Obsessions

[workinprogress]

It dawned on me this morning that my wife is fueled by obsessions.  I can see it clearly now.

When we dated, she was obsessed with me.  I wasn't sure how to handle it or what to really think of it, but the bottom line is I liked it.

I never felt so "loved" before in all my life.  That was what I really had an inner need for, to be loved.

Shortly after we married, she became obsessed with becoming a mother and me buying a house.  I wasn't quite ready for that, but I was constantly bombarded with her concerning these things. 

Then, after one kid, she became obsessed with having another.

I was put out of the picture unless there was something she wanted from me.  I eagerly gobbled up the chance to please her in hopes of her expressing the love she once showed me.  I am a slow learner, .

After she got on Facebook, it became another one of her obsessions.  She constantly posted pictures of her and her "friends".  It reminded me of high school kids.  I think she posted two pics of me on it over the years.

She had been fit and active when we met.  Another obsession with her.  Then, after we married she completely let herself go.  I am estimating here, but she doubled her body weight during our marriage.  I was disappointed to say the least.

Now, she is obsessed with losing weight and works out all of the time.  She is doing quite well, but part of me wishes that instead of her obsession now, why couldn't she have cared just a little about how she looked during our 20 years of marriage?  I feel cheated and robbed in a way.

Also, she has never really applied herself professionally.  She has never really had a real job.  She seems to rely on me for money or her dad.  Of course he pulls her strings with the lure of giving her money.  On one occasion, her and her friends spoke openly about marrying for money. 

Has anyone else noticed these obsessions with their BPD partners?

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[enlighten me]

My ex wife was the same. Fitness, diet, knitting, shopping, children you name it she hss obsessed over it. There was no consistency. My exgf though wasnt as bad but still did it.

[maxsterling]

Obsessive actions - obsessive thoughts.  That's pretty much the life of my SO.  Her whole life has been spent from one obsession to the next.  She will obsess about something until destruction.  Obsess about something someone said to her, obsess over the house being messy, obsess over some new food/fad, her past, some potential future that hasn't come yet, obsess over facebook, and prior to meeting me obsess over dating, sex, and using drugs.  It's part of her "addictive personality" as she describes it in AA, and I think it is her just looking for then next thing to take her mind off her internal discomfort.  She's looking for something new to "fix" her. 

[Climbmountains91]

Yup my ex is obsessed with silly things like TV series, xbox games, religion, world war two, alcohol and food/meat. He will go on about these subjects for hours and hours even though it sounds like your typical 20 something year old guy. I feel drained by the end of it. He has Aspergers so that could be a contributing factor.

[lena7]

My h is obsessed with the news!

[enlighten me]

When you statt to understand BPD you begin to realise that these obssessions are all part of their attempts to fill the void. At first like our relationships it feels good to them. They think this is whats been missing. Then it like us stops having the desired affect so they do it more until eventually like a drug addict it stops giving them what they need. They then move onto their next obsession.

[Moselle]

Work in progress, I could have written that post word for word. One addition would be that mine has blamed me for driving her to her obsessions (her current one is photography - she spends every waking moment taking photographs, editting, or facebooking about it) so I can empathise with your situation.  Mine was diagnosed BPD/NPD 4 months ago after 14 years of marriage.

I'm realising that this world I have participated in has been a delusional one and I have been entranced in a co-dependent dance. It was quite a moment when I accepted that she is seriously disordered,  and detached from the dysfunction.

What choices do we have?

[Cat Familiar]

When you statt to understand BPD you begin to realise that these obssessions are all part of their attempts to fill the void. At first like our relationships it feels good to them. They think this is whats been missing. Then it like us stops having the desired affect so they do it more until eventually like a drug addict it stops giving them what they need. They then move onto their next obsession.

I sure enjoyed being the object of his obsession at the beginning of our relationship! 

Mine has downloaded 1000s of Grateful Dead shows that he never listens to and buys every newly re-engineered CD that is released. He has 1000s of Buddhism books and every week another one shows up in our mailbox. (If I were reading this post, I'd think the writer was exaggerating the numbers--but no, I'm not.)

He has taught himself to read Tibetan (pretty amazing) and buys every Tibetan text he can get his hands on.

[enlighten me]

Hi cat

both my exs dabbled with budhism. I suppose it offers them comfort without delving too deep into themselves. The whole inner peace idea must be so appealing to people with so much inner turmoil.

[Cat Familiar]

Enlighten,

It just astonishes me that someone who spends so much time studying Buddhism can be so un-self-reflective! It's humorous to me (at least now).

[enlighten me]

Its a classic example as do as I say not as I do. They want to be that person but arent capable of it. Its like the guy who buys all the weight lifting books but never lifts a weight.

[Cat Familiar]

Ha ha! So true!

[vortex of confusion]

Yes, the obsessions are maddening. Mine will become obsessed with something and do nothing but talk about it. At different times, he has decided that he needed a new guitar or a new piece of musical equipment. He will do nothing but talk about wanting and needing that and will not shut up about it unless or until he gets it.

He was obsessed with religion and the church for a while. When I tried to point out that he was obsessing over reading about it and studying it but not putting it into practice, he would get mad. I was recently accused of being the reason that he left his religion. Um, no, asking him why he reads so much stuff without putting into practice has nothing to do with the religion.

Now, his latest obsession is his computer games. He can remember that he needs to meet a friend in game so they can level together but he can't remember to put a load of clothes in the dryer.

I can't keep up with all of the different obsessions that he has had over the years.

[Cat Familiar]

Now, his latest obsession is his computer games. He can remember that he needs to meet a friend in game so they can level together but he can't remember to put a load of clothes in the dryer.

My husband also has a camera gear obsession. This has replaced his stereo gear obsession. Chances are if he's on his computer, he's looking at a piece of camera gear he plans to buy.

Before he inherited money, his obsessions were inexpensive, other than buying bucket loads of CDs to use for downloading all his Grateful Dead shows. Now he's buying all sorts of stuff--very expensive clothes, though we live in a rural area and seldom get dressed up.

It's a little weird to me and sort of offensive because I like to live simply and not waste the planet's resources, but it's his money, so I don't say anything.

In contrast, I live like a lower middle class person and when we go out, I'm wearing a dress I got used on eBay, while he's wearing a custom-made Brooks Brothers suit.

Mine can't remember to start the dishwasher or put his wet clothes in the dryer.

[Jessica84]

Yup, once the obsession starts, a momentum builds to the point where a healthy interest in something becomes an all-consuming time and energy drain. They can't let it go and get mad if you talk about it with them, and mad if you don't. They won't stop talking about it then blames you for bringing it up (when you didn't) - bc they're sick of talking about it?

The whole thing makes me dizzy!

[jedimaster]

Every so often my uBPDw will make a great show of ridding herself of something she was obsessed with.  Always, of course, it was my fault that she "had to give it up" and always it was something "very dear" to her.  Rather than sit down and work rationally with me to cover the copays for her recent surgery, she dragged 30+ years worth of arts and crafts supplies down from the bedroom and attic, had a huge rummage sale, then loaded up three van loads and donated them to the thrift store.  Then proceeded to remain heartbroken for two weeks over having to "give up her life" and now needs to "reinvent herself, again" which she "always has to do after you have treated me so badly."  This time I let her go with it, focused on me, and let it roll off by and large.  That of course meant I was "being totally self-centered" in her-speak, but on the whole I think it caused less distress for both of us.  Surprisingly, it seemed to even lessen her emotional turmoil.  Maybe not getting the reaction she expected dampened the usual chaos.  That's only the most recent; there are plenty of others.  I spend $40 a week feeding a herd of animals on the mini-farm she demanded we start and then abandoned for me to take care of.  If I didn't care about the welfare of the livestock and get a little pleasure from them myself, I'd take a $100 bill from the first person who showed up with a truck and get out of farming myself.

Learning that it is a constant search for peace was eye-opening for me.  It helps me be a little (little is the operative word) less exasperated.  I can't imagine going through life searching so desperately for happiness.

[Moselle]

This time I let her go with it, focused on me, and let it roll off by and large.  That of course meant I was "being totally self-centered" in her-speak, but on the whole I think it caused less distress for both of us.  Surprisingly, it seemed to even lessen her emotional turmoil.  Maybe not getting the reaction she expected dampened the usual chaos. 

Jedimaster, I really like this. I'm realising as well that the less attention I give the drama, the less drama there is. She's having extinction bursts now and again when I recondition something, but on the whole she is realising she cannot get away with the abuse any more.

Deep down they need the boundaries. It gives them a safe harbour wall to push up against in a sea of emotional turmoil. They test them and only respect us when we don't cave in. That's the latest realisation for me.

All the best with managing the obsessions in your house 

[Cat Familiar]

This time I let her go with it, focused on me, and let it roll off by and large.  That of course meant I was "being totally self-centered" in her-speak, but on the whole I think it caused less distress for both of us.  Surprisingly, it seemed to even lessen her emotional turmoil.  Maybe not getting the reaction she expected dampened the usual chaos. 

Jedimaster, I really like this. I'm realising as well that the less attention I give the drama, the less drama there is. She's having extinction bursts now and again when I recondition something, but on the whole she is realising she cannot get away with the abuse any more.

Deep down they need the boundaries. It gives them a safe harbour wall to push up against in a sea of emotional turmoil. They test them and only respect us when we don't cave in. That's the latest realisation for me.

All the best with managing the obsessions in your house 

I think I'm going to try acting like the happy but oblivious spouse when he gets the hangdog look. He could rival a hound dog for the sad gloomy face and when I ask what's wrong, he typically says "nothing" but then pouts if I don't know what it's all about.

I'm tired of this sh!t and I'm really getting to the point where I don't care if he thinks I'm insensitive. TFB! I'll just be a happy idiot and he can be as melancholic as he likes--I've played his game long enough.

[Moselle]

I think I'm going to try acting like the happy but oblivious spouse when he gets the hangdog look. He could rival a hound dog for the sad gloomy face and when I ask what's wrong, he typically says "nothing" but then pouts if I don't know what it's all about.

I'm tired of this sh!t and I'm really getting to the point where I don't care if he thinks I'm insensitive. TFB! I'll just be a happy idiot and he can be as melancholic as he likes--I've played his game long enough.

Hi Cat, I can see he got to you. It's very tough - Hang in there. It'll get better.

Perhaps don't ask him what's wrong. You know what's wrong and he knows you know what's wrong. It's called BPD

When they're dysregulating, they are in a delusional state and usually experiencing some pain, so the ability to hold a normal conversation goes out the proverbial window.

Try the following. "I can see you're troubled/anxious/angry. I love you and care about you. Would you like me to listen, give advice or work on solutions with you? 70% of the time mine says "go away", which I gladly do. and the other 30% is "Listen". But she appreciates the validation and usually thanks me later.

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Cat, I can see he got to you. It's very tough - Hang in there. It'll get better.

Perhaps don't ask him what's wrong. You know what's wrong and he knows you know what's wrong. It's called BPD

When they're dysregulating, they are in a delusional state and usually experiencing some pain, so the ability to hold a normal conversation goes out the proverbial window.

Try the following. "I can see you're troubled/anxious/angry. I love you and care about you. Would you like me to listen, give advice or work on solutions with you? 70% of the time mine says "go away", which I gladly do. and the other 30% is "Listen". But she appreciates the validation and usually thanks me later.

Moselle, that is excellent advice. I keep trying to relate to him like a normal, which he seems like much of the time. I just need to keep telling myself that the complaining, the mopey face, the aches and pains that suddenly appear and then quickly are forgotten about--all are symptoms of dysregulatiion. And to try to converse with him when he's in that state is pointless.

[Moselle]

I keep trying to relate to him like a normal, which he seems like much of the time. I just need to keep telling myself that the complaining, the mopey face, the aches and pains that suddenly appear and then quickly are forgotten about--all are symptoms of dysregulatiion. And to try to converse with him when he's in that state is pointless.

Aches and pains LOL. Mine too! Just walk away. He's looking for attention. How do you ignore someone who's dying from back pains, head aches, sore feet... .

[Cat Familiar]

New obsession as of last night: pocket watches.

He inherited his grandfather's gold pocket watch and recently was told by a jeweler that it wasn't very high quality. He's been carrying it around in the pocket of his jeans and "using it"--and he's always got his iPhone in another pocket!

Now he wants a really expensive modern pocket watch, even though he's got several expensive watches that he wore when he was a lawyer, which he never uses.

Thanks to these boards, when he told me about his newest desire, I just smiled and said, "Whatever you want." He can afford it, so it's none of my business, but I think it's funny and sad--a desperate attempt to fill the void of not having a solid identity.

[Moselle]

Well done Cat! So glad you were able to laugh it off. I know that smile well.

[Mie]

Obsession seems to be the standard way to deal with almost anything especially when dysregulating. My partner is at the moment obsessed with our ex-employee to the extent that it is making me crazy. He's obsessed with cleanliness (not cleaning though!), hair (no hair anywhere in the body), car (how to take care of it and drive)... .These obsessions are affecting me and cause arguments. Obsessions like Top Gear   I don't care.

[jedimaster]

Deep down they need the boundaries. It gives them a safe harbour wall to push up against in a sea of emotional turmoil. They test them and only respect us when we don't cave in. That's the latest realisation for me.

Hadn't thought of it that way.  I'm working on setting boundaries without verbalizing them.  That only gives her fuel for her arguments.  I have spent so many years feeling like I had to respond to every comment that it is a real effort to break that habit.  But it continually surprises me when she says something that sounds like it needs a response, but then when I don't she just moves on. 

[Cat Familiar]

Hadn't thought of it that way.  I'm working on setting boundaries without verbalizing them.  That only gives her fuel for her arguments.  I have spent so many years feeling like I had to respond to every comment that it is a real effort to break that habit.  But it continually surprises me when she says something that sounds like it needs a response, but then when I don't she just moves on.  

With my BPDh, if I don't respond to something he's said, and in a timely manner, he gets pi$$ed. But if I respond too quickly, or God forbid, interrupt, then he gets pi$$ed off too.

Whereas he feels perfectly fine ignoring my statements or even when I ask him a question directly, he doesn't feel a need to respond at times.

But woe to the person who is oblivious of his needs or not quick enough to respond. He is always accusing others of being "unfriendly" yet he can be such an a&&hole and think it's perfectly justified. Done with the rant. Thank you.

[Cat Familiar]

Last night he was looking at yet another expensive camera on his computer and he told me that he's getting a "commemorative series" camera that's all stainless steel and it should be arriving next week. Yet another addition to what I call his "camera museum". He's got dozens of very expensive cameras (he can afford it) and lenses. Probably just one camera cost him more than my horse trailer.

I've learned to say nothing--or a generic, "how nice--I bet you'll be really excited to get that." I know he will probably use it a couple of times and then he'll need another one.

The problem for me is a conflict of values. I value living simply--and not using up the planet's resources. I'm always turning off lights he leaves on. And these obsessions--Buddhism books, camera equipment, stereo equipment, the latest computer gear. I do benefit from the latter as he gives me his old computer stuff.

But these obsessions just bug me and I think less of him for being so wasteful. I know he's trying desperately to fill some deep void within, but really?

[Cat Familiar]

I know my complaints about my husband's habit of collecting things sounds trivial. And I'm very grateful that our financial situation is solid. I've been very poor several times in my life and it's a relief to be solvent. But now I've seen firsthand how inherited money can change a person and for me, it's created a deep divide. If I were in his shoes, I'd be supporting charities that make life better for people and animals. I mention that to him occasionally and it doesn't happen. This money has turned my sweet BPDh into more of a narcissist who wants to accumulate things.

[enlighten me]

Hi cat

better he collects things rather than people. Theres a lot more dangerous and hurtful things he could obsess about.

[Cat Familiar]

Hi cat

better he collects things rather than people. Theres a lot more dangerous and hurtful things he could obsess about.

Enlighten, you're absolutely right. Perhaps this is just a phase he's going through after having to watch his spending most of his life.