BPDFamily.com

Hi guys,

I'm looking for some advice on how best to handle this situation going forward. I recently informed my undiagnosed exBPD that she should talk to her doctor/counsellor about treatment. I worked very hard for several months confirming the diagnosis with the assistance of psychiatrists and counsellors who told me how to approach this sensitive situation. I am now very very familiar with BPD but I still find that I get curve balls all the time - that I don't really know how to handle. I'm wondering if the following situation is a form of gaslighting and if so how should I proceed.

1. I presented exBPD with letter (pre-approved by an expert) informing her about her risk of BPD and that she should go talk to her doctor or counsellor to either confirm it or rule it out. I also arranged for her to be able to contact a world expert in assessing & treating BPD and offered to pay for an initial consult. I also told her to not talk to her friends, co-worker's,or even her family about it (since her mother is a suspected undiagnosed BPD too) until she got advice from her doctor or counsellor. She obviously knew something was up because she was increasingly engaging in very hurtful quite shocking narcissistic behavior to me before I handed her the letter. Regardless, I didn't let it affect me as best I could and focused on handing her the letter and then sat back and waited.

2. 1 week after I delivered the letter, I got the expected rage text when I was away. I waited to the next day to reply and calmly told her that now that she was informed about the risk she could decide what was best for her. Again, then I sat back and didn't initiate contact.

3. 10 days after that I ran into her and she was obviously still very upset with me but she calmed down and wanted to hang out. She also told me that her friends thought I was wrong and crazy for giving me that letter, and gave no indication of wanting to seek a diagnosis or treatment. I didn't react or say anything and ignored it.

4. A few days after that she invited more over to have dinner with her parents who were visiting. I knew this was a ploy by her to try to show them that she is capable of hanging out with a decent guy but I nonetheless went anyways for my own reason - that being to get to know the parents in case it was helpful in building a support network for her if she sought treatment in the future. She was also hanging around with another guy at the time but she chose me as the one to invite over to meet her parents.

I didn't bring anything up with the parents but was prepared to discuss things if they asked me directly or expressed concern about their daughter. They did not - so I kept quiet. She was obviously curious to see if I was going to mention anything to them and left me alone with her father but secretly remained within earshot to see if I'd say anything.

It was very evident to me that the family dynamics were very used to BPD behaviour. Case in point, I arrived and exBPD wasn't there and it was just me with the parents. When exPBD entered the room, she was in a disassociated state of rage for 5 min regarding an incident with her neighbour. During that time she didn't even acknowledge my presence or say hi and the parents just treated the situation like it was normal. It was quite strange but I got the impression that it was almost as if she felt more comfortable raging in my and her parent's presence - kind of like I was being brought into her inner circle of the most trusted people in her life.

5. A few days later I found out that that she was indirectly projecting about me to her friends. She indicated to them that I was just upset about our relationship ending several months before. After hearing this, I interpreted it as my message must have gotten through and that she was still processing what I told her but was unable to accept the situation yet. So again, I just sat back (didn't initiate contact) and waited and decided not to try to take another run at convincing her to seek treatment.

6. I then went on a trip and didn't contact her for 2.5 weeks. While I was away she reached out asking if I was back. I later found out that this was a few days after she engaged in impulsive sex with an individual and was feeling bad about her behaviour. When I got back a few days later she asked me over. I went over and then she indicated that she recognized that she had a problem and gave me the impression that she was now seeing her counsellor regularly and making progress. She even pulled out her notebook and showed me her detailed notes she had making when she talked with her counsellor. Most tellingly she also on her own accord mentioned that she understood the importance of having feelings validated in her childhood and that she regretted that that hadn't happened with her. This was very significant since it led me to believe that her counsellor was obviously talking to her about managing her BPD. It was great news to hear and it seemed like she was on her way to start getting treated (even if it was simply CBT and she wasn't in group DBT yet).

7. Several days later, in an effort to encourage her good behavior I decided to tell her how proud I was of her that she was still going to counselling and that I'd like to take her out to dinner. When I did so, however, she immediately said that she wasn't even seeing her counsellor anymore. It was like a knee jerk reaction and she would have had no idea that I was about to tell her that. She didn't even have much of a chance to pick up on my facial queues since she was looking at her laptop when I told her. This was obviously quite shocking and I didn't know what to say. She also said that "she was fine and that she didn't need anybody to be worrying about her." I was quite shocked and felt like I'd been manipulated again and kicked in the guts. The conversation ended with her still saying she wanted to go to dinner this week.

So, now I'm not quite sure what to do. It would seem that this is a form of gaslighting - she is obviously sophisticated enough to tell me what I want to hear and then engage in manipulation to keep me around without apparently seeking treatment. At the same time, I don't know if she actually is seeking treatment but giving me a different impression or that this is a case of her secretly crying out for help (e.g. "I'm fine", when she's obviously not).

She's obviously going to reach out and contact me again - probably expecting dinner. At the same time, I'm increasingly sensing that she is devaluing me at the moment - which she has cycled through many times before.

Now what do I do? I obviously still want to gently encourage her to seek treatment but at the same time not reward bad behavior and I certainly don't want to continue to be her punching bag. I was prepared to walk away before if she chose not to seek treatment since I know that if she doesn't then I'll just continue to get abused. At the same time - she's obviously sending mixed signals about getting treatment. Do I need to drop the hammer and say no dinner? Do I consider finally walking away and reinforcing her abandonment issues? At the same time, if I do that she'll obviously repeat this cycle and pretend she's going to treatment in an effort to get me back. Finally, I need to consider whether I should just keep being supportive and encouraging her to seek treatment.

Myself, I'm in a pretty good headspace now and understand what I'm dealing with. At the same time, nothing can fully prepare you to deal with curveballs like this.

Any interpretation or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

hi lettherebelight  


information about BPD is usually badly received by the pwBPD. in addition to the offense that anyone would feel if told that they had a disorder, a cardinal marker of BPD is extreme sensitivity to judgement and rejection. we have an article about the process, Helping a Loved-One with Borderline Personality Disorder Seek Treatment (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy).

in that article you'll read some about the mindframe of a pwBPD. that's not our mindframe, and you will be getting curveballs from her, as i did with my w, responses and expectations i couldn't understand. my w's actions and reactions were driven by emotional imperatives in which i don't have, but are permanent features of her psychological make-up as she has little self-awareness and isn't seeking therapy for them. to say that your ex is gaslighting is to impute to her a level of self-awareness that she might not have either.  

you say your BPD is ex, but you're still engaging with her. is that why you posted on the undecided board?