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Does anyone else get trapped into thinking they regret any actions or inactions on their own part which led to them being split black by their ex? In my case, I am constantly wondering if I could have avoided being split black had I just followed through with getting her the engagement ring she kept pressuring me for.She starting pressuring me early on  (5 months) into our relationship   and then kept the pressure on until she got tired of waiting and split me black for my ex best friend. She seemed so desperate which is why I was reluctant. She had never been married but already had a child and was too old to get pregnant so I could not understand the rush. I tried to reason with her that I wanted us to grow naturally and enjoy courtship and develop trust. I had been married twice before and just did not want to make another mistake. If she would have just let our relationship grow naturally, it would have happened. I finally offered her the ring she always wanted from me but it was too late. She had already given up on me and started a smear campaign with my ex best friend and seduced him. Her reaction to me offering her the ring she wanted so bad; calling the police on me and filing a false restraining order that was thrown out in court a few months later. I never spoke to her again nor my ex best friend. She has already broken up with him and moved a new replacement into her home. I feel like such a broken man over this. This experience has lead me to individual counseling. I blame myself constantly and can't seem to find light at the end of the tunnel. Any help would be greatly appreciated. 

Ehh, i really don't. Looking back on things, if bagging groceries in a way she didn't approve of or using too much soap to do the dishes set her off, it was inevitable that i would be painted black.

Being on here yeah I feel like I could have tried different strategies... .But I can't change the past. I can only see if I'm someone she wants in her life and should I find myself in the mindset that going back is the right move, then I will try to do things differently.

If she never comes back then it ran its course and wasn't meant to be... .Forcing something BPD or not is NEVER a good idea.

The ring... .the ring... .it´s not about the ring at all... .it never was and it will never be.

It´s about her illness.Nothing else.Nothing.Even if you´ve had bought her the ring at the "right" time NOTHING would have changed about her.Think about this: How can somebody change his personality just because he/she got a ring?

I know how you feel,I really do. Been there ,too.But believe me,my friend:NO MATTER WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE DONE... .SHE WOULD ALWAYS REMAIN A BORDERLINE. Sad,but true.

I did have regrets but now I realise I would only have delayed the inevitable. I would hsve probably ended up worse off thsn I did both financially and emotionally.

'Almost married' has absolutely NAILED this. Written everything I was about to.

It was NEVER about the ring and infact IF you'd given the ring and then followed it through - as would have been the next step - you could be MARRIED to someone with such horrendeous issues - it would be 1000 times worse than the grieving situation you are in now.

You dodged a bullet. I know it is hard to feel that just now, but you really, really did.

Hugs

C14

Thank you for the replies. I need to believe in my heart that I dodged a bullet. That will help me move forward.

You absolutely did.

C14

I have had those thoughts, that maybe if I'd handled things differently, we'd still be together.

Then I What the heck myself and think--are you kidding me?  If the only way you can be in a r/s with someone is to completely subjugate yourself to their whims (and in our cases, disorders)--why would we even want that? 

Being split black is a blessing in disguise if it happens before you've entangled yourself in a marriage, shared debts, children, etc.

It would be nice to receive an undisguised blessing sometime, for sure.  But don't second-guess yourself too much.  The right person allows you to be yourself in the r/s and you also allow yourself to be!  Also, vice versa, of course.

This I did ring on recycle was infatuated for a month... .Then dream car off another recycle [not on purpose I got a great deal wanted to make her truly happy and give her a gift like no other], 3 or 4 weeks later she refused to enjoy it out of spite over a fight. Then 22 days in total she was gone and told me never to contact her and sell the POS. She took down all pictures of rings, gifts I'd got her and pictures of the car, all traces of that and me removed.

You'd have simply lost money like me lol.

Mine also wouldn't have signed a prenup which I'd been yelled at by multiple people who manage my funds, etc. and honestly when she was happy I never second guessed it lol. So yeah I could be out big money if she married me n left.

At first I regretted not trying harder to keep her happy.

Then as I began to understand the reality of the situation, I regretted the opposite - that I had bothered wasting any effort on someone who behaved so appallingly.

Now my main regret is that I made any effort at all - I wish I'd been painted black much sooner, would have saved a lot of time and energy :)

She hasn't contacted me in over 2 months.  I always wonder if it was my actions that caused the split. I didn't know because we had no closure.

OT, but "CRAYDAR" as a user name has me LOL'ing... .wish I had that.

SwimJim

You should be proud of yourself for setting enough boundaries to not jump in to marriage with her. It wasn't about you or what you did right or wrong. The end result is always the same. You should feel lucky. You shouldn't feel broken. You were assaulted at your weakest points. We all were. It's nothing to be ashamed of. The shame is on them. It's your job to put yourself in position to be happy again. Start with your self esteem. By being hard on yourself you are just reinforcing that you are a bad person. You are not. Keep pushing ahead. Time and working on improving yourself will help clear your mind of the negativity of this relationship.

About your question... .  I have no regrets about what I did. I told her she may be BPD after I met with a psychiatrist and I offered to help her with therapy.  She contacted the police on me! I'm sorry but after 14 months NC I can say that I have no interest in associating in any way with a person that would do that. They are toxic and no one with any self respect would want anything to do with a person like that. I do feel pity for her but it's not my job to help or take care of her in any way. It's taken me a long time to get to this point, but it feels great to look back and say that I survived her best shot and I'm still standing. She no longer has any power to hurt me.

Thank you Waifed and everyone else. I will get in a better place. This has been more painful than going through a divorce. Maybe because I was ready for the divorce and accepted it.

Marriage is like blowing your legs off, and babies is like blowing your arms off, and then when they can't think of the next step, they'll blow your head off.

In order to be with someone like this, they require you to cut yourself down to a nub of the person you really are in order to accommodate them. They do not care how miserable that makes you, they have no empathy. I know they are different to psychopaths but they are very similar, you have one life, do you want to sacrifice it to someone who genuinely does not give a s*** about you, or anyone else?

We all know we are nothing more than objects to them, I am a human being, not an object, I am not going to give up my life for someone who wants to use me, who would actually consider this?

Fu*k, I'm still trying to figure out what I did! There were so many things flying out of her mouth that I truly thought I must have did them all. Can't put a finger on it... .

My BPD girlfriend had no car so she needed me to take her everywhere. She struggled to use the internet. She needed her bike fixed. She lost her phone constantly. If we went somewhere, I had to buy the tickets, consult Google maps, do all the planning, communication, reservations. I paid for everything.

This went on for about 5 months and around then, I began resisting sometimes when she would need a ride somewhere or I couldn't make plans with her at a moment's notice.

And a few weeks later, she broke up with me, saying "we had no future." She couldn't put it into words. But we'd gone from never having an argument, being ridiculously romantic and sexual all that time, to total cutoff.

In the past months, I have wondered if not being at her beck and call a handful of times toward the end are what created a shift in her mind. Despite the fact that 90% of the time, I was bending  over backward for her!

I have felt guilty about this, but no more. I refuse to believe my actions caused this. I am going to stop second guessing.

Swimjim, I could have written those same words. We where together for 3 years. After about 6 months I went on google and typed in: girlfriend with very bad mood.

I was shocked. But never accepted the situation I was in, simply because I did not want to believe it. Reading articles I looked for all the symptoms that didn't apply, just to convince myself that she was ok and my imagination is playing games with me. One symptom that made me feel great, is they sometimes get so angry they can throw something at you, or even physically attack you. Mine never did that, and I KNEW I was ok. Two weeks before I moved out, she attacked me with the bread knife.

Towards the end she demanded we plan our marriage, I buy a new house and a car for her, and in the meanwhile we try to see if she can get pregnant. She is 34, never been married and no kids.

I just couldn't do the baby thing. Something stopped me.

I was so damn depressed. Her list of demands grew daily. She even planned to stop working, and I must support her and the baby. This relationship has already cost me a fortune, and the money I spent meant nothing. During arguments she always brings a list up of all the money she demanded, which I refused to pay. This is big money, like overseas trips to visit her mother, and money to pay her mother's hospital bill. Yet, they are 4 kids, but I must pay.

The verbal abuse was something like I have never yet experienced in a relationship. It was terrible. The same things, over and over. It is like brainwashing someone.

It has been about 2 months of b/u and n/c now, and I really thought I was doing well. Last night I just couldn't sleep. Why do I miss this witch so much? Is it because she found her next victim within 2 weeks of me leaving, and I am suffering so much while she is playing victim and having the time of her life?

I find comfort in the fact that she is not going to wait another 3 years for a baby. So the new guy will not have too much honeymoon. He will have to put his money where his mouth is, very soon.

I know that if I can just keep going for another month or 2 I will look back and congratulate myself for walking out. Obviously I am painted as black as can be, but have now also cut all mutual friends out my life.

This is a long road to recovery, and finding this website was a life saver. Thanks to everyone who share their stories. It comforts the pain, and the tears will eventually dry up.

I know I am better off, and that sooner or later I would have gone this way. Thank God there is no house, debt or baby involved.

I have some regrets still I'm working in detaching from. My ex was a quiet borderline waif that didn't make a big deal of complaining. She would have a lot of little episodes.  They are hard to let go of. Because by the time they go into devaluing it can lead back to a mistake I made that seems like it could have changed the entire outcome. 

I had a very similar situation. It's a hallmark of BPD; it's the crazy-making. We are made to feel as if everything is our fault. I'll bet most of the non's here who regret doing something to cause them to be painted black, did nothing wrong.  I regret not setting firm boundaries right from the start

The problem Craydar is that I was in to deep, before I realized what was going on. I started to panic when I realized I was trapped. It felt like someone cast a spell on me. I got deadlines for buying her a car, a house and we had to start right away to get her pregnant. She started doing a budget for a wedding, and it was scary. Best of all, I had to pay everything. I think at that stage she had a feeling I was trying to distance myself. And she dug deeper and became more violent and I was just getting more and more depressed. Till I snapped and walked out. Knowing it was/is going to be hell. But rather this, than giving in to her final demands that would have ultimately destroyed me completely.

Part of my problem is I doubt myself and blame myself. I am the type of person who tries to avoid arguments. I have a tendency to forget the bad times and only remember the good times. However, I do remember her and I arguing frequently. I wanted her to go to couples counseling with me. She refused and said the only thing we fight about is my reluctance in getting her the ring. Wouldn't you think it would be counterproductive to nag and pressure for a ring? Wouldn't the best way to win a man's heart to the alter is become his best friend and just simply be joyful that the two of you have found each other and focus on trust, love, and growth. When she discarded me, she took it upon herself to ruin a 25 year friendship with my best friend with the smear campaign and then seducing him into a short term relationship. I could not defend myself against the smear campaign as they were both mudslinging me to each other to justify throwing me to the dogs. My ex best friend was a recovering alcoholic who I rescued on many occasions. He threw away a long term friendship just for a piece of a$$. He showed up at the restraining order hearing on her behalf. To see that was like taking a dagger to my heart. I know this sounds sick but I hope she really is disordered because that is the only way I can make any sense of all this.

I do and I don't. I became very depressed, introverted, and laid in bed most of the day until she finally left. It wasn't because I am really lazy or anything it is because she had worn me down so much. I hated having sex with her, I hated talking to her, she was such a b**ch to me about things, she abused weed to run from her problems, impulsive, childish, angry and a lot more.

She didn't want to be in the house all day and so she left. Idk why I was shutting down and being lazy, maybe because I was depressed and lying to myself about her. I DID THAT ALOT. I presented to be madly in love with her, I pretended our living situation was ok, I pretended I was happy when I really wasn't, I took care of her when she got overwhelmed with life and would cry. It just got to be too much for me man. I was worn down and my anxiety was through the roof, every time she left I would call her 100Xs.

Now that our relationship is over I am still in pain, and hurting like hell but I am glad she is out of my life. A couple more years and I would have become so accustom to the crazy of these kinds of relationships I couldn't live without chaos. I was addicted to the relationship and the kind of behavior she showed.

So I do regret what I did because she is probably spreading terrible roomers of me to people that I am no good at sex, and a lazy bum. But I don't regret it because it was a toxic   relationship and should've been cut off a long time ago.

CareTaker, you are in it far deeper than me. Ironically my uxBPDgf never wanted anything that would tie me to her, she was a commitment phobe but wouldn't let go. It all had to be on her terms. I was emotionally in it too deep when I realized that I needed to start setting boundaries. She needed to control the relationship and found a new guy on her terms once our relationship became, in her words, "very disfunctional". Which of course was my fault (?)

You know, after doing so much for her, and putting all my needs a side, I don't think I can count how many times I heard those same words.

do all these girls have the same mother?

No, I don't regret it.  It even sort of made the (six years later) recycle worthwhile.

The first time I broke up with him I sort of felt guilty about the suicide threats etc.  It turned out he'd still been emailing me not long before he managed to get in touch again by social media. 

The little moods had started after the first time I saw him again.  After the third time he started whinging via facebook messenger on a much bigger scale, (after stamping all over my boundaries of which he'd been warned of in advance), you know, get in first before she pulls me up on my behaviour?

So I told him what I thought of him, granted I wasn't particularly nice about it, and it sent him into meltdown.  I don't regret it in the slightest because I haven't heard a peep in over three months.  Probably the longest time he hasn't attempted to contact me in over six years of knowing him.

As others have said you have had a lucky escape, even if it doesn't feel like that right now.

This is a timely post for me. I've been struggling with this nagging feeling lately that I am regretful of doing something that has gotten me painted the deepest shade of black.

This something was going NC. Over the course of the last four months, my xw has been trying to engage me through emails, from every angle she could think of. First it was her trying to be all sweet. Then, progressively she started to get angry until at present, she's written me off completely. Now she seems to hate my guts. Evidenced by a couple nasty, accusatory emails and her not responding to my emails about logistical issues pertaining to the divorce settlement.

I told her my reason for going NC 4 months ago was for my emotional safety and well being. She somehow forgot my reason for NC over time. Now I think she feels my NC is to deliberately torture her. For the most part I don't regret being painted black. What makes me sometimes regret being painted black is that I had hoped that NC would give her time to think about the way in which she treated me and subsequently destroyed our marriage. I was hoping some space would help her gain some clarity and she would then want proper closure. Instead NC had the opposite effect. She choose to kick and scream in an attempt to have her way. Same old, same old.

So my regret is more about how she couldn't step up and grow up and less about her painting me black.

For me, I think the crux of being painted black is that knowing she's angry triggers my deeply ingrained fears of upsetting her. Her anger is volatile to the extreme. It scares me.

Even though I no longer have to deal with her anger directly, it still triggers fear in me. I hope to move beyond this but for now it's a reality.

Sadly, absence does not make the heart grow fonder with a BPD. Out of sight, out of mind. Hard to imagine with that much time invested.

In breifly reading over this, if you had got her the ring, it would only be a matter of time before she would act the same way with something else. The BPDx used to be like that with me. Not to the extremes of a ring, but stuff like oh we need a new kitchen table, we need this we need that. She would be fine for a little while after getting it then start complaining about something else real soon.

One of the first things I realized about this disorder is that they're never satisfied for long. This truly hit home for me when, soon after I finished building my xw a cabin in the mountains, she then started to complain about how she wanted to move to CA. I thought after finishing our cabin we could bask in our accomplishment of making a mutual dream come true. But no, she had to come up with a new dream and project herself into a new "happier" future. At that point I knew I was dealing with someone I could never make happy for any length of time.

Believe this, no ring or commitment would satisfy her for long. Bpd's are an embodiment of a blackhole. In this regard they're all the same. You can project that fact onto anything you'd like, ring, home, new car, your love and commitment, etc. It's forever an uphill struggle. If you're wondering if you could have changed the outcome by giving her what she wanted, the most logical answer to the question is, yes you could have prolonged the relationship. Only to end up meeting another inevitable crossroads that would require you to either suspend your needs in trade for her fleeting satisfaction or be beaten down for not giving her what she wanted.

The things I did that triggered her (the negatives were in her mind) to be seen by her as reasons she shouldn't be in the r/s included loving her, being her friend, caring about her, and being honest. So, no, I don't have regrets. By the time she painted me black it was a big surprise to me. But towards the end, even the good times were shadowed with knowing the other shoe was going to drop. Even though I was doing everything I could to help that not happen. Don't do the time if you didn't do the crime. Accept Yourself.

I never met my uxBPDgfs mother. Though I never cared, she was too much of a commitment phobe to let me meet the Michelangelo that created my dear masterpiece. If she was mad at me, she would make it known that if I somehow made it back into her "good graces" she would be willing to see me. what the heck is that crazy ___?

My gf and her mother were pure dysfunction, but my gf ended caring for her, putting her in a assisted living home, taking care of her meds etc. I got caught up with my gf of course while gf was under going separation/divorce and got to meet her. Oil and water those two were. Then she passed away and I got caught up in that, funeral arrangements, cleaning out her moms place etc. And yet I still get dumped.

Hi swimjim,


I think you feel "trapped" by this thinking because it is easier on the mind to believe that you had some kind of control in a situation, than to accept that you have no control of a situation: i.e., whether or not your ex chooses to split you black.


As I think is the case for many others here in these forums, I doubt that if you were to have married her, she would have changed her ways.  Rather, she would find some other reason, some other lightning rod to justify her disordered thoughts and feelings.

You see, it was convenient for her to believe that because you were not willing to marry her, then this was her "evidence" that you intended to leave/abandon her.  And this is why she split you black, because she *needed* to have someone or something external of her own disordered mind, to blame for her disordered feelings.


She got pregnant by someone else because by getting pregnant (just as by getting married), in her mind, was a way to protect herself from feeling abandoned.  After all, whomever she has a child with, that person is bound to her by this child for the rest of their lives.  And by marrying someone, that person is legally bound to her.  But none of this helps her with her real problem, which is why she has this disordered insecurity/fear to being with. 

It is up to her if she will ever consider that the problem lies within herself, and perhaps begin to recover from her disorder.


I wouldn't expect her to respond to reason.  After all her fears stem from her disorder and you cannot reason a person out of a mental disorder.


I think it will be hard for you if you continue to blame yourself for her actions and behavior.  Can you not see that it is completely unreasonable for someone to call the police on you because you failed to propose to them in the time in which they want you to propose?  Her smear campaign against is yet again another piece of evidence that she is disordered.

I hope some of what I have written is helpful to you.

I would continue with your individual therapy.  I suspect that some of her disordered behavior resonates with some other deeper psychological wound you sustained in your life.  The difficulty you have in walking away from this is perhaps the difficulty you are having coming to terms with some other past experience of dealing with a disordered person in your life.

Best wishes,

Schwing

Don't think it would have mattered. I second guess myself all the time. I keep coming back to it wouldn't have made a difference. Not worth it anymore.

To this I can add: (1) making the bed in a non-approved way, (2) folding the laundry, particularly the towels, in the wrong way.  Until I met her, I did not know there was a wrong way to fold towels.

I once made the bed, and it looked great.  She inspected it, did not like the way it was made, unmade and then remade the bed.  As if I were a child to whom she was trying to teach a lesson.  The bed looked exactly the same way when she remade it her way. 

First, I admit that I do sometimes think about mistakes I made or might have made.  However, as odd as this sounds, my overriding thought is that I am glad if I made any innocent mistakes that might have helped run things off the tracks.  The best outcome with a pwBPD, in my opinion, is for things to end as soon as possible.  My biggest mistake was to be ignorant about BPD, and to not go to a psychiatrist immediately when I saw her liability, to ask what was going on.

Second, along those lines, have you read the stories here, have you read about BPD, do you realize how bad things would have gotten once you got engaged?  You are entirely right that there was no reason for her to rush for engagement.  She would have rushed you into it and then her mask would have come off with even greater intensity than it did.  You dodged a bullet.  Putting a ring on a pwBPD makes things worse, including, ironically, the fear of abandonment (this was definitely my experience and it corresponds with the nature of the disorder).

And to join in the sarcasm of others, I do regret giving her thousands of dollars, moving for her, commuting a long distance for her, not dumping her when I found out about the massive debts she hid from me, giving my complete unconditional love to her despite her rages that neither of us could completely understand, etc. 

Sure! I gave of my heart, never criticized, was loyal, accommodating, made huge sacrifices, listened to here complain about her son as 75% of all of our communication, took her places, complimented her, treated her like a lady. avoided arguments or things that could possibly lead to them even if I had to eat a little crow... .TOTALLY regret it!

Schwing's post covers what I was thinking.

If it wasn't thing A, then thing B would've caused the devaluing later.

Mine was obsessed with strength and masculine strength in a male, to an over the top degree and to a point where the male would have to be callous and totally devoid of emotion.  I would've had to have been a navy seal and also sociopath to please that part of her, but then another part would've made her mad instead.  Incidentally, her younger brother is military spec ops and likely has narcissistic PD, and she has pictures of him everywhere even over her toilet.    And her brother is a serial cheater and total a-hole that she adores.

So, to get to my point, for me reliving the moments that made her devalue me is related to insecurities because me showing any type of weakness is what caused it.  So, it is related to my masculinity.  But she wouldn't know authentic masculinity from a good man if it smacked her in the face.  She should read books and fantasize about her perfect mate because objects in our reality can't be two contradictory things simultaneously.

I'm also concerned that I taught her only enough to be a slightly better partner and that my replacement will benefit and she will think more highly of me.  I know, silly thing to worry about.  If I ended things but also set her on a path to healing herself, then I should be happy.  It nags at me oddly that someone else will get a better her because of me while I got a crap sandwich for my troubles.  Human but weak of me.  And a bit of jealousy I suppose.

Interesting perspective.  I feel the opposite in my situation.  I feel like she's gained experience in how to be manipulative and pull her BPD stunts, and I spoiled her at the end, so I think she is going to be more manipulative and entitled with the next guy.  Also, my ex seemed to be very traumatized by the whole intimacy thing with me, similar to some relationships that weighed on her before me, so now that she has this failed engagement under her belt I think she's going to be even more pessimistic, paranoid, angry, etc.

Thank you Schwing. You are always very helpful.

You know the final big bang? We had broken up and sort of patched things up. I was in the living room watching TV, and was finally relaxed enough that I could laugh at a really funny interview. She came storming into the room to tell me that it bothered her to hear me happy, and to ''politely' ask that I watch TV in my room (which wasn't possible for that show because of how devices were arranged). This yanked me out of my good mood, and I got very angry at her having the gall to tell me that I couldn't watch TV in my own living room, we shouted back and forth, and she threw her birthday cake into the sink and told me that it really was over.

So, in the end I was split black for daring to relax and feel OK about how things were going. I suppose I didn't have to get angry about having the rug yanked out from under me, but really I just can't feel too much sadness over it.

Classic BPD.  They just need everyone to have anxiety and unhappiness.