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You know what?  I think I could get over leaving my exNPD if not for one thing... .I miss the sex.  I really really miss the sex.

It was fun, it was hot, it was intense.  I feel so shallow for saying that, but it's true.  I don't know if I could find sex that good with a "normal" person.  There was intensity and longing and what "felt" like a deep spiritual connection.

This is what made it feel like we were "meant" for each other.

I don't know how to get past that feeling with normal sex now.  There was nothing super kinky about it.  It was straight up amazing sex.  Gazing into each others eyes feeling like the only two people in the world.  Many times after "normal" sex, I cry myself to sleep afterwards.  It's an awful feeling.

I try to tell myself the sex is not worth all the drama but sometimes I wonder.  He never kicked me out, I rejected him due to too many red flags.

How do you give that up?  How do you get over the intense longing for the physical connection?

I can't really relate, since mine had an aversion to sex. But, even if the sex was ridiculously good, I dislike her enough that I'd rather sleep with anyone over her. Nothing wrong with missing the sex. You can always improve on your sex life with anyone though, if you have good communication and ask for what you want. They are good actors, so I'm not surprised that the sex was good.

I agree. Part of the intensity was the trauma bonding, after chaotic toxic behavior on his part, in our recycles.

When he would focus on me, especially after such outrageous behavior, and offer what appeared to be authentic amends... .It was intense and validating. Especially while learning *what* terms my ex uBPDbf was dishing.

It was some of the best I've had with someone, and I've been dating 20+ years. Playful, creative, passionate... .yeah who wouldn't want that to share intimacy with?

I did shut down sexually for a month or two towards the finish of our relationship. He was not respecting a very basic emotional need, and I didn't trust him. With reason. I found out this month from his truthful sister (thank you sister) that he was cheating on me, and my gut did not believe the lies the told me, upon direct question.

Sex can be a tricky thing for many reasons. Sometimes we're turned on by stuff that is not logical, moral or ethical. For example, how confusing is it to miss intimacy with someone who's betrayed you, or who was a roller coaster emotionally. Removing self judgment from my thoughts helps.

Guess it's part of observing ourselves healing through it. Thank you for sharing this!

Caprice,

Same here, you just (unknowingly) described my former sex life with my uBPDstbxh  lol

The thing I keep in mind though is that even though it was amazing from the start, we still had to teach each other what we liked and disliked and so we established our own routines, so I might be able to do that with somebody else given enough time.

Mind you, I'm in the middle of the divorce right now and I'm not even able to think of another relationship.

I did have amazing sex with 'nons' during my younger years, with the gazing in each others eyes stuff, so it IS possible. But it might also depend on how much of yourself you give in a sexual relationship. From the different sexual encounters I've had in my younger years, most of the time I created this 'just-the-two-of-us' situation by giving myself totally to the other person. It might just be that you haven't come across the right person yet?

I found that my male uBPDbf certainly knew his way around a woman's body, which was gratifying short term, but it didn't feel right.  I then realised I felt like a was watching a show, taking part in a spectator sport.    

He made a big deal of how it was all about MY pleasure, etc etc, how pleasuring me gave him pleasure.  I tend to prefer a mutual exchange.  When it came to trying to give him any pleasure his insecurities came to the fore, he couldn't relax, he had problems maintaining an erection, which in turn made me feel I was wasting my time.

He always harped on about how his ex's thought he was the best lover they'd ever had, (my cue to agree and I couldn't), so I can only assume they were very selfish, lol.  He even told me how his last supply had offered to pay him to continue having sex with her rather than break up with her.     He said he "didn't feel anything like he did with me, he felt like a male whore."  Now if he is all about how the woman feels, that he gets his pleasure from giving pleasure, and she loved it so much she was even offering to pay, then why did he not continue having sex with her?

I miss sex but don't miss sex with my exs.

Yes at first it was great but then after a while when all the initial wonderful feelings started to fade I started to see it as something else.

The intensity was still there but I began to realise that it wasn't the mutual experience that I once thought it was. It was all about their needs. I began to feel like an object that was purely their for them to satisfy their needs.

The more I felt like this the more obvious it became.

I enjoy giving a woman pleasure but after they've had their fun its normally returned. With my exs though it was as if I was being rewarded for doing a good job and not because they wanted to pleasure me. I felt like a dog being given a treat and a pat on the head for doing a trick. It probably didn't help that sex was always when they wanted it and not when I wanted it.

Exactly.  IT was heady stuff.  Having someone so in tune with my needs.  And he loved giving me pleasure.

In my case though, there was a constant power struggle which made it fun.  If I tried to take over and go on top, he would allow it for only so long then flip me over again to have his way.  

It worked for us... .really well... .but when you mentioned it was like watching a show... .I try to remember it was sometimes like a competition for him... .how many orgasms could he give me THIS time?  How many rooms in the house could we make out in?  How many different positions?

I think I would've gotten tired of it.  At least I try to think I would've.  But I got out too soon... .and I never got over the infatuation.

Sex, like a lot of things in a r/s with a pwBPD, comes with strings attached, in my view.

For me, the price was too high.

There are other fish in the sea, without BPD.

LuckyJim

Caprice,

Yes exactly and multiply it by 1000. That was us, marathon amazing sex everyday many times a day! My vag was convulsing from withdrawal!

My suggestion is to visit the local big girl toy store, light some candles, take a long bath if possible throw on some sexy music and take care of it yourself!

I still feel my body going through withdrawal from going from the most intense, passionate, consistent sex of my life, to a complete stop, or nothing.   It's been 3 weeks.   One my biggest fears is that I'll also never find that insane physical connection again.   What I'm hoping I'll eventually realize with more space and time is this is possible again, just not in the same emotionally volatile relationship (which probably fueld such aggression or "passion" in the bedroom).   I'm definitely not in the clear though.   And I'm trying to not just go and sleep with someone new to fill the space that is now empty, I dont think that will help me with this period of growth and learning.

I feel for you though, believe me.

Yes, sadly familiar, and like Lucky Jim say's it's not worth the price. 

For me I think the price was that I was supposed to like the sex so much I would ignore the other rubbish.  And if I was the selfish, mean cow that he accused me of being then I could have considered a few more rounds in the bedroom with him.

In terms of returning the pleasure I'd probably get more response from a sex toy, at least it wouldn't be fake!

ROFL!   :) :) :)

That works but it's not the same.  When you say you convulse just from withdrawal... That's me.  Just thinking about it and it starts.  We had our own rhythm... .that worked... .that really really worked... .Each and every time.  :)ammit.

If I didn't have kids to think of, I would be with him in a sex filled orgy.  Sad but true how quickly you can throw your life away for amazing sex!

So when he starts to try the recycle, I have a hard time blaiming him because I want it too.  :)esperately at times.

Caprice,

You said your ex is far?

Has already been with another since you?

Throws it in your face!



Try to not think and obsess about it! Many of us experience this, and are withdrawing or giving in!

Giving in includes going back to hell for some heaven and starting recovery again. Step back from everything mentally for a bit and examine all the crap that goes with it!

I'm sorry my ex had the magic stick from heaven but toys with only good memories beat the mental cruelty of what comes with his magic!

Don't forget the batteries!

I wonder if it has something to do with when you get out of the r/s, which stage.  Because for us it was so amazing in the beginning, I felt like something had awoken in me that I thought was long gone!  THAT was so addictive!  The passion slowed some but it was still amazing throughout the first year.  But then things began to change, his control and possessiveness became outrageous and my body shut down.  I began to avoid sex, hoping he'd just want to go to sleep.  It became a chore I did to please him but wasn't getting much out of it.  I could still orgasm but without passion.  And it wasn't because he wasn't doing what he needed to technically.  Nothing technically had changed.  I think it was my way of trying to hang on to some form of control over my own body as he was trying to engulf me.  I didn't realise it at the time though, just assumed it was something wrong with me that needed to be 'fixed'.  

The blessing is that because I had the amazing part in the beginning, I know that my body is not dead and it gives me hope for the future.  When I was younger, I did have amazing sex with nons so it is possible!

I don't miss the sex. It was only good when she let me go, but most of the time there was this attitude:

-We do this because that's what couples do.

-Thís is the part where I get to climax. I am entitled to climax, do you have a problem with that?

-This is the part where you can do your thing, but you know it's just for you don't you? Don't take too long, ok?

I tried to compliment her, and as a result she thought we had a super sex life.

She sometimes  joked about being an "egoist in bed", admitting that giving pleasure doesn't her on, it only bores her.

Wow that must have been horrible! I would miss that either!

We had the perfect connect intimately, the sex wild, passionate and completely pleasing for both.

I did notice towards the end that he was using it as a tool for more head ( sorry about the pun!) games, but that was one area that he met his match. Sex was our safe place and he was changing up the rules again. It gave me more power to end it and prove I don't even need him for that anymore. We were together 9 months! He was not a good lover when I met him. I taught him what I liked and wanted to know what he liked. We made it amazing by learning what pleased us. I will teach the next the same way to please me and learn about them when the time is right! For right now, there are no real flesh magic sticks allowed near me. I need time to mentally heal.

We recycled for the sex that we both craved from each other. No doubt in my mind, plus I loved him and my fairy tale relationship that existed in my mind! I never thought of a future because of our toxic fights. He was mr right now at that time.

Sex was amazing with her. Yes. Objectively nothing kinky or wow! but amazing. It got to the amazing level over time say after a month or two. Now that I look back I can see clearly that the arousal was more psychological. That intensity was in me - It's just that she enabled it to come out. She had no boundaries, made me feel super comfortable, wanted, needed and accepted me the way I was and that pure child energy hidden in me was activated through her within a month or two. This level of trust normally takes a year or two to develop between two people. And for a good reason as we all have found out, because after my inner child was activated she battered it... .But great sex is not something that only a BPD can offer. Here's what I mean. I posted this somewhere else a couple of days ago... .

I am lucky in having had a healthy rs with a woman for a few years in my early 20s. I had to break it off as I had to move overseas. At any rate, when we first started dating with my 'healthy' gf it was all sort of normal (which now sounds like a good thing doesnt it?), kind of pleasant but nothing crazy exciting or over the top. I remember that I was thinking of breaking up at the beginning (I guess I have a weak spot for over the top craziness :-). But for some reason I didn't, didn't have anything better to do I suppose and after 6-7 months I started having feelings for her. As the time passed the rs was getting better, the time we were spending together was longer and a lot more fun and also the sex and the intensity was getting better and better. She was getting more comfortable and intimate and so was I. Then after year 1 the rs physical and emotional got to an AMAZING level based on trust, true connection and intimacy. And it stayed like that for years until we broke it off. I am blessed to have had at least one good rs to be able to compare how that feels like and what one has to go through to build it.

My italian BPD lover was insatiable too.  Sending me private pics of his non-stop erections; videos of masturbating; constantly being aroused... .and the sex, WOW, was pulsating, passionate, and everywhere... .it was fun, enjoyable, and this was the only real time that I truly connected and felt it was the real him.  I echo the same, though, mentioned in an earlier post - he would NEVER relax with me.  I would wish to reciprocate and all he could ever do was climax after intercourse.  Never any other way.  EVER.  it was annoying, to be honest - and whenever his thinking would happen, he wouldn't be able to finish.  The sex initially, when I did live with him for two months, was DAILY - and often... .it was insanity, to b ehonest.  I should have known then.  THEN - he started accusing ME that he was my 'boy toy" and that I was the one using HIM?  WOW.  I couldn't even do my work without him being all over me - yes, he is my boy toy but sent me the daily kaak pics; masturbation videos; sexts... .idiot. 

whoever said having good memories with a battery-operated penis - I"m all in for that !       

I really, really miss the sex.  It was out of this world.  I've slept with three girls and messed around with a few others since the breakup and none have even come close.  I both cared for her deeply and found her incredibly attractive and sexual.  We explored things I never thought I would do with a woman, but not super-kinky.  Like Caprice said, it was what felt like a very, very intimate connection.  When she would climax she would literally shake and hold me so closely and tell me she wanted to be with me forever. 

It's also interesting what pwBPD will make you want to do.  Before we first had sex she disclosed to me she was positive for a certain uncomfortable but not life-threatening STD (and I am negative) but I didn't care.  I took the risk and dove in.  I don't think I would have done this with another woman.  It is nice to no longer worry about transmission, but the sex was so incredible I didn't care about the risk. 

Normally I wouldn't go into so much graphic detail, but given the other posters here I will give a male perspective.  With some of the girls I've been with since my ex, I've had trouble performing (this is generally after drinking).  With my ex I was always hard as a rock and ready to go.  I worry that in the future females won't live up to my experiences with her and I won't be able to perform.   That said, I do believe truly great sex comes from an emotional place, and when I find an emotionally healthy woman the sex will be there and I will be able to move on.  Until then, I do have all of our "home videos" I can't bring myself to delete, but right next to them I have screenshots of the most horrible things she said to me over text to remind myself why I can never go back... .

It was wonderful, close, and loved the all nighters... .sometimes. ... .When he moved in, there were days I just wanted to go to sleep. He was constantly grabbing my boobs as soon as I crawled into bed. Then it was,  take that d$%# thing off, I want you naked. I felt I had to perform in some way towards the end, or I wouldn't be given the privilege of sleep.  It became exhausting.

Sleep was never a priority in our bed because we both loved the intensity and passion of us together. If somebody even moved in our sleep the other would star right up again. Animals we were!

Now it me and my battery loaded friends, totally different party in my bed, but I don't have to deal with all of the other bs anymore!

So just how long until the carpel tunnel sets in?

Ditto.

It's funny because I recently tried to hook up with someone who looked like her. Different race but general look was roughly the same. Probably a "she's my type" thing.

My BPDEx and I used to do a few kinky things but even though we didn't have sex as much as I'd have liked. Most times it was good and she'd be really sweet, or would make me laugh during sometimes. Funny thing though, when she was off her birth control we were kind of having more and more sex, she was initiating with me more often, and seemed to often want to "take advantage of me." Sadly by then I was going through a really bad depression and although I performed, and got her where she needed to go (I think,) I just didn't think about it much.

I always wanted to hold her afterwards, but she had body issues and didn't like being naked unless we were at it. Also touching and cuddling after sex with her, just made me want to go again. But she was so insecure about her figure that when we were done she didn't like being touched. So I often had to back off, let her take a breather so she could feel better. I felt unfulfilled.

I hooked up with a stranger (who was really nice to me from the get-go,) and although fun in a very dirty, and sleazy way, at parts of the night I thought about my ex. I thought that partying might have brought us closer. Chances are, there just would have been drama.

Yeah, so I miss the sex. I miss a ton of other things too. But she's never coming back and all I could do is find someone who I'm similarly attracted to, but someone who's normal. Normal women scare me though, I always get this feeling I'm invisible to them even when they're looking right at me.

When we met, my ex had not been able to have intercourse for about 10 years due to vaginimus. She had been with other guys including a 2 year relationship when we met but they did everything but THAT. She had even been to a sex therapist about it. Within 3 weeks we were able to do it and to her that meant that I was "the one"

Even though the sex was "technically" not great. Nothing kinky and just one position etc, the connection I felt was out of this world. I've never felt what I did with her with anyone else. We could just hold each other naked in bed for hours and it felt better than the best sex I've had with other women. With other women it can often get a bit irritating when they breathe on you as they slept, with her I use to position myself so that I could inhale her breath, that's how close I felt to her. When I came she used to adore it if I was looking into her eyes and telling her that I loved her. The depth of connection was so special and not like the sex I've ever had before.

I've had sex since and its not in the same league. I've resigned myself to the fact that I may never make love like that again but who knows?

Hi All,

Some great responses that I can totally relate to.  Trying to remember that the sex is not worth all the drama but then every once in awhile I start thinking... .WELL there really wasn't THAT much drama.  Geez woman get your head together.  I'm sure eventually the intoxication would've worn off... .maybe?

But this is the article I always read when I start craving him.  It helps... .but is it possible to get amazing chemistry and amazing compatibility.  Most seem to think you can find good sex but it won't ever be the same.

www.markmanson.net/compatibility-and-chemistry/

Caprice

I enjoyed that article, thanks!  It is so true and the part that stood out to me:

"The most important aspect is understanding what you want — what makes a person compatible to you, what personality traits have chemistry with you? The first question I ask everyone I work with is “What do you want?” It’s crucial you know. You need to know what you like and what you want in a partner. If you don’t, then you need to cautiously gain enough experience until you do know."

I think this is why we end up with these crazy r/ss. Whether it be low self esteem, unresolved issues from our FOO, we are not clear about what it is we really value.  And we get caught up in the chemistry!  I'm still trying to figure it out!  My ex and I were very compatible in the beginning with loads of chemistry until the abuse started.  I am now just realising that his abuse was representative of his value system!  I made so many excuses.  I was in such denial. 

Love is the ultimate sex toy, and I think that's doubly true of women. If sex isn't as good as it was with your BPDx, I might suggest that you aren't really that much in love with your partner.

Give it time. If you find the right person, I think you'll find more satisfaction with sex.

I found this somewhere and I thought it was interesting. "Researchers have found that after six months, attachment decreases by about 27 per cent. For those of us struggling with traumatic bonding, time really is a healer." Give it 12 months and we should all be back on track!

Here's the study:

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8193053

Gives me hope!

Thanks Caprice, that was so funny and true! I totally relate and had a great load chuckle out of it!


Pinto,

Please notice that survey is only tested on 75 people. That does not represent the majority and we all heal differently and depending how long the relationship lasted, if we are n/c or l/c, how mentally capable we are at that moment. Way too many factors to really accept this general survey. There really is no time, except when it is the right time for each individual person. Until we decide that we are working on us and not questioning the relationship anymore, the healing clock is at a standstill! When we love ourselves to go forward with us and our love for ourselves, time starts to tick!

Absolutely!

Bauie - this is what depresses me.  Choosing stability over chemistry.  Can it ever be so intense again?  I think part of it is the longing and bond that is created.  But I'm trying to get past the idea that it will never be that good again.  I've read lots of people settle for "good enough" sex because it doesn't have the drama associated with it.  But who wants that?

Caprice,

I believe it will happen again. Mine was a great lover because I showed him what I liked and he went with it and the passion and chem was off the hook. He was not the only great lover I have had and I am positive not the last. We just need a combo of stability with a fun and open minded person. Don't forget that they are like innocent children, risk takers and not fearful of the norms

We will find it again with somebody healthier!

I suppose my xwife could get her act together sexually on the "technical side", but what I really missed in those 20 years was genuine lust. She wasn't into it. She was into her own idea of sex and romance and too often I just got in the way, and she was not beyond letting me know - in bed if she had a bad day.

I had a few partners before my xwife and I noticed a difference. All the other girls were sexual and aroused in a way that made me feel included. With my wife I always felt she was having something going on by herself.

I never got to touch her the way I wanted, she instructed me, took my hands and put them where she wanted them to be and showed me what to do. I remember it used to end in weird scenes where she was trying to physically place my hands where I didn't want to put them, and I was trying to hold back. Then she wondered why I was losing my erection. I was trying to explain to her gently that, you know... .you can't make all the decisions all of the time.

My wife didn't have the sexual abuse of promiscous background that many BPD people have. I was her first proper sex partner. I don't think she let our sex life evolve very much beyond girls room masturbation. I became a tool. A lot of the time she wanted the orgasm but she was very annoyed by having someone else there.

I asked her sometimes if "doing it on your own" could be an alternative if she didn't feel like cuddling (why not, really?), but she made it clear that it was something she was not going to do when she was in a relationship.

Actually, when she had a drink or two it happened that everything changed. All of a sudden she was not so guarded and she let me take the lead. Then she told how amazing that had been. She could focus on all kinds of sexual fantasies. That happened about three times a year. I miss that.

This made me laugh and also reminded me what a control freak mine was too. She 'd just control my hands, wouldn't let me get intimate with her down there, touch her or go down unless she was in a particular mood and if so very gently. Same thing with her breasts. She said they were very sensitive. And she couldn't climax unless she was on top. She always had to be in control and sex would happen only when she wanted. As you 'd expect - when I was with her in bed it felt as if I was sleeping with eggshels. I remember how much fun sex used to be with other women before her. With her it was intense and really exciting at the beginning but after a while it became repetitive and boring.

Mine would literally have had sex constantly. Never said no. Never accepted no. No eye contact or foreplay but she would literally have done anything I wanted. Never got wet and always wanted it very rough. Closed eyes throughout, disassociated. No idea what she was thinking.

I don't miss it now. It was weird.

Yours Camuse sounds like the Waif/Hermit

Mine was the Queen/Witch playing the Waif when her controlling acts wouldn't work. They usually did though. She was a very smart woman and a master of deceit and manipulation.

I felt this way about 3-6 months into NC w my ex. I used to be hard all the time with her and it would take 3 or 4 orgasms before physical exhaustion started to wear me down. Happy to say i had a night like that a week ago (9 months post breakup) with a woman that i was very attracted to. She is definitely not "healthy" though. I'm discovering self esteem issues, slight but definite idealization tendencies, ADD and medicated and there are a few other red flags. Point is, i'm aware of them now and don't need to make her out to be the next deep intimate partner. So good sex is out there, and even with eyes wide open. I read somewhere that we feel like this feeling of great sex is because of them, but it's just that they unlocked our uninhibited sensuality and made us feel wanted and sexy, and that it's really still in us when we have an open and brave heart. As time goes on i feel this is very true.

There is a loss of that innocent delusion that the other person is more special or important to us than they actually are, but this is a good thing, and makes way for the real things that you can find that turn you on, and if they aren't there, allow you to move on and experience another wonderful person's unique sexuality.

As i meet more women it becomes very clear that the really big problems happen when you let pleasing aspects of people (good sex, attention/adoration, common interests) blind you to really big issues (self esteem, financial stability, stable relationships, emotional responsibility, chronic victimhood) that they have that won't likely be addressed.

Doesn't mean you can't have fun hunting for landmines, just don't fall on (or for) any. :)

For me, sex got better when i truly started to understand how messed up my ex, and I was, and that i wasn't ready or looking for another serious relationship until i worked on a lot of stuff within myself. It took the pressure off, and let me get excited about the many, many, many, possibilities being single allows one. I can literally talk to anyone i find interesting. No guilt, no crazy jealous possessive gf to worry about whether a conversation or a new friendship would trigger a mental storm that would ruin days and take brutal tolls on my body and nerves. Freedom.

Also, a side note is that I realized how much i feared rejection. When i think about how easy she was to be with, that was really appealing to me. So now i try to talk to women i find super attractive, just because i can and to face fears of not being interesting, or good looking enough or whatever.

This really is a fantastic opportunity to become the person you've always wanted to be. Just realize it will take a lot of time, and focus and discomfort. Growth is brutal but rewarding, and it's horrible at first.

I feel kind of bad posting this because i know there's not really anything that anyone can say that will make you believe that the feeling of hopeless longing and extreme doubt that you'll ever have good sex again, until it happens, but getting out of your head and appreciating others is a huge step towards opening that door.

Sex with my BPD was awful. On the surface it was everything that many men would dream about but I felt like a monkey performing at a circus. Beneath the surface it was totally devoid of joy and intimacy. It was cold, forced and lonely. I'm glad I'll never have to have sex with her again.

Well I kinda feel like a buzz kill here, but sex wasn't all that great with exbfBPD--maybe I'm still in shock or denial, but it always felt like a performance, and except for a few times (among many) it felt almost robotic. This guy is younger and has a nice body, but it always felt like he was trying to impress me instead of "get lost in me." Like all other aspects of our relationship, it was about power and control. He couldn't orgasm unless he was being a battering ram: a one-trick pony, if you will. If I ever said or did anything particularly or uniquely seductive, he immediately switched to "you're a cheater, a former whore, or a perve" mode... .talk about a buzz kill! Like a lot of pwNPD, he seemed very auto erotic--loved taking pictures of his body parts and sending them to me but just wasn't very erotic when he was with me--especially toward the end of the r/s. Finally, realizing how "need" driven they are, he always was trying to lure me into situations where I "need" him. I'm a very sexual person, but I'm with Rifka--there are far safer and more satisfying ways to have an orgasm than feeling like I'm being lured in so he can control and manipulate me. Again, my woman's body knew better than my child's heart who fell head over heels for the needy waif boy. I always have been a sucker for weak and wounded strays. Thankfully, exbfBPD was the only rabid one and the only one who ever attempted to chew me to pieces, give me rabies, and throw me out on the street when he was done with me.

Xstatic, I completely agree. Long ago, I was told that pleasurable sex and getting turned on is 90% anticipation on our part--so, yes--sex with these guys is VERY mental in every sense of the word!

I read somewhere that we feel like this feeling of great sex is because of them, but it's just that they unlocked our uninhibited sensuality and made us feel wanted and sexy, and that it's really still in us when we have an open and brave heart. As time goes on i feel this is very true.

I've been with at least three women with BPD. While they talked a good talk and it all seemed open minded, liberated and confident I soon had the feeling that it was just a channel for their fear and trauma. I don't think they actually like sex and I could never feel comfortable with anyone like that. I go limp. Sex with my last BPD ex was horrible because I loved her and tried to be the man for her I thought she wanted me to be. The fact is I could never live up to it. I don't think anyone could. Sex with her was cold, lonely and ultimately very damaging. Like I said in my previous post here. I am so grateful that I will never have to have sex with her again.  

With both my exs the sex tapered off. I think it was because I withdrew due to the fact that it felt wrong. Not in a kinky way but in a way that it wasn't the mutual and loving experience but something that was needed by my exs for their own selfish needs.

As both my uBPD exs account for 16 1/2 years of my adult life and before that I was young free and single happy not to commit I worry. I worry that maybe it is me. Maybe when I get into a relationship with a normal woman that the lovemaking will start to feel stale. I have not doubt that the passion will be there but worry that my appetite will fade.

I think sex like every aspect of a healthy relationship is like working on a long-term project. You got to constantly work on it, refine it, make changes etc. Then you have something nice. Automatic 'solutions' i.e. fairy tales and soulmates are what brought us all here. I really want to grow up.