Understanding mirroring and projection on new supply.

[fred6]

So lately I have been seeing exBPD on my facebook newsfeed share photos with quotes about being a country girl. The new supply is a country boy, drives a truck, hunts, wears camo, etc. Basically everything that I'm not. None of that stuff matters to me and didn't really matter to her that much during our 3 years together.

This particular photo in question said:

"Some people just don't understand why bearded, beer drinking, deer hunting, truck driving, camouflage wearing men turn us country girls on".

Although she has admitted to cheating on me, she has said that he is just a friend, and she is not in a relationship with him. There have been many of these "country boy/country girl" patronizing type posts from her on a daily basis lately. She's friends with new supply and knows that he sees this stuff, he has even "liked" some of them.

Now what I'm wondering. Is this a way of her mirroring and projecting onto the replacement? Kind of like she's mirroring and projecting the life style traits of the new supply likes back to him through social media. Kind of interesting that she never cared about these things too much in the past. I guess she found a camo wearing "country boy" for her next victim and now she's all about being a "country girl". Even though they aren't in a relationship at this time, she knows that I'm leaving very soon. Is this her way of reeling him in through mirroring and projection? And even maybe at the same time rubbing my nose in it, haha. The more I see, the more interesting this disorder is to watch it play out. Just too bad that I'm the non involved, ... .

[Confused?]

Yes yes and yes. Mine did the exact same thing. Said he was a friend but was into stuff she never was when I was with her. After being with her for almost 2 years, since meeting him she likes comics, wrestling, country, football, and baseball. To her respect she liked country while with me but I loove football and she fell asleep during every game. Now she has team gear and everything. I love seeing everything from the outside. It makes the healing process so much easier 

[fred6]

Yes yes and yes. Mine did the exact same thing. Said he was a friend but was into stuff she never was when I was with her. After being with her for almost 2 years, since meeting him she likes comics, wrestling, country, football, and baseball. To her respect she liked country while with me but I loove football and she fell asleep during every game. Now she has team gear and everything. I love seeing everything from the outside. It makes the healing process so much easier 

It's interesting how they flip from liking the things you like, then seemingly over night they like the things that the new supply likes who is the total opposite of you. I wonder if they all do this to an extent during the idealization phase? It kind of adds to the, "did they ever love me/why were they with me if we were so different?" It seems that they aren't looking for a person with a certain type of lifestyle or things in common. To me they are looking for a certain emotional characteristics or personality type that they can manipulate easily. An easy target, so to speak. But, I kind of realize that they have to put on a different mask with every new supply, like a chameleon. Someone that is healthy emotionally would probably see the red flags and warning signs and proceed cautiously with a BPD.

[myself]

It reminds me of when my kids would be in a store around Halloween, trying on different masks, saying, "Maybe I'll be a princess. Maybe I'll be a raccoon. Maybe I'll be a pirate. Maybe I'll be a... ."

[fred6]

It reminds me of when my kids would be in a store around Halloween, trying on different masks, saying, "Maybe I'll be a princess. Maybe I'll be a raccoon. Maybe I'll be a pirate. Maybe I'll be a... ."

I wonder what my replacement is? Oh yeah, he's a gotta be a "country boy", because on this cycle she's a "country girl", ... .

[Trog]

My exBPDw didn't mirror the things I liked, quite often she would mock them but the mocking got worse as time went on, she was barely hiding her disgust for my hobbies and tastes in the initial stages. What she DID do was deliberately (and now I look back on it she even told me she was doing it) try to fill the holes in my cravings that I hadn't had as a child or in other relationships. She made huge efforts to fulfill my emotional and sexual needs and at the time I thought I'd found heaven of course before long the entire effort was thrown in my face once the adoration faded out.

[Blimblam]

Yes this is total mirroring.  My advice is to do your best to stay away from social media for a while or at least block her feed it is just torture.

[Trog]

Yes this is total mirroring.  My advice is to do your best to stay away from social media for a while or at least block her feed it is just torture.

Agree, I've blocked mine from everywhere but one thing I'm really thankful for, and maybe its because im further on in my healing, is that I truly don't have any curiosity to know what she is doing and with whom. As long as she is far away from me and I am able to get on with my life, then she can do what she wants. Infact, if she has someone else in the snare, I feel sorry for them, but just thank god its not me and her attention is diverted!

[fred6]

Yes this is total mirroring.  My advice is to do your best to stay away from social media for a while or at least block her feed it is just torture.

So by her posting things like this on a daily basis:

"Some people just don't understand why bearded, beer drinking, deer hunting, truck driving, camouflage wearing men turn us country girls on".

And new supply is a "country boy", she is just wanting him to see it and make him think that "he's the one" she's looking for to reel him in to her? Or is it for me to see just to spite me? I guess it could be a bit of both. I'm not really worried about seeing it on her feed, I kind of find it interesting at this point.

[freedom33]

I hate to break it to you but at this stage I don't think she cares about you. It sounds like she has a new supply and you are out of the picture. I think you should be focusing on yourself right now and not her. Try and move on with your life and forget about her. It seems like the toughest thing to do but it is also the greatest you can do for yourself. Detach, heal and learn from this.

[Suspicious1]

The reason I knew my ex was grooming new supply was that he suddenly started supporting a political party that represented the polar opposite to what he claimed he supported when he was with me. So whoever he was after, I know how they voted. I also know they like gardening, floristry and jewellery making. Guess what his new Facebook likes are?

[christoff522]

So by her posting things like this on a daily basis:

"Some people just don't understand why bearded, beer drinking, deer hunting, truck driving, camouflage wearing men turn us country girls on".

And new supply is a "country boy", she is just wanting him to see it and make him think that "he's the one" she's looking for to reel him in to her? Or is it for me to see just to spite me? I guess it could be a bit of both. I'm not really worried about seeing it on her feed, I kind of find it interesting at this point.

I agree with freedom on this, best thing to do now is begin to deal with the issues that caused this relationship to happen in the first place. I would disagree with no longer looking, I think part of the healing process is being able to see this stuff and understand it, and even laugh.

Notice she said she was a 'country girl', so this is a new persona. Its a new way for her to explore her battered psyche. BPD's hate boredom, they hate being alone, they hate being rejected, so for her this is a new way not to be alone, not to be bored and 'hopefully' not be rejected - although she will make that happen. I'm just gonna point this out, this man has 'liked' this stuff, but how connected are they? Sometimes a BPD will idealize and idolize someone, but it doesn't mean that the guy is hooked yet. I've noticed on my BPD's facebook guys will pop up for a day and then vanish back into the ether. Usually its people she's encountered at parties. I think BPDs tend to get rejected far more than they get accepted.

It's not to spite you anyway, she literally doesn't want to be alone. She will do ANYTHING to have someone. She may not even like this guy, and is just saying it so he won't leave. One funny thing, my BPD told me she doesn't love her bf. Yet they're together! At the moment he's just a glorified taxi driver taking her home from parties - he doesn't even go to them yet still comes and picks her up.

Honestly, I get repulsed by her now. One day (maybe already) you'll feel that same way.

[fred6]

I agree with freedom on this, best thing to do now is begin to deal with the issues that caused this relationship to happen in the first place. I would disagree with no longer looking, I think part of the healing process is being able to see this stuff and understand it, and even laugh.

I mean, it does sting a little bit reading it. However, I want to understand it so that this doesn't happen again. Also, I kind of find the behavior patterns kind of interesting, but repulsive at the same time, if that makes any sense

Notice she said she was a 'country girl', so this is a new persona. Its a new way for her to explore her battered psyche. BPD's hate boredom, they hate being alone, they hate being rejected, so for her this is a new way not to be alone, not to be bored and 'hopefully' not be rejected - although she will make that happen. I'm just gonna point this out, this man has 'liked' this stuff, but how connected are they? Sometimes a BPD will idealize and idolize someone, but it doesn't mean that the guy is hooked yet. I've noticed on my BPD's facebook guys will pop up for a day and then vanish back into the ether. Usually its people she's encountered at parties. I think BPDs tend to get rejected far more than they get accepted.

Well to her credit, she has always been a little bit country, we live in the deep south. But now, since she's with the "county boy", she has gone over the top with this stuff. She posted one that said, "I'd rather a man take me fishing on the back of a four wheeler than go to a fancy dinner". A year ago, if I would have asked her to go fishing on the back of a four wheeler, she would have asked me if I was high on something then raged or ridiculed me. If she likes "country boys", why was she ever with me? That's why is was wondering if this was her way of mirroring an projection. I don't think this guy is hooked. I know they're screwing each other, but she says that they aren't in a relationship. But I think with me moving out soon, she's started to try to hook him with this patronizing behavior.

I have noticed what you say about not wanting to be bored or alone. She never could stay around the house, she always has to be on the road. She's put 90k miles on a 3 year old car that she bought new. As far as being alone, that's probably how this whole thing started. She quit her job and stopped taking her Zoloft. Since she quit her job, I started working extra hours to take up her slack from quitting her job and she was stuck at home alone doing nothing most of the day. I guess she found something to do with her new supply while I was working to pay her bills. So yes, I know all about alone and bored pwBPD.

It's not to spite you anyway, she literally doesn't want to be alone. She will do ANYTHING to have someone. She may not even like this guy, and is just saying it so he won't leave. One funny thing, my BPD told me she doesn't love her bf. Yet they're together! At the moment he's just a glorified taxi driver taking her home from parties - he doesn't even go to them yet still comes and picks her up.

Honestly, I get repulsed by her now. One day (maybe already) you'll feel that same way.

She's probably told him lots of the same stuff that she told me at the beginning. I guess I could give him the heads up and let him know that he's getting played like a chump, just like I was played. Hahaha, just kidding.

[toomanytears]

The reason I knew my ex was grooming new supply was that he suddenly started supporting a political party that represented the polar opposite to what he claimed he supported when he was with me. So whoever he was after, I know how they voted. I also know they like gardening, floristry and jewellery making. Guess what his new Facebook likes are?

Grooming is a good word for what's been going on with my soon to be ex BPDh. He developed a deep interest in Quakers and at the same time became passionate about anything Mexican. After he left our family home last year I presumed it was because the Mexican researcher he'd found funding for in his university department had materialised and she put pressure on him to leave me. Since then I've also discovered that his new found fascination with Quakerism was rooted in an affair with a leading Quaker spokeswoman. Apparently he'd had a long-abiding interest in the Quaker movement which he says he'd kept under wraps because he thought I would have disapproved. Well I certainly would have done if I'd known why! I now realise he was mirroring or grooming the new supplies, Mexican and Quaker, in their own needy ways. When we split he declared 'I'm not a philanderer' . It's taken therapy and many months of processing to come to the conclusion that this was indeed what he was... .so hard to get my head round though... .and in our 31 year marriage what were are all the other lies?

[Englishman]

I met my ex-BPD-bf about 10 years ago. I'm British and she's American living in LA. We met online... .met for real outside a British pub in LA at 2am    Straight back to my place!   Two weeks later... .we were living together! She was a beautiful Asian American Anglophole that loved anything British... .music, food, Royalty, Formula 1, Football... .etc. We quickly were in love... .she already had a boy and a girl... .of course... .the son becomes an Arsenal Football Club fan and love British Formula 1 racing. The daughter becomes mad about the British boy bands! The ex-bf even uses English words when she speaks... .I like it... .we were perfect together... .al least... .that's what I thought!

Unfortunately... .good old FB would give away her latest cheating interests away. I was out of town a couple of years ago and she became a big fan of San Diego sports teams... .of course I accusers her... .and later I find out she was cheating with a guy from from SD.

In April of this year she runs off with a local drug dealer who she's now living with (I was blindsided) ... .thanks to everything now being online... .I know that she only listens to country music , her Netflix watching is only bad American movies. (no more Downton Abbey and no more English TV shows and films) She's smoking Camels... .just like her dealer does... (Idont smoke and she never did)... .and when she now writes to me she doesn't even sound like the same person using his "dealer/Fresno/hippy" words... .man!

Bottom line is... .the whole 10 years were fake. She wasn't interested in anything British... .she was only interested in what I was interested in. The whole thing wasn't real. Now... .after almost 10 years of worshiping me... .she honestly wouldn't flinch of I died tomorrow. Amazing... .I only found out about BPD afterwards... .and that's the shame of it. If I'd known I'd have been more sensitive and less arrogant Englishman! STILL... .I don't blame me. It's the illness... .she's sick and she needs help... .and I'm dating other girls so... .

[fred6]

I'm pretty certain she is mirroring and projecting the new supply. I talked to one of her 10 year long friends from work that she split black when she quit her job back in April. I asked her friend what kind of guys that my exBPD talked about and liked. She said that exBPD never really dated or had long relationships. Just usually got a few nights of sex and let them go. That would match up with exBPD telling me that "guys usually don't last more than 4 months with me".

I'm not even moved out yet and I can already tell that the new supply won't last long for her. He's 33 and she's pushing 41 and has let herself go in the past 6 months. But then again, she always told me that she liked fooling around with younger guys. I know she's sick, but the thought of her hopping from guy to guy being a human mattress makes me feel so sorry for her. I wonder if this guy has any clue of what he's in for? Or is he just happy that he's knee deep in her periwinkle for now. The funny part about it is that she isn't good in bed, just kind of lays there and doesn't even participate. Such a sad way to live.

I'm not trying to be ugly or funny. But does the word "___" apply to someone like this, who is sick in the head? Or does it apply to just mentally and emotionally healthy people that are promiscuous?

[BlackandBlue]

Its funny you bring up the country girl thing. When I first met my ex she was still married to a country boy, therefore she was putting on the act of a country girl of course. Hunting, fishing, guns, trucks, country music, cowboy boots, etc... .that was her thing. However when her and her husband separated she quickly became infatuated with me and I am far from a country boy... .in fact im quite the opposite. I dont like to label myself but I guess I have the stereotypical skateboarder imagine going on. I skate, surf, play guitar, listen to punk, im a vegetarian, don't drink, etc... .soon she began to take on my image and interests. She started buying the brands of clothes I wear, started listening to he music i listened to, quit drinking, became a vegetarian. She even wanted to learn to skateboard. I did seem quite odd to me and normally I would rip on someone who do what she did for being poser and a fake. But i was very depressed and lonely and i liked the attention. One thing led to another and we ended up in a romantic relationship. During the honeymoon phase she had put me up so high on a pedestal. After while it was starting to annoy me how much she was trying to be me. After things went sour and the devaluation started to occur she started changing and began to put all my interest down and started saying we dont have anything in common. Now that we are broken up she has taken on a more preppie appearance, has taken a liking to sports (soccer in particular when the world cup was going on), having and interest in craft beers and wine... .i guess this is all the things my replacement is into. Its kinda sad watching her be someone she's not. But borderlines have no identity from what i hear and its always going to be this way for her.

[topknot]

Fred, I know I have posted before on this topic. It was so very hard for me to comprehend.  I always knew that he was smitten with someone else,  and it hurt like hell.  And silly me would try to regain his attention. We went from buying a Harley,  and all the clothing that went with it, to Mr. Health,  with the Nutribullet and the rowing machine in the living room. You already know who replaced you without a word from them. I so do not miss that complete insanity.

[fred6]

It is interesting watching the FB posts.

Todays post of the day goes:

"Someday,

everything will

make perfect

sense. So for now,

laugh at the

confusion, smile

through the tears,

and keep reminding

yourself that

everything happens

for God's reason."

I'm convinced that she either posts these for either me or her to read. Who is she trying to convince of this non sense?

My take, is that everything happens for a reason. But those reasons aren't always good. The reason in this situation is that you are crazy, hurt people, and spread your legs for random dudes.

From her perspective, I guess she is saying that God made her "this way" and "that's who I am". So it's Ok to lie, cheat, steal, and sneak around like a thief in the night. I can justify these actions.

[freedom33]

Maybe she is trying to convince herself about the purpose of it all? It could be sheer wishful thinking in her desperation. pwBPD are really confused and are living through some serious hell 24/7. How do you think checking her facebook profile impacts you?

[fred6]

Maybe she is trying to convince herself about the purpose of it all? It could be sheer wishful thinking in her desperation. pwBPD are really confused and are living through some serious hell 24/7. How do you think checking her facebook profile impacts you?

Like I said, it's kind of interesting seeing how this whole thing is playing out. At the same time, it kind of stings a bit, but not too bad. Hell, after sitting on her sofa watching her get all made up to go have sex and some of the things she's said to me(you were a mistake, you're worthless, I'm done with you forever), seeing her Facebook is nothing to worry about. I think that she'll eventually add new supply to the "In a relationship with" status and then de friend me and block me. Seems like now that I'm about out of the picture that she's grooming him to fill that role that I got fired from. That will probably get to me and be the final kick to the the nuts, so to speak. If she does do that though, I'll know she got personal with it. But hey, at least then you guys won't have to worry about me creeping on her facebook news feed, .

She's got to know that she's doing this stuff. I wonder if she's actually believing it or if she knows that it's all a scam?

[Infared]

Fred

Take care of you. Don't look at her social media. She is sick, has no sense of self and does not care at all about you. Just like mine.

It is all about them... .every minute of every day.

Stay away. Get well. Be you!... .love you... .and laugh... .because she can't be her! There is no her.   Must be horrible.

[freedom33]

It saddens me reading about your situation fred and how well into this cycle of abuse you are in. It sounds like there might be a bit more way to go. I wish you well. As infared says take care of you if you can. It's tough but it's for the best

[fred6]

Fred

Take care of you. Don't look at her social media. She is sick, has no sense of self and does not care at all about you. Just like mine.

It is all about them... .every minute of every day.

Stay away. Get well. Be you!... .love you... .and laugh... .because she can't be her! There is no her.   Must be horrible.

Thanks Infared, I know she's sick and I try not to take it personal. I won't say that she doesn't care at all about me at all. I think deep down once you get past all of the pain, selfishness, and other garbage that she's dealing with in her life that she does love me in her own ways. She hasn't had a long term relationship in a long time. Everyone I've talked to, her family, her friends, and even her, have told me that she either just dates guys for a little while(sex basically), or her relationships only last from 4-6 months. And her words are that, "most guys don't make it 4 months with me". So she just doesn't know how to be in a loving relationship other than sex.

The thing that intrigues and bothers me is that she can have casual meaningless sex with new guys so easily. But the longer we were together, the less and less that she would have sex with me. Just giving me some excuse about an exbf raping her and that "sex means nothing to her". Up until around the halfway point, about a year and a half. Even though she didn't really initiate or participate in sex, she pretty much gave it to me anytime I wanted it. It doesn't add up or make sense in my brain.

[fred6]

It saddens me reading about your situation fred and how well into this cycle of abuse you are in. It sounds like there might be a bit more way to go. I wish you well. As infared says take care of you if you can. It's tough but it's for the best

Thanks freedom. She seems different than the typical BPD. She's undiagnosed and I'm not even sure that is BPD. Many of the traits are there. I could be in denial, and now that I look back on her words and actions, there were red flags. But it all started when she quit her job and subsequently quit taking her Zoloft. It was all down hill from there to get to this point. She seems to be regressing to her old self. Messy house, sink filled with dirty dishes, getting behind on the bills.

The things I wonder are:

Why did I last so long with her in a relationship when the in the past 10 years she has only had sex partners or 4 month relationships?

Since we were together so long, will new supply burn out quickly like a rebound usually does or has she learned from the relationship with me on how to be in a longer term relationship?

Even though she doesn't have anything to do with her previous short term EXs, who were OK guys by all accounts, other than hers and I'm virtually certain that she won't recycle me. I still wonder will she try recycle since I've been her longest relationship in about 10 years or once I leave I'll just never see her again?

Did/does she have more feelings for me than the previous short term relationships since we were together so much longer?

[BlackandBlue]

One thing I dont really understand is, do pwBPD know they are doing this or is it on a subconcious level? For instance, when my exwBPD was taking on all of my interests and trying to become me, was she actually thinking "I better like what he likes to get him to like me"? The whole thing just seems so odd to me.

[freedom33]

In my experience they don't think. They are just surviving minute by minute and doing whatever they feel they have to do to meet their needs. They are so consumed in this effort that there is simply no time to think of anyone else's. Pretty much like a very needy, orphaned four year old. Did you think of your parents needs when you were at that age? It is tough to accept this or even imagine it but this is how it is for them. On the other hand for some nons it is the opposite. Some of us are so consumed of thinking of everyone else's needs (and I am not saying this in an altruistic positive way to give ourselves a righteous pat in the back... .) just so we don't take a hard look at ourselves and avoid taking care of our needs.

[goldylamont]

One thing I dont really understand is, do pwBPD know they are doing this or is it on a subconcious level? For instance, when my exwBPD was taking on all of my interests and trying to become me, was she actually thinking "I better like what he likes to get him to like me"? The whole thing just seems so odd to me.

I'd say it's all coming from a subconscious place, but absolutely some are conscious of it. It of course depends on the person and probably their maturity level.

I would think that the majority of diagnosed BPD are aware of their behaviors although they may not be able to control it well. For undiagnosed perhaps less awareness. I have a previous post where I found a conversation thread of pwBPD discussing mirroring, I'll try and find it. But what they were saying ranged from seeing it as a bad habit all the way to straight up relishing in being able to deceive people by appealing to their desires. From slight guilt to zero remorse. But these are people either diagnosed or at least aware they have BPD traits.

I would also think it depends on age, education and maturity. I think a 40 year old with 20 previous partners must have some sense of the idealization pattern say compared to an 18 year old with less experience.

In any case I think that this is probably just the norm for them so it's not a big deal it's just how they operate. They probably see it as quite normal even though the level of mirroring is much much higher than normal.

I should add that in my specific case I didn't see or feel mirroring as much as others. I know it had to be there but my ex and I had similar interests which made it easy to date, yet we also did different things and continued to do so throughout the rs. I learned some cool stuff from her and she from me. And after we broke up she was hell on wheels with men but I can't say she changed her whole persona up  much (from what I could tell with limited contact).

[Infared]

In my experience they don't think. They are just surviving minute by minute and doing whatever they feel they have to do to meet their needs. They are so consumed in this effort that there is simply no time to think of anyone else's. Pretty much like a very needy, orphaned four year old. Did you think of your parents needs when you were at that age? It is tough to accept this or even imagine it but this is how it is for them. On the other hand for some nons it is the opposite. Some of us are so consumed of thinking of everyone else's needs (and I am not saying this in an altruistic positive way to give ourselves a righteous pat in the back... .) just so we don't take a hard look at ourselves and avoid taking care of our needs.

LOT of truth there Freedom. Rigorous honesty is more effective than T sometimes!  

I think that I used to resemble that guy.

[fred6]

And today's country thang Facebook share:

"I seriously

just wanna cuddle

up and watch an

old Disney movie with

hot chocolate and

ignore life and

everything"

Really? On my last day before moving out. Who the hell is this person that I've lived with for the past 3 years? Looks like these posts are her self fulfilling prophecy. As it says, she did ignore our life together and everything. Also, looks like she's living in a Disney cartoon "The 7 future boyfriends". This is some of the silliest sh!t that I've ever seen.