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Im an older guy, fit, lively, but age has caught up... .and my BPD... .was never really mine. For the past year and 4 months and 7 recycles, untold damage to my once solid ego, lying, cheating, stealing, smearing my name, ruining a relationship with someone else when I tried to move on... .etc etc etc... .And yet... .at the same time... .being vulnerable, begging for my help financially, saving her from homelessness a dozen times, sex off the charts when shes wants... .all at the end of the day mean nothing to her.

Ive moved away, started fresh with a new career in a new state, it was all good, going well, withdrawal was manageable BUT I ... .had to go back thousands of miles to deal with my unsold properties... .and I saw her again, called her. We met... .I had four days... .it was a whirlwind of sex and partying, dinners, walks in the mnts, apple picking, and some real breakthrough talking, that lasted for several days, and then it was like it never occurred ... .then just like that, like all the dopamine and endorphins vanished and her brain chemistry rocketed her into cruelness, along with my cash... .telling me how unattractive I was to her anymore... .( didn't stop her from sex bombing me day and night)... .just basically nasty, demeaning, uncaring, abusive things... .said she felt obligated because I helped her out.

I left a day ago, she didn't see me my last nite in town, said she had enough of split black time ... .we spoke on the phone today now that Im back away... .she said she could never love me... .for me to find someone else that will adore me ( like I need her idiotic advice and quite frankly have no problem in this dept) So what is my problem?  I know what it is on an intellectual level. I know Im in denial about my age, I KNOW my own mother could not be physically affectionate with me, I craved her attention and never got it, I know this is my core trauma... .I know I have had and probably still do have narcissistic tendencies because of all that AND... .I am so inexorably drawn to her rejection, trying to find love where I KNOW its impossible to find I KNOW im drawn... .to her youth, to her wildness... . 

She cuckolds me... .a thing Ive never tolerated ever in my life but do with her because if I don't... .she will walk.   She has a parade of exes... .and decides who is worthy of her time... .Ive told her I care about her... and that I miss her... .shes says STOP it... .you make me feel uncomfortable, saying that ___ to me pushes me away... .and yet during the year when Ive walk away she would cry come back, you win, you win... .like a 4 year old. Shes fallen asleep on my chest, my fingers massaging her soft blond curls... .she does want to be held... .and shes held on to me so tightly I thought I would be crushed... .and then she doesn't, like she doesn't remember it. She lives so totally in the moment... .unless you're painted black, unless you have done something she deems to be a crime to herself.  So insane.

She is the mayor of silent treatments... .you can not beat her at this... .if she goes silent, you just have to give up immediately because its a futile exercise to ask why BUT if... .I go NC... .she couldn't care less... .replacements keep her body fully eh busy. There is NO WINNING... .there is no rational thinking. You cant win with someone who just doesn't care about you. Or who has defensive so ingrained in survival nothing, absolutely nothing you say or do, or explain, will matter one bit. Your words are dead to a heart that cant feel... .or hyper feels ... .   Yet she has friends, holds down a job, and goes out and has fun... .her life revolving around the pursuit of Pain killers, cocaine, weed, wine and anxiety meds. Everyday... .how she functions I have no idea. She cant sleep. Shes up all night... .every night... .sleeping with her is exhausting beyond words. Shes going to die young. And this breaks my heart but I cant help her. She manipulates my help. Uses it against me.

She has one ex... .who she seems to need... .but who is so damaged himself he doesn't care what she does. He ignores her.  He gives her chances... .she betrays him... .they break up... .and go back... .over and over for 4 years. Crazy.

Anyway... .Im far away again... .shes not hating me... .we left on relatively decent terms... .but she once again made it bluntly clear that our age difference turns her off. And for me to give up. So I do for months... .and it seems that If I decide to go back to my town for thanksgiving she will be there and probably see me... .

I spent the day on the beach among other things... .thinking... .wondering who I was... .who I am now... .and how the ___ did this happen ... .and why did I let it... .and it doesnt matter... .  what matters is... .recreating a new life and eliminating boredom. Wish me luck... .I need it.  Peace.

Good luck dude.  Being an emotional trash can sucks

Thanks bro... .feeling better today... .

Glad to hear it. Does it feel better to have te distance?

Well your situation is very similar to mine. I'm 17 years older and became pathetically infatiated. I was obsessed about our age difference. She used it against me when emotionally abusing me, but when I mentioned she was too young for me it crushed her every time.

I think your situation is pretty simple as complicated as it is. Read "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Mellody. She is probably Avoidant (fears engulfment) and your relationship has saturated to the point that you have been tamed and she resents your weakness. You trigger her so badly because she senses your desperation and it sends her engulfment thru the roof. When she gets away from you it neutralizes as her fear of losing you kicks in. Then she misses you again and the cycle continues. The problem is every time she sees you and feels your neediness she is drawn away more quickly.

The reason she might still have a strong attachment to the other guy is because he is indifferent towards her. He does not threaten her engulfment as badly. You are  probably right about one thing, it is a dead end with her if you ever expect to have a normal relationship. One other thing. I believe that the fact that you were heading back home far away could have really triggered her fear of abandonment and she pushed back by being ugly. She is not happy. All of her addictions are her way of soothing to get through life.

I lived out the last couple of months just as you described and it was beyond painful to see someone I loved become indifferent toward me one minute and latched on to me like glue the next. It ___ed my head up so badly I still try and process it at times a year later. I feel your pain and I am so sorry you are suffering. Be kind to yourself and take life one day at a time. You are suffering from loss of self esteem. I promise you are not the person you see in the mirror right now. I know you have been NC before and you were getting stronger. You will get back to that point. You will fall in love again and you will get over your ex. It took me over 8 months to think anyone would want or be attracted to me. I'm finding out that I wasn't the ugly dude I saw in the mirror :). You will too. You will get back the mojo that attracted your ex to you in the first place. Keep your head up and fake your way through it for a few months. Concentrate on doing things for yourself. You are just a few months from kicking azz and taking names again!

BTW, after dating exBPD for three years I never felt she was mine either. It hurts but I now realize that it is her issue. I gave her my best and that is all I could do. My shame of embarrassment for being a fool all along has slowly subsided. It was not our fault.

Your situation rings true... .that mojo I used to have... that swag... .  obliterated. I get plenty of attention... .and I thought I would be immune to her inconsistent behavior... .I convinced myself that I didn't care... .Id just have sex... .and feel nothing. At the end of the day, I was becoming more and more like her... .and not able to be my best self.  And then theres that part we know  only too well... .checking your phone for texts and calls... .   I even got a throw away phone, thats the only number she has of mine. I will check it at the end of the day, and feel disappointed. Addiction... .even a negative response is better then  none... .  Its not like she is in hate mode... .shes just totally indifferent because shes with a parade of other newbies and exes... .and Im not available to be used for rent or cash to by drugs... .

In a sick pathetic way I guess I exploited her... .she made every sexual tryst transactional. It is not what I wanted at all... .but it was the only way to spend time with her... .truly pathetic of me. If I told her how I felt she would get angry and tell me in no uncertain terms how NOT into me she was... .  which was ludicrous considering the amount of time we did spend together doing things and going places... .but she used sex to control me. AND she totally knew I was hooked.

Its not that I have any problem at all dating or being with someone... .  its that I have a reverse dysmorphia going... .Im finding it hard to feel attracted to other women. Im convinced time will heal that... but it does suck fighting this internal battle.

Yeah man... .the distance is the end game. It truly helps

I can understand that thing about not being attracted to other women.

I've had girls who by all accounts are better looking than my sickly, frail bulimic BPD ex, but I dunno I find it hard to be interested.  It's like even flirting is a massive effort, and I'm a very flirty person, I usually love it.

There is a song about this.

Bad Co.

"Good Lovin Gone Bad"... .

Run... .fast... .and don't look back.

Trauma bonding? Feel like you're betraying your ex? I had that problem for almost a year after the breakup/NC.

this is a very hard thing to counter. i'm 15 months since i was blindsided, and i've had to be more than once assured that divorcing my wife is a proper moral approach. even my parish priest thinks so. yet until about 6 weeks ago it was like a pebble in my subconscious, that i was divorcing her and not she me.

the distance and the time really do help. that's a little frustrating, because you can't hurry time. somehow, very early after the betrayal i took some decisions based on rationality and not on emotion, and now it's clear these were the best decisions i made: i filed first, which gave me control of the clock, i waited for my emotions to catch up with me, i got a good (i think) lawyer, i cleared away the other things that were impinging. i'm not sure where i got the strength to do this. perhaps we can look at our situations from the outside: what if this happened to a friend of ours, and not to us? how would we advise that fellow? could we act on the advice we'd give?

Split black, i think you should make it your mission to fall in love with another woman. Of course you want to wait until you're ready--but for me being ready didn't mean that i waited (years) before completely processing the buffoonery of my r/s with my ex. to me i just wanted to make sure that i could be honest and clear with the partner i was with. now, there was some foul-play on my part here--full disclosure, i ended up breaking things off with the woman i was dating to try and recycle the ex. which was painful for her i know, yet i did this before being fully committed with the bf/gf vows. still, i was extremely fortunate to patch things up a month later... .i digress.

what i mean is this. physical attraction played a big part in my attachment to xuBPDgf as well. and for four years i literally trained myself to only have eyes for her, out of respect for our r/s. so it was very hard shedding this bad case of "one-itis". however, when i finally got my head on straight i started to question everything about what i found attractive. what i decided for myself was this--i was currently seeing a healthy woman who treated me nicely. so, if i was capable of caring for the beast of a woman my xBPDgf was then i for damn sure could show love and respect to the person i was with who respected me (and herself, very much).

first, i swore off any and all contact with exBPDgf as this had already caused issues for me. there was no way in hell i was going to hurt my new gf again due to my own issues with the ex. so ex got cut off.

then, i decided that i would align my actions with how the woman i was seeing treated me. i was attracted to her, and sex was off the charts, but alas i was still dealing with some of the aftermath of aforementioned one-itis-ness. so the more respectful and nice my current gf was, i gave it back to her in droves (at least tried my best). all the sweet sht i wished i could do for the undeserving ex, i poured this into my new r/s. so i just pushed forward and didn't allow myself to succumb to the "what could have-beens" with the old bag, and converted these drowned dreams into a reality with my current gf. i always wanted to go to a particular national state park with ex, but she was too stupid so we never went. so, i went with gf and had a blast. i missed making home cooked meals and sharing them with someone, so my new gf got a personal chef maybe once a week. for some reason my ex hated going to movie theaters, so me and new gf would do the old school movie night with popcorn and kissing that i was missing out on... .

and with this gf i remember saying to myself at first "oh, i like her a lot... .but i'm not falling in love... ." >> BULL&^%$! I totally fell in love with her after a couple more months together. and it was restorative. and it was healthy.

underlying all of this was my belief that i needed to be responsible with my love. i have a lot to give but not enough to dump down a bottomless pit of ungratefulness. i'd rather live wounded and righteous than be wounded whilst longing for a trollop. give me pain, anger, depression and freedom any day over pain, anger, depression and me being an orbiter and enabler to some mentally disordered person. that's just the line i drew in the sand. i remember i used to have these rolling depressions that would creep up and last a few days at a time. and i remember one time becoming aware i was depressed (i wouldn't become aware until after a couple of days wondering why i was eating take out and watching Netflix all day :) and i just told anger and depression, you know what? you can kiss my ass honestly. i've done this before. you keep visiting me but i've done this before and i know i'll be fine if i waste enough time--is this all you got? because i'm not changing a damn thing and i'm not going back to that craziness. i can survive *years* on take out and Netflix you idiots! just try me! ... .but of course, all of this started to go away and happen less frequently.

i digress, but back to my original point of falling in love with someone else. question your motives, challenge what you find attractive. just as we know we have to judge our exes by their actions and behaviors, on the same token judge the next person you are with who treats you well and reflect their wholesomeness.

she was young and hot and exciting. but, that's really all she has going for her. so that's all you have to really address within yourself. devalue your need for this. reevaluate your attraction and attachments, and challenge them. try giving only to those who give back to you what feels right, just for a while as an experiment. and i think for me it's bringing me closer to finding what i really want.

Goldylamont -- thank you for writing this.  This is the hard, grinding, day-to-day work of recovery.  Your awareness of your internal state, and your willingness to accept it, hold it, and confront it is a factor of recovery that cannot be understated.  Indeed, I think it's the engine of recovery.

Split --  I'm glad you have distance.   The old zen saying applies, "Fall down 53 times, pick yourself up 54."

Ungrateful... .and me a total orbiter and enabler to someone that has the attention span of a butterfly.  And im old enough to realize that her being young and hot was more a reflection of my own loss of youth... .and trying to find love with someone just hard wired to suffer thru life using and abusing an endless supply of beta chumps... .a group im now a member of.

Im depressed. And I usually never succumb to it. Ive always responded to the challenge and faced life's adversity head on. This adventure... .the sex bombing, her path to oblivion via copious amounts of substances and drinking, the relentless come here go away, having to endure ridiculous criticisms, from awesome to an aging skin bag in her eyes ( after Ive helped her out each month of course)  This last tryst, last week, she grabbed my cell phone and saw numbers from women, she accused me of being a liar and that she didn't trust me, lol... .  I said show me yours, to which she said ___ off, Im in my 20's and single, and I don't care who is on your phone ( unreal)   ... . Ive had friends over the decades that have not survived... .I see it in her. Shes killing herself but thinks shes invincible. I tried and tried to help her out. In the beginning when she was enamored with me she would listen. Now I just annoy her and she tells me to stop being her father ... .( she spent her first 7 years in various foster homes. Her birth mother tracked her down and continually asks her for money via facebook... .sick)

Anyway whats the point in ruminating... .Im here, shes there... .and shes very much preoccupied. Im joining a local golf club, just joined a great gym... . new career is enjoyable and very interesting. My young son is here and Im spending days after school on the beach teaching him how to surf... .his mother and I are going to dinner and a movie on the weekend... .and the opportunity to live with them again.

I appreciate your experience and thank you for sharing it with me.

Yes, reminds me of something a 70's tennis champ said after a match, Vitas Gerulaitis said... ."And let that be a lesson to you all. Nobody beats Vitas Gerulaitis 17 times in a row."

    – after beating Jimmy Connors at the January 1980 Masters. Gerulaitis had lost their previous 16 matches.

So shes not going to knock me down 54 times! lol

Well said!

We can overcome anything as long as there is hope and trust and free will. Being with a pwBPD is imprisonment - you are captured, chained and brainwashed to a state of learned helplesness. A promethean punishment.

More true a sentiment there is none. It feels like instead of my liver being eaten while chained to a rock just to regenerate every day... .its my Will, soul, and mind... .with every recycle... folks... .it doesn't ever get better, like ever, and I have yet to read one post from the thousand on this board where two people live happily ever after... .and while the sex is sometimes great, it isn't always... .and the price, the cost you pay is your SELF. In hind sight if I had known what was in store for me... .i would have walked after the first session... .which looking back is what it was... .a sexual session.  Shes a splinter in my mind... .one day at a time... .

what has been working for me is diving into my fears, and it does get scary sometimes, but good scary. to get to my fear i look at my strongest attachments and then i imagine living a life without those attachments fulfilled... .then i ponder on how bad it actually would be? maybe that wouldn't be so bad? maybe not having this attachment at all would be good--or perhaps maybe all that's needed is that i need to make this attachment less important (rather than throw it all away).

this is embarrassing stuff. but here's some free flow pondering i do to explore my desires and fears for not quenching them: how important is it for me to have a very physically attractive woman (the 'hot' girl)? and by this i only mean my own personal preference not anyone else's. while still recognizing my idea of this is often shared. so, going in the opposite direction, what if for the rest of my life i never was with a woman meeting my current criteria of physical attractiveness. could i do this and be happy? how bad would it be to not have this? maybe it wouldn't be so bad. maybe i would be just fekking fine on my own or being with someone i was attracted to without putting so much emphasis on physical attraction. there is freedom here, more choices in partners, less stress of feeling i haven't obtained some stupid elusive goal. finding fulfillment in the moderate and soaking up the same, more happiness than the energy spent in constantly seeking.

the attachment is mine and mine only. i can say this about something i learned from my ex. she is able to fall in 'love' with someone even though to the outside (ignorant) bystander she would be way out of his league. in this case she doesn't really care what others think or how her attachment looks. because momma needs an attachment and compliance is a bit easier with someone a bit more malleable. ok, so i don't want it like this, i don't need or want this much control in a r/s. so i don't need to lower my standards so far just to have an attachment as i don't have such a deep need for one. i can be more patient and wait for a better opportunity--still, it does make me question how much power i'm giving into being with someone of a certain level of physical attraction. i think there's at least something to be gleaned from experiencing how physical attraction means so little to someone, even if the situation isn't one i would want to be in.

good sex i don't have to bend on though. i've been more than fulfilled with healthy women in this regard so i don't feel the need to question this.

i dunno. i just imagine being with a woman purely on how she makes me feel and less about how i'd feel by others looking at us. by writing this i feel like i'm making myself vulnerable to criticisms of being shallow. i really don't feel like i am, i don't think my friends or exes think this of me. still, i think i need to challenge this attachment in me for some reason. i don't have to give up all of my attachment but i'm at a stage right now where i'm questioning how much freedom i am giving up by having it. at the same time i respect and actually enjoy my tendency to want to be surrounded by beauty. i don't need to throw it all out. i know there is no answer. and balance is the only reality. somehow repeatedly thinking over it i think brings me closer to my truth of what this balance is, for me.

I know this is tough; however, No Contact Is The Answer. Fill your mind and time with things and people that are good for you and good to you. Move on. It is painful but if you put one foot in front of the other, you eventually walk away from the hell.

if you don't mind, what was the age difference? Mine was over 10 years, me late 30's her middle/late 20's. Seems like I see this a lot on here

Really good posts, Goldy. The quote above sums it up for me. Where I am is what's left over from such intensity, such supposed closeness, and so much promise. It's what I feel, where I am. Doesn't matter if anyone else even knows about it. I saw things the way I saw them, feel them in the way only I feel them. The ways I connected to her were the ways I connected to her. The ways I'm still hooked are mine to deal with. The ways I've already detached are very personal. She and I together were never really "one". That was mostly a dream, a lie, trying to make the puzzle pieces fit when it wasn't naturally possible. It's inspiring to see that others have made it through their mazes, and continue doing so. Thank you. Hopefully more of us will.

This has been a huge problem for me, If I was brutally honest I lose my sexual appetite with women that don't fit my own personal twisted criteria. Its pathetically shallow. Its painfully narcissistic. My BPD isn't perfect... .and she has flaws (  not many) ... .but I don't see them like I do with other women that Ive ended relationships with... .or just didn't allow relationships. Her combination of rejection, and needing me had my ego bouncing like I was on a trampoline. Ive never walked on egg shells with anyone... .ever... .until now... .I would bite my tongue till i drew blood for fear she would ruin the night or day or whatever we were doing... .and ultimately withhold sex. I became as crazy as she is.

Ultimately it is all about balance.

My longest period of NC was from last Jan until mid April... .  it was brutal. She reached out a couple of times. I ignored it... .then I couldn't. Then she lashed out and went on a smear campaign. Then we hooked up again... .then NC... .then another hook up... .all driven by a desperate predicament, like cant pay rent... .or owed some drug dealer money. Im the only idiot in her rotation that gave her cash, to help her, enable her... .all her other exes or whomever wouldn't or she wouldn't ask. That made me somewhat valuable to keep around. She could not care less about me unless she needed something... .and I would suffer anything after awhile to be intimate with her... .such is the hold she has/had on me. Ive been banished and recycled at least 7 or 8 times in the past year and 3 months.

Shes 26... .  Im... .older then dirt.

And just like that... .I had my cell turned off last night. This morning I looked at it. Two texts from her... Not how are you doing... .not I miss you... .  one said "how would you like to western union me some money".  Four hours later she said... ."its getting cold I need some new boots"

Those texts were VERY sobering. But it fits the pattern... .in the past... .in my post traumatic stress disordered mind I would twist that into thinking it was her way of reaching out and telling me she missed me. Im actually shaking my head and laughing.

Does she really actually think I would wire her money?  Probably... . 

Yeah, that is bad and very transparent. Shows how she views you at the moment. Disgusting really. I guess I should be glad mine has folks with money to spoil her, or I'd be getting the same.


I am sorry you are going through this

for boots? LOL. What a selfish B(word).

Yes, boots. Oh and later today... .several more texts and two calls I didn't answer... .to be texted " this is a rare occurrence, be assured I wont call you again"   Followed by more texts telling me not to ask her to come for a vacation because she never will and doesn't know why shes bothering texting... . huh? lol.  I finally responded... .told her I went surfing today with my son... .ignored her inane other texts and changed the subject... . she texted back... . " great, Im bored"   Well... .at least Im thousands of miles away and the contact is very low... . and I feel a bit better each day... .Withdrawal gets just a little easier.

it's possible that even the request for money and boots was sent more to get on your nerves or devalue you... .who knows, maybe she thought it would work. the other stuff about her not coming to visit you, etc, to me it's pretty obvious this is a threat. she knows she controls things through sex and (false) companionship so she's threatening you by withdrawing this if you don't comply.

below i will leave you a fantasy response that i would text back; in a perfect world with infallible strength... .basically i don't know if i'd actually have the balls to do it but you know... .

>> you seem angry about something. the next time you contact me, you need to have a better attitude. i'm taking some time for myself so i'm going to block your number for 4 days. if after this time, and only if you are in a good mood, then i may respond. if you don't feel like talking after 4 days, that's on you. bye.

 que huevos grandes

Split black, I think that you need to turn off your phone and go surfing with your son more often... .oh... .and you don't need to tell her anything.   

imo, that is exactly what he should do. Clearly the relationship as it stands now is hurting him, also clear is that she has no respect for him (sorry!). The equation he's trying to balance is if the occasional sex and wondrous ego boost of her admiration is worth the far more frequent turmoil and pain he experiences. It seems he knows it's not, thus the attempted detachment.

The only solution is boundaries, boundaries force respect. And she will learn to respect them to get what she still so clearly needs from him. If she can't respect them, she's gone, either her or his choice, but he can take the satisfaction or knowing he stood his ground, and established his boundaries. It's self affirming.

If he needs to go back to the bank for an occasional sex romp and ego boost, then quid bro quo is fine, no different then a mutually beneficial arrangement. Which is essentially what he has today, the only difference is he gets all the toxic dysfunction along with it. If I were him, I'd look into a more conventional mutual beneficial arrangement, get the sex and the ego boost of being with a younger hotter female, minus all the crap.

The desire to have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy individual is folly. We all should know this better then anyone

Yes... .excellent... .Ive gone about 3 months in the past NC. She could not care less. So actually... .for me... .this distance and the inability to see her is what my addiction needs... .contact keeps me ruminating. Makes me realize that if I stuck to my guns after the first devaluation Id be in a much better space in my head with a lot more money in my pocket. Since Ive been here I have not contacted her 1st. When someone else doesn't care at all one way or another... .its just pissing into the wind.

I can do that... .I have a cheap throw away phone, and thats the only number she has. I keep it off 80% of the week. When I check it... .and shes texted or called... .its very hard to not respond. ( addiction at its worst)   Honestly... .I DO  think Ive had enough. This endless capacity for suffering may be coming to an end.

I get the occasional sex... .but without the ego boost anymore... .its totally transactional now... .everything she wants or needs from me is about money or help. Then she actually tells me she doesn't like having sex with me, and how could I have sex with someone who didn't want to have sex with them... .    And then she spins off the charts enjoying herself, her words never aligned with her actions. I would call it making love and she would get angry for me saying that.  Its actually pathetic. 

The distance between her and I now absolutely helps. CLEARLY shes lost all respect for me... and IVE lost all respect for myself allowing the devaluation for sake of sex with her. Its a no win situation... .she feels shame at some level for being with me, the excuse she gives herself... .and when I sucummb to her will that shame is projected out to me and turns into resentment. She has a parade of exes she is with that she will call to swing by. To my knowledge Im the only one she uses for money... .like a sugardaddy. Its beyond dysfunctional.

In the past year and a half we have been together at least 150 times. Thats including being banished and loathed ( no sane reason) for months at a time.

I really am mentally spiritually and physically exhausted by this experience. 

Does she really think I would fly her to me here? Shes said she had no interest in taking a vacation and seeing me but she keeps texting and Ive never asked. She volunteers that. We parted on good terms when I left. Shes really not in full out hate mode at all.  She lives on facebook, we are not friends on it and I cant and don't look, but she insists on showing me while we are on her bed and her laptop is on... .and gives this Im so happy and doing fun things facade to the world. She takes selfies and posts pics of all the fne restaurants Ive taken her... .but the pics are of her. Im not allowed to be seen. Im invisible. Shes embarrassed of our age difference but loved it in the beginning.  Her day, when I was there,  consisted of finding and spending all her money and mine on Painkiller's, coke, weed, and wine... .and anxiety meds.  Shes really not going to survive ... .when I bring it up Im yelled at to stop being her (step) father. Shes highly functional during the day and a BPD, narcissistic beguiling witch behind closed doors.

Time to get on with life. I really feel like a prisoner of war, just set free from confinement and torture. Im in recovery. This is so crazy Im annoyed I have to spend precious time battling the remnants of this in my mind. This board has been my only outlet... .because I found that therapy just wasn't helping. I should probably find a T-doc down here that specializes in BPD and NPD here... .a final brain cleaning.

I think you have a good idea with the T Split black. Have you thought about digging into your stuff?

I think that you care for her. Her drug use has to worry you? I'm sorry that you feel invisible. That has to hurt and invalidate.

yes, best wishes to you on finding a better therapist. this could be the most important personal investment you've ever made. you've been very open and honest here about a lot of vulnerabilities. this shows a lot of awareness and i feel you have the strong desire to get better. wish you the best Split black.

Thanx bro... .

Im tired of feeling this way... .the balance as someone pointed out is addictive sex with her vs being totally disrespected and invalidated. My mission is to find a healthy replacement and to end the year and 4 month of madness... . 

Yeah man... .I gotta find a tdoc that specializes in ptsd. and borderlines... . she texted today, ugh, what crap it was too, why do I bother? Im so far away... .every text triggers me to respond with some sort of stupid informational and welcoming monologue. To which she will pick a few words out of that have zero to do with the content and meaning of what Im trying to convey. It deflates the sentiment behind my attempt at reaching her on any level. And then she will go silent until shes ready to say something inane, could be an hour, days, or weeks... shes in control. She has to be in control.  She is just not interested unless she really needs cash. And her other exes wont play that I can only assume.  I gotta stop talking to her ... .its so toxic. It ruins me for at least 4 hours... .sometimes longer.

I understand the triggers. It's hard.

My triggers were there after the breakup and it took time to detach. When you're saying that you respond back with informational monologues. Do you feel like its parenting her?

She's asking for money because she wants someone to take care of her. Seeing a good T is a good idea Split black. Find one that syncs with you. Getting checked for PTSD is also a good idea.

It takes time for the heart to catch up to the head. You're kind and i think she's taking advantage of your kindness. That's why you are both talking over each other.

Sometimes I know that I'm not dealing with my ex. I'm dealing directly with the disorder. I choose to disengage when I deal with the disorder because it's lose-lose. I got there with detaching and low contact (kids).

It gets better. The triggers lessened with time and very low contact for a few months until I got stronger and out of the FOG.

Ive been away from her for since end of Aug. Went back once last month... .mid sept... .  helped her out with money we had a lot of sex. She devalued the entire time. So since then... after nasty texts from her I went basically NC.  That was sept 28th.  She was mean and nasty. I went silent.

So today I got a text... .it said "Hey, way to not text". " Im in a relationship dont contact me. Thank you."   Huh?

She texts to tell me I didn't text her, the reason being she TOLD me not to before and that particular night "she had company"... .and then today tells me shes hooked up yet again with another poor chump. She says... Im in a relationship don't contact me... .  I think thats exactly what I have been doing based on her devaluing texts a couple of weeks ago. She works FAST.  The thing is, i left on relatively good terms and lots of sex ... .because I " helped her out"      I have not responded, and although Im over a thousand miles away and actually was feeling quite good, everything is falling into place... .new career, family, new friends ( miss my old buddies) , getting familiar with the area... .its fun. Im not bored. There are a ton of pretty healthy women to date. Im getting my mojo back... .  and then WHAM... .a stupid text gets me ruminating... .visualizing her freely giving it up... .again. Its hard. Withdrawal is an extremely arduous and difficult thing... .it takes everything you have and then some... .I don't care if its a substance or a person... .  its hell in your own mind. Its self defeating and shame based... .and goes back to the core of your childhood no matter what your age is. There is no escaping this due to age or experience. If you are not whole it will rear its abysmal head and you will be dragged down emotionally. You can not read it away, you cant intellectualize it away... .you have to deal with it.

There is no sane rational reason why this young girl has had such an effect on my psyche. Childlike innocence encapsulated in an evil ice covered coat of armor... .where reason and normalcy will never exist. Where sexual intensity is confused for love and caring... .where sex is used for control of weak minded men. She wants more, like a 4 year old. She can do whatever she wants to anyone she wants because shes enabled by an endless supply of exes and white knights.  There is NO winning. You cant win with someone who does not care about you on any level other then that of USE. No USE no thoughts about you. You are an object to be used. Sex, or a roof over her head, or cash, or clothes... .whatever ... . 

I got thru the day, text was this morning... .  had a date... .it was sexual. Had FUN.  Now Im back... .looked at the text again... .almost responded... .what more can I say to her that I have not said ten thousand times before?  Thanks for being a total d*ck?  Say a prayer for your new chump?  Be happy... .good luck... .don't worry I wont text... .lol... .   or just silent. Is my silence toward her simply to punish?  All contact with her is a trigger... .sucks me back in.  She gave me a moments thought this morning when she wrote that text before she went about her day looking for substances and doing some bird brained thing... .and I have to sit her and write a doctoral dissertation and grind my teeth to nubs. ugh.   

UGH... .I texted her... .said something nice... .  she got what she wanted. A response... .and all she texted back was "bye"   ... .I waited and texted something nice but profound and mature... .  again... .the response was " bye"   lol   People... .DO NOT RESPOND TO ANYTHING your ex BPD texts or says. You will never get a different result.  Whatever... .Im going surfing and have a date later. What a waste of a good month of NC. grrrrrr... .  :)

She's saying the opposite here really. If she were in a relationship ( I don't doubt that she is ) why would she send a text to say that she is and not be contacted? She's looking for you are emotionally available and she's scared of this new r/s and being abandoned and looking to see if you are availale.


I'm sorry Split black. She knows you'll help her out.


|iiii


Yes, but it's self destructive behavior. To stop enabling is to stop helping her. If you don't help her out and maintain NC, she'll eventually get the picture and move onto another white knight. You're a 1000 miles away.


It's severe Split black. You care for her. It's to detach and stop this dance for you. To take care of yourself. As you say your getting familiar with the new area and making new friends.


It is what is it for now Split black. You replied. Don't be hard on yourself. Go surfing and enjoy your evening with your date. Fall down 7 times, get up 8.

Why did you text back? Did you get what you wanted?

If you break your addiction to her, you'll have years of NC/peace.


|iiii  Take yourself out of the game, man.

Mutt... .I thought I was detached but im not... .its unfathomable, almost incomprehensible why this one particular girl... .at this time of my life, after decades of experience, can have this kind of hold on me. I just have to find a way to not respond... .   truth is she called... .I SPOKE to her... .the bottom line is that she called me 4 times and my cell was off... .then she went on to say what kind of friend am I... .but not before she said she wasn't attracted to me, and was on her way over to her new bf's apt. She said, don't contact me anymore... .I said Im sorry I hurt you not being available, and she hung up saying Ill talk to you later... .what?... .( I swear to god I have to speak to her like she 4 years old) It doesn't matter what she says or does... .it only matters what I do or don't do in her mind... .I cant take take it... .its such a mind ___.  So her going to this new guys apt... .says to me, don't fu*k it up... .lol... .what?  Ive allowed her to cuckold me since day one... .any idea what thats like for an ego like mine!  jesus... .  that is the visual she left me with. lol  I still managed to radically accept reality for what it is... .and the reality is ... .shes not coming here... .and Im not living there... .what the hell am I holding on to? One more time in her bed? Im more insane then she is in a different way.

I texted back because I just absolutely couldnt stop myself. It was a massive mistake which made me feel so god damn horrible for hours. Visualizing and ruminating until I snapped my pathetic ass out of it and got a grip.   The thing is I am out of the game... .Im a thousand miles away and still allowing her to get her NPD/BPD ass off at my expense... .what did she say... .about seeing this guy... .yet another... ." Im a beautiful blonde 26 year old"  huh?  And what does that mean?  I can bang who ever I want when ever I want and I should be grateful that Im allowed crumbs... .  jeeeezus.     I was feeling so damn good ... .contact is so incredibly self destructive.  Nothing will ever change... .ever.

Your addicted buddy.

Don't beat yourself up Split black. I apologize if you've already gone to PI. I think you mentioned your FOO? Have you dug into your own stuff to look for answers there?

Have you posted in Personal Inventory?

It has taken me years to not engage... .ever... in any media or in person.  If I see her walking toward me somewhere I turn my head and beat feet... .It is always some self-serving power trip or put down, although it starts out nicer to hook me first.  Jeeeez... .it was NEVER like that when we were together (I guess that was the mirroring of my loving behavior toward her?)... It all changed when she hooked up with her new supply and ran off. It still baffles and upsets me that is why I come here... .the whole interaction just damaged me emotionally so deeply... .

It's more than just NC. It is a mindset that changes your reality. Split Black, you deserve better than what she has to offer you and you know that logically. This logic needs to become your reality. If you are going to think about her, think about her negative attributes. You know that a relationship with her is a dead end so accept that she can go nowhere with someone else. Take back your life. She owns it right now.

Think that you are above her because you are. Keep reminding yourself that you alone control your own destiny.  She is in your head and she will stay there until you make the decision to let it go. If you wanted her out of your life you would stop responding. You are going to drive yourself nuts until you are honest with yourself about wanting to detach from her. If you have a weak moment after she texts something like she did respond with indifference (OK, good luck). Doing so allows you to keep your self respect. You owe that to yourself.  You can get over her but not until you truly commit yourself to doing it. You can do this.

I understand totally... .
She is so annoying, I feel like shes an incurable rash. Just when I think Im healed I have another outbreak. Im angry too much of the day.  I have made the decision to let it go. It does help. But I have not been tested yet again... .she with a new target. A brand new unknowing target. Spreading those log legs yet again.

Quick update... .  yesterday out of nowhere, mid afternoon, got a text and it said " its for the best, thanks for everything, good luck, goodbye don't contact me."   I thought that was what she said the day before. Where is this stupidity coming from... .AGAIN. Its not like we haven't discussed it ad nauseam. And she PROMISED when I gave her rent last month she would never do it again, and my being a thousand or more miles away makes it UNNECESSARY.   LIKE A FOOL... .I texted and told her to take care and good luck to her. Her response was " who is this?"  lmao.  What an assh*le. I mean really.  I responded its the guy you called 4 times in two weeks when my cell was off and texted yesterday. Her response was this is "xxx's mother, she asked you not to text."   I said... .really, umm no thats not true... .She said "yes it is and said my name and said she told you twice".  I said no thats not true call me. ( Never met her adopted mother)  Response was " absolutely not"  ... .and being at this point inexorably sucked into the black abyss of this grade school conversation... .I said...   Well, this is absurd... .tell xxx I said good luck... .which is really what my initial text said anyway... .I think.  The curt response was " Thank you" 

  Now Im almost 1000 percent sure it was my ex. Her cell is her life line and its never ever far away from her ... .like EVER. No one goes near it for fear of death and of course ultimate exposure of her sneaking lies... .  So... .  I was so disgusted with myself... .I know Ive said this a thousand times on this board but if the dumb C*nt is going to such a retarded extreme not to talk to me after she complained Im not a friend and not available to talk ( on her way to her new ___s apt the other day I might add)  Ive just had it. I just want to pull my own hair out with a garden rake... .  I will not, I will not get sucked back into insanity. I AM DONE. 

|iiii

i was the only young guy that my ex was with. i am 26 and she is 29. all her past partners were 45+ years old. from what i have learned that most BPDs (females) seek a daddy figure to rewrite history of their trauma with their own dads whether it was emotional unavailability or sexual abuse (incest). she was divorced to a 50 years old guy (25 years age difference between them) and guess what her following exs were 48 and 52. she got 2 abortions. they really learn nothing from their "experiences". they just repeat the pattern like a zombie on a treadmill.

Split... .She owns you right now.  She is texting to see if you will respond.  You are such a trigger to her that ya'll could never work things out.  She probably does not want to lose the attachment with you but at the same time knows she can't be with you.  Sad thing is you don't know how many other people she has the same attachment too.  That was one of the hardest things for me to accept.  You have to stop responding and act like you don't care.  You will feel better about yourself again once you reestablish your "control".  Keep acting like you don't care until you really don't care any more.  Slow process and lots of bumps in the road as you know, but it is what it is and we are all better off once we finally detach.  You have to go NC.  You are too addicted to do it any other way.  Also, don't give her anymore fcking money!  She doesn't deserve it for one thing and its also just another excuse for you to keep your attachment with her.  There are good women out there but you have to detach from her before you can/want to give yourself to anyone else.  I feel for you.  I am so fortunate that I have cut clean ties with my ex.  Neither of us has attempted any contact.  It makes it so much easier to detach.