I miss the sex

[caprice]

I've had sex since and its not in the same league. I've resigned myself to the fact that I may never make love like that again but who knows?

Bauie - this is what depresses me.  Choosing stability over chemistry.  Can it ever be so intense again?  I think part of it is the longing and bond that is created.  But I'm trying to get past the idea that it will never be that good again.  I've read lots of people settle for "good enough" sex because it doesn't have the drama associated with it.  But who wants that?

[Rifka]

I've had sex since and its not in the same league. I've resigned myself to the fact that I may never make love like that again but who knows?

Bauie - this is what depresses me.  Choosing stability over chemistry.  Can it ever be so intense again?  I think part of it is the longing and bond that is created.  But I'm trying to get past the idea that it will never be that good again.  I've read lots of people settle for "good enough" sex because it doesn't have the drama associated with it.  But who wants that?

Caprice,

I believe it will happen again. Mine was a great lover because I showed him what I liked and he went with it and the passion and chem was off the hook. He was not the only great lover I have had and I am positive not the last. We just need a combo of stability with a fun and open minded person. Don't forget that they are like innocent children, risk takers and not fearful of the norms

[Rifka]

We will find it again with somebody healthier!

[hergestridge]

I suppose my xwife could get her act together sexually on the "technical side", but what I really missed in those 20 years was genuine lust. She wasn't into it. She was into her own idea of sex and romance and too often I just got in the way, and she was not beyond letting me know - in bed if she had a bad day.

I had a few partners before my xwife and I noticed a difference. All the other girls were sexual and aroused in a way that made me feel included. With my wife I always felt she was having something going on by herself.

I never got to touch her the way I wanted, she instructed me, took my hands and put them where she wanted them to be and showed me what to do. I remember it used to end in weird scenes where she was trying to physically place my hands where I didn't want to put them, and I was trying to hold back. Then she wondered why I was losing my erection. I was trying to explain to her gently that, you know... .you can't make all the decisions all of the time.

My wife didn't have the sexual abuse of promiscous background that many BPD people have. I was her first proper sex partner. I don't think she let our sex life evolve very much beyond girls room masturbation. I became a tool. A lot of the time she wanted the orgasm but she was very annoyed by having someone else there.

I asked her sometimes if "doing it on your own" could be an alternative if she didn't feel like cuddling (why not, really?), but she made it clear that it was something she was not going to do when she was in a relationship.

Actually, when she had a drink or two it happened that everything changed. All of a sudden she was not so guarded and she let me take the lead. Then she told how amazing that had been. She could focus on all kinds of sexual fantasies. That happened about three times a year. I miss that.

[freedom33]

I never got to touch her the way I wanted, she instructed me, took my hands and put them where she wanted them to be and showed me what to do. I remember it used to end in weird scenes where she was trying to physically place my hands where I didn't want to put them, and I was trying to hold back. Then she wondered why I was losing my erection. I was trying to explain to her gently that, you know... .you can't make all the decisions all of the time.

This made me laugh and also reminded me what a control freak mine was too. She 'd just control my hands, wouldn't let me get intimate with her down there, touch her or go down unless she was in a particular mood and if so very gently. Same thing with her breasts. She said they were very sensitive. And she couldn't climax unless she was on top. She always had to be in control and sex would happen only when she wanted. As you 'd expect - when I was with her in bed it felt as if I was sleeping with eggshels. I remember how much fun sex used to be with other women before her. With her it was intense and really exciting at the beginning but after a while it became repetitive and boring.

[camuse]

Mine would literally have had sex constantly. Never said no. Never accepted no. No eye contact or foreplay but she would literally have done anything I wanted. Never got wet and always wanted it very rough. Closed eyes throughout, disassociated. No idea what she was thinking.

I don't miss it now. It was weird.

[freedom33]

Yours Camuse sounds like the Waif/Hermit

Mine was the Queen/Witch playing the Waif when her controlling acts wouldn't work. They usually did though. She was a very smart woman and a master of deceit and manipulation.

[Xstaticaddict]

With my ex I was always hard as a rock and ready to go.  I worry that in the future females won't live up to my experiences with her and I won't be able to perform.   

I felt this way about 3-6 months into NC w my ex. I used to be hard all the time with her and it would take 3 or 4 orgasms before physical exhaustion started to wear me down. Happy to say i had a night like that a week ago (9 months post breakup) with a woman that i was very attracted to. She is definitely not "healthy" though. I'm discovering self esteem issues, slight but definite idealization tendencies, ADD and medicated and there are a few other red flags. Point is, i'm aware of them now and don't need to make her out to be the next deep intimate partner. So good sex is out there, and even with eyes wide open. I read somewhere that we feel like this feeling of great sex is because of them, but it's just that they unlocked our uninhibited sensuality and made us feel wanted and sexy, and that it's really still in us when we have an open and brave heart. As time goes on i feel this is very true.

There is a loss of that innocent delusion that the other person is more special or important to us than they actually are, but this is a good thing, and makes way for the real things that you can find that turn you on, and if they aren't there, allow you to move on and experience another wonderful person's unique sexuality.

As i meet more women it becomes very clear that the really big problems happen when you let pleasing aspects of people (good sex, attention/adoration, common interests) blind you to really big issues (self esteem, financial stability, stable relationships, emotional responsibility, chronic victimhood) that they have that won't likely be addressed.

Doesn't mean you can't have fun hunting for landmines, just don't fall on (or for) any.

For me, sex got better when i truly started to understand how messed up my ex, and I was, and that i wasn't ready or looking for another serious relationship until i worked on a lot of stuff within myself. It took the pressure off, and let me get excited about the many, many, many, possibilities being single allows one. I can literally talk to anyone i find interesting. No guilt, no crazy jealous possessive gf to worry about whether a conversation or a new friendship would trigger a mental storm that would ruin days and take brutal tolls on my body and nerves. Freedom.

Also, a side note is that I realized how much i feared rejection. When i think about how easy she was to be with, that was really appealing to me. So now i try to talk to women i find super attractive, just because i can and to face fears of not being interesting, or good looking enough or whatever.

This really is a fantastic opportunity to become the person you've always wanted to be. Just realize it will take a lot of time, and focus and discomfort. Growth is brutal but rewarding, and it's horrible at first.

I feel kind of bad posting this because i know there's not really anything that anyone can say that will make you believe that the feeling of hopeless longing and extreme doubt that you'll ever have good sex again, until it happens, but getting out of your head and appreciating others is a huge step towards opening that door.

[Mr Hollande]

Sex with my BPD was awful. On the surface it was everything that many men would dream about but I felt like a monkey performing at a circus. Beneath the surface it was totally devoid of joy and intimacy. It was cold, forced and lonely. I'm glad I'll never have to have sex with her again.

[Loveofhislife]

Well I kinda feel like a buzz kill here, but sex wasn't all that great with exbfBPD--maybe I'm still in shock or denial, but it always felt like a performance, and except for a few times (among many) it felt almost robotic. This guy is younger and has a nice body, but it always felt like he was trying to impress me instead of "get lost in me." Like all other aspects of our relationship, it was about power and control. He couldn't orgasm unless he was being a battering ram: a one-trick pony, if you will. If I ever said or did anything particularly or uniquely seductive, he immediately switched to "you're a cheater, a former whore, or a perve" mode... .talk about a buzz kill! Like a lot of pwNPD, he seemed very auto erotic--loved taking pictures of his body parts and sending them to me but just wasn't very erotic when he was with me--especially toward the end of the r/s. Finally, realizing how "need" driven they are, he always was trying to lure me into situations where I "need" him. I'm a very sexual person, but I'm with Rifka--there are far safer and more satisfying ways to have an orgasm than feeling like I'm being lured in so he can control and manipulate me. Again, my woman's body knew better than my child's heart who fell head over heels for the needy waif boy. I always have been a sucker for weak and wounded strays. Thankfully, exbfBPD was the only rabid one and the only one who ever attempted to chew me to pieces, give me rabies, and throw me out on the street when he was done with me.

[Loveofhislife]

Xstatic, I completely agree. Long ago, I was told that pleasurable sex and getting turned on is 90% anticipation on our part--so, yes--sex with these guys is VERY mental in every sense of the word!

I read somewhere that we feel like this feeling of great sex is because of them, but it's just that they unlocked our uninhibited sensuality and made us feel wanted and sexy, and that it's really still in us when we have an open and brave heart. As time goes on i feel this is very true.

[Mr Hollande]

I've been with at least three women with BPD. While they talked a good talk and it all seemed open minded, liberated and confident I soon had the feeling that it was just a channel for their fear and trauma. I don't think they actually like sex and I could never feel comfortable with anyone like that. I go limp. Sex with my last BPD ex was horrible because I loved her and tried to be the man for her I thought she wanted me to be. The fact is I could never live up to it. I don't think anyone could. Sex with her was cold, lonely and ultimately very damaging. Like I said in my previous post here. I am so grateful that I will never have to have sex with her again.  

[enlighten me]

With both my exs the sex tapered off. I think it was because I withdrew due to the fact that it felt wrong. Not in a kinky way but in a way that it wasn't the mutual and loving experience but something that was needed by my exs for their own selfish needs.

As both my uBPD exs account for 16 1/2 years of my adult life and before that I was young free and single happy not to commit I worry. I worry that maybe it is me. Maybe when I get into a relationship with a normal woman that the lovemaking will start to feel stale. I have not doubt that the passion will be there but worry that my appetite will fade.

[freedom33]

I have not doubt that the passion will be there but worry that my appetite will fade.

I think sex like every aspect of a healthy relationship is like working on a long-term project. You got to constantly work on it, refine it, make changes etc. Then you have something nice. Automatic 'solutions' i.e. fairy tales and soulmates are what brought us all here. I really want to grow up.