What are the odds of hearing from my expbd again this time?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Some of you have read my story, but my question is pretty straight forward.   

I've been doing the push/pull/come here/go away dance with my exBPD for basically three years now.  Every time I've set boundaries with her (in her mind rejected her) she has told me to never contact her again, leave her the F alone, etc etc.  Most of the time I tried to discuss the situation rationally and when that never worked I went NC basically. I dabbled with a text here and there, but pretty much NC.

Every-single-time within weeks/months she reestablished contact with me and made up some sort of reason for doing so.  "I miss and love you", "I need your help", etc.  This last rejection of mine caused her to lash out very badly and tell me that she will file a restraining order if I "continue to bother her".  That was definitely a new twist to the "leave me alone" that I'm used to hearing.  Needless to say I'm going NC again after hearing that, but I guess my question for everyone is how likely is it for me to hear from her again on a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most likely considering she tossed the restraining order comment my way. Is she finally serious about not talking to me anymore or am I fooling myself.

I'm thinking I should consider protecting myself this time by changing my number or paying to block her. 

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[Raybo48]

Some of you have read my story, but my question is pretty straight forward.   

I've been doing the push/pull/come here/go away dance with my exBPD for basically three years now.  Every time I've set boundaries with her (in her mind rejected her) she has told me to never contact her again, leave her the F alone, etc etc.  Most of the time I tried to discuss the situation rationally and when that never worked I went NC basically. I dabbled with a text here and there, but pretty much NC.

Every-single-time within weeks/months she reestablished contact with me and made up some sort of reason for doing so.  "I miss and love you", "I need your help", etc.  This last rejection of mine caused her to lash out very badly and tell me that she will file a restraining order if I "continue to bother her".  That was definitely a new twist to the "leave me alone" that I'm used to hearing.  Needless to say I'm going NC again after hearing that, but I guess my question for everyone is how likely is it for me to hear from her again on a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most likely considering she tossed the restraining order comment my way. Is she finally serious about not talking to me anymore or am I fooling myself.

I'm thinking I should consider protecting myself this time by changing my number or paying to block her. 

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[Recooperating]

IMHO, she'll be back... .For sure!

Mine even came back after 6 years... .

I think now (after 14 years of push/pull crap) im not so sure he will anymore since I know too much about his condition. He needs someone he can leech on, someone clueless. But Im prepared for it... .

[Raybo48]

IMHO, she'll be back... .For sure!

Mine even came back after 6 years... .

I think now (after 14 years of push/pull crap) im not so sure he will anymore since I know too much about his condition. He needs someone he can leech on, someone clueless. But Im prepared for it... .

My gut says she will too, but I'm very interested in every ones take on this.

She just threw a major curve ball with the 'restraining order' (I still take that seriously fyi, so I will remain 100% NC) comment.  It wasn't like I was contacting her to death the last couple of weeks after the rejection either.  I texted her once on Monday and then she let lose.

[Recooperating]

IMHO, she'll be back... .For sure!

Mine even came back after 6 years... .

I think now (after 14 years of push/pull crap) im not so sure he will anymore since I know too much about his condition. He needs someone he can leech on, someone clueless. But Im prepared for it... .

My gut says she will too, but I'm very interested in every ones take on this.

She just threw a major curve ball with the 'restraining order' (I still take that seriously fyi, so I will remain 100% NC) comment.  It wasn't like I was contacting her to death the last couple of weeks after the rejection either.  I texted her once on Monday and then she let lose.

I would take it serious too. Im so sorry she acted like this. It makes no sense!

Ive heared of women BPD making false domestic violence alligations and guys actually getting in trouble with the law. I think NC will be safest for you. Im not saying she will do that to you, but when a RO is thrown in your face I'd better be safe then sorry.

Sucks that they go to these extremes! To think they once loved and adores us! 

[Raybo48]

IMHO, she'll be back... .For sure!

Mine even came back after 6 years... .

I think now (after 14 years of push/pull crap) im not so sure he will anymore since I know too much about his condition. He needs someone he can leech on, someone clueless. But Im prepared for it... .

My gut says she will too, but I'm very interested in every ones take on this.

She just threw a major curve ball with the 'restraining order' (I still take that seriously fyi, so I will remain 100% NC) comment.  It wasn't like I was contacting her to death the last couple of weeks after the rejection either.  I texted her once on Monday and then she let lose.

I would take it serious too. Im so sorry she acted like this. It makes no sense!

Ive heared of women BPD making false domestic violence alligations and guys actually getting in trouble with the law. I think NC will be safest for you. Im not saying she will do that to you, but when a RO is thrown in your face I'd better be safe then sorry.

Sucks that they go to these extremes! To think they once loved and adores us! 

Yea it does suck especially since she stirred up all kinds of emotions in me two weeks prior by saying "I love you and miss you and think about you every day".   She was partially intoxicated when she called and was very demanding about what she wanted me to do so I rejected her.  She also lives 1500 miles away now so it was a very unrealistic request considering all the factors involved, but as you know they have the mind of a 3 year old and see things in black and white and are very impulsive and want things on their timetable. 

I'll stay NC and not look at her Facebook as it only keeps her alive in my head, but I was just trying to confirm my own thoughts about her contacting me again in the not too distant future regardless of what she said to me on Monday.

[hope2727]

I highly suggest blocking her on facebook and phone. If she needs to reach you She can email you and that way you have a paper trail. If she ever threatens you legally that way you have evidence of her contacting you. I have restricted my pwBPD from any contact except email for that reason. It leaves me time to react calmly and established a simply boundary.  It also creates evidence of their contacting you and your responses.

[crookedeuphoria]

My gut says she will contact you again. Mostly because my gut says mine will contact me again and mine is doing things he has never done before too. But maybe that's just what we've become used to so imagining that they won't is hard for us to wrap our heads around. For me, I can't fathom not hearing from him because I don't know how he is being so strong and NOT contacting me, it goes against everything he has ever shown me.

[Raybo48]

My gut says she will contact you again. Mostly because my gut says mine will contact me again and mine is doing things he has never done before too. But maybe that's just what we've become used to so imagining that they won't is hard for us to wrap our heads around. For me, I can't fathom not hearing from him because I don't know how he is being so strong and NOT contacting me, it goes against everything he has ever shown me.

This sums up my thoughts too.  She's not strong enough to stay away and has demonstrated that every single time.  She's also demonstrated that no matter how horrible the argument or how horrible the stuff I've done (according to her) it seems to evaporate into oblivion in a relatively short period of time.   She's guaranteed herself NC from me though with the threat of a restraining order.  That didn't go over very well with me at all.

[crookedeuphoria]

Honestly, I think they just push and push and push and push. ":)o you love me now?" ":)o you love me now?" "How about now?" "What if I say this?" ":)o you love me now?" "Still?" "What about now?" It just gets deeper and deeper and deeper, more and more and more to the point where we are tolerating these things that we would never have imagined ourselves tolerating.

[Raybo48]

Honestly, I think they just push and push and push and push. ":)o you love me now?" ":)o you love me now?" "How about now?" "What if I say this?" ":)o you love me now?" "Still?" "What about now?" It just gets deeper and deeper and deeper, more and more and more to the point where we are tolerating these things that we would never have imagined ourselves tolerating.

The thing with my expbd is she REFUSED to believe I loved her.  It was more like "you don't love me" "no you don't" "actions speak louder than words"... .on and on and on and on.  The main reason why I didn't take a lot of action at times was because I was constantly trying to set boundaries with her out of control behavior, but she took that as I didn't love her.  

On the other hand I was told "you have no idea how much I love you", and the irony in that is all she gave me was words and there was never any actions to back that up. Certainly not how she treated me, and cheated on me.  There are not enough "actions" in the world that could make them feel secure in their incredibly insecure world.  At least that's my opinion.

[willtimeheal]

She will be back... .You can bet the bank on it.

[crookedeuphoria]

Mine always knew I loved him, knew it too well, I think. Until I "turned on him and took my love away". Which makes no sense, right? I mean, hell, my love is still here, right here, sitting here trying to make sense of it all. Yours said you didn't because it was never enough, it's never enough, no matter what you did (me too), it was never going to be enough. Their need is bottomless.

[myself]

Do your best to keep her out of your life. NC is for you, to protect yourself and find a better understanding of what you're going through. She's not really someone you can trust, making threats like that, acting the ways she has. She knows you've seen through her and her shame makes her extra defensive. If not killing then getting a r.o. on the messenger.  

Good. It'll help you detach and move on much faster. We all need to live the consequences of our actions and the choices we make. PwBPD, too.

[Raybo48]

Crookedeuphoria: Yea it was never enough... Just like the saying "what have you done for me lately" It seems to be how they conduct themselves in reference to the constant reassurance/love they need.  I began to tell myself as I got to know her that she was in love with the idea of love, but had no clue what it actually felt like. At least what it felt like for us nons.  I'm a firm believer if you don't love yourself to some extent you can't really love someone else, and we know the BPD pretty much loathes themselves at any given time to we pretty much have our answer there.  

Myself: Yea, she absolutely cannot be trusted. When I saw that text pop on Monday I was pretty taken back because even for her (which is saying a lot) it was a new low in her ability to be dangerous.  Here's a girl who called me partially sober at 3:00am, asked me to come and get her in AZ and drop everything that day after not talking to me for basically all summer.  That and about 30 minutes into the conversation there was an oh by the way "I'm on a dating site and have gone out with three different guys in the last couple of weeks and if you don't come and get me I have another guy interested next week"... Pretty much a verbatim quote.  So naturally she got REJECTED by me... So Monday I texted her and asked how she was doing and she said "you didn't come and get me when I begged you, and you did nothing! Don't ever bother "me" again or i'll file a restraining order". If this wasn't so sick and twisted I'd almost be laughing.  

[peiper]

I got hit with a false DV charge and a RO in June. Yet got a anonymous text saying sorry I miss you last night. She had or has a boyfriend, she either should have kept him or work on getting him back. I am not going back to that rodeo!

[Deeno02]

Mine dropped me like a bad habit. I pray she wont return. Im ruined as it is. She has the replacement now.

[Waifed]

I think it depends on whether on not she is with someone else. My ex was contacting her ex when I told her I was leaving. We had dated for three years. When I told her I thought she was going back to him she said she wasn't and that he had been dating someone for 1-1/2 years.  So you never know what they will do. I guess that's why they keep people on the back burner. It doesn't matter though because once things go bad they will just get worse and worse. You really need to stay with NC. You have to break your addiction.

[Raybo48]

I have no doubt in my mind she could file the RO and contact me with the "I miss you" routine not to long after.  I've seen her do some super crazy things and be back to business as usual in an extremely short period of time.

I agree if she finds someone I may not hear from her, but when she did find someone when I was with her before she began to devalue them really fast. Even with her dating sites she says she's "picky", but the reality is she's devaluing them about the same time as she likes them. It's very odd even for BPD behavior. Anyone see their BPD actually look to devalue like that so fast?

Regardless, it's NC for me or the addiction will never break.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

First off i want to thank you for starting this thread Ray, its spot on and really relating to alot of what im personally dealing with in my current stage of growth/recovery.

Just like the saying "what have you done for me lately" It seems to be how they conduct themselves in reference to the constant reassurance/love they need. She was in love with the idea of love, but had no clue what it actually felt like.

 

You are absolutely correct and this is not love only the feeling which is different than true unconditional love which is a choice and an action. Well what they feel for all intensive purposes would be called conditional love because well is that not what its completely based in? In that moment they "love" you because of a condition they have created or has arose in their life or within themselves. So the "need" you to assuage or fix that with your unconditional love because the energy in that alone is one of the most powerful in this universe. They feel this source of strength in you and see it as a way to "save" them from themselves. Unfortunately even unconditional love has its limits in terms of being enough to actually change anothers path. Because honestly thats all a pwBPD i believe wants is to find a light at the end of the tunnel. Its just that in this process its actually a catch 22 because the more our love tries to guide them towards this light the more they falter and stray from the path we try to guide them towards. It also truly hinders their growth because although this process may seem to be working at times the "love is enough" philosophy... well all its really doing is enabling the same patterns of behaviors that got them stuck in the darkness long before us and will keep them there long after us if they truly dont have the drive from within to want the change that they claim to seek. When chaos is all you know peace seems to be less comforting then one would think. Its new and scary, also requires them to walk a path alone not with some partner surrogated as the parent holding the childs hand all the way through this. Giving them the "love" and "happiness" they seek when truly enlightenment for the human condition requires this to be produced from within ones self. Self reliance is freedom and anything else binds us us from the true potential we inherently were created to achieve.

As for being in love with the idea of love i can attest completely because i point blank asked me ex "So what is your definition of love, what does it mean to you?" She just sat there and stared at me blankly for a while. Then got all flustered and frustrated as i could tell she was trying to find an answer within in herself she had no way of finding. She of course couldnt come up with the answer and started to say something only to tell me to "drop it." She knew shed been found out that she was trying to sustain something she couldnt with someone else let alone in her own self. Ive always challenged her when i truly feel its a claim thats based with such adherent truth that to deny id be not only letting her down but completely letting myself down too. If we don't have morality and ideals then what separates man from beast i ask? I believe we as humans have certain codes we need to live by and devise throughout our lives otherwise we have no firm consistent basis to base our emotional and logical mind behind making us no different then them. We have the ability that they do not without treatment... the synthesis of both minds into the wise mind because only through wisdom does man truly achieve.

[Raybo48]

First off i want to thank you for starting this thread Ray, its spot on and really relating to alot of what im personally dealing with in my current stage of growth/recovery.

Just like the saying "what have you done for me lately" It seems to be how they conduct themselves in reference to the constant reassurance/love they need. She was in love with the idea of love, but had no clue what it actually felt like.

 

You are absolutely correct and this is not love only the feeling which is different than true unconditional love which is a choice and an action. Well what they feel for all intensive purposes would be called conditional love because well is that not what its completely based in? In that moment they "love" you because of a condition they have created or has arose in their life or within themselves. So the "need" you to assuage or fix that with your unconditional love because the energy in that alone is one of the most powerful in this universe. They feel this source of strength in you and see it as a way to "save" them from themselves. Unfortunately even unconditional love has its limits in terms of being enough to actually change anothers path. Because honestly thats all a pwBPD i believe wants is to find a light at the end of the tunnel. Its just that in this process its actually a catch 22 because the more our love tries to guide them towards this light the more they falter and stray from the path we try to guide them towards. It also truly hinders their growth because although this process may seem to be working at times the "love is enough" philosophy... well all its really doing is enabling the same patterns of behaviors that got them stuck in the darkness long before us and will keep them there long after us if they truly dont have the drive from within to want the change that they claim to seek. When chaos is all you know peace seems to be less comforting then one would think. Its new and scary, also requires them to walk a path alone not with some partner surrogated as the parent holding the childs hand all the way through this. Giving them the "love" and "happiness" they seek when truly enlightenment for the human condition requires this to be produced from within ones self. Self reliance is freedom and anything else binds us us from the true potential we inherently were created to achieve.

As for being in love with the idea of love i can attest completely because i point blank asked me ex "So what is your definition of love, what does it mean to you?" She just sat there and stared at me blankly for a while. Then got all flustered and frustrated as i could tell she was trying to find an answer within in herself she had no way of finding. She of course couldnt come up with the answer and started to say something only to tell me to "drop it." She knew shed been found out that she was trying to sustain something she couldnt with someone else let alone in her own self. Ive always challenged her when i truly feel its a claim thats based with such adherent truth that to deny id be not only letting her down but completely letting myself down too. If we don't have morality and ideals then what separates man from beast i ask? I believe we as humans have certain codes we need to live by and devise throughout our lives otherwise we have no firm consistent basis to base our emotional and logical mind behind making us no different then them. We have the ability that they do not without treatment... the synthesis of both minds into the wise mind because only through wisdom does man truly achieve.

Hey Chasing, you still didn't give me your prediction... .Will contact me or won't contact me again?  

I like what you've said here and it seems everyone who has posted on this thread are all on the same page (no pun intended).  Many of the dynamics you've explained I personally witnessed in my exBPD female.  

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Hey Chasing, you still didn't give me your prediction... .Will contact me or won't contact me again? 

I like what you've said here and it seems everyone who has posted on this thread are all on the same page (no pun intended).  Many of the dynamics you've explained I personally witnessed in my exBPD female. 

My bad Ray kinda got sidetracked on my soapbox. 

Let me put it this way... the siren will sing her song again because well... thats what sirens are created to do.

[Deeno02]

Hey Chasing, you still didn't give me your prediction... .Will contact me or won't contact me again? 

I like what you've said here and it seems everyone who has posted on this thread are all on the same page (no pun intended).  Many of the dynamics you've explained I personally witnessed in my exBPD female. 

My bad Ray kinda got sidetracked on my soapbox. 

Let me put it this way... the siren will sing her song again because well... thats what sirens are created to do.

The mere thought of it makes me want to vomit... .

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Yes it is certain she will contact you again.  After the RO threat you would be foolish indeed to respond.  When they need something from you they have no scruples whatsoever.

[Raybo48]

Yes it is certain she will contact you again.  After the RO threat you would be foolish indeed to respond.  When they need something from you they have no scruples whatsoever.

I'd be a complete idiot to respond, let's be honest.  I've bitten every-single-time when she has contacted me seemingly after weeks/months. (usually weeks), but this time with the RO threat? I have a lousy track record when it comes to that (answering her calls/texts) and lets face it, she KNOWS that and uses it to her advantage.

This time the line needs to be drawn, I'm still super pissed about that unfounded threat from her.  I know it sounds like I'm trying to convince myself here, but I'm not.  I have an incredibly high tolerance for things, probably the co-dependent in me, but I don't take kindly to being threatened.   

Thanks for the input.

[Raybo48]

Well, all of you were right.  Two calls (no voicemail) and a text that I deleted and didn't read about an hour ago.   My anxiety levels went through the roof when I saw her number hit my phone... .  6 days ago she threatened a restraining order... .I have not contacted her at all and now she's trying to contact me when we live 1500 miles apart?

Any thought on what the HELL is her major malfunction?   I'm soo upset!

No way she has nice juicy N-supply if she's contacting me THIS SOON after painting me black... .How could someone paint you black and 6 days later paint you white...

[Waifed]

Well, all of you were right.  Two calls (no voicemail) and a text that I deleted and didn't read about an hour ago.   My anxiety levels went through the roof when I saw her number hit my phone... .  6 days ago she threatened a restraining order... .I have not contacted her at all and now she's trying to contact me when we live 1500 miles apart?

Any thought on what the HELL is her major malfunction?   I'm soo upset!

No way she has nice juicy N-supply if she's contacting me THIS SOON after painting me black... .How could someone paint you black and 6 days later paint you white...

You may want to hang on to those texts. You might need them in support of your defense!

[Raybo48]

Well, all of you were right.  Two calls (no voicemail) and a text that I deleted and didn't read about an hour ago.   My anxiety levels went through the roof when I saw her number hit my phone... .  6 days ago she threatened a restraining order... .I have not contacted her at all and now she's trying to contact me when we live 1500 miles apart?

Any thought on what the HELL is her major malfunction?   I'm soo upset!

No way she has nice juicy N-supply if she's contacting me THIS SOON after painting me black... .How could someone paint you black and 6 days later paint you white...

at&t keeps a record of incoming... .and I didn't respond.   Even that kind of contact is a major trigger... .I'm soo upset.

You may want to hang on to those texts. You might need them in support of your defense!

[fred6]

Well, all of you were right.  Two calls (no voicemail) and a text that I deleted and didn't read about an hour ago.   My anxiety levels went through the roof when I saw her number hit my phone... .  6 days ago she threatened a restraining order... .I have not contacted her at all and now she's trying to contact me when we live 1500 miles apart?

Any thought on what the HELL is her major malfunction?   I'm soo upset!

No way she has nice juicy N-supply if she's contacting me THIS SOON after painting me black... .How could someone paint you black and 6 days later paint you white...

You may want to hang on to those texts. You might need them in support of your defense!

I was just thinking the same thing. I would keep all texts and phone records. I would look kind of pathetic to file a restraining order if you have been contacting the person the whole time. It would look crazy time, ... .

[willtimeheal]

Well, all of you were right.  Two calls (no voicemail) and a text that I deleted and didn't read about an hour ago.   My anxiety levels went through the roof when I saw her number hit my phone... .  6 days ago she threatened a restraining order... .I have not contacted her at all and now she's trying to contact me when we live 1500 miles apart?

Any thought on what the HELL is her major malfunction?   I'm soo upset!

No way she has nice juicy N-supply if she's contacting me THIS SOON after painting me black... .How could someone paint you black and 6 days later paint you white...

Who knows why they do what they do. Mine contacted me a few days ago via text and just like you as soon as I saw the number my anxiety shot through the roof. Delete it and take care of yourself.  The one thing a BPD can't stand is when they see you living your life and being happy.

[Raybo48]

Well, all of you were right.  Two calls (no voicemail) and a text that I deleted and didn't read about an hour ago.   My anxiety levels went through the roof when I saw her number hit my phone... .  6 days ago she threatened a restraining order... .I have not contacted her at all and now she's trying to contact me when we live 1500 miles apart?

Any thought on what the HELL is her major malfunction?   I'm soo upset!

No way she has nice juicy N-supply if she's contacting me THIS SOON after painting me black... .How could someone paint you black and 6 days later paint you white...

Who knows why they do what they do. Mine contacted me a few days ago via text and just like you as soon as I saw the number my anxiety shot through the roof. Delete it and take care of yourself.  The one thing a BPD can't stand is when they see you living your life and being happy.

Her sister just texted me. Says she's drunk, which explains why she contacted me.  I did delete the text and didn't read it.  My ex is a horrible-horrible alcoholic and there isn't enough pages here to explain how bad her alcoholism is, but it very likely will kill her someday and that's not just a prediction from a non-professional like my self.   She's been fairly sober the last 10 months but fell off the wagon three weeks ago and I knew that's all it would  take for her to start back up... Apparently she has.  So sad... .It's the one aspect of her that I have ultimate compassion for because I've never seen anyone drink that much and abuse themselves that much with that addiction before.  One time she  blew a 6... .and that's not a .6 folks... .it was a 6. She was arrested because she was a danger to herself and the cop said in 30 years he'd never seen anything like it... That happened a few times while I was dating her.