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Title: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: Deeno02 on November 10, 2014, 09:18:25 AM What the hell was I thinking? The abuse, the tap dancing in a minefield, the nastiness towards my kids at the end. The constant snarkiness when I tried to help. Being slowly cut out of her and her kids lives while I watched helplessly, afraid to ask why, what did I do? Lack of affection, with holding of affection, the list goes (thank god no cheating), but damn it, what the holy hell was i thinking? Wake up folks, no matter what happened or how you feel, they abused us. Plain and simple. And we dont need to tolerate that at all... .
Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: clydegriffith on November 10, 2014, 09:56:02 AM It really does boggle my mind why i also put up with the crap i did. I feel ridiculous telling people i was still with her after she had me falsely arrested numerous times, physically attacked me on a regular basis and was screwing anyone that looked her away. I didn't like myself for being with her after all that. It was difficult to look myself in the mirror but i felt i had to keep trying because we have a child together. Kid or no kid that woman needed to be out of my life much sooner. It would have spared me a lot of pain and heartache.
Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: Pingo on November 10, 2014, 08:44:02 PM Deeno, most of us can relate! I have guilt over letting him treat my kids not so nice at times. Why didn't I just tell him to eff off? I felt so ridiculously helpless the first couple of times it happened. I have a hard time even telling people about the truth of what I went through. When I tell my best friend she gets enraged about some of the crazy stuff he did. I'm sure she doesn't understand why I stayed. But at least she is compassionate. I haven't really shared much to anyone else. It's too hard (Thank goodness for y'all here!). I do have to say though, when I first found this site not long after my BU I was feeling so embarrassed and like I was such a fool, true disbelief!... .but those feelings are a lot less now. As I learn about the trauma bond I find I have a lot of compassion for myself. Also working through childhood & FOO stuff has given me a lot of insight and objection about the whole thing.
Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: Deeno02 on November 10, 2014, 09:36:05 PM Deeno, most of us can relate! I have guilt over letting him treat my kids not so nice at times. Why didn't I just tell him to eff off? I felt so ridiculously helpless the first couple of times it happened. I have a hard time even telling people about the truth of what I went through. When I tell my best friend she gets enraged about some of the crazy stuff he did. I'm sure she doesn't understand why I stayed. But at least she is compassionate. I haven't really shared much to anyone else. It's too hard (Thank goodness for y'all here!). I do have to say though, when I first found this site not long after my BU I was feeling so embarrassed and like I was such a fool, true disbelief!... .but those feelings are a lot less now. As I learn about the trauma bond I find I have a lot of compassion for myself. Also working through childhood & FOO stuff has given me a lot of insight and objection about the whole thing. Yep, 51 year old war veteran having to admit he was in an abusive relationship. Did alot for my manliness. ... but i admitted it. She never took the time to understand my needs from her because of PTSD, it was always about her and her chaos. Glad its over. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: bungenstein on November 10, 2014, 09:44:56 PM BPDs and psychopaths and sociopaths and narcissists all do the same thing to their victim. They alter their brain chemistry through abuse, they create a need in your mind, they create an addiction.
Thats why we put up with all that ___, we can't let go, not because we love them, because we are addicted to them through abuse, the trauma bond. The relentless praise and idealisation combined with sudden abuse, insults, and criticism, constantly changing on a dime, creates imbalances of chemicals in the brain which makes us unstable and needy ourselves. They need to do this because they need people to need them, the need to abuse, they need someone who is cut down. Thats why the break up is SO hard, and SO confusing, its nothing like breaking up with a normal person, you are literally crashing from drug withdrawal. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: Deeno02 on November 10, 2014, 09:51:28 PM BPDs and psychopaths and sociopaths and narcissists all do the same thing to their victim. They alter their brain chemistry through abuse, they create a need in your mind, they create an addiction. Thats why we put up with all that ___, we can't let go, not because we love them, because we are addicted to them through abuse, the trauma bond. The relentless praise and idealisation combined with sudden abuse, insults, and criticism, constantly changing on a dime, creates imbalances of chemicals in the brain which makes us unstable and needy ourselves. They need to do this because they need people to need them, the need to abuse, they need someone who is cut down. Thats why the break up is SO hard, and SO confusing, its nothing like breaking up with a normal person, you are literally crashing from drug withdrawal. Totally agree with what you said. And the sad part is, YOU KNOW ITS HAPPENING!. Its like watching yourself be buried alive and theres nothing you can do. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: bungenstein on November 10, 2014, 09:55:40 PM BPDs and psychopaths and sociopaths and narcissists all do the same thing to their victim. They alter their brain chemistry through abuse, they create a need in your mind, they create an addiction. Thats why we put up with all that ___, we can't let go, not because we love them, because we are addicted to them through abuse, the trauma bond. The relentless praise and idealisation combined with sudden abuse, insults, and criticism, constantly changing on a dime, creates imbalances of chemicals in the brain which makes us unstable and needy ourselves. They need to do this because they need people to need them, the need to abuse, they need someone who is cut down. Thats why the break up is SO hard, and SO confusing, its nothing like breaking up with a normal person, you are literally crashing from drug withdrawal. Totally agree with what you said. And the sad part is, YOU KNOW ITS HAPPENING!. Its like watching yourself be buried alive and theres nothing you can do. Yep, and if she had managed to cut off my friends and family from me I would have been ___ed. Unfortunately for her my relationships are too strong, and they stepped in help me get out of it. Towards the end of the relationship, I would spontaneously burst into tears nearly everyday for the last month. Why did I stay? I don't know, I just couldn't let go. My replacement has been successfully isolated from all of his friends, and sounds a complete pushover, she did enough damage to me, and I am a strong autonomous person, the damage she does to him will be catastrophic, and theres no avoiding it. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: Deeno02 on November 10, 2014, 09:58:15 PM BPDs and psychopaths and sociopaths and narcissists all do the same thing to their victim. They alter their brain chemistry through abuse, they create a need in your mind, they create an addiction. Thats why we put up with all that ___, we can't let go, not because we love them, because we are addicted to them through abuse, the trauma bond. The relentless praise and idealisation combined with sudden abuse, insults, and criticism, constantly changing on a dime, creates imbalances of chemicals in the brain which makes us unstable and needy ourselves. They need to do this because they need people to need them, the need to abuse, they need someone who is cut down. Thats why the break up is SO hard, and SO confusing, its nothing like breaking up with a normal person, you are literally crashing from drug withdrawal. Totally agree with what you said. And the sad part is, YOU KNOW ITS HAPPENING!. Its like watching yourself be buried alive and theres nothing you can do. Yep, and if she had managed to cut off my friends and family from me I would have been ___ed. Unfortunately for her my relationships are too strong, and they stepped in help me get out of it. Towards the end of the relationship, I would spontaneously burst into tears nearly everyday for the last month. Why did I stay? I don't know, I just couldn't let go. My replacement has been successfully isolated from all of his friends, and sounds a complete pushover, she did enough damage to me, and I am a strong autonomous person, the damage she does to him will be catastrophic, and theres no avoiding it. Yep, but still tried to make it work. waste of time. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: bungenstein on November 10, 2014, 10:00:01 PM BPDs and psychopaths and sociopaths and narcissists all do the same thing to their victim. They alter their brain chemistry through abuse, they create a need in your mind, they create an addiction. Thats why we put up with all that ___, we can't let go, not because we love them, because we are addicted to them through abuse, the trauma bond. The relentless praise and idealisation combined with sudden abuse, insults, and criticism, constantly changing on a dime, creates imbalances of chemicals in the brain which makes us unstable and needy ourselves. They need to do this because they need people to need them, the need to abuse, they need someone who is cut down. Thats why the break up is SO hard, and SO confusing, its nothing like breaking up with a normal person, you are literally crashing from drug withdrawal. Totally agree with what you said. And the sad part is, YOU KNOW ITS HAPPENING!. Its like watching yourself be buried alive and theres nothing you can do. Yep, and if she had managed to cut off my friends and family from me I would have been ___ed. Unfortunately for her my relationships are too strong, and they stepped in help me get out of it. Towards the end of the relationship, I would spontaneously burst into tears nearly everyday for the last month. Why did I stay? I don't know, I just couldn't let go. My replacement has been successfully isolated from all of his friends, and sounds a complete pushover, she did enough damage to me, and I am a strong autonomous person, the damage she does to him will be catastrophic, and theres no avoiding it. Yep, but still tried to make it work. waste of time. Once you have worked through the aftermath, and it is hard, very hard, you will come out the otherside a more attuned, more adept, more confident, stronger, and generally a superior human being. I believe that psychopaths were sent to shake our world up for our own benefit. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: clydegriffith on November 11, 2014, 10:06:55 AM Lots of very good answers here everyone.
Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: Raybo48 on November 11, 2014, 05:51:56 PM BPDs and psychopaths and sociopaths and narcissists all do the same thing to their victim. They alter their brain chemistry through abuse, they create a need in your mind, they create an addiction. Thats why we put up with all that ___, we can't let go, not because we love them, because we are addicted to them through abuse, the trauma bond. The relentless praise and idealisation combined with sudden abuse, insults, and criticism, constantly changing on a dime, creates imbalances of chemicals in the brain which makes us unstable and needy ourselves. They need to do this because they need people to need them, the need to abuse, they need someone who is cut down. Thats why the break up is SO hard, and SO confusing, its nothing like breaking up with a normal person, you are literally crashing from drug withdrawal. God is this true. It fully explains what is going on with me. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: vortex of confusion on November 11, 2014, 06:04:07 PM Thats why we put up with all that ___, we can't let go, not because we love them, because we are addicted to them through abuse, the trauma bond. The relentless praise and idealisation combined with sudden abuse, insults, and criticism, constantly changing on a dime, creates imbalances of chemicals in the brain which makes us unstable and needy ourselves. They need to do this because they need people to need them, the need to abuse, they need someone who is cut down. Thats why the break up is SO hard, and SO confusing, its nothing like breaking up with a normal person, you are literally crashing from drug withdrawal. The part I bolded is what is so difficult to communicate and wrap my mind around. How can somebody praise you and say such wonderful things about you yet still do all of those things that are so subtly abusive. I have definitely become unstable at different times. I would scare myself with my own behavior and thoughts. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: Deeno02 on November 11, 2014, 06:27:13 PM Thats why we put up with all that ___, we can't let go, not because we love them, because we are addicted to them through abuse, the trauma bond. The relentless praise and idealisation combined with sudden abuse, insults, and criticism, constantly changing on a dime, creates imbalances of chemicals in the brain which makes us unstable and needy ourselves. They need to do this because they need people to need them, the need to abuse, they need someone who is cut down. Thats why the break up is SO hard, and SO confusing, its nothing like breaking up with a normal person, you are literally crashing from drug withdrawal. The part I bolded is what is so difficult to communicate and wrap my mind around. How can somebody praise you and say such wonderful things about you yet still do all of those things that are so subtly abusive. I have definitely become unstable at different times. I would scare myself with my own behavior and thoughts. It got so bad with her crazy schedule and the constant you never spend enough time with me stuff, that i was going nuts like it was my fault that HER schedule was crazy. When i told her that, i got you can swing by the house to at least hug me... .sigh, so i did that. I actually lied a few times toward the end saying i had to work late so i could have a day away from her chaos. Im not proud of that at all. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: bungenstein on November 11, 2014, 06:28:26 PM Thats why we put up with all that ___, we can't let go, not because we love them, because we are addicted to them through abuse, the trauma bond. The relentless praise and idealisation combined with sudden abuse, insults, and criticism, constantly changing on a dime, creates imbalances of chemicals in the brain which makes us unstable and needy ourselves. They need to do this because they need people to need them, the need to abuse, they need someone who is cut down. Thats why the break up is SO hard, and SO confusing, its nothing like breaking up with a normal person, you are literally crashing from drug withdrawal. The part I bolded is what is so difficult to communicate and wrap my mind around. How can somebody praise you and say such wonderful things about you yet still do all of those things that are so subtly abusive. I have definitely become unstable at different times. I would scare myself with my own behavior and thoughts. Because they want to make you addicted, so you don't leave, and then they can manipulate and control as much as they want. I think my relationship with my ex was particularly explosive purely because she couldn't control me, she used to say things like, well other guys used to act like this and other guys used to do this, you are not boyfriend material. Her manipulation wasn't working, her first explosion was on the very day we met. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: bungenstein on November 11, 2014, 06:31:14 PM Thats why we put up with all that ___, we can't let go, not because we love them, because we are addicted to them through abuse, the trauma bond. The relentless praise and idealisation combined with sudden abuse, insults, and criticism, constantly changing on a dime, creates imbalances of chemicals in the brain which makes us unstable and needy ourselves. They need to do this because they need people to need them, the need to abuse, they need someone who is cut down. Thats why the break up is SO hard, and SO confusing, its nothing like breaking up with a normal person, you are literally crashing from drug withdrawal. The part I bolded is what is so difficult to communicate and wrap my mind around. How can somebody praise you and say such wonderful things about you yet still do all of those things that are so subtly abusive. I have definitely become unstable at different times. I would scare myself with my own behavior and thoughts. It got so bad with her crazy schedule and the constant you never spend enough time with me stuff, that i was going nuts like it was my fault that HER schedule was crazy. When i told her that, i got you can swing by the house to at least hug me... .sigh, so i did that. I actually lied a few times toward the end saying i had to work late so i could have a day away from her chaos. Im not proud of that at all. I don't think you should feel any remorse at all about lying to these parasites. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: Deeno02 on November 11, 2014, 06:44:32 PM Thats why we put up with all that ___, we can't let go, not because we love them, because we are addicted to them through abuse, the trauma bond. The relentless praise and idealisation combined with sudden abuse, insults, and criticism, constantly changing on a dime, creates imbalances of chemicals in the brain which makes us unstable and needy ourselves. They need to do this because they need people to need them, the need to abuse, they need someone who is cut down. Thats why the break up is SO hard, and SO confusing, its nothing like breaking up with a normal person, you are literally crashing from drug withdrawal. The part I bolded is what is so difficult to communicate and wrap my mind around. How can somebody praise you and say such wonderful things about you yet still do all of those things that are so subtly abusive. I have definitely become unstable at different times. I would scare myself with my own behavior and thoughts. It got so bad with her crazy schedule and the constant you never spend enough time with me stuff, that i was going nuts like it was my fault that HER schedule was crazy. When i told her that, i got you can swing by the house to at least hug me... .sigh, so i did that. I actually lied a few times toward the end saying i had to work late so i could have a day away from her chaos. Im not proud of that at all. I don't think you should feel any remorse at all about lying to these parasites. I know that Bung. Just not the caliber of guy I am. But I had to. The whole time thing was used against me anyway... . Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: vortex of confusion on November 11, 2014, 06:46:17 PM Because they want to make you addicted, so you don't leave, and then they can manipulate and control as much as they want. I think my relationship with my ex was particularly explosive purely because she couldn't control me, she used to say things like, well other guys used to act like this and other guys used to do this, you are not boyfriend material. Her manipulation wasn't working, her first explosion was on the very day we met. I don't feel like he wants to control me specifically. I think it was more about him feeling out of control and being so self centered. In order to control me, he would actually have to think about me and put forth some effort. Mine is so unbelievably lazy. He does the bare minimum. If something happens that he is not expecting, he is likely to react negatively. He lives in his own world so much that I don't think it was about control. It was about him not wanting anything to disturb his world. I feel like he wanted me to control him and tell him what to do. As long as I treat him like I would my children, he seems happy as a clam. Trying to hold him responsible and ask him to do more than go to work and bring home a paycheck is like asking him to do the impossible. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: bungenstein on November 11, 2014, 06:59:07 PM Because they want to make you addicted, so you don't leave, and then they can manipulate and control as much as they want. I think my relationship with my ex was particularly explosive purely because she couldn't control me, she used to say things like, well other guys used to act like this and other guys used to do this, you are not boyfriend material. Her manipulation wasn't working, her first explosion was on the very day we met. I don't feel like he wants to control me specifically. I think it was more about him feeling out of control and being so self centered. In order to control me, he would actually have to think about me and put forth some effort. Mine is so unbelievably lazy. He does the bare minimum. If something happens that he is not expecting, he is likely to react negatively. He lives in his own world so much that I don't think it was about control. It was about him not wanting anything to disturb his world. I feel like he wanted me to control him and tell him what to do. As long as I treat him like I would my children, he seems happy as a clam. Trying to hold him responsible and ask him to do more than go to work and bring home a paycheck is like asking him to do the impossible. He wants you to do everything for him and make decisions for him, if you don't, all hell breaks lose, thats control. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: Raybo48 on November 11, 2014, 07:04:24 PM Thats why we put up with all that ___, we can't let go, not because we love them, because we are addicted to them through abuse, the trauma bond. The relentless praise and idealisation combined with sudden abuse, insults, and criticism, constantly changing on a dime, creates imbalances of chemicals in the brain which makes us unstable and needy ourselves. They need to do this because they need people to need them, the need to abuse, they need someone who is cut down. Thats why the break up is SO hard, and SO confusing, its nothing like breaking up with a normal person, you are literally crashing from drug withdrawal. The part I bolded is what is so difficult to communicate and wrap my mind around. How can somebody praise you and say such wonderful things about you yet still do all of those things that are so subtly abusive. I have definitely become unstable at different times. I would scare myself with my own behavior and thoughts. Because they want to make you addicted, so you don't leave, and then they can manipulate and control as much as they want. I think my relationship with my ex was particularly explosive purely because she couldn't control me, she used to say things like, well other guys used to act like this and other guys used to do this, you are not boyfriend material. Her manipulation wasn't working, her first explosion was on the very day we met. Which reminds me of a perfect quote from my BPDxgf right before she was about to dump me on my head for the 10th time. "You're too old for me to change you, so what's the point of us being together". WHO SAYS THAT? Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: bungenstein on November 11, 2014, 07:07:27 PM Thats why we put up with all that ___, we can't let go, not because we love them, because we are addicted to them through abuse, the trauma bond. The relentless praise and idealisation combined with sudden abuse, insults, and criticism, constantly changing on a dime, creates imbalances of chemicals in the brain which makes us unstable and needy ourselves. They need to do this because they need people to need them, the need to abuse, they need someone who is cut down. Thats why the break up is SO hard, and SO confusing, its nothing like breaking up with a normal person, you are literally crashing from drug withdrawal. The part I bolded is what is so difficult to communicate and wrap my mind around. How can somebody praise you and say such wonderful things about you yet still do all of those things that are so subtly abusive. I have definitely become unstable at different times. I would scare myself with my own behavior and thoughts. Because they want to make you addicted, so you don't leave, and then they can manipulate and control as much as they want. I think my relationship with my ex was particularly explosive purely because she couldn't control me, she used to say things like, well other guys used to act like this and other guys used to do this, you are not boyfriend material. Her manipulation wasn't working, her first explosion was on the very day we met. Which reminds me of a perfect quote from my BPDxgf right before she was about to dump me on my head for the 10th time. "You're too old for me to change you, so what the point of us being together". WHO SAYS THAT? Yeh its similar to something mine said when we were breaking up, "I want all consuming love where we do literally everything together, I want you to NEED me, and that boat has long sailed for us" Who wants someone to NEED them and NEVER leave their side? An abuser. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: Raybo48 on November 11, 2014, 07:13:45 PM Thats why we put up with all that ___, we can't let go, not because we love them, because we are addicted to them through abuse, the trauma bond. The relentless praise and idealisation combined with sudden abuse, insults, and criticism, constantly changing on a dime, creates imbalances of chemicals in the brain which makes us unstable and needy ourselves. They need to do this because they need people to need them, the need to abuse, they need someone who is cut down. Thats why the break up is SO hard, and SO confusing, its nothing like breaking up with a normal person, you are literally crashing from drug withdrawal. The part I bolded is what is so difficult to communicate and wrap my mind around. How can somebody praise you and say such wonderful things about you yet still do all of those things that are so subtly abusive. I have definitely become unstable at different times. I would scare myself with my own behavior and thoughts. Because they want to make you addicted, so you don't leave, and then they can manipulate and control as much as they want. I think my relationship with my ex was particularly explosive purely because she couldn't control me, she used to say things like, well other guys used to act like this and other guys used to do this, you are not boyfriend material. Her manipulation wasn't working, her first explosion was on the very day we met. Which reminds me of a perfect quote from my BPDxgf right before she was about to dump me on my head for the 10th time. "You're too old for me to change you, so what the point of us being together". WHO SAYS THAT? Yeh its similar to something mine said when we were breaking up, "I want all consuming love where we do literally everything together, I want you to NEED me, and that boat has long sailed for us" Who wants someone to NEED them and NEVER leave their side? An abuser. She'd feed me crap like "I love you so much I'd even change your diapers when you got old" Even under her spell at my worst I knew that was complete bulls***. If I was five minutes late to her house I didn't love her and I was a horrible person so yea, she was going be my nursemaid when we got old... .yea Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: antonio1213 on November 11, 2014, 07:22:04 PM We get beat down but we come back stronger. I can say no matter how attractive or in love with with a girl I think I may be, if I even think she is BPD I will run as fast as I can from that crazy demon.
I can't believe that I didn't act on the of her cutting herself, verbally abusing me for no reason, and the huge selfishness. I wish I could just go back in time and slap some sense into my old self. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: Raybo48 on November 11, 2014, 07:26:50 PM We get beat down but we come back stronger. I can say no matter how attractive or in love with with a girl I think I may be, if I even think she is BPD I will run as fast as I can from that crazy demon. I can't believe that I didn't act on the of her cutting herself, verbally abusing me for no reason, and the huge selfishness. I wish I could just go back in time and slap some sense into my old self. Same boat here... Mine didn't cut herself, but she drank gallons of Vodka, and I mean gallons on her binges. You are correct, if I think about it I did come back stronger from the abuse. Through her treatment I was conditioned that way. I blame myself too... I enabled her behavior, set no boundaries to speak of and tried to save her over and over again with no success. Stupid. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: antonio1213 on November 11, 2014, 07:42:54 PM We get beat down but we come back stronger. I can say no matter how attractive or in love with with a girl I think I may be, if I even think she is BPD I will run as fast as I can from that crazy demon. I can't believe that I didn't act on the of her cutting herself, verbally abusing me for no reason, and the huge selfishness. I wish I could just go back in time and slap some sense into my old self. Same boat here... Mine didn't cut herself, but she drank gallons of Vodka, and I mean gallons on her binges. You are correct, if I think about it I did come back stronger from the abuse. Through her treatment I was conditioned that way. I blame myself too... I enabled her behavior, set no boundaries to speak of and tried to save her over and over again with no success. Stupid. I made the mistake of getting her a huge bottle of vodka for her birthday. She took 20 something shots of it (no I am not joking) and threw up multiple times. On her mothers birthday one year she got really drunk pissed herself and broke a shower curtain in her house. And yeah I had NO boundaries at all. I was the perfect enabler of her behavior and let her do what she wanted to do with me. That is why they have sites like these. Having sites like these just shows how much trama and terrible pain they put you through and we need to talk to other people just to process what the hell they put us through. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: Deeno02 on November 11, 2014, 08:12:37 PM Thats why we put up with all that ___, we can't let go, not because we love them, because we are addicted to them through abuse, the trauma bond. The relentless praise and idealisation combined with sudden abuse, insults, and criticism, constantly changing on a dime, creates imbalances of chemicals in the brain which makes us unstable and needy ourselves. They need to do this because they need people to need them, the need to abuse, they need someone who is cut down. Thats why the break up is SO hard, and SO confusing, its nothing like breaking up with a normal person, you are literally crashing from drug withdrawal. The part I bolded is what is so difficult to communicate and wrap my mind around. How can somebody praise you and say such wonderful things about you yet still do all of those things that are so subtly abusive. I have definitely become unstable at different times. I would scare myself with my own behavior and thoughts. Because they want to make you addicted, so you don't leave, and then they can manipulate and control as much as they want. I think my relationship with my ex was particularly explosive purely because she couldn't control me, she used to say things like, well other guys used to act like this and other guys used to do this, you are not boyfriend material. Her manipulation wasn't working, her first explosion was on the very day we met. Which reminds me of a perfect quote from my BPDxgf right before she was about to dump me on my head for the 10th time. "You're too old for me to change you, so what the point of us being together". WHO SAYS THAT? Yeh its similar to something mine said when we were breaking up, "I want all consuming love where we do literally everything together, I want you to NEED me, and that boat has long sailed for us" Who wants someone to NEED them and NEVER leave their side? An abuser. Needy... Yep. Denied being it of course. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: vortex of confusion on November 11, 2014, 08:21:10 PM He wants you to do everything for him and make decisions for him, if you don't, all hell breaks lose, thats control. Very true! I have always felt like I was the one trying to control him because I was doing things for him and making decisions for him. I think that is the confusing thing about all of this for me. Depending on which side you are on or how it is described, the non could just as easily be described as having BPD tendencies. It has been a real mind f**k for me. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: bungenstein on November 11, 2014, 08:33:48 PM He wants you to do everything for him and make decisions for him, if you don't, all hell breaks lose, thats control. Very true! I have always felt like I was the one trying to control him because I was doing things for him and making decisions for him. I think that is the confusing thing about all of this for me. Depending on which side you are on or how it is described, the non could just as easily be described as having BPD tendencies. It has been a real mind f**k for me. Either they don't do something and you have to do it for them, or their behaviour is so bad you have to say no, or they say you should do this and this for me, and then call you controlling, or make you feel like you're controlling, but you have to otherwise its like letting go of a balloon without tieing the end. Its very confusing but the end result of all their actions is to control you, to isolate you, and to wear you down into someone you're not. I think the term BPD really paints them in better light, so you can feel sorry for them, so you try and help them more, and become further abused, they ARE just another brand of psychopath. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: mywifecrazy on November 11, 2014, 09:03:13 PM I wish I could just go back in time and slap some sense into my old self. Hands down the best line I've read on here in a long long time. God I bet most of us on here feel like this quite often. Thanks for the chuckle! MWC... .*) Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: mywifecrazy on November 11, 2014, 09:13:05 PM I think the term BPD really paints them in better light, so you can feel sorry for them, so you try and help them more, and become further abused, they ARE just another brand of psychopath. I must say that I agree with this statement, especially when I see how she hurts her own children and how she shows no signs of being negatively affected by it. I was in her presence the other day and my God I totally see her in a new light now that my head is totally cleared of the fog she had me in. It actually scared me and made me feel sad at the same time… Looking into her eyes it didn't seem like anyone was in there. Now you all know how I chose my username… Only now it should be myXwifecrazy! MWC... .*) Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: ATLandon on November 11, 2014, 09:32:12 PM I wish I could just go back in time and slap some sense into my old self. Hands down the best line I've read on here in a long long time. God I bet most of us on here feel like this quite often. Thanks for the chuckle! MWC... .*) Yes, yes, and yes again! In fact, I'd smack myself with baseball bat to get the point across! I think this whole subject is the cause for the deep-seated anger I have been experiencing since I decided to divorce and have been detaching from my marriage. I'm having a very difficult time forgiving myself and dealing with the self-directed anger is taking a toll on me. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: Sandman1881 on November 11, 2014, 09:55:47 PM Once you have worked through the aftermath, and it is hard, very hard, you will come out the otherside a more attuned, more adept, more confident, stronger, and generally a superior human being. I believe that psychopaths were sent to shake our world up for our own benefit. And of course they expect you to thank them for this benefit. What's funny is I said to my mom early on "this woman will be either the greatest love of my life, or the worst heartache I've ever had." Both statements appear to be true. I loved her dearly, and she hurt me more than any other woman has. Yes. The worst part was watching it all go by and being so castrated to not do even one damn thing about it. And doing anything wouldn't matter, because whatever we did would have cast us down either way. This experience has taught me one most valuable lesson, there are those people in the world that are even more sick than I am, and they don't even know it. 2 +'s of leaving... .I have my freedom back and he has my problem. Silver lining? Perhaps. Best wishes! Together we stay strong. Perhaps, even, we have been done a favor by being left for a replacement. That's just equals lees time they have to continue to disturb our world and we can get back to the business of real life. And no longer living on "Fantasy Island." nite family Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: Pingo on November 11, 2014, 10:03:01 PM BPDs and psychopaths and sociopaths and narcissists all do the same thing to their victim. They alter their brain chemistry through abuse, they create a need in your mind, they create an addiction. Thats why we put up with all that ___, we can't let go, not because we love them, because we are addicted to them through abuse, the trauma bond. The relentless praise and idealisation combined with sudden abuse, insults, and criticism, constantly changing on a dime, creates imbalances of chemicals in the brain which makes us unstable and needy ourselves. They need to do this because they need people to need them, the need to abuse, they need someone who is cut down. Thats why the break up is SO hard, and SO confusing, its nothing like breaking up with a normal person, you are literally crashing from drug withdrawal. This absolutely describes the trauma bond and how it happens. But I don't think they set out with an evil plot to manipulate you consciously. At least this is not my feeling of my experience. There are people who actually do this though, just google 'pick up artist forum'... .There are actual websites devoted to teaching men how to manipulate women into a trauma bond. Sick! But I don't feel like my ex was one of these men who had crafted this twisted approach. I think the trauma bond was the result of a very disturbed man trying to have a normal r/s, but just didn't have the emotional maturity to do so mixed with a sense of entitlement that the world should revolve around him plus absolutely no ability to cope with his emotions. Do you think your exes were consciously plotting with this knowledge that if they did this push/pull thing they'd hook you and really eff you up? Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: bungenstein on November 11, 2014, 10:08:30 PM BPDs and psychopaths and sociopaths and narcissists all do the same thing to their victim. They alter their brain chemistry through abuse, they create a need in your mind, they create an addiction. Thats why we put up with all that ___, we can't let go, not because we love them, because we are addicted to them through abuse, the trauma bond. The relentless praise and idealisation combined with sudden abuse, insults, and criticism, constantly changing on a dime, creates imbalances of chemicals in the brain which makes us unstable and needy ourselves. They need to do this because they need people to need them, the need to abuse, they need someone who is cut down. Thats why the break up is SO hard, and SO confusing, its nothing like breaking up with a normal person, you are literally crashing from drug withdrawal. This absolutely describes the trauma bond and how it happens. But I don't think they set out with an evil plot to manipulate you consciously. At least this is not my feeling of my experience. There are people who actually do this though, just google 'pick up artist forum'... .There are actual websites devoted to teaching men how to manipulate women into a trauma bond. Sick! But I don't feel like my ex was one of these men who had crafted this twisted approach. I think the trauma bond was the result of a very disturbed man trying to have a normal r/s, but just didn't have the emotional maturity to do so mixed with a sense of entitlement that the world should revolve around him plus absolutely no ability to cope with his emotions. :)o you think your exes were consciously plotting with this knowledge that if they did this push/pull thing they'd hook you and really eff you up? I don't know if they are aware of the science behind the push/pull behaviour, but I believe they have learnt how to ensnare men since its at the core of their very survival, and they will have been learning this from a very young age. A lot of people on here have commented on how their seduction technique seemed quite calculated, I believe they are being completely manipulative from the very start, they can't love remember, they just see us as prey, and are constantly analysing us and working us out, to work out how best to go about this, and how best to create a need in us for them. They do not actually want you to have healthy love for them. Because a healthy love does not serve them in the way they need to be served, they need a person who is traumatised and addicted to them in order to get what they want. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: myself on November 11, 2014, 10:30:31 PM So let's really ask, WHY did we put up with this ___?
What is going to help keep us from doing so from now on? Holding a mirror up to our exes when they're gone does what? Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: vortex of confusion on November 11, 2014, 10:36:09 PM This absolutely describes the trauma bond and how it happens. But I don't think they set out with an evil plot to manipulate you consciously. At least this is not my feeling of my experience. There are people who actually do this though, just google 'pick up artist forum'... .There are actual websites devoted to teaching men how to manipulate women into a trauma bond. Sick! But I don't feel like my ex was one of these men who had crafted this twisted approach. I think the trauma bond was the result of a very disturbed man trying to have a normal r/s, but just didn't have the emotional maturity to do so mixed with a sense of entitlement that the world should revolve around him plus absolutely no ability to cope with his emotions. Do you think your exes were consciously plotting with this knowledge that if they did this push/pull thing they'd hook you and really eff you up? I have the same experience as you Pingo. I don't feel like mine was consciously plotting anything. I feel like mine is not conscious enough to plot something like that. Also, there is no way he is capable enough to do that much work. Mine is entirely too selfish. He lives in the moment and does whatever seems to work in the moment. There is no advanced planning on his part. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: vortex of confusion on November 11, 2014, 10:40:41 PM So let's really ask, WHY did we put up with this ___? What is going to help keep us from doing so from now on? Holding a mirror up to our exes when they're gone does what? To get at the WHY in why did we put up this ___ we need to hold the mirror up to ourselves. I probably hold the mirror up to him a bit too much but in putting the mirror up to him it helps me to look at how I truly felt and why I continued to be okay with it. There were way too many times when something would happen and I would try to say something about it but was dismissed or made to feel like I was the one that had the problem or was imagining things. It is like I am finally able to validate all of the thoughts and feelings that I have had over the years but completely repressed or denied. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: bungenstein on November 11, 2014, 10:41:31 PM This absolutely describes the trauma bond and how it happens. But I don't think they set out with an evil plot to manipulate you consciously. At least this is not my feeling of my experience. There are people who actually do this though, just google 'pick up artist forum'... .There are actual websites devoted to teaching men how to manipulate women into a trauma bond. Sick! But I don't feel like my ex was one of these men who had crafted this twisted approach. I think the trauma bond was the result of a very disturbed man trying to have a normal r/s, but just didn't have the emotional maturity to do so mixed with a sense of entitlement that the world should revolve around him plus absolutely no ability to cope with his emotions. Do you think your exes were consciously plotting with this knowledge that if they did this push/pull thing they'd hook you and really eff you up? I have the same experience as you Pingo. I don't feel like mine was consciously plotting anything. I feel like mine is not conscious enough to plot something like that. Also, there is no way he is capable enough to do that much work. Mine is entirely too selfish. He lives in the moment and does whatever seems to work in the moment. There is no advanced planning on his part. I don't believe its conscious either, its unconscious, buts its natural to them, its comes from their predatory nature, from the reptilian part of the brain that BPDs and other psychopaths operate from. They are constantly analysing you and trying to work out how to mirror you, they will say whatever they need to say to get their needs met. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: Pingo on November 11, 2014, 11:01:13 PM So let's really ask, WHY did we put up with this ___? What is going to help keep us from doing so from now on? Holding a mirror up to our exes when they're gone does what? Why did I put up with it? Because of the trauma bond. Why didn't I leave when the first red flag showed up? I was already hooked. Why was I hooked? Because I was in a very low place, I had lost my identity and was searching for meaning, purpose and acceptance. He came along and filled a gaping hole. What is going to keep me from doing so from now on? I am not 100% convinced I won't, that is why I am not interested in another r/s. I would hope that with my experience, all the therapy, the books, this board, that I would have enough self-identity and self-esteem to know what it is I want and not put up with anything less. But I'm not there yet. It's a work in progress. So why do I still look back at my ex when he is gone? Trying to make sense still of it. Trying to separate the part of me that cared deeply for him and committed myself to him from the part of me that let him run roughshod over my boundaries and suck the life out of me. I spend less and less time analysing him as time goes on and more and more time looking inward thank goodness. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: ATLandon on November 11, 2014, 11:07:37 PM So let's really ask, WHY did we put up with this ___? What is going to help keep us from doing so from now on? Holding a mirror up to our exes when they're gone does what? ... .He came along and filled a gaping hole. That's what she said. Sometimes you just gotta have a crazy sense of humor to deal with other people's cray cray. Title: Re: cant believe I put up with that sht... Post by: Pingo on November 11, 2014, 11:18:24 PM So let's really ask, WHY did we put up with this ___? What is going to help keep us from doing so from now on? Holding a mirror up to our exes when they're gone does what? ... .He came along and filled a gaping hole. That's what she said. Sometimes you just gotta have a crazy sense of humor to deal with other people's cray cray. Oh jeez! Okay, I would have phrased it a little different, but I do agree you gotta laugh when you can, some of this stuff you just couldn't make up! |