hi lettherebelight
I recently informed my undiagnosed exBPD that she should talk to her doctor/counsellor about treatment. I worked very hard for several months confirming the diagnosis with the assistance of psychiatrists and counsellors who told me how to approach this sensitive situation. I am now very very familiar with BPD but I still find that I get curve balls all the time - that I don't really know how to handle.
information about BPD is usually badly received by the pwBPD. in addition to the offense that anyone would feel if told that they had a disorder, a cardinal marker of BPD is extreme sensitivity to judgement and rejection. we have an article about the process,
Helping a Loved-One with Borderline Personality Disorder Seek Treatment.
in that article you'll read some about the mindframe of a pwBPD. that's not our mindframe, and you will be getting curveballs from her, as i did with my w, responses and expectations i couldn't understand. my w's actions and reactions were driven by emotional imperatives in which i don't have, but are permanent features of her psychological make-up as she has little self-awareness and isn't seeking therapy for them. to say that your ex is gaslighting is to impute to her a level of self-awareness that she might not have either.
you say your BPD is ex, but you're still engaging with her. is that why you posted on the undecided board?