Anyone else regret their actions or inactions which led to being split black?

[swimjim]

Does anyone else get trapped into thinking they regret any actions or inactions on their own part which led to them being split black by their ex? In my case, I am constantly wondering if I could have avoided being split black had I just followed through with getting her the engagement ring she kept pressuring me for.She starting pressuring me early on  (5 months) into our relationship   and then kept the pressure on until she got tired of waiting and split me black for my ex best friend. She seemed so desperate which is why I was reluctant. She had never been married but already had a child and was too old to get pregnant so I could not understand the rush. I tried to reason with her that I wanted us to grow naturally and enjoy courtship and develop trust. I had been married twice before and just did not want to make another mistake. If she would have just let our relationship grow naturally, it would have happened. I finally offered her the ring she always wanted from me but it was too late. She had already given up on me and started a smear campaign with my ex best friend and seduced him. Her reaction to me offering her the ring she wanted so bad; calling the police on me and filing a false restraining order that was thrown out in court a few months later. I never spoke to her again nor my ex best friend. She has already broken up with him and moved a new replacement into her home. I feel like such a broken man over this. This experience has lead me to individual counseling. I blame myself constantly and can't seem to find light at the end of the tunnel. Any help would be greatly appreciated. 

[clydegriffith]

Ehh, i really don't. Looking back on things, if bagging groceries in a way she didn't approve of or using too much soap to do the dishes set her off, it was inevitable that i would be painted black.

[DangIthurts]

Being on here yeah I feel like I could have tried different strategies... .But I can't change the past. I can only see if I'm someone she wants in her life and should I find myself in the mindset that going back is the right move, then I will try to do things differently.

If she never comes back then it ran its course and wasn't meant to be... .Forcing something BPD or not is NEVER a good idea.

[almostmarried]

The ring... .the ring... .it´s not about the ring at all... .it never was and it will never be.

It´s about her illness.Nothing else.Nothing.Even if you´ve had bought her the ring at the "right" time NOTHING would have changed about her.Think about this: How can somebody change his personality just because he/she got a ring?

I know how you feel,I really do. Been there ,too.But believe me,my friend:NO MATTER WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE DONE... .SHE WOULD ALWAYS REMAIN A BORDERLINE. Sad,but true.

[enlighten me]

I did have regrets but now I realise I would only have delayed the inevitable. I would hsve probably ended up worse off thsn I did both financially and emotionally.

[Compassion14]

'Almost married' has absolutely NAILED this. Written everything I was about to.

It was NEVER about the ring and infact IF you'd given the ring and then followed it through - as would have been the next step - you could be MARRIED to someone with such horrendeous issues - it would be 1000 times worse than the grieving situation you are in now.

You dodged a bullet. I know it is hard to feel that just now, but you really, really did.

Hugs

C14

[swimjim]

Thank you for the replies. I need to believe in my heart that I dodged a bullet. That will help me move forward.

[Compassion14]

You absolutely did.

C14

[SickofMe]

I have had those thoughts, that maybe if I'd handled things differently, we'd still be together.

Then I What the heck myself and think--are you kidding me?  If the only way you can be in a r/s with someone is to completely subjugate yourself to their whims (and in our cases, disorders)--why would we even want that? 

Being split black is a blessing in disguise if it happens before you've entangled yourself in a marriage, shared debts, children, etc.

It would be nice to receive an undisguised blessing sometime, for sure.  But don't second-guess yourself too much.  The right person allows you to be yourself in the r/s and you also allow yourself to be!  Also, vice versa, of course.

[DangIthurts]

The ring... .the ring... .it´s not about the ring at all... .it never was and it will never be.

It´s about her illness.Nothing else.Nothing.Even if you´ve had bought her the ring at the "right" time NOTHING would have changed about her.Think about this: How can somebody change his personality just because he/she got a ring?

I know how you feel,I really do. Been there ,too.But believe me,my friend:NO MATTER WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE DONE... .SHE WOULD ALWAYS REMAIN A BORDERLINE. Sad,but true.

This I did ring on recycle was infatuated for a month... .Then dream car off another recycle [not on purpose I got a great deal wanted to make her truly happy and give her a gift like no other], 3 or 4 weeks later she refused to enjoy it out of spite over a fight. Then 22 days in total she was gone and told me never to contact her and sell the POS. She took down all pictures of rings, gifts I'd got her and pictures of the car, all traces of that and me removed.

You'd have simply lost money like me .

Mine also wouldn't have signed a prenup which I'd been yelled at by multiple people who manage my funds, etc. and honestly when she was happy I never second guessed it . So yeah I could be out big money if she married me n left.

[camuse]

At first I regretted not trying harder to keep her happy.

Then as I began to understand the reality of the situation, I regretted the opposite - that I had bothered wasting any effort on someone who behaved so appallingly.

Now my main regret is that I made any effort at all - I wish I'd been painted black much sooner, would have saved a lot of time and energy

[Craydar]

She hasn't contacted me in over 2 months.  I always wonder if it was my actions that caused the split. I didn't know because we had no closure.

[SickofMe]

She hasn't contacted me in over 2 months.  I always wonder if it was my actions that caused the split. I didn't know because we had no closure.

OT, but "CRAYDAR" as a user name has me LOL'ing... .wish I had that.

[Waifed]

Does anyone else get trapped into thinking they regret any actions or inactions on their own part which led to them being split black by their ex? In my case, I am constantly wondering if I could have avoided being split black had I just followed through with getting her the engagement ring she kept pressuring me for.She starting pressuring me early on  (5 months) into our relationship   and then kept the pressure on until she got tired of waiting and split me black for my ex best friend. She seemed so desperate which is why I was reluctant. She had never been married but already had a child and was too old to get pregnant so I could not understand the rush. I tried to reason with her that I wanted us to grow naturally and enjoy courtship and develop trust. I had been married twice before and just did not want to make another mistake. If she would have just let our relationship grow naturally, it would have happened. I finally offered her the ring she always wanted from me but it was too late. She had already given up on me and started a smear campaign with my ex best friend and seduced him. Her reaction to me offering her the ring she wanted so bad; calling the police on me and filing a false restraining order that was thrown out in court a few months later. I never spoke to her again nor my ex best friend. She has already broken up with him and moved a new replacement into her home. I feel like such a broken man over this. This experience has lead me to individual counseling. I blame myself constantly and can't seem to find light at the end of the tunnel. Any help would be greatly appreciated. 

SwimJim

You should be proud of yourself for setting enough boundaries to not jump in to marriage with her. It wasn't about you or what you did right or wrong. The end result is always the same. You should feel lucky. You shouldn't feel broken. You were assaulted at your weakest points. We all were. It's nothing to be ashamed of. The shame is on them. It's your job to put yourself in position to be happy again. Start with your self esteem. By being hard on yourself you are just reinforcing that you are a bad person. You are not. Keep pushing ahead. Time and working on improving yourself will help clear your mind of the negativity of this relationship.

About your question... .  I have no regrets about what I did. I told her she may be BPD after I met with a psychiatrist and I offered to help her with therapy.  She contacted the police on me! I'm sorry but after 14 months NC I can say that I have no interest in associating in any way with a person that would do that. They are toxic and no one with any self respect would want anything to do with a person like that. I do feel pity for her but it's not my job to help or take care of her in any way. It's taken me a long time to get to this point, but it feels great to look back and say that I survived her best shot and I'm still standing. She no longer has any power to hurt me.

[swimjim]

Thank you Waifed and everyone else. I will get in a better place. This has been more painful than going through a divorce. Maybe because I was ready for the divorce and accepted it.

[bungenstein]

Marriage is like blowing your legs off, and babies is like blowing your arms off, and then when they can't think of the next step, they'll blow your head off.

In order to be with someone like this, they require you to cut yourself down to a nub of the person you really are in order to accommodate them. They do not care how miserable that makes you, they have no empathy. I know they are different to psychopaths but they are very similar, you have one life, do you want to sacrifice it to someone who genuinely does not give a s*** about you, or anyone else?

We all know we are nothing more than objects to them, I am a human being, not an object, I am not going to give up my life for someone who wants to use me, who would actually consider this?

[Deeno02]

Fu*k, I'm still trying to figure out what I did! There were so many things flying out of her mouth that I truly thought I must have did them all. Can't put a finger on it... .

[divinehammer]

My BPD girlfriend had no car so she needed me to take her everywhere. She struggled to use the internet. She needed her bike fixed. She lost her phone constantly. If we went somewhere, I had to buy the tickets, consult Google maps, do all the planning, communication, reservations. I paid for everything.

This went on for about 5 months and around then, I began resisting sometimes when she would need a ride somewhere or I couldn't make plans with her at a moment's notice.

And a few weeks later, she broke up with me, saying "we had no future." She couldn't put it into words. But we'd gone from never having an argument, being ridiculously romantic and sexual all that time, to total cutoff.

In the past months, I have wondered if not being at her beck and call a handful of times toward the end are what created a shift in her mind. Despite the fact that 90% of the time, I was bending  over backward for her!

I have felt guilty about this, but no more. I refuse to believe my actions caused this. I am going to stop second guessing.

[CareTaker]

Swimjim, I could have written those same words. We where together for 3 years. After about 6 months I went on google and typed in: girlfriend with very bad mood.

I was shocked. But never accepted the situation I was in, simply because I did not want to believe it. Reading articles I looked for all the symptoms that didn't apply, just to convince myself that she was ok and my imagination is playing games with me. One symptom that made me feel great, is they sometimes get so angry they can throw something at you, or even physically attack you. Mine never did that, and I KNEW I was ok. Two weeks before I moved out, she attacked me with the bread knife.

Towards the end she demanded we plan our marriage, I buy a new house and a car for her, and in the meanwhile we try to see if she can get pregnant. She is 34, never been married and no kids.

I just couldn't do the baby thing. Something stopped me.

I was so damn depressed. Her list of demands grew daily. She even planned to stop working, and I must support her and the baby. This relationship has already cost me a fortune, and the money I spent meant nothing. During arguments she always brings a list up of all the money she demanded, which I refused to pay. This is big money, like overseas trips to visit her mother, and money to pay her mother's hospital bill. Yet, they are 4 kids, but I must pay.

The verbal abuse was something like I have never yet experienced in a relationship. It was terrible. The same things, over and over. It is like brainwashing someone.

It has been about 2 months of b/u and n/c now, and I really thought I was doing well. Last night I just couldn't sleep. Why do I miss this witch so much? Is it because she found her next victim within 2 weeks of me leaving, and I am suffering so much while she is playing victim and having the time of her life?

I find comfort in the fact that she is not going to wait another 3 years for a baby. So the new guy will not have too much honeymoon. He will have to put his money where his mouth is, very soon.

I know that if I can just keep going for another month or 2 I will look back and congratulate myself for walking out. Obviously I am painted as black as can be, but have now also cut all mutual friends out my life.

This is a long road to recovery, and finding this website was a life saver. Thanks to everyone who share their stories. It comforts the pain, and the tears will eventually dry up.

I know I am better off, and that sooner or later I would have gone this way. Thank God there is no house, debt or baby involved.

[Blimblam]

I have some regrets still I'm working in detaching from. My ex was a quiet borderline waif that didn't make a big deal of complaining. She would have a lot of little episodes.  They are hard to let go of. Because by the time they go into devaluing it can lead back to a mistake I made that seems like it could have changed the entire outcome. 

[Craydar]

I have some regrets still I'm working in detaching from. My ex was a quiet borderline waif that didn't make a big deal of complaining. She would have a lot of little episodes.  They are hard to let go of. Because by the time they go into devaluing it can lead back to a mistake I made that seems like it could have changed the entire outcome. 

I had a very similar situation. It's a hallmark of BPD; it's the crazy-making. We are made to feel as if everything is our fault. I'll bet most of the non's here who regret doing something to cause them to be painted black, did nothing wrong.  I regret not setting firm boundaries right from the start

[CareTaker]

I regret not setting firm boundaries right from the start

The problem Craydar is that I was in to deep, before I realized what was going on. I started to panic when I realized I was trapped. It felt like someone cast a spell on me. I got deadlines for buying her a car, a house and we had to start right away to get her pregnant. She started doing a budget for a wedding, and it was scary. Best of all, I had to pay everything. I think at that stage she had a feeling I was trying to distance myself. And she dug deeper and became more violent and I was just getting more and more depressed. Till I snapped and walked out. Knowing it was/is going to be hell. But rather this, than giving in to her final demands that would have ultimately destroyed me completely.

[swimjim]

Part of my problem is I doubt myself and blame myself. I am the type of person who tries to avoid arguments. I have a tendency to forget the bad times and only remember the good times. However, I do remember her and I arguing frequently. I wanted her to go to couples counseling with me. She refused and said the only thing we fight about is my reluctance in getting her the ring. Wouldn't you think it would be counterproductive to nag and pressure for a ring? Wouldn't the best way to win a man's heart to the alter is become his best friend and just simply be joyful that the two of you have found each other and focus on trust, love, and growth. When she discarded me, she took it upon herself to ruin a 25 year friendship with my best friend with the smear campaign and then seducing him into a short term relationship. I could not defend myself against the smear campaign as they were both mudslinging me to each other to justify throwing me to the dogs. My ex best friend was a recovering alcoholic who I rescued on many occasions. He threw away a long term friendship just for a piece of a$$. He showed up at the restraining order hearing on her behalf. To see that was like taking a dagger to my heart. I know this sounds sick but I hope she really is disordered because that is the only way I can make any sense of all this.

[antonio1213]

I do and I don't. I became very depressed, introverted, and laid in bed most of the day until she finally left. It wasn't because I am really lazy or anything it is because she had worn me down so much. I hated having sex with her, I hated talking to her, she was such a b**ch to me about things, she abused weed to run from her problems, impulsive, childish, angry and a lot more.

She didn't want to be in the house all day and so she left. Idk why I was shutting down and being lazy, maybe because I was depressed and lying to myself about her. I DID THAT ALOT. I presented to be madly in love with her, I pretended our living situation was ok, I pretended I was happy when I really wasn't, I took care of her when she got overwhelmed with life and would cry. It just got to be too much for me man. I was worn down and my anxiety was through the roof, every time she left I would call her 100Xs.

Now that our relationship is over I am still in pain, and hurting like hell but I am glad she is out of my life. A couple more years and I would have become so accustom to the crazy of these kinds of relationships I couldn't live without chaos. I was addicted to the relationship and the kind of behavior she showed.

So I do regret what I did because she is probably spreading terrible roomers of me to people that I am no good at sex, and a lazy bum. But I don't regret it because it was a toxic   relationship and should've been cut off a long time ago.

[Craydar]

I regret not setting firm boundaries right from the start

The problem Craydar is that I was in to deep, before I realized what was going on. I started to panic when I realized I was trapped. It felt like someone cast a spell on me. I got deadlines for buying her a car, a house and we had to start right away to get her pregnant. She started doing a budget for a wedding, and it was scary. Best of all, I had to pay everything. I think at that stage she had a feeling I was trying to distance myself. And she dug deeper and became more violent and I was just getting more and more depressed. Till I snapped and walked out. Knowing it was/is going to be hell. But rather this, than giving in to her final demands that would have ultimately destroyed me completely.

CareTaker, you are in it far deeper than me. Ironically my uxBPDgf never wanted anything that would tie me to her, she was a commitment phobe but wouldn't let go. It all had to be on her terms. I was emotionally in it too deep when I realized that I needed to start setting boundaries. She needed to control the relationship and found a new guy on her terms once our relationship became, in her words, "very disfunctional". Which of course was my fault (?)

[CareTaker]

our relationship became, in her words, "very disfunctional". Which of course was my fault

You know, after doing so much for her, and putting all my needs a side, I don't think I can count how many times I heard those same words.

do all these girls have the same mother?

[Lolster]

No, I don't regret it.  It even sort of made the (six years later) recycle worthwhile.

The first time I broke up with him I sort of felt guilty about the suicide threats etc.  It turned out he'd still been emailing me not long before he managed to get in touch again by social media. 

The little moods had started after the first time I saw him again.  After the third time he started whinging via facebook messenger on a much bigger scale, (after stamping all over my boundaries of which he'd been warned of in advance), you know, get in first before she pulls me up on my behaviour?

So I told him what I thought of him, granted I wasn't particularly nice about it, and it sent him into meltdown.  I don't regret it in the slightest because I haven't heard a peep in over three months.  Probably the longest time he hasn't attempted to contact me in over six years of knowing him.

As others have said you have had a lucky escape, even if it doesn't feel like that right now.

[RisingSun]

This is a timely post for me. I've been struggling with this nagging feeling lately that I am regretful of doing something that has gotten me painted the deepest shade of black.

This something was going NC. Over the course of the last four months, my xw has been trying to engage me through emails, from every angle she could think of. First it was her trying to be all sweet. Then, progressively she started to get angry until at present, she's written me off completely. Now she seems to hate my guts. Evidenced by a couple nasty, accusatory emails and her not responding to my emails about logistical issues pertaining to the divorce settlement.

I told her my reason for going NC 4 months ago was for my emotional safety and well being. She somehow forgot my reason for NC over time. Now I think she feels my NC is to deliberately torture her. For the most part I don't regret being painted black. What makes me sometimes regret being painted black is that I had hoped that NC would give her time to think about the way in which she treated me and subsequently destroyed our marriage. I was hoping some space would help her gain some clarity and she would then want proper closure. Instead NC had the opposite effect. She choose to kick and scream in an attempt to have her way. Same old, same old.

So my regret is more about how she couldn't step up and grow up and less about her painting me black.

For me, I think the crux of being painted black is that knowing she's angry triggers my deeply ingrained fears of upsetting her. Her anger is volatile to the extreme. It scares me.

Even though I no longer have to deal with her anger directly, it still triggers fear in me. I hope to move beyond this but for now it's a reality.

[swimjim]

This is a timely post for me. I've been struggling with this nagging feeling lately that I am regretful of doing something that has gotten me painted the deepest shade of black.

This something was going NC. Over the course of the last four months, my xw has been trying to engage me through emails, from every angle she could think of. First it was her trying to be all sweet. Then, progressively she started to get angry until at present, she's written me off completely. Now she seems to hate my guts. Evidenced by a couple nasty, accusatory emails and her not responding to my emails about logistical issues pertaining to the divorce settlement.

Distance does not make the heart grow fonder with a BPD. Out of sight, out of mind, sadly.

I told her my reason for going NC 4 months ago was for my emotional safety and well being. She somehow forgot my reason for NC over time. Now I think she feels my NC is to deliberately torture her. For the most part I don't regret being painted black. What makes me sometimes regret being painted black is that I had hoped that NC would give her time to think about the way in which she treated me and subsequently destroyed our marriage. I was hoping some space would help her gain some clarity and she would then want proper closure. Instead NC had the opposite effect. She choose to kick and scream in an attempt to have her way. Same old, same old.

So my regret is more about how she couldn't step up and grow up and less about her painting me black.

For me, I think the crux of being painted black is that knowing she's angry triggers my deeply ingrained fears of upsetting her. Her anger is volatile to the extreme. It scares me.

Even though I no longer have to deal with her anger directly, it still triggers fear in me. I hope to move beyond this but for now it's a reality.

[swimjim]

Sadly, absence does not make the heart grow fonder with a BPD. Out of sight, out of mind. Hard to imagine with that much time invested.