BPDFamily.com

It dawned on me this morning that my wife is fueled by obsessions.  I can see it clearly now.

When we dated, she was obsessed with me.  I wasn't sure how to handle it or what to really think of it, but the bottom line is I liked it.

I never felt so "loved" before in all my life.  That was what I really had an inner need for, to be loved.

Shortly after we married, she became obsessed with becoming a mother and me buying a house.  I wasn't quite ready for that, but I was constantly bombarded with her concerning these things. 

Then, after one kid, she became obsessed with having another.

I was put out of the picture unless there was something she wanted from me.  I eagerly gobbled up the chance to please her in hopes of her expressing the love she once showed me.  I am a slow learner, lol.

After she got on Facebook, it became another one of her obsessions.  She constantly posted pictures of her and her "friends".  It reminded me of high school kids.  I think she posted two pics of me on it over the years.

She had been fit and active when we met.  Another obsession with her.  Then, after we married she completely let herself go.  I am estimating here, but she doubled her body weight during our marriage.  I was disappointed to say the least.

Now, she is obsessed with losing weight and works out all of the time.  She is doing quite well, but part of me wishes that instead of her obsession now, why couldn't she have cared just a little about how she looked during our 20 years of marriage?  I feel cheated and robbed in a way.

Also, she has never really applied herself professionally.  She has never really had a real job.  She seems to rely on me for money or her dad.  Of course he pulls her strings with the lure of giving her money.  On one occasion, her and her friends spoke openly about marrying for money. 

Has anyone else noticed these obsessions with their BPD partners?

My ex wife was the same. Fitness, diet, knitting, shopping, children you name it she hss obsessed over it. There was no consistency. My exgf though wasnt as bad but still did it.

Obsessive actions - obsessive thoughts.  That's pretty much the life of my SO.  Her whole life has been spent from one obsession to the next.  She will obsess about something until destruction.  Obsess about something someone said to her, obsess over the house being messy, obsess over some new food/fad, her past, some potential future that hasn't come yet, obsess over facebook, and prior to meeting me obsess over dating, sex, and using drugs.  It's part of her "addictive personality" as she describes it in AA, and I think it is her just looking for then next thing to take her mind off her internal discomfort.  She's looking for something new to "fix" her. 

Yup my ex is obsessed with silly things like TV series, xbox games, religion, world war two, alcohol and food/meat. He will go on about these subjects for hours and hours even though it sounds like your typical 20 something year old guy. I feel drained by the end of it. He has Aspergers so that could be a contributing factor.

My h is obsessed with the news!

When you statt to understand BPD you begin to realise that these obssessions are all part of their attempts to fill the void. At first like our relationships it feels good to them. They think this is whats been missing. Then it like us stops having the desired affect so they do it more until eventually like a drug addict it stops giving them what they need. They then move onto their next obsession.

Work in progress, I could have written that post word for word. One addition would be that mine has blamed me for driving her to her obsessions (her current one is photography - she spends every waking moment taking photographs, editting, or facebooking about it) so I can empathise with your situation.  Mine was diagnosed BPD/NPD 4 months ago after 14 years of marriage.

I'm realising that this world I have participated in has been a delusional one and I have been entranced in a co-dependent dance. It was quite a moment when I accepted that she is seriously disordered,  and detached from the dysfunction.

What choices do we have?

I sure enjoyed being the object of his obsession at the beginning of our relationship!  lol

Mine has downloaded 1000s of Grateful Dead shows that he never listens to and buys every newly re-engineered CD that is released. He has 1000s of Buddhism books and every week another one shows up in our mailbox. (If I were reading this post, I'd think the writer was exaggerating the numbers--but no, I'm not.)

He has taught himself to read Tibetan (pretty amazing) and buys every Tibetan text he can get his hands on.

Hi cat

both my exs dabbled with budhism. I suppose it offers them comfort without delving too deep into themselves. The whole inner peace idea must be so appealing to people with so much inner turmoil.

Enlighten,

It just astonishes me that someone who spends so much time studying Buddhism can be so un-self-reflective! It's humorous to me (at least now).

Its a classic example as do as I say not as I do. They want to be that person but arent capable of it. Its like the guy who buys all the weight lifting books but never lifts a weight.

Ha ha! So true!

Yes, the obsessions are maddening. Mine will become obsessed with something and do nothing but talk about it. At different times, he has decided that he needed a new guitar or a new piece of musical equipment. He will do nothing but talk about wanting and needing that and will not shut up about it unless or until he gets it.

He was obsessed with religion and the church for a while. When I tried to point out that he was obsessing over reading about it and studying it but not putting it into practice, he would get mad. I was recently accused of being the reason that he left his religion. Um, no, asking him why he reads so much stuff without putting into practice has nothing to do with the religion.

Now, his latest obsession is his computer games. He can remember that he needs to meet a friend in game so they can level together but he can't remember to put a load of clothes in the dryer.

I can't keep up with all of the different obsessions that he has had over the years.

My husband also has a camera gear obsession. This has replaced his stereo gear obsession. Chances are if he's on his computer, he's looking at a piece of camera gear he plans to buy.

Before he inherited money, his obsessions were inexpensive, other than buying bucket loads of CDs to use for downloading all his Grateful Dead shows. Now he's buying all sorts of stuff--very expensive clothes, though we live in a rural area and seldom get dressed up.

It's a little weird to me and sort of offensive because I like to live simply and not waste the planet's resources, but it's his money, so I don't say anything.

In contrast, I live like a lower middle class person and when we go out, I'm wearing a dress I got used on eBay, while he's wearing a custom-made Brooks Brothers suit.

Mine can't remember to start the dishwasher or put his wet clothes in the dryer.

Yup, once the obsession starts, a momentum builds to the point where a healthy interest in something becomes an all-consuming time and energy drain. They can't let it go and get mad if you talk about it with them, and mad if you don't. They won't stop talking about it then blames you for bringing it up (when you didn't) - bc they're sick of talking about it?

The whole thing makes me dizzy!

Every so often my uBPDw will make a great show of ridding herself of something she was obsessed with.  Always, of course, it was my fault that she "had to give it up" and always it was something "very dear" to her.  Rather than sit down and work rationally with me to cover the copays for her recent surgery, she dragged 30+ years worth of arts and crafts supplies down from the bedroom and attic, had a huge rummage sale, then loaded up three van loads and donated them to the thrift store.  Then proceeded to remain heartbroken for two weeks over having to "give up her life" and now needs to "reinvent herself, again" which she "always has to do after you have treated me so badly."  This time I let her go with it, focused on me, and let it roll off by and large.  That of course meant I was "being totally self-centered" in her-speak, but on the whole I think it caused less distress for both of us.  Surprisingly, it seemed to even lessen her emotional turmoil.  Maybe not getting the reaction she expected dampened the usual chaos.  That's only the most recent; there are plenty of others.  I spend $40 a week feeding a herd of animals on the mini-farm she demanded we start and then abandoned for me to take care of.  If I didn't care about the welfare of the livestock and get a little pleasure from them myself, I'd take a $100 bill from the first person who showed up with a truck and get out of farming myself.

Learning that it is a constant search for peace was eye-opening for me.  It helps me be a little (little is the operative word) less exasperated.  I can't imagine going through life searching so desperately for happiness.

Jedimaster, I really like this. I'm realising as well that the less attention I give the drama, the less drama there is. She's having extinction bursts now and again when I recondition something, but on the whole she is realising she cannot get away with the abuse any more.

Deep down they need the boundaries. It gives them a safe harbour wall to push up against in a sea of emotional turmoil. They test them and only respect us when we don't cave in. That's the latest realisation for me.

All the best with managing the obsessions in your house  :)

I think I'm going to try acting like the happy but oblivious spouse when he gets the hangdog look. He could rival a hound dog for the sad gloomy face and when I ask what's wrong, he typically says "nothing" but then pouts if I don't know what it's all about.

I'm tired of this sh!t and I'm really getting to the point where I don't care if he thinks I'm insensitive. TFB! I'll just be a happy idiot and he can be as melancholic as he likes--I've played his game long enough.

Hi Cat, I can see he got to you. It's very tough - Hang in there. It'll get better.

Perhaps don't ask him what's wrong. You know what's wrong and he knows you know what's wrong. It's called BPD :)

When they're dysregulating, they are in a delusional state and usually experiencing some pain, so the ability to hold a normal conversation goes out the proverbial window.

Try the following. "I can see you're troubled/anxious/angry. I love you and care about you. Would you like me to listen, give advice or work on solutions with you? 70% of the time mine says "go away", which I gladly do. and the other 30% is "Listen". But she appreciates the validation and usually thanks me later.

Moselle, that is excellent advice. I keep trying to relate to him like a normal, which he seems like much of the time. I just need to keep telling myself that the complaining, the mopey face, the aches and pains that suddenly appear and then quickly are forgotten about--all are symptoms of dysregulatiion. And to try to converse with him when he's in that state is pointless.

Aches and pains LOL. Mine too! Just walk away. He's looking for attention. How do you ignore someone who's dying from back pains, head aches, sore feet... .

New obsession as of last night: pocket watches.

He inherited his grandfather's gold pocket watch and recently was told by a jeweler that it wasn't very high quality. He's been carrying it around in the pocket of his jeans and "using it"--and he's always got his iPhone in another pocket!

Now he wants a really expensive modern pocket watch, even though he's got several expensive watches that he wore when he was a lawyer, which he never uses.

Thanks to these boards, when he told me about his newest desire, I just smiled and said, "Whatever you want." He can afford it, so it's none of my business, but I think it's funny and sad--a desperate attempt to fill the void of not having a solid identity.

Well done Cat! So glad you were able to laugh it off. I know that smile well.

:)

Obsession seems to be the standard way to deal with almost anything especially when dysregulating. My partner is at the moment obsessed with our ex-employee to the extent that it is making me crazy. He's obsessed with cleanliness (not cleaning though!), hair (no hair anywhere in the body), car (how to take care of it and drive)... .These obsessions are affecting me and cause arguments. Obsessions like Top Gear  :) I don't care.

Hadn't thought of it that way.  I'm working on setting boundaries without verbalizing them.  That only gives her fuel for her arguments.  I have spent so many years feeling like I had to respond to every comment that it is a real effort to break that habit.  But it continually surprises me when she says something that sounds like it needs a response, but then when I don't she just moves on. 

With my BPDh, if I don't respond to something he's said, and in a timely manner, he gets pi$$ed. But if I respond too quickly, or God forbid, interrupt, then he gets pi$$ed off too.

Whereas he feels perfectly fine ignoring my statements or even when I ask him a question directly, he doesn't feel a need to respond at times.

But woe to the person who is oblivious of his needs or not quick enough to respond. He is always accusing others of being "unfriendly" yet he can be such an a&&hole and think it's perfectly justified. Done with the rant. Thank you.

Last night he was looking at yet another expensive camera on his computer and he told me that he's getting a "commemorative series" camera that's all stainless steel and it should be arriving next week. Yet another addition to what I call his "camera museum". He's got dozens of very expensive cameras (he can afford it) and lenses. Probably just one camera cost him more than my horse trailer.

I've learned to say nothing--or a generic, "how nice--I bet you'll be really excited to get that." I know he will probably use it a couple of times and then he'll need another one.

The problem for me is a conflict of values. I value living simply--and not using up the planet's resources. I'm always turning off lights he leaves on. And these obsessions--Buddhism books, camera equipment, stereo equipment, the latest computer gear. I do benefit from the latter as he gives me his old computer stuff.

But these obsessions just bug me and I think less of him for being so wasteful. I know he's trying desperately to fill some deep void within, but really?

I know my complaints about my husband's habit of collecting things sounds trivial. And I'm very grateful that our financial situation is solid. I've been very poor several times in my life and it's a relief to be solvent. But now I've seen firsthand how inherited money can change a person and for me, it's created a deep divide. If I were in his shoes, I'd be supporting charities that make life better for people and animals. I mention that to him occasionally and it doesn't happen. This money has turned my sweet BPDh into more of a narcissist who wants to accumulate things.

Hi cat

better he collects things rather than people. Theres a lot more dangerous and hurtful things he could obsess about.

Enlighten, you're absolutely right. Perhaps this is just a phase he's going through after having to watch his spending most of his life.

I want to ask you something Cat.  For most of my life I was always concerned about the earth's resources and denied myself things that I wanted.  Do you think that is part of being co-dependent?

I mean, I never had hobbies or did anything fun.  I never collected anything.

I realize now that I was that way due to my parents criticizing everything that I liked.  So, I learned not to take an interest in anything besides work and trying to be a good husband and father.  Now I think that my family would have been better served having a dad/father that had rich (I don't mean financially) interests and enjoyable hobbies that they could participate in with me.

I don't know about denying yourself being part of co-dependency. For me, I developed a belief in "voluntary simplicity" at an early age. Part of it was a function of being poor as a young adult, but more than that, I was kind of repelled by how materialism seemed to run so many people's lives, in addition to feeling concern for not consuming more than my share of the earth's resources.

Just being an American, I'm consuming way more than most people on the planet, so it's a slippery slope. I guess where I would draw the line is--do you use the objects you covet and enjoy them? Or do they just clutter your reality and once you have them, the thrill is gone and you want something else?

I'm really sorry, Workinprogress, that your parents criticized your interests. Mine were very work-oriented as well and they held that as their highest value. I saw how desperately unhappy that work made my mother and I decided that I would only work at jobs I liked, ultimately becoming self-employed and working harder and for less money than if I would have found employment elsewhere. (It's interesting how we live out our parents' programming.)

Can you start sharing your interests and picking up new hobbies that your family could somehow participate in now? As Tom Robbins said, "It's never too late to have a happy childhood." Sort of my motto throughout life--even when I was poor, I found inexpensive or free ways to have fun.

I can understand your frustration. I also can understand his obsession. I used to play a facebook game. At first it was to pass the time at work as I had large chunks of my shift with nothing to do. As my relationship deteriorated I used it to escape my life. At the time it felt like it was the only thing I was achieving anything at. Maybe I reached a place where BPDs go.

That makes a lot of sense to me. I went through a Sudoku phase when everything in my world was spiraling out of control. Perhaps the collecting stuff is a way he feels a sense of control. For me--just the opposite--I want to get rid of stuff--less to dust.  lol

I don't think that is just a BPD thing. lol

One of the things that has irritated me about my husband's various obsessions is the fact that his obsessions made me feel like an afterthought. I never quite understood how he could get into different things and obsess about things when he has a wife and 4 kids that would love nothing more than to spend time with him and connect with him. Maybe not so much any more but that is usually why his obsessions frustrated me. I never understood why he would want to escape from his life. From my perspective, he is spoiled (by me) and has a great life. But, as I can now see from reading here, that great life does not help whatever inner turmoil he has and the reality is probably that he is trying to escape himself rather than me or the kids. It doesn't make it any easier at times.

Yes I think this is common, my ex was definitely like this. Obsessed with me in the beginning. Of knowing everything about me, long conversations, constant contact, etc. That all changed and I remember one of the last conversations she had, she told me she doesn't need to talk to people she dates, she doesn't miss them when they aren't there. BPD are like children. Children don't like being thought of as "bad" I used to get so much incredible insight into her by having these subtle conversations where I was careful not to judge in anyway, or show expressions of disgust. As long as I did not act judgmental, I would get incredibly honest and kind of crazy information in that way.

Mine was obsessed with projects. It was always something, replacing the couch, painting all the rooms, re arranging rooms, getting a new car despite only having 3 months left on a lease, obsessions with a specific travel destination, obsessed with grad school. I call them obsessions because they were usually rarely followed through with. It was the spur of the moment stuff that would become relevant one moment and not the next. There were times I would bite, and show her a way to make what she wanted to happen, occur and show her the financial way to do it step by step. All a waste of time. I stopped even paying attention to her latest ideas by the middle of the relationship. This is a window into their frantic chaotic lives. And also a window into their relations. They attach to nothing and constantly seek to reinvent and replace things, including you and I.

The common threads I read here are that we "normals" are disappointed that our SOs have shifted their focus away from us and are now obsessed with activities and things and worlds we don't share.

The other thread seems to be that they need more of whatever they're focused on, until their interests shift to something else.

I'm comfortable supporting a hobby, a dream, a plan, but only if there is genuine followthrough. When the interest seems so ephemeral and the yearning drifts from one thing to the next, it seems dysfunctional and I don't know if I should be encouraging that behavior.

That is good that you found inexpensive ways to have fun.  I will say this, I did read a lot.  Looking back, I think reading is a fairly innocuous and passive hobby.  After all, one is reading about the lives and ideas of others who are actually doing things.

I am working on having a happy childhood.  I say dumb little things sometimes just goofing around.  Before I was really self-conscious and might not have said something due to criticism.

I have been working out for the last few years and I am going to start an Arnold Schwartzenagger (sp) workout program tomorrow.  I don't plan on bulking up really big, but I do want to really sculpt myself.  I never liked being skinny, and my dad made fun of me for it growing up.  Back to the point though, I have been goofing around and randomly saying stuff in Arnold's accent.  My youngest kid about fell out of his chair laughing earlier over something I said like that.

That's what I'm talking about, being a strong confident dad with interests and passions.

I'm through denying myself.

I have also read a lot of science and I'm convinced that mankind is such a small speck on this planet that we will have very little impact on it's resources or the climate.  Just my opinion.

Anyway, I just think that there is a correlation to denying our dreams and needs and being co-dependent.  I am also thinking that it takes more strength to say "no" to others and live your own dreams than it does to try to take care of others. 

I have a slightly different take on the drifting from one thing to another. I don't particularly care if there is follow through as long as it isn't something that directly impacts me. If we have the money for him to buy whatever it is he wants without it interfering in the ability to pay bills and buy groceries, then it isn't a big deal. I can't remember where it is but there is something in one of the lessons about garden gnomes and how much is okay. Everybody is going to have a different answer.

I do sometimes think that the emphasis on sticking to things like hobbies or interests is overrated. Doing the same thing all the time can get boring so I don't even have a problem with the flitting from one thing to another. For me, I only see it as a problem when it interferes with day to day functioning. For example, ignoring kids in favor of a computer game or spending money that we don't have on a toy or choosing to focus on a hobby or interest instead of taking care of adult responsibilities that are part of being a father, homeowner, car owner, etc.

Well, he can afford all his obsessions and whether or not he uses the stuff he covets, for me to get emotionally involved about it is definitely a sign of my codependency. And it's not harming anyone or our well-being, so I should just ignore it. Love the line about garden gnomes.

I think I'm just jealous of his obsessions, that he's not that interested in me like he was in the beginning. Thanks, everyone for the feedback.

Obsession is all part of the black and white, all important/not important.

It is why my partner was, and many others are, initially diagnosed with OCD, especially when they start self mutilating to get the "badness" out.

Obvious difference is that the obsessions are passing fads, and so hard to treat as it is like playing "bash the mole". It just pops up on a different subject.

The real issue is that you are expected to modify your agenda to match them, otherwise you are invalidating them. Then they switch and you are left stranded.

Over enthusiasm for certain things is also a way of avoiding responsibilities for things across the board.

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I couldn't agree more. I recall two significant "what the heck" moments, those often described on the board(s) as the moment you realize something is off with this person. Both of those initial out of proportion rage/rejection type of incidents had to do with spontaneous, last second modification of plans that I could not accommodate.

I remember pointing out the hypocrisy of her thought process during that time, and she basically acknowledged it and that she didn't care.

My W's last one was competing in fitness competitions. Her whole life revolved around eating the food, training 6 to 8 times a week.

Her latest one is photography. All day, every day. Photographing, editting, or facebooking about it.

I've decided to put down boundaries for family time. Ironically she is saying she needs to cut down, but she keeps on going full steam. I guess it's her pain relief.  It beats cutting.

I'll be prepared for the switch this time

That sums it up rather nicely. I have been expected to make room in the budget or find other ways to help him get what he wants. If I don't do those things, then I am subjected to him badgering and nagging and talking about whatever it is. I feel like I have to give in or be tortured. This is one area where I have been working on boundaries. But, it is difficult because putting up boundaries so that you are not listening to the nagging, badgering, etc. leads them to feel invalidated and that starts a domino effect.


I had never really looked at it like that but that makes a whole lot of sense. If my husband can distract me with being enthusiastic about something, then I am not as likely to try to insist on normal. I think that is how I went down the rabbit hole of trying an open marriage. He will go for long periods of time without being enthusiastic about anything. Something will catch his attention and he will get all happy and enthusiastic and will be a little bit easier to live with so I don't say anything. It creates a nice little diversion so he can escape being a responsible adult.

Interesting--I really see the OCD part; it was very obvious when he'd get home from work and start downloading hours of Grateful Dead shows. When he started buying camera gear, I figured he'd start using it, but it's rare when he takes pictures and much more frequent when he looks online at camera stuff he wants to buy.

It takes a much better actress than me to be enthusiastic about being shown a website with a photo of a new camera. So I guess I'm constantly invalidating him by not being excited about his "hobby". And when he receives one, they all look alike to me.

And yes, he avoids responsibilities because he is so "busy".

I think we had very similar parents. I was so terribly self-conscious after so much criticism that I could barely talk to anybody in school. Eye contact--forget it!

I went to grad school, planning to be a therapist, but I realized that wasn't a good career choice for me because I couldn't let go of other people's problems--I was haunted by their stories. I always knew there was something wrong with my mother, but when I was in college, the awareness of BPD was very limited. It wasn't until recently that I became aware that my mother and both husbands were pwBPD--they just weren't as extreme as what I had read about before.

I like your connection of denying self and codependency. And yes, it takes strength to be "healthy selfish". Selfish was a word my mother used to control me--I certainly didn't want to be seen as selfish by those I loved.

"What the heck" moments--I love that! And I've experienced this: "pointing out the hypocrisy of her thought process during that time, and she basically acknowledged it and that she didn't care." It leaves one reeling... .

I tried the open marriage thing with my ex due to his enthusiasm and getting tired of having to resist that. It was a disaster!

Fortunately the stuff my current husband gets involved with is totally benign. I think I just got burned out by years of having to respond to my xBPDh's enthusiasms, which involved potentially dangerous and illegal adventures.

Both of them have been so consumed by these enthusiasms, that normal household responsibilities are ignored and held in contempt.

Agreed! I think we all need to become afflicted with DGS syndrome. ":)on't give a S**t" ha ha. Live your life, be true to yourself. Those left by your side will be the people who matter. Those lost, never did.

DGS syndrome! I love it!

When I saw my T a couple of days ago, I told her about my husband offering to make dinner and refusing any help from me. So while I did yoga in the living room,  I kept hearing big sighs and moans and groans from the kitchen. In the past, I would have felt so guilty and I would have stopped and tried to help anyway. But I just laughed to myself and remembered all the times I've made dinner when he's just read a book and never volunteered to help.

As we were eating dinner, he said that I must have had such a great day--I got to do fun things and then yoga before dinner. I just smiled and agreed. I refused to take my usual serving of guilt.

Yes. 

There are obsessions that have no impact on me at all, and those are his own little red wagon.  But the ones that do have an impact on me involve house repair/yard work.  He has a history of not prioritizing well (which means $$$ going one direction when something more serious needs to be taken care of first, and not agreeing with his idea - invalidating - results in trouble), starting a project and not finishing it (hence, leaving a huge mess that the rest of us have to take care of when we already had our own projects going on), or not starting the project at all.

I finally realized that most of the time, he doesn't even start on a project.  He just talks about it, does all kinds of research, takes notes on how to do it, and then the notes get mixed in with notes on other projects that were never started.  So instead of getting apprehensive about it now, I found out that it actually works pretty well to say something like, "Mm-hmm... ."  or "Yeah... ."  or just restate his idea in some way.  Since he rarely starts the project he mentions anyway, sometimes I wonder whether just the validation is enough. 

It sounds like you married my xBPHh. He was always buying building materials for some project he was going to do and once he had purchased materials, he would leave them out in the weather to deteriorate and he'd go onto his next fantasy.

My current BPDh just buys stuff that clutters up his studio. It really doesn't impact me negatively, other than being reminded of a similar pattern from my previous relationship.

These obsessions turn fun things into a big pain in the butt.

We have a family membership at a fitness center now.  I am off for 4 days over the holiday and out of the blue she will want to go to the gym and talk the kids into it, so I need to go because the kids go as guests with us.

Then, I'm all ready to kick back and relax, and my wife finds some sort of Christmas decoration that she wants hung.

Then, I kick back and my BPD parents call wanting something.

Good lord!  I can't get a freaking break!

Obsessing over xmas gifts is tons of fun

I reckon Xmas is responsible for ruining at least a good two months at the end of the year.

My uBPDw was obsessed with turning our 2-1/2 acres into a mini-farm, with raised beds, animals, teach classes, etc, etc.  About 6 months in she started doing less and less and demanding more and more work from me.  Finally in July she washed her hands of any work but kept insisting I could make it profitable if I'd just work harder/do more/listen to her, etc, etc.  My T said I was headed for a breakdown if I didn't get some of this off of me.  Over the holiday I have finally laid down the law, gave her a final chance to work together and do her share.  It lasted about 24 hours and she was back to the same old demands and weaseling her way out of any responsibility.  She finally said, "Well if you need any help selling it all on Craigslist I can help," and I said "No, I've got it."  So I'm about to get out of farming as fast as I can go.

I don't care what she obsesses over, as long as (a) we can afford it, and (b) she doesn't dump it on me.  Unfortunately almost everything she wants to do ends up missing one or both of those marks, usually both.

I just realized another component of my BPDh's obsessions is subscriptions to dozens of magazines. Being sort of OCD and not wanting to waste things, I take it upon myself to find recipients for the scads of magazines he gets every month--at least a foot high of magazines monthly. Previously he would throw them away or put them in the recycle bin--and I would feel bad because of the waste of materials. Now I have a new hobby--magazine distribution.

Problem is most obsessions do infringe on our lives as they become of paramount importance. That is why obsessions can be  a disorder as it can impair functioning, as opposed to an over enthusiastic "interest".

When we were new as a couple, I started getting jealous of his obsessions because he showed so much enthusiasm for them and waning enthusiasm for me.

I remember after making love one night, he jumped out of bed and went to the kitchen, where he poured himself a big glass of wine and chugged it down while I was still basking in the afterglow.

Or he'd have so many Grateful Dead shows downloading that my computer was non-functional for hours if I attempted to go online.

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