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So lately I have been seeing exBPD on my facebook newsfeed share photos with quotes about being a country girl. The new supply is a country boy, drives a truck, hunts, wears camo, etc. Basically everything that I'm not. None of that stuff matters to me and didn't really matter to her that much during our 3 years together.

This particular photo in question said:

"Some people just don't understand why bearded, beer drinking, deer hunting, truck driving, camouflage wearing men turn us country girls on".

Although she has admitted to cheating on me, she has said that he is just a friend, and she is not in a relationship with him. There have been many of these "country boy/country girl" patronizing type posts from her on a daily basis lately. She's friends with new supply and knows that he sees this stuff, he has even "liked" some of them.

Now what I'm wondering. Is this a way of her mirroring and projecting onto the replacement? Kind of like she's mirroring and projecting the life style traits of the new supply likes back to him through social media. Kind of interesting that she never cared about these things too much in the past. I guess she found a camo wearing "country boy" for her next victim and now she's all about being a "country girl". Even though they aren't in a relationship at this time, she knows that I'm leaving very soon. Is this her way of reeling him in through mirroring and projection? And even maybe at the same time rubbing my nose in it, haha. The more I see, the more interesting this disorder is to watch it play out. Just too bad that I'm the non involved, lol... .

Yes yes and yes. Mine did the exact same thing. Said he was a friend but was into stuff she never was when I was with her. After being with her for almost 2 years, since meeting him she likes comics, wrestling, country, football, and baseball. To her respect she liked country while with me but I loove football and she fell asleep during every game. Now she has team gear and everything. I love seeing everything from the outside. It makes the healing process so much easier  :)

It's interesting how they flip from liking the things you like, then seemingly over night they like the things that the new supply likes who is the total opposite of you. I wonder if they all do this to an extent during the idealization phase? It kind of adds to the, "did they ever love me/why were they with me if we were so different?" It seems that they aren't looking for a person with a certain type of lifestyle or things in common. To me they are looking for a certain emotional characteristics or personality type that they can manipulate easily. An easy target, so to speak. But, I kind of realize that they have to put on a different mask with every new supply, like a chameleon. Someone that is healthy emotionally would probably see the red flags and warning signs and proceed cautiously with a BPD.

It reminds me of when my kids would be in a store around Halloween, trying on different masks, saying, "Maybe I'll be a princess. Maybe I'll be a raccoon. Maybe I'll be a pirate. Maybe I'll be a... ."

I wonder what my replacement is? Oh yeah, he's a gotta be a "country boy", because on this cycle she's a "country girl", lol... .

My exBPDw didn't mirror the things I liked, quite often she would mock them but the mocking got worse as time went on, she was barely hiding her disgust for my hobbies and tastes in the initial stages. What she DID do was deliberately (and now I look back on it she even told me she was doing it) try to fill the holes in my cravings that I hadn't had as a child or in other relationships. She made huge efforts to fulfill my emotional and sexual needs and at the time I thought I'd found heaven of course before long the entire effort was thrown in my face once the adoration faded out.

Yes this is total mirroring.  My advice is to do your best to stay away from social media for a while or at least block her feed it is just torture.

Agree, I've blocked mine from everywhere but one thing I'm really thankful for, and maybe its because im further on in my healing, is that I truly don't have any curiosity to know what she is doing and with whom. As long as she is far away from me and I am able to get on with my life, then she can do what she wants. Infact, if she has someone else in the snare, I feel sorry for them, but just thank god its not me and her attention is diverted!

So by her posting things like this on a daily basis:

"Some people just don't understand why bearded, beer drinking, deer hunting, truck driving, camouflage wearing men turn us country girls on".

And new supply is a "country boy", she is just wanting him to see it and make him think that "he's the one" she's looking for to reel him in to her? Or is it for me to see just to spite me? I guess it could be a bit of both. I'm not really worried about seeing it on her feed, I kind of find it interesting at this point.

I hate to break it to you but at this stage I don't think she cares about you. It sounds like she has a new supply and you are out of the picture. I think you should be focusing on yourself right now and not her. Try and move on with your life and forget about her. It seems like the toughest thing to do but it is also the greatest you can do for yourself. Detach, heal and learn from this.

The reason I knew my ex was grooming new supply was that he suddenly started supporting a political party that represented the polar opposite to what he claimed he supported when he was with me. So whoever he was after, I know how they voted. I also know they like gardening, floristry and jewellery making. Guess what his new Facebook likes are?

I agree with freedom on this, best thing to do now is begin to deal with the issues that caused this relationship to happen in the first place. I would disagree with no longer looking, I think part of the healing process is being able to see this stuff and understand it, and even laugh.

Notice she said she was a 'country girl', so this is a new persona. Its a new way for her to explore her battered psyche. BPD's hate boredom, they hate being alone, they hate being rejected, so for her this is a new way not to be alone, not to be bored and 'hopefully' not be rejected - although she will make that happen. I'm just gonna point this out, this man has 'liked' this stuff, but how connected are they? Sometimes a BPD will idealize and idolize someone, but it doesn't mean that the guy is hooked yet. I've noticed on my BPD's facebook guys will pop up for a day and then vanish back into the ether. Usually its people she's encountered at parties. I think BPDs tend to get rejected far more than they get accepted.

It's not to spite you anyway, she literally doesn't want to be alone. She will do ANYTHING to have someone. She may not even like this guy, and is just saying it so he won't leave. One funny thing, my BPD told me she doesn't love her bf. Yet they're together! At the moment he's just a glorified taxi driver taking her home from parties - he doesn't even go to them yet still comes and picks her up.

Honestly, I get repulsed by her now. One day (maybe already) you'll feel that same way.

I mean, it does sting a little bit reading it. However, I want to understand it so that this doesn't happen again. Also, I kind of find the behavior patterns kind of interesting, but repulsive at the same time, if that makes any sense


Well to her credit, she has always been a little bit country, we live in the deep south. But now, since she's with the "county boy", she has gone over the top with this stuff. She posted one that said, "I'd rather a man take me fishing on the back of a four wheeler than go to a fancy dinner". A year ago, if I would have asked her to go fishing on the back of a four wheeler, she would have asked me if I was high on something then raged or ridiculed me. If she likes "country boys", why was she ever with me? That's why is was wondering if this was her way of mirroring an projection. I don't think this guy is hooked. I know they're screwing each other, but she says that they aren't in a relationship. But I think with me moving out soon, she's started to try to hook him with this patronizing behavior.

I have noticed what you say about not wanting to be bored or alone. She never could stay around the house, she always has to be on the road. She's put 90k miles on a 3 year old car that she bought new. As far as being alone, that's probably how this whole thing started. She quit her job and stopped taking her Zoloft. Since she quit her job, I started working extra hours to take up her slack from quitting her job and she was stuck at home alone doing nothing most of the day. I guess she found something to do with her new supply while I was working to pay her bills. So yes, I know all about alone and bored pwBPD.



She's probably told him lots of the same stuff that she told me at the beginning. I guess I could give him the heads up and let him know that he's getting played like a chump, just like I was played. Hahaha, just kidding.

Grooming is a good word for what's been going on with my soon to be ex BPDh. He developed a deep interest in Quakers and at the same time became passionate about anything Mexican. After he left our family home last year I presumed it was because the Mexican researcher he'd found funding for in his university department had materialised and she put pressure on him to leave me. Since then I've also discovered that his new found fascination with Quakerism was rooted in an affair with a leading Quaker spokeswoman. Apparently he'd had a long-abiding interest in the Quaker movement which he says he'd kept under wraps because he thought I would have disapproved. Well I certainly would have done if I'd known why! I now realise he was mirroring or grooming the new supplies, Mexican and Quaker, in their own needy ways. When we split he declared 'I'm not a philanderer' . It's taken therapy and many months of processing to come to the conclusion that this was indeed what he was... .so hard to get my head round though... .and in our 31 year marriage what were are all the other lies?

I met my ex-BPD-bf about 10 years ago. I'm British and she's American living in LA. We met online... .met for real outside a British pub in LA at 2am    Straight back to my place!   Two weeks later... .we were living together! She was a beautiful Asian American Anglophole that loved anything British... .music, food, Royalty, Formula 1, Football... .etc. We quickly were in love... .she already had a boy and a girl... .of course... .the son becomes an Arsenal Football Club fan and love British Formula 1 racing. The daughter becomes mad about the British boy bands! The ex-bf even uses English words when she speaks... .I like it... .we were perfect together... .al least... .that's what I thought!

Unfortunately... .good old FB would give away her latest cheating interests away. I was out of town a couple of years ago and she became a big fan of San Diego sports teams... .of course I accusers her... .and later I find out she was cheating with a guy from from SD.

In April of this year she runs off with a local drug dealer who she's now living with (I was blindsided) ... .thanks to everything now being online... .I know that she only listens to country music , her Netflix watching is only bad American movies. (no more Downton Abbey and no more English TV shows and films) She's smoking Camels... .just like her dealer does... (Idont smoke and she never did)... .and when she now writes to me she doesn't even sound like the same person using his "dealer/Fresno/hippy" words... .man!

Bottom line is... .the whole 10 years were fake. She wasn't interested in anything British... .she was only interested in what I was interested in. The whole thing wasn't real. Now... .after almost 10 years of worshiping me... .she honestly wouldn't flinch of I died tomorrow. Amazing... .I only found out about BPD afterwards... .and that's the shame of it. If I'd known I'd have been more sensitive and less arrogant Englishman! STILL... .I don't blame me. It's the illness... .she's sick and she needs help... .and I'm dating other girls so... .

I'm pretty certain she is mirroring and projecting the new supply. I talked to one of her 10 year long friends from work that she split black when she quit her job back in April. I asked her friend what kind of guys that my exBPD talked about and liked. She said that exBPD never really dated or had long relationships. Just usually got a few nights of sex and let them go. That would match up with exBPD telling me that "guys usually don't last more than 4 months with me".

I'm not even moved out yet and I can already tell that the new supply won't last long for her. He's 33 and she's pushing 41 and has let herself go in the past 6 months. But then again, she always told me that she liked fooling around with younger guys. I know she's sick, but the thought of her hopping from guy to guy being a human mattress makes me feel so sorry for her. I wonder if this guy has any clue of what he's in for? Or is he just happy that he's knee deep in her periwinkle for now. The funny part about it is that she isn't good in bed, just kind of lays there and doesn't even participate. Such a sad way to live.

I'm not trying to be ugly or funny. But does the word "___" apply to someone like this, who is sick in the head? Or does it apply to just mentally and emotionally healthy people that are promiscuous?

Its funny you bring up the country girl thing. When I first met my ex she was still married to a country boy, therefore she was putting on the act of a country girl of course. Hunting, fishing, guns, trucks, country music, cowboy boots, etc... .that was her thing. However when her and her husband separated she quickly became infatuated with me and I am far from a country boy... .in fact im quite the opposite. I dont like to label myself but I guess I have the stereotypical skateboarder imagine going on. I skate, surf, play guitar, listen to punk, im a vegetarian, don't drink, etc... .soon she began to take on my image and interests. She started buying the brands of clothes I wear, started listening to he music i listened to, quit drinking, became a vegetarian. She even wanted to learn to skateboard. I did seem quite odd to me and normally I would rip on someone who do what she did for being poser and a fake. But i was very depressed and lonely and i liked the attention. One thing led to another and we ended up in a romantic relationship. During the honeymoon phase she had put me up so high on a pedestal. After while it was starting to annoy me how much she was trying to be me. After things went sour and the devaluation started to occur she started changing and began to put all my interest down and started saying we dont have anything in common. Now that we are broken up she has taken on a more preppie appearance, has taken a liking to sports (soccer in particular when the world cup was going on), having and interest in craft beers and wine... .i guess this is all the things my replacement is into. Its kinda sad watching her be someone she's not. But borderlines have no identity from what i hear and its always going to be this way for her.

Fred, I know I have posted before on this topic. It was so very hard for me to comprehend.  I always knew that he was smitten with someone else,  and it hurt like hell.  And silly me would try to regain his attention. We went from buying a Harley,  and all the clothing that went with it, to Mr. Health,  with the Nutribullet and the rowing machine in the living room. You already know who replaced you without a word from them. I so do not miss that complete insanity.

It is interesting watching the FB posts.

Todays post of the day goes:

"Someday,

everything will

make perfect

sense. So for now,

laugh at the

confusion, smile

through the tears,

and keep reminding

yourself that

everything happens

for God's reason."

I'm convinced that she either posts these for either me or her to read. Who is she trying to convince of this non sense?

My take, is that everything happens for a reason. But those reasons aren't always good. The reason in this situation is that you are crazy, hurt people, and spread your legs for random dudes.

From her perspective, I guess she is saying that God made her "this way" and "that's who I am". So it's Ok to lie, cheat, steal, and sneak around like a thief in the night. I can justify these actions.

Maybe she is trying to convince herself about the purpose of it all? It could be sheer wishful thinking in her desperation. pwBPD are really confused and are living through some serious hell 24/7. How do you think checking her facebook profile impacts you?

Like I said, it's kind of interesting seeing how this whole thing is playing out. At the same time, it kind of stings a bit, but not too bad. Hell, after sitting on her sofa watching her get all made up to go have sex and some of the things she's said to me(you were a mistake, you're worthless, I'm done with you forever), seeing her Facebook is nothing to worry about. I think that she'll eventually add new supply to the "In a relationship with" status and then de friend me and block me. Seems like now that I'm about out of the picture that she's grooming him to fill that role that I got fired from. That will probably get to me and be the final kick to the the nuts, so to speak. If she does do that though, I'll know she got personal with it. But hey, at least then you guys won't have to worry about me creeping on her facebook news feed, lol.

She's got to know that she's doing this stuff. I wonder if she's actually believing it or if she knows that it's all a scam?

Fred

Take care of you. Don't look at her social media. She is sick, has no sense of self and does not care at all about you. Just like mine.

It is all about them... .every minute of every day.

Stay away. Get well. Be you!... .love you... .and laugh... .because she can't be her! There is no her.   Must be horrible.

It saddens me reading about your situation fred and how well into this cycle of abuse you are in. It sounds like there might be a bit more way to go. I wish you well. As infared says take care of you if you can. It's tough but it's for the best

Thanks Infared, I know she's sick and I try not to take it personal. I won't say that she doesn't care at all about me at all. I think deep down once you get past all of the pain, selfishness, and other garbage that she's dealing with in her life that she does love me in her own ways. She hasn't had a long term relationship in a long time. Everyone I've talked to, her family, her friends, and even her, have told me that she either just dates guys for a little while(sex basically), or her relationships only last from 4-6 months. And her words are that, "most guys don't make it 4 months with me". So she just doesn't know how to be in a loving relationship other than sex.

The thing that intrigues and bothers me is that she can have casual meaningless sex with new guys so easily. But the longer we were together, the less and less that she would have sex with me. Just giving me some excuse about an exbf raping her and that "sex means nothing to her". Up until around the halfway point, about a year and a half. Even though she didn't really initiate or participate in sex, she pretty much gave it to me anytime I wanted it. It doesn't add up or make sense in my brain.

Thanks freedom. She seems different than the typical BPD. She's undiagnosed and I'm not even sure that is BPD. Many of the traits are there. I could be in denial, and now that I look back on her words and actions, there were red flags. But it all started when she quit her job and subsequently quit taking her Zoloft. It was all down hill from there to get to this point. She seems to be regressing to her old self. Messy house, sink filled with dirty dishes, getting behind on the bills.

The things I wonder are:

Why did I last so long with her in a relationship when the in the past 10 years she has only had sex partners or 4 month relationships?

Since we were together so long, will new supply burn out quickly like a rebound usually does or has she learned from the relationship with me on how to be in a longer term relationship?

Even though she doesn't have anything to do with her previous short term EXs, who were OK guys by all accounts, other than hers and I'm virtually certain that she won't recycle me. I still wonder will she try recycle since I've been her longest relationship in about 10 years or once I leave I'll just never see her again?

Did/does she have more feelings for me than the previous short term relationships since we were together so much longer?

One thing I dont really understand is, do pwBPD know they are doing this or is it on a subconcious level? For instance, when my exwBPD was taking on all of my interests and trying to become me, was she actually thinking "I better like what he likes to get him to like me"? The whole thing just seems so odd to me.

In my experience they don't think. They are just surviving minute by minute and doing whatever they feel they have to do to meet their needs. They are so consumed in this effort that there is simply no time to think of anyone else's. Pretty much like a very needy, orphaned four year old. Did you think of your parents needs when you were at that age? It is tough to accept this or even imagine it but this is how it is for them. On the other hand for some nons it is the opposite. Some of us are so consumed of thinking of everyone else's needs (and I am not saying this in an altruistic positive way to give ourselves a righteous pat in the back... .) just so we don't take a hard look at ourselves and avoid taking care of our needs.

I'd say it's all coming from a subconscious place, but absolutely some are conscious of it. It of course depends on the person and probably their maturity level.

I would think that the majority of diagnosed BPD are aware of their behaviors although they may not be able to control it well. For undiagnosed perhaps less awareness. I have a previous post where I found a conversation thread of pwBPD discussing mirroring, I'll try and find it. But what they were saying ranged from seeing it as a bad habit all the way to straight up relishing in being able to deceive people by appealing to their desires. From slight guilt to zero remorse. But these are people either diagnosed or at least aware they have BPD traits.

I would also think it depends on age, education and maturity. I think a 40 year old with 20 previous partners must have some sense of the idealization pattern say compared to an 18 year old with less experience.

In any case I think that this is probably just the norm for them so it's not a big deal it's just how they operate. They probably see it as quite normal even though the level of mirroring is much much higher than normal.

I should add that in my specific case I didn't see or feel mirroring as much as others. I know it had to be there but my ex and I had similar interests which made it easy to date, yet we also did different things and continued to do so throughout the rs. I learned some cool stuff from her and she from me. And after we broke up she was hell on wheels with men but I can't say she changed her whole persona up  much (from what I could tell with limited contact).

LOT of truth there Freedom. Rigorous honesty is more effective than T sometimes!  |iiii

I think that I used to resemble that guy.

And today's country thang Facebook share:

"I seriously

just wanna cuddle

up and watch an

old Disney movie with

hot chocolate and

ignore life and

everything"

Really? On my last day before moving out. Who the hell is this person that I've lived with for the past 3 years? Looks like these posts are her self fulfilling prophecy. As it says, she did ignore our life together and everything. Also, looks like she's living in a Disney cartoon "The 7 future boyfriends". This is some of the silliest sh!t that I've ever seen.

Yea fred6 agreed. To me its a video game called "Tragic Hero". I imagine the white knight fighting through a dungeon with hoards of monsters trying to save the princess. Only to get to the boss room and find that the same princess that beckoned his call is in fact the final boss. Suddenly his armor turns black and he must defeat the very thing he was trying to save in the first place. If thats not tragedy then idk what is...  

I was chatting with an old high school friend on Facebook last night. I briefly explained what has transpired with me. Her exact words to me were, "she sounds like a sociopath, I'm glad that you're out of that relationship".

So in laymans terms, what exactly is the difference between a pwBPD and a sociopath?

Your friend very likely means psychopath. The two are often mistaken for the same thing but they aren't. Psychopathy is a disorder one is born with. Sociopathy is a learned psychopathic behaviour some individuals may adopt for survival. For example some criminals may have learned to be callous and violent in order to survive a tough childhood or growing up in a rough area. Had it not been for that they probably would have grown up to be perfectly well adjusted people. A psychopath will be a menace regardless of background. A very close relative to psychopathy is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) which seems to be a common trait with BPD's as well. I'm quite sure my ex doesn't have the NPD streak in her but one of my best friends who suffered horribly in a 2 year r/s with a BPD said she also had NPD big time. While my ex showed remorse after most of her episodes his ex has an incredibly violent and sadistic personality and showed no remorse at all.

Today I was talking to my exBPD's future sister in law who she hates. She was telling me that before I came into the picture, that my exBPD's kids were always at her parents house and that she didn't know where exBPD was when she left her kids there. She told me that exBPD only started doing things with her kids when she started r/s with me. Wonder what that's all about? Kind of intresting. I find out new things everyday, lol.

Wow, she's starting to go ultra nutty with her mirroring her new supply with FB shares. I want to comment on them so badly. I would love to say, "Country girl? Since when did you become a country girl? That's too funny!" or "Just because you own a 4 wheeler that you rarely ride and drink Michelob ultra, doesn't make you a country girl, lol".

Would that be considered breaking NC? Thinking long term, it might be good because I would probably be instantly de-friended and blocked. We can't have the replacement getting any clue that she ain't her self proclaimed "country girl", lmao... .

noo! don't. resist the urge--this is what you *deserve* to be saying, no doubt. but ultimately all her posts are a trap. if you post this this is *exactly* what she wants you to do. honestly you will make her a happy little girl full of glee if she makes you fall into this trap--she wants attention. any kind of attention. negative attention is good attention (like negative publicity is good publicity... .). she would so love to see you post something like this, which would then push her even closer to the replacement as she could further lie and use you as the 'bad exbf' to trigger her new guy's protective white-night. and also make you out to look ignorant and childish.

i've been there, honestly. when my had a disastrous fallout with her roommate, then promptly thereafter moved in with then broke up with her boyfriend (from what i can tell a disastrous fallout as well)--she moved in almost next door to me and started parking in front of my house (where she lived a year before). i took photos and video and got her license plate number in the shot because i didn't know what to expect from her. it took everything in me to not put this stuff up on social media and say "LEAVE ME ALONE YOU CRAZY WOMAN!" it really did. but looking back i'm glad i didn't. even though i felt justified in doing so, it just would have linked me into her ishtstorm of garbage drama.

it's not fair that you have to be silent. it doesn't feel good and it's not fair at all. BUT--you have to think strategically about this and divert (not repress) your frustration right now. this will only make you look bad, and you are the good guy. don't post, you'll be glad you didn't months down the line

her r/s will incinerate on its own accord

Very wise words for you there Fred. Make indifference your response. It's best for you in the long run plus it's the one that hurts her the most. Double whammy. Use it!

I probably wasn't going to post anything anyhow. But I thought these posts by her were to mirror and groom her new supply. If they are not directed at me, how can they be a trap for me or to get attention from me?

However, I wasn't even thinking about it like that. I was more thinking that it would make her look like the crazy opportunist that she's acting like all while poking fun at her behavior. I was figuring that the worst that would happen is that I would be unfriended and blocked, which wouldn't be too bad of a thing. I probably won't unfriend or block her. But I guess that I could make her do it to me since I won't do it to her.

Could I really look that bad by asking her something like, "I've known you 30 years, since when did you become a county girl"?

I will follow your advice though.

Hi fred,

  I hope things are well for you.  I was having a conversation earlier with a mutual friend about my exBPD and the theme was similiar to this thread.  The friend and I agreed we don't recognize the pwBPD anymore.  Interestingly enough this change in persona began a month before the pwBPD had a new source.  Both of us are worried about her safety as she has been erratic.  When the pwBPD told the mutual friend that she was "moving to Australia" she reminded her that she was planning a wedding. 

  By the time the pwBPD had a new source the friend told her not to talk to her until she found her head again.  The pwBPD has mirrored the new source, instantly picking up all his interests including some that she hated only weeks ago.  The sad part is she moved in after one date and is already friends with the sources mother.

Save their souls.

I would like to add that it takes all my will power to keep from calling out a litany of bull sht publically.

I have to remind myself:

The pwBPD is ill.

I should maintain honorable, mature behavior.

I will still be able to respect myself in the morning, no matter how good it would feel to unleash some truth on her it would be a futile act that I would likely regret.

The more I speak with rational people about the entire situation, the more I am reassured that the pwBPD is bat sht crazy and that I have behaved admirably.  The common response is, what the heck happened with you two, she is doing what?  what the heck what the heck what the heck.

LOL

Hey RS, how are ya bud? Yeah, I'm moved out and haven't seen or talked to her since Saturday afternoon. Just kind of loafing around the apartment and going to work. I did talk to 2 of her ex coworkers that she split black. They both informed me that they didn't do anything to her and that I've been her longest relationship(3 yrs)in 10 years or longer. They say she only had short term sexual type relationships that lasted anywhere from a one night stand to 4 months. I've been thinking to myself. Geez, how did I get so lucky? lol. I wonder why she kept me around and wasted 3 years of my life? It wasn't the sex, it was never that great. Maybe that's why most of the other guys were gone so quickly. Well, that and the nuttiness. But who knows?  How you been doing lately?

Well I am still technically cohabiting with the ex, but she only stops by a few hours on the weekends to get mail or do laundry.  So far she pays her half of the rent, stays gone and keeps quiet about her new romance when talking with me.  It could be a lot worse.  I'm not sure how long she plans on staying here, she is paying bills to have a home for her cat at this point.  I'm not sure about anything with the ex's behavior at this point.  She is 31 and trying to relive her party days.  Some of our younger friends that are 22 said they can't even keep up with her wild behavior.  I just hope she comes through this whole chapter without losing everything or worse, bringing another ass child into the world.

Overall things are improving.  I am seeing a therapist every other week and he has confirmed that I am fine but I do seem to attract crazy people.

I have a holiday weekend planned, there is a 4 day music festival with camping this weekend.  Me and the ex bought tickets when we were still together.  She is going with her new toy,  I am going alone.  I'll make friends there or bump into folks I know.  Hopefully I will miss the ex entirely amoung the thousands of people.  She still hasn't told me directly she even has a boyfriend so it is mildly entertaining watching her juggle, though it is kind of endearing that she still hides something she thinks would upset me.

All in all, life is great.  I'm wrapping my head around my new chapter in life, the one where I don't almost marry a legotimately crazy woman. :D

by posting anything, good or bad or nice or supportive or spiteful--will show that you are looking. that you care. and you are feeding the beast.

fred6 i can't say if your ex has an ulterior motive here to devalue you publicly or to get to you with these postings. i surely felt when my ex posted things that it had at least something to do with me. when we still lived together she threw her new r/s in my face plenty of times, i never asked but i always got details. after she moved out she would call me and devalue her new bf... .which to some degree was validating at the time, but i wasn't fully convinced that this was in fact how she treats *everyone*, including me. regardless of how much history she shares with them.

we got into a little spat over the phone about a month or so after she left and was reaching out to me... .i tried to be respectful and told her that i didn't feel comfortable talking in the way we were because she was in a new r/s. that if i was her bf that it would make me feel uncomfortable if she was connecting so much with the ex. i said i wanted to stay friends but wanted a little space while she worked out her r/s. i probably didn't have the most zen of attitudes about it -- she got nasty and said she never cared about me anyway and that i was stupid to think she was acting in ways other than being plutonic (bold faced lies, trick, i know when you're flirting i've known you for 4 years!). next day after all her complaints about the guy to me she's posting photos of them together having the best time ever... .hmmm.

you have more power in this exchange than you can see right now. but you can't play her game, you have different rules. she's a master at her game. she deceives and drops people as a way of life fred6, and now you are just beginning to see how she truly operates. if she never settled and then was with you for several years, this says something--don't believe her false persona of not caring at all about you. she's desperately trying to be someone else, to run away because leaving this r/s is affecting her. trust. but you can't engage in her shenanigans. your game plan is to fix up your new bachelor pad and be a damn good bachelor in it. that's it. justice will take care of itself, my situation was similar to yours so i'm just telling you what i went through.

but--you cannot initiate anything. you've got 3 years of skin in the game. country girl will hate cowboys in a few months, regardless of what you do. but i want you to avoid as much embarrassment as possible. you might think saying "I've known you 30 years, since when did you become a county girl?" as smart and sassy. but please believe you would be falling into her trap! lol. i'm sorry i just wanted to reiterate. she could easily deflate everything by saying "oh fred6 i guess you just never understood who i really was... .", or, whatever. she's better at you at this game. decades of practice. don't play it. even if you can't see it now, you'll see it by Springtime... .patience my friend  :)

if you feel the need to post on social media, ignore her isht completely. you don't see her posting on your stuff do you? no. because she knows how to be false like a pro. so don't go raining on her parade. if you want to post, take some time and make your apt really nice, take pics and post them up. invite some friends over and have a housewarming, throw a party, take pics and post those. go out and do things you couldn't do because you were wasting time on her, do a stay-cation, post pictures of this. do anything but try to go head-to-head with a social media narcissist -- you will lose even though you're the better person underneath.

Yes goldy is absolutely right.  Anything you say will be twisted and used against you. She may even recruit friends to make social media posts that's seem directed at you.  With her enabler a and social media the smear campaign can be orchestrated like a marketing campaign with stupid memes that somehow undermine you mAkin you seem like the negative person for not letting go as easily as her.

What does plutonic mean?

Platonic means a friendly relationship. It can have emotional intimacy and even love but never borders into physical attraction/ intimacy or romantic love. Your general friends or acquaintances.

The word used was plutonic.

lol! Thanks Chasing_Ghosts... .

plu·ton·ic

plo͞oˈtänik/

adjective

adjective: plutonic; adjective: Plutonic

    1. Geology: relating to or denoting igneous rock formed by solidification at considerable depth beneath the earth's surface.

    2. relating to the underworld or the god Pluto.


that's a good one freedom33. i did misspell platonic, but maybe plutonic wasn't so far off base? 

She was bringing the underworld alright... .

That refers to relationships with girls from the planet Pluto.

(That sort of works, too :-))

Or nuking them into oblivion?

Jokes aside, great post as always Goldylamont. Your posts often express what I am thinking but am not always able to put into words.

What good would that do? Right now you're in control! Cutting off attention (your currency) is like cutting off a wellspring of water that she drinks from. Once a BPD relationship ends, the BPD wants to make you her friend (i.e. beta orbiter) so you can like her statuses and listen to her moan about her new guy. If you cut off contact, she has to chase you, ignore all this stuff because it's crap. Nothing she posts is real, you know that right? it's mirroring, my xBPD has been mirroring me from afar recently, liking everything I post on fb. She won't text me in case I reject her (i.e. tell her to eff off). So right now I'm in control. She has a bf yet she's mirroring me. Why? Because I'm in control of myself, because I'm far off, safe. The less I give attention, the more she goes crazy. Just wait it out. Better yourself Fred, don't rock the boat, just keep things as they are.


Why break NC to jab her with a toothpick? Long term it may be better for you to remain NC, the moment you press enter you'll regret it. Trust me. It's a universal thing because it ALWAYS results in MORE CONTACT. A BPD will not give up. It'll drive you insane.

Wouldn't you rather wait a while, then become King of the castle? Imagine this... sitting on your throne whilst your BPD bows at your feet. Or BPD sitting on her throne whilst you grovel for scraps of affection, Oh great BPD queen, I worship your magnificence, there is none greater!

Come on...

BPD+attention=happy

BPD-attention=sad

Trust me when I say, cutting off your attention is the best way to get back at her. Just because she's left doesn't mean she doesn't crave your attention. My BPD told me she missed me whilst she went back to her ex. I believe her, they're not robots, they feel more than we do in many cases. The only reason a BPD leaves is because they think YOU'LL LEAVE or because YOU'RE WEAK. They're scared to get close in case you leave like Daddy did. They want to be dominated... so...

Leave for a while

return more confident with actual sef-esteem

set boundaries (you can't do that whilst you're with me)

be dominant (we'll go here, we'll do this)

laugh at her insults, treat her like a silly little sister

If she leaves, make no attempt at contact, do not beg, whine or insult.

She'll be back.

Never, EVER accept her saying "we're friends". YOU ARE NOT FRIENDS.

I suppose that means they are... .Scorpios?

There is a catch 22 in this process. If you leave for a while and get some actual self-esteem you won't come back... .Life is too short to play such games.

My ex is a Scorpio, hahaha... .

Mine too... .

Mine was Pisces. The perfectly sane albeit eccentric girl I slept with during "down time" in my BPD relationship is a Scorpio. I don't think star signs have any relevance here guys.

And Fred, like Goldylamont, C522 just made some excellent points for you to take on board.

mine was a Scorpio as well. go figure. and she would use those stupid astrology reading to justify her behaviors as well.

christoff522, honestly that was the best and funniest thing i've read in a while. i was cracking up, because it is so true. fred6, if you don't get it from me, get it from christoff522 or someone else. withhold all attention for now. this is the stronger more powerful position.

come on freedom don't go and ruin the surprise!

Seriously though, there is always that possibility of using and abusing the BPD, friend with benefits? Or you may want to be friends. The truth is (quoting a guy on sosuave).


This probably won't work for most people. I have to admit, if it comes down to it I will try it, basically it's giving her what she wants. She treated me like sh** because I was weak. BPD's want dominant guys, they have no self-control, so they want someone to keep them in control. The first element of control is to cut off attention. But I can understand if people would want to recover and never look back. I don't think that loving your BPD however means you have low self esteem. If you hold yourself in high esteem, you can still go back to your BPD ex, because you know that the situation won't be the same, and if it is... you will leave. You basically become a god to them, because all their games, and bs doesn't work anymore, and you just so happen to be able to be with anyone you choose. I guess it feeds the narcissistic element of all of us guys.

Luckily everything I said applies for normal girls, in fact more so... because what I described is what ALL women want.

The quickest way to get rid of a BPD is to become clingy and beta.

It is not what women want, it's what people want. No man wants a woman doormat either... .But if if a woman is testing your boundaries relentlesly then it's better you walk away. It's like water - it's gentle, soft and harmless almost refreshing but it erodes rocks and rusts iron... .

Men and women want defined, traditional (i.e. historical) gender roles. A woman wants a man to be a man, and a man wants a woman to be a woman.

Have you been reading PUA stuff or that idiot called reignite the fire?

Here's how I see things. You either do the above, fall at the lowest level possible - basically becoming a narcissistic douche bag and still lose the game in the end - a BPD will always bring a narcissist down - you can't beat a BPD in their game. Or... .you can REALLY man up and stop playing games with girls, particularly disordered ones. A real man does not play games. And an alpha male is not about dominating females or anyone really - it's more about commanding respect through his actions and mostly from other male. If one is looking for a woman to validate one's masculinity then she will always have him by the balls.

Don't worry guys, that's why I'm here posting. For advice and encouragement through this sh!tstorm that I've somehow created for myself. You guys probably know better than me, so I'll stay NC. Although, I do know total NC is the best course of action. How and when do I go about checking on the kids and the cat? Do I just write them off forever too? Like I've said before, I'm virtually positive that exBPD is not coming back to recycle. She never talks to her ex's and has said the she doesn't do the "make up break up" thing. She has too much pseudo-independence, pseudo-pride, and rarely to never admits that she has made a wrong decision. She is never wrong.

And to that point and in the theme of this thread, sometimes she shares Facebook posts that say things like. "I don't regret the decisions that I've made in life. Even if my past is full of hurt, I still look back and smile. Because, they have made me into the person that I am".

Does she actually believe this silly sh|t she posts? I don't know about you guys, but I have many decisions that I have regretted in life. And as much as it bothers me to say, I regret ever falling in love with this chick... .

But an alpha validates one's self. Theres no need to be validated by a woman, especially a BPD one. When I say "has actual self-esteem" I mean that. A BPD does not bring a narcissist down, the narcissist always wins because he thinks that the BPD is a piece of crap. A BPD does not get to a narcissist.

Now freedom I agree that a real man does not play games, and I'm not talking about playing games. I'm talking about building yourself up, climbing the precipice and being in such a place that the manipulations of the BPD flow over your head. An alpha could sleep with a BPD then never contact her again. Is that a game? No, thats a state of mind we should be in if we're to 'stay'. A BPD can't be helped, but they still have working parts  *)

An alpha could also love a BPD, love her enough to let her go? or love her enough to stay with her and be able to deal with all the ___ without it dragging you down and bringing you to bpdfamily for emotional support.

Freedom I totally respect what you're saying, and I approve of it, what you say works for 98% of people who come into contact with a BPD, you're totally spot on my friend.

An alpha male naturally dominates females, because he is the archetypical man, and all women WANT A MAN. Not a little approval seeking sissy who never stands up for himself, and always agrees with her opinions and tries to buy her affection with chocolates, dinner and flowers.

My best advice would be this, call the entire thing a lost cause. Be selfish, think to yourself that those kids are not your responsibility, and go build a family of your own with someone else.

But... .

You could call her, be all business, cold, detached, ask her how the kids are. She probably regrets quite a bit now. Its been what... a month? Just give her a call, if she's a b!tch then wait another month and try again. BPD's have memories like sieves. So long as you are strong, determined and speak with a man's voice to her you'll be okay. Then when you've done it post back here.

Are you serious? This is not thoughtful advice. What are you on? The Alpha pill?

Actually, I've been living with her waiting for an apartment for about 2 months. I just moved out for good last Saturday and been NC since then. So NC hasn't even been a week yet.

So if I combine the above then according to you woman = doormat?

I know this is kind of a tough answer to read, but unless they are your kids, unfortunately you've got to let them go. They are sort of a package deal with their mom. If their mother wants you in their lives, she'll let you know. But until that time comes, or they reach adulthood and can decide for themselves, you don't really have much of a choice in the situation. And keeping tabs on them isn't going to do anything but hurt you. As far as the cat goes... .unless you're willing to invest the time and energy to get possession of it from her, it may just be best to let it go and get a new one. I know you care for them, but that's just the way things are. It totally stinks, but there's not really anything you can do about it.

You're better off waiting a bit. Remember you're dealing with an illogical, irrational human being. One who has as much crazy in her as Ted Bundy.

Just leave it a few more weeks. pop up some time mid October. Then strongly ask her about the kids. You mustn't show weakness or go all soppy over her. I'm not saying this to be a d!ck I'm saying it because she won't respond well to it. I've been there. She will be cold, disinterested. But I believe that if you ask about the children, keep it solely on-topic you should be able to make progress on that front.

But be prepared, she may just try to use them as a weapon.

I'm not sure if Chris is a troll, full of ___, a psychopath or all three.  His advice sounds like the meathead wisdom you find on a bodybuilding forum.

No christoffs advice is solid

PwBPD have multiple pulls within them.  Their is the abandoned child that wants to be saved and parented.  Then their is the disorder which is sort of the protector internal parent that mistreats them. 

The abandoned child wants to be rescued but the disorder will not allow that. The disorder will lure you to make the bond to dump crap into you.

If the disorder senses they can't dump crap into you it will seek to form this bond.

Not at all, this is wisdom I've discovered over the past few months. BPD girls are essentially every weird and wonderful thing a girl is x1000, so if as a normal girl she is insecure... as a BPD she is raving terror that you'll leave. If as a girl she is sexual, then as as BPD she is a total vixen who'll sleep with anything with the right equipment and intent.

As such a BPD needs to be controlled, in fact mine said to me how much she loved to be dominated. I cannot think how many times she said that. She didn't just mean to be sexually dominated. Just a week or two ago, After contact resumed, she started asking me what I thought about HER getting a tattoo, whether I thought that was okay or not.

Let me ask you this, has anything you've done in relation to her worked? Why are you here? You're here because you don't know how to handle your BPD. Now whilst I'm no expert, I can tell you, that I know more about handling a girl with BPD than you do. I've been researching this since April, and practicing it since July. It's a long process, she has a new beta chump. But I'm not crying, forcing myself into NC (which I was before) or losing the plot. I go to bed with a smile on my face.

Meathead wisdom, are you scared of change? I know it's easier for you to simply blame the girl for everything cos she just "doesn't know how special you are". But maybe if you looked at yourself, asked yourself why you're here on a forum broken-hearted about someone, and actually asked yourself why it all fell to ___, you'd begin to realise that its because you're doing it wrong every time you get into a relationship. I mean you were single before your BPD, and you're single now. What are you going to do when the next girl comes along? You'll do the same again, except this time you'll be even more insecure. Even more desperate. Maybe you'll find that this "meathead wisdom" is ACTUAL WISDOM.

I concur... The second time my exgf tried the pull away crap and threatened to leave me, I told her the next day that I won't tolerate that ___ anymore. It stopped it for a couple of months. By then, she had wittled me down enough that I lacked that strength to do it again and it it worse.

The last time she did it, I stood up for myself but in the wrong way. Told her you obviously aren't happy and you need to think about if this is what you want in the relationship, she cried and said I am supposed to reassure her when this happens. 10 days later she was gone. I imagine if I said cut the crap or GTFO instead, she may have stayed. But I wasn't happy at the time and was thinking of breaking up with her anyway.

Live and learn

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