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Some of you have read my story, but my question is pretty straight forward.   

I've been doing the push/pull/come here/go away dance with my exBPD for basically three years now.  Every time I've set boundaries with her (in her mind rejected her) she has told me to never contact her again, leave her the F alone, etc etc.  Most of the time I tried to discuss the situation rationally and when that never worked I went NC basically. I dabbled with a text here and there, but pretty much NC.

Every-single-time within weeks/months she reestablished contact with me and made up some sort of reason for doing so.  "I miss and love you", "I need your help", etc.  This last rejection of mine caused her to lash out very badly and tell me that she will file a restraining order if I "continue to bother her".  That was definitely a new twist to the "leave me alone" that I'm used to hearing.  Needless to say I'm going NC again after hearing that, but I guess my question for everyone is how likely is it for me to hear from her again on a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most likely considering she tossed the restraining order comment my way. Is she finally serious about not talking to me anymore or am I fooling myself.

I'm thinking I should consider protecting myself this time by changing my number or paying to block her. 

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

IMHO, she'll be back... .For sure!

Mine even came back after 6 years... .

I think now (after 14 years of push/pull crap) im not so sure he will anymore since I know too much about his condition. He needs someone he can leech on, someone clueless. But Im prepared for it... .

My gut says she will too, but I'm very interested in every ones take on this.

She just threw a major curve ball with the 'restraining order' (I still take that seriously fyi, so I will remain 100% NC) comment.  It wasn't like I was contacting her to death the last couple of weeks after the rejection either.  I texted her once on Monday and then she let lose.

I would take it serious too. Im so sorry she acted like this. It makes no sense!

Ive heared of women BPD making false domestic violence alligations and guys actually getting in trouble with the law. I think NC will be safest for you. Im not saying she will do that to you, but when a RO is thrown in your face I'd better be safe then sorry.

Sucks that they go to these extremes! To think they once loved and adores us! 

Yea it does suck especially since she stirred up all kinds of emotions in me two weeks prior by saying "I love you and miss you and think about you every day".   She was partially intoxicated when she called and was very demanding about what she wanted me to do so I rejected her.  She also lives 1500 miles away now so it was a very unrealistic request considering all the factors involved, but as you know they have the mind of a 3 year old and see things in black and white and are very impulsive and want things on their timetable. 

I'll stay NC and not look at her Facebook as it only keeps her alive in my head, but I was just trying to confirm my own thoughts about her contacting me again in the not too distant future regardless of what she said to me on Monday.

I highly suggest blocking her on facebook and phone. If she needs to reach you She can email you and that way you have a paper trail. If she ever threatens you legally that way you have evidence of her contacting you. I have restricted my pwBPD from any contact except email for that reason. It leaves me time to react calmly and established a simply boundary.  It also creates evidence of their contacting you and your responses.

My gut says she will contact you again. Mostly because my gut says mine will contact me again and mine is doing things he has never done before too. But maybe that's just what we've become used to so imagining that they won't is hard for us to wrap our heads around. For me, I can't fathom not hearing from him because I don't know how he is being so strong and NOT contacting me, it goes against everything he has ever shown me.

This sums up my thoughts too.  She's not strong enough to stay away and has demonstrated that every single time.  She's also demonstrated that no matter how horrible the argument or how horrible the stuff I've done (according to her) it seems to evaporate into oblivion in a relatively short period of time.   She's guaranteed herself NC from me though with the threat of a restraining order.  That didn't go over very well with me at all.

Honestly, I think they just push and push and push and push. ":)o you love me now?" ":)o you love me now?" "How about now?" "What if I say this?" ":)o you love me now?" "Still?" "What about now?" It just gets deeper and deeper and deeper, more and more and more to the point where we are tolerating these things that we would never have imagined ourselves tolerating.

The thing with my expbd is she REFUSED to believe I loved her.  It was more like "you don't love me" "no you don't" "actions speak louder than words"... .on and on and on and on.  The main reason why I didn't take a lot of action at times was because I was constantly trying to set boundaries with her out of control behavior, but she took that as I didn't love her.  

On the other hand I was told "you have no idea how much I love you", and the irony in that is all she gave me was words and there was never any actions to back that up. Certainly not how she treated me, and cheated on me.  There are not enough "actions" in the world that could make them feel secure in their incredibly insecure world.  At least that's my opinion.

She will be back... .You can bet the bank on it.

Mine always knew I loved him, knew it too well, I think. Until I "turned on him and took my love away". Which makes no sense, right? I mean, hell, my love is still here, right here, sitting here trying to make sense of it all. Yours said you didn't because it was never enough, it's never enough, no matter what you did (me too), it was never going to be enough. Their need is bottomless.

Do your best to keep her out of your life. NC is for you, to protect yourself and find a better understanding of what you're going through. She's not really someone you can trust, making threats like that, acting the ways she has. She knows you've seen through her and her shame makes her extra defensive. If not killing then getting a r.o. on the messenger.  

Good. It'll help you detach and move on much faster. We all need to live the consequences of our actions and the choices we make. PwBPD, too.

Crookedeuphoria: Yea it was never enough... Just like the saying "what have you done for me lately" It seems to be how they conduct themselves in reference to the constant reassurance/love they need.  I began to tell myself as I got to know her that she was in love with the idea of love, but had no clue what it actually felt like. At least what it felt like for us nons.  I'm a firm believer if you don't love yourself to some extent you can't really love someone else, and we know the BPD pretty much loathes themselves at any given time to we pretty much have our answer there.  

Myself: Yea, she absolutely cannot be trusted. When I saw that text pop on Monday I was pretty taken back because even for her (which is saying a lot) it was a new low in her ability to be dangerous.  Here's a girl who called me partially sober at 3:00am, asked me to come and get her in AZ and drop everything that day after not talking to me for basically all summer.  That and about 30 minutes into the conversation there was an oh by the way "I'm on a dating site and have gone out with three different guys in the last couple of weeks and if you don't come and get me I have another guy interested next week"... Pretty much a verbatim quote.  So naturally she got REJECTED by me... So Monday I texted her and asked how she was doing and she said "you didn't come and get me when I begged you, and you did nothing! Don't ever bother "me" again or i'll file a restraining order". If this wasn't so sick and twisted I'd almost be laughing.  

I got hit with a false DV charge and a RO in June. Yet got a anonymous text saying sorry I miss you last night. She had or has a boyfriend, she either should have kept him or work on getting him back. I am not going back to that rodeo!

Mine dropped me like a bad habit. I pray she wont return. Im ruined as it is. She has the replacement now.

I think it depends on whether on not she is with someone else. My ex was contacting her ex when I told her I was leaving. We had dated for three years. When I told her I thought she was going back to him she said she wasn't and that he had been dating someone for 1-1/2 years.  So you never know what they will do. I guess that's why they keep people on the back burner. It doesn't matter though because once things go bad they will just get worse and worse. You really need to stay with NC. You have to break your addiction.

I have no doubt in my mind she could file the RO and contact me with the "I miss you" routine not to long after.  I've seen her do some super crazy things and be back to business as usual in an extremely short period of time.

I agree if she finds someone I may not hear from her, but when she did find someone when I was with her before she began to devalue them really fast. Even with her dating sites she says she's "picky", but the reality is she's devaluing them about the same time as she likes them. It's very odd even for BPD behavior. Anyone see their BPD actually look to devalue like that so fast?

Regardless, it's NC for me or the addiction will never break.

First off i want to thank you for starting this thread Ray, its spot on and really relating to alot of what im personally dealing with in my current stage of growth/recovery.


 

You are absolutely correct and this is not love only the feeling which is different than true unconditional love which is a choice and an action. Well what they feel for all intensive purposes would be called conditional love because well is that not what its completely based in? In that moment they "love" you because of a condition they have created or has arose in their life or within themselves. So the "need" you to assuage or fix that with your unconditional love because the energy in that alone is one of the most powerful in this universe. They feel this source of strength in you and see it as a way to "save" them from themselves. Unfortunately even unconditional love has its limits in terms of being enough to actually change anothers path. Because honestly thats all a pwBPD i believe wants is to find a light at the end of the tunnel. Its just that in this process its actually a catch 22 because the more our love tries to guide them towards this light the more they falter and stray from the path we try to guide them towards. It also truly hinders their growth because although this process may seem to be working at times the "love is enough" philosophy... well all its really doing is enabling the same patterns of behaviors that got them stuck in the darkness long before us and will keep them there long after us if they truly dont have the drive from within to want the change that they claim to seek. When chaos is all you know peace seems to be less comforting then one would think. Its new and scary, also requires them to walk a path alone not with some partner surrogated as the parent holding the childs hand all the way through this. Giving them the "love" and "happiness" they seek when truly enlightenment for the human condition requires this to be produced from within ones self. Self reliance is freedom and anything else binds us us from the true potential we inherently were created to achieve.

As for being in love with the idea of love i can attest completely because i point blank asked me ex "So what is your definition of love, what does it mean to you?" She just sat there and stared at me blankly for a while. Then got all flustered and frustrated as i could tell she was trying to find an answer within in herself she had no way of finding. She of course couldnt come up with the answer and started to say something only to tell me to "drop it." She knew shed been found out that she was trying to sustain something she couldnt with someone else let alone in her own self. Ive always challenged her when i truly feel its a claim thats based with such adherent truth that to deny id be not only letting her down but completely letting myself down too. If we don't have morality and ideals then what separates man from beast i ask? I believe we as humans have certain codes we need to live by and devise throughout our lives otherwise we have no firm consistent basis to base our emotional and logical mind behind making us no different then them. We have the ability that they do not without treatment... the synthesis of both minds into the wise mind because only through wisdom does man truly achieve.

Hey Chasing, you still didn't give me your prediction... .Will contact me or won't contact me again?  

I like what you've said here and it seems everyone who has posted on this thread are all on the same page (no pun intended).  Many of the dynamics you've explained I personally witnessed in my exBPD female.  

My bad Ray kinda got sidetracked on my soapbox.  :)

Let me put it this way... the siren will sing her song again because well... thats what sirens are created to do. lol

The mere thought of it makes me want to vomit... .

Yes it is certain she will contact you again.  After the RO threat you would be foolish indeed to respond.  When they need something from you they have no scruples whatsoever.

I'd be a complete idiot to respond, let's be honest.  I've bitten every-single-time when she has contacted me seemingly after weeks/months. (usually weeks), but this time with the RO threat? I have a lousy track record when it comes to that (answering her calls/texts) and lets face it, she KNOWS that and uses it to her advantage.

This time the line needs to be drawn, I'm still super pissed about that unfounded threat from her.  I know it sounds like I'm trying to convince myself here, but I'm not.  I have an incredibly high tolerance for things, probably the co-dependent in me, but I don't take kindly to being threatened.   

Thanks for the input.

Well, all of you were right.  Two calls (no voicemail) and a text that I deleted and didn't read about an hour ago.   My anxiety levels went through the roof when I saw her number hit my phone... .  6 days ago she threatened a restraining order... .I have not contacted her at all and now she's trying to contact me when we live 1500 miles apart?

Any thought on what the HELL is her major malfunction?   I'm soo upset!

No way she has nice juicy N-supply if she's contacting me THIS SOON after painting me black... .How could someone paint you black and 6 days later paint you white...

You may want to hang on to those texts. You might need them in support of your defense!

I was just thinking the same thing. I would keep all texts and phone records. I would look kind of pathetic to file a restraining order if you have been contacting the person the whole time. It would look crazy time, lol... .

Who knows why they do what they do. Mine contacted me a few days ago via text and just like you as soon as I saw the number my anxiety shot through the roof. Delete it and take care of yourself.  The one thing a BPD can't stand is when they see you living your life and being happy.

Her sister just texted me. Says she's drunk, which explains why she contacted me.  I did delete the text and didn't read it.  My ex is a horrible-horrible alcoholic and there isn't enough pages here to explain how bad her alcoholism is, but it very likely will kill her someday and that's not just a prediction from a non-professional like my self.   She's been fairly sober the last 10 months but fell off the wagon three weeks ago and I knew that's all it would  take for her to start back up... Apparently she has.  So sad... .It's the one aspect of her that I have ultimate compassion for because I've never seen anyone drink that much and abuse themselves that much with that addiction before.  One time she  blew a 6... .and that's not a .6 folks... .it was a 6. She was arrested because she was a danger to herself and the cop said in 30 years he'd never seen anything like it... That happened a few times while I was dating her.

May also contact while you're still seen as a scapegoat.

It's about looking for control while feeling out of control.

They see themselves this way too. Idealized, devalued, etc.

I never wrapped my mind around it like that before.  Thanks.

Yea, she is crazy time.  Calls me twice, texts me and then threatens a restraining order because she accused me of calling her with a blocked phone number after she contacted me.  I totally ignored her is what I did.  It's probably some sick way for her to get me to respond or something.   She was drunk too because her sister texted me and confirmed.  She's completely out of control.  I don't know anything about restraining orders, but don't you have to show you've been contacted?  They won't see my number anywhere on here phone or in her phone records.

my ex gf had to put a restraining order (she was BPD funny) on my sociopath ex sounds really dramatic... lol but anyway... she has to prove beyond a doubt that you have been threatening her and putting her in danger.

she CAN NOT put a restraining order on you just for phone calls and texts. my ex socio... .(I didn't put a restraining order on him myself) has gone text crazy on me... even threatening to KILL me. And I was told that wasn't enough. But they didn't take texts as seriously then as they do now... .

None the less... she would have to prove she could be in danger b/c of you. A couple of phone calls and texts... is NOT enough for a judge to seriously grant that kind of judgment on you.

That sh** ruins peoples lives... they do not take that lightly. Nothing you have said even makes me believe she has anything on you to file that. You could call her 20 times this week... that is still NOT enough to file a restraining order on you.

And to answer your question... I have a feeling I'm not going to hear from my last BPD ex (male) again. Painted black.

Thanks that makes me feel better.  I've never had an issue with the law and I don't want to start now.  She texts and calls from 1500 miles away and wants to retrain me? Just nuts. Thing is when she drinks she calls everyone and everybody and doesn't remember who half the time.  She left me a voicemail last night and said I called and hung up on her 5 time blocked. It sure as hell wasn't me and that could have been anyone.  If it ever came down to it I'd have phone records to back it up that I didn't call her at all last night and she was the one generating the contact.   I'm just going to pay to have her number blocked, which I should have done a while ago.

Unrealistic? Try this one. The last time she splits, she moves 200 miles leases a house for a year, puts a three grand deposit on it. Then three months later calls out of the blue and just blurted out "my life is crap without you" then expects me to sell my house and move there. I tell her no damn way, so she trys to bribe me by offering to buy me an antique store. I mean it was ludicrous,  she's a flight attendant?  Not Rockefeller. So I tell her no again. So she moves loses her deposit. And pays two grand to a mover.

I guess it depends on a couple things... .

-if they have a replacement in the form of a white knight, they will submerge themselves fully in that experience and will have no "need" for us in this time.

-if they sense that there may still be some supply available from us (this will come in handy if the replacement option is starting to shake a bit) they may reach out and have us at the ready for when they "need" supply in any form

I have been strict NC for over four months now. She hasn't contacted me in almost 3 months. I'm healing and I assume she is distracted somewhere else. Sometimes, in my weaker moments, I want to just hear from her but most of the time I am relieved to have the space and peace to move on without her tornado disturbing my world. I believe that I am being protected by NC from her as well.

Knowing that I am only supply also makes it easier to ignore her and get on with my own life. If she were to try and reconnect, I know that her motives would not be pure and that strengthens my resolve when it comes to NC.

Peace

Raybo48,

Block her on Facebook, Block her phone number on both your cell and landline. Or if you can't block her get a new cell number. Its not worth a run in with the police. EVER!

If she is blocked for everything but email you can set all her emails to dump to a specific file and that way you don't have to read them until you are ready. They also leave a paper trail that will give you a legal leg to stand on if she continues to threaten you. 

Read the MANY MANY posts on here of exs with BPD who have filed false complaints and made them stick. False assault complaints, stalking complaints and what not. Its not worth the risk.

My best friend is a cop and my sibling is a lawyer and both have been really clear that false accusations can ruin lives. So don't mess around. By blocking her first you show a pattern of trying to disconnect from the relationship and move on. Then DON"T CONTACT HER! I have blocked mine on Facebook and unfriended al his friends and only take emails at this point. I am not particularly afraid of mine and would in fact like to try and repair the relationship but I am not taking any chances. In my case his psychologist told him not to contact me and he still did. So you never know what they will do. The only thing predictable about them is that they are unpredictable.

I  blocked her on Facebook after that nonsense the other night and I'm setting up a block on my phone.  She does have my email, but doesn't like emailing so it will have to be her only avenue.  The thing is I know her pattern all too well.  When she drinks she uses her phone as a roving rolodex and calls everyone all-day-long, especially ex boyfriends.  When I was with her I used to think these guys were trying to stay in contact with her, but it was the other way around.  Her BPD/deregulation really kicks in high gear when she's intoxicated and it appears she's rapidly falling off the wagon out in AZ, which I thought would happen so her contacting me is only going to get worse and much more frequent as her drinking progresses.

You are right though, it's not worth taking a risk.  My good friend is an attorney and he said it would take a lot for a judge to issue an RO 1500 miles away on a few communications, but it's still not worth the risk.  There is nothing positive about staying in contact with her because all she wants to do is rage at me because I've rejected her and the alcohol brings it out in her even more.   

Lack of impulse control.  My ex is the same.  She's spent thousands to get her anesthesia license (it didn't transfer from WI) for dental hygienist yet she called me three weeks ago and wanted me to come get her... .Quit her two jobs, pack up everything, blow off the license, and live with me... Then once I rejected that crazy behavior two weeks later she told me not to contact her or she'd file a restraining order.     

My T is always telling me" past behavior is indicative of future performance" and he hasn't been wrong yet.

Absolutely no question about it, and holds true 100% in the case of my exBPD. 

Since she gets no help from a T, doesn't go to AA anymore, or even thinks she has a problem history repeats itself for her on a regular basis.  Like clockwork.  Now that I've had time to wrap my head around all the dysfunction I participated in I'm glad I jumped off the merry-go-round. 

My ex BPD filed a restraining order against me when I saw her with my replacement by accident two blocks from my house.  She claimed that I was "stalking" her even though she was two blocks away from my house and she lives about 5 miles away.  They will go to extremes to try and ruin you and make themselves look and feel better.  After she filed the restraining order I followed strict NC.  At the court hearing three weeks after she filed the restraining order it was dismissed  because I had not contacted her nor had I been any threat to her at all.  The best bet when someone threatens or files for a restraining order is to stay as far away from them as you can.  

Yea, and a hearing would involve me flying to Mesa AZ (I'm in the Chicago area) to defend myself.   Not a very cheap venture to defend complete lies.  Thanks for the advice.