Hi Mother in law,
I'd like to join Pessim-optimist in welcoming you to our family.
You have asked some very good questions! Your son and GD are lucky to have your support. I agree with Pessim-optimist that learning as much as you can about BPD will help everybody, including you. As for sharing what you've learned to your son's "deaf ears," I sure understand how frustrating that is! What is it about men and asking for help anyway? (No wonder they won't ask for directions!
) I think Pessim has a good idea about this too... .wait until your son shares his troubles with you. THEN share pertinent facts and information with him.
She has however always been attention seeking , I have always put this down to being an only child and both parents who never told her to wait her turn! ! She is now 11 and the attention seeking hasn't really changed. She is hopeless at entertaining herself if out anywhere and she is bored and she lets the whole world know. ... And not in a nice way!
This certainly is one of the traits of BPD. And for a lot of us parents, we noticed traits in our BPD offspring very early. My DD is almost 18 now, but she was always highly sensitive and needed a lot of attention. We thought it was the "only child" thing too, but that wasn't the case, now that she's been diagnosed with BPD.
My exBPD dil has been out of control for the last 2 weeks and gd bears the brunt of this. She is with her mother from late Sunday to Thursday then With her father all weekend. When the BPD dil is of out of control the rages are fierce and would be very scary for anyone never mind a child. We have had to rescue gd on odd occasions.
How frightening and sad for you, and it must be so awful to watch your poor GD go through this!
Sometimes I think the behavior is just copying her mother, sometimes I wonder if she is another BPD in the making and sometimes I think she is very traumatized from the rages. I do talk to her sometimes and tell her none of it is her fault.
Could be. As my therapist says, the "diagnosis" isn't as important as treating the symptoms. In any case, she is so lucky to have your stable, loving voice!
When we talk to gd we stress using words not anger, how we become happy, that we love her, ringing us if she has a problem but how do we stop or reduce the sulky moods?
Uh oh. I hate to say it, but at age 11, your GD may be entering puberty and those sulky moods may be around for a while. My DD turned moody and Goth overnight around the same age. It had nothing to do with divorce or trauma. (DH and I are happily married since before she was born.) She died her honey-blonde hair black and wore nothing but black clothing and heavy black eye liner for several years. She is FINALLY coming out of that stage, so it doesn't last forever. What I'm saying is her moodiness may be quite normal.
I'm not sure what you've read here yet, but the treatment for BPD is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). I can tell you first-hand that typical "normal" parenting techniques do not work on kids w BPD, so you would do well to learn the DBT techniques to help your GD learn to regulate her emotions. I wish I'd known about DBT when my DD hit puberty.
I have found the tools to the right of this board to be particularly helpful. ---------------->
If you haven't read these already, check out "Validating" and "Respond with S.E.T." These tools have really helped me to calm my DD down when she's upset. A big part of BPD is that the person suffering from it feels chronically misunderstood because their emotional reaction is so disproportionate from other people's reactions. So learning to validate her feelings wherever you can may really help you. Teaching this simple tool to your son may also help, but you'll have to wait until he's receptive.
Hang in there mother in law! I'm glad you found us!
