, at that age, my DD would have preferred to be bored and stare out the window, concentrating on "how lame it is to sit here with all these boring people."  We would have left her at home with a sitter the next time.  UGH!


I don't blame you one bit for your reluctance to take her!  You didn't sign up to raise your GD and it isn't fair that you are in this position!  I think this is one of the biggest challenges we all face as parents of someone with BPD... .the possibility/probability that we will have to step in and help raise THEIR children.  And you poor thing!  Your son doesn't even have BPD. My heart goes out to you.

theplotthickens wrote:


This is an excellent point!  There is a balance between listening with empathy and letting them run everybody ragged trying to appease their emotions.  I agree, there needs to be limits on the behavior you will tolerate.  The question is HOW to set those limits.  It is different with everybody and every situation.